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Pre-reader 63.546"s Equestria Daily Feedback Thread Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 23[View All]

#Reviewer

As everyone should know by now, Equestria Daily has gone almost exclusively to short bullet-point reviews, except in cases where only a small number of items need to be corrected for posting. I enjoy giving longer reviews, but can no longer do so through Equestria Daily, so I will post them here. I will only do so for stories that in my estimation would have passed the old automoon system; others will get only the bullet-point treatment in the email.

This thread is only for the authors in question and me. They are free to ask questions or ask me to remove their reviews from the thread for any reason. For any other traffic, I will ask a mod to delete it. General questions about Equestria Daily or the pre-reading process should be posted here:
>>128414

Note that I won't give an exhaustive list of errors; I'll provide a representative list of the types of problems I find and leave it to the author to scour his story for the rest.

To avoid repeating myself, I'll post a few of the more common discussion topics up here; your review may refer you to one or more of these.

Dash and hyphen use:
Hyphens are reserved for stuttering and hyphenated words. Please use a proper dash otherwise. They can be the em dash (Alt+0151) with no spaces around it or en dash (Alt+0150) surrounded by spaces. Some usage (primarily American) employs only the em dash, while other usage (primarily British) employs an em dash for cutoffs and an en dash for asides. It doesn't matter which system an author uses, as long as he is consistent.

Comma use with conjunctions:
There may be other grammatical reasons to place commas, but in the simplest forms, commas accompany conjunctions to separate clauses, not to separate two items of a compound subject, verb, or object. The most common simple sentence forms are:

He performed this action and that action.
He and she performed this action.
He and she performed this action and that action.
He performed this action, and she performed that action.

Dialogue punctuation/capitalization:
When transitioning from a quote into a speech tag, you use a comma in place of a period (other end punctuation would remain unchanged), and the tag is not capitalized by default. Here are the most common forms:

"Speech," he said.
"Speech." He performed a non-speaking action.
"Beginning of quoted sentence," he said, "end of quoted sentence."

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS):
This is overuse of descriptors such as "the lavender unicorn" when referring to a character. Most times, a name or pronoun will do, and they blend in without pulling attention away from what's happening in a story. These descriptors also tell us information we already know, for the most part. If anyone doesn't know that Twilight is a lavender unicorn, it'd be odd to find him this waist-deep in the fanfiction community.

When it's okay to use them are (very sparingly!) for a bit of flavor, when they actually do impart some new information, or when there are a lot of characters present, such that names quickly get repetitive and pronouns are ambiguous.

Talking heads:
This refers to conversations that have back-and-forth dialogue with little in the way of action to separate them. The characters may as well be disembodied heads floating in a featureless void, for all I know. Half of a conversation is nonverbal cues. They carry so much of the emotional content of what's said, so give the reader the complete picture. Use the same techniques as show versus tell. Speaking of which...

Show versus tell:
It's better to get the reader to interpret a character's emotions than to tell them outright. Devices for doing that include body language, reactions, facial expressions, actions, and sometimes speech and thought. The three biggest red flags are outright naming an emotion (sad), -ly adverb form (happily), and prepositional phrase form (in excitement). The last one in particular is almost always redundant with an action it follows. You'll bore the reader just throwing cold facts at him. This is akin to an actor expecting the audience to intuit his mood from his actions and speech rather than stating it outright. The latter is more efficient, but also quite boring. Showing is not always necessary, but is a better idea when emotions run high, the story is at a critical plot point, you want the reader to feel something along with the character, or it's early in the story where you need to hook the reader.

Saidisms:
The verb "said" (and to a degree, other common ones like "answered," "replied," "stated") blend in without calling much attention to themselves. It's okay to use other speaking verbs like "shouted," "muttered," "whispered," etc. to convey a mood or tone of voice, but after a point, the reader starts noticing the choice of speaking verb more than the speech itself, which is a bad thing. The more often an author uses more exotic ones, the more the reader will remember them more than the story. A good mix of mundane speaking verbs, more unusual ones, and going without a speech tag at all will serve a story well.

Head hopping:
It is okay to change character perspectives within a story, but doing so too abruptly or too often is jarring to the reader. An author must consider whether the information he's presenting would be available to the intended perspective character. If not, then he must consider whether the information is important enough to be necessary, can be presented in such a way that the perspective character can perceive it, or if a shift of perspective is truly the best way. And if a shift is justified, then be prepared to stay in that character's perspective for some time. Staying there for only a sentence or paragraph just jerks the reader around. And when changing perspectives, do so smoothly. Imagine a camera, gradually zooming out of one character to a more objective viewpoint, then zooming in on another.

Authors can find further information and other reviewing resources here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dqgYO7OqGDcE3CZ8V6WDOBKTITjzvbrHdyXOFtm_dfI/edit
631 posts and 3 image replies omitted. Click View to see all.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2784

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>don't you Sachet//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>siamese//

Capitalize.

>Her face colored and I would have wagered that she looked down behind her sunglasses.//

Needs a comma between the clauses.

>Fluttershy gasped theatrically//

Doesn't that imply it's insincere?

>She glanced at me as we stopped at the corner, looking across Fifth as wagons and buses rolled on by.//

It's fairly clunky to have multiple "as" clauses in the same sentence, plus it confuses things by over-specifying the chronology.

>looked horrified//

And how does it look? As a conclusion, it's just a cold fact, but if I get to see what makes her look that way, it's a lot more real.

>"Sachet!"//

If the whole quote is italicized, it doesn't matter whether you include the quotation marks in the italics, but don't have one of them italicized and the other not.

>smiling with a tinge of embarrassment//

How does he conclude she's embarrassed? He doesn't know it as a fact, so he's making a judgment call based on how she looks and acts, so let me see that same evidence and draw my own conclusion.

>I paced her//

That's a fairly unusual verb, so it really stands out that I've already seen it 3 or 4 times.

>Unlike when I did magic//

But... what he's describing is doing magic. He even says so. He's contradicting himself.

>I though only Princess Celestia could teleport//

Typo.

>Prance//

You're inconsistent about italicizing that.

>See that compass on my hinny?//

You sure you didn't mean "hiney"? Maybe this is just a regionalism I've never heard, but as far as I know, a hinny is a donkey/horse hybrid.

>modeling?//

You've been getting this right, so it must be an oversight here. When you have a word italicized for emphasis, include a question mark or exclamation mark on it in the italics.

>saying "Um/

Missing comma.

>sent Rarity and I//

This is actually a spot for "me." "Rarity and I" is the same thing as "we." "Rarity and me" is the same thing as "us." What sounds more correct, "sent we" or "sent us"?

>visibly calming herself//

If it's visible, then shouldn't I get to see it, too?

>The yellow pegasus was reminding me of my lost friend and it was all sorts of disconcerting.//

Needs a comma between the clauses, and since he knows her name now, why is he making such an external reference as "the yellow pegasus"? You don't think about your friends with descriptors like this, do you?

>tail in the air//

Set off the absolute phrase with a comma.

>a Staff Sergeant//

In that usage, there's no reason to capitalize the rank.

>defused//

diffused

>otherhoof//

The human equivalent "on the other hand" doesn't have that as a single word, so why would this?

>Sangre jumped on the stage and Telephoto rounded on her.//

Needs a comma.

>as I trotted over to her as she landed//

Really clunky having those stacked-up "as" clauses again.

>Just talk to me about anything you want to know and I'll translate from photographer to normal pony speak.//

Needs a comma.

>returned from the hell we experienced together. By the time I returned//

Watch that close word repetition.

>all together//

In this sense, "altogether."

>wondering wistfully whether I could be more than just a friend//

I get that this is only a fleeting thought on his part, but for one thing, it comes out of nowhere, and for another, it really sets him up for one of the big Gary Stu criteria, which is that romance with one of the main characters is suggested, especially without building up to it. They've only just met. His incredibly unique and powerful talent doesn't help. I don't even see how it's necessary for this story. The one time travel incident, sure, but that wasn't the only way to get her to her appointment on time, and even if that's critical to the other story, it makes this one a questionable point of entry to the series.

>I found my special talent trying to find my father when Celestia refused to believe he wasn't involved in an aborted attack on the stadium in Fillydelphia and the destruction of the adjacent bridge.//

All this is really muddying the waters. It's pretty much irrelevant to this story, at least the details of it, and while I realize that connects to your other story, it doesn't help this one stand alone. It makes it feel like there's a lot more you aren't telling, and it bogs down this story with details that ultimately don't matter.

>that seemed to have magically appeared over my hoof//

It's weird to say this now after it's already been there awhile.

>Her plan failed; Twilight forgave her for her mistakes; she's since then become quite a hero in her own right—a savior of worlds.//

It's pretty clunky to have multiple semicolons in a single sentence, unless they're part of a list. This really doesn't sound like Fluttershy's speech, either.

>protégé//

Sunset is female, so she's a protégée.

>Change— Um//

Don't leave a space after an em dash.

>ten minute break//

ten-minute

>By the end of the shoot, I felt emotionally drained, limp like a ragdoll, but practically vibrated anyway.//

You never say anything to justify this, though. What's been so stressful for him? Just worrying that she'd make him talk about Sunset again? Then give a couple of little hints, or it's just vague.

>There was a real wind now and the traffic was loud.//

Needs a comma.

>She looked me in the eye as said, "but//

Missing word, capitalization.

>I predicated a lot of decisions in my life on her, going against what would make me most happy just to get away from everything tied up in that morass.//

This sounds more like a prepared speech. It's nothing like off-the-cuff dialogue. Would you really talk like this?

>eye opening//

Hyphenate.

>I'll talk to Twilight if I have to because she's better about such things.//

Needs a comma. This is a strange thought, though. Twilight's going to force Sangre to publish something? What would be her motivation for doing so? At least he already said it's something ponies deserve to know, but Fluttershy gives no reason of her own for wanting to spread the word, and if Celestia hasn't done so herself, i don't know why she'd presume to, and then she's so certain Twilight will feel the same way.

>help— Oh!//

Don't leave a space after the em dash.

>Something tells me that something very special is going to happen when you talk to Sunset Shimmer again.//

This carries zero impetus. The cutie map missions are about overcoming some struggle to make something happen. She didn't struggle for anything here. She stumbled into the answer, and she didn't have to convince him of anything. Just mention casually that Sunset is still alive, and the solution dropped into her lap. You're really stretching to make this into a big moment, and it's just not working. Him finding out Sunset is still alive should suffice. Let that speak on its own. You don't have to over-dramatize this to make it powerful. Less is often more. I'll discuss that a little further at the end, because it's very relevant to the story as a whole.

>by-lines//

That's not a hyphenated word.

>oblivious of their good deeds//

Set off the absolute phrase with a comma.

>Brandywine.//

Don't put a period after the closing of a letter.

I don't get why he's not writing for Prance anymore. Because he feels like there are more important things to write? Why can't he do both? One's already a steady job for him, and he doesn't have a reason to believe the other will be, except for Fluttershy engaging in some really out-of-character cronyism. He's pretty vague about it. I can't believe it's because he thinks rekindling his friendship with Sunset won't leave him enough time.

Wow, that's really off-putting that you don't mention his name until the end. I guess that's supposed to be some dramatic reveal when tied in with your other story? I haven't read it, so it means nothing to me. It's another way this story doesn't stand alone well. The information is withheld from me as if it's significant, and when I finally find out his name, it's inconsequential.

Fluttershy's voicing seems a little off. You do say that this is some time in the future, well after her first foray into modeling, so she may have changed some, but that's never addressed. If Brandywine had noted, for example, that she acted much more confidently and assertively than he would have expected, given what portrayal she'd had in canon to that point, and maybe speculated that she'd grown through her many successes as an Element, it'd be a less jarring a take on her, since it'd directly address and explain the difference.

Initially, I very much liked this story. It was a nice tale about someone with some inner turmoil being pressed into an encounter with just the right pony to help him. He's reluctant to talk about it, but she's very patient with him and eventually draws him out to confide in her. She's easing back into modeling in order to make Rarity happy, but in a way that's more agreeable to her and that Rarity probably would not approve of, but Rarity's not there to object. So far, so good.

Then we get to his special power and his back story. Not so good.

Keep in mind that if this story were to get a solo feature, we have to treat it as if the reader will come into it with no prior knowledge except for a general awareness of the TV episodes. And that's exactly what I have.

In general, that first impression I had is of a very workable story. It's when the specifics get fleshed out that it falls apart as a standalone entity. A lot of that has to do with your OC character. To illustrate, there's a concept we call "piling on." It's where you add as much tragic circumstance to a situation as you can, which very often ends up making the emotional engagement much less, since it has severely diminished authenticity and believability.

For an example, it's common to write stories about Scootaloo as an orphan. It becomes maudlin when authors continue to add tragedy by making it that both her parents died in separate but equally improbable accidents, there were no other relatives to care for her, and instead of living in an orphanage, she has to fend for herself in the streets. It just gets to be ridiculous, and the character is so far departed from a realistic situation that it's hard to relate to her.

As we start, there's this OC writer. Then we learn he has an ability that not even alicorns have; not only can he teleport to any place he can envision, but at any time, too. That's overpowered. Then we learn his mother was a terrorist leader who tried to kill Brandywine and is now such an elite villain that she's been banished to Tartarus. His father has been falsely accused of complicity and banished twice, but Brandywine managed to break him out at least once, which, according to canon, is exceedingly rare, as Tirek is the only known escapee. Upon meeting Fluttershy for the first time, he immediately speculates on a relationship with her. He discounts it just as quickly, but bringing it up in the first place has done the damage. And then main cast member and fan favorite Sunset Shimmer is not only his subordinate, but is his best friend and is infatuated with him as well.

That's a lot to swallow.

It's quite possible to build all that up in context, but to the uninitiated reader, which we have to assume everyone is, it's difficult to take him as anything but a Gary Stu. With all that I said about "piling on," it's quite possible to tell this story without all the grandiose back story. While it's also quite possible all that is required by the main story of the series, none of that is apparent here.

So while I found the premise interesting, the characterization good, and the writing solid, enough of the details contribute to it not standing alone well so that I can't recommend it for posting. I also can't see you wanting to change those details. That leaves the best course of action as submitting "Sunset Shimmer Goes to Hell," presuming that it provides that context in a reasonable way, and then adding this one as a sequel to it in a story updates post.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2785

>Relax Starlight, I -//
Needs a comma for direct address and a proper dash.

>It’s…fine//

Leave a space after an ellipsis, unless it begins a sentence or has other punctuation right after it.

>hoping the slight shakiness to her apologetic smile wouldn’t give away that yes, she had in fact been thinking of such things//

I marked this last time. It comes across as really condescending to your readers when you feel compelled to spell out your character's reasoning or motivation. There are far subtler ways of getting the same impression. Something like "She smiled quickly—no need to let Starlight know that was actually the case." That way the hope is carried in how it's expressed, and you don't have to say it outright. Give your readers some credit. If you give the right clues, they can figure things out.

>but before Trixie could respond with yet another burst of defensive statements/

Set off this dependent clause with a comma.

>It’s alright Trixie.//

Missing another comma for direct address. I only pointed out a couple of these last time, since it should be pretty self-explanatory how to fix the rest, once you've seen how to fix one. There are a lot of these I didn't mark. I was leaving it up to you to scan the story for them.

>that Trixie oh so loved to see//

That's pretty unsubtle, too. If you describe it as a "wonderful" smile, for example, it implies Trixie loves to see it, and it doesn't beat the reader over the head.

>overly leaky faucet that just wouldn't stop dripping//

Redundant.

>if they kept up the lesson//

Needs a comma after this to separate the clauses.

Here's another problem I pointed out last time that you don't seem to have done anything about. I'll list all your speech tags for the first scene, along with the words that immediately follow.
>Trixie said, slightly biting//
>Starlight said, her brow furrowed//
>she said, hoping//
>Starlight said, offering//
>Trixie said, glancing//
>Trixie said, flashing//
>Starlight said, pausing//
>Starlight said, already heading//
>she said, glancing//
>Trixie said, once again smiling//
See how every single one of those has a participial phrase (-ing or -ed verb) tacked on? It gets incredibly repetitive. Most of the speech tags in your story are like this.

>Trixie,” she stood up and raised a hoof in the air as if making a formal announcement, ”shall//

That second set of quotes is backward for some reason. This is phrased like a narrative aside, so you need to use dashes, and don't put a comma at the end of the aside:
Trixie—” she stood up and raised a hoof in the air as if making a formal announcement ”—shall

>just a tad//

You use this same phrase in consecutive sentences, and as early in the story as it is, you'd even used it more times previously.

>but since they had become such close friends//

Needs a comma after this to separate clauses. This is another thing I picked out some examples of last time and left you to find the rest on your own, but you appear to have fixed only the specific ones I marked. Again, I'm not marking all of them.

>obviously seeing through her ruse//

Way too blunt again. It's like you don't trust your readers to figure any of this out. Something like "Well, she could never hide anything from her friend" gets the same thing across without saying it outright.

>Evening Mrs. Cake//

Another spot that needs a comma for direct address. I'm not going to mark any more of these either. There are lots of them. Please go through the whole story and fix them.

>a sarcastic “Fascinating,”//

You don't have to capitalize it when it's made generic, like by putting the "a" in front of the quote. I pointed this out last time.

>Oh, yes, any good magician needs a disappearing act, and Starlight here says mastering teleportation would be the best way to go about it.//

Isn't it one of the highest principles of illusionists never to explain how a trick is performed?

>Mrs. Cake gave the unicorns a smile.//

This is in Trixie's perspective. Why would she call herself and Starlight "the unicorns"? It's strange for her to think of herself in terms of her race.

>as she once again took on the air of confidence that came when she got into her showmare mood, standing up just a bit taller as she began to wave her foreleg with her words//

It's really clunky to have multiple "as" clauses in one sentence.

>alright - Trixie//

Please use proper dashes for asides and interruptions. This is something else I'm not going to mark every instance of. Please go through your story looking for them. Hyphens are only for hyphenated words and stutters.

>You two feel free to take seat.//

Missing word. I pointed this out last time, too.

>to pre-emptively pay for tip//

Missing word.

>Sugar Cube//

Per canon, that's one word.

>egoness//

egotism

>But, at least there was coffee soaked chocolate cake to enjoy//

No reason to have that comma, and in this situation it's "coffee-soaked."

>you two. It seems she still hasn’t quite gotten control over her baby magic yet. Let me just go get you two//

You still have quite a few places where you repeat a word or phrase close together like this.

>yay….//

One too many dots.

>the two unicorn mares//

Again, really strange for Trixie to describe herself in such external and impersonal terms.

>on your head."//

Note how most of the story uses fancy-style quotation marks, but you have simple ones here. They need to be consistent. You should check through the whole story for this. I see other spots. Same goes for apostrophes, as you're also inconsistent at those. This usually results from writing most of the story in something like GDocs, which uses smart quotes, and editing directly on FiMFiction, which doesn't.

>“I guess…” she glanced outside//

The capitalization says this is a speech tag, but it has no speaking action.

>you’re….not//

One too many dots.

>how do you except me to believe//

Typo.

>your..foalishness//

One too few dots this time.

>the only one’s throwing a tantrum//

You have a possessive where you need a plural.

>that – “//

Backward quotation marks.

>“ I am a great illusionist//

Extraneous space after the quotation marks.

>I found way to do my act//

Missing word.

>You’ve honestly haven’t//

Syntax is off.

>Part of her wanted to say yes, she was absolutely perfect so of course she hadn’t changed at all.//

Comma splice.

>all the teacher’s she had ever had//

Using a possessive where you need a plural.

>gentle smile on her face as she gently//

Just one more example of close word repetition.

>touchy-feeling//

Usually phrased as "touchy-feely."

>mistakes-“//

Another spot that needs a dash, and the quotation marks are backward.

>Trixie...,//

Don't put a comma after an ellipsis.

>this was the kind of moments//

Mixing plural/singular.

Seems like you did a better job of adding some consequence to the story, but it still needs a fair amount of mechanical cleanup. If you can manage that, then I could see posting it. Just please keep in mind that for all the recurring things, I'm only marking a couple of examples. There are a lot more than those in the story.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2794

>which was good since Rarity hadn't once paused with telling her story//
Yet the story intro doesn't create this feel. You go through mundane things like who's there and where they're sitting, then oh by the way, Rarity was talking the whole time. Bring that in from the start.

>Rarity cast her gaze skyward for several aggravating seconds.//

I'm having trouble identifying the perspective. This is the narrator getting aggravated, so you must be using a limited narration, but I'm not sure whose viewpoint he represents. The opening paragraph was so bland that it didn't take on a personal voice, but here, you do. You need to tweak things so the perspective is consistent. It's good practice to keep it the same for an entire scene, unless there's a compelling reason to shift it, and even then, it shouldn't change too often or abruptly.

>wonder...well//

Leave a space after an ellipsis, unless it starts a sentence or is immediately followed by more punctuation.

>the pegasus//

The only time so far you seemed to have adopted a perspective, it was Rainbow Dash's, yet if she still holds it, this means she'd choose to refer to herself as "the pegasus," which is weird. Plus she's not the only pegasus there.

>new?//

When a word is italicized for emphasis, it's preferred that exclamation marks or question marks on it be included in the italics.

>she pointed at Applejack, who wore a similar smile,//

Don't put a comma at the end of an aside like this.

>It was almost disturbing//

And the perspective has gone vague again. I have no idea who finds this disturbing.

Compare that to the first chapter, where your narrator really does take on Applejack's voice well. The perspective in the prologue is pretty unidentifiable.

>Her brother nodded//

The last female character mentioned is Granny Smith, so the "her" would seem to refer to her.

>celler//

I can't tell whether you're writing the accent here, but really, if you spelled it right, how would it be pronounced any differently?

>"But it ain't fair!" she protested.//

Again, it's kind of vague who "she" is, since Granny spoke the previous quote.

>Ayh//

What in the world is this? I don't know how it'd sound different from the "Ah" you've been using.

>began to trot back up the path to their home. She scowled some more, then started//

"Begin" and "start" actions should be used sparingly anyway, so it's a bit much to get two so close together. It's self-explanatory that any action begins, so it's only worth pointing it out when that beginning is significant in some way, like it's abrupt or the action never finishes.

>It just titled to one corner and rested there.//

Typo.

>Applejack finished catching up.//

That's kind of a strange phrasing. Why not just say she caught up?

One thing that could stand to be tuned up is the abundance of "to be" verbs. They're everywhere. They tend to stagnate a story, since nothing happens. It's usually not hard to phrase things with an active verb, and it makes things much more interesting to read. Of the forms that are easy to search for, I count 50, which is pushing it for a chapter this short. That's a little less frequent than once every other sentence, so that's how often something doesn't happen. You get somewhat of a pass for dialogue, but the paragraph starting with "Applejack wasn't sure how it was possible" is particularly awash in them. It's not a requirement to keep these to a minimum, but it does help your story flow better.

>back into his saddlebags//

>back inside the wagon//
Kind of repetitive phrasing in consecutive sentences.

>Applejack later learned that the seeds they were buying were bred to do well in the late-season harvest.//

This is a weird choice, since it pulls the story out of being shown "live." It's a narrative summary after the fact, but shouldn't that return them to their discussion around the table? That'd seem the place to give a denouement like this.

>She never got to enjoy it, though.//

Never got to enjoy what? The storm? She's never expressed an affinity for them. The apples? It'd be a long time before they sprouted, so she'd have to be grounded a very long time for that. And why was she grounded anyway? Granny Smith never seemed to be getting mad at her, and she never gave any warnings. Applejack's limited narration never expressed that she was pushing things. So it just comes out of nowhere that there was a punishable offense committed in the first place.

I'm not sure I understand the point of this story. There's no punchline, and Applejack doesn't illustrate a life lesson from it. She just tells about a time they helped someone fix a wagon wheel. I don't get why the girls would enjoy listening to it. It just doesn't go anywhere.

And as I start the second story, I find it really odd that you don't return to the framing device of the girls listening to Rarity and Applejack. It makes it feel like Rarity immediately starts into her story without anyone discussing or remarking on Applejack's, and that only heightens the sense that the first one had no point, since the girls aren't getting anything out of it. At least you do cut in later, but I don't understand why you wouldn't between stories.

I don't understand how Rarity didn't already know about all this damage to her home. Did she buy the place sight unseen?

>gruffy stallion//

I don't think "gruffy" is a word. Are you sure you don't mean "gruff"?

>her parent's house//

She only has one parent?

>("Told ya.")//

Like the handling of the framing device, this is causing me some cognitive dissonance. You're in a scene that's showing me events as a flashback, yet you're still letting the present cut in. But the flashback scenes are being told more like a narrative summary that as if they're actually happening now, so it's less engaging. This almost reads more like a diary entry in that regard.

>business!//

Italicize the exclamation mark as well.

>It took her all of two seasons//

As in six months? That's not very long to repay a business loan. She's very fortunate.

The second story does right what the first story did wrong and vice versa. Rarity's actually making a point, and a nice one at that, whereas Applejack's story was pointless. On the other hand, Applejack's story felt a lot more in the moment, as we see it play out "live," with the action and dialogue going on as if in the present, while in Rarity's story, most of the action is delivered via narrative summary, so it comes across like reading a newspaper account of it, not like I'm witnessing it. If you combined Applejack's in-the-moment feel with Rarity's having a message to relate, you'd be on to something.

>He didn't want to walk in with soaking hair again//

This seems to be from Big Mac's perspective, which is strange, since Applejack's the one telling the story.

>Big Mac!!//

One exclamation mark is plenty.

>good mornin', sis//

When used as a term of address, family relations get capitalized.

>They told her what the plan was supposed to be.//

And you're lapsing into narrative summary again. Show me these things happening. Don't just assure me they did. I'm really not engaged with Applejack and how she's feeling so emotional about watching her siblings together. It's supposed to be a departure from the routine, but when it's the only instance I get to see, it doesn't feel out of the ordinary. You need the reader experiencing it the way Applejack does so they'll feel the same way.

Nice touch with the repetition of "don't make this a routine," and I like the way Granny Smith has the only flawless dish, yet she sleeps through it. This one makes a nice point as well, so I guess the first story was just an aberration? It sticks out when you're leading off with a weak one, though.

>"Broke?" Rainbow Dash asked. "You seriously went broke for a while?"//

Yeah, see, shy would Dash wait to ask this until after Applejack had told another story? You need to use the framing device more consistent with how they'd actually have their conversation.

Nice touch with Apple Bloom getting her first bow from Rarity.

>She didn't say anything, she simply nodded to her friends and took her seat again.//

Comma splice.

This is a really cute idea for a story. It just loses something in the execution, where Rarity's story and part of Applejack's second one feel glossed over, plus the framing device didn't pop up in any of the places it should have. Fortunately, those shouldn't be a big deal to address, as there's not a ton written yet. I'd recommend letting the frame story poke it between each story, either at the end of one chapter or the beginning of the next (or both) and keep the narrative summarizing to events that don't build up the emotional investment in specific ways. Plus the first story really needs a point to it. I'd say you found a nice balance in the first story as to what events to show "live" and what to summarize, while the next two did a better job of having a point.

I'd love to see this fixed up so I can post it. It's a delightful little series of slice-of-life moments with just enough of a message to each to keep it from being fluff. I'm interested to see where else you go with it!

Ion-Sturm 2803

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Still going at it, eh? Tenacious, moreso than I am (or was, possibly ever will be). But I digress, I just wanted to say that what you're doing is worthy of commendation. Many of these exhaustive lists don't seem to get a reply, and those that do rarely move into a proper conversation (although that is from a rather quick skim of just the last fifty posts).

Getting a 'Thank-you' from someone who you've helped is nice, but one from a person who just sees you doing your job? Ah, now that is a fine thing indeed. So, thank you, for helping these people find their words. And thank you for keeping some of that old /fic/ spirit alive.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2805

>>2803
I appreciate your appreciation. There are a fair number of these stories that do get resubmitted, and the authors will ask questions through email or just revise on their own. So I do get more responses/resubmissions than are apparent here, but still on far less than half of them.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2806

>It had been almost a year now she had been living in this castle and it had taken at least eight months before she finally felt confident she understood its design and the locations of each room.//
The wording of the first part doesn't quite work, and the last part means that each room has multiple locations. Maybe that one's intentional. Needs a comma between the clauses, too.

>who to send//

whom

This first chapter is rather ungainly. It goes through nothing but exposition, where it could have gotten at the same information by showing me some quick scenes of the events in question, and then it's more gradual and pertinent than having to settle in for a history lesson. Narrative exposition just isn't a terribly engaging thing to do in large amounts, particularly not at the beginning, where you're trying to grab the reader's interest.

>But, there was nothing.//

There's rarely a reason to put a comma after a conjunction. They're not for dramatic pauses.

>Her friend’s cutie marks//

She has more than one friend, right?

>And hope that that wasn’t some horrible evil out there that would try and kill her.//

While "that that" can be a valid grammatical structure, I don't think it's what you wanted here.

>was…odd//

Leave a space after an ellipsis, unless it starts a sentence or has other punctuation right after it.

>sans the Cutie Map itself//

Why isn't the map also a little to the left?

>relief palpable across her face//

There ar an awful lot of times you directly say how a character feels instead of demonstrating it. Twilight's an exception, since as the limited narration, how the narration words things and the conversational style it takes can also convey her mood. But for other characters, spend more time focusing on the evidence of their emotions instead of just identifying them.

>the pegasus’s neck//

It can be ungainly to use this type of reference anyway, but you have to be particularly careful using them in a limited narration. Keep in mind that this narration is basically Twilight's stream of thought, so you're saying that she'd choose to refer to her very good friend Fluttershy as "the pegasus." You don't think about your friends in such abstract and external ways, do you?

>She knew they weren’t laughing at her. Not like that.//

Now you seem to have shifted into Fluttershy's perspective, but you don't stay there. It's not a good idea to shift around limited perspective suddenly or frequently.

>‘till//

Note that smart quotes always get leading apostrophes backward, since they assume you want an opening single quote. You can paste one in the right way or type two in a row and delete the first. But the apostrophe isn't even necessary for this spelling. The accepted variations are til, 'til, and till.

>There was fear evident in her voice//

I think I can avoid a longer explanation by simply posing this question, considering that this is Twilight's limited narration: do you have to listen to your own voice to know how you feel?

>The mare in question//

Again, a very external reference for someone Twilight knows well. In your own thoughts, you don't refer to your grandfather as "the gray-haired man," do you?

>nearly running into it, as it was still slightly out of position//

Well there you go. Except the "still" suggests she noted this before, yet the story didn't mention it.

>just somewhat to the left of where she had intended it to appear//

Actually, this brings up a question. Is Twilight central to this universe? To her, "left" depends on which way she's facing, so not some sort of global "north." If everything's always to her left, then it's not that way for everyone else. There's actually quite a bit of comic absurdity inherent in that, and it would do you well to use it.

>Until then, he figured that it was just Twilight being Twilight//

Without Twilight hedging a bit, like saying that he appeared to be thinking this, it breaks the perspective, as it's either transferred over to Spike's viewpoint or Twilight's reading his mind.

>Besides, there were a couple of comic books upstairs in his room that were calling his name. And who was he to deny them?//

Yeah, you've definitely switched to Spike's perspective. You can get away with this more in comedies, since a close emotional attachment to the viewpoint character often isn't as crucial, but you're really pushing it. Plus the transitions between perspectives are abrupt.

>It was time to try and feel out what Spike and her’s relationship was in this world//

Yeah, you need to smooth out these perspctive shifts or just confine it all to one perspective. This is a jarring transfer from Spike's head, and we didn't even get any important information that Twilight couldn't have reasoned her way to while there.

>without being arousing//

Wording is off.

>Spike knew her better than anypony else//

But Spike isn't a pony...

>unsure exactly where she was going with this//

There's a short discussion on "head hopping" at the top of this thread that might shed some light on why your constantly shifting perspective isn't a good thing.

>But he didn’t seem to notice her confusion, as he was glowering, irritated at her for how he thought she was going about this whole thing.//

And now you're inhabiting two perspectives in the same sentence.

>Spike grit his teeth//

The past tense is "gritted."

>See, Spike had never fully forgiven Starlight for what she had tried to do//

This really sounds like the narrator is talking to the reader.

>mmph!

When a word is italicized for emphasis, it's preferred to include an exclamation mark or question mark on it in the italics.

>But let’s not get into that//

If you're going to have the kind of narrator who speaks to the reader, you need to establish that from the start and use it consistently, and it also doesn't blend well with the limited narration representing Twilight's (and occasionally other characters') viewpoints. It implies that this is Twilight addressing the audience, and that means she's aware she has an audience, which you haven't established, either in a meta sense or that she's explicitly telling someone the story.

>who I could trust//

whom

>as seen above//

Yeah, you really shouldn't wait until near the end of the second chapter to introduce fourth-wall breaking.

>“Nope. No plan here.//

Missing your closing quotes.

>somedragon/

Why's she using this now when she included him in "anypony" twice earlier?

>Nothing much seemed to be different. In fact, it all seemed to be exactly the same.//

"Nothing much" isn't the same as "nothing." These two sentences are pretty contradictory.

>famous celebrities//

Aren't celebrities inherently famous? You don't need to say so.

>of which they were intimately familiar with//

You have redundant prepositions. It's just "with which they were intimately familiar."

>Wrap-Up//

The official episode title doesn't use a hyphen.

>Grand-Galloping Gala//

And that doesn't have a hyphen, either.

Why are you spending a significant chunk of chapter 3 recapping the entire show?

>She continued on, ignoring his comment.//

But she didn't ignore it. The whole last paragraph was a train of thought it led to.

>Shining’s and Cadance’s pregnancy//

When you use separate possessives, it means they separately own the thing. These two own it jointly, so only put it on Cadence.

>hoping to alleviate her stress some//

It's not a good idea to spell out motives like this. Let his actions and behavior speak for him.

>It never even registered that that was, in fact, the difference here. Something so simple was completely overlooked.//

Here's a fundamental problem with the kind of narration you've chosen. The narrator basically is one of the characters, so he can't know what the character doesn't. Yet here, the narrator representing Twilight explicitly says he knows something she doesn't. It's contradictory.

>‘A Wholly Comprehensive and Detailed History of the World’//

Titles don't take both italics and quotes. As a book, this one just needs italics.

Twilight's sure holding the idiot ball here. There's only so far you can stretch that, and I fear it's going to take up the whole chapter.

>There was quite a lot of things in her books//

Number mismatch: was... things.

>S’alright//

That apostrophe isn't where the skipped letters are.

>Sorry!//

Include the exclamation mark in the italics.

>comedic interruption//

If you have to tell the reader that something is funny, chances are that it isn't.

>his face a cross between worry and irritation//

Show me the evidence of it. Just naming emotions doesn't paint a vivid picture.

>pith hat//

The proper name is a pith helmet.

This makes me wonder if there are multiple Discords or if by his nature he inhabits the entire multiverse.
>Maybe her Discord wouldn’t know she agreed to do so.//
Well, I guess that answers that question.

>–quizzing//

The way you have this punctuated doesn't make sense.

Alright, at least you depart from her obliviousness for a good joke about her having a contingency plan to overthrow Equestria.

>Rest assured, Spike//

She uses direct address with him an awful lot. Think about how often you do when you're having a one-on-one conversation.

>apple or cake-related disasters//

You presumably meant the "related" to apply to the "apple" as well, so stick a hyphen on the "apple" as well.

What's with all these one-sentence paragraphs? They're for emphasis, and when everything is emphasized, effectively nothing is.

>Though, little did she know, that the timelines had never diverged because they had never been one, singular stream in the first place.//

Again, you're having the limited narrator in Twilight's perspective saying things Twilight explicitly doesn't know.

>His deflated some.//

His what?

>been—” Her eyes found the clock, tick tocking from up on the wall. “—almost//

When you put a narrative aside in a quote, it doesn't get capitalized or take end punctuation (except possibly for a question mark or exclamation mark where appropriate).

>“Sure, Twi. Whatever you say."//

Notice your mixed quotation mark styles here. You ought to make them consistent throughout. The fancy ones usually come from MS Word or GDocs, and the simple ones from editing directly on FiMFiction. The same goes for apostrophes.

>but the slight differences in where others stood in relation to her home universe had unsettled her. As such, she wasn’t entirely sure why she felt so relieved to be back home.//

Actually, it sounds like she does understand. She stated it outright then said she doesn't know.

>She was incredibly curious as to what sort of Twilight had ended up here.//

But she met that Twilight. If she wanted to know so bad, why didn't she stop and talk?

>She, here referring to Other Twilight.//

That's less Twilight talking to herself and more the author talking to the reader.

>After everything, after all that time and effort, that was the difference?!//

It's kind of hard to take this as the story's climax when you've been telling me exactly this since the beginning.

>Twilight Sparkle had been transported to an alternate universe where everything was moved slightly to the right.//

I thought she went to one where everything was shifted left. Or have you switched which Twilight you're talking about?

>It looked as if she was about to say something more, but then didn’t.//

How does she know what she looks like she's about to do? She's not watching herself in a mirror.

>I’ll tell you later.//

It'd take her less than ten words to sum it up. I don't understand why she won't.

>lay down for a while//

Lay/lie confusion. They're tough verbs to keep straight.

All these one-sentence paragraphs are getting really grating.

It's kind of weird that the cutie map can take her to the other universes. It only did in canon because Starlight was changing the past, so Twilight returned to see what changes that had made in the present. She's not doing anything to the past now. I guess I don't understand why you're using the map for this and not, say, the mirror, which does go to alternate universes.

>But, I do understand a little bit.//

There's rarely a good reason to put a comma after a conjunction. This one doesn't belong.

The idea here is funny, but it's basically one of those "joke is in the title" stories, and you stretch that joke over two full chapters after a very expository intro with Twilight strangely oblivious to the fact that she herself keeps saying things aren't in the right place.

The perspective jumps around a lot, shifting from Twilight to Spike on a whim, and often having Twilight's limited narration say things she doesn't know. The perspective and the mechanical things I noted would need to be addressed, but the story is also significantly longer than it needs to be. There's lots of filler, like the exposition-heavy first chapter, the summary of the show's six full seasons, and repeatedly having Twilight notice yet not notice that things are slightly moved relative to her expectations.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2807

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

This isn't the worst thing in the world, but note that your opening paragraph is kind of stagnant, which isn't the best way to hook a reader. This is because you have three "to be" verbs in only two sentences, plus the last of those is in a passive voice structure. The more you word things actively, the more engaging they will be. Take this one:
>Nobles were always where the most 'unusual' would originate from//
Try "The most 'unusual' would alwas originate from the nobles"
or if you really like the nobles heading the sentence, "Nobles had always provided the most 'unusual'"
It's not generally too hard to rephrase things with active verbs and structures.

>None of these had ever broken her composure or caused her to stop in her tracks, the last rays of an Equestrian sunset already bleeding from the walls and falling to shadows on the floor.//

I don't see the connection at all. What comes after the comma is an absolute phrase, which modifies the entire dependent clause it's attached to, usually, and serves to synchronize actions or place dependencies on them. So this is trying to say the last rays bleed in while some other action is occurring, but there is no other action, just some statement about her past tendencies. It doesn't make sense.

>dramatically//

Your narration tends to be in Celestia's perspective, but it's strange for her to see this as dramatic. There's no reason for her to, and it comes across more as you trying to convince the reader that it is.

>swathes//

This is the verb form. The noun is "swaths."

>the ageless goddess that was her new teacher//

This seems to be more from Twilight's perspective than Celestia's. Why'd you switch for just the one sentence?

>She regained her composure immediately, after all if this filly were to live in the castle//

The comma you have is a splice, and you need a comma at the end of this to separate the dependent clause.

>young - Twilight's//

Please use proper dashes for asides and interruptions.

>uncertain expression//

Keep your perspective in mind. You're having Celestia evaluate her own expression when she can't see it. Even so, seeing it wouldn't be what allowed her to know how she felt. In an example I use frequently, you don't need to look in a mirror to know you're happy.

>as kind as she appeared to help her little student see in the dark halls//

I can't figure out what you're trying to say.

>taking it upon herself to interrupt when it became clear the filly was struggling to explain herself.//

You're really over-explaining her motives. Let her actions and the tone of her narration speak for themselves. The reader can figure out a lot of this with the right clues.

>Everypony knows that nopony bothers the princess and here she had just requested that//

It's really not a good idea to keep jerking the perspective back and forth like this.

>Almost//

Almost what? I don't get why Twilight says this.

>Well, Twilight I//

Needs another comma. In the middle of a sentence, direct address gets commas on both sides.

>Celestia closed the door behind her carefully waiting with her lips pursued in a dark room until even the echo of her hoofsteps had all but left her mind, a single word taking up the mental space where the dying melody had been.//

That's such a busy sentence that it loses focus. Plus it needs a comma to set off the participial phrase, I'm not sure why the "in a dark room" even needs to be there, and if she's closing the door and pausing, there weren't hoofsteps to echo just then, so the timing sounds a little strange.

>possibly-true//

You don't need to hyphenate two-word phrases starting with an -ly adverb.

>And with the knowledge of after all these years there would be no more tears to choke back lest those words be true//

Awkward phrasing. The "of" would do better as "that."

>shelves of bookshelves//

There are... shelves on shelves?

>Most of their value was not in their original content, the text written in them was not what was advanced.//

Comma splice. I'm not going to keep marking these, but note that I see others.

>her coat came in contact with one of the werelights, warming her white coat//

Watch the close repetition of word or phrases like this.

>She laid the book down on the table without a word and located a small wooden end table overshadowed by the many bookshelves that towered over it.//

It sounds strange to shift focus from one table to the other like this. It almost makes them sound like they're the same table. And all that business about the bookshelves towering over it is irrelevant.

>the sun princess//

It's strange for her to refer to herself in such an external manner in her own thoughts (which is essentially what a limited narration is).

>She stared at the holes that marked missing words in entire sentences.//

Awkward phrasing again. I'm not sure what "entire" does here. If the words are missing, then they aren't entire sentences, are they?

>T-Ten//

Unless it's a word that has to be capitalized anyway, only capitalize the first part of a stutter.

>"Princess, if I'm not failing... how come you didn't tell me?"//

I'm lost. Didn't tell her what? She expected an update from the princess to confirm that she wasn't failing? I can't imagine why.

>thirteen year old filly//

thirteen-year-old filly

>no more than three bolts of fire maximum//

Redundant.

>There were nothing//

was

I don't know, I'm with Sunset here. We're never given anything to say the rules prevent her from hitting all three targets with a single blast.

>A small spark too light next to Sunset Shimmer//

I can't parse this.

>you are not here-" She swept a wing to indicate Canterlot Castle behind them. "-for the//

Please use proper dashes. And narrative asides in quotes like this don't get capitalized or take end punctuation (except possibly for exclamation marks or question marks as appropriate).

>it feels right!//

When you italicize words for emphasis, it's preferred to include exclamation marks and question marks attached to them in the italics.

It's hard to get invested in this disagreement between Sunset and Celestia when we're only seeing the culmination of it. There's a lot of history here, but it's hard to get that across in the moment. Some of it gets skipped, other parts show up as expository dialogue that has trouble sounding authentic.

>the sun goddess//

Another strangely external reference for Celestia to use for herself.

I'm not sure it's a good move for Celestia to issue an ultimatum to a strong-willed student. We'll see how that plays out, but it seems like a drastic step. It might feel more justified if we were privy to Celestia's earlier efforts with Sunset.

>Have you ever talked with Princess Cadance? I have seen the both of you talking at the past two Summer Sun Celebrations//

Why'd she ask the question when she immediately answered it herself? She didn't do it in a rhetorical manner.

>By dawn//

Missing a line break here.

>I do think you will reconsider the harsh words that you spoke to me//

They weren't actually that harsh. Sunset was obviously frustrated but she wasn't insulting or outright disrespectful. I'm still on Sunset's side.

>I know that you are a very smart young mare but the extent of focus you've devoted to your studying is unnatural. There is more to life than the mastery of magical arts and the solitary state you've withdrawn to since you arrived from Tall Tale is not acceptable.//

Another couple of sentences that need a comma between the clauses.

>Princess Celestia stood outside the same room that a young Twilight Sparkle would call her own.//

This is a strange thing to say in Celestia's perspective, since she wouldn't know this yet.

>lunch box sized//

Hyphenate.

>"Nu-uh," Twilight pouted, "The//

The use of commas here indicates the quote is one continuous sentence, so why are you capitalizing "the"?

>scary!//

Italicize the exclamation mark.

>was to inept at socializing//

Typo.

>Cadance nodded vigorously.//

Missing a line break.

>Cadance too, looked//

Same, and there's no reason to have a comma there.

>"Hi, Shiny! Hi Auntie!"//

Look at the inconsistent comma usage for direct address.

>her and Twilight had been playing on//

she and Twilight

>if she didn't know better she'd say that the princess looked a bit sad//

You started the scene in Cadence's perspective. Why'd you switch to Twilight? Or if that's where you want to be, why'd you start with Cadence? This is a very short chapter to necessitate a shift of perspective. And then you go over to Celestia's point of view.

>her subjects strolling in the distance, Cadance and Shining Armor among them//

You only vaguely mentioned something about Cadence leaving, so it came as a surprise to me to find her in the distance now.

>not knowing that they would meet again//

Once more, you're having the limited narrator say something the viewpoint character wouldn't know.

And the last chapter has one of the things I hate most to see in letters. There are lots of things crossed out that Celestia presumably has changed her mind about saying, but in a stroke of supreme convenience, they're still available for the reader to see, even though Twilight isn't meant to. This is a huge cheat and absolutely destroys a sense of realism in letters. The fact the she never sends it is immaterial; she fully intended to when writing it, so she must either not mind that Twilight would be able to see all the crossed-out stuff, or I shouldn't be able to see it either. The only way to justify something like this is if it's something Celestia was writing for her own benefit and she never intended anyone else to read it.

>you have accomplished many thing//

Typo.

>has so much potential//

Missing end punctuation.

>continue to study magical practice and theory, heading toward a brilliant future - one where I wish to see you continue//

Repetition of "continue," and just another example of a place where you need a proper dash.

>I know that you hardly enjoyed any of my prompts for you to be enrolled in a few classes at my School for Gifted Unicorns//

I don't understand what you're saying here. Twilight was very enthusiastic about attending. It's also pretty awkwardly phrased.

>what I have done and why...//

Very, very carefully consider whether to put an ellipsis in a letter. They're speaking affectations, and they arise out of circumstance, not because the speaker planned it that way. Yet actually writing one is a very deliberate act, one which the writer must have decided is critical to the meaning. The kinds of things that lead to one in speech just don't happen in letters. Coming into earshot/waking up obviously don't happen. Losing a train of thought wouldn't happen either, since the writer can just pick back up when she does get back on track, and she wouldn't be inscribing the three dots to pass the time while she was thinking about it.

>the some of the//

Extraneous word.

>or-//

This is the same deal as an ellipsis. Really think about whether the ltter writer would go to the trouble of putting a dash there. If you got interrupted while writing, would you just continue on when you got a chance? Of course. You don't stick a dash there to let the recipient know an interruption occurred. If she's really cutting off the sentence, she'd just stop writing. She'd have to think it altered the meaning enough to include the dash if she bothered to put it there.

>to make me realized//

Typo.

>casting dramatic shadows on her face//

Why would Celestia think they were dramatic? How could she even what her face looked like?

>it became harder to breath//

Typo.

>The rest lie around her//

Why'd you switch to present tense?

>Yet, right now Celestia//

Commas after conjunctions are rarely used correctly. This one isn't.

There's not a bad message here, but it does really muddle things that this relies on some other continuity to help define the relationships. It leads to things feeling a tiny bit off, so this may not be a good point of entry into the series. Ultimately, it didn't matter that I tended to agree with Sunset, since it seems like I'm supposed to.

Chiefly, a lot of the baggage informing the conflict between Sunset and Celestia is left unspoken, and I'm guessing that's covered in more detail in another story, but having it come to a head here doesn't carry as much gravity when I don't have the history of it or the stakes that each of them attaches to it. Same goes for Celestia's desperation to use these Faithful Students as some sort of companion (and I had to read the comments to understand that—it's not evident in the story). Plus the perspective skips around, and the long letter Celestia writes has a lot of little things that harm its credibility and authenticity.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2814

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

That first scene is still really repetitive. A dark aperture forms. So far, so good. But then a second one forms, and it behaves exactly like the first. Then a third forms and behaves exactly like the other two. You say a lot of the same stuff three times.

>A flock of seagulls, circling above it, moved en masse away from it.//

If they're circling above it, then they're not moving away. And the first three sentences of this paragraph are all structured the same, which sounds repetitive.

>She sighed in content//

As a noun, "content" doesn't mean what you want it to mean here.

>The windows shuddered from the force of the winds//

They just did that about a page ago.

>across and draped a hoof across//

Watch that close word repetition.

>they sighed in content//

You just used that phrase, and "content" is still used wrong. Plus you really ought to avoid using these "in/with/of emotion" phrases. They do nothing to create a mental picture of what's happening.

Wait, are they in the Crystal Empire? If so, why do they need to build a fire? The Crystal Heart keeps the cold weather away.

>Cadance stammered//

You just used that as your last speaking verb. It's an unusual enough one that it stands out when repeated. Plus it's not even that necessary. I can see she's stammering without the narrator telling me.

>opal-colored//

Opal doesn't really have a color, since part of its charm is the interplay of colors the water in it creates.

>clad in crystalline armor//

>clad in full sets of armor//
Kind of repetitive phrasing close together.

>the guard’s otherwise stoic faces//

One guard has multiple faces? That's a singular possessive you're using.

>they?//

When you have a word italicized for emphasis, it's preferred to include any question marks or exclamation marks on it in the italics.

>Another drop of sweat ran down Twilight’s muzzle and she shook her head.//

You have lots of places like this where you need a comma between clauses. When each verb goes to a different subject, you have multiple clauses, and you'll normally want to put a comma between them.

>as they stalked up to him//

"Stalk" is a strange word choice here. They're not trying to be sneaky, they don't mean him harm, and they're not upset with him.

>Cadance could only stare//

There's a lot of staring going on.

>her…” Shining trailed off.//

The trailing off is already evident from the ellipsis. You don't need to narrate it.

>Shining looked at this wife//

He has another?

>before nodded//

Missing word.

>His muzzle curled into a smile at the sight of his foal.//

He's been looking at her the whole time. When did he not have sight of her?

I do wonder why everyone accepts her explanation so readily. She really has no way of proving it.

>Twilight Sparkle squinted in the light of the mid-afternoon sun as she.//

As she what?

>while trying, futility//

futilely

>“I see,” Twilight said. “So that’s who would have gone after Flurry Heart.”//

But you're not going to say who? That's a pointless tease. It's also not one that works with the narration. Since you're using an omniscient narrator, he knows who, and he has no motivation to withhold it.

>The hole, almost in response, suddenly expanded by a quarter of its size. Another hole appeared to the side and it grew and grew before it finally joined with the much larger hole. The winds increased in intensity from there.//

And now we're getting the same play-by-play we did in the first chapter.

>Crystal watched the display with intent.//

I'm not sure if this is really what you meant. It could be valid, but I suspect you meant "intensity."

>but thought to go there//

Seems like she does the exact opposite of this.

>jumbled information//

>jumbled together//
These occur pretty close together.

>staring at it intently//

She just did so in the first sentence of this scene.

>Finally, she indeed saw the star that sat atop her tree-like castle at the northern end of Ponyville. Ponyville, then, was there, on the far side of that star.//

That basically says the same thing twice.

>To her, it seemed bottomless.//

And again, this just restates what the last sentence did.

>Ponyville, which still remained hidden behind her castle//

You just said more of it came into view, but now you're saying it's still hidden. Which is it?

>She reappeared directly over the large pointed star that was the highest point of her castle.//

You've already mentioned the star several times, and you've already noted it's at the top of the castle several times.

>but,” she pointed toward the general direction of Sugarcube Corner, “Princess//

When you have a narrative aside in a quote, use dashes, not commas:
but—” she pointed toward the general direction of Sugarcube Corner “—Princess

Why does Celestia keep using direct address with Twilight? It's not like she has trouble keeping Twilight's attention, and it's not like Twilight is unsure she's the one being spoken to.

>But, we have a duty to perform.//

No reason to have a comma there.

>Recollections of prior conversations came rushing back and she thought about Miasmus.//

That's so vague to the point that I have no idea what it's talking about. What conversations? Just Crystal's descriptions? You go on to say that anyway.

Twilight's friends explaining Miasmus's back story gets very talking heads. Paragraph after paragraph goes by with no narration but a short speech tag.

>heartedly//

I have to think you meant "heartily."

>Fluttershy had reappeared, now carrying Starlight in her forehooves//

Why is this necessary? Starlight can levitate herself.

There's quite a bit of repetitive language throughout this fight scene.

I'm not sure why Twilight won't take Crystal's advice on how to fight them. Yeah, it might hurt them, but it won't kill them, and it's better than the alternative.

And I see one of the commenters made the same point I was wondering about. If Miasmus was such a threat, why didn't Crystal make sure he was dealt with while he was still weak?

>Said figure whirled around and, with energy coursing through their horn, they shot a blast of magic which barreled right into Starlight Glimmer.//

What does "they" refer to? I think you meant the horn, or you're going for a non-gender-specific pronoun, but it sounds really odd.

>tightened her Stetson//

I don't know how you'd do that. It's not an adjustable hat.

>’Course//

You don't need the apostrophe, since you're not cutting any letters off the word. You're just skipping a word.

>ignored!//

Italicize the question mark.

>Crystal drove all four of her hooves into Celestia’s back.//

Why would she do this? It'll end up hurting Celestia, too, and from what Crystal already said, it takes a concentrated magical blast. Physical attacks won't do anything, so she's willing to hurt Celestia without it accomplishing anything?

>the blob laying in the snow//

Lay/lie confusion. You need "lying" here, since there's no direct object.

>lying in the snow//

Well, you get it right this time, but it's repetitive to have the same phrase in consecutive paragraphs.

>The blog tumbled through the snow//

I didn't think they had computers.

You use some form of "blob" 8 times within barely a page.

>But, that’s what I’m here for.//

No reason to have that comma.

>I don’t know who you two are related//

Typo.

>Twilight let out a breath that she didn’t know she had been holding.//

This is the second most cliched sentence possible.

>winced in response//

>hummed in response//
These are in consecutive sentences. And then this occurs not long after:
>smiled weakly in response//

>trotted in their direction. Twilight following closely behind//

Seems like you meant that period to be a comma. This would be an odd place for a sentence fragment, and you haven't been in the habit of using them.

>Failing?//

Italicize the question mark.

>The tremors shook the castle which in turn nearly threw them off of their hooves.//

This says it's the castle that almost knocked them over.

>larged holes//

Typo.

Every time these holes form we just get the same description again.

>She could see pink-colored cloud//

>This is worst-case scenario.//
Missing word.

>you!?//

>it doesn’t exist anymore!//
Include the exclamation mark and question mark in the italics.

>staunch smells//

I'm not sure that means what you want it to mean.

>Twilight kept staring for long moments and then turned//

Missing your end punctuation.

>Twilight stepped off the map and examined.//

Examined what?

>They watched her with intent.//

What intent? Again, I think you meant "intensity." But there are lots of places like this where you give a generic descriptor instead of saying specifically how it looks. Let their personalities come through. Don't be so vague.

Twilight's awfully blase about being dropped off in a universe where she apparently just died and doesn't really know anyone here. Crystal Faire absolutely ditched her. It all happens so quickly, suddenly, and without reaction that it loses its gravity.

>she thought aloud//

Then look at the next paragraph. You use "thought" four more times there.

>Wrap-up//

Both parts of a hyphenated word get capitalized in a proper noun. And the title of the episode didn't use a hyphen anyway.

>freshly-painted//

You don't need to hyphenate two-word terms that start with an -ly adverb.

>Twilight could make out everything; the bookshelves built into the wooden walls, the wooden horse head that sat on the middle table, and the grand sun painting that took up most of the ceiling.//

The semicolon isn't used right, as what comes after it couldn't stand as a complete sentence. You could use a colon there, since you're clarifying "everything."

>most obvious question; “How are you here right now?//

A colon would be more appropriate, since you're defining the question.

>The smells of freshly baked bread and the sweet smells of cakes and other sweets filled her nostrils; they too were as she remembered them.//

Another misused semicolon. This one should really be a dash. Also note there's more repetition in this paragraph: 2 uses of "smell" and 3 of "sweet."

>They each wore concerned frowns.//

You tell me characters are concerned quite a bit.

>I… tell me this; Flurry Heart… she broke the Crystal Heart, right?//

That semicolon would work better as a colon, since you're defining "this."

>she looked at Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy//

You've capitalized/punctuated that like a speech tag, but there's no speaking verb.

>Buckball//

Why is that capitalized?

>globed eyes//

That's a really strange word choice. It just means they're round. But they always were, right? That's just the default. If they're not, then something is really wrong.

>Twilight furrowed her brow and struck the ground.//

But she's on a balcony, well above the ground.

This story has kind of derailed. At first it was about Crystal Faire trying to save entire universes, and Twilight got swept up in that battle for her own, but now we're on our second chapter of Twilight's existential crisis of being in a similar universe to her own. It's tangentially relevant, and it's not really going anywhere to have her constantly hem and haw about whether to tell her friends what she knows.

>pouring over a lot of history books//

poring

>soy eggs//

We've seen Pinkie use eggs in baking, and Fluttershy's henhouse isn't necessary if she's not collecting the eggs. I don't know that you need to specify they aren't chicken eggs.

>and viola//

That's a musical instrument. You want "voila."

>words multiverse//

But that's only one word.

Man, and now half this chapter is going to be a lesson on timeline branching? Most readers already understand that, and even for those who don't, a far shorter explanation would do.

>infinitely many time//

Typo.

>gives rise to infinitely many and always increasing amount of Crystal Faires//

Missing a word, and "amount" is for collective quantities. You want "number."

>now blank canvas//

now-blank

>now empty teapot//

now-empty

The story's definitely improved, to the point I read everything you've published so far. It does deliver on the interesting plot, but it really gets bogged down in chapters 7 and 8 when nothing much of note happens, and we get a pretty self-explanatory science lesson where there are only a few pertinent details.

It still gets pretty blunt with just naming character emotions instead of demonstrating them at times. And I pointed out lots of places where it was vague or repetitive, but nowhere near all of them. The repetition was the biggest problem I saw on the mechanical side.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2815

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>She sat down upon her hind legs, wrapping her front ones around herself for warmth; teeth chattering as she rubbed herself in a vigorous attempt to keep out the cold.//

The semicolon isn't used right, as what comes after it couldn't stand as a complete sentence.

>“Add f-f-f-freezing to freak-ky f-f-forest,” she stuttered.//

The stuttering's already obvious from the punctuation. Narrating it as well is redundant.

>Apple Bloom began shivering again, though not from the cold. She didn’t want to admit it, but her fear might actually be true; she really was all alone. That was the last thing she wanted to believe. Her only choice was to keep trying in hope that somepony she knew might also be in the dark, scary woods with her, where the tree branches hung overhead like dragon claws.//

Two things to say here: First, you've used a fair number of these "start" and "begin" actions already. Use them very sparingly. It's self-explanatory that any given action will begin, so it's only worth pointing out the beginning if it's significant in some way, like it's abrupt or the action never finishes. And second, look how many "to be" verbs you have in this paragraph. There are five of them. They're inherently boring verbs, as nothing happens. It keeps things more interesting if you can use active verb choices.

>YA’//

Why do you have an apostrophe here? You're not cutting off any of the word.

>HEL— Ow!//

Don't put any spaces around an em dash.

>If it wasn’t a dream, then how did she get here in the first place?//

For the most part, your narrator sounds omniscient, but you occasionally lapse into having it sound limited. Asking questions is one way, since this is essentially the narrator voicing Apple Bloom's thoughts for her. But if you do want a limited narrator, there are a few problems. One is that you take this conversational tone so rarely that the whole thing sounds omniscient anyway. Another is that you use descriptors for her like "the filly," which she'd never use to refer to herself, so it doesn't fit a limited narrator. It's probably easier to remove the few traces of limited narration, but it's definitely harder to write omniscient than most people think it is.

>W...Wh..Wha..//

You really have a lot of stuttering in the chapter, and it's getting to be a bit much. And unless it's a word that needs to be capitalized anyway, only capitalize the first instance of it in a stutter. And those two-dot ellipses need another dot.

>she trembled//

That's a really odd choice of speech tag. How do you tremble a sentence? It's not even a transitive verb.

>Her ears frantically twisted and turned, trying to identify where the noise was precisely coming from//

This is pretty much exactly what you said in the first sentence of this paragraph.

>looking around with wide, terrified eyes//

She just looked around in the last paragraph.

>ripping the bow of her mane//

While that's potentially valid, I still think there's a typo making it mean something other than intended.

>as soon as it had came//

come

>staring around into the darkest parts of the woods//

So she's looking around again? It's getting repetitive, and it's incredibly vague each time. Give me some specifics so that it's different each time.

>J-Just//

Only capitalize the first.

>If Applejack had been there, she would have been so proud of how brave her little sister looked right then.//

Another spot where the narration changes to feeling limited.

>this….//

One dot too many. A four-dot ellipsis is for excerpts from source material in formal writing.

>the small filly//

You're having the narrator take Apple Bloom's voice, so why would you have her refer to herself like this?

>once quiet woods//

once-quiet

>Her mouth was dry after that last scream she tried desperately to catch her breath as she ran.//

Something got messed up there.

>Why was this happening to her.//

That's a question, isn't it?

>drawn out yawn//

drawn-out

Really? She's being pursued by an ominous figure in a scary place, and she's going to sleep?

>away..//

Extraneous period.

There are far better ways to indicate something's a dream that italics. They're fine for short passages, but you don't want to use them for extended ones, much less entire scenes. They get irritating to read, for one thing, and for another, they add emphasis, but when everything's emphasized, effectively nothing is.

>made her stomach grumbled//

Typo.

>hope beaming from her eyes//

This is her experience of the dream. How can she see her own eyes to make this assessment?

>all too familiar voice//

all-too-familiar

>Applebloom//

Typo.

>Applejack looked down, rather baffled by Apple Bloom’s frantic state//

This paragraph feels like it's from Applejack's perspective, but it's Apple Bloom's dream.

>Landshakes//

Land sakes

>ya’//

You're doing that unnecessary apostrophe again. You'll have to scan for these.

>back.“Don’t ya worry little sis.//

Missing space, missing comma for direct address.

>Her heart skipped, and she suddenly stumbled, her hooves flailing as she collapsed onto the forest floor. She lay on her back, panic rising as she tried to roll over and up again, but she couldn’t move a muscle. Her eyes were heavy as she looked up at the black sky and wished she could feel the sun’s rays one last time.//

Watch that you don't fall into a rut with repetitive sentence structures like this. You have three in a row with "as" clauses, and the first two both have an absolute phrase on the end of the main clause. Then you have a bunch more "as" clauses in the next paragraph.

You have a disconnect, considering you're using a limited narrator for Apple Bloom. The narration essentially represents her thoughts as well, but when you have quoted thoughts, you write out her accent, yet the narrative doesn't. They're basically the same thing, so why treat them differently? It's also a good reason to avoid writing an accent too much: if you actually did put it in the narration, it'd be really annoying to read that much of it. To her, she doesn't have an accent, after all. It's better to leave the accent up to the reader to imagine. It's more about word choice and phrasing to get the character voice right.

>the little filly that had been lying there moments before had vanished//

Yeah, your perspective's jumping around. You started the scene with Apple Bloom, but then you switched over to this shadow.

>Do not fear little one.//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>all too familiar voice//

Same hyphenation as before. And maybe it's not such a good idea to use the same phrasing.

>But I assure you//

>Apple Bloom started to feel a little reassured//
Kind of repetitive and self-explanatory.

>Indeed, Apple Bloom was right.//

And now you're jumping over to Luna's perspective. Check out the section on head hopping at the top of this thread.

>wait while I’ll contend with this shadow creature//

That verb tense of "I'll" doesn't quite work.

>tha’//

You're definitely overwriting her accent. How would this even sound any different from the right spelling?

>the Shadow//

>the shadow//
You're inconsistent at capitalizing that.

>it’s golden eyes shining with rage//

Its/it's confusion.

>The Shadow slithered across the ground..

You just had it slither a few paragraphs ago. That's an unusual enough word that it stands out when repeated too soon.

>thou’ thinks thee//

I have no idea why an apostrophe would be there, and if you want to use archaic language, please research how to use it right.

>dared not to risk//

The "to" is implied in that type of phrasing. You don't need it there.

>There it was again, Apple Bloom eyes darted around//

Comma splice, missing possessive.

>Tis’//

The apostrophe is on the wrong end of that word.

>This is not a dream at all//

How would Luna not know this? I mean, in "Princess Twilight," she was the one telling Celestia what was or wasn't a dream.

>pegasi control//

Noun adjuncts are singular.

>“Indeed,” Celestia nodded, “I believe//

You're using a non-speaking action as a speech tag.

>Apple Bloom insisted//

Missing end punctuation.

>all too familiar sound//

You really like that phrase.

>messed up covers//

messed-up covers

>Rise and shine everypony!//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>she wondered aloud//

Missing end punctuation.

>Apple Bloom let out a giggle, “Oh well//

Non-speaking action used as a speech tag.

Well, you've tagged this comedy, but there's not a hint of it to be found so far. So I can't evaluate how well it does with the humor.

There are a few pervasive mechanical problems, but the most consistent thing is the perspective. You wander back and forth between sounding omniscient (particularly in the prologue) and limited (in chapter 1), but even when you use limited more consistently, you hop around to different characters abruptly and often. It's not a good idea to jerk the reader around like that.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2816

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>looked about, but in the gloom of her room, nothing looked//

Watch the close word repetition.

>The pegasus's soft words were cut off//

You're using a limited narrator for her, so the narration is essentially her own thoughts. Why would she refer to herself as "the pegasus"? People just don't think of themselves in such external terms. And you used an ellipsis to end her speech. If she's getting cut off, use a dash.

>small basket beside her bed that contained a small//

Watch the word repetition again.

>her soft tone succeed//

Typo.

>the cyan pegasus//

This is someone she knows well. You don't think of your best friends in such abstract terms, do you?

>That idea didn't really help, however, in fact, it mane her limbs become even more rigid as she shivered.//

That second comma is a splice, and you have a typo.

>hoof step//

That'd be one word, like "footstep."

>too much to bare//

bear

>Darkness covered most of the scene the only light was that of the moon streaming in through the window.//

Run-on sentence.

>an another//

Extraneous word.

>then pause//

Typo.

>silted//

Typo.

>"Wait!" A small voice called//

Capitalization.

>the pegasus's//

Another oddly external reference for her to use about herself.

>it was not only herself seemed to feel terrified//

Phrasing is off.

>A filly that//

For sentient creatures, you'll normally use "who" instead of "that."

>thing sin//

Typo.

>this pony who's house she's invaded//

Whose. And why are you using present tense?

>the yellow pegasus//

Another odd reference. You'll need to scan for these. I'm not going to keep marking them.

>freighted//

Typo.

You sure have characters scoping out escape routes through the windows a lot.

>against all of her better judgments//

This seems to have shifted to the batpony's perspective. There's no way Fluttershy could know this.

>cautiously shuffled forwards//

Phrasing is off.

>If there was one thing Fluttershy knew how to do; it was how to calm something down when they were frightened.//

That semicolon should be a comma.

>Pleased to meet you Moonlight.//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>her attention seeming lost elsewhere//

You've been using "seem" a whole lot lately. It's getting repetitive.

>Fluttershy's expression turned to slight concern//

Keep the perspective in mind. How can Fluttershy see her own face to note this?

>'She must really be hungry?'//

Why is that a question? It's not really phrased like one.

>belive//

Typo.

>Manticore//

Why is that capitalized?

>faces hoofed//

Typo.

>I got lost one time and, well I've been all alone ever since//

That's a really strange explanation. Nobody's gone looking for her? They're not that close to the mountains, so she wandered far away. Wouldn't she stick around the mountains if she wanted to be found? She also makes it sound like it's been quite some time since she got lost. We never get an explanation of any of this.

>Moments ago, she'd been wary of no more than a simple hoof step, maybe getting too close was not the best idea right now.//

Comma splice.

>Sill//

>Ponyvill//
Typos.

>Oh'//

What's that apostrophe for?

>Nothing in the pegasus's honest expression suggested as much, however.//

You've slipped over to Moonlight's perspective.

>Theses//

Typo.

>every other pony//

Missing end punctuation.

>the presence of the apple where insulting to her guest//

Typo.

>hoofs//

hooves

>wondering around out there alone//

Typo.

>if you wanted to." Fluttershy offered//

Punctuation.

>hiding the fact that she suspected Moonlight may have come back to steal food tomorrow night either way//

That's over-explaining things. This is where a limited narrator comes in useful. Just have the narrator express that thought instead of saying the Fluttershy hides it. The fact she doesn't say it out loud already tells me that.

>Yet, it was far from the monstrous assertiveness she'd once harbored.//

No reason to have that comma.

>reached right past it hug hugged the pegasus's forelegs tightly//

Phrasing is off.

>you." She assured her//

>common." She finally admitted//
Capitalization/punctuation.

This is really strange that Fluttershy never asks about her family. Nobody's looking for Moonlight? That never occurs to Fluttershy? She just assumes a lost child will be forgotten and written off. And Moonlight never expresses anything about her family either. Maybe that's telling, that batponies just operate that way, but Fluttershy couldn't assume that to be the case. It just feels like a huge chunk of the thought process here is missing.

Aside from that, there are still lots of typos and mechanical things here, and numerous slips in the perspective.

Anonymous 2823

Ayy, cheers for the details feedback. I'm the guy behind >>2814. This is actually immensely helpful, and I'm glad that you took the time to do this. People who are willing to dig this deep are too rare and, obviously, you can't improve if no one says anything. I'm working through all the line items that you did bring up and then I'm going to take care of those broader mechanical problems.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2824

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

A word about your synopsis: it basically tells me nothing. Twilight's very close with her friends, but an old threat will require their intervention. This could describe tens of thousands of stories on FiMFicition. What's different about yours? What's going to grab a reader's interest and make them choose yours over all the rest? You're not giving them much to work with.

Since the author's note in chapter 1 is nothing the reader needs to understand the story, it'd be a much better idea to put it at the end of the chapter. You don't want the first thing the reader sees once he's decided to read it is something that isn't the story.

>Celestia’s sun//

And then the very first phrase of the story is something incredibly cliched. Every other story on FiMFiction calls them "Celestia's sun" and "Luna's moon." It doesn't set a good opening tone for the story's originality. For that matter, this is what we call a "weather report opening." Unless the weather will soon be pertinent to the action, it's irrelevant and boring. It tells the reader you don't have anything more interesting to say.

>pony-tongue//

I don't get why she needs to specify "pony" here. What difference does it make?

>B.B.B.F.F..//

You don't need an additional period after the abbreviation.

>Perhaps shorten it the acronym//

Extraneous word.

Another thing. Your first paragraph has 7 "to be" verbs. The next has 2, then 2, then 3, and so on. Those aren't terrible in isolation, but stacked all together? "To be" is a very boring verb, as nothing happens. It brings the story's action to a halt, and you don't want it feeling stagnant right from the beginning. It's not hard to rephrase a lot of these things with active verbs.

>the traditional earth pony town of Ponyville//

You haven't billed this as an AU. While Ponyville was founded by earth ponies, the big selling point for it with the Equestria Games committee was that all three kinds of ponies coexist well there. They do some things by earth pony tradition, like Winter Wrap Up, but I wouldn't call it a traditional earth pony town.

>Lyra however, was very much in favor of something more modern.//

If you're going to use that comma, you need to pair it with one before the word as well.

>Twilight didn’t really care for the term Throne Room to describe her place of study either//

But she doesn't really use that as a study room. She does have a library in the castle.

>S.O.S..//

Extraneous period.

>doubletake//

double-take

>stretched her neck to the side and grimaced, stretching//

Watch the close word repetition like that.

>she had lost track of the time and Spike, bless his heart, had fallen asleep//

>She extinguished her everburning candle, and opened her wings wide//
You have the comma usage backward here. In the first, both subjects get their own verb so they're separate clauses and need a comma. In the second, the same subject gets both verbs, so don't use one. There's a guide to "comma use with conjunctions" at the top of this thread, and I'll just leave it at tat instead of marking any more.

>the drake’s//

You're using a limited narrator here, essentially Twilight's inner thoughts, so why would she choose to refer to Spike with such an impersonal term?

>She turned in horror, to find her fear had been realized//

There's no reason to have that comma.

>Spike had sneezed and singed off more than half of her beautiful tail.//

Well, there are kind of two things here. One, it's obvious what's happened, so the drawn-out explanation feels kind of condescending. And two, having it that drawn-out implies that Twilight stands there with her tail burning, thinking through all this before she does anything about it. That undermines that it would be a reflex, panicked action.

>Her tail was gone and she was balancing chemical reactions?!//

Why does she need to balance them? Doesn't she already know what the reactions are? Or has she never considered them before? Seems like she would, living with a fire-breathing dragon.

>you walking fire hazard!//

She's being awfully insensitive about this. It's not like he can help it, and she already spoke to this being an ongoing problem, so she should already know to give him a wide berth.

>She glanced away quickly with her cheeks coloring//

Consider again the perspective. How does she know her cheeks are coloring? She can't see them. She might conclude it from the feeling of warmth, but even then, the more pertinent conclusion is that she's blushing.

>36//

>24//
Write out numbers that short.

>Spike knew that when Twilight started to go off on one of her rants, it was sometimes best to not add fuel to the fire.//

Why are you hopping over to Spike's perspective now? It's not impossible to, but i don't see what it adds, plus this was a very abrupt transition. It's usually better to just stick with one character per scene.

>After a moment’s stare, one of her eyebrows suddenly rose.//

You just told me something else "suddenly" happened in the previous sentence. This is a word that should be used sparingly anyway. If you write it well, it will inherently feel sudden. Having to say so is like assuring the reader that a joke is funny.

>Spike suddenly widened//

How does he do that? Is he puffing up with air or something? I don't understand.

>gonna…” Spike trailed off//

The ellipsis already means he's trailing off, so you don't have to narrate it as well. The same thing goes for indicating interruptions with dashes.

>sure - I’d//

Please use proper dashes for asides and cutoffs, not hyphens.

>creepy; um, PRETTY… yeah, pretty forest//

For a semicolon to be used properly, you should be able to split the sentence there and have both parts stand as complete.

>Suddenly, his demeanor changed//

And there's that word again.

>What… message?//

When a word is italicized for emphasis, it's preferred to include a question mark or exclamation mark on it in the italics.

>Beside, she couldn't let their tea get cold!//

Besides

>11//

Write it out.

>nodding her head in excitement//

Just a paragraph ago, you had:
>Melon Seed’s wings trembled with excitement//
Beyond just being repetitive, this "in/with/of emotion" phrasing is one you should avoid anyway. It's more engaging to demonstrate the emotion that name it, and with these phrasings in particular, there's almost always a demonstration of it already present that makes the phrase redundant.

>On a perpendicular line of thought, are these cinnamon buns the only thing the Princesses are having?! Where are all of the other servers with enormous platters and feasts piled high, ready to impress, and fit for royalty?//

The only reason to use present tense there is if you want it to be a direct quoted thought. If so, then italicize it.

>eventually found herself pouring the tea//

This implies she's oblivious to how she got there, but she isn't.

>light from the window lit//

So the light lit? Anyway, this is another paragraphs awash in "to be" verbs. You don't have any until the second half of it, and then five instances of "was" pop up in only four sentences.

>Melon Seed wings twitched with excitement//

Missing possessive, and that's pretty much the exact phrase you started the scene with.

>Why sister//

When used as a term of address, family relations get capitalized.

>However, It//

Extraneous capitalization.

>protégé//

Twilight's female, so protégée.

>soaking to bottom//

Typo.

>After moment//

Missing word.

>Celestia sighed, and looked over her left shoulder to the new serving mare, the one with a melon slice for a cutie mark.//

And now you've skipped over to Celestia's perspective, where the whole scene had been in Melon's. I don't see that the shift accomplishes anything. What do we learn with Celestia that we couldn't have with Melon? For that matter, when you use a limited narrator, you need to make sure it stays consistently limited, so when you go through Celestia and Luna's long exchange, check in every couple of paragraphs with one of Melon's observations about what's going on, or else the whole thing tends to lapse back into sounding like an omniscient narrator.

>Right away, princess!//

Titles also get capitalized when used as terms of address.

>and then used her magic to pour fresh tea into her cup. She then stood up//

Repetitive "then" phrasings. The perspective has a hitch in it here again, but it's something comedies get some leeway on. If you'd stayed in Melon's perspective for the whole scene, you couldn't have the bit at the end, since she leaves. So maybe it is okay to move to Celestia's perspective, but you need to do so smoothly. You start with Melon, then you go a long time sounding omniscient, then you go to Celestia. A smooth transition would make that omniscient part much shorter and more gradual.

>ship, Hecate,//

You don't really need those commas. An appositive can go without them in this kind of phrasing.

>The fact that she was judged as such came as no surprise//

You never say how they did so, which makes this have little gravity.

>That, and her mode of speech and dress seemed odd or archaic.//

This seems to be in more of a crowd perspective than in Tempest's. And without any new information, like examples of specific events, this paragraph just ends up repeating once or twice what the scene's first one already said.

>The Lunar Princess slowly stirred her tea//

It gets irritating to read extended passages in italics. Just make this a separate scene in regular font with a segue.

>shutting them closed//

What else would shutting them do?

>the Lunar Guards that stood without//

When referring to sentient beings, it's preferred to use "who" instead of "that."

Okay, you already summarized what happens in this scene before we even got to it, so what's the point of reading it? It ends up being an important emotional moment, so I'd keep the scene and cut the summary that precedes it.

>the alicorn stood and drew near//

This is her mother. In your own thoughts, would you refer to your mother as "the lady"?

>child...continue//

Leave a space after an ellipsis.

>hoof steps//

That'd be one word, like "footsteps."

>the cloaked unicorn//

It's even more odd for her to refer to herself in such an external manner.

>thousand yard stare//

thousand-yard

>the look on Tempest’s face making her shudder as if touched by a sudden chill//

Seems to have shifted to Meadow Lark's perspective.

>hoping the other mare either didn’t catch on//

Sounds like you meant to put another option on there.

>She watched as the taller mare’s mood seemed to darken again.//

And this is definitely not in Tempest's perspective. You're jumping around too much, and I bet you don't even realize you're doing it.

>her brows furrowing in confusion//

You'll normally set off an absolute phrase with a comma. Otherwise, it makes it sound like she paused her brows. I had to reread it to parse it right.

>I hear that the Diarchy of olden times, is ruling in harmony again//

No reason to have that comma there.

>How in Equestria could she not know about…//

You keep skipping back and forth between their perspectives. It's jarring.

>Capital//

>the Library//
Why are those capitalized?

These two are using quite a bit of direct address in their conversation, unnaturally so. Consider how often you actually do in a real one-one-one talk. It's used to get someone's attention, disambiguate who's intended to hear it, or add emphasis, and that last one is the only reason it might be necessary here, but emphasis should be sparing, or it loses its effectiveness.

>gazing at the horizon//

You'll normally set off a participial phrase with a comma.

>but there was a sense that perhaps this little pony wanted more from the interaction and seemed disheartened about something//

Don't over-explain things. This was already apparent from her speech and behavior.

>“You sent half of my bucking tail… TO CELESTIA?!”//

Shouldn't she already know this is how it works?

>besides the point//

beside

>I suppose it’s possible. Wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility.//

He... said the same thing twice.

>She’s never done that as an alicorn before.//

You need to be careful managing the verb tenses and quoted thought versus thought as narration.

>"Don’t tell me to calm down! I. AM. CALM."//

Note how these quotation marks don't match what you use through most of the chapter. They should be consistent.

>Twilight growled and spun on her heel, stalking off to a cabinet near the window.//

Look how structurally repetitive this paragraph is. Three things authors of moderate experience tend to lean too heavily on are participial phrases, absolute phrases (another kind of participial element), and "as" clauses. They're nicely descriptive, but they don't turn up much in everyday conversation, so they stand out as unusual much more easily when used repeatedly. Moreover, authors tend to use them in the same few places in sentences, so it's not just the repetition of having them in the first place, but where they are. So by sentence, we have in this paragraph:
Main clause, participial phrase
Main clause, absolute phrase, participial phrase
Main clause, absolute phrase
Main clause, participial phrase
Main clause, "as" clause

I'll grab that last excerpt again. Note that all three of these structures mean that things happen at the same time. Yet Twilight doesn't stalk off until after she turns on her heel. Make sure when you use these structures that you don't synchronize things that shouldn't be.

>lavender alicorn//

Another reference that doesn't make sense for the perspective, but it's also a very cliched type. In fact, the practice was named after this one exactly! There's a brief discussion of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome at the top of this thread that will explain.

>punctuating her words by her hoofsteps//

Set off the participial phrase with a comma.

>one hundred and ten percent//

Someone as scientific as she is would know it's improper to put "and" in there.

I still don't get why Twilight is being so hard on Spike about this. It wasn't his fault, and she should have known better to steer clear of him.

>Centaur//

Why is that capitalized?

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2825

>>2824
>Perhaps she had gone too far//
You've jumped perspective again. There's a short discussion of head hopping at the top of this thread.

>Twilight brought a hoof to her face//

Missing a line break.

>Jour//

Not sure why that's capitalized.

>back to Spike and dropping her voice back//

Watch the close word repetition.

>gave a hearty chuckle and his guardian’s colorful imagination//

Typo.

>as she looked back at him, shaking her head as her ears folded back//

It's pretty clunky to have two "as" clauses in one sentence. In addition to the repetition, it muddles up the chronology, as it tries to synchronize lots of things.

>she certainly had a flare for the dramatic//

flair

>there was a mare that//

Use "who."

This is a really cumbersome passage where Dash evaluates all her friends. It's largely irrelevant, and it goes on awfully long. It's hard to keep a tangent interesting.

>air density//

Why would she bother with that? You have to be going a few hundred miles per hour before it's worth accounting for density variations.

>The Unicorn//

Why are you capitalizing "unicorn"?

>the pegasus//

Another strangely external reference.

>a truncated “Whoa-!”//

When you put "a" in front of a quote like that, it makes it generic and not an actual quote. Thus you don't need to lead into it with a comma, which you got correct, but you don't need to capitalize it either. And it's redundant to call it truncated when you're also using a dash.

>The populace of this city//

You just used "populace" a paragraph ago.

>protected and incentivized it’s citizens//

Its/it's confusion.

>She grit her teeth.//

The past tense is "gritted."

>The only plausible answer that Tempest could see, was that Luna had somehow been enthralled by some magical device or stratagem//

No reason to have that comma.

>the one pony that//

who

So after getting a long ramble from Dash, now there's a long ramble from Tempest. I don't get why she's heading to the library when she's already concluded she can't trust anything she finds there. And why doesn't it occur to her to see what the batponies have to say about any of it?

>it’s patterns and movements//

Its/it's confusion again. Possessive pronouns never have apostrophes, like hers, yours, and theirs.

>your highness//

Honorifics like this should be capitalized.

>humming to herself, while Twilight turned back to her breakfast groaning to herself//

Repetitive phrasing.

>Twilight lit up her own horn as she straightened the bathrobe she was wearing once again, cringing as she remembered entering the dining room only minutes ago.//

Two "as" clauses in a single sentence. And the previous one had another.

>the Castle’s//

Why is that capitalized?

>scrunched up muzzles//

scrunched-up muzzles

>Relieved that she successfully diverted attention away from her tail//

Don't over-explain things like this.

>If we don’t, win this time//

Why is that comma there?

>Without looking up, she chimed in//

>She rolled her eyes, doing air quotes with her hooves//
Missing punctuation.

>Spike sprayed tea out his nose with//

With what?

>Alicorn//

Not sure why you randomly capitalize races in some spots and not others.

>turned back to assistant//

Missing word.

>shouted “MAIL’S HERE!”//

That is a direct quote, so you need a comma.

>muttering, “and//

Capitalization.

Now we're back to the shipping plot. I hope there will be a point to it sometime. It's odd to pop over to a generic romance when there's no established connection to the main plot. Not that it can't work as a subplot, but there's no preamble to it. It's just suddenly dropped on us that Dash is in love with Rarity, but we just have to take the story's word for it. If you want this plot to be engaging (aside from the readers who like all shipping no matter what), it takes building it up to make the romance believable. What does Dash like about Rarity? What does she think each of them would give and take from a relationship? Aragon has a series of blog posts linked from his homepage that discuss how to build an authentic romance. They're worth reading.

>hangin//

Needs an apostrophe or another letter.

>I am happy to hear whatever it is you have to say; whatever it is you want to ask!//

Misused semicolon.

>Rarity’s brows knitted//

Unless you're talking about sewing, the more standard past tense is "knit."

>Her friend was obviously beating around the bush so hard, there wasn’t much of a bush left.//

Now you've abruptly switched to Rarity's perspective.

>Rares!” She insisted//

>YEAH!” She near-shouted//
Capitalization.

>Let me guess: A strapping and muscular earth pony?//

Only capitalize after a colon if it refers to multiple sentences.

>bringing her hooves together beneath her chin and fluttered her eyelashes//

The verb forms don't match.

>#1//

Spell it out.

>I suppose I’ll have to keep you in a moat or something//

Missing end punctuation.

>now sweating dragon//

now-sweating dragon

>avionics//

I have to think you meant aviation. This term refers to the electronics. In fact, it's a portmanteau of aviation electronics.

>longsuffering//

That's not one word.

>“Yeah, just like you followed the instructions and “burned the water” while trying your hoof at spaghetti, eh Twi?//

Missing your closing quotes, and when you have nested quotations, alternate double and single quotation marks with each nesting level.

>exclaiming, “that//

Capitalization.

>Why are you trying to get away from Rarity, did you just escape from a dress fitting that went terribly wrong?//

Comma splice.

So I'm 15k words into the story now, and a significant chunk of it is spent on Rainbow's love interest, Spike's growth, and Twilight's tail, none of which yet have any apparent relation to the story the synopsis promises. We only got one short scene of that in the entire second chapter. You can only string along readers for so long before they're going to want to know what relevance any of this has. I'll press on, but if I were reading this purely for pleasure, this is about the point I'd drop out.

>you see darling//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>free of charge!.//

Extraneous punctuation.

>Rarities left flank//

You have a plural where you need a possessive.

>Her eyes darted away, considering her response.//

This says her eyes considered her response.

>was the Elements of Harmony//

Number mismatch.

>now apparently now//

Repetition.

>Sister’s Castle//

Shouldn't that possessive be plural? And the canon name is Castle of the Two Sisters, unless you're saying that changed over time.

>upon the Lunar Princess upon//

Kind of repetitive.

>She the silent unicorn again//

Missing word.

>er sister, and now… her niece?

This is Tempest's reminiscence. Why is it taking on Celestia's perspective?

>Now, the geas had broken//

How'd that happen? Seems like an important even worth describing.

>hoof-written note she had received last night. It was hoof written//

Repetitive.

>stetson//

That's a proper noun.

>ear to ear smile//

ear-to-ear smile

>earthpony//

earth pony

>leaning her head in conspiratorially//

Set off the participial phrase with a comma.

>leaning her head in conspiratorially//

Capitalization.

>looking mare looked//

Repetitive.

>Corner-” she leaned back again in a normal voice “my//

Missing a dash.

>returned to her stage whisper//

Missing punctuation.

>Master of Ceremonies Mode//

I don't get why that's italicized.

So now there's yet another plot going on that has no apparent relation to any of the others? That brings the total to four. It's like reading four separate stories, not one story with multiple subplots.

Going into chapter 4 now. Well, chapter 3 part 2. But I'm going to cut back on what I note now, because I don't need to keep saying the same things over and over. If I've already noted something multiple times, assume you need to scan the whole story for it.

>Applejack stumbled backwards in surprise//

Missing a line break.

>Pinkies ears and mane//

Missing apostrophe.

>barrel.“Trust me!

Missing space.

>anypony that could fill that roll//

role

>butter yellow pegasus//

That's one of the most cliched descriptions in the fandom.

And for a chapter that promised to continue your fourth subplot, a fifth one has popped up. Honestly, this feels like an anthology of unrelated stories more so than a single coherent one.

>paying if forward//

Typo.

>‘body’” Discord muttered.//

Missing punctuation.

>I thought the bluebelles’ color added a nice compliment.//

Unless they have nice things to say, you want "complement."

>Feeling curious, Moonlight’s eyes//

This says that her eyes felt curious.

>Manehattan Times//

Magazine titles get italicized, too.

>reaching orangish red glow//

Missing word.

>Applebloom//

Apple Bloom

>don’t know my away//

Typo.

>chillies//

chilies

>she excitedly agreed represent//

Missing word.

>yelled “we//

>growling “how//
Punctuation/capitalization.

>shouting “FOOOOD//

Punctuation.

>to…” At this point, Rarity trailed off//

The ellipsis already tells me she trailed off.

>Spike’s jaw fell open, his arms quickly went slack by his sides.//

Comma splice.

>Leeeeeroooyy Jennnkinnns//

Meme humor is a good way to make sure your story doesn't age well. And this is already a very old joke.

>exclaiming “Thank//

Punctuation.

>pegusi// (you get this one wrong several times)

>theim//
Typo.

>The greatest loss however was that of Cloudchaser, and she had steadily been losing to Team Pink’s air superiority ever since.//

It's been so long since you mentioned Granny, and a lot of other females have come up, that it's very ambiguous who "she" is here.

>ordinance//

This is a type of law. You want "ordnance."

>cause//

Missing an apostrophe, when it's short for "because."

>a “Ooh-Rah!”//

an

>Staff sergeant Octavia//

>colonel Smith//
When put on a name or used as a term of address, ranks get capitalized.

>I won’t let you down, Ma’am.//

"Ma'a," wouldn't be capitalized.

>General Rarity//

She just showed up and hadn't been a party to the action. How is Granny Smith already identifying her as a general. particularly when she only has 2 followers?

>lil//

li'l

>protégé//

Scootaloo's female, so protégée.

>in-between//

No reason to hyphenate that.

>tremorous//

tremulous

So it should be obvious what mechanical and stylistic things need work. Basically anything I had to point out repeatedly, and again, I just marked some examples, not every instance, so there are still plenty for you to find. The biggest ones were repetition and how the perspective constantly wavers. Changing perspective over scene breaks is fine, but shifting it within a scene takes some finesse to accomplish. You don't want to jerk the reader around to various characters' heads, and while within a perspective pay attention to whether the narration fits how that character would say or perceive something.

But the overall issue, like I said earlier, is that this feels like a collection of unrelated stories instead of anything coherent. There are some weak ties, like how Rarity and Rainbow Dash strode into the food fight after coming in from their shipping plot, but the shipping has no bearing on the food fight, so there's no tie-in; what happens in the dating plot doesn't matter to what happens in the food fight. Furthermore, the story only advertises that it's going to be about this Tempest adventure plot, but so far, we see precious little of it. It's only been a small part of any chapter, and seemingly diminishes more with each successive one. I think I saw only one scene of her in every chapter, and in the last few, they were very short scenes. Nothing of consequence has happened in any of them, and at 33k words in, you're stringing the reader on an awful lot with the hope that all these subplots are going to start influencing each other, and that Tempest's plot will start going somewhere.

Each of the subplots is fine on its own and could make for a cute story. They're not badly written either. But in the assembly, they don't make a whole, at least not that's evident so far, and it's a lot to ask a reader to hang on for that. I usually don't pay any attention to a story's voting ratio or number of views, since they can be misleading about quality, but they can be illustrative at times. And you have a huge drop-off in views at chapter 4. I think this is why. It's not clear the story is going anywhere. A drop-off is normal, but most quality stories retain about 1/3-1/2 of readers through the final chapter, but you're already down to 1/2 by chapter 3 and 1/4 by chapter 5. It's not that we care how many views a story will get, and there can be good reasons why quality stories wouldn't get many, but I think they're telling you something in this case.

reply to feedback 2826

>>2824
Thank you for your detailed input. I relish feedback like this, because I want to get it right, and improve. I will fix the perspective changes, and I will give Tempest a more balanced follow and conflict in the early going. The subplots have their uses, but I see your point. I am heading out on a cruise to Alaska tomorrow, and in my downtime, will peck away at these fixes. I guess I will flag you when I am done, unless there is a better way to notify that it is ready for review again... Thanks, mate!

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2839

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

I assume your synopsis is supposed to be formatted as multiple paragraphs, but you don't have indentations or line breaks between any of them.

Right away, you have a stagnant feel to your story. This is why: Over your first eight paragraphs, which is how much of the beginning fits on one screen for me, you have 7 instances of "was" and 2 each of "be" and "being." So, 11 "to be" verbs in 8 paragraphs. This is a very boring verb, as nothing happens. It's very possible to rephrase a lot of that with active verbs. You don't have to get rid of them altogether, but reduce them where you can, especially at the beginning, where you want to create a feeling of action. For instance, what does it harm to rephrase "being able to help ponies who needed assistance" as "helping ponies who needed assistance"?

>Wha made Celestia sick//

Typo.

>A tiny smile curled Celestia's lips and she sat up in her bed//

Most times, you'll use a comma with a conjunction when it separates clauses (where each subject gets its own verb: smile curled, and she sat). Conversely, you normally won't use a comma when it's one subject performing both verbs or two subjects performing the same verb.

>if her loyal subjects saw their princess taking a day off they would naturally feel justified in doing the same//

And along those lines, you need a comma in there.

>When her sister Luna was young, she used to try to shirk her duties//

It's not clear which of them "she" refers to here.

>... And//

Don't leave a space after an ellipsis when it starts a sentence.

>Luna would come to her bedchambers to check on her and she could pretend to be sick//

Needs a comma. I trust you get the picture on this by now. I'm not going to keep marking them.

>(long story)//

This is really intrusive, and I'll tell you why. It implies that she's actively telling the story to an audience, yet you haven't defined any such audience. Until now, it was the standard type of narration that doesn't address anyone in particular, but this makes the narration very self-aware that it's talking to the reader. Coupled with the limited narration you're using, that means Celestia is aware she has a reader (or listener), yet we don't know who that is or what her motivation is to tell them. It's the kind of thing that belongs in a frame story, like if you'd started by having her invite the reader (or some other explicit audience) to sit down and listen to her tale, but it doesn't belong in a standard narration.

>The alicorn//

We term these types of references Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, or LUS, and they have their uses, but you have to think about whether they're appropriate. Because of the limited narrator you're using, the narration is Celestia's stream of thought. So you have Celestia choosing to refer to her own sister as "the alicorn." Besides being vague as to which one of them this means, it's just not something people do. Would you refer to your father in your own thoughts as "the human"? It just doesn't work. People refer to others they know mostly by name or pronoun, but the two kinds of LUS that work in limited narration are 1) when the perspective character doesn't know who it is, so such a descriptor is the only option they have for a reference, or 2) a descriptor that defines their relationship, since people do think in terms of those. So something like "her sister" can work for these characters (except that you immediately use that one next in the sentence, so don't repeat it that close together).

>Celestia had to suppress a sort of laughter.//

I assume you meant snort.

>fine - she//

Please use a proper dash for cutoffs and asides. There's a guide to them at the top of this thread. There are also brief guides for LUS and comma usage with conjunctions, since I already touched on those topics. There's one in the synopsis as well.

>since she'd carried out her clever plan, and since//

Watch the repetitive word use.

>Celestia stamped her hoof//

You just had a guard do that a few paragraphs ago.

>she hadn't been asked to come and settle a single petty dispute all day//

I don't follow. Luna would only bother her if she felt she wasn't up to the task. That doesn't mean she actually is up to the task, so the fact that nobody's interrupted her doesn't guarantee Luna's doing a good job.

>Perfect for organizing.//

She already concluded this:
>This place really needs some organization.//

>she suddenly realized how untidy it was.//

And now she's going over this a third time?

>Her books were strewn all over the floor, her kitchen walls were splotched with stains and streaks of unidentifiable substances, and her desk was covered with heaps of disorganized papers.//

I don't see what the passive voice accomplishes here, and it's costing you "to be" verbs. Say you wrote "Her books lay scattered all over the floor" for the first part and used similarly active phrasing for the rest. It has a lot more energy that way.

>She felt appalled that she had existed in these conditions for so long without even noticing.//

You've been pretty good about this so far, but it's bland to just say she's feeling a strong emotion. The limited narration should give me direct access to her thoughts on it, not just in the word choice, but the tone. Write it as something she might say out loud. Something like: "How could she have existed in these conditions for so long?"

>So her next activity was to be organizing, then.//

And a fourth time. It's like you're desperately afraid the reader won't pick up on this.

>sitting neatly in the very back of the drawer, sat//

Repetitive choice of verbs there.

>Rainbow Dash.//

About time we got to this. You've spent nearly a quarter of the story on a plotline that's pretty irrelevant and not at all indicated by the synopsis. If you cut everything up to now and simply replaced it with "Celestia was looking to de-clutter her room," what would really be lost? We'll see if the sickness element ends up being important, but I'm guessing it won't.

>Oh, she hadn't thought about these for a long, long time...//

Based on the synopsis, she got the last one less than a year ago, which isn't exactly a long, long time.

Now that you're having Celestia go through an exhaustive description of Rainbow Dash, you're getting really heavy on the "to be " verbs again.

>but also to be able to understand the more contradictory aspects of her personality//

Why is Dash the only one she asked? Celestia found them all intriguing, and I'd argue Rarity is the character who has the most self-contradictory traits. You have kind of a thin excuse for choosing Dash, except that it's necessary for the plot. Delve into what catches Celestia's interest.

>Okay, ummmmmm...//

Keep in mind this is something she's written, not spoken. Yet you have a distinctly speech-related affectation here. Actually inscribing three dots on the page is a far more deliberate thing than trailing off while speaking. You don't really see it in formal letters, just ones where someone's trying to be cutesy.

>(but I'm not going to make a habit of it!)//

Because the exclamation mark is inside the parentheses, you never really gave the sentence end punctuation. So stick a period or something after this.

>crinkles engrained in the paper//

How did they ever get crinkled? Didn't she fold them back up before storing them? Or did she just unceremoniously jam them in the drawer?

>next letter//

>next few letters//
Kind of repetitive.

>Dear Princess//

Needs a comma or colon, and why didn't Dash have a closing on this letter?

>Oh, horsefeathers. I forgot. Sorry.//

Here's another affectation that doesn't work with letters. Keep in mind what I said about the ellipsis before. If Dash feels like she messed this up, then why not get a clean sheet of paper and start over? The fact that she sent these errors means she wanted Celstia to see them, or at least didn't mind if she saw. It certainly doesn't feel like a foot-in-the-mouth thing where she has to hastily correct herself and hope Celestia doesn't care or notice. What works for spoken dialogue doesn't necessarily work for articles of writing, and you're losing the sense of authenticity these letters have when you do something that real letter-writers wouldn't.

>She's my best friend.//

I'd kind of like to see more justification of this. She's known Fluttershy the longest, and she hangs out with Pinkie a lot, too. I don't know that there's clear canon evidence these two are best friends. Not that you can't come up with a case for it, but you haven't done so. You just want me to take your word for it. Building up a past for them is similar to building up a romance (which, incidentally, you're also trying to do). Maybe you'll do this later on, but I'll go ahead and say that one of the best ways to do this, short of taking me through flashback scenes, is to work by anecdote. Have her give me a few one- or two-sentence blurbs about good times they've had together.

>Next, she'd felt... pride.//

Just naming her emotions isn't going to be very engaging. You want the reader feeling them along with her, so it's better to demonstrate them. Give me imagery of how they make her feel, physical sensations, evocative word choice and phrasing.

>already knowing what it said but eager to read it again anyway; to share once more in the happiness of her most loyal subject.//

You should be able to replace a semicolon with a period and have both sentences stand as complete, but what comes after it here couldn't. A comma or dash would work fine.

>you...and//

Leave a space after the ellipsis.

>She kissed me.//

This is very cliched, that once a secret crush is revealed, it is immediately reciprocated.

>Earth Pony//

Why'd you capitalize that? You didn't with "pegasus."

>All of a sudden//

Really consider whether it's necessary to say something is sudden. If you write it well, it'll come across as sudden anyway. Assuring the reader it is sudden is like promising a joke is funny. If you have to say so, it probably isn't.

>Luna smiled to herself; Tia was such a horrible faker.//

You've skipped over to Luna's perspective for a single sentence. I wouldn't advise shifting it anyway, but if it's necessary, then it's certainly worth staying there longer. There's a section on head hopping at the top of this thread that explains why it's a bad idea to jerk the perspective around abruptly. You go back and forth every paragraph or two around here.

>She just wanted to get back to reading those letters!//

Why can't she read letters while feeling ill? I don't see why they're mutually exclusive. She can still act sick while reading them. It's not like that's going to make Luna any more or less suspicious.

>All thoughts of organizing had long been forgotten.//

Remember your limited narration. Celestia essentially is the narrator. If she's forgotten, then so has the narrator. And if the narrator's forgotten, he can't know this to say it.

>Well, I did it. I asked Applejack out on a date.//

After admitting her love and kissing (and possibly more), asking her on a date is really a source of stress? That's tough to buy. Why would Applejack possibly turn her down at this point?

>Applejack can't fly//

She's been up there before, though. There are ways.

>As soon as I got to her house, it started to rain.//

She's on the weather crew. How would she not know this was scheduled? It's not hard to come up with a reason why, but you don't even attempt one, which begs the question.

>suspiciously//

I don't know what perspective this is, since Celestia wouldn't think this, but nobody else is there.

>(what? Princesses like to see their subjects get their happy endings)//

Once again, you're implying an audience you've never defined and that the narrative doesn't support.

>I'd only be allowed to go back to Ponyville for a few days a year. I'd never see Fluttershy, or Twilight, or Pinkie Pie, or Rarity.//

I'm assuming you wrote this before "Top Bolt" came out. That, or you're just ignoring it. It's also a cliched thing to do this "leaving town means never seeing any of her friends ever again." The Wonderbolts seem to have plenty of time for other pursuits, and Cloudsdale isn't that far from Ponyville anyway.

>how she'd adopted Scootaloo as her little sister//

If she's adopted, wouldn't that make her a daughter? That'd be the legal relationship.

>Earth pony and Pegasus//

You're inconsistent at how you capitalize races, and particularly for "earth pony," if you only capitalize the "earth," it makes it refer to our planet.

>leather//

As in the tanned skin of dead sentient cows?

>This was actually due to an Earth pony custom//

Keep in mind Celestia's supposed to be reminiscing here. Isn't this the kind of thing she would have already known? It sounds like you're explaining it for the reader's benefit, not Celestia's.

>Once you put them on, you were never supposed to take them off unless you absolutely had to//

Kind of obtrusively addressing the reader here.

>Pegasi had a similar custom: They presented their partner with a single one of their wing feathers, which were then pressed onto a wedding band just like the Earth ponies'.//

Only capitalize after a colon if it refers to multiple sentences.

>Sadly, Applejack didn't have wings//

That comes across as a value judgment that Applejack is somehow inferior.

>partially because there hadn't actually been a wedding between an Earth pony and a pegasus in centuries//

This really doesn't seem to be supported by canon either. It wasn't seen as shocking when Big Mac revealed his crush on Sugar Belle, a unicorn. The Cakes have both unicorns and pegasi in their family tree no more than a couple generations back. There really isn't that much romance to draw on from the show, but what's there doesn't suggest this, nor is it required for your plot to work. YMMV, and I won't make you change it, but it does seem odd, like it's adding pointless tension that doesn't lead anywhere.

>Applebloom//

Apple Bloom

Okay, I get why you're telling this whole wedding scene as an after-the-fact summary. Celestia's there reminiscing, and we get her memory of it. There's no dialogue, because Celestia wouldn't be able to remember it word for word well enough to present it as such. Too many authors don't get that. But a lot of the story's emotional context comes from this wedding scene, and it's emotionally detached when we get it all as narration, with nothing of it occurring "live," as you have it here. Plus it gets a little obtrusive how much you have to use past perfect tense. I think this would carry much more power as a flashback scene, where we'd be transported to the past and see it as it happens, complete with scenery, action, and dialogue.

>Shortly after the wrestling match the sun had set//

And Celestia's not going to remark on being the one to do it? You make it sound like it happened on its own.

>squeal of enthusiasm and a fervent embrace. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had danced together, bouncing up and down and squealing//

Watch that close repetition.

>Applejack herself had been called to play the fiddle//

Again, this is something I won't make you change, since there's no harm in adding to her repertoire, but in the show, she's seen playing a banjo and an acoustic guitar. It might mesh better if you used one of those.

>She has not heard one word from Rainbow Dash since then//

Why'd you switch to present tense?

>now she would never know//

This isn't true.

And of course right as Celestia is sad she hasn't received a letter in a year, another one comes in an act of utter plot convenience. There's an old principle of writing: it's fine to have a coincidence get you into trouble, but it's weak to have a coincidence get you out of trouble. Or to word it another way, coincidence is fine for causing problems but poor for resolving them.

>So that was why Rainbow Dash hadn't written in so long.//

Huh? I don't get it. Rainbow couldn't write anytime during the pregnancy? Why not? It's not like Celestia never makes it to Ponyville or sees the Elements. She would have noticed. There's no justification for why Celestia would just now be learning of this. Heck, this is very explicitly the question the synopsis asks, and we don't get a satisfactory answer.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2840

>>2839
So, I will say that the writing wasn't bad, and the premise is cute. I don't mind indulging in a guilty pleasure and enjoying a fluffy romance. That said, it should be clear what the bigger problems were, but I'll sum them up.

The wedding scene is what really carries the emotional weight. Receiving the letter at the end is more the climax, but the wedding is what invests that one with it power, but it's hard to have a scene be emotionally engaging when we're getting a recap of it instead of the play-by-play account. I think a flashback would work better, and if you're concerned that having just the one flashback will make it feel out of place (for that matter, I don't think it would), you can put in a couple of short ones about Dash's interactions with Celestia. More on this in a moment.

You do a good job of demonstrating emotion instead of informing of it, at least when the stakes are low, but when emotions run high, you tend to tell me directly how characters feel. The purpose of the story is to make the reader feel like he's a witness to these events, and knowing that Celestia was sad is a conclusion, one that the reader can reach through proper evidence of it, and doing it that way feels more like real life. You have to interpret cues from other people's behavior to deduce how they feel most of the time, so doing it that way in writing as well can be more realistic.

I'm not going to rehash the specific events, but just note places where I felt things didn't mesh with the show very well. It'd help to make them conform better or do something to explain why they're different.

The subplot about Celestia feigning illness never goes anywhere, yet it takes up a significant portion of the beginning of the story. That's a lot of wasted verbiage, and the reader may well wonder if he's in the correct story, as it's not even hinted at in the synopsis.

In a couple of places, you seem to be addressing an audience, but none is ever established, implicitly or otherwise.

Dash does several things that real people just don't do in letters, and it harms the story's authenticity when they don't feel like real letters.

A number of cliches crop up. Not that cliches can't be written well, but it takes viewing them from an unusual angle, yet this story plays out like the majority of shipping stories on FiMFiction do. A confesses a long-held crush to B, who either admits the same or, if she hadn't considered it before, immediately decides she loves A back. Do something different with it. You can't write the same story everyone else is writing and hope it'll stand out.

Lastly, I never bought into what interest the characters have in each other. This goes for the couple, as well as Celestia's interest in Dash. I said I'd come back to that part, and a couple pf flashbacks or anecdotes might help flesh out why Celestia chooses Dash in particular to focus her attention on. But you really do need to work on what Applejack and Dash love about each other, as what's here is incredibly vague. I'll just refer to to Aragon's blog posts again to read up on how you really make a couple feel like they belong together. It takes thinking about what each one finds endearing about the other, what makes each think the other is good relationship material, and what each will contribute to and get out of a romance, among other things.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2842

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>I will tell you of a history only god and I know.//

When you're referring to "god" and not something made generic like "a god," it's customary to capitalize it.

>flatout//

flat out

>Hey Somnia I forgot my homework//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>She twisted her head away from Momo, “I//

You've got a non-speaking action punctuated as if it's a speech tag.

>You know Momo//

Without a comma for direct address, she's saying that Momo is acquainted with herself. You're missing lots of such commas, and I'm not going to continue marking them.

>In a sudden//

In a sudden what?

>Gasping for air//

You'll normally set off participial phrases with a comma.

>On the bed laid a young pony of lavender color, just about to awake.//

You need "lay" and "awaken."

>and scanned the room. Before her eyes had traversed the entire room//

That sure makes it sound like she looked over the whole room, but then you skip back and say she didn't. You don't want hiccups like that in the writing.

>pattern: Long strands of hair, braided together and finished with a ribbon.//

Only capitalize after a colon if it refers to multiple sentences.

>While waiting, Violet nervously tapped her hoof on the floor while looking around the hallway.//

Repetitive use of "while" phrases.

>until Violet became visible through the gap//

This is from the perspective of someone inside the room, not Violet.

>steps, the squeaking of the door hinges easily drowned out the sound of her steps//

Watch that close word repetition, like the "steps" here. This problem keeps popping up.

>the underwhelming nature of Violet's grand entry calmed their enthusiasm//

And that's from some sort of collective class perspective. It also over-explains things. You usually shouldn't be spelling out character motivations or intentions. Let the characters' actions and dialogue imply all that.

>As soon as the bell fulfilled its usual job of signaling the end of this period, a circle of ponies gathered around Somnia's table. As they approached her, their eyes filled with sparkles.//

You've started consecutive sentences with "as" clauses.

>but realized it was best to make way for the transfer student//

How does Violet know this? You're using her perspective, but the narration is telling me their thought processes.

>an earring in both her ears//

This makes it sound like there's a single earring going through both ears. A more normal phrasing would be "earrings in both her ears" or "an earring in each of her ears," though the latter is still a little strange-sounding, unless you went on to say they weren't a matched pair.

In this scene, Somnia doesn't sound too bad, but Rose's dialogue doesn't sound natural. It sounds forced, like a script for something that's not too concerned with realistic character portrayal.

>towards the big gate at the front of the school to trot back towards//

More repetition. I haven't been marking all of these.

>It was hard to believe that any pony would make the effort to search for her after the school was over, instead of just walking home and meeting at school again the next day.//

This implies she'd expect them to want to see her the next day, but given how self-deprecating she tends to be, I'm not sure she would.

>This is Azure Marina, you might have seen her before in class.//

You have a fair number of comma splices like this.

>Rose continued, “you//

Capitalization.

>Violet held back a laugh.//

This is just an example of a larger problem. She sounds like she's actually starting to enjoy herself here, yet the narration, which is in her perspective, sounds so bland. It's just not very expressive, for the most part. The but of her waiting outside the classroom on the first day wasn't bad, but everything's so sterile and lifeless. Put some energy into it. Use imagery, simile, metaphor. Give me some rich descriptions of the setting, especially what's appropriate for the situation. Like that first day in class. It's a new room for Somnia, so surely she'd look it over, and the things her eyes linger on would reveal bits of her character, or possibly become symbolic. Yet I really get no description of the room. Compare this to the details we get when she's taken to Amber's place in chapter 2. On the whole, the story feels like it's just giving me a "this happens, then this happens, then this happens" list instead of evoking any imagery or emotion from the experience.

>under way//

underway

>But I'm gonna say it's correct!//

Since I don't even know what she was trying to answer, I can't tell if there's a joke here. If so, I don't get it.

>There were plenty of other ponies around that would be glad to help her out and support her//

Early on, she assumed nobody would care about her, and now this? When did her attitude change? That's a pretty major shift, one that's worth showing in the story.

>everypony!” The teacher yelled//

Capitalization.

>Violet just swung her head around from left to right, bouncing it off the wall//

She's... bouncing her head off the wall? That sounds like it'd hurt. And why are the other students just letting her do it?

>edge of city//

Missing word.

>As she crossed a bridge over the Kami river on the edge of city//

Same missing word, and this is the third straight sentence to begin with an "as" clause.

>the end of the school year was drawing closer each day//

Why is she thinking this in past tense?

>everything was going to come to end//

Missing word.

>midst//

You need "amid" here.

>In a sudden//

Same as before. That's not a phrasing I've ever heard.

>Sorry for bringing up here//

Missing word.

>she replied, “no//

Capitalization.

>It sounded from the other room.//

I'm not sure what "it" refers to here.

>At multiple points it seemed like Violet was just about to say something, but she instead kept silent.//

Seemed to whom? You've moved out of Violet's perspective.

>Violet, who already had a bleak look on her face.//

How can she see her own face to describe it as such?

>Violet stopped listening halfway through Amber's speech//

Then why does the narrator in her perspective deliver the whole speech? They're the same person. If Amber didn't hear some of it, neither did the narrator.

>you might-”//

Use a proper dash.

>only its tail waggled from side to side, while his entire face remained completely stiff.//

You're wavering between using masculine and neuter pronouns for Kiubee.

>I don't think it would be wise to just drag here into this//

>I didn't think you'd actually join as after everything that happened//
Typos.

>An awkward silence laid over the three//

lay

>Violet only now noticed that all this time Amber hasn't changed the expression on her face once.//

A lot of this scene's perspective had seemed to be in... well, I couldn't tell who, but either Amber or Rose. But this is definitely shifted to Violet's. It's also gone to present tense.

>limitations of that ability is//

Plural/singular mismatch: limitations is.

>by-”//

Use a dash for cutoffs.

Chapter 2 is where I stopped last time, and I'm going to stop here again. The writing isn't bad, but it's just pretty lifeless. I see in your comment that you eliminated a lot of inner dialogue, but I think that's really what the story needs, as long as it makes sense for the perspective. Like don't give me inner dialogue of multiple characters, unless you're going to rewrite the whole thing with an omniscient narrator. And that inner dialogue shouldn't be presented as quoted thoughts, either. Just let the narration speak it for her, unless it needs to be stated in first person. Inner dialogue is precisely what limited narration is for, so take advantage of it.

Beyond that, you do need a fair amount of editing help, too.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2845

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>Earth Ponies//

Why is this the only race you're capitalizing? The standard is to leave them all lower-case.

>ponies turned Equestria into a grand kingdom and a particular occupation became commonplace.//

You have two distinct subject-verb pairs, so they're separate clauses. You'll normally put a comma between clauses. But this sentence is phrased very strangely. It makes it sound like there was only one job that became commonplace, and that you're about to name it. But then you don't say anything. Even taking it that you mean all jobs became commonplace, that's also a strange thought. I can't imagine that being the case.

>This is the story of how I became a great hero.//

It's really strange to have these two scenes be so disconnected, since they're so short. The second presumes that Twilight's either recording the story or relating it to an audience, so is she doing that in the first scene, too? If so, it's jarring to have that context added afterward, and if not, then it's weird to have this one little scene that's not like any other, when it easily could have been, and the difference doesn't add anything.

Let me back up to the synopsis for a moment. It's awfully long, and I have to think you could get away with less. You're just trying to tell me what the story is about, not give me a scene of it. What you have in your short description is just fine. Also look how many one-line paragraphs are in the synopsis. That screams over-dramatization. Single-line paragraphs add emphasis, and when everything's emphasized, nothing is.

Now that I'm in the first actual chapter, the first thing I notice is that there's a lot of repetition. This happens in two ways. The first is on the word level.

>Night Light looked//

>Velvet looked//
>Velvet looked//
>Velvet was looking//
This is all on the first screen. Aside from the most absolutely mundane words, you want to avoid repeating them in a close space. The more unusual the word, the longer you ought to go before reusing it, since it'll stick in the reader's mind more easily. Unless, of course, the repetition is intentional, but then the key is to make it obvious that it's on purpose. That's not what you're doing in this case, though, so that's a topic for another day.

Now, the other kind of repetition I see already. Imagine taking out every sentence that contains dialogue, even if dialogue is only part of the sentence. Look at what's left. I count only 5 sentences in the entire first scene that start with anything but the subject. Many of them are about the same length. Many of them have the same inflection. At least having the dialogue interspersed helps break things up, but it still gets very plodding, like reading a list of actions.

Most of your sentences will probably end up starting with the subject, but you need to avoid having a bunch of them in a row. Throw in something different every few sentences, and work on varying the length and rhythm by tossing in some different structures, like dependent clauses and participial phrases.

And a few odd notes on detailed things.

It's strange to have them refer to Celestia as something like "the mare" several times before using her name. They know who she is, but the avoidance of using her name suggests they don't. And then the narration suddenly switches to calling her by name.

>Awes went through the crowd.//

That's just awkwardly phrased.

>the sun had just peaked into the sky//

You're confusing "peak" with "peek."

>Truly, she was as radiant as the sun she commanded.//

Your first scene is mostly in an omniscient viewpoint, but here, you have the narrator expressing one of the characters' opinions on her behalf. So you've switched to a limited narration now, in Twilight's perspective. You really should keep to one consistent type of narration until you gain enough experience to play tricks like that and make them work.

>Everypony-save for Moondancer-laughed.//

Please use proper dashes for interruptions and asides. Alt+0151 on the keypad will produce one.

>blank flank//

I'm guessing Twilight was about 4 in the first scene, so she's 14 now and still a blank flank? That seems awfully late.

>T-there’s//

Consider what sound she'd actually repeat. That word doesn't have a "t" sound in it.

>I can’t in good consciousness//

conscience

The scene where the doctor won't sign Twilight's form is a symptom of a larger problem where you absolutely blast through things. This should be a pretty emotionally charged moment, but there's not much description, setting, evocative behavior... This is a huge blow to Twilight's hopes for her future, but it doesn't dwell on her reaction at all. Seven paragraphs, and it's over. Compare to the scene before it where Sunset is verbally abusing Twilight. It still skimps on setting and Twilight's reaction, but at least it draws out what Sunset does. Really, the whole point of the story is what impact the events have on the characters, so make sure you're conveying that and not rushing on to the next scene.

>Your highness//

That whole term is an honorific, so it should be capitalized.

>“Please,” She whimpered.//

You occasionally have this problem where you capitalize a speech tag.

>P-p-princess//

As a title attached to a name, this word would have to be capitalized anyway. so capitalize every instance of its first letter in the stutter.

>T-thank//

Same issue as before with which sound she'd actually repeat.

>alot//

That should be two words. There is no such word as this.

>But, the other reason//

It's rare for a comma after a conjunction to be used correctly. This one isn't.

>The Element’s power//

She's referring to more than one of them, yet she's using a singular possessive.

>pegasi guards//

Noun adjuncts are singular, even when the term is plural. For instance, you say "ham sandwiches," not "hams sandwiches."

Now in the fight with Spike, you have a couple of very jerky perspective shifts between Twilight and Celestia.

>Its serpentine eyes//

That's a strange word choice, as "serpentine" means winding the vast majority of the time.

>It unclenched its claw and Sunset fell to the ground.//

You have a number of spots like this where there's a separate verb for each subject, so you have two clauses (It unclenched... and Sunset fell...), so use a comma before the conjunction.

>all you magic//

Typo.

>S-sunset//

Another stutter where the capitalization should persist.

>Aura exploded off Twilight.//

Unless "aura" is jargon from the crossover material that gets used in phrasings like this (I'm not familiar with it), you're missing a word.

>with a heavy accent//

You've already made that apparent in the dialogue. You don't need to repeat it in the narration.

>what she vants//

Note that you're inconsistently applying his accent.

There's not a bad story in here, but you've got a number of stylistic issues fighting it. I've already discussed them, but I'll sum them up here:

-Some editing issues.
-Repetition.
-Often a lack of character emotional investment in what's happening.
-Jumpy perspective.
-Lack of description leaves many scenes feeling pretty bare.
-Many of the scenes are rushed.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2850

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>It was a pleasure doing business with you and I know the Princesses will feel the same once I deliver the news.//

Needs a comma between the clauses.

>the hotel he was staying at//

That's a bit of a clunky phrasing. Why not just "his hotel"?

>“Alright, Spike,” he said aloud to himself, “time to remind Celestia why you were chosen as the ambassador of Equestria.”//

This is the only sentence we get between him getting to his room and the text of the letter. It's rather abrupt. Doesn't he freshen up a bit? Get some paper? Find a pen? It just sounds unnatural.

>I’ve heard legends of a distant planet called “Earth.”//

This is really out of place. You're not trying to write a metafic or allude to space travel or anything. I won't make you drop the joke, but it immediately removed my enthusiasm for the story.

>Anywho//

An odd expression for Celestia to use, since it's a very vernacular way of saying "anyhow."

>Our current treaty on the gems that border our land and theirs is coming to an end and it’s of utmost importance you work out a new deal.//

Needs a comma.

>The white mare//

You're telling the story in Spike's perspective. Is this really how he'd choose to refer to her? People don't think about friends in such external and formal ways.

>But, you have to let me pay.//

It's rarely correct to put a comma after a conjunction. This one is not.

>before laying back into his bed//

Lay/lie confusion. They're tough verbs to keep straight.

>But, that was a nice dream.//

Same deal with the comma after a conjunction. You should scan for these, as I'm not going to mark them all.

> I believe Equestrian’s celebrate it every year at this time.//

You have a possessive where you need a plural.

>Love,

>
>Your friend, Celestia//
Why is she putting two closings on the letter?

>The sound of train horns and hot metal filled his nostrils//

Hot metal makes sounds? Or he has the sound of train horns in his nose? I'm not sure how to take this.

>days worth//

days' worth

The narration is starting to get a fairly repetitive feel. Here's an example paragraph:
>Spike nodded before running off toward the designated train. He handed his ticket to the conductor and found a seat. He slouched back and closed his eyes. He felt so stupid. But, there was no time to feel sorry for himself. He had only one thought on his mind.//
Look at how the same structure keeps repeating. All but one sentence starts with the subject. They're all fairly short. 4 of the 6 start with "he," and yet another starts with him as well, in name form. It just loses its flow when it does that.

>onto important matters//

"On to" needs to be separate words here, as it changes the meaning.

>Spike chuckled gave up a toothy grin.//

Phrasing is jumbled.

>I’ know//

Why is that apostrophe there?

>Twilight has pretty much locked herself up in the castle//

Why in the world did this happen? It smacks of convenience, and it never gets explained.

>“I’d love to, Spike,” Rarity pulled her eyes up to meet his.//

You've punctuated that like it's a speech tag, but there's no speaking verb.

>So, is it a date?//

The problem here is we just get told they're together, but it's not really justified. I'll revisit this at the end.

>A few other passengers on the train squinted their eyes in annoyance at being woken up//

From what? His yawn? They must be incredibly light sleepers.

>“Excuse me, Miss?” He said//

"Miss" only gets capitalized when it's attached to a name, and you've capitalized your speech tag.

>plastered on//

You're using the whole phrase as a single adjective, so hyphenate it.

>continue onto the next car//

Same issue with "on to" being two words. "Onto" literally means "on top of."

>He looked at the doors directly in front of him, then glanced back at the doors on the side of the car. “The south doors, right…”//

How is this confusing? There are only two possible directions.

>where the hostess was at//

Don't ever end a sentence with "at." In most cases, you can just remove it without harming the syntax at all.

>“Will four creams be enough for ya?” She asked//

Speech tag capitalization again, and so far, you're only getting it wrong when the dialogue ends in a question mark. This used to be an issue with GDocs, so I don't know if that's what's going on here.

This conversation with the waitress is a prime spot for some anecdotes, but I'll get to that later when I wrap up the shipping discussion.

>between you and I//

between you and me

>Yes or no.?//

Extraneous punctuation.

>there’s a mare out there that loves you//

When referring to sentient creatures, it's preferred to use "who" instead of "that."

>when Rarity, came down the aisle//

Why is that comma there?

>It’s true//

Why are you switching to present tense?

>We’ve now arrived at Ponyville!//

You mentioned the trip having multiple layovers, yet none of that ever happened. He boarded a train, slept, ate, slept, and got off the train.

>it was as if nothing changed from all the years he’d lived there//

Well, he'd already said exactly this:
>“Some things never change.”//

>When he finally made it into town//

Look at the number of "to be" verbs in this paragraph. It's bogging the story down. It wouldn't be hard to rephrase most of this with active verbs, and it makes a story more interesting to read, since active verbs make things happen.

>business takes him away longer than he wishes//

You're in present tense again.

Frankly, that ending was obvious right from the start, but that doesn't mean it's badly done. I do have a few issues.

Spike keeps setting up that Rarity is going to be angry with him, but there's never any reason given why. Not that they didn't get along well, not that she'd actually ever gotten angry with him before. And as it turns out, I doubt she has. That part feels manufactured.

I guess Platinum is related to Rarity? I'm not sure, but it seemed to be implied, yet it's hard to believe she wouldn't have immediately known who Spike was, then.

I'm not sure why this holiday is so important. I'd guess it's either the anniversary of their wedding or her death, but it could be their first date or something. The story never says.

The trick to this kind of ending is to have it add new meaning to the story, but aside from an "oh, okay" moment, it doesn't add new context. It doesn't change how Spike feels, since he obviously already knew, but it doesn't change anyone else either. It's less like a story with a twist to it and more like story that just exists to have that twist in it. Usually this would involve some other character experiencing growth, since all the important stuff has already happened for Spike, unless he reaches a new understanding or something. But the twist comes and goes, and the story never really concludes anything from it.

Now, about the shipping. This is a common issue for shipping stories, and for the long version, I'll refer you to the blog posts that Aragon has written on the subject and linked from his homepage. The short version is that it's not enough just to tell me they love each other. You have to demonstrate it and establish what the basis for it is.

A good way of doing that is by anecdote, and you tried to do that by showing some past events, but look at what we really get from each one. That they got married, but that's a given, and it's pretty generic. That they went out on a first date, which is getting warmer, but still not there. That they'd hung out before dating, which is also a nice character moment. But here's the thing that's missing: I don't know why either of them is in love. They agree to go on a date, they agree to get married, but the only reason I have to think they're in love is because the narrator says so.

What is it that Spike actually likes about her? Details of her personality, things she does that he finds endearing, how she's compatible with him. Those are the kinds of things you want the anecdotes to show. People each give and take from a relationship, and they believe that the other person does the same. So what does she have that he sees as good relationship material, not just that she's attractive, but that she's the kind of companion he could see enjoying for many years? He's in a unique position to tell me that, but I never get it.

That has to come from her side as well, though we obviously can't hear it directly from her now. In anecdotes, though, she can say what she likes about him, what leads her to believe he's good relationship material in general and for her specifically. Plus he can read the signs from her that she's happy. My investment in the story is going to be driven by how much he loves her, and all I have to go on is the narrator's assurance that he does, without much evidence to demonstrate it.

When I'm convinced they're truly in love, then it means so much more when she dies. Without that piece, it's still tragic, but no more so than any other of his friends, so you're singling her out without proving she warrants that.

And creating a vibrant relationship (to be sure, a relationship should be built with the same care as a character and can almost be considered one), is what really brings life to a romance story. That's how you stand out against the crowd of all the other "dead lover" stories out there. If you can add that piece, then you'd have something here.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2852

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>‘Tura//

You have an opening quote there, not an apostrophe.

>“Reschedule one or two things”.//

>“The Country Tourer”.//
Period goes inside the quotes. There are times you can make the argument that it wasn't part of the quote, but these aren't exactly quotations. You're not putting a comma before them like they're speech.

>Coloratura tried to meet her half-lidded eye, and found she simply couldn’t.//

No need for a comma there. It's all one clause.

>Tain’t//

Could use an apostrophe on the front as well, since you're clipping it short there.

>doncha//

Usually spelled don'tcha.

>Fancypants//

His canon name is two words.

>ever-so-slightly//

No need for those hyphens.

>he half-lidded, smiling face of Cherry Jubilee//

This is already the third time in the chapter you've described her eyes like this.

>her crushed swirl//

>ripped a chunk off//
It's subtle, but these don't quite work with how you described it as "mushy."

Well, I have to admit to being confused at the end of chapter 1. There's a story about Cherry trying to help Rara out, and then we go into a couple of flashbacks where she attempts to chew out Sven and... well, get Cherry's help yet again. At least that was the first time, so it's a significant event, but then there isn't any contrast drawn between the two. I don't get a sense that they're really all that different, that Rara has grown as a character at all in between. Yeah, we're early in the story, and I'm sure you'll fill in that character arc, but it's really static so far. You make a point of comparing the past to the present, but she hasn't changed any. You'd have a more compelling first chapter if there was some movement on that front, but it feels like nothing but setup, and it's a fairly large percentage of the story expended to have the nature of the conflict so nebulous still. I don't really even know what it's about yet. Rara's miserable while trying to make it without Sven, and... that's it. That's kind of vague, and I don't know anything more about what she wants, much less see her taking steps to get it.

I've had overnight to stew on it, and I'll elaborate a little more. There are a couple of avenues for conflict set up: she's mad at Svengallop, she's being comforted by Cherry, and there's something about Denim, yet I can't tell whether she's concerned about Denim's well-being or sees her as a rival. So after a chapter and a third of the way through the story, I still don't know what the chief conflict or struggle is going to be.

The beginning of chapter 2 is confusing as far as perspective is concerned. Chapter 1 ends in Rara's viewpoint, and while it's fair game to change perspectives at chapter breaks, you want to make it immediately evident you've done so, or the reader will assume it hasn't shifted. So when you start with "She kept up the good sleeping regime for three days, and then bad habits ambushed her again," it would appear to be Rara's thought. Then midway through the third sentence it seems like Cherry is the viewpoint character because some of the subject matter in the second sentence. It's not until the last sentence of the second paragraph that the perspective is obvious. You don't want me having to hit the speed bump of reinterpreting the first couple sentences once the shift is clear. It's a bad idea for the first reference to a character in a scene be by pronoun anyway, since they work by antecedent, and in that situation, there isn't one.

>It didn’t really seem to be hurting any pony.//

Seems like that "any pony" would be one word, like "anyone."

>get in the way when I was trying to get into//

Kind of repetitive phrasing.

>Never had he found himself surrounded by so many wide and eager eyes.//

This is Rara's reminiscence, yet she seems to be reading Shill's mind here. You don't normally flash back into any perspective but your own.

For that matter, these flashbacks go on long enough that it's probably better to segue into them and set them off as separate scenes, leaving them in regular font. It gets irritating to read this much italics. They're not for extended passages.

>she went along with it first//

Usually, I see that phrased as "at first."

>seemed as certain and solid as he did now. No one else seemed//

Repetitive word choice.

>I felt a hundred hands tall!//

That doesn't seem plausible as a unit of measure. First off, not many races have hands, and second, those who do aren't in charge of the ponies, so why would that be the standard?

>special//

>pestle//
That's a pretty weak rhyme.

>And turned my tongue towards the art//

You're a syllable short on that one.

>With sweet, divine, enchanting melodies.//

You just used "enchanting" two lines ago, and it's not evident as a thematic repetition.

>Flowing words now kept me tall,

>Kept me from the reaper’s fall
>Crashing down to fading darkness,
>Gave me heart when I was heartless.//
Okay, now look at this stanza. The first couplet is a syllable short per line, but you have a different stress pattern. It looks like you alternate stanzas where the lines start with stressed or unstressed syllables, but especially on the stressed ones, you're inconsistent at using 7 or 8 syllables per line. And this line especially:
>Changing my dark soul inside://
Has a really forced stress pattern. You're trying to emphasize that word to stomp it into the pattern, but it doesn't fit.

>Had me possessed; the ghost was my Countess!//

And this stress pattern is way off. Plus it's another weak rhyme.

>And now my roots grew back across the distance,

>And I was saved by my own reminiscence…//
It's not a sonnet, but I suppose that doesn't mean you can't have female rhyme. At least you do it in both lines. Except you do it again the next two times you have an isolated couplet. The idea behind female rhyme is that it's only an occasional thing.

>charm//

>balm//
Yikes. That rhyme's a real stretch.

>Farmer’s gal who’d run away,

>Lost it all, and had to pay//
Short on syllables there again.

>forever//

Kind of weak to rhyme a word with itself.

Jeez, that song takes up four and a half screens. You know a hefty chunk of readers are just going to scroll past it, right? Readers are not very receptive to song lyrics, so you have to keep them short, preferably less than a screen, or break them up with anecdotes or something so you're only getting a little at a time. This is like having a block of exposition. It makes the action grind to a halt.

>Turns out wizards have a weakness//

Now you're breaking the pattern of alternating stanzas that stress or unstress the first syllable of each line. Counting where she left the song off before, you now have two stanzas in a row that begin stressed.

>My horizon! My heartsong!//

That rhythm is off.

It seems a little odd that we go to Silver Shill's reminiscence in flashback form, which necessitates being in his perspective, from an scene that was in Rara's perspective, but I guess that can't be helped, unless you don't show it in flashback mode.

And at the end of the second chapter, I'm still pretty mystified as to what the story's point is. Rara's clearly facing down some internal turmoil over what her role in life is to be, but I don't understand why that is or what it has to do with her breaking from Svengallop. It's not like she'd completely changed. Take how she loved doing events with the children. So I don't have a good picture of whether she's upset about who she is or if she's just upset about where her career can go from here. And since I'm now roughly 2/3 way through the story, that's not a good place for your reader to be. I mean, the writing's good, and the character voicing is vivid. I can certainly see it being engaging to the crowds on FiMFiction, but it's not holding together that well for me.

>few freckles flecked//

The alliteration creates a playful feel that doesn't really match the tone.

>“Letters,” she said quietly, “are nowhere near good enough. We need to meet up more often.”//

It's ambiguous who "she" is here. Applejack was the last character mentioned by name, though Rara is the most recent to warrant a "her." It felt more like Applejack was saying it, but then I had to backtrack when that made the dialogue exchanges off.

>“Applejack,” said Coloratura quickly, “you’re not making sense! That wasn’t your fault!”//

You're placing all your dialogue tags in that same position in the sentence. It's getting repetitive.

>She watched as Applejack sat down on the boards.//

Again, it's ambiguous who "she" is here. Applejack just had dialogue, but the last character mentioned was Cherry, and yet I get the sense this is supposed to be Rara.

>She ignored the way Applejack’s foreleg moved up to her snout, and the slight sniffs that followed.//

If she ignored them, then how did she see them?

>Cherry Jubilee gave a loud sniff and dabbed at her eyes with her neckerchief.//

I've said this several times already, and I'll wrap it up at the end, but i should be just as emotional as Cherry here, but I'm just not feeling it. It's not until this chapter that I'm really getting a picture of what's been going on the whole time, but it's still a bit vague, and it's pretty late in the story to create that investment.

>‘em//

Needs an apostrophe, not an open quote.

>far too cheesy//

Hyphenate that, since it's all a single adjective for the "smile" afterward.

>said “Good//

Missing comma.

>You’re too good to leave doin’ nothin’ but chores//

I don't understand this phrasing. My best guess is AJ's telling her that if she left and went back home to her chores, it'd be a waste. If that's what you mean, then the participial phrase "doin' nothin but chores" should be set off with commas.

>weighed down by some private misery//

How does Rara know what this is?

>“I’m saying –” she began. “Y… No.”//

This is the first time in the story you've actually gotten me invested in what happens to her, and we're about 85% of the way through. Why do I care? Because I know exactly what the conflict is that led up to this statement and witnessed her agonizing over it. That hasn't been present in the story until now.

>because they weren’t sure if she was joking or not//

Rara presumes this about AJ, but she doesn't know it. Maybe you should phrase it so. For that matter, it's better to have Rara express this directly than have the narrator say it like a middleman. It's kind of cold and factual as is, but if Rara asks herself the question, it's more personal.

>each other and tightened their grip on each other’s//

Kind of repetitive.

>“Moonlighting”, she’d said.//

Comma goes inside the quotes.

>‘em//

Needs to be an apostrophe.

>her hoof steering Coloratura//

>Coloratura let Applejack steer her//
These are just a paragraph apart.

I don't understand why you went to Cherry's perspective for the last scene. The whole thing had been in Rara's, so it's a "one of these things is not like the others" when only the final few hundred words out of 10k change from that. And we don't even learn anything vital from being there. Furthermore, Rara even comes back in, so whatever little bit of plot closure you wanted to achieve with this scene could still happen in Rara's viewpoint. It's not Cherry's character growth that the story's about, yet you make that your parting shot.

I like the story's message and how that's conveyed by Rara's decision at the end, and of course the writing is good, but my main problem with this is that it takes so long for it to go anywhere. It's not until halfway through chapter 3 that I find out exactly what Rara's issue has been all along and what she wants. So I have to wade through lots of vagaries that dance around the topic, and then all those song lyrics in chapter 2. That's an absolute death knell for a story. Many readers will tune out right there. If the actual content of the lyrics is important to understand the story or move the plot, make that abundantly clear, but for goodness' sake, keep it short or break it up into bite-size chunks.

For so much of the story, I'm in the dark about what's bothering Rara. It could be she hasn't gotten over feeling used, it could be that she's taken it on as a personal mission to help Sven's other victims, it could be she feels emptied out and doesn't know who she is anymore (though I'm glad you didn't go that way, since it'd be harder to explain why she felt she very much did know exactly who she was at the end of that episode). It could even be all three, but I could never tell what her attitude toward Denim was, and then Denim comes back up briefly a bit later before being dropped from the story entirely. So she's feeling like a Chekhov's gun: something given seeming importance that never gets used.

Then, it's not apparent why Rara seems to have taken an interest in country music. Is it necessary to scrape together enough money to make a living? It sure doesn't seem that way. Is it just because she wants to explore more kinds of music? I guess that's the case, given how it ends, but she never equates her disdain for Manehattan with a particular style of music. It's not like she's giving up on pop music, or it least it doesn't seem so. And Manehattan's not the only place to play that, so... I'm a bit stumped. Has her experience tainted her on not just the pop business but even the sound as well? Yet she doesn't seem to have latched onto anything else either. She's tried country, but she doesn't come across as enthusiastic about it, and nothing else gets mentioned. So even with all this talk at the end about her finding her own way, it seems like lip service, because she's not taking any steps to get there. Yeah, she wrote a song, but how is she going to present it? As a country song? As some other style she just never says she's interested in?

Only at the end is there anything concrete about Rara's emotional investment. She acts upset the whole way through, but it's just generic through the beginning since it's unfocused about what precisely is eating at her, and she doesn't even seem to be in turmoil about it, just a steady gloominess. Plus it's unclear what she's actually doing about it, so that she's engaged in a real struggle instead of just moping along. Not that moping can't be interesting to read, but it's tougher, and it still needs to earn buy-in from the reader about what and why and how and what stakes exist. Not to mention that the synopsis explicitly promises a struggle, while she's more numbly accepting things until chapter 3.

Like I said, this story has the good writing flow and characterization I expect from you, but it lacks much direction, and what direction it does have waits until the last minute to make an appearance. It takes a lot of trust fro a reader to push through all that (plus those song lyrics and the lengthy stretches of all italics!). I went back and skimmed chapter 1 to make sure I wasn't just missing something, as I've been known to do, but I don't see it. It's a little more evident that Rara's disappointed her country song didn't make a bigger splash and that she's relegated to the opening act at the moment, but she doesn't come across as feeling all that strongly about it, so with the benefit of hindsight, it's a little better, but not much.

I could post this on the strength of the writing and characterization alone, and I don't think anyone would call me on it. We've certainly posted lower-quality stories. But I've read enough of your stories to know what you're capable of, and you can do better than this. If it were a low-stakes SoL, that's one thing. It's not supposed to have a big payoff. But when you build the story around this wrenching emotional experience, it really does need to have that impact. So I'm going to send it back to you and see what you can do with it.

In quick bullet point fashion:
-Extended italics get irritating to read. It'd work better to segue those into flashback scenes.
-Having a single block of song lyrics go on that long is asking for lots of trouble. There were also lots of irregularities in meter, and I get it's just a rough draft she scribbled down, but it's so exacting in its irregularity that it doesn't come across as something half-formed.
-It's so late in the story before we find out what she wants and why, and a couple of false leads (namely Denim) just get dropped.
-When we do find out what she wants, it's kind of generic. Everyone wants to be loved for who they really are, so don't leave it so abstract. Give me specific examples of when she tried, how she failed, what the result was, and how that made her feel. She's speaking in generalities, and they're never going to connect with the reader as much as specifics will.
-Given how limited a narrator you're using, you don't get very expressive with Rara's emotion.
-I don't see the point at all of going to Cherry's perspective for the final scene.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2856

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>having audience with her//

Usually, that's phrased as "an" audience.

Right away, a lot of your verb choices tend toward the stagnant. You have 8 "to be" verbs in just the first 5 paragraphs. You're killing the story's momentum before it even has any. Most times, it's not hard to rephrase a lot of these things with active verbs, in the narration at least. You get leeway for dialogue, since people don't take fancy routes around such verbs, and the dialogue does need to sound natural. But as for the narration, the more active you keep it, the more interesting it is.

The beginning is also very generalized. Someone waiting to speak to Celestia is common enough that it doesn't stand out. So what can you do to make it pop? Well, look at what comes next. The narrator says she hasn't been here in a long time, and she enjoys looking around, but the detail level is so vague. If you'd just returned to a place you knew very well after being away for ages, how would you react? You'd notice lots of little details. You just mention generic things like rugs and marble floors that are stock pieces for a castle, and we don't even get a description of what any of it looks like. Impress me with how grand it is. Tie it to her personal experience. She's going to look at things that mean something to her. She doesn't just see the rug. She sees it still has the curled-up edge she used to trip on when she was young. The clock on the wall that none of the staff could ever seem to keep properly wound. A vase she remembers is gone now. Did it get broken, or had Celestia only kept it there to humor her? This is the kind of thing I'm looking for. Make this a very personal experience for the narrator, not some routine errand, since you haven't described it as one. (Actually making a routine errand interesting is a whole other topic.)

>Still, the same rugs and tapestries adorned the halls. The marble floors and walls were still//

Watch repeating a word that close.

>the guards and servants that walked the halls//

When referring to sentient beings, it's customary to use "who" instead of "that."

>Her Majesty//

That's actually a title for a queen. A princess would be Your Highness, though I'll grant you that the show seems to use them interchangeably.

>I had been waiting here for well over an hour now, standing the entire time.//

Ponies don't exactly need chairs to sit. She didn't have to remain standing.

>Though, what I had to speak with her about was no doubt an important matter.//

It's rarely correct to put a comma after a conjunction—only when there's some sort of comma-delimited element following it, like a participial phrase.

>I knew she was distraught over his disappearance.//

How so? Describe some of the reaction Clover has witnessed. Or some manner of evidence of how close they were.

>remaining friends she had left//

Redundant.

>And, Hurricane//

No reason to have that comma.

>And, I knew that I would die soon as well.//

Same thing. I can't keep noting these or I'll have a document full of them. Suffice it to say you should scan through ad likely remove any commas you have after conjunctions.

>that Luna has been gone//

Verb tense is off here.

Man, this chapter spends an inordinate amount of time on exposition. When you spend paragraphs at a time summarizing events, it doesn't give them much gravity. I have to think these summaries don't need to be as long as they are, but they're also very dry, like a history lesson. They're dwelling more on what events transpired and less on what effect that had on Clover. They're her memories, after all.

>After all, she is still maintaining Luna’s bedchambers//

That's a strange choice of tense anyway, "is maintaining" versus "maintains," but I'm not sure why it's in present. The whole narration has been in past tense, aside from one typo.

>As young and radiant as ever//

You're glossing over the kind of detail she'd use to arrive at this conclusion, the same way you glossed over the way the castle looked to her. What she notices, what she chooses to linger on, and how it makes her feel, are all very good ways to characterize her.

>The throne room had brought back too many memories, many good, some bad.//

One or two examples will always be more powerful that something vague or generalized. Give me a couple of one-sentence anecdotes about these memories. If I have no idea what they are, I'm not going to be invested in them.

>He seemed affronted.//

How so? What did he do?

>“Sir,” I spoke calmly, “If//

When you transition out of speech and back in with commas like this, the quote is implied to be one unbroken sentence, so you shouldn't capitalize "if."

>tried to suppress a laugh, but failed miserably. He instead tried//

Watch the repetition again.

>“Clover,” said she, her voice full of warmth, “It is good to see you.”//

Same capitalization problem with the dialogue. You'll have to scan the story for these.

>“Likewise,” I said, as it was.//

Yet the narration sounds so formal and stoic about it. It doesn't feel like the train of thought of someone who's happy to see an old friend.

>been…some//

Leave a space after an ellipsis, unless it starts the sentence or has other punctuation after it.

>all of the ponies that//

"Who," not "that."

>whatever else garbage//

>whatever else asinine rumors//
Awkwardly phrased.

>That small smile of hers returned to her face.//

You never really said it left. You did have her expression "shift" but then "snap back into place," so it sounds like she was already smiling.

>deal with the politics here. I doubt very much you would want to deal with//

Repetitive phrasing.

To make a point, I'm going to paste in a few paragraphs' worth of narration with all the sentences of dialogue removed.

>I nodded in affirmation. I shrugged. Celestia shifted the positioning of one of her hooves slightly. That small smile of hers returned to her face. She nodded in thought. I smiled. Celestia clapped her hooves together and leaned forward. I finally broke and a gruff laugh escaped from deep within me. I smiled at her. She bobbed her head gently.//

It gets better after this, but if you read that as a paragraph like I have it here, wouldn't that feel dreadfully plodding? They're mostly short sentences with downward inflection, and they all start with the subject. It gets very structurally repetitive. The dialogue that gets mixed in helps mask the repetition, but it can only do so much. Toss in a little more variety here and there so you don't get 10 sentences in a row that are the same.

>I finally broke and a gruff laugh escaped from deep within me.//

Needs a comma between the clauses, since you have distinct subject-verb pairs: I broke, and a laugh escaped

>if this was a mere social call//

She's speaking hypothetically, so use subjunctive mood: if this were.

>“…Gone?” Was what she eventually said//

"Was" shouldn't be capitalized here. It doesn't start a sentence.

>I paused//

This is a meaningless phrase. What happens during the pause is what charges it with tension. Is she stopping to think of how to break the news? Searching for a particular word? Surreptitiously farting? Those all completely change the mood. So let me know what the mood is here.

>Celestia’s eyes met mine//

Given how much she just used "met" in the previous paragraph, this isn't a good spot to use it again so soon.

>I allowed myself a small smile.//

Both of them are doing an awful lot of smiling. It's a word authors tend to overuse.

>This is hardly proper court procedures.//

"Procedure" would be singular here.

>obviously upset//

This is already clear from his behavior. Beware over-explaining things.

>Last though, was the herald.//

You need another comma before "though."

>I gazed up at the throne.//

All these short one-sentence paragraphs... They really don't say much. Doing this is supposed to add emphasis, but when you emphasize six things in a row, then none of them really stand out. Even so, the formatting had better be justified by something important happening in them, and nothing really does.

>Yet, I had only taken the first few before, Celestia//

Neither one of those commas should be there.

>helped me up the last five steps//

Why is Celestia making an old mare walk up there? Why doesn't she come down? I get the bit about Luna's throne, but Clover didn't know Celestia was going to do that.

>alicorn that goes around//

Who, not that.

>She paused.//

Again, this is meaningless as a standalone sentence.

>Me and Celestia were now the only two left//

Celestia and I.

>one-hundred//

That's not a spot where a hyphen would go.

>the permanent scorch mark from one of Starswirl’s wayward spells on one of the walls.//

See, this is the kind of detail I was looking for earlier. Do more of this.

>know…” her voice trembled, “…I//

Here's how to format an aside in a quote. Pay attention to the capitalization and punctuation:
know—” her voice trembled “—I

>She had so much of this bottled up//

Needs a comma here.

>her wails//

This is a bit much. I realize they're alone, to where she doesn't need to keep up appearances, but still. Where sad situations are concerned, less is usually more. If you go overboard, it just comes across as maudlin, and then you lose the sense of authenticity. You don't want the story to feel emotionally manipulative.

>I paused.//

plz

>Madam//

That's not a word that would be capitalized, unless it precedes a name or title.

>I think we both knew what was to come next.//

This is the 5th sentence in a row to start with the same word.

There's some good character work in this chapter, but I can't help feeling like it's a very long wind-up before we actually get to the story the synopsis promised. It would help if you add the kinds of details I discussed earlier, since it'd increase Clover's engagement with the situation and thus feel like character development instead of a rather static explanatory chapter.

>been one of my favorite places to be//

Same as last chapter, you have a lot of "to be" verbs stagnating things right away.

>I was only a common scribe at the moment.//

This makes it sound like she knew she would be more, and we haven't gotten that sense of ambition from her.

>The most interesting that happened//

Missing word.

>The royal alchemists and the castle infirmary were always in need of fresh trimmings.//

Only 7 paragraphs into the chapter, and you already have 15 "to be" verbs, 10 of them "was."

>Canterbury Woods was a unique place.//

Seriously. Do a Ctrl-f for "was" and watch the screen light up. There are 224 of them in the chapter. That's about once every 3 sentences just for that form of the verb alone. That's how often something doesn't happen.

>some of ones back at the castle//

Missing word.

>On many occasion//

Typo.

Now you're having the same issue I noted earlier. You have so many one-line paragraphs, and you have to be more judicious about where you use emphasis like this. It just looks poorly formatted.

>grinded//

ground

Through this spot, look how calm and flat the narration is. If this were happening to you, would your internal thoughts be so organized and formal? There's a disconnect between the events and the narrative tone. For that matter, I understand that short sentences can work toward pacing and tension, but you still don't want to use nothing but that. Yet in this passage, nearly every sentence is identical in inflection and length, and it gets to be like reading a grocery list:
>Everything vanished. My vision went black. I could not feel the ground under my hooves. The forest’s aromas were gone. The silence intensified.
>
>My skin was aflame. A ringing in my ears. The bones within my body grinded against each other.//

>It was as if nothing had even happened.//

This ends a stretch of 19 consecutive one-line paragraphs. This is ridiculous. What that says to me as a reader is that you either don't have a sense of where to correctly place emphasis or you're not coming up with enough detail to fill the story out. On the word count alone, I'd say the latter isn't the issue.

>who I could now see//

whom

>He seemed somewhat surprised. Confused.//

What does he do that leads Clover to conclude this?

>surely the townsponies would know who he is//

You've switched to present tense.

>the slightest traces of nervousness trickling into my voice//

If you're nervous is your tone of voice what clues you in? Surely there are more immediate ways she'd perceive the emotion than that.

>He paused and then began again.//

This is wasted verbiage. The fact that he paused is meaningless. What gives it meaning is why he paused, usually shown indirectly through what happens during the pause. But all we get to know is that it exists.

>How could he have possibly have known that?//

And I bet you're not going to say what it is. Consider the perspective, though. We're seeing Clover's internal thoughts as narration. If the narration won't say, that implies she has a reason to avoid thinking about it, but no such motivation has been mentioned. So there's no reason for the narrator to withhold the information.

>two-hundred//

That's not the spot for a hyphen in a number. They only go between tens and ones places.

>My brain took a moment to catch-up.//

This isn't a situation where you'd hyphenate that.

>I would strongly suspect that is was because of our meeting here.//

Typo.

>“Life isn’t always fair, dear Clover. Nor is it predictable.”//

He's using direct address with her over and over. Think about how often you do so when having a one-on-one conversation. Pretty rarely. Direct address is used to get someone's attention, disambiguate to whom you're speaking, or to add emphasis. The last one is the only possibility that might apply here, but this falls under the same umbrella as all those one-line paragraphs: too much emphasis is the same as no emphasis, except that it's more irritating to read.

>trying to recollect my thoughts some//

I think you mean just "collect." "Recollect" would mean she's trying to remember them.

>All of a sudden//

You've told me things are sudden several times already. It's not the kind of thing you should have to point out. If you write it well, it will already come across as sudden. It's like having to assure the reader that a joke is funny. If it needs the explanation, it probably wasn't. You have 17 of them in the chapter, which is quite a few.

>I do not kno—” He broke off unexpectedly//

The punctuation already shows me he broke off. Narrating it as well is redundant.

>“I would like to hear it, if you do not mind.”

>
>“Hmm?”
>
>“Your story?” He blinked. “Of how you got here?”//
It's ambiguous who says what here, particularly since his action is placed with her speech. I thought he was asking her how she got there, and I didn't realize I was wrong until two screens later.

>sit the boulder//

Missing word.

>sat beside him on the rock//

And you just used "sat" in the last sentence. Try to avoid close word repetition like that.

>“There!” said he, seemingly satisfied, “We may as well be comfortable while we chat, no?”//

The way you capitalized and punctuated that speech tag, it means that the two parts of the quote are one continuous sentence, yet they obviously aren't, since you put end punctuation on the first and capitalized the second.

>“Clover,” he interrupted me again, as he was wont to do, “If//

Same thing.

>who you will meet//

whom

>“Now,” he said, clasping his hooves together, “Let’s begin.//

Capitalization again. I don't know why this is suddenly turning up. Maybe you just didn't use this pattern of speech tags until now, but it's wrong regularly enough that you should scan the whole story for it.

>He trailed off into silence.//

The punctuation already tells me this.

>researching time magic for some time//

That just sound strange, like you're trying to make a joke.

>Over time//

And with this so soon after, it's just getting repetitive.

>“But eventually, I overstay my welcome, and am noticed and forced out again.//

This is the 14th straight paragraph without even a single word of narration. Not even a speech tag. This is really talking heads.

>Every time//

It's probably best to avoid expressions about time when he's actually talking about it. It comes across as you making puns.

>He had been speaking nonstop for what felt like several minutes now.//

Yeah, I know how you feel, Clover.

>snapping me from my own thoughts//

Missing punctuation.

>250//

Spell out numbers that short. You'd already been doing so anyway.

>And a pony was never meant to experience what he has//

You're using present tense again.

>Night had now fallen proper.//

You really like to use "proper" in this way. It's already the 5th time in the chapter you've done so. It's sticking out as a writing tic.

>Crickets or some other bug buzzed off in the distance.//

This isn't really ambiguous. Crickets don't buzz.

>“Thank you for telling me,” I finally said, “I would not think it easy to carry such a burden for so long.”//

Same issue with the intermediary speech tag, but it's less obvious this time. If you put the two parts of the quote together, you'd have a comma splice.

>One of his ears swiveled in my direction and then spoke//

One of his ears spoke?

>A pause.//

A meaningless sentence.

>T-thank//

Think about what sound she'd actually repeat. There isn't even a "t" sound in that word.

>I suspected it was related to his predicament.//

You don't need to state the obvious.

>“Starswirl,” My voice was low, “Are you feeli—” I broke off//

Two capitalization errors, redundant indications of breaking off.

>Here, was this stallion sitting in front of me//

No reason to have that comma.

>I tore off another chunk of bread and began eating.//

She didn't begin eating. She started that a while ago.

>his self//

himself

>two-hundred//

No hyphen.

>I did not think he had had such a chance talk with anypony//

Missing word.

>somepony who he trusted//

whom

>I gasped in amazement//

Whenever you have one of these "in/with/of emotion" phrasings, consider whether something already in the sentence conveys it, like the gasp here. If not, then consider whether it's an emotion important to the story, such that you should likewise show the character demonstrating that emotion instead of directly identifying it. You use these phrases a fair amount.

>You were the only pony that could ever match me//

Use "who."

>He then gripped me suddenly, his voice now low and serious,//

You've punctuated that like it's a speech tag, but it has no speaking verb.

>other’s hearts//

Assuming he wants her to do this for more than one person, you need a plural possssive.

>his crystal dinged twice is rapid succession//

Typo.

And now you're doing that single-sentence paragraph thing again.

>without so much of a trace//

The phrasing is usually "without so much as."

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2857

>>2856
>poured over every sentence//
pored

>I excused my behavior for that you needed to learn how to cope on your own//

That's pretty hard to parse.

For a rather long letter, it sure doesn't say much. it covers all the generic stuff you'd expect it to, but it doesn't have any sort of detail to it. That leaves it feeling very impersonal. It just keeps going back over that he loves her and time travel is dangerous. The bit about Luna is interesting, but it's odd for that to just now come up, so late in the story.

>Though it was not until very recent//

recently

>her features somewhat nervous, as if she was embarrassed about her behavior//

I don't understand why this would embarrass her. It's a heartfelt emotion, one that's completely understandable.

>Clover!” She said//

Capitalization.

>two-hundred//

No hyphen.

>Nor did I feel like.//

Like what?

>A slight pause.//

And another meaningless one.

>My voice crackled some.//

>Her mouth twitched some.//
Repetitive phrasing so close together.

>She did not like anypony else try//

Syntax is off.

>two-hundred//

Just do a global search and replace on it. There are times it's valid to hyphenate it, but it's uncommon, and I don't see any so far.

This story's kind of an odd bird. The whole point of it is that Clover's going to tell Celestia what became of Star Swirl. The whole first chapter does nothing but lead up to the actual plot. And by the end, nothing happens. Celestia knows now, but there's no conclusion drawn from it. Nothing gets resolved, and there isn't even a direction set to start resolving it, in the way that a good open ending would. The only character development is in relation to a tangential plot that doesn't even get brought up until the last few thousand words.

I read your author's note about how you pieced the story together, and from reading it, it does really feel like that's how it was done, since it doesn't have strong thematic ties between the parts, as if it were a single, coherent plan. It could just use a little more thought as to how the last chapter provides or implies the resolution of what happened in chapter 2.

Aside from that, it's just the detailed things I had to keep mentioning, particularly all the one-line/one-sentence paragraphs and the prevalence of boring "to be" verbs.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2894

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>A blur of colors whizzed through the sky; a rainbow trail left behind for brief seconds where the owner of those colors had been.//

A semicolon's really supposed to go between independent clauses. You should be able to replace it with a period and have two complete sentences, but you can't here.

>Rocketing only feet away from the observer, pink strands of mane//

This says the pink strands of mane are rocketing, not that Dash is.

>the mare flicked wild messy mane back//

Missing word.

>her friend whom had been observing her//

That's not a spot for "whom."

>the girl whom had been watching//

That either.

>“Well?” She asked impatiently.//

Speech tags don't get capitalized.

>The other pegasus shyly brushes a lock of her mane//

Why are you switching to present tense?

Your perspective continues to bounce back and forth between them, and when it stays factual, that's fine, but the narration expresses the characters' opinions and impressions as if his own often enough that it's more of a limited narration, and head-hopping is a bad idea with that.

>She would ramble for hours and hours about various facts about the group that she was familiar with//

That's just awkwardly phrased, and it's pretty much repeating what the last sentence already said twice.

>Fluttershy didn’t mind though, she wasn’t a very skilled conversationalist//That comma's a splice. It's tacking together two complete sentences.


>her friends whom insisted she needed a backup plan//

You keep using "whom" where "who" is actually the correct choice.

You haven't marked this as an AU, but it diverges from canon quite a lot. Fluttershy couldn't attend many of Dash's events? Well, some things, like Fluttershy having to pass a flight test and both of them attending college, aren't explicitly contradicted by canon, but neither do them seem to be implied by it. You can get away with some of this, but the more and more it piles up, it gets harder to take on the whole.

>Spitefire//

Typo.

>one whom I have personally trained//

That's the only "whom" I've seen so far that is correct.

>Wonderbolts,” she paused for a moment so reporters could murmur amongst each other, “That//

The way you go out and back into speech with commas suggests the quote is one continuous sentence, but it clearly isn't, and you've capitalized "That."

>Rarity had gone on a designing spree and made on inspired by each of her friends.//

Typo.

>Clearing her throat, Rainbow’s loud voice//

This says her voice cleared her throat.

>“Thank you, Spitefire,” she paused//

Another typo, and your speech tag doesn't have a speaking action in it.

>Today, I’m here with some of the best flyers around whom have lead me to greatness.//

That just doesn't parse.

>her pet rabbit, Angel//

This kind of appositive needs commas on both sides or none at all.

It's kind of odd seeing Dash use semicolons in her letter. She doesn't seem like the type to know how, much less be inclined to.

>She had decided on a blue sweater than Rainbow had given her years ago as a Christmas present.//

Typo. And it's Hearth's Warming there.

>Pegasus//

Don't capitalize that.

>The bellboy had lead Fluttershy//

The past tense is "led."

>the banana colored pegasus//

You're using Fluttershy's perspective. Why would she describe herself this way?

>fluttershy//

Capitalization.

>for when whatever opened that door did//

Huh?

>paled blue//

Typo.

>T-thank//

Think about wha sound she'd actually repeat. There isn't a "t" sound in that word.

>segway//

segue

>speaking again, “any//

Capitalization.

>gentle patter//

>gentle smile//
These are only a sentence apart. Avoid close word repetition like this.

Okay, I took fewer and fewer notes as I read, since I was just seeing more of the same things. Don't take these notes as a comprehensive list. They're just examples.

Now the romance. It's hard to develop a good romance. It's not enough to just say one character loves the other. You have to prove it. All I know about Fluttershy is that she finds Rainbow attractive and like to watch her fly? But what does she actually like about her? What makes her think Rainbow is good relationship material, that they'd be compatible? Right near the end, you start to scratch the surface of that, when Fluttershy starts telling Rainbow all the times she admired her through their lives. That kind of anecdote is really where a romance can shine, since it shows them actually in love, but it needs much more detail.

From the other side, we get nothing. I have no idea what Dash likes about Fluttershy. It's a really cliched plot, too where one pony reveals a long-standing secret crush, and upon learning about it, the other pony either reveals the same, or just suddenly decides they're in love, too. You have to do something to stand out from the crowd of stories that all do this same thing. And the best way is to make their relationship really vibrant. How to accomplish that? Well, rather than spend a long time typing out a bunch of advice, I'll refer you to Aragon, who's written a good series of blogs on how to build a believable romance. They're linked from his homepage. I'd recommend reading through them.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2932

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

Right away, the story is a bit stagnant, since it's pretty heavily front-loaded with "to be" verbs. They're inherently boring, as nothing happens, and the beginning of a story is an espeecially important place to create an active feel and grab the reader's interest. You'd do well to rephrase these with active verbs where possible.

>“I noticed you were very tense around Cup Cake,” Fluttershy said.//

She didn't seem very tense. Paint a picture of it for me.

>First your filly goes missing//

She'd mentioned ponies disappearing in her dreams, but not that it happened in real life, too. Seems like that would have come up right away. It's also strange they assume Carrot left even though Pumpkin "disappeared." Why doesn't anyone think Carrot might be a disappearance as well?

>Losing your whole family//

Wait, what happened to Pound Cake?

>things - encouraging, loyal, competitive - but//

Please use proper dashes for cutoffs and asides. There's a brief guide to them at the top of this thread. In numerous places, you use hyphens were dashes are appropriate.

>Fluttershy decided she’d try to help Rainbow, starting with her worries about Cup Cake.//

This is redundant, since she goes on to do exactly that. You don't want to over-explain things.

>Sugar Cube Corner//

In canon, they spell "Sugarcube" as one word. This comes up again in later chapters.

>As she listened to Thunderlane rant//

This is the 5th sentence of this scene. It's the 4th in a row with an "as" clause. It's the 3rd in a row where that "as" clause starts the sentence. Beware getting structurally repetitive like this.

>highly-rated fliers//

Two-word modifiers that start with an -ly adverb don't need hyphens.

>They never invited Fluttershy, but it was their loss.//

I find this very confusing. I can't believe this is Fluttershy's thought process, so it must be Dash's. Indeed, this whole paragraph seems to relate things through Dash's eyes. Yet the previous paragraph was very much through Fluttershy's viewpoint. I didn't even know Dash was there until the second paragraph, after all. You don't want to bounce the perspective around like this. There's a section on head-hopping at the top of the thread that gives some rationale for that.

>the yellow pony//

And no matter which of them holds the perspective, neither one would have a reason to describe Fluttershy in such an external, formal way. You don't think of your best friend in such abstract terms, do you? Or yourself.

>The other pegasus//

Another very external reference for this limited a narrator.

>Rainbow said, exasperated//

Don't tell me she's exasperated. Demonstrte it. What does she do? How does she look?

>an empty honeycomb lying on the ground//

Wait, that's an odd thing to have just randomly lying around a shed.

>Fluttershy rushed to her, grabbing the baker around her barrel.//

>Fluttershy bolted forward, leaping over the platform’s edge with her forelegs stretched out.//
>A whoosh of wind knocked her mane into her eyes, stopping her in mid flight.//
See how you keep tacking those participial phrases onto the ends of sentences? Just the fact you keep using them plus you keep putting them in the same place makes this very repetitive. Authors of intermediate experience tend to overuse participles, and they stand out easily when repeated, since you don't encounter them that much in everyday conversations. They have a few attendant problems I'll likely see as well, if you keep using so many. In fact, I see one already. Note that participles make things happen at the same time. Yet in that first one, Fluttershy wouldn't grab Cup Cake until after rushing to her, yet you have them happening simultaneously.

I don't get why Dash is having so much trouble carrying Mrs. Cake. She's carried multiple ponies before.

>A curving cavern//

This whole paragraph, where you have paired alliteration, is severly undercutting the story's mood. Alliteration usually creates a playful feel, and that's precisely the opposite of what you want.

And then you try to get poetic with lots of rhymes, and to be honest, most of these rhymes are very forced to the point the language seems nonsensical. I get that being nonsensical is somewhat the point, but there's a fine line. This just sounds goofy, where it should be menacing or disorienting.

>Fluttershy ran her hoof along her sides to if she had been burned//

Missing word.

>significantly singed, or scarcely scorched//

Yeah, you're severely overdoing the alliteration.

>a few second before//

Typo.

>The unicorn stood besides her//

beside

The alliteration is more tolerable as a speech affectation of Rarity's, but in the narration, it's just annoying.

>attached to which was a slender thread that she and Rarity dangled from//

That's... kind of strange how you take pains to avoid one dangling preposition but not the other. I really don't mind either way, but this is inconsistent.

>one of the thread//

Typo.

>small, white//

These are hierarchical adjectives, so they don't need a comma. The (non-foolproof) test is to see whether they describe different aspects, or to see if they sound very awkward in reverse order. If the answer to those is yes, you probably don't need the comma.

It strikes me that aside from flowery language and having a sewing-themed weapon, Rarity doesn't seem like Rarity at all. If you're going to call her that, then have her be Rarity. Otherwise, just make an OC. Maybe Rarity's supposed to emulate a specific character from the manga? If so, it'd work better as an MLP crossover in the Magica Madoka fandom than the other way around.

>He hopped onto Rainbow and begin//

>for a few second//
Typos.

>Fluttershy had plenty of practice dragging the reckless pegasus home from Sweet Apple Acres, and hoisted her with ease.//

Wait, what? Then why did Rainbow Dash have so much trouble carrying Mrs. Cake? She's much stronger than Fluttershy.

What happened to Cup Cake? Maybe I just missed it, but I didn't see where she got returned home. And wouldn't Fluttershy and Dash want to check on her later? Rarity just glosses over it to say she's fine.

>What you saw with your very own eyes was this unicorn dispatch//

dispatching

>pegasi companions//

Noun adjuncts are singular. For instance, you say "ham sandwiches," not "hams sandwiches."

>bring out fresh binds//

Usually bonds or bindings.

>herd//

Most readers will assume "herd," but a group of ponies is actually a "string." Though I don't expect you to use that.

Now that I'm significantly into chapter 4, i have to wonder what the point is. Mrs. Cake hasn't been that big a deal in the story, and neither has Apple Bloom, yet you're dwelling at length on both. It's a rather different thing than Rarity's description of there being lots of witches around, and that they could always use more fighters to combat them. By focusing so heavily on one (who is already dead, no less), it's taking focus away from the bigger picture.

And now we're getting a ton of exposition about Fluttershy. Delivering it in one big batch like this is asking for lots of trouble. It's only marginally interesting, mostly because I don't see any relevance for it yet. Exposition works best when you dole it out a little at a time, as it becomes pertinent to the plot.

>blood shot//

bloodshot

>Where did you learn to do heal ponies//

Extraneous word.

>can enters//

Typo.

>But, Rarity talked Rainbow into it//

It's rare that a comma after a conjunction is used correctly. This one isn't.

>… And//

Don't leave a space after a leading ellipsis. You have several through here.

>Manure!?//

When you have a word italicized to show emphasis, it's preferred to include an exclamation mark or question mark on it in the italics.

>mail box//

mailbox

>roundtrip//

That's two words.

>Or, it was supposed to be.//

Lose the comma.

>A part of her wanted tell //

Missing word.

>No, there couldn’t, a witch wouldn’t, trap ponies here, that much is clear//

I get that you're putting the commas to show where the rhymed lines are, but it's coming across as really forced.

>I didn’t….//

You only need three dots. Four is really for citations in formal writing.

>some of her friend//

Typo.

>freshly-waxed//

You don't need hyphens on two-word phrases that being with an -ly adverb.

>All wrong.//

This is an occasional problem with the story, and I'll revisit it in more detail when I write up my closing discussion, but this scene goes into the third paragraph before I know what perspective it's in. The previous scene was in Fluttershy's, so the presumption will be that she continues to hold the viewpoint until there's evidence otherwise. It doesn't feel like her voicing here, so it probably has changed, but I don't get to find out who for a while. What that means is that I have to store up the whole scene to that point in my head, then reapply that context to it once I know. That's a pretty big thing to ask of a reader, and many will just gloss over it and lose the effect you're creating by having a limited narrator in the first place.

>I don’t think I’m done a great job of it//

Typo.

>protégé//

Applejack's female, so protégée.

>There’s been no reports//

You're mixing singular (has been) with plural (reports).

>So, she ignored it.//

No comma.

>pretending to the the stranger//

Typo.

>Fluttershy lost track of time//

Looks like you have an inadvertent line break here. Or maybe you need another.

>a lost expression was on her face//

Given the syntax you're trying to use, you shouldn't have that "was" there.

>The stranger grimaced against their binds.//

Again, either bonds or bindings would be much more typical.

>The swirling clouds of ink she figured were minions laid crumpled on the floor.//

"Laid" is transitive; it requires a direct object. You want "lay."

This chapter finally developed Rarity into more of the character we know than one who only bears a superficial resemblance to her, so good on that front. However, I'm not sure all these gimmicky chapters are that good an idea. I'd talked about how the one that kept resorting to alliteration undercut its own tone. Similarly, this one is presumably supposed to be a gimmick related to the witch's effect. It looks more like a screenplay, but I could also buy it as a libretto, which ties in to music. But it's focused on Rarity's viewpoint during the fight, meaning she experiences it like this. It's far more likely this would be from the witch's viewpoint, since it would choose to see things through this lens, yet what does it accomplish to use the witch's perspective? We don't even know who it is, much less have a desire to identify with it. I'll get back to this later when I discuss perspective at the end.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2933

>>2932
>Now that I think of it, I presume that tragedy was fresh on her mind.//
It's surprising that a lawyer worth his credentials would think this to be well-considered and not insist she get to a more stable frame of mind before redoing her will.

This also smacks of you putting Flim in the story by name only, just to have a recognizable one. He acts nothing like Flim. He's completely on the up-and-up, and he's not trying to scheme them out of anything.

>vaguely remembered extravagances and furbelows//

Rainbow's the only one present for this, so if you're indeed using a limited narrator, she's the only candidate. Yet this sounds nothing like word choices she'd make. And it does feel like limited narration through here, as it's full of subjective judgments.

>or for church//

Conceptually, I don't have a problem with there being churches in Equestria. But just be aware that it suggests a lot of world-building that the story never delivers. Plus it's very late in the story to introduce a pretty fundamental piece of world-building. Not that it'll be critical to the plot (in which case it's also extraneous), but the way Dash so casually mentions it also makes it something that's fairly pervasive in the culture, or something she has a personal familiarity with, neither of which is suggested.

>gas lights//

gaslights

>out of the way hallway//

You're using "out of the way" as a phrasal adjective, so hyphenate it.

>why on earth//

But they're not on Earth... Is it just an earth pony expression that's more generic? Seems odd for a pegasus to use it then.

>Fluttershy retreated from the map room, and decided she needed a smaller project to start off with.//

>she climbed the stairs and found her way to the master bedroom//
Note the inconsistent comma usage here. This is an intermittent issue throughout the story. In both cases, there's merely a compound verb, yet you use a comma in one and not the other. For a compound verb or subject, you usually don't need one. When you do use one is when you have a whole new subject-verb pair. Like in the first one, if you'd said "and she decided," then a comma would be appropriate.

>There was even a nice breeze coming from an open window//

Interesting. Dash had considered opening the window and explicitly did not. I trust this is intentional. But then nothing ever comes of it.

>Then, the doorbell rang.//

Another unnecessary comma after a conjunction.

>pretend-Fluttershy//

After the first couple of these, we get the picture. You can just call them by name.

>There was a half-empty bottle of cider//

You have a lot of these "there was" constructions in describing Dash's house. Despite getting repetitive, it also kills the momentum with inactive verbs.

>all-empty ones besides it//

Kind of a curious use of "besides." Are you sure you didn't mean "beside"?

>Then, she dumped the rest of the cider//

No comma.

>once in awhile//

You have to be careful choosing between "awhile" and "a while." The first is an adverb, and the second is a noun. They won't parse in the same places in sentences. This needs to be two words so you have a noun to be the object of the preposition "in."

>There used to be a brash, energetic, and most of all, happy pony, and she lived right here.//

All of this is pretty nebulous. If you want the reader to become invested in Dash's character, be more specific. What exactly happened to her? Why did that affect her the way it did? One or two examples will speak far louder than a sweeping generalization.

>Kyubey was besides her on the bed.//

Yeah, you're definitely confusing "beside" with "besides." Only "beside" describs a physical position. "Besides" means "in addition to" or "not taking into account."

>Searching for a change of topic, her attention fell on Applejack’s necklace.//

Beware dangling participles. This says that her attention was searching for a change of topic.

>Then, he said it was time for her to summon her weapon.//

No comma. Just do a Ctrl-f for "Then,".

>once familiar//

Another spot where you need to hyphenate a phrasal adjective.

>The Adventure Book//

Book titles get underlined or (preferably) italicized. You have a couple instances of it.

>The blue pegasus//

This scene's been in Dash's perspective. Why would she refer to herself in such an external, formal way?

>Phillydelphia//

It kind of loses the horse pun if you don't spell it "Fillydelphia." Plus that's the canon spelling, and you use it later on.

>Winesap’s daughter//

I'm assuming you wrote this before we knew her father's name to be Bright Mac. Would it be a big deal to change it? You get a pass anyway for it being an AU, but unless some part of the plot hinges on it being that name, there's no reason not to.

>I might want to see Apple Bloom, first.//

No need for that comma.

>Fluttershy caught up to her and besides her in silence.//

Even correcting that to "beside," it still wouldn't parse. You're missing a verb.

>who she thought had a blue coat//

Whom, though as this is Fluttershy's limited narration, it's up to you whether you want her to know that.

>Fluttersay//

Typo.

>Rainbow winced.//

Missing a line break here.

>the pegasus’s neck//

Another odd reference. Dash is Fluttershy's good friend, so why would she refer to her so impersonally?

>Rainbow tussled Fluttershy mane//

"Tussle" means to get into a fight. You want "tousle." And you're missing an apostrophe.

>where Applejack laid upside down//

lay

>graceful navigation of treacherous discussions//

You're starting to lose Dash's voice again. This doesn't sound like something she'd say, and limited narration is essentially internal dialogue.

>Only, they never did.//

No comma.

>Applejack’s head jerked up, and she glared at Rainbow. Rainbow met her gaze. Applejack broke the stare first and pulled herself off the chair. She continued walking to the middle of the room, where she stopped mid-stride. Her head drooped.//

This paragraph badly needs some variety. All of the sentences are short. All start with the subject. Only two have a dependent clause. None have any other sort of parenthetical element, like an aside, absolute phrase, or participial phrase. It doesn't take much seasoning to add a lot of flavor, and this is just bland.

>The smile faded away, and her head rolled back towards the floor.//

This is near the beginning of a long paragraph. There isn't any more narration in it. There isn't any narration in the next paragraph. There isn't any narration in the next three paragraphs after that. Monologuing has its place, but it's tougher to buy here. Applejack doesn't have any reason I've seen to sit perfectly still, and real people do things while they talk. And from the other side of it, you haven't given Dash a reason to be so riveted on it that she doesn't pay attention to anything else, which is a viable way to work it through the limited narration.

>everyday//

"Every day" and "everyday" aren't the same thing. The one you've chosen means "ordinary."

>Applejack grew quiet. Rainbow approached with hesitant steps and sat beside her. Rainbow reached out a foreleg and laid it on Applejack’s back. Applejack tensed and gave Rainbow a sidelong stare.//

And once we do finally get some narration, it's back to that plodding, repetitive structure.

>Or, you can also take//

No comma.

>side-to-side//

This isn't modifying something that comes after it, so you don't need the hyphens.

>Cup Dazzle//

And we've learned in canon her name was Chiffon Swirl. Really, if you went and edited this and changed Winesap to Bright Mac, what would it really hurt? And then you wouldn't have readers asking why you aren't in agreement with the show.

>So, you had a chance to revive somepony who did everything she could to deserve her life, and instead you wished away your own pain.//

Why doesn't Dash cut in her and explain her original plan. It'd help a bit, and I'd think she'd want to defend herself. It was her first instinct to save them, after all.

>getting a drink the cider bar//

Missing word.

>The air was cold as stone//

And since the encounter began, this is already the third time you've mentioned stone, and it's not done in a way that's obviously thematic, so it just comes across as an oversight.

This chapter reminds me of the earlier ones that have witch encounters formatted as poetry. Yet I can't make rhyme nor reason out of this one. I can't see the logic of how it's organized into lines. It's not by rhythm. there are a couple of rhymes, but nothing regularly spaced. I don't know what sort of atmosphere you're trying to create, so whatever your intent was it's lost on me. In fact, I was a little put off by the more readily identifiable poetry earlier, since while it rhymed, it had very irregular rhythm. And yet it had a kind of show tune feel to me, which can get away with that. Still, you want to be sure this formatting is accomplishing something. Different for the sake of different is pointless, and I'm not getting anything more than that out of it.

About this fire... Dash is on the weather team. Can't she go get a raincloud?

>Applejack huddled besides the entryway//

beside

Okay, I like this story. I know very little of Madoka Magica, so I can't tell if some of the story's quirks are meant to emulate it, but I didn't feel lost at all, which is a sign of an effective crossover. Especially the weirdness that comes in when they're in a labyrinth, which I'd guess is more likely to come from the manga, since what you're doing is very different from a visual effect. I do think the alliterative one, as I said, is harming the mood. As to the rest of them, I think there's also a perspective problem.

In fact, perspective was an issue in other places as well. I noted spots already, so I won't detail them again, only to say that you seem to write limited narration, so be careful that you're staying in a consistent viewpoint and not jumping around unnecessarily to different characters. And then those labyrinth scenes. I alluded to this before, but the one that seems like a screenplay fights the perspective as well, since the only one who would choose to experience it that way is the witch, yet none of the witches are explicitly in the story. So the scenes are structured to make it feel like Rarity or Fluttershy or whoever holds the perspective at the time is the one viewing it like that, and it just has a plausibility problem.

A related matter is when the limited narrator loses the voicing of the character he's supposed to represent, which most often happened with Dash.

Yet you've done a very good job of characterization. The only standout to me was Rarity, who, as I said, doesn't really come across as her until we've already been with her for a while. So for quite a bit of the time she's around, I'm wondering where her insistence on the finer things in life is, her need to adjust everyone else's wardrobe, and especially why she's so willing to leap right into a fight. Like Jumping down the throat, fighting a tongue, getting spit and blood all over her, and not complaining one bit? That's not the Rarity I know. Not that there couldn't be a reason why she's changed in this manner, but you have to present it. Don't just make her different and rely on me to come up with the reason why. That's your job.

There's not all that much that needs fixing, really. The most extensive bit is making the weird labyrinth narration (seriously, does the manga do that, because the anime doesn't) suit the perspective, and clean up the rhyme and rhythm of it, for that matter. But I could even let that drop as a stylistic thing if everything else got fixed up.

Ah, but there's the rub. You have that sex tag on the story, and not a hint of it has turned up so far. Because sex and gore are the two main ways stories violate our content guidelines, we need to see how bad it'll get. We can't post such things sight unseen. So I'd need to know how explicit that's going to get, either by getting a synopsis of that specific plot thread or by seeing a rough draft of the chapter(s) where it happens. Nothing in the extended synopsis of future chapters you sent us deals with this, either, so I'm flying totally blind on it, and I can't do that.

Finally, a word about the story description. You have another one of those erroneous commas after a conjunction ("So,"), and it's quite cliched to ask rhetorical questions, particularly to end on one.

You're well on your way to having this posted. It just needs some tweaks here and there (and please apply them to your future chapters as well, since a lot of those things are likely to be pervasive), and I'd need to know what all the sex tag will entail. If all that's satisfactory, I could definitely see posting this.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2936

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

I really don't see the point of putting whole chapters or even whole scenes in italics. I don't know what the italics are supposed to signify (flashbacks? personal thoughts?), plus italics are meant to show emphasis, and when everything is emphasized, nothing is.

>districts sat in the shadow of the proud, but kind edifice and the full moon would hang in the air in just the right place//

I have zero idea what this means. "Edifice" isn't the kind of thing that goes without an article; it's used here more like it's an abstract idea. And I'm just baffled at what "districts" is supposed to evoke.

>the moon above the midnight sky//

I'm not sure how the moon would be above the sky from his perspective. If he were in orbit, sure.

>The Crystal Ball had passed a few months ago and she had not danced.//

Needs a comma between the clauses.

>moon - the simple movement of the sky seemed to make him vanish - and//

Please use proper dashes for interruptions and asides, not hyphens.

>Sombra's gaze changed and she saw mischief in his eyes.//

Needs a comma.

>How on earth//

I'm not sure how that expression works in Equestria. If he were an earth pony, maybe, but he's a unicorn.

>you're dreadfully boring and standing here is certainly worthwhile isn't it?//

Missing a couple of commas.

>did a double take as she looked at King Sombra//

That's weirdly redundant and contradictory at the same time.

>her wariness broken and replaced with confusion//

You're using a limited narrator, so it's a bit off-putting to have her readily identify her emotion. That's not really how people experience it. To wit, if she's confused, it's more natural for her to try thinking her way through it or ask a question internally, not just to say she's confused.

>with slight disgust still visible//

And that's working against the perspective again. Her eyes are your camera. How can she see her own expression to evaluate it as disgust? You've even explicitly called it a visual thing.

>She too, felt stiff//

If you're going to use commas with "too," put them on both sides of it.

>He gave her a curious sideways glance and Cadance tried to remember what it was like having somepony who was taller than her.//

Needs a comma.

>Sombra noted that she sounded slightly sheepish//

Why are you switching to Sombra's perspective? The chapter didn't start there, and just as quickly, you go back to Cadence's. What was the value of being there? And if it has some, then surely it's worth staying there longer than a few paragraphs.

>When was the last time it was spoken?//

The tense is off here. It should be "had been spoken."

>with disinterest//

This isn't the same thing as saying he had no interest. It means he was once interested but no longer is, so make sure that's what you want.

>Cadance looked at her hooves and muttered something Sombra didn't hear and he promptly gave her another one of his curious looks that was best described as cat-like.//

And now the perspective is wavering badly. The narration identifies it as something he didn't hear before there's any evidence of such presented, which puts it in his viewpoint, but in the same sentence, there's a more external evaluation of his expression that'd seem to be more from Cadence. This also needs a comma between the clauses.

>Sighing, Cadance spoke up.//

The participle means these happen at the same time. It'd be strange for her to raise her voice while sighing.

>her not-quite-right smile//

Now you're back in Sombra's viewpoint.

>It'd take a lot explaining.//

Missing word.

>thirty two//

Needs a hyphen.

>Isn't a little weird to you that a gloomy ghost is telling me to lighten up...?//

That's a complete thought, so I don't know why she's trailing off with it.

>Cadance's smile was as it should be.//

Back into Sombra's viewpoint after having returned to Cadence's. I haven't been marking all the shifts. The perspective is really jumping around a lot.

>wither//

That's generally used as a collective term: on her withers.

>to signal the start of his interruption//

But he didn't interrupt her. She finished speaking.

>last question first//

Odd juxtaposition. I think dropping the "last" wouldn't harm anything.

>looking completely relaxed//

Back to Cadence's head.

>The moon's light could be obscured, after all and a cloud outside did the trick.//

Needs a comma.

>"W-Wh-"//

Two things: Only capitalize the first part of a stutter unless it's a word that has to be capitalized anyway. And since I don't know which word she was going to say, I don't know how to hear this. A "w" sound for "what" or "why"? An "h" sound for "who"?

>The next deep breath Cadance took was heard by both//

I have no idea which perspective this is, since neither one could definitively know that about the other without seeing evidence of it.

>her form glittering like a diamond//

Seems to be more from Sombra's viewpoint.

>Sombra's ghostly limb slipped into hers and she pulled him into the light.//

Needs a comma.

>I'm barely physically//

Physically what?

>He speaks the word with particular disgust, as though there's something about it he wants to dodge.//

Why is this in present tense? And narrative asides in quotes like this don't get capitalized or end punctuation (except possibly for an exclamation mark or question mark, if appropriate).

>She nodded into his wither.//

withers

>one who have//

Verb conjugation is off.

>Sombra felt Cadance nod.//

Now you're in his head again.

>Cadance was relieved//

Don't be so direct. If she's relieved, then in her own head, she's going to have a "thank goodness" or some such, not a blunt "I'm relieved."

At this point, I have to wonder if you're writing an AU where she isn't married to Shining Armor. He's conspicuously absent from her thoughts.

>Cadance's hooves hurt from the night's dancing and laying out on the floor wasn't as cold as Sombra's deathly cold touch//

Needs a comma, and lie/lay confusion.

>Unable to touch anything other than flesh and his own regalia, Sombra found himself unable//

Watch that close word repetition.

>the first that Cadance had seen the handsome stallion make//

He hadn't smiled in any of the prior chapters? I could swear I'd read it, and since you were using her as your limited narrator, if the narrator mentions it, it follows that she knows about it.

>He crossed his ghostly forehooves and his expression soured.//

Needs a comma.

>the solitary Empress//

This really smacks of having moved to his perspective, since it'd be really strange for her to refer to herself in such a manner.

>Sombra looked down at the solitary Empress sprawled across the floor, and listened to her laugh for a moment longer//

That's actually a spot that doesn't need the comma, since the verb "listened" doesn't get its own subject.

>as it its//

Typo.

>you had interrupted me//

Why is he injecting past perfect tense when responding to a past tense question?

>the use in the south//

Typo.

>The green piece of glass close to Sombra wouldn't budge in any pointless attempt to pick it up that he made.//

That's really awkwardly phrased.

>Quirky things like this were Auntie Luna's niche but she hadn't realized how lonely she'd been//

Needs a comma.

>She didn't let that thought finish and Sombra's gaze only left her when she looked at him again, holding an azure fragment of glass in her magic.//

Needs a comma. Also note that grammatically speaking, it first appears he's the one holding the glass, since the phrase is located closer to his mention. It's a tad ambiguous.

>Flurry's//

Ah, so Shining Armor is in the picture. Curious that he's never come up until now.

>Y-Yeah//

Only capitalize the first part of a stutter.

>She grew up and moved out and has her own kingdom.//

And the picture comes together. I don't see what's gained by hiding when the story takes place until now, but if you're attached to the idea, it's not a big deal.

>Instead of looking down sorrowfully, as Cadance was prone to do whenever social subjects involving other ponies came up, she perked up.//

That's phrased pretty externally to her, and it's oddly expository during a scene that hasn't been.

>Cadance's purple tipped wings//

You'd wandered into her perspective around here. It's really odd for her to comment on the color of her wings. Why would she even notice?

>I had guard when I ruled//

Seems like that should be "guards" or "a guard."

>The tall Goddess-Empress of the Crystal Empire, Mi Amore Cadenza//

Again, a strange way for her to refer to herself.

>k-know//

Consider what sound she'd actually repeat. There isn't even a "k" sound in that word.

>M-My//

Only capitalize the first one.

>trying to meet his calmed gaze//

You'll normally set off participial phrases with a comma.

>and Cadance nuzzled him back, once before wilting again//

Having a comma alone there is really strange. Either put another after "once" or drop this one.

>Sombry she was so young when it happened//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>Sombra leaned down to nuzzle her again and Cadance reached up a forehoof to stroke his fluffy face, no matter how cold he was, she felt comforted for the first time since the slow freeze of everything centuries ago.//

That first part needs a comma, and one of the two commas you have is a splice. It just depends on which part you want "no matter how cold he was" to go with.

>Cadance nodded, and thawed a little bit more.//

Unnecessary comma.

>he still had an actor's heart and his voice brought every word to life//

Needs a comma.

>It was a very silly thought, in fact, it was as silly as her eyes watering at the thought of her ghostly lover vanishing like all was a dream.//

Same deal: one of those commas is a splice, but it's up to you which one.

>a dusty vinyl//

A dusty vinyl what? Or is it common nowadays to use that word as a synonym for "record"?

>Was their distinguishing feature, their unreasonably short tails?//

Unnecessary comma.

>nine inch tail//

nine-inch

>cold. formal//

That period should be a comma.

>"Do lutes count as a genre?"//

Given what we know about the Crystal Empire's history, I'm surprised he doesn't have anything to say about flugelhorns.

>you had been reading to be//

Typo.

>your own husband//

So... they're married now? That's a rather abrupt change to the relationship. I guess I'll have to talk about this in a minute.

Well, I'm at the end, so I'll talk about it now!

I do see the progression of why Cadence ends up with him, though I'm still not exactly in touch with why. He offers her a connection to her past and is the only one who will dance with her. She does gradually act comfortable around him. But I never really get a sense of what she likes about him. Just that he's the only option does not good romance make. How is it that their personalities are compatible? What does she see as good relationship material in him? I don't know if you;ve seen it, but Aragon did a series of blog posts on how to do realistic romance, and he keeps them linked on his homepage. It might be worth going through that to make sure you have a solid romance.

It works both ways as well. From Sombra's side, all I can tell is that she's the only one who will talk to him, maybe the only one who can see him. But I have no idea what he likes about her, how he feels the mesh well together, other than they both like dancing. Now, there's something to be said for atmosphere conveying some of that. The times they play games or read together do show that they at least have a deep friendship, and that can work for portraying a relationship well after the formative stages, but the formative stages are precisely what the story is meant to document, so it feels like a big omission to leave that out.

For that matter, Sombra is evasive about his past, and he never answers her. I don't know how she lets him get away with sweeping it under the rug that he had a reign of terror over an enslaved and mind-controlled population, and probably would have killed Cadence, given the opportunity. But all that just gets shoved aside so Cadence can love him without any obstacles. That's a pretty glaring thing to overlook when deciding you can utterly trust someone.

It ended up not being so bad that Shining Armor didn't come into it until late, but make sure that works with the perspective. And a quick aside: the perspective does need to be ironed out quite a bit, as it skips back and forth between them almost constantly. But assuming you want Cadence to be the viewpoint character (she is at the point of the reveal, anyway), does she have a motivation to avoid even thinking about it so it won't show up in the narration? Sure she does. But that doesn't mean she can exercise complete control of her thoughts and keep it from ever coming up. As I noted, there are several places where it would have been natural for it to, so these are where some aborted intrusive thoughts might start up before she can tamp them down. That would make it feel more realistic, like she's struggling to keep her mind off it instead of being implausibly free of such thoughts.

I don't know how much you're willing to add to this, or if you want to keep it within what would have been allowed for the contest. Touching up the editing and perspective aren't really going to change the word count, but building up a more solid romance might, depending on whether you can cut other things to balance. But that and the jumpy perspective are really the big things here. I just didn't come away from the story with an understanding of why either of them would choose the other, and you're not trying to play it up as a dysfunctional thing. The atmosphere and characterization were good, so I'd just like to see a stronger foundation for the relationship.

Jay Bear!cSWoEWwnvI 2938

>>2932
>>2933

Author here! Thank you very much for the thorough critique. One of my goals with this story is to experiment with tone, style, and perspective, so it's especially helpful to see where those experiments don't work and distract from the story. That said, you also flagged a lot of things that weren't experiments and just need to be better written (chapter 1 in general, Rarity OOC in chapter 2, that infodump in chapter 4, etc.). I'll get to work on re-writing before asking any in-depth questions, since I'm sure I can resolve some questions on my own.

Regarding the Sex tag, I added that for the double entendre titles of Rarity's romance novels, and don't have plans to add anything else that would merit the tag. It sounds like I was being overly cautious with FimFic's tagging rules and can safely remove it, though.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2939

>>2938
I did find those different formats interesting, so I wouldn't call them failed experiments. It's just that they didn't quite fit the chosen perspective. The one with all the alliteration did create a confused feel, which would be right on target, except it did it in more of a comical way than a menacing one. It may well be that the witch sees the situation as comical, but then you'd need to be in her perspective to show that, and the witches aren't even shown as characters, so that's not possible. That said, they can be tweaked to show the experience of the perspective characters you chose.

Again let's take the alliterative one. Iirc, Fluttershy is the perspective character for that one. And she gets affected by the labyrinth enough that she starts speaking in alliteration as well, so it's not out of the question that it flows into her perception of what's happening. A similar effect happens later on as well, when the hunters speak in rhyme, or Fluttershy gets fooled by the fork in the road. So some of those would only take a minor tweak. Show it as the perspective character sees it, not as the witch does, and make the mood match. Rarity fighting the tongue monster is an example of one that did work well. The script-format one less so, since I don't know how writing it out as stage directions and labeled dialogue is supposed to inform my interpretation of how the perspective character at the time (I forget who it was) would perceive what was going on. I mean, what about the labyrinth would make it seem to that hunter that she was acting out a script? Writing it out as one doesn't quite do it, but there are other narrative tricks that might, like having the hunter feel like she was taking her fight cues from a director or something. I'm just spitballing here, but that's the kind of thought process you need here: how does the perspective character experience it?
This post was edited by its author on .

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2940

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>Thanks for walking me to the train station, daddy.//

When used as terms of address or effectively as names, family relations get capitalized.

>deep in her mane. He took a deep//

Try to avoid repeating all but the most mundane of words in a close space like this.

>to—” Pear Butter was cut off//

It's pretty redundant to narrate getting cut off when the punctuation already shows it.

>She spat her bag out and quickly crossed over to Grand Pear, planting a quick kiss on his cheek and running back to the train.//

Note that participles mean things happen at the same time, so she goes to Grand Pear, kisses him, and runs back simultaneously, where it's more reasonable for her to do that in a sequence.

>I love you, daddy!//

Capitalization of the family relation again.

>Even though his hooves felt like they were glued in place//

This is 8th paragraph, but it's the first that doesn't start with dialogue. Try and mix up the structure a bit for variety.

>tall, black//

These are hierarchical adjective, so they don't need a comma. The non-foolproof test is that if they describe different aspects of something, or if they sound really awkward in reverse order, you don't need the comma.

>the end of the last car raced past him, the bright red lights on the end//

Watch that repetition again.

>all he could do was lay still//

Lay/lie confusion. They're tough verbs to keep straight.

>In the exact same ritual he performed every morning//

You could use some more variety in your narration like this sentence. So many of your narrative sentences start with the subject. Most of your sentences probably will, but break them up hre and there. It doesn't take much to have a big impact.

This paragraph has its own couple of instances of repetition. There are two phrasings that get used twice:
>towards the house’s living areas
>towards the stove
>the house’s selection

>Breakfast was accounted for//

It's often hard to put my finger on exactly why something isn't working when it's purely related to the story's feel, but I'll try. The opening scene had more visual imagery than this, and there was tension. A good-bye, and we didn't know why, plus the action with the train kept interest up. Now, it's just Grand Pear going through his morning routine, and it's really dull. This paragraph is one of the worst offenders. It gives us quite a bit of detail, but it's detail that doesn't mean anything. None of these events or descriptions are going to be important to the plot. I can get that maybe you're deliberately trying to create a mood of boring routine, but that's very difficult to do while keeping the story entertaining. If you want to establish a sense of boredom, it's best to make it short.

>yesterday’s paper. If he remembered right, he still hadn’t looked at the financial section from yesterday’s edition.//

You don't need to say twice that it's from yesterday.

>Her expression was somewhere between concern and caution.//

It's fairly abstract to mention the mood, because there are lots of ways that could look. Describe it. Show me your vision of it and let me deduce the emotion on my own. If you do it well, I'll get where you want me to go.

>keeping his eyes fixated on the newspaper//

That's not really a place for "fixated." "Fixed" is more what you want.

>Grand paused for a moment//

>He paused for a moment//
These are in consecutive sentences.

>The percolator began to whistle quietly, signifying that the coffee was almost ready.//

Don't over-explain things. Let the facts speak for themselves. Even if I didn't know a percolator whistled, his reaction to it will tell me.

>he could tell that she wasn’t too pleased with his appraisal of the significance of the dreams//

How so? Let me see what she's doing. Don't just sum it up and draw the conclusion for me. It's less real that way.

>that family?//

When you italicize something for emphasis, it's preferred to include any question marks or exclamation marks on it in the italics.

>with eyes full some emotion he couldn’t quite place. Shock? Pity? Guilt?//

Missing word. Also, this places you well within the realm of a limited narrator. The narration is vocalizing Grand's thoughts for him. This really is the key to those moments of boring routine. Show his inner turmoil through the tone the narration takes, and contrast that with the boring exterior. Use the limited narrator to its full advantage.

>handful//

What's that to a pony?

>he was the one that broke//

When referring to a sentient being, it's preferred to use "who" instead of "that."

>No, he couldn’t do that.//

This scene is doing a much better job of keeping tension and interest up through the narrative tone. If you can make the previous scene more like this one, it'd do a lot better.

>They’d understand, he thought.//

Okay, if you're going to have the narrator state his thoughts for him, then it's odd to also have quoted thoughts. They create different levels of distance from the reader.

>rummaging through his bag//

>rummaged through them//
These occur close enough together for a word that unusual that it feels repetitive.

>Dear Grand Pear,//

The bbcode you're using to do this formatting puts a bar down the left side, which just looks strange. Check out the bbcode guide on the site. It supports a couple different indent ones which would probably create the effect you want.

>I’ll be taking custody of the foals//

Not sure she'd actually use that term. Big Mac wasn't very young anymore when Apple Bloom was born. I don't know that he could be called a foal at that point. Applejack, maybe.

>He’d been so dumbfounded that he forgot to breathe//

You mentioned a full minute going by. You might want to shorten that. A minute's past "forgetting to breathe" territory.

>His throat began to tighten up, and he knew that it would only be a few seconds before his eyes flooded with tears.//

The limited narration (and his quoted thoughts, for that matter) sound rather sedate for what should be a big emotional moment. Compare to that bit I excerpted earlier, where Grad was asking questions in the narration. Let the narration carry his mood and show his passion.

>eased, and the tightness that he felt throughout his body began to ease//

Close word repetition.

>around the store//

>everything around him//
>all around him//
All that is in the same paragraph.

>with it out of his sight//

"It" is singular, but he knocked more than one thing to the floor.

>the payment method; in this case, a money order//

The semicolon isn't used right, since what comes after it couldn't stand as a complete sentence.

>placed a single twenty-bit coin on the counter while Grand placed//

Close word repetition.

>He could easily see that she wasn’t so convinced.//

How so? What does she do?

I'm still seeing that if a paragraph contains dialogue, it always begins with the dialogue. A little variety always helps.

>one of the taps on the bar//

It's self-evident that's where they'd be, plus it's already the third time in the chapter you've used "bar."

>no-time//

No reason to hyphenate that.

>still didn’t feel any different otherwise//

The "still" and "otherwise" are fairly redundant, and then you have another "still" in the next sentence.

>it sucked//

Kind of odd seeing someone of his generation using that term but it's up to you.

>Grand paused to pound another shot down.//

But Gerry cut him off, and you haven't said anything since then to change that.

>Not that it phased Grand.//

fazed

>the fu- from//

Use a proper dash for cutoffs and asides, not a hyphen.

>funeral…” Grand trailed off//

It's pretty redundant to narrate trailing off when the punctuation already indicates it.

>Gerry looked away from Grand.//

When did he look at Grand? Last time you said what he was doing, he was keeping himself occupied so he didn't have to pay attention.

>fuzziness in his sight//

You just mentioned "fuzz" two paragraphs ago.

>I screwed up, Gerry.”//

When his dialogue bridges across paragraphs, you need to renew the opening quotes on each paragraph.

>Even through the fuzz in his mind//

More fuzz already?

>as he sat on his cold metal bench, watching as dozens of ponies rushed back and forth//

It's really clunky to have multiple "as" clauses in the same sentence. They fight each other for setting the timeline.

>So long as he avoided letting anypony smell the liquor on his breath and walked a straight line, he’d be home free.//

I don't get this. They won't let drunk ponies ride the train? Why not? It isn't dangerous.

>quickly. He’d still have time to grab a quick//

>a bit too far inward, and he stumbled a bit//
Repetition.

>The mare in the window looked on with disinterest as Grand turned away from her slowly and began walking away slowly at first, and then began to increase his pace, his steps becoming more and more wobbly and disconcerted as he picked up speed.//

The way this is phrased, she keeps watching him the whole time, but I don't know how he could tell that.

>back over onto his back//

Repetition. You also use "still" twice in this paragraph. You have 22 uses of "still" in the chapter, which is tending toward overuse.

>“What?”

Include the question mark in the italics.

>laying back flat on her head//

You need "lying" here.

>wrapped him in a tight hug//

>wrapped tightly in each other’s embrace//
These are only two paragraphs apart.

>Her embrace was just about the only place he felt safe enough to let it out.//

The line break is off here.

I'll just check another couple of words that it feels like I'm seeing a lot in this chapter. Look: 25, just: 32.

>Péra wrapped a hoof around his shoulders//

And now more wrapping.

>detailed a lot of the little details//

That seems self-explanatory.

>In a couple of hours time//

This should be phrased as a possessive: In a couple of hours' time.

>The gate swung open, its lightly rusted hinges groaning quietly as they were brought to life. Grand Pear stepped through the entrance, his hooves crunching in the gravel as he made his way slowly forward. His legs were killing him after the walk to get here, each step hindered by stiffness in his joints, but it wasn’t quite time to rest.//

Look how repetitive your sentence structure is here.
1. main clause, absolute phrase, dependent "as" clause
2. main clause, absolute phrase, dependent "as" clause
3. main clause, absolute phrase, dependent clause

>patches of snow left over, but those would be gone in just a few days. Patches//

Repetition. I'm not even pointing out all the instances of repetition, just examples.

>there was one single wilting red flower already needed trimming//

Missing word.

>carefully-trimmed//

You don't need to hyphenate two-word phrases starting with an -ly adverb.

>were only starting to bloom//

>was just starting to sprout//
These are in consecutive paragraphs.

>just wasn’t much work to do to the grave. In just a few minutes, it already looked just//

See what I mean about overusing "just"? It isn't only the raw numbers, but how they can tend to turn up in clusters.

>But it’s too late. You’re gone, and there’s nothing I can do.”//

You need opening quotes on this, since it starts a new paragraph.

>the growing chorus of sobs//

Don't oversell this. Power often comes through being understated.

This isn't a bad redemption-type story, but it should be obvious from what I had to mention multiple times what the problems are. There's lots of repetition, and the first few scenes of chapter 1 are boring. What I think it's still missing, though, is more about Pera. She encouraged Grand to visit the Apples, he seemed receptive to it, and then we skip ahead in time to where she's dead, and he still has never gone for vague reasons.

It's like that sobbing at the end. There's more than is required to make the story work. Yeah, maybe you're trying to fit canon, but even that's easy to get around. Maybe Pera goes with him, but he didn't expect to be approached by the Apples, so he got caught by surprise without her. That'd work fine. Throwing in needless tragedy makes a story harder to take as realistic, and thus it can easily have the opposite effect than the author intended: it makes the story less sad because it's harder to relate to.

At the very least, we need some more concrete reason why Grand delayed so much longer (I don't even get a sense of how much later it is), and then consider how much it actually serves the plot to have Pera dead. It doesn't change his attitude toward his daughter, after all.
This post was edited by its author on .

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2948

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>pairs - including//

Please use a proper dash for asides and interruptions.

>The woman//

You've now identified her as Twilight, so why persist in using vague descriptors for her?

>it’s feeble magic depleted//

Its/it's confusion.

>here,” Discord eyed Twilight with his piercing gaze//

Your speech tag has no speaking verb. You can't tack just any action onto dialogue with a comma.

>Princess?//

When you italicize a word for emphasis, it's preferred to include any exclamation marks or question marks on it in the italics.

>Finally, she turned to Discord and nodded.//

This is the last sentence of the first scene and about a quarter of the way through the story. It's also the first narrative sentence that doesn't start with the subject. It's a very aesthetic thing, but the sentence structures in this story are very plodding and repetitive. SO many of them start with the subject, and so many of them are about the same length. You have to throw a little variety in there just to give the story a pleasant flow. That's my biggest issue with the story so far: it doesn't have any sort of lyrical quality to the narration. It reads more like a list of actions.

>Discord and Twilight sat across from one another at the dining room table. Two cups of steaming hot tea sat in front of them. Twilight cupped the beverage in her hands and watched Discord.//

Try to avoid close repetition of words, too. This happened in a few places. In this example, you have two uses of "sat" in consecutive sentences, and two uses of some form of "cup."

>His signature goatee survived the transition nicely//

You have a bit of dissonance in the narrative voice. Basically, you need to decide whether you want a limited narrator who's telling the story through Twilight's eyes or a limited narrator who's external to everyone. This sounds very much like one of Twilight's thoughts, so would be limited, yet the story started out sounding very omniscient, giving descriptions Twilight herself wouldn't make, like referring to her as "the woman" and listing details about her jewelry.

>“So…” she traced the lines on the table with her eyes.//

You keep using non-speaking actions as dialogue tags.

>“About six months or so.” Discord said matter-of-factly.//

That first period needs to be a comma.

>... Ten//

Don't put a space after a leading ellipsis.

>They gave me money and sometimes food. Never more than enough to last the day, though.//

Missing your closing quotation marks.

You're using a ton of ellipses in Twilight's dialogue. They're like seasonings. A little adds flavor, but too much is overwhelming. You want the reader remembering what happened, not that he saw a bunch of ellipses.

>Twilight choked back a sob as a tear slide down her cheek.//

Three things: 1) that's a very abrupt change of mood, from being not even upset to full-on sobbing, 2) there's a typo, and 3) that single tear is about the most cliched thing possible.

>Her eyes were red, puffy, and wet.//

Going back to perspective, if you're using a limited narrator in her viewpoint, she might know her eyes were wet, but she can't see them. How would she know they were red and puffy?

>Humans and Ponies//

Not sure why you're capitalizing those.

>She ran her fingers over several textbooks of various subjects.//

This is a symptom of a larger issue. When you leave things so vague like this, it has very limited impact. Give a couple of examples, attach some emotion to them. Maybe one was from the calculus class where someone asked her on a date for the first time, maybe another was from the English class where she couldn't bring herself to read a poem she'd written, so the teacher did it for her, and everyone loved it. Little windows into her life like that with the kinds of details to bring it alive are how you really engage a reader. A couple of brief examples will always be more powerful than a generalization. This goes for whoever her romantic interest is. We've just gotten generic statements that he looked out for her, but that doesn't paint a picture at all. Let me see a couple of times he did so I get to witness them, not simply have to accept the narrator's assurances that they were appropriately touching.

>concealed the slumbering form of a young girl//

This is very external again. She's not going to refer to her own daughter as "a young girl" in her own thoughts.

>You're also a grandmother now!//

That's a strange sentiment. Celestia isn't her mother, and nowhere in the story has she expressed that she considers Celestia like one, so this is just coming out of nowhere.

>but let's try this…//

It's far less reasonable to put an ellipsis in something she's written that something she says. In speech, people trail off for various reasons, none of which apply to writing, and it's not a very deliberate thing. But in a letter, she'd have to make a conscious decision to put the three dots on the page, and she must think she's accomplishing something by doing so, but I can't imagine what that is. It's a very iffy prospect to put speech affectations into something a character has written.

>Celestia paced relentlessly across the stone floor of her courtroom.//

Wait, we were just on Earth. Why are you skipping over to Equestria? That's a very jarring transition. There are ways to make this kind of thing work, but to suddenly drop it in just makes things a little confusing.

>the wailing alicorn//

If you go over the top, you risk making the emotion feel unrealistic. Where tragedy is concerned, less is often more. Giving the character an extreme reaction doesn't make it more sad. It just makes it less authentic.

>Give my regards to all of my friends, my parents, Shining, Cadance, and Spike.//

And this is the bit that the story never explains. She's known Spike for somewhere around 20 years. She's been on Earth for 10. I would think she'd have a greater attachment to Spike than this, but she glosses over it like she can just send a hello to him, and he'll understand.

>each of you are//

"Each" is considered singular, so use "is."

This is an interesting idea for a story, but the narration never really decides what it wants to be, it's very repetitive structurally (to get a feel for that, try reading it out loud, especially if you skip the dialogue), and Twilight seems very dismissive at the end about what she's giving up in Equestria. Part of engaging with a character is getting involved with her struggle, but we don't see it here. Twilight learns that Discord can take her back, he says he needs a decision, and we cut to her calmly informing Celestia of what she decided. All that turmoil occurred off camera, yet that's what gives the story its strength. You're asking the reader to come up with that investment for you, but it's the author's job to show his vision of it. It's another example of how you diminish the story's power by sticking to vagaries instead of letting me witness the key moments that form the story's emotional basis. If it's important to the story's emotional arc, don't skip past it and make me imagine how it must have gone.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2955

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

There are a couple of impressions I have immediately. The writing's good, but there are some quirks and stylistic things that detract from it.

You use Radagast's name so frequently that it gets off-putting. In the first scene, he's the only character there, so it's not ambiguous to use "he." It can sound forced to use names more often than is necessary.

The next thing is the preponderance of "to be" verbs. Right away, your paragraphs have so many instances of "was." Between that and "wasn't," you have 95 of them in the first chapter alone, and that just continues. That's a very boring verb, as nothing happens. It's not practical to remove them all, but you really should be using active verbs where you can. It makes the story more interesting. You use other forms of it as well, but for "was/wasn't" alone there's one about every 3 sentences. That's not terrible, but they tend to turn up in clumps, which makes the story's momentum stagnate.

I also don't get a good impression of Radagast's size. He's small enough that the rabbits can pull him on a sled, but I don't know that a couple dozen could pull a full-grown human. So is he not much bigger than the rabbits? Just having some sort of reference where he's near something of a known size would give a better picture of him. Or just saying he's a human, I guess.

>the wizard//

You're taking a fairly shallow limited narration in Radagast's perspective, so the narration is essentially his train of thought. Why would he refer to himself with such an external phrasing like this? People don't do that.

>became more dense, and shrubs started to become//

Try to avoid repeating a word close together like that, unless it's a themtic repetition.

>he could see//

>The wizard knew//
This is a subtle thing, but a limited narrator is so connected to the character that they have the same perceptions and knowledge. So it's not necessary to say he could see something. Just the fact that the narrator describes it means that he saw it. And just because the narrator says something means that he knew it. When you force in these perception and knowledge verbs, you push the narrator farther from the character, which works against the point of having a limited narrator.

>then he lay still.

>
>Radagast lay on his back on the ground//
Close word repetition again. I won't keep marking these, so keep an eye out for them.

>Wasn’t that the way the storm was coming from?//

You've spent the whole scene in Radagast's perspective so far. Why are you switching over the the rabbits' perspective? And you don't even stay there.

>brusque pace//

I have to think you meant brisk.

>Gandalf had been paying him a visit//

Another thing about "to be" verbs is that they're often used unnecessarily as auxiliary verbs. If you changed this to "Gandalf had paid him a visit," what do you lose?

>someone— dangerous?//

Extraneous space after the dash.

You have lots of questionable semicolons. Ideally, you should be able to replace one with a period and have both resulting sentences stand as complete.

>the pony had no idea what the birds’ names where.//

Typo. And it's getting really obtrusive here that you're apparently taking her perspective, yet you have her refer to herself as "the pony." The scene started out in a strange conversational-sounding narrator with no identifiable perspective, and he's still trying to be omniscient while taking on Fluttershy's stream of thought at times.

>she realized that her eyes were unseeing

>
>“I-I can’t see!” she said//
That's pretty redundant. It's also really odd that this wasn't the very first things she noticed. It's not like she'd been holding her eyes shut.

>The pony felt worry and anxiety leap upon her every nerve.//

You really need to avoid always directly identifying emotion like this. I don't doubt this is consistent with Tolkein, but it does stand out as not being very engaging. Show me how she acts and looks, or what she thinks. It doesn't connect me to the character to know abstractly that she's worried and anxious.

>But the sounds of her friends’ names where the only things accompanying her.//

Same typo as before. You seem to have a consistent issue with where and were.

>The pony, scared as she was, forced her to concentrate//

That "her" should be a "herself."

>the pony realized that she wasn’t where she thought she was.

>
>“I am not in Ponyville anymore, am I?”//
Redundant again.

>A single tear rolled from the corner of her hazy eye.//

This is one of the most cliched things possible.

>in the merciless nature//

That's just a strange phrasing.

>At the rim of the black circle of burnt leaves, two squirrels gathered and looked curiously at the pony.//

This is strange with the perspective. You'd apparently been using Fluttershy as a limited narrator, but now you're having the narrator describe things she can't see.

>The wind started blowing fierce.//

fiercely

>She couldn’t fight or flight//

In that syntax, you'd use flee, not flight.

>unconsciousness pony//

You have a noun where you need an adjective.

>where the scared little rabbits were going to; back to his home.//

You should get rid of that first "to," and a colon would be more appropriate than a semicolon, since you're defining or clarifying their destination.

>thick, purple carpet//

Just because you have multiple adjectives doesn't mean you need a comma. When they describe completely different aspects of something, like these do, they're hierarchical adjectives and don't use a comma.

>Luna’s full moon//

It's very cliched to refer to the sun and moon as belonging to the princesses.

>but Rarity’s reaction had to do with her mane//

I don't understand what you mean Rarity's doing here.

Let me back up to an earlier sentence:
>A collective moan indicated that nopony was yet able to talk//
Rainbow Dash is, because she'd already spoken. However, the narration seems to be taking her perspective in this scene, and then this sentence works. She's worried about everyone else, and none of them can talk yet, and it's natural she might not include herself in this statement. So far, so good. But if you're in Rainbow Dash's perspective, it needs to sound like her as well. To make an extreme example, say you have Apple Bloom as your perspective character. It would feel out of place to have her limited narration (essentially her stream of thought) go on with very purple and florid language. Same thing here. A lot of this scene just doesn't sound like word and phrase choices that Dash would make.

>the alicorn//

And you're doing this same thing you did last chapter. This is a very impersonal reference. Dash knows Twilight well, so why would she choose to describe her this way? Do you think of your best friend as "the person" in your own thoughts? That's how unnatural this is.

>arc//

You keep referring to this, but it has a meaning related to lightning and electricity as well, and since those things are also used in this part of the story, it gets confusing. I thought you actually meant there was an electrical arc in the room. You might want to use "arch" to describe the piece of the machine.

>nothing to severe//

Too/to confusion.

>done a few paces//

That's a strange phrasing.

>Rainbow Dash let out a sigh of annoyance.//

Really, really, really try to avoid using these "in/of/with emotion" phrases. For one thing, it's better to have the character demonstrate that emotion than to simply have the narrator state it, but these particular phrases are usually redundant with something already in the sentence. The sigh in context can already paint her as annoyed. If you don't think it's enough, you could add a bit more body language, but it's apparent she's annoyed anyway, without you having to point it out.

>A search it is, then.//

This seems awfully stoic and calm for Twilight.

>reckon//

Kind of an odd word choice for Pinkie.

>Although Starlight Glimmer had a dozen more questions to ask Twilight, she saw that her master wouldn’t say anything more. Twilight hated drawing conclusions on suspicions.//

Okay, I can at least see the value in changing from Dash's perspective to Twilight's. At the beginning of the scene, Dash was the only one who was aware enough to witness what was happening. Then you want the camera to stay behind after Dash leaves, so you go to Twilight. But why do you need to go to Starlight here?

Why are these two going on and on about the machine being destroyed when Twilight's already acknowledged that Fluttershy is gone? Isn't that the more immediate concern?

>When the rubble was cleared and sorted, Twilight—with pain in her heart—decided to break a few dangling cables and sharp pieces of metal off the machine//

More unusual sentence elements stand out when repeated, so you don't want them to become writing quirks. This is already the third narrative aside of the paragraph.

>Only when that was done did the two unicorns proceed to cleaning up the study.//

This paragraph is just loaded with passive voice. That's not a very interesting structure to read.

>called: The Chronicles of Starswirl the Bearded Volume One//

You don't need that colon.

>disappointment was etched on everypony’s faces//

I haven't been marking every instance of this I see. In fact, I'm not marking many of them at all. But aside from not demonstrating the emotion, it's repetitive with Starlight being described as having a "hint of disappointment" just 3 paragraphs ago.

>I’m terribly sorry, twilight//

Capitalization.

>taking the word//

I have no idea what this means. Is it a foreign idiom?

>but neither of us has been able to find the poor darling//

The use of "neither" implies 2, but 4 of them have been looking.

>although the alicorn did her best to hide her lack of it//

And now you've gone back to Twilight's perspective. Plus used a reference that doesn't work well with it.

>as she saw that there were now two ponies missing. “Hasn’t Pinkie Pie returned yet?”//

But you haven't mentioned Dash coming back yet. Is she there?

>Fluttershy’s cabin//

It's not really a cabin. I've most often seen it described as a cottage.

>now completed circle//

When you use a multi-word phrase like "now completed" as a single modifier for a word that follows it, hyphenate the phrase.

>noticing the alicorn’s strange reaction//

Now I have no idea what perspective you're using. Twilight wouldn't describe her own reaction as strange, but you haven't taken on anyone else's viewpoint.

>opposite of the thrones//

When you're using "opposite" to describe a physical location, you typically don't use "of" with it.

>I will first tell you what the machine is and what it does//

This is just the portal machine, right? Don't they already know what it does?

>receiving many odd stared//

Typo.

>Rarity wanted to take the word.//

There's that strange idiom.

>one of Moondancer’s book//

books

>magically-amplified//

This is actually the exception. You don't ned hyphens in two-word phrases when the first word is an -ly adverb.

>Pinkie’s eyes tripled in size, and she munched away another cupcake without taking her eyes off Twilight Sparkle, captivated by the tale.//

By proximity, it sounds like Twilight is the one captivated by the tale.

>I had teleported Frodo Baggins, a character from the book, The Lord of the Rings, written by J.R.R. Tolkien, into Equestria using the machine.//

Wait, what? Why not just have Middle Earth be a real alternate universe? What does it add to have it be a fictional world? It's kind of an odd choice, since MLP is itself fictional, or are you playing it as real? And is Tolkein a pony author? Or is he from the EqG world?

>Suddenly, she wished that nopony would be looking at her.//

Now you're in Dash's head. Plus it's pointless to have her and Twilight both bring up that they had some great adventures, then say absolutely nothing about them. It's a useless tease.

>phase two. The face//

Typo.

>reaction..//

Extra period.

>But whether her pony friends were really indignant, she couldn’t tell.//

This would seem to be in Starlight's perspective. Really, jumping around to different characters like this is fine in an omniscient narration, and if that's what you want to use, then just be careful to keep opinions out of the narration and don't express character thought through narration. And in that case, those references like "the alicorn" would also work, provided you don't us them too often. So it's probably easiest to make sure your narration stays omniscient.

>“It would have been nice to get rid of you for a while.”//

Why in the world does Rarity say this? It's just mean, and it's for no reason.

>a poor little filly//

And this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say the narration sounds limited. This is Dash's impression and thought process made into narration. When the narrator states Dash's opinion as if his own, he essentially becomes her. If you want it to stay omniscient, you have to avoid that. Keep the narration factual and attribute opinions explicitly to the characters.

>ever-slinking pile//

That means the pile is sneaking around. I have to think you meant "shrinking."

>Even Starlight had no words for such a theory.//

Why is this so hard for her to comprehend? Isn't it the most obvious explanation?

>Resting two hooves on the table, Twilight’s head was flopped down upon them//

This says Twilight's head was resting two hooves on the table.

>Sometimes her shoulder shocked//

I'm guessing you meant "shook."

>she was not going to leave her friend down//

let her friend down

>She had taken a few days off the weather squad//

She had taken a few days off from the weather squad

>start from scrap//

You might have meant "start from scratch," though it could have a valid meaning as is.

>Feeling the burden of guilt weighing on her shoulders, Twilight’s head dropped again//

Similar to before, this says her head felt the burden of guilt, not that Twilight did.

>No silence this time, but a flurry of questions, aimed directly at Starlight Glimmer.//

It's also sentence fragments like this that create a conversational tone and suggest a limited rather than an omniscient narration.

>Not ponies or zebra’s or griffons//

Why is one of those a possessive?

>East//

Why do you keep capitalizing this direction?

Well, with all this discussion about where Dash wanted to go in the books, it's more justified that it's a fictional world, but it does beg the question: we've seen in canon that they have magic comics that can draw you in to experience the adventure. It's a shorter path to having such books as well than to say Twilight built a machine that can take them into fictional worlds. She's pretty much reinventing something that already exists.

>I don’t want to tell too much about it.//

I don't understand why she wouldn't want to. She's not trying to keep a secret.

>Sugarcube//

That wouldn't be capitalized, as it's a generic term of endearment.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2956

>>2955
>tiny, wooden//
Hierarchical adjectives again. You don't need the comma.

>one of them had fallen down and spilled honey and broken combs on the grass//

You mention this after saying they're all shaking and shuddering, so is the broken one doing that too?

I'm not familiar enough with Tolein to know whether he uses an omniscient narrator with personality, so it may be you're just doing the same as he did. But there's a bit if a disconnect. Take this line from the beginning of chapter 3:
>From a small clearing arose a tiny, wooden cabin, barely standing out against the surrounding pine trees.//
This sounds like the point of view of someone not familiar with the place. A lot of the first paragraph seems so. It's definitely opinionated, but it's a stretch to say it's Radagast's opinion. Then later we get these:
>Yes, she was still breathing. He put a hand on her breast. Yes, she her heart was still beating.//
That's directly from Radagast's thoughts, not some external narrator, so it's inconsistent in how it uses the narrative voice.

>Folding back the wing, Radagast turned around and began pacing to and fro/

Note that participial phrases, like "folding back the wing," mean that the action they describe is simultaneous to the part of the sentence they're attached to. So you have him folding back the wing at the same time he's pacing, where it's more likely he'd do them one after the other.

>A few birds came flying down their branches//

Missing a "from."

>put in on the table//

Typo.

>and stared at the wizard with tilted heads//

They just did that 2 paragraphs ago.

>He searched for the word, ‘wing,’ but found nothing useful. Then he searched for, ‘bird,’//

You don't need the comma before either quote.

>Radagast had all gained them//

A more typical phrasing would be "Radagast had gained them all."

>probably to the vegetable garden to save what could be saved from the destructive storm//

I thought they didn't like getting wet.

>she felt panic flash its tendrils around her chest//

You've been staying with Radagast's thoughts and impression, but this is definitely hers. There's no way he would know this, at least as you've stated it. It's no adeduction he's making from evidence; it's just stated as a fact, which would require him to read her mind.

>the yellow pony//

And if you are going to her perspective for some vital reason, it'd be odd fer her to describe herself this way. People don't think of themselves in so external terms.

>Grabbing some lettuce, some carrots, and filling a bowl with water from a barrel, he returned and put both food and drink down next to the bed.//

Here's another spot where participial phrases are synchronizing things that shouldn't be.

>she could see again//

You're definitely back in her viewpoint, as Radagast never knew that she couldn't see.

>the rain lost its their cloudy allies//

Extraneous word.

>that, ”//

Extraneous space.

>already having displaying//

The verb form is off. It'd be "having displayed."

>It reminded her of home and all of the other animals she called her friends.//

I can't keep marking these. Suffice it to say you need to get a handle on keeping a consistent perspective or on keeping the narration omniscient.

>smell atop the smell//

Watch that close repetition.

>“Gandalf, on the other hand”—Radagast closed his eyes and let out a chuckle—“is//

Note that the difference between the placement of dashes you use here and putting them with the speech is whether he stops speaking for the action. The one you've chosen means the speech doesn't stop, so he keeps speaking through the chuckling. Make sure that's what you intended.

>Saruman the White//

Note how you capitalize the colors with the names, yet when he first gave his name as "Radagast the brown," he didn't.

>the centaur which//

When talking about sentient creatures, it's preferred to use "who" intead of "that" or "which."

>It has simply… vanished and forgotten.//

The verb forms don't quite make sense there. The ring has vanished, that's true, but it hasn't forgotten. It's been forgotten.

>d-d-dark lord//

Why isn't it capitalized here?

>to whom we are speaking and listening to//

Since you have that first "to," you don't need the second one.

Here's the thing that confuses me a bit. Horses exist in our world, so we came up with MLP as a fantasy version of that. But how does someone in Equestria invent all these humanoid races when such things don't really exist in Equestria? Minotaurs aren't that far off, but still, whereas elves and dwarves and orcs and such are variations on humans, they aren't variations on something they'd be familiar with. Not that this is something the reader can't just accept and move past, but it does strike me as a little odd. It's just another thing poking me in the brain and making me wonder why you didn't just make Middle Earth an alternate universe they can travel to instead of a fictional one.

>Forgotten, or reluctant?//

You're definitely in Fluttershy's perspective here, which makes the following problematic:
>Having read only a small portion of the trilogy, Fluttershy hadn’t reached the part of the book were Radagast was mentioned—which wasn’t long at all. Barely a few sentences were written about Radagast the Brown in Tolkien’s trilogy, but that didn’t stop Radagast from existing right before Fluttershy’s nose.//
If the limited narrator is in Fluttershy's perspective, he can't know things she doesn't. Yet he's clearly giving information on part of the books that she hasn't gotten to.

>dug through the dusty cloths, digging//

Repetition.

>a droning cadence; “I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home.”//

That should be a colon.

>Sitting down on the bed//

This makes it sound like she had already gotten up and is now sitting down.

>she saw the massive trees looming over Rhosgobel. Pine trees, Fluttershy saw, but they were much bigger than any pine tree she’d ever seen//

That's three forms of "see" in just 23 words. And there are three others in the same paragraph.

>Alexander flew up and landed on Fluttershy’s head, looking outside as well and greeting the morning with the same feeling of peace as Fluttershy. His concentration wasn’t as long as the pony’s, however, and he soon flew off again and towards the kitchen, attracted by the scent of tasty treats.//

I don't know why you bother going to the bird's perspective. You only stay there for two sentences, and nothing important gets revealed while you're there.

>not— I//

Don't leave space around an em dash.

>It was strange how she felt both outlandish and familiar at the same time. But she felt good. The familiarity and resemblances gave her some comfort, and she could feel that from the inside.//

Here, you directly use a form of "feel" three times. It's a verb to avoid anyway, as it's better to demonstrate how she feels instead of telling me, and to do so repeatedly over the course of only two sentences is even more something to avoid.

>He grabbed his tea and took another sip.//

This is a very, very common trap writers fall into. When two characters are sharing a drink, they lose all imagination and can't think of anything to have the characters do with their beverages beyond some variation on "take another sip." People do lots of things with their drinks besides this. Surely you can think of some more.

>vertically from East to West//

Wouldn't that be horizontally? Unless she's looking at the map sidways, but you don't say that.

>T-t-that//

Consider what sound she'd actually repeat. "That" doesn't begin with a "t" sound.

>Indeed you aren’t.//

That's not really an appropriate response to what she said.

>and took a sip of tea//

And there you go with the sipping again. That's all they've done since they poured it. And even that didn't really get a mention.

>they’re called, pegasi//

No reason to have a comma there.

>earth-ponies and unicorns. Earth ponies//

Inconsistent dash use. Canon doesn't put one there.

>princess Celestia//

The title would be capitalized when attached to a name.

>similar, Don’t they//

Extraneous capitalization.

>revalidate//

rehabilitate

>I rather stay on the ground//

I'd

>She’s even wrote//

Either "she even wrote" or "she's even written."

It's a little curious that Fluttershy only discusses the other Elements and Spike. It's not like they're her only friends. She knows Bulk Biceps, Tree Hugger, and Discord. She's a frequent customer of Aloe and Lotus. She has Angel Bunny. She has parents and a brother.

>it has been awhile//

I won't go into the long explanation of why, but "a while" and "awhile" aren't interchangeable. The former is a noun, and the latter is an adverb. You need the noun form here.

>errant//

errand

>T-that//

Again, consider what sound she'd actually repeat.

>He could read her big blue eyes like a map. He found them the easiest eyes he had ever read, and he had read countless animals’ eyes and deciphered countless emotions.//

That's very repetitive phrasing.

>That was the way he liked to think; while on the move.//

That semicolon should be a colon. Not only are you defining or clarifying something, but you don't have an independent clause after it.

>strange, pink, column//

Hierarchical adjectives again, and you never put a comma between the last adjective and what they describe.

>although their faces looked much the same as everypony else’s//

Then how is it that this narrator, whomever it's supposed to represent, can distinguish between excitement and amazement?

>climbing frame//

Very minor thing, but your reading audience will be primarily American, and most Americans won't know this term. Here, it's called a jungle gym or monkey bars. That's up to you, though.

>pouring down the heavens//

Missing a "from."

>a rainbow-and-cloud; Dash’s cutie mark//

Another semicolon that should be a colon.

>hues of color//

Redundant.

>Rainbow Dash didn’t saw her//

Typo.

>Fluttershy was running straight at the machine//

I don't understand why she would do this, unless she wasn't paying attention to where she was going. And if that's the case, the limited narrator using her perspective also shouldn't know where she's going.

>if she’d abort//

The tense is off here. Use "if she aborted."

>pacing>[ 2//

You have this at the end of the chapter for some reason. I assume it's unintentional.

>as predicted by the story//

Well, it's less predicted than mandated, right? THat begs the question of whether the story can turn out any way other than how it's written. Yes, Fluttershy could get hurt or killed, but in a global sense, th good guys are still going to win, I presume.

>making sure that The Lord of the Rings, was always within reach//

No reason to have that comma.

>the only sound coming from the library were//

Mixing singular/plural there, plus shortly after, there's a close repetition of "sound," and there are a lot of uses of "had been" lately.

>reckon’//

What's the apostrophe for? There aren't any missing letters.

>princess Celestia and princess Luna//

Capitalize titles when they're on names like that.

>He flopped the stationary down//

"Stationary" means something doesn't move. You want "stationery."

>let his green, slit eyes run over the words//

Why are you bothering to describe his eyes here? The reader already knows what they look like, and it's not even pertinent to what's happening.

>Princess Celestia would recognize the letter the moment she’d receive it.//

Typical verb form would be "she received it" here.

>princess Celestia’s//

Capitalization.

>looked at the ponies one by one, looking//

Repetitive.

>princess Celestia//

Capitalization. I'm not going to mark any more of these.

>The other ponies followed her flight with an unsure expression.//

All of them had just one expression?

>going limp of exhaustion//

From, not of.

>powerful

>power
>powered
>powerful//
These are all in the same paragraph.

>Someway//

That should be two words.

>Shining armor//

Capitalization.

>cramped train coupon//

I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. I guess it's an expression that doesn't translate well?

>Don’t worry Spike.//

>So what are we going to do Twilight?//
Missing a comma for direct address.

>Rarity was looking forward to go to the brilliant Crystal Empire//

The verb form there should be "going."

>men will start to call it, ‘Mirkwood.’//

You don't need that comma.

>Not only the nerves//

I don't understand what this is trying to say.

>i-lanOw[1 2//

And you've got another one of these strange things at the end of a chapter.

At this point, I've read enough of the story to get a flavor for the characterization and writing quality. I'll be at this for months if I continue giving detailed feedback, so I'm just going to skim the rest to get an idea for the plot and make sure I don't see any problems with that. I'll still pull out any detailed things I see, but I won't be reading carefully enough to find that many.

Jay Bear!cSWoEWwnvI 2957

Howdy! I’ve got most of the rewriting done (nothing posted yet), but I have a few follow-up questions. I’ve put the meatier questions about the “gimmick chapters” at the end.

>Losing your whole family// Wait, what happened to Pound Cake?

>an empty honeycomb lying on the ground// Wait, that's an odd thing to have just randomly lying around a shed.
Wasn’t sure if I needed to change anything about these lines (although “Losing your whole family” got rewritten as part of other tweaks). My objective was to leave clues to readers about some of the important differences in this alt universe, but in a way that’s natural to the characters of that alt universe. Are these too distracting where they are? If so, I’ll throw them into exposition.

>Now that I'm significantly into chapter 4, i have to wonder what the point is. [Cup Cake, Apple Bloom, and Fluttershy backstories.]

I know it’s been two weeks, but do you remember where this felt like it became too much? If it’s in Apple Bloom’s backstory, I think I can fix that easily. If it was during Cup Cake’s service, I’ll need to rethink this chapter. My main objective with the service was to give the reader a break from the heavier stuff before and after. The information is important, too, but I can present it more efficiently if the current fluffiness is getting in the way.

>There used to be a brash, energetic, and most of all, happy pony, and she lived right here.// All of this is pretty nebulous…

I may have boxed myself in here. The situation would be pretty nebulous to Dash, and while the real cause is revealed in a later chapter, it’s implausible she’d figure it out by this point. I tried rewriting this section so Dash develops an incomplete theory of what’s wrong based on other parts of her life to at least flesh things out. However, there hasn’t been any reason to distrust her POV so far, so I’m worried the reader is going to take her theory at face value rather than as another clue to the real cause. I’m not sure how to fix this.

Here’s the meat:
>Gimmick chapters
One of my objectives with changing the writing style for the labyrinths is to show how much control the witches can exert on reality. It’s not just that ponies in a labyrinth see crazy stuff; the rules of the world are so different that this crazy stuff naturally exists (it doesn’t really work in the alliteration labyrinth, but I liked it in the circus labyrinth). I’m surely gambling with the reader’s patience by writing all this weirdness, but showing this control, and how the protagonists deal with it, is important. However, I couldn’t find a natural way to maintain that sense of the witch’s control when changing these parts to be from a pony’s POV. It felt like the POV character was under mind control, but could ignore it when it was convenient.
As an experiment, I rewrote the alliteration part to read like a fairy tale told from the witch’s perspective, and I think it works. It’s much more comprehensible and does a better job of showing the witch control reality by replacing the alliteration with fairy tale styles and tropes. Looking ahead, establishing a rule that witch labyrinths are told from the witch’s perspective helps distinguish them from familiar labyrinths (which is important for the plot), and I can use it creatively in future chapters. So, beyond simply working, I think it would be an improvement to have all of these parts from the witches’ perspective.
Then again, until recently I thought “beside” and “besides” were the same word, so there’s a good chance I’m missing something obvious. Any advice based on what I wrote above, or would you need to see the final draft after I post it?

Specific labyrinth questions:
>It looks more like a screenplay, but I could also buy it as a libretto, which ties in to music.
This one is supposed to be a libretto, although heavily bastardized to remove the unnecessary parts of a typical libretto. I’m not sure why it’s coming across as a screenplay, though. Do I need to flag the songs?

>>The air was cold as stone// And since the encounter began, this is already the third time you've mentioned stone, and it's not done in a way that's obviously thematic, so it just comes across as an oversight.

I don’t actually have a question here, just wanted to point out this was a sestina. They can be beautiful when written by Ezra Pound, or awkward when written with the template I used. I was still proud of mine, though, and it [I]sucked[/i] when I realized it served no purpose here. I’m going to replace it with something that makes sense for the story (to me, at least).

Thank you again. This critique really helped me, both in terms of catching amateur mistakes and rethinking parts of the story.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2958

>>2955
>>2956
>Radagast had laid awake//
The proper verb here is "had lain."

>disappearing from someplace and reappear//

Inconsistent verb forms.

>the magical energy the creature bears//

Kind of a confusing use of "bear," since you'd been referring to the animal a lot around here.

>ansi-languagv[* 2//

Yeah, just check the end of every chapter. You consistently have these.

>‘Daring Do and the Dragons’ Domain.’//

Book titles don't go in quotes. They get underlined or (preferably) italicized.

>“But… but what about princess—“//

>“But… but what about princess Ember,”//
"Princess" should be capitalized, as it's being used as a title attached to her name, even in the first one, since it's implied the name would follow.

>We’re going back home boys!//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>thirdly—“Garble//

Missing space.

>for a moment, her crossed eyes looked much like Derpy’s//

How would Fluttershy know this? She could suppose it, but she can't see it to know for sure.

Okay, the song in chapter 8. It goes on for almost three full screens. I hope you know many readers will scroll past without reading it. If you want to have song lyrics, the best way to handle them is to: 1. Keep it short, 2. If it's long, break it up into small pieces with narration in between, 3. Keep it short, 4. If reading the lyrics is actually important to understanding the plot, make that very clear up front, 5. Keep it short. The reader's far more likely to read them if they fit on a single screen (or by #2, each chunk fits on a single screen) so he can see the end coming.

>Should… should I ask her?//

I really, really hope this has nothing to do with romance, because if it does, there's zero basis built up for it in the story.

>many confuses squawks//

Typo.

I'll reiterate at the end, but you have very unsteady perspective throughout the story. That's the biggest issue overall. But in this chapter, you have an example of how to do it right. Look at where you alternate scenes of Fluttershy teaching the birds to sing outside and Radagast writing his spell inside. In each of those scenes, you keep to a single perspective. But in the scenes where you have both together, the narration keeps hopping back and forth between seeing through Fluttershy's eyes and Radagast's. It'll express one's opinion and say something only one could perceive in the manner, and just a couple paragraphs later, shift over to the other. When you have a limited narrator (the narration will communicate opinions and impressions on behalf og the characters instead of being completely factual), you don't want to let the perspective waver so much. For the most part, you ought to keep to one perspective per scene.

>“Catering service!” A stallion shouted//

Capitalization.

>hay-sandwich//

Why would you hyphenate that? You don't for ham sandwich or turkey sandwich or anything else.

>Certainly, Miss//

"Miss" is a generic term when not attached to a name, so it wouldn't be capitalized.

>guardponies//

The human equivalent wedges an "s" in there, so I'd suggest "guardsponies ."

>Perhaps an image of Opal and I?//

That's actually a spot for "me" because it's the object of a preposition. Consider that "Opal and I" is the same thing as "we." Also consider that "Opal and me" is the same thing as "us." Which sounds correct, "Perhaps an image of we" or "Perhaps an image of us"?

>your royal highnesses//

Honorifics like this should be capitalized.

Oh, good. More song lyrics. And these go on for four screens. They're utterly pointless.

>and—“//

This is another thing you need to be careful of throughout the story. Certain things, including dashes, can turn smart quotes backward, as has happened here.

>—He stabbed a claw at Spike—//

Don't capitalize asides.

>one of which I might not return//

From, not of.

>had.Light//

Missing space.

>The other wraiths did one step back//

Kind of awkwardly phrased.

>Everywhere you looked//

Kind of odd to address the reader like this. Then there'a another "everywhere" later in the same paragraph.

>“Wait! Don’t go!”//

You have a couple of extra blank lines before this.

>My name is Pinkie Pie,//

Not more song lyrics. Jeez, these go on for 5 screens. People aren't going to read this.

>it only made the whole façade funnier//

If you have to tell the reader something is funny, it probably isn't.

>Bien sure//

I don't know what this is.

>with all logics//

"Logic" is a collective term. You don't need it to be plural.

>poor grey pegasus which just wanted to say sorry for real//

When referring to sentient beings, use "who" instead of "that" or "which."

>Come on you two//

Needs a comma for direct address.

This chapter is far longer than it needs to be. Most of Discord's comedy routine is pointless and (intentionally) unfunny, so there's not much to keep a reader's interest.

>They continued their way//

Usually phrased as "they continued on their way."

>“Well… eh… I… I can’t remember.//

Missing your closing quotes.

>But I am trailing off here.//

This usually means the speaker is gradually becoming quieter. What you want is closer to "but I digress" or "but I'm going on a tangent."

>Even though my eyes are but small and my sight is very ill//

Bats see about as well as people do.

>Hallo Giselda//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>terrible. Since the ride to that terrible//

Close word repetition.

>We should have turned around and go back//

gone

>“Is there a flying horse by the name of Fluttershy here?” The crow said//

Capitalization.

>he needn’t to//

That "to" is superfluous.

>—not the crow—,//

Don't use a comma in conjunction with a dash.

>“But we can’t do that!” The crow said//

Capitalization. There was an issue some time back where GDocs would automatically capitalize after dialogue if it ended in an exclamation mark or question mark. Maybe that's what's happening here.

I do wonder, when the crow said that it wouldn't be stealthy to have a whole swarm of birds accompanying them, that a bright yellow and pink flying horse isn't exactly going to blend in.

>If—“ he pointed his sword straight ahead at Fluttershy—“we//

Note the inconsistent dash placement. If they're both with the speech, it means the speaker stops while the inserted action occurs. If they're both with the narration, the speech doesn't stop. You have one of each. Also, that first set of quotation marks is backward.

>The feeling of losing someone you cared for, someone you loved. It was a feeling of a black torrent, snatching away your loved one and giving back nothing. Like a black arrow through your heart//

You're talking to the reader again.

>Ember grinded the mushrooms//

Ground. Just do a search for "grinded," as you use it more than once.

>and threw the powder//

Wait, how would he do that with fresh mushrooms? They'd have too much moisture in them to grind into a powder, unless someone had picked them and dried them first.

>count, As//

Extraneous capitalization.

>The chamber’s I’ve explored//

You have a possessive where you need a plural.

>gasses//

gases

>Tablet—”she filled it with new oil, relit it, and tossed it to Rainbow Dash, who caught the thing with her mouth; then she looked back—“so//

Inconsistent dash placement again.

>tell Ember all about her, leaving no detail untold//

Kind of repetitive word choice.

>several second of agony//

Typo.

>an applause//

"Applause" is a collective term. Don't use "an" with it. You do this multiple times.

>princess Celestia and princess Luna//

Capitalize the titles. And how did she get that magic from them? The discussion makes it sound like the princesses didn't know she took it.

>I’m sorry everypony.//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>but Ember couldn’t care less//

You use that same phrase in consecutive sentences.

>Dash and Spike did more steps back//

Awkward phrasing.

>Indeed they weren’t. Starlight Glimmer and Twilight Sparkle were standing in a small crater//

This doesn't quite fit the perspective again. The narration in this scene so far is from Radagast's viewpoint, and the first sentence here very much sounds like his thoughts. But then it refers to two ponies by name, even though he hasn't learned their names yet.

>Twilight and Starlight knew the hidden figures were talking about them//

>They were talking about Fluttershy.//
Both of these are pretty self-explanatory. I don't think you need to say them. The reader will get the picture.

>They did another step closer.//

That must be a phrasing that doesn't translate well. It just sounds awkward in English.

>piano clavier//

I've heard of those separately as instruments, but never a single instrument referred to by both words at once.

>dash ,//

Extraneous space.

>But could Radagast’s reclaim her?//

Radagast's what?

>add to the stream she casted//

In this sense of the word, "cast" is the preferred past tense.

>And flying they did.//

The verb form for this phrasing would just be "fly."

>Twilight and Starlight exchanged a glance, as they knew very well what Radagast would do; they had read it in the book, after all. Still, they weren’t sure whether to tell that to Radagast. They were from another world, so interfering with Middle Earth might have big consequences on the fictional world Radagast lived in.//

Hm. This brings up something I'd like to discuss, but I'll save it for the end.

>friendship?” He asked.//

Capitalization.

>Discord did sentry-go//

I have no idea what this is.

>Everypony’s ears ringed.//

Rang.

Maybe I just missed it because I was skimming, but I don't recall ever seeing an explanation of why they excluded Discord from going through the portal. It sounded like they were going to explain it to him, but then Fluttershy calmed him down, and they never spoke up.

Well, I said I was going to wrap up some things at the end, so here goes. I really liked this story. I haven't read any Tolkein, so I don't know if this is supposed to mimic his style or just borrow from his world, but it's an effective tale either way. A lot of what I've noted here is detailed clean-up that's maybe a bit tedious to go through a story of this length (remember I only gave numerous comments on the first few chapters, so you should assume those things persist throughout), but not difficult to handle.

By the end, I came around to having Middle Earth be a fictional place even for Equestrians. It became a plot point that the ponies knew how things would go in the future, so having Middle Earth be an alternate dimension wouldn't have worked with that. So far, so good. But you kind of play both sides of whether they can use that knowledge. I don't understand why they can't alter what happens. Would it somehow change the actual book for them to do that? They refuse to warn Radagast about Sarumen, but they've already changed a fair amount of things just by their presence. So if they did intervene and help win this war before it starts, what implications would that have? It's not clear to me, and it seems like the rules governing that are a pretty important part of the world-building that's missing. The canon example of this is the Power Ponies comic, where they go in and just have a vague goal: defeat the enemy. If doesn't matter how, and then you get back out of the book. So why does this version of it need to work differently?

Next, the perspective is really jumpy. I'll grab this excerpt from chapter 19, which is a good example:

--------

“I know, Twilight. I feel terrible too,” Starlight said, while keeping an eye on the Wraiths, who seemed to be standing still now. “But we could at least—“

An explosion of sound interrupted Starlight’s words. In a chorus of unholy shrieks, the Ringwraiths unleashed their black breaths once more. They had heard them speak about flying, and realized that they might just flee. That couldn’t happen. They had to ground the ponies long enough to finish them off.

Behind the column, Radagast winced at the sound and the fear that bore it. Gritting his teeth, he tried his best to resist it, but found his mind too weak. Once again the agony tried to rip him apart. But then the black breath suddenly ended, and a grave silence lay upon Dol Guldur like a heavy blanket. Only the winds roared on.

--------

In the first paragraph, the "seemed" puts this in one of the good guys' perspectives. Really, it could be any of them who are paying attention, since any of them could have this opinion of the wraiths. If I go back a few paragraphs for context, it's most likely Twilight's perspective. But the point I want to make is that when you have the narrator expressing an opinion or personal impression, particularly if he does so in a conversational manner (emphasizing words, asking a question, using an exclamation mark, etc.), the narrator takes on that character's voice and essentially becomes that character. That's what a limited narration is. For omniscient, the opinion would need to be attributed to a character, like saying "seemed to Twilight" instead.

So we go to the second paragraph, and it's now delivering the wraiths' impressions. "That couldn't happen" is directly what the wraiths are thinking. No other character there would have this thought, and no other character there would be able to read their minds and know they were literally thinking this. They might deduce it, but it's stated as a fact.

And in the very next paragraph, we have Radagast taking the perspective. For example, the "he tried his best" and "found his mind too weak" are things only he would know. So in three consecutive paragraphs, you've inhabited three different perspectives. This is not a good thing to do.

There's a brief rationale in the section on "head hopping" at the top of this thread, but I'll sum it up a bit to say that you should try to hold to one perspective in a scene, if you can. When you shift to the wraiths and Radagast, like you have here, consider if it's really necessary. What do we learn from the wraiths' viewpoint? Nothing useful. We could already presume they would want the ponies fleeing, so learning they thought so doesn't change anything. And if it's not adding anything to be in their perspective, you shouldn't go there. Or if there is some critical piece of information, then it's worth staying in their perspective for a while. It's not even hard, most of the time, to show one character's emotions from another's perspective. You can tell when someone's happy from how the act, how they look, and what they say, after all. You don't have to read their mind to know. And that's why you don't usually have to shift perspective to get at information like that. When you keep jerking readers around to different viewpoints, it gets confusing, it's easy to mix up who thinks what, and it doesn't get the reader engaged on a deeper level with any of the characters.

The very unsteady perspective is the most pervasive problem I see, and it's really the only major one. If you could improve that substantially, I'd be happy to post the story, but I realize that it may be a daunting task to go back through 150k words with an eye to keeping the perspective more stable in each scene.

The last bit is that you disarm one of the story's major conflicts. When Radagast has to win Fluttershy's mind back to his side, he makes vague allusions to the torture and brainwashing she underwent, but that's one of the story's more powerful moments. It informs how hard it must be to get her back, that she was so thoroughly broken. Yet while the story does stay with her in places, it leaves her behind for this. It's not exactly that surprising what happens to her, since the Witch King had already alluded to such, so I don't see a reason to keep it secret.

In any case, the big emotional crux is knowing what happened to her so we know what it's going to take to undo it. But we never get to see that. There's just one paragraph of Radagast surmising what they did to her and sharing her memories of it, but it's told in very generic terms, and it's over with after a few sentences. It ends up not even being that difficult to win her back. It does take several paragraphs, but it's pretty steady progress with no setbacks, so it lacks some dramatic tension. I think it'd really add to the story's power if you added a couple scenes showing what happened to Fluttershy to get her to this state and struggle more to shake it off.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2959

>>2957
First off, not sure if you saw my earlier reply here:>>2939

>Re: Pound Cake and the honeycomb

They're a little distracting because there's no explanation for either. The reader's naturally going to assume thins are just like regular Equestria until it's explicitly said they aren't, so it's a natural question to ask where Pound Cake is when only Pumpkin was mentioned. Sure, the characters would have no clue who Pound Cake was either, so it wouldn't work to have them mention it. But just an offhand comment like calling Pumpkin their only child makes it explicitly clear. Same with the honeycomb. It's not that it's impossible for these characters, but a honeycomb isn't something you'd normally keep in a shed anyway, so it just confuses me as to why it's there.

>Re: Cup Cake's funeral

It's more that the chapter spends so much time with Apple Bloom, only to have her be pretty irrelevant to the story. You sure set her up like she's going to be a significant character, but nothing comes of it.

>Re: Dash

She knows that she used to be happy, but that she isn't anymore. She doesn't know why? Is it just a pervasive feeling that came over her gradually? If so, it might help to say that. The bigger issue is that she doesn't say how she knew she used to be happy. Give me a couple of quick one- or two-sentence anecdotes of happy memories. Be specific. The first time she medaled in a race and danced around so much she nearly fell off the podium. Little bits like that. They add so much life. And maybe she compares it to an anecdote more recently

>Re: Gimmick chapters

It would probably help if you do follow a pattern like you plan to, where you use witch perspectives but not familiar ones. Yet that may be a little too subtle for readers to pick up on. To wit, the characters don't identify which ones are run by familiars right off the bat, so the connecting thread doesn't become apparent until later. However, I talked about these scenes in my previous reply, so I won't repeat that here. The only thing I'd caution you about using the witches' perspectives is that you do need to let the witches come across as characters. Like don't just drop me into these perceptions without letting me get a hint of the witch's personality, same as you'd need to do with any character.

>Re: libretto

The biggest thing here is that most readers will be familiar with what a screenplay is, but have no idea what a libretto is. So just the fact that the dialogue is labeled by speaker feels like a script, and the reader will attach that to whatever's in their experience. Plus with MLP and Madoka being TV shows, it fits. That said, I don't think it matters, unless you're dead set on it coming across like an opera or musical. If that's the case, don't rely on the format alone. Add in imagery that would suggest one or the other, like a pit orchestra, audience using opera glasses, etc.

>Re: sestina

I'm not too familiar with many poetic forms, and most readers won't be either. I don't actually remember whether this was formatted in a way that made it look different from normal prose, so that's one potential fix. But repetition is a tricky thing to deal with. There are ways to make it obvious that it's intentional, and that's how you make it thematic. To do so would take acknowledging the repetition (like italicizing the second time for emphasis or using words such as "again" to call attention to it) or to use it more than twice in the same way, since that seems far more deliberate than two. And you did actually have it more than twice here, but it still didn't feel deliberate. That's an aesthetic thing, though, and the next reader could easily have a different reaction than I did. This one's a minor instance, and I don't think it'd hurt the story to have it. It's not like I won't approve your story if you don't fix every last thing. There's a tolerance level for artistic license.

Did you mean that the mention of stone served no purpose, or that having it as a sestina served no purpose? Because if it's the latter, then it may still lend to the labyrinth's atmosphere, and It's more so that what you say needs to have a purpose, not necessarily how you choose to say it. There are plenty of stories out there written as poems where there's no thematic reason for the story to be poetic. It can just be a genre choice, and I wouldn't say that's wrong.

I did say that some of the formatting choices were lost on me. That's more a data point for you. If many readers are getting lost, that's bad, but it might not bother others. You do have a reason for it. It's like if you told a joke that I didn't get. That doesn't automatically make it a bad joke, and most people might get it just fine. So if you say it's a sestina, I can accept that. It's just not the kind of thing most readers will notice or understand. You could explain it in an author's note for the chapter, if you wanted to make sure.

Jay Bear!cSWoEWwnvI 2963

>>2959

Thanks, I did see >>2939. I wasn't sure what you meant that it wasn't possible to have scenes from the witch's perspective, which is why I tried it to see if I could find the problem myself. I see what you mean about building up their characterization, though, so I'll pay attention on that when editing those scenes.

>sestina

I meant having a sestina here doesn't serve a good purpose, and I do plan to replace it. Repeating "stone" (as well as light/dark, reflection, and book) were all products of the structure, so that will be less evident on the rewrite. It'll still be basically the same scene, but the style should make more sense. This was a case where I wasn't really thinking about the style's effect on how this part of the story is told, and I think the story does suffer here. If I got really lucky, someone who knows about sestinas might recognize it and comments "Cool, it's a sestina," and other people would know that was intentional rather than me getting sloppy with repetition and line breaks. It's not worth it.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2964

>>2963
Yeah, it'd just be weird to show the labyrinth scenes through the witches' eyes in a very mechanical sense without having any of their characterization come through. Perspective is supposed to get the reader to identify with or understand a character, and if you never do anything with them except literally describe what they see, then it's kind of pointless. That said, I could buy it as building atmosphere, but without letting the reader see a little about who these witches are, it'd feel exceedingly superficial, which is against the point of using a limited narrator.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2965

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

I'm going to do something to illustrate a point. Here are the first words of all your narrative sentences for the first scene:
a, the, the, I, I, pneumatic, the, the, an, a, a, the, she, I, I, below, a, a, I, a, I, Zephyr, I, she, I
Except for that one "below," you have very repetitive sentence beginnings. Now, some words like "a" and "the" are so mundane that they pass by without notice, so it's not so much that the words themselves are repetitive; it's more that the sentence structures are. They all start with the subject. It gets to feel like a list of actions and doesn't flow very well.

>I swallowed and met her eyes. “Which means… we have to land.” Zephyr nodded. “Crap.”//

It's a little ambiguous who says this dialogue.

>left, a broad river valley at the north end, and an immense forest along the left//

It's a little odd that you're mixing types of directions.

You're probably giving more of a description of the map than you need. How many of these details are actually going to be important to the story? If a lot of them, then how many will be important soon? It's better to introduce information as it's needed instead of pushing a bunch of it at once and hoping the reader will remember it later.

>aluminum eggshell//

For one, you called it aluminum and polycarbonate before, and for another, you don't need to remind the reader so soon afterward what the aircraft is made of.

>week,Zephyr//

Needs a space.

>again.” Zephyr grabbed my seat and lifted her helmet as the transport rocked again//

Watch close repetition of words like that.

>The pegasus//

He knows her well. Why would he refer to her in such an impersonal manner? You don't think of your coworker as "the person," do you?

>the heavily armored mare//

Another very impersonal reference for a friend. I assume this kind of thing will pervade the story, so I won't mark anymore, but this i why this kind ofdescriptor doesn't work with a limited or first-person narrator. People think about other they know in three ways: name, pronoun, and relationship. Only the third falls into the realm of this kind of descriptor, so he might call her "my teammate" or something.

>thick, nylon//

>small, quartz//
These are hierarchical adjectives, so you don't need a comma between them. It can be tricky in some cases to tell the difference, but the general way is that if they describe different aspects or would sound really awkward in reverse order, you don't need a comma. There are a whole lot more of these I saw, but I'm not going to keep marking them.

>“Yeah,” I hollered toward the airlock, “Just//

The way you use those commas, it means both parts of the quote form one continuous sentence, but if that's the case, you've capitalized "just" in the middle of a sentence.

>quartz porthole//

I wonder why they're using quartz anyway. If they have the technology to make polycarbonate, then they must have something better than glass for the windows. It's heavy and not very resistant to damage.

>popped open and swung open//

Kind of repetitive language.

>A high, keening hiss made the aircraft’s hull ring. Lightning crackled along the hull breach, and a glowing, serpentine form shot into the cabin.//

This is another thing the chapter suffers from. I feel like I've seen these same actions and description three or four times already. There's lightning, noise from the hull, damage to it, loud sounds, lots of quartz, cannons firing, over and over again.

>razer teeth//

razor

>farther than it had right//

I've only ever seen that phrased as "than it had any right to."

Here's another thing: if you'd used a third-person limited narrator, there's a range of distances you can use. But when you choose first-person, you're irrevocably at a very close distance to the character. That means that the narration should sound like the character might speak, reflecting his intelligence level, vocabulary, personality and mannerisms. And it should also reflect what's happening at the moment. While the aircraft is breaking up, look at how calmly and stoically he describes it all. If that were you, wouldn't you be freaking out? I'd expect this section to be fast-paced, lacking in detail aside from what he'd focus on for his survival (to make an example, in the middle of a swordfight, it wouldn't make sense for him to give a lengthy description of the mountains in the background), and expressive of his emotions.

>As the serpent shook its entire body and retreated half a meter, maw gaping wide in a hiss, a thin, metal object fell from a holster taped to the pod’s roof and clattered on my ice-encased legs. Frost encroached on my eyelids, numbing my face and locking my mouth open. I began to jerk and buck inside the ice as the ice grew over my nostrils and cracked lips. The serpent shrieked a final time as I wrapped a shaky field around the shotgun on my lap and raised it to eye level.//

Around here, your sentence structure is getting repetitive again, but in a different way. Look how many "as" clauses you're using in this paragraph and the ones around it. Authors of intermediate experience often lean way too heavily on participial phrases and "as" clauses, but they get repetitive easily, since they don't appear much in everyday conversation, so they stand out. Do a Ctrl-f on " as " (include the spaces before and after) and watch the screen light up. There are 128 in the chapter. Granted, you use the word in similes, too, and those will happen in pairs, but that's still a lot. And that won't pick up ones at the beginnings of sentences either.

>As I watched, a tattered, scorched book and several burning pages blew out into the grey skies on the whistling, uncaring wind.//

The thing is, as a reader, I have no idea what this book is yet. I haven't even seen him act like it was particularly important, So it means nothing to me when it's lost. Now he's acting like he's upset, but I'm very detached from it since I don't understand why. He just gets the default sympathy he would for any generic character who's lost something.

>despite the hot air//

It's still going to feel cold at that speed.

>The first of many raindrops speckled the concrete and steel around us.//

Wait, I thought you said this was in a desert. For that matter, what's a bed factory doing in the desert? It'd be expensive to supply it with resources.

>Cold water splashed across my face.//

He was just about to set up camp, and this scene seems totally disconnected from that. I have no idea what's going on here. Maybe he's disoriented, too, but there's no indication of it, so my only assumption can be that he knows exactly what's going on. So why don't I?

>Ma’am; you require medical attention.//

Why the semicolon? It's not used right. A comma would be fine there.

>one hundred and fifty-seven//

I'd think a robot would be programmed to know it's improper to use "and" in a number like that.

>glided inside the immense, domed room. Other robots like the one that carried me glided//

More close word repetition.

>Another robot glided to the bed//

And shortly after, more gliding.

You're losing the sense of a limited narration again. While Crystal is in this operating room, you just go to all the voices and dialogue around her. It's first-person, though. I'm supposed to be getting her experience of all this. There are confusing and strange things going on, and they're talking about amputation. Why doesn't she have any reaction to it? It's like she's completely indifferent to all this.

>I reared up as it leapt, rammed my forehooves into its chest//

This makes it sound like the ghoul rammed his forehooves into its chest.

>Rasping, bestial growls that sent shivers down my spine//

I'm barely a page into the chapter, and this is already the third shiver to go down his spine.

By this point, I just see more of the same. I'll skim the rest of what's published to see if there are any big plot problems, but really the only thing I haven't mentioned yet is this is pushing the limits on gore. There's some pretty explicit descriptions. I'll still note detailed things I see, but I'll be reading too fast to catch much.

>It’s the nearest river for thousands of square kilometers//

Why is he stating distance using an area measurement?

>sky; approaching from a few kilometers away was a trio of dark specks that stood out against the blue sky//

More close word repetition.

>it’sq//

Typo.

>To the right of my saddlebags were the husk of my armor//

Number disagreement. the subject of "were" is "husk."

>Faint buzzes almost outside my range of hearing came from the limb.

>
>A faint//
Close word repetition.

>darlin.’//

The apostrophe would go before the period. It doesn't work like quotation marks.

>times—” I jerked my head to the right. “—but//

Don't use a period on an aside like this. The only end punctuation they take is a question mark or exclamation mark, as appropriate.

>I levitated small plate//

Missing word.

>diner: One//

Only capitalize after a colon if it refers to multiple sentences.

>yeah…” I trailed off//

The ellipsis already means she trailed off. Saying so in the narration as well is redundant.

Okay, I'm at the end of chapter 2. A lot of words in, and a lot of words still to go, but I'm not seeing any new problems I hadn't already seen in chapter 1. I could go on, but there's not a lot of point to it, as all I'd really get out of it is making sure there weren't any big plot holes (and since the story is incomplete, I couldn't guarantee there never would be anyway) and seeing if you cross the line on any of our content restrictions. So I'm going to stop here.

Really, anything I've had to mention multiple times are the things that need attention, but I'll sum them up here.

-You constantly put commas between adjectives that shouldn't have them.
-You have very repetitive sentence structures, where the vast majority start with the subject. Try reading your story out loud, especially if you skip the dialogue, and I think you'll hear how plodding it feels. You also have spots where you use a ton of "as" clauses.
-This is probably pushing it as to what gore we can allow.
-The narration is very bland and emotionless for a first-person narrator. The whole point of first-person is to give me a front-row seat to the character's thoughts and impressions. It'll typically read like an internal monologue or stream of consciousness. Compare your narration to your main character's dialogue. Her speech is very animated and indicative of how she feels. So are the few thoughts that are presented as quotes. The narration shouldn't sound much different than that, but it very much does.

The repetition and the emotionless narration are the two biggest issues, and unfortunately, they're also some of the more involved things for an author to deal with. It's not going to be a quick process to go through 100k+ words and revamp that. If you can, then I'd be happy to look at it again. I have almost no familiarity with Fallout, either the game or the MLP crossover, so I don't know how much of this story is original and how much is borrowed. I at least recognize a couple character names, but for instance, I don't know whether Eagle, Zephyr, and these alicorns are your invention or not. Either way, they're interesting characters, and on the whole, the writing is good. I think you're capable, but it's also a lot of work to fix those things.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2980

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>his teeth shined//

"Shined" is a transitive past tense, so this would need a direct object, and it would say that his teeth were polishing something. You need "shone."

>Nodding at his reflection, he trotted across his room in Princess Twilight’s castle and out the door, stopping once to pick up a single purple rose with no thorns from his desk.//

Note that participial phrases mean things happen at the same time, so he nods at the mirror, trots across the room, and stops simultaneously. It's more reasonable that those things would happen in sequence.

>especially after what happened a month ago with Duke Bull Horn//

It's a bit off-putting to make such a big deal of this without explaining any of it. I'll come back to this in a moment.

>She wore an elegant purple dress that to flow with every move.//

Wording is off.

>What had come to a shock to Flash//

I've always heard that phrased as "come as a shock."

>it actually didn't turn out to be to difficult//

To/too confusion.

>more than one…awkward conversations, to say the least.//

Leave a space after an ellipsis, and you have a singular/plural mismatch.

The flashback scene is presumably the background about the duke we're supposed to get, but it starts out with a huge block of exposition, which isn't a good way to get the reader's interest. It runs for 11 paragraphs. It's better to work that kind of thing in gradually as it becomes important.

>slid it her head and the map//

Missing word.

>thinks your crazy//

Your/you're confusion.

>Smarty pants//

That's a name, so both words would be capitalized.

>incidents,” Spike said, wincing, “But//

The way you punctuated that, the quote is on continuous sentence, so when you capitalize "but," you're doing it in the middle of a sentence.

>Twilight and Flash’s//

By not putting a possessive on Twilight, this means their heads are community property that they own jointly.

>It’s be enough//

Typo.

>The duke//

You're inconsistent at capitalizing that.

>more then just a guard//

Than/then confusion.

>and the idea of stressing her out by having her worry about a relationship with him was the last thing he wanted//

How is that more stressful than a relationship with anyone else? Or does he think she shouldn't be in one at all?

>Worse-case//

Worst-case

>worse comes to worse//

"Worst" on both of those, too.

>O-Ok//

Only capitalize the first part of a stutter unless it's something like a name that has to be capitalized anyway.

>I need to pick up a book I lent her anyway.//

Wouldn't she be interested to go anyway? You don't have to make up a contrived reason for her to go.

>giggling at the drake’s enthusiasm//

You're using a limited narrator in Flash's perspective, so the narration is essentially his thoughts. Why would he internally refer to Spike with something as impersonal as "the drake" when he knows Spike well?

>The present…//

If you do flashbacks well, you won't have to indicate when they happen. The info will be in the context. But why did you use a line to separate scenes here when you didn't at the previous scene break?

>so twinkly that could blend in with Twilight’s castle//

Missing word.

>‘nobles’” she said//

Missing a comma.

>make-shift//

makeshift

>he was being to forward//

Too/to confusion.

>a pony well dressed pony//

Extraneous word, well-dressed.

>I though with a title//

Typo.

>in a horrible, horrible impression of…it was so bad, Twilight couldn’t even figure out what accent he was trying to imitate//

Why are you jumping over to Twilight's perspective here?

>Doth mother know…you wearth her drapes?//

"Mother" would be capitalized in this instance, and he's got the archaic verb conjugation wrong. I can't tell if he's doing it on purpose or if it's your mistake.

>And with that//

You start two paragraphs fairly close together with that identical phrase.

>flower pots//

flowerpots

>The center of the ballroom had been cleared for dancing and a stage set up right next to it, but there were a number of small tables off to one side and a stage for the band off to the other.//

So... there are two stages? I'm confused.

>ruining you date//

Typo.

>Faust have mercy on me//

That's very cliched.

>And with that//

You really like that phrase.

>Their not here yet.//

Their/they're confusion.

>working it’s way//

Its/it's confusion.

>pegesi//

Typo, but why do you have it as plural anyway? You have the other two types as singular.

>Pretty sure we’re all foals compared Celestia.//

Missing word.

>Twilight asked in shock.//

You identify shock fairly often, too. Even so, it's better to make her look shocked than to tell me she is. How does she act? What does she look like?

>Money Bag’s//

This implies his name is Money Bag.

>wont //

Typo.

>All three ponies turned as Princess Celestia herself made her way towards the group, everypony else bowing as she passed. Flash himself also bowed as she approached, partly out of duty, and partly out of reverence.//

That's three "as" clauses in only two sentences. It's a bad idea to be structurally repetitive like this.

>Money bags//

Capitalization.

I'm a bit past the halfway point, and I'm getting bogged down in all these detailed mechanical things, a lot of them the same issues over and over again. Just assume you need to sweep the whole story for them. I'm going to read the rest just to look for plot or character problems.

Wait, the duke is actually going to try assassinating Twilight? That's pretty extreme.

This isn't a bad story, but it's pretty cliched for the point to be getting them up to a first date, a kiss, a wedding, or whatever. Twilight does learn that others can appreciate her for who she is, but even that's a fairly cliched lesson on its own. Plus the conflict that leads up to it, the dispute with Bull Horn, is very superficial. He just comes across as a generic villain, not someone with a real personality. If he just feels like a stock baddie, then it'll disarm the story's tension. It'd help if you gave him a more legitimate beef with her or at least gave him an emotional arc.

Aside from that, there were plenty of editing issues, and for a story with a limited narrator, the narration itself doesn't feel very lively. Unless you have the perspective character's impressions flowing in pretty regularly, it can revert to feeling omniscient. In places, you do that well. It's not just what the narration says, but how it says it. If Flash is angry, for instance, let the narration sound like an angry person.

The flashback sequence ended up being awkwardly wedged in. I think you'd do much better to keep things in chronological order and put that first. The structure implied you'd be skipping back and forth in time, but you only ever did it once.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3001

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>of...well//

Leave a space after an ellipsis, unless there;s more punctuation after it or it starts the sentence.

>O-Okay//

Only capitalize the first part of a stutter.

I have to agree with the comment that there's an awful lot of italics here. When you emphasize nearly everything, you effectively emphasize nothing.

>It had only been...a week?//

Space needed after the ellipsis again. I won't keep marking this, but I pulled it out for another reason. This paragraph brings the story's momentum to a halt. It has 8 "to be" verbs. That's a very boring verb, as nothing happens. You should use active verbs wherever you can, since the engage the reader more. Just as an example, say you rephrased this sentence as "How much time had gone by... a week?" That's all active phrasing, and it doesn't lose any of its meaning. It's impractical to remove all "to be" verbs, but it makes for a more active story when you only use them sparingly.

>The pony straightened up and brushed her long green mane out of her face, revealing bright orange eyes. “Oh, hey! Didn’t see you there. I’m Spring Forward!”//

But Spring Forward has a pale pinkish coat, blonde hair, and green eyes: http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Spring_Forward

>except for the wing//

And Spring Forward is an earth pony

Why is Spring Forward so chipper? Most prisoners aren't.

>It was full of surprising bitterness from the still somehow cheerful in the face of being captured, beat up, and shoved into a dingy prison, with meat, the Other, and...herself.//

I can't quite decipher that sentence. It feels like there's supposed to be some mention of Spring later on. Like, what does "cheerful" describe?

>Tempest raised her head in a sudden movement, surprised, then took a second look at Spring’s wing.//

You just mentioned surprise a sentence ago. But also beware of directly identifying emotions like this. It's too calmly self-aware for her to realize that, and with the type of narrator you're using, Tempest is effectively the narrator. If you're surprised, do you calmly think to yourself, "I'm surprised," or do you think, "oh crap!"

I don't get what the griffons want to achieve by leaving a dead body in the cell, especially since they go down there. Someone had to put Spring in there, after all. It'd stink, even to them. Maybe they just want to traumatize the prisoners? There's been no explanation as to why, though. Tempest hasn't described anything as outright abusive.

>Pegasi relied on their wings to do their magic.//

Wait, pegasi can start fires with their wings?

>backed away, eyes darting back//

Watch the repetitive word choice.

>escaped!//

When you have a word italicized for emphasis, it's preferred to include an exclamation mark or question mark on it in the italics. You have other instances of this.

>It was a miserable five days//

And we don't know how long Tempest has been there. So is she actually eating the meat? Because I don't see how she's alive otherwise. I also can't believe the griffons are stupid enough not to know they can't feed ponies that, unless it's another form of torture. Then that goes back to my earlier point about there being no clear evidence of torture, which would be counterproductive to selling them as slaves anyway.

>some labeled with simple words like Corn//

Now I'm confused. Meat would be more expensive than corn. Why feed prisoners meat when they can feed them cheaper corn, which they'll actually eat? And a healthy slave is a better slave.

>down. A griffon led the way, carefully lowering herself down//

Repeated use of "down," plus the second one's redundant with "lowering" anyway.

So does Spring Forward's body in the cell imply that The Other was someone else whose death Tempest had been responsible for?

>“Interesting…” he snapped his fingers.//

You have that lower-case as if it's a speech tag, but there's no speaking verb.

Either the ending is really weak or it's just going way over my head. I guess the Storm King figured out Tempest had been responsible for bringing down the ship, so he respects her power. But what is it that she thinks she can benefit from by talking to him? She'd still be in a situation where she felt she was better off alone. That's what made her run away from home in the first place. Also, this isn't exactly how they met. Now, we're not typically in the habit of enforcing comic canon, since they don't take care to mesh with the show, even sometimes contradicting it. But there were 4 comics made specifically as prequels to the movie, and the 4th deals with how Tempest came to work for the Storm King. I don't think it'd take much of a tweak to get in compliance with that, but I'm also not going to require you to.

I also agree with one of the comments that Spring's death has an understated enough effect on Tempest that it's a little hard to get as much of an emotional impact from it. Part of it is that the reader will have a default reaction, just because the death is a sad situation, but the other part is seeing how Tempest responds to it. Again, this is something a minor tweak would handle. Some kind of rage when she burns down the ship would help, and I see that she does express anger toward herself, but she never comes across as the Stockholm Syndrome type where she wouldn't also blame the griffons. Maybe she deserves the pain, but they do, too.

There are a few things here that don't quite jive, plus the mechanical fixes. If you can tend to that, I'd be happy to post the story. When you're ready to resubmit, I wouldn't need a full reread, so you can mark it as "back from Mars."

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3002

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>enjoying the warmth of the sun and the fresh air//

It's ambiguous whether this refers to Twilight or Spike.

>She stopped in place and looked at the sky over the Everfree Forest.

>
>“Hey, Twilight! What are you looking at?” Spike looked//
That's 3 uses of "look" in a close space. It's a word many authors tend to overuse.

>A pleasant and relaxing picnic with her friend was exactly what she needed to forget about the recent fiasco with the publishing of the Friendship Journal.//

Let me back up to this sentence. This is clearly Twilight's internal thought expressed as narration. That makes this a limited narrator in her perspective. It's a bad idea to let this kind of perspective wander around. Yet only three paragraphs into the story, it's already switched:
>It took very little effort for Spike to identify what held Twilight Sparkle's attention, because there was a large, shimmering patch of air above the Everfree Forest, as colorful and shifting as Celestia's mane in a stiff breeze. He had to admit, he had never before witnessed something as unique and flickering as the light in the sky, which swiftly started shrinking in on itself. Well… maybe that one time at the Crystal Empire when the Crystal Heart was activated against King Sombra...//
This is very much in Spike's perspective, and it takes a conversational tone. If you want the story told through his eyes, why start with Twilight at all? I suspect you're going to have lots of problems with jumpy perspective.

>Trying to make some sense of her situation//

Don't over-explain things like this. Let her actions speak for themselves.

>Her neck was a little stiff, but flexible enough to look over her shoulder and down, noticing the two bronze stripes of fur running along her spine.//

This explicitly says her neck noticed the stripes.

>the bruised that were starting to color her skin//

Typo.

>dangerous predators who would love to feast on her bruises body//

Opposite typo.

>Yet, something felt odd.//

It's rarely needed to put a comma after a conjunction.

>She couldn’t help herself from occasionally glance at the scary looking trees//

Typo.

>a mistake resulting in her little nose being pricked by a thorn.//

This is a subtle thing, but you often have very subdued reactions. Take when Raichu first woke up. She has no idea where she is, and nothing looks even remotely familiar. Yet the narration sounds very calm. Same here. We're calmly told she pricked herself on a thorn. What would actually go through your mind if this happened to you? This stoic mention of it doesn't sound like she's surprised at all, and then she goes on to rub it without remarking on how it feels. Wouldn't that be on her mind at the moment?

>a sight of a blueberry caught her attention//

This says the sight of the blueberry caught her attention, not that to blueberry did. Seems odd.

>T-that//

Consider what sound is actually repeated. "That" doesn't start with a "t" sound.

>wooden jaws//

You already said they were made out of wood.

>rolling on the ground//

As it's placed in the sentence, this tends to describe the roar, not Raichu.

>After looking up, the pupils in her eyes//

This says her pupils looked up, which while true, is a strange way to phrase things.

>back first//

The way you're using it, hyphenate that phrase.

>“I hope no animal got hurt," she murmured, torn between the safety of her home and the possibility that some poor, helpless creature in the dark forest was injured and needed her help.//

See, this is what I was talking about when I said you tend to over-explain things. The narration expresses the exact same thing she just got finished saying. The reader already knows she feels this way.

>noticing a small dust cloud moving across the numerous hills//

You began the scene in Fluttershy's perspective. Twilight wasn't even there yet. But how would Fluttershy know what Twilight noticed? There might be context clues she reads, but you're stating it as fact, so it amounts to a perspective shift.

>hoping that no Equestria-ending threat awaited them//

And just as quickly, you're back to Fluttershy's perspective.

>sliding down hills//

>slid down her forehead//
Repetitive word choice in consecutive sentences.

>escaping death was the only thing on her mind//

If this is so, how can the narration even talk about anything else? Such is the difficulty of using a limited narrator: the narrator can't know anything the character doesn't. So if you're explicitly saying Raichu can't think about anything but escaping, then that's all the narrator can talk about.

>She looked up, a lifetime supply of apples hung there//

Comma splice.

>a distinct impression of her body, all the way up to the ears//

This is almost exactly the way you described the crater in the prologue.

>of relief//

>expression of anticipatory terror//
Try to avoid directly identifying emotion like this, particularly using a with/in/of phrasing. It doesn't paint much of a visual. What does she do? What does she look like? That's more engaging to describe.

>Not even feeling all that tired despite her non-stop running.//

That sentence fragment feels out of place.

I don't understand the purpose of the short scene with Applejack in it. Presumably she's going to catch up to Raichu at some point, and we can find out what's been going on with her then. Nothing of consequence happens in this scene. Same with Apple Bloom's scene.

>Ya’re//

What's this?

>Even in Equestria, a flying wingless critter wasn’t something she would ignore or consider normal. It wasn’t flying for long though.//

Why would the "even in Equestria" occur to her? When has she ever been anywhere else?

>Ah’em//

And what's this?

>showing four tiny fangs in her shining teeth//

She can't see this? How does she know what it looks like?

>ya'//

What's the apostrophe for? What letters are missing?

>“Ah said, drop that apple before Ah make ya!” Applejack said with firm steps and narrowed eyes.//

That's Raichu narrating this. How does she know Applejack's name?

You're really overwriting the Apples' accent. Readers know what they sound like.

>still apologizing//

In the way you're using this, it needs a hyphen.

><N-no thanks,>//

I don't see a reason to use implied speech here. Applejack can infer well enough what Raichu means without having to spell it out as dialogue. If Fluttershy were here, it might be a different matter.

>kept shaking its head//

>Applejack kept watching//
Repetitive use of "kept" in consecutive sentences.

At least the events in this scene are important, but it shouldn't be necessary to switch to Applejack's perspective for it. We don't really learn anything that we couldn't from Raichu's viewpoint. She's who the story's really about, after all. She can read all this info about how Applejack feels by observing what she does.

>Raichu kept staring at the apple, occasionally glancing between the mare and filly who kept encouraging her//

More repetitive use of "kept."

>ya’re//

I've never seen this before. What exactly is it a contraction of?

>the pokemon’s head//

You're in Raichu's viewpoint. Why would she refer to herself like this? In your own thoughts, do you call yourself "the person"?

>Raichu’s eyes opened in an instant. “I do what?”//

I sure got the sense from the prologue that she already knew she talked like that. She's repeatedly said it out loud, while the narration is in her perspective, so she must be aware of it.

>taking a moment to fix her purple mane//

Why wold Starlight bother mentioning her own hair color? It's not relevant, and it'd be something she takes for granted.

><Hello,> she said as the word “Rai” reached ponies’ ears.//

You've been using Starlight's perspective in the scene, so this would be her knowledge. How did she understand that as a hello?

>taking a moment to fix her purple mane//

>walking by numerous pillars and doors//
>waiting for Applejack to approach//
>stopping herself in the middle of the stairs//
>riding the farm mare’s back//
>noticing a few bandages on the critter’s head//
That's all in just the first screen of chapter 2. You're using so many participial phrases that it gets structurally repetitive. And go back to that "riding the farm mare's back." Normally, you'd see an "on" in there. Plus Starlight knows Applejack. Why would she refer to her with something as impersonal as "the farm mare"?

><No, I would never!>//

Again, how would Starlight know this? The narrator essentially is Starlight at this point, so if she doesn't know something, the narrator can't either.

>words made of is their own name//

Phrasing is off. And has it been established yet that her name is Raichu? It wouldn't be hard for her to confirm that, but just make sure it actually happens somewhere.

>Why are you calling her pest?//

Missing word.

>still slightly sad//

I can't tell what perspective you're in anymore. Starlight's? Raichu's? It keeps jumping around. Pick one and stick with her for the scene.

>few months worth//

That's phrased as a possessive: few months' worth.

>“I must say, never in my life have I encountered or read about such an animal,” Dr. Fauna said, clapping her forehooves in excitement.//

I'm not sure it buys you anything to do this scene as a flashback. Why not just move it to the beginning of the chapter so it's all in chronological order?

>The rat could do little but stare at those impressive features of Raichu.//

Why are you jumping to the rat's viewpoint now? And "impressive features of Raichu" is such a roundabout way of saying that. Why not just "Raichu's impressive features"?

>cool looking//

Hyphenate.

>60%//

>22//
Write out the words.

>lollypop//

lollipop

>This taste delicious//

Typo.

>wood-fragments//

You don't need a hyphen there.

>‘Arts of mind healing and hypnosis’//

You only need the italics, not the quotes, but do capitalize the title properly.

>while-yellow//

Not sure what that was supposed to be.

>down with a bit more rubble falling onto the floor. She approached her, looked down//

Close repetition of "down."

>‘bout//

Note that smart quotes get leading apostrophes backward because they assume you want an opening single quote. You can paste one in the right way.

>Starlight grit her teeth//

Past tense is "gritted."

>Raichu fell to her knees and grit her teeth//

Same thing, but it's repetitive to have Raichu do the same thing as Starlight just a paragraph later.

>luckily none was reaching any precious books//

The comma before this is a splice, and the syntax is off here. So is the perspective. Who's the one saying the books are precious? I can't tell.

>her hoof leaving a hoof-mark//

That would seem to be self-evident.

>She levitated Raichu upward and placed on her own back//

Missing word.

>Not only it gave her time//

Phrasing is off.

>Applejack held hat//

>bringing back smile//
Missing word.

>This place have//

Typo.

>Small snowdrops were falling from the sky while one landed on her nose and dissolved into water.//

Melting isn't the same thing as dissolving.

>First one being the fact//

>Most of them being//
>the fact that she was one of them//
That's a lot of repetitive language for one paragraph.

>M-mon....//

You only need three dots, and is Raichu Jamaican now?

>words; ‘Pikachu’ and ‘their child’.//

You're clarifying there, so use a colon, not a semicolon.

>wrapped in bandage//

"wrapped in bandages" or "wrapped in a bandage"

>She grit her teeth//

gritted

>Why’s she so different now//

Why are you switching to present tense?

>She was lying on a spacious wooden bed with violet eiderdown and a large blue pillow, her size was certainly no match for the owner of this bed.//

Comma splice.

>One quick glance at the window at the brown sky//

Surely you meant that first "at" to be "out."

>overtime//

This needs to be two words.

Why is the letter in the same format as Raichu's translated speech?

>Awkward silence overtook the room as Starlight and Raichu stared at each other, none dared to move.//

>Raichu climbed down and peeked from behind the bed, only the upper part of her head was visible thanks to her cover.//
Comma splices.

>calming her nerves//

How does Raichu know that's what she's doing?

>hiding animal and added, “You can come out from hiding//

Close repetition.

>She pointed at her mentor.//

How does Raichu know what relationship they have?

>suddenly feeling uneasy//

And this isn't in Raichu's perspective either. Your viewpoint is jumping around.

>The comfort of the bed beating dirt in a scary forest any day.//

That's awkwardly phrased.

>the reason behind bandages//

Missing word.

There's nothing I need to go into detail about in summary here. The three biggest issues were general editing, unsteady perspective, and repetition.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3007

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

Short description:
>own, little//
No reason to have a comma there.

Long description:
>The day goes on and Spike and Sweetie Belle babysit Flurry Heart together, almost like their own little family.//
That's actually the same sentence you have in the short description, but you have different comma usage in each. The one you have after "on" in the short description should be in this one, too.

Story:
>They should be arriving here at any moment, now//
This isn't really a situation to use a comma there. You would if you wanted to emphasize "now," like she's just gotten new information that changes things. The "any moment now" idiom doesn't use one.

>Now Spike//

And it's kind of repetitive to use "now" so soon after. Especially right at the beginning, you don't want to create the impression that the story is likely to be repetitive.

>"Ugh," Spike rolled his eyes.//

You've punctuated that as if it's a speech attribution, but it has no speaking verb. You can't just tack any action on to dialogue with a comma.

>For the thousandth time Twilight//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>I've got this," He chuckled.//

Same deal with a non-speaking action. Even if this were acceptable to do, you wouldn't capitalize the speech tag.

>I promise," Spike came to a stop.//

Let's just say non-speaking speech tags are going to be a pervasive issue, as will likely capitalization of speech tags. You'll need to sweep the story for these. There's a brief guide to it at the top of this thread.

>She padded his head.//

You've confused "padded" for "patted." And at this point, I wouldn't assume the reader has retained anything from the description or cover art. It's worth establishing right away that Spike is older and bigger than he is in the show.

>The others should be waiting for us at the train station, already.//

No reason to have a comma there.

>the way the there//

Extraneous word.

>As Twilight was chasing niece//

Missing word.

Actually, is Spike any older? If not, the cover art is misleading. Flurry Heart doesn't seem to be any older.

>he knew being Shining Armor's brother would naturally make Twilight Flurry Heart's aunt//

Twilight is his sister.

>Seeee?//

When you have a word italicized for emphasis, it's preferred to include a question mark or exclamation mark on it in the italics. There are other instances of this later on.

>just absolutely filled with toys and games that were just//

Watch the close word repetition. In particular, this is a word inexperienced authors tend to overuse.

>fluttered her way out of Spike's arms before jetting her way//

More repetitive phrasing.

>She nuzzled her head.//

The direct object of "nuzzle" should be what she's doing it to, not with.

>down the hallways at high seed//

Typo.

>just adorable playing with the all the toys. There was just//

Close usage of that word again.

>*Gasp!*//

Watch that you don't let personal opinions creep into the narration. So far, you've been using an omniscient narrator, so in this paragraph, it's fine when you say Flurry felt sympathy, because that's factual. But when you take a conversational tone like this, it pushes it into a limited narrator, and then stating something only Flurry Heart could know means you're shifting perspective, which isn't a good idea in the middle of a scene.

>Uuhh.........//

Three dots is plenty.

>Flurry soared him//

"Soar" doesn't take a direct object.

>lest he would risk//

"Lest" uses a different kind of verb form called subjunctive mood. The bottom line is that you don't need "would" here.

>That made very Flurry happy.//

Jumbled wording.

>*puff.*//

You don't need to put asterisks around sound effects like this.

>He lied there on the bear for a moment//

They're tricky verbs to keep straight, but you should use "lay" here instead of "lied."

>this-//

Please use a proper dash for cutoffs and asides.

>I..?//

Needs one more dot in the ellipsis.

>cutiemark//

That's two words.

>Spike walked stepped//

Extraneous word.

>beside castle’s the doors//

Jumbled wording.

>Many Ponyville's ponies//

Missing word.

>Not ones to deny such a day, Spike//

You're referring to Spike with the plural "ones."

>a plane double hayburger//

You've confused "plane" with "plain."

>Eh, don't worry about//

Don't worry about what?

>street's//

That should be a plural, not a possessive.

>He's the fella you're dancing with in that cute, little wedding picture you keep in your room.//

I'm nearly halfway through the story, and this is the first bit of tension that's come up. Until now, it's just been fluff. There's no source of conflict, no character growth. Any sort of problem that arises is immediately dealt with. You need to have something pushing the story forward.

>broke a tear//

That's not a phrasing I've ever heard before, but if it's familiar to you, it's fine.

>Around a lot of carrot dogs and hayburgers, I'm willing to bet.//

I assume it's Cookie thinking this? If you're going to use an omniscient narrator, you'll normally want to put dialogue-type tags on thoughts.

>Ma'am/

That's a generic title, same as the "sir" Spike used earlier. You wouldn't capitalize this.

>I appreciate it, Sir//

Well, now you've decided to capitalize it. It shouldn't be.

>is she more of trouble//

Phrasing is off.

>still napping//

Hyphenate, given the way you've used it.

>Why did Hondo have to say what he said?//

Why is Sweetie Belle referring to her dad by his name?

>Spike awkwardly rubbed the back of his.//

The back of his what?

>A small blushed//

Typo.

>Y-You//

Only capitalize the first part of a stutter, unless it's something like a name that has to be capitalized anyway.

>'come with me, dear,'.//

Capitalization, extraneous comma.

>But........//

Three dots is plenty.

>she is...embracing it? What is going on?//

Why'd you switch to present tense in the narration?

>"She's gone!"//

I'm about 75% of the way through the story, and this is the first whiff of real conflict. That's a lot to ask of a reader to stick it out this long.

>Despite Spike having scales, Flurry very comfortable in his arms.//

Some missing words in there.

>You've been real good to her, today.//

You really like to stick commas on those adverbs at the ends of sentences. They're rarely needed.

>Sweetie Belle green eyes//

Missing a possessive.

>hangout//

As one word, that's a noun. You need it to be a verb.

>look before looking//

Repetitive word use.

>You won't find stain//

Missing word.

>"..."//

That may cut it as video game dialogue, but not in good writing.

>........Wow//

Three dots is plenty.

These are just examples of the editing issues I found. There are more, but I should have all the types covered. Other than the editing, the perspective is very unsteady. It never settles into either omniscient or limited narration, and while limited, it skips around to different characters frequently. And there's never tha much of a conflict or character growth. There are minor ones like what to feed Flurry Heart and when she goes missing, but they're all solved quickly and with little effort. The only thing we learn about the characters is that Spike and Sweetie Belle may have a mutual crush, but that doesn't get developed through the course of the story. It's way into inconsequential slice of life material before it's even brought up, and then nothing is done with it by the end of the story. They still just may have a mutual crush.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3011

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>There's still a lot a fighting//

That second "a" should be "of." Maybe you were going for a more phonetic interpretation of how she said it? Either way, the computer still has to hear her and decide what words to use, and even our modern ones are decent at catching grammar like that. I'd think hers would know the proper word.

And a word about italics. They get annoying to read in large quantities. They're also meant to separate things as different. But when the whole thing is different, nothing is. The reader will already pick up how this is being presented as recordings. You don't need the italics to convey that. If they were short recordings interspersed in lots of "live" narration, then there would be a justification in setting them apart, but there's no need to do that for the way you have it.

It might help to put an [hr] between log entries.

>There's a lot of other Talons up her too//

Typo.

>Even if its just me//

Its/it's confusion. Since it's either a computer putting the audio into text or the reader kind of listening to the recording, there are some things it wouldn't make sense to assume she got wrong.

>I' have//

Extraneous apostrophe.

>but... I've//

>they're...they//
Inconsistent ellipsis format. It's preferred to put a space after, unless it starts a sentence, because it plays better with FiMFiction's typesetting, but either format is okay as long as you use the same one throughout.

>Ponies they're//

And it seems like that was supposed to be "there."

>It was, sickening.//

Why is there a comma here?

I mentioned two possibilities before, and I think it's going to make more sense to take this as the reader listening to the recording instead of seeing a text transcript of it. That means it's more reasonable to use ellipses, since it'd be tough to explain to a speech-to-text algorithm which pauses should be ellipses, commas, semicolons, periods, dashes, or just about anything. But taking it as an audio log has its own issues, namely that it wouldn't make sense to have certain kinds of errors, like the aforementioned its/it's confusion. They sound the same, so who's to say which is recorded? There's no reason to choose the wrong one, because then you're presuming Gilda meant the wrong one or the listener hears the wrong one, neither of which is justifiable. This does mean it'd help if you were more judicious about putting commas between clauses. Here's an example I pulled from a little later on:
>I've cut zebras in half on the battlefield, so I'm no stranger to entrails and the like, but that was nothing compared to that building.//
You got this one right. Whenever there's a passage where each subject gets its own verb (I've cut..., so [I am]..., but that was...), you set it off with commas.
>There was a mare in the office too but she had nothing to say after she succumbed to a sudden case of decapitation.//
Here's an example of a spot that needs one. You do have separate subject-verb pairs, but there's no comma to separate the clauses (There was... but she had).

I guess I don't have a picture of who Gilda is yet. She's tough enough to take out the whole Steelworks, but she doesn't have much sway with the military or pegasi.

>Twenty Seventh//

In all these dates, when the ordinal number has two words, put a hyphen between them. Same deal with the cardinal numbers of the years, if that comes up later.

>Found some a lot of ingots//

Jumbled wording.

>High grade//

Hyphenate.

More than in the previous version, you're starting to wander into things that a reader would have to be familiar with Fallout: Equestria to understand. I haven't read it. I don't know what the Curtain or the Luna are. I can guess the latter is a ship, but I don't know what significance it has or why Gilda wants to destroy it. In crossover stories, don't assume the reader knows anything other than canon MLP.

>Luna//

Ship names get italicized. Of course it already is, since everything is (though it shouldn't be).

>its only a pyre//

>maybe its magic or something//
>Knowing who its made to look like//
Its/it's confusion.

>stuck up//

>Fifty Two//
Hyphenate.

>Talons//

You sometimes capitalize that and sometimes don't.

>I found a Ministry of Peace hospital just outside the lethal zone. It was inhabited, but it isn't now.//

I don't know whether that means it was once inhabited but anyone there died in the attack on the city, or if Gilda found someone there and killed them.

>fro this place//

Typo.

>their front's//

You have a possessive where you need a plural.

>screaming 'that's what everypony says!'.//

Punctuate and capitalize that like dialogue. And the period at the end is extraneous.

>manticore or something//

Missing period.

>played open//

I assume you mean "splayed."

>I'm sorry Dash.//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>its still deadly//

Its/it's confusion.

>I looks like the shield went down.//

Typo.

>I think its radiation//

Its/it's confusion.

>no where//

That's one word.

>I'm sorry Dash.//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>December Twenty Third, Year one.//

You'd been capitalizing the year numbers. But it looks like you stop doing so here. It goes on like this, at least for the few more dates I scanned ahead to see.

>Pip-Buck//

There was one time a while back where you didn't capitalize both words.

>I heading out//

Typo.

>Lot's of game.//

You have a possessive where you need a plural.

>eating them like crazy so they can't be bad. The things are growing like crazy//

Reptitive phrasing. And there are ways to check if something's poisonous. Wouldn't she know that?

>cave, They're//

Comma should be a period.

>Damn, it's been a long ass time since I've used this thing.//

Seems odd to have a 12-year time skip and not comment on why.

>About a third of them foals//

Missing period.

>hoof made//

That'd probably be one word like "handmade." Except why is a griffon using a "hoof" word?

>Its a little big//

Its/it's confusion.

>Ooooooooooo!!//

One exclamation mark is plenty.

>I was going to start yelling for somepony to come help, I didn't want to go get her myself.//

Comma splice.

>left eh kids//

Typo.

>I had to make a silencer for my rifle//

Where's she getting the material and tools for this? For that matter, where's she getting the toys for the kids?

>If they knew even half the things I've done they run away in terror.//

Typo.

>Next time I get out of the valley//

Well, there it is. She should mention this earlier.

>I just, don't like leaving them alone.//

No reason to have a comma there.

>fifty nine//

Hyphenate.

>I'm sorry Dash.//

Comma for direct address.

>I spent a hundred round//

Typo.

>My pistols don't have silencers to it was only an hour before the parents rushed into the clearing at the Ice Caverns' entrance.//

Typo.

>I cleared out all the bodies//

How'd she get rid of the blood? Or don't they have any? If not, here's a spot where someone unfamiliar with the crossover isn't going to understand.

>its all my fault//

Its/it's confusion.

>and tall the younger ponies//

Typo.

>its some kind of blasphemy//

Its/it's confusion. You get this right sometimes. I'm not sure what the deal is.

>Its not much//

I'm just going to list these when I see them. It's taking too much time to type "Its/it's confusion" over and over again.

>he bastards..//

Needs one more dot.

>All the younger mare's are alive//

You keep mixing up possessives with plurals.

>Fuck I should have been watching the entrance!!!//

Unless this was something she wrote out herself, I don't know how a recording device would differentiate three exclamation marks over one.

>sand bangs//

Typo.

>their isn't in green foliage//

Several typos.

>They have all the mare's and foals//

Possessive/plural. I mean, you get "foals" right. Why is "mares" any different?

>run .//

Extraneous space.

>I am going to hurt them SO much!!//

One exclamation mark is plenty.

>Its all fresh off the assembly line.//


>bleeding out on the ground//

>bled out on the ground//
Pretty repetitive so close together.

>make shift//

That's one word.

>If these bucks are scared than the rest of their comrades should be scared too.//

Than/then confusion.

>questions, to ask them after all//

No reason to have a comma there.

>'Stable 34 territory acquisition expedition//

Where's that quotation supposed to close?

>'We're so sorry spirit', 'please don't hurt us spirit', 'we didn't want to hurt anypony Storm Mother'.//

Needs commas for direct address.

>their trying to shoot//

Typo.

>December First.//

That period needs to be a comma.

>Ambush at the yeti Geyser.//

Not sure why "geyser" is capitalized. Or if it's a place name, why "yeti" isn't.

>I let through leave//

Typo.

>ponies Young//

Missing period.

>It's been a real long time since I used this thing, this will be my last recording.//

Comma splice, and there are several more in this entry.

>here....//

One too many dots.

>took about twenty tries before I could do it with coughing up blood or crying //

Sounds like you meant that to be "without."

>Its nice//

>Its comfortable.//

>Take care of your home my Children.//

Needs a comma for direct address.

>You must all be kind to each.//

Missing an "other."

The expansion definitely makes it clearer what's going on and adds more emotional depth. Since I'm not familiar with Fo:E, though, I don't know when this is supposed to take place. Would Gilda have made up with Dash as in "The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone"? Would "Griffon the Brush-Off" have happened? I don't know where we are in Gilda's relationship with Dash. And that informs what it meant for that to end. I gather Gilda killed her because she was paid to, though I don't know whether it was a straight-up hit job or just a bounty on ponies in general. Without that kind of background, I don't know how big a deal it is that Gilda killed her. She regrets it so badly later, but then I don't understand why she could have done it in the first place. It's not like Gilda had some wholesale personality change that made her a different person in that regard. Either there's supposed to be a change that wasn't conveyed, or Gilda's just being inconsistent.

That's really the only story issue for me. Other than that, there's just a lot of mechanical clean-up that needs to happen. It's not unusual for extensively rewritten material to have new issues pop up, but it felt like this was cleaner before. A lot of these things are pretty obvious.

Hold on, let me revisit her age. She says she's 60 in year 14. then in year 40, she says she's 85. Wouldn't she be 86? And she's still marauding around. How long do griffons live? If that's a piece of Fo:E lore, I don't know it. Then she dies in year 55, short of her birthday, so she's 100. Ponies, at least, seem to have pretty human lifespans, and you even allude to such (14 being very young to get pregnant, for instance). Unless griffons are much longer-lived than ponies, it's kind of hard to buy her doing all this at such an advanced age.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3012

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

Why'd you put the title in quotes?

>Larger than life//

>hundred carat//
When you use multi-word phrases as single descriptors like this, hyphenate them.

Your perspective is pretty unsteady so far. You obviously start the story with an external viewpoint, but as you ease into it, it seems to take on Rarity's perspective, or possibly remain omniscient. There's nothing decidedly limited about the narration, until we get to this:
>Yet Rarity still appeared completely unfazed//
The opening narrator wasn't a character, because he's clearly self-aware that it's a story. But this statement is from a character viewpoint. "Seemed" is a judgment call. Seemed to whom? I don't know. And that's the kind of context that informs perspective. It's not the same narrator we stated with, because he'd know if she was unfazed; "seem" wouldn't enter into it.

>Unicornia!!!//

One exclamation mark is plenty.

>sequins that drew the eye back to that one perfect diamond that shone like a beacon!//

The two "that" clauses get a bit repetitive when tacked so close together, but technically, both of them should be "which." You're not creating a subcategory; you're just saying this particular diamond and these particular sequins have these characteristics.

>Then a particularly extravagant spin left her facing the edge of the ship and she blindly stepped forward into empty air…//

You've got a number of spots like this, where you need a comma between the clauses.

Right after that first picture, we get assaulted with "as" clauses. You have all these within the space of just 3 paragraphs:
>as she sashayed along the railing//
>as they saw that a sparkling bridge of blue light had materialized beneath the mode//
>as he followed her onto the bridge//
>as he walked past//
>as the music reached its swelling finale//
This and the participial phrase can be wonderfully descriptive, but they're also uncommon enough in everyday usage that they easily stand out as repetitive, and a lot of authors overuse them.

>reached its swelling finale, they reached//

Close word repetition.

>through which she now played a blood-pumping solo on her guitar//

There have been three female characters (well, the reader's left to intuit that the "rainbow-maned pegasus" is female) mentioned in the sentence already, so it's ambiguous who "she" is.

>a figure wearing a cloak that hid all their features//

This is also inconsistent with the omniscient narrator hat you seem to favor. As omniscient, he'd know who this was. There are ways to make the language work and keep the secret, but the narrator or perspective character needs a reason to.

>When Rarity makes art it doesn’t matter what era//

Needs a comma in there.

>“isn’t

>“no//
Capitalization.

>Let me just cut you off right there, Darling.//

"Darling" is a generic term of endearment. It wouldn't be capitalized.

>a particularly fancy skybridge//

There's an opinion creeping into the narration again, but I don't know whose. And whatever personality the seemingly omniscient narrator took on at the beginning of the story has been missing ever since, so it's not him.

>this way, darling//

That's already her third time saying "darling" in this scene. If you look through episode transcripts, she doesn't actually eay it that often, usually no more than two or three times in an entire episode.

>Why don’t we ask him?//

When you italicize w rod for emphasis, it's preferred to include an exclamation mark or question mark on it in the italics.

>definitely not grape juice//

This goes to perspective again. Why's the narrator making a big deal about this? What would matter if it was wine?

>yelling “Thank//

Needs a comma.

Now that you have a scene with Applejack, it's very consistently a limited narration in her perspective. That just leaves me confused about what the narrative voice was supposed to be before now.

>she flew over the earth pony//

Well, now it's slipped. Why would AJ call herself "the earth pony"? In your own head, do you call yourself "the person"?

>Applejack looked hurt.//

How can she see herself to tell? The perspective's somewhere else, but not necessarily with her cousin. Though that's the only other option, I guess.

>I just don’t want to see you hurt again.//

And this use of "hurt" in the same paragraph is repetitive.

>Before Twilight could reply someone tapped her shoulder.//

Needs a comma between the clauses.

>Turning around//

You'll normally set off a participial phrase with a comma.

>she saw Applejack wearing a very odd dress//

So this is in Twilight's perspective...
>Rainbow Dash was the first to find her voice, and naturally the first thing she did with it was laugh.//
This might still be in Twilight's perspetive, but it sounds more like it'd be Rarity's or AJ's...
>She looked around and saw a good vantage point in a nearby tower.//
Now you're in Rarity's head...
>They had never seen fashion like this before!//
And now you're in some kind of collective viewpoint. This is all in the first page.
>But Ginger was hardly listening, already planning on how she would try again.//
Into Ginger's perspective now. It's bouncing all over the place.

>into— ”//

Extraneous space.

>back at Ponyville//

I'd normally see this phrased with "in."

>bu-//

Please use a proper dash for cutoffs.

>Rarity’s reply sounded rehearsed//

This has to be from AJ's perspective...
>Rarity stood up and rounded on the other mare with such suddenness that Applejack had to take a step back.//
But this is unidentifiable. The "had to take a step back" feels like AJ's, but it's strange for either one of them to call AJ "the other mare."

>Taint//

'Tain't

>Applejack’s voice remained strong and self-assured as ever, but her stance told a different story as she continued to back away, her broad shoulders tensing. Rarity’s body language was also different. Gone was the grace of the dainty lady, and in its place was something almost predatory.//

And you're switching perspective in the middle of the paragraph here.

>A fifty carat diamond with a good cut and clarity, it would make a fine addition to any collection.//

Fifty-carat. And while that's not technically a comma splice, it sure feels like one.

>“Blue Topaz”, Rarity thought//

Comma placement.

>Rarity looked away//

>looking affronted//
>Everyone looked at Rarity.//
>“Look, you have a lot of talent.//
That's all in just 3 paragraphs. "Look" is a word many authors tend to overuse.

>I can’t decide who I fall in love with//

I don't gather how this follows from "I'm just a regular mare." Do exceptional mares decide who they fall in love with?

>She did not hear Applejack knocking//

How does she know AJ knocked, then? You've mostly been using a limited narration, so the narrator is essentially the focus character. If Rarity doesn't know AJ knocked, neither does the narrator.

>T'was//

'Twas

>darling.” Rarity said//

Punctuation.

>Somepony made themselves your problem and you treated them much better than you had to.//

Why is AJ making pretty much the opposite argument that she had the day before?

I realize you were very hampered by word count limits, but all of the romantic attractions here are things I just have to accept the story's word for. None of the characters actually justify their infatuations. I don't know what Ginger actually likes about Rarity that she would consider her good relationship material. Same goes for whatever Rarity likes about AJ. It's on the absurd side, but you're not tagging this as comedy, so that's not the angle you're taking. In that case, I really am looking for this to be an authentic portrayal of an earnest love interest, but it's just surface-level, and it's hard to stand out from the crowd of all the other stories that do the same thing. For that matter, the emotional climax of Ginger having to face rejection occurs off camera, so I'm just left to imagine what impact that's had on her, or at the least, to take AJ's vague description of it.

Really, the two biggest things are that the love interest lacks depth and the perspective skips around between limited perspectives and an omniscient voice.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3019

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

You've done a good job using a close limited narrator. The narration expresses Ghost's opinions as if his own, essentially becoming her. But there are a few hiccups. Look at this one:
>Ghost thought that the mochas weren’t half bad here//
She wouldn't think, "I though the mochas weren't half bad here." She'd just think, "The mochas weren't half bad here." By forcing that "Ghost thought" in there, you're putting distance between Ghost and the narrator, who's now a middleman instead of being identically Ghost.

>Four- no//

Please use a proper dash. Alt+0151 = —. And don't put space on either side of it. This goes for the whole story. Don't use hyphens for asides and interruptions.

>Ghost hated the crowds in the supermarket//

This one isn't too bad, but it's a little clinical. Let the tone come through in how she says it, something like "those crowds in the supermarket always grated on her nerves."

>That was at a different cafe, though//

>It was in the past, though//
Kind of repetitive phrasing in the same paragraph.

>She wished she had a social life//

There are two classes of verbs you should only use sparingly in a close limited narration like this. The first governs perception. Since Ghost essentially is the narrator, they share the same perception. If the narrator says something is there, it's implicit that Ghost sees it. You should never have to say she saw, heard, felt, etc. anything, unless you really want to add emphasis that she was on the lookout for it or it was something most people would miss. The other class of verbs governs knowledge, things like want, wish, know, wonder, etc. Instead of using these, express them through tone. Like here, instead of saying she wished this, express it as a longing: If only she had a social life. That gets the wish across, but in a much more personal way.

>The door chimed announced//

Typo.

>thinking that it was mighty rude to not order anything, and hoping that her opinion didn’t show on her face//

A couple more of those types of verbs here that could be more powerful through narrative tone.

>That would be the sixteenth time she wiped the same spot, she mused//

Similar. You don't need the "she mused." Just let the narrator express the thought on her behalf.

>Another customer, hoorah! Ghost felt she could almost cheer at the sound.//

Well, she did cheer. Just not out loud.

>Her changeling friend may work with the royal guards//

Verb tense is off here. You need "may have worked."

>The changeling looked around.//

This is another advanced point about perspective, but you're implying this is the phrasing Ghost would choose to describe her friend. That feels very formal and external. In your own head, do you refer to your best friend as "the person"? More likely you'd use a name or pronoun.

>The changeling looked panicked for a moment, looking around.//

Another very impersonal reference to her best friend, and a close repetition of "look." And instead of saying Misty looks panicked, which is an abstract thing, make it concrete. Tell me how she looks and acts, and let me conclude that it's panic.

>Misty nodded, and sat down at a table nearby//

You only need the comma before the conjunction if it starts a new clause, and not even always then. You don't have a subject for the verb after "and"; it shares the same subject as "nodded," so it's not a new clause, just a compound verb.

>walked in a few minutes late and relieved her, before walking//

Close word repetition.

>The unicorn prodded her friend//

And that's even weirder than calling her friend "the changeling." She'd actually refer to herself as "the unicorn"? Do you think of yourself as "the human"?

>warm.“Hey//

Needs a space.

>you?” She teased//

Looks like you meant that to be a speech tag so don't capitalize it.

>Whatever trouble Misty Step was in, she resolved to do the best she could to try to fix it.//

This sounds rather calm for the situation, which tends to undermine the tension it creates. And undermining tension isn't a good way to end a chapter.

>Misty frowned and huddled against her warmer, warm-blooded friend//

It'd make sense for Ghost to refer to Misty as "her friend," but not for Ghost to refer to herself as "Misty's friend."

Before I move on to chapter 2, a word about your synopsis. It tells me nothing about your story, only that a pony and her changeling friend go on an adventure. That's incredibly generic. It's not going to grab readers' interest. Give me a taste of what's going to happen in the story.

>he put away her keys and flipped on the lights, revealing a cozy little apartment. In one corner was a heap of blankets and cushions, arranged into a nest.//

It's fine that you want to give a description of her apartment, but she's the limited narrator, so you have to give her a motivation to discuss it. This sounds like the once-over a first-time visitor would give, but both she and Misty are familiar with it. Find ways to work in these details. Take that last sentence. There's no reason for her to say it. It's normal to her, it's not relevant to what is happening, and she wouldn't notice it unless you give it a reason to stand out to her. Something like "In one corner was a heap of blankets and cushions, arranged into a nest that she hadn't gotten around to cleaning up for weeks now." That gives a reason for her to describe it, namely, that she sees it as a mess she needs to clean up.

>In one corner was//

>Taped to the pillow nest was//
>Across the room were//
>On the table was//
These are the beginnings to four sentences in a row. See how repetitive they are?

>She hoped she had something that Misty liked reading.//

Why? They haven't discussed anything like this.

>In one corner of the room was//

Now you're back to that phrasing and one you already used.

>Ghost made a mental note to clean those when she got the chance//

>Ghost made a mental note to clean out.//
More repetitive phrasing.

>The apartment was small, crowded, but cozy, and Ghost was proud that she had such a nice place to live.//

You pretty much already said this earlier:
>revealing a cozy little apartment//

>They worked for Chrysalis, and were waiting for the right moment to take over again//

You don't need that comma. It's just a compound verb.

>I’ll have my job back//

We're not going to get an explanation of this?Be careful how you give it, though. Ghost would already know the story, so it wouldn't make sense for Misty to tell her. You have to find other ways of hinting at it.

>She shruggedd//

Typo.

>She points at a few cacti sitting on her shelf.//

Why are you in present tense here? And Ghost already said she had two cacti.

>This was a problem, because the fire had spread over her bed and was slowly making its way around her.//

This is phrased very calmly, given this:
>The heat was unbearable, and the smoke made her cough.//

>She wondered//

Another one of those verbs you can do without.

>That was a terrifying dream, for many reasons.//

But the narration doesn't sound terrified. And beware of referring to generic things like the "many reasons" here. I don't know what any of them are, so I have no way to identify with her. Briefly list a couple of them.

>Misty,” She sighed//

>right?” She inquired//
Capitalization.

>her abomination meal//

I love this.

>Ghost managed a grimace that slightly resembled an encouraging smile.//

How does she know what it looks like? She can't see it.

>Misty trotted into the bathr//

Something got cut off there.

>Ghost sighed as she tossed her back into her apartment.//

Are you sure this is phrased how you wanted? I don't understand it.

>While the class went on about sine and cosine//

I thought you said this was an algebra class. That's trigonometry.

>written in worse handwriting than Ghost wrote in.//

Kind of repetitive phrasing. Just leave it as "written in worse handwriting than Ghost's." For that matter, it isn't handwriting. I typically see it called hoofwriting (closer parallel to the earth term) or mouthwriting (closer to what non-unicorns actually do)/hornwriting.

>Ghost started up a pot of her favorite jasmine tea, and grabbed another book.//

Unnecessary comma.

>Sometimes, Ghost thought as she warmed up a towel in her magic, it really sucks to be right.//

Your presentation of that is closer to dialogue. If you want it that way, use quotation marks or italics for the thought. But you can remove the thought tag and just state it as narration, in past tense.

>any of their behavior follow//

>this criteria//
Singular/plural mismatch.

>hastily-scrawled//

You don't need a hyphen for a two-word phrase starting in an -ly adverb.

>The unicorn//

Another strangely external reference, this time to herself. I haven't been marking every one of these, by the way. You should go through the whole story for them.

>coffeemaker//

>coffee making//
Strange that you have one of those as a single word and the other as two.

>business pony//

This would likely be one word, like the human equivalent.

>list.” She mumbled//

Punctuation/capitalization.

>decypher//

I've always seen that as "decipher," but if you're used to this spelling, it's fine.

>icey//

icy

>which had spread behind the counter and out towards the customer’s chairs, which were thankfully vacated//

It's kind of clunky to have two "which" clauses stacked up like that.

>happened?” Blurted//

Capitalization.

>refridgerator//

This might also be a regional spelling, but I've only seen "refrigerator."

>until it shined like new//

"Shined" takes a direct object. You want "shone."

>“Waffles!” Squealed//

Capitalization.

>ectacy//

Typo.

>shquares~” She//

Capitalization.

>added “I’ll//

Needs a comma.

>pushing a crosswalk button over and over//

I love this.

>ruined page//

You just used "ruining" in the last paragraph.

>going.” Ghost murmured//

Punctuation.

>Was she really that surprised about how easy it was to miss out on the lecture.//

Isn't that a question?

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3023

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>wished — for//

Don't leave space on either side of an em dash.

You've got some questionable semicolons. In formal usage, you should be able to replace one with a period and have both resulting sentences stand as complete, but many of yours would result in sentence fragments.

>A sigh of disappointment escaped her lips.//

Beware directly identifying emotion like this. It's often better to demonstrate it through character behavior and appearance, so that the reader can draw his own conclusion—this mimics how people judge each other in real life anyway. But in these "in/with/of emotion" phrasings, there's usually already something in the sentence to convey the mood. Here, the sigh and what she'd been musing already get across disappointment.

>Tempest’s surprise was apparent in her gaze and in her voice.//

Consider you've been using a limited narrator in Tempest's perspective so far. But she can't see her own face, so how does she know what her expression looks like, much less that it's "apparent"? Besides, it doesn't vocalize the emotion well. When you're surprised, you have a "wait, what?" moment, not a calm, "oh, that surprises me." This could stand to come across as more authentic. How she looks isn't going to be her clue as to how she feels anyway. You don't have to look in a mirror to know you're happy, after all.

>she cut her off//

That's already what the dash means. Narrating it as well is redundant.

>“As you wish,” Twilight nodded.//

You're using a non-speaking action as a speech tag.

>laying down and getting comfortable//

"Lay" and "lie" are tough verbs to keep straight, but you need "lying" here.

As this conversation starts, compare the flavor of the narration to what it was at the beginning of the scene. Early on, it was very expressive of Tempest's thoughts and opinions. Now it's just spouting factual statements. Inject some of those flavorful-toned sentences fairly regularly, or it will sound like you've reverted to an omniscient narration.

Consider character voicing. Twilight's speech sounds virtually identical to Tempest's. If I picked out a random statement, I doubt I'd be able to decide who said it based on voice alone. Maybe from the circumstances of what it actually said but not how it said it. You want to give these characters distinct voices. For that matter, you're affecting a very cumbersome voice for both. Purple, florid language has its place, but extemporaneous musings and off-the-cuff dialogue aren't usually a good use for it. At least Twilight could believably have this level of vocabulary, but Tempest didn't especially seem to in the movie, and you're not giving her a reason why she would.

>Surely even among the diplomacy-obsessed Equestrians//

Pretty repetitive to start two sentences in a row with that word.

>Tempest snorted, a mixture of exasperation and quiet amusement on her breath.//

Again, odd for her to outright identify her mood rather than the effect it's having on her. From her perspective, the effect would be the more noticeable thing.

>a bit of//

You use this phrase is consecutive sentences.

>“And at the risk of sounding too pleased with myself,” she looked up to meet Tempest’s gaze.//

Non-speaking action used as a speech tag again.

>delicious food//

How does she know it is? She hasn't tasted it yet.

>shocking and intriguing//

Yet the narration reacts to Twilight very calmly, not as if it's intrigued and shocked.

>“Not quite what I meant,” Tempest shook her head.//

Non-speaking action as speech tag.

>real friends that cared about you//

It's preferred to use "who" instead of "which" or "that" when referring to sentient beings.

>“I didn’t,” she nodded.//

Non-speaking action as speech tag.

>a hole in her heart that she didn’t know she had//

You already spoke to hunger she didn't know she had. It's kind of a cliched thought, as well as being repetitive, but I can't tell if the repetition is intended. I doubt it, but there could actually be a very interesting thematic link here. The key is to make it obvious you're doing it on purpose by acknowledging the repetition. You could have her liken it to the earlier hunger, for example.

>“I never realized.” She finally said.//

Punctuation/capitalization.

>panoply//

You can keep this if you like, but for me, it's an odd word choice. "Panoply" implies a covering that's all over, but this one is only on the horizon. It also connotes something protective, which isn't the case here.

>takedown//

It's kind of weird that you've repeatedly used this to describe his defeat.

>“Thank you for your offer. But I’m learning to be more comfortable with who I am.”//

Looks like there's an inadvertent line break here.

>He gaze//

Typo.

>again, but stopped short. A curious notion washed over her. She looked to the decanter and once again focused on her magic. Her horn sparked again//

That's three uses of the same word very close together.

>“No.” She said quietly to herself.//

Punctuation/capitalization.

There's some nice characterization here, but I'm confused. You submitted it as a complete story and didn't give a synopsis of forthcoming chapters, but on FiMFiction, it's marked as incomplete. The incomplete is probably an oversight on your part (I believe it's the default when you create a story), but it really does feel incomplete.

There's not a big moment of character change here, and Tempest doesn't struggle wih it much. She does wrestle a bit with understanding why Twilight acts the way she does, but not with accepting Twilight's attitude, and it's really that struggle that would or wouldn't introduce tension in to the story. If it's something worth having, it's something worth fighting for, so let me see Tempest's fight to attain what it is she wants here, and let me see Twilight fight to help her get it. When there's just a direct path from need to success without any obstacles, it's hard for the story to make a compelling case. And then when she does get it, there's no catharsis for her.

For that matter, I'm not sure why you're tagging this as AU. There's some talk of a council which may or may not fit into canon, but it's relatively unimportant to what's happening.

I liked your characterization of Tempest, but Twilight's voice is pretty indistinguishable from hers, and it could use some higher-stakes and less easily resolved conflict.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3024

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>well,they//

Missing space.

>There was reason//

Missing word.

>six pointed//

Hyphenate.

>cutiemark//

That's two words.

>well deserved//

Hyphenate.

>Twilight- urk//

Please use a proper dash for interruptions and asides. You have a number of these throughout the story.

>bone crushing//

Hyphenate. Whenever you have a multi-word descriptor used as a single adjective in fron of what it describes, hyphenate the phrase.

>fore legs//

That's one word.

>“Oh, I’m still going”//

Missing period.

>and tried to recall the whirlwind of books and dusty scrolls of that day.//

You'd been using Twilight as your perspective character, but this is within Spike's head.

>lung crushing//

Hyphenate, but that's pretty repetitive with the earlier "bone-crushing."

>out the equation//

Missing word.

>Spike felt the now all-too-familiar embrace of a super-strong alicorn.//

You keep flipping back and forth btween their perspectives, and not in a way that an omniscient narrator would.

>change Rarity’s dress and mask to better suit her new look//

How does she know it'll suit her better? She's not exactly fashionable.

>This would be her spells greatest test//

Missing apostrophe.

>and she payed dearly for a few months back//

Missing word.

>doors.” she said//

Punctuation. And I don't get Luna's point. Why would Rarity be the only one to serve as an example?

>she desperately wishes she there could’ve been another way//

Wording is off.

>her Mom//

I won't get into the grammatical dtails here, but if you'd said just "Mom" here, it would need to be capitalized, but with the "her" in front of it, it shouldn't be.

>Tutancalmel//

Did you mean that to be "camel"?

>If there is a universal constant, then Pinkie is the certainly the universal variable. But if there is one thing Twilight can count on, it’s her friends//

Why are you switching to present tense here?

>lantern lit//

Hyphenate.

>in place like this…//

Missing word.

>wished she had stop breathing//

Syntax is off.

>all she could do is watch her friend melt in front of her eyes//

The comma before this is a splice, and you've gone to present tense again.

>Her only response were//

Singular/plural mismatch.

>when Luna pulled similar stunt//

Missing word.

>ended up finding her hiding in the closet, and thinking she was just vermin, ended up//

Repeated phrasing.

>was out of limelight//

Missing word.

>How had Pinkie not succumb to its power?//

Typo. And I haven't been marking many of the perspective shifts, but this is another. Most of the scene was in Twilight's, but you're going to Celestia here.

Aside from the mechanical things, the biggest issue here is the jumpy perspective. It's a bad idea to skip around to different viewpoints in this limited a narrator, because it can be confusing an jarring when the narrative view keeps changing. It also defeats the purpose of using a limited narrator like this, as the reader's never given the time to settle into the different viewpoints. It'd help if you tried to stick to one character per scene.

Plot-wise, the biggest issue is that Twiligt wanted to make the point that her friends are all as important as her. But given the opportunity to, she never does. To her friends, sure, but they already knew that. She didn't make the point to the crowd, which was the outcome she really wanted.

Consider also that the stakes were never very high. The biggest one of all is that Rarity was upset her dress wouldn't get used. Pinkie and Dash didn't have any issues, Applejack didn't even turn up until afterward, and Fluttershy immediately recovered, so the effect on her wasn't significant. Rarity immediately forgave her, too. When everything gets solved so easily without anyone becoming too upset it undermines that there was anything serious going on in the first place.

Even Twilight's problem seems a little misplaced. She's not uncomfortable with the spotlight; she just wanted that spotlight shining on her friends, but she's in the perfect position to make sure it is, so was there some other reason she was desperately avoiding it? That doesn't come out, and it's not used to balance out the justifcation for her actions, such that the other girls understand why she did it and agree to meet in the middle somewhere. Twilight just kind of comes to the conclusion that she never really had an argument in the first place. Resolve that conflict, don't nullify it. They do apologize to her, but really, for what? None of them were acting unreasonably.

If that mask at the end is so potentially dangerous, why is it so easy for someone to gain access to it? It's also a strange diversion from the story's message to have this tangent that doesn't go anywhere.

There's a nice idea in this story, albeit one that's been done plenty of times before, but it could use some focus on the depth of the emotional journey for all involved. Let me see the stakes involved: what Twilight wants, what she's willing to do to get it (so far, you've got those), and what bad thing will happen if she doesn't. And throw some more obstacles in her path. The only major one is Rarity getting upset; all the rest just solve themselves.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3039

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>The magenta pony//

You're using Tempest as your perspective character. That means you're having her refer to herself using this type of phrase. Who does that?

>the taller mare//

Again, you're having Tempest refer to herself this way.

>the other unicorn//

Similarly, why would she use a reference like this for someone she knows? You don't think of your acquaintances using language like this.

>Taking a quick breath, she rattled off//

Note that participles make things happen at the same time. So she's speaking while inhaling.

>After she started talking about the incinerator room, she just tuned her out.//

This gets convoluted as to which one of them each "she" refers to.

Now I'm going to illustrate something. I'm going to copy out every participial phrase I see in the first scene.
>hidden behind the doors in Twilight's abode//
>turning another corner in the hallway//
>Turning a corner//
>raising an eyebrow//
>Laughing nervously at Tempest's complete non-reaction//
>Taking a few seconds to ponder the proposal//
>crying//
>Rounding the corner//
>turning around//
>Taking a quick breath//
>Noticing that Starlight had finished her spiel//
>trying to remember the directions//
>Double-checking to make sure she had found the pool//
>Freezing for a few seconds//
That's quite a lot. Not overwhelmingly so, but authors of moderate experience tend to rely on this structure too much. They don't turn up a lot in everyday conversation, so they're unusual and stand out easily. Similar are absolute phrases and "as" clauses, and you have your share of those as well:
>as Tempest Shadow, only a few days into her new life, turned a corner and continued her steady pace//
>as the candelabras and other wall decorations passed by//
>as she slammed into another resident of the castle//
>as the other mare shook her head//
>a slight blush rising on her features//
>As Tempest continued to stare silently//
>as the taller mare passed//
>as Starlight continued her "easy" directions to what should have been a simple room//
>her horn-stub dropping electric blue sparks on the floor//
So just watch that you're not getting structurally repetitive.

>protege//

As she's a female, it's technically protegee.

>Ducking under the table//

>Closing the book//
>Seeing she had been acknowledged//
>Chuckling nervously//
I've already made my point about these, but look how you've started 4 paragraphs in a row with participial phrases. That's also very repetitive.

>so, she won't//

There's rarely a reason to put a comma after a conjunction.

>shocked and embarrassed//

That doesn't really describe how she looks. It's just identifying the emotion. It's more like real life when I get a picture and have to evaluate it. So what does Starlight do here? If you describe her reaction well, the reader will deduce these emotions without you having to mention them at all.

>anger and embarrassment//

Yeah, don't just name emotions like that.

>Sunset." Starlight said, give a few soft hoofclaps//

Punctuation, typo. In fact, it looks like you have this punctuation problem quite a bit. If dialogue ends in a period, then replace the period with a comma when you add a speech tag after it.

>We've all got some stories to tell, why don't we see if Cheerilee would let us present them to her class?//

Comma splice.

>cutiemarksarereallyimportantandtheyshouldn'tmakeyoufeeljealous//

Consider that this is supposed to represent her speaking quickly, yet it actually takes longer to read than separate words. It's creating he exact opposite effect. It's better to write this out normally and just say in the narration that she speakd it very fast.

>Those are hands.//

Minotaurs have them. Plenty of creatures have hand-like claws. Why are they so alien to the students?

>—” She beat her hoof against the diagram a couple of times to emphasize—”to//

Be consistent with your dash placement. Either they both go with the speech (which means she stops talking for the action) or both with the narration. And don't capitalize an aside in a quote like this.

>and snarled slightly//

Missing punctuation.

>Ponyville market had always been an impressive sight to visitors.//

You'd been using Tempest as your perspective character. How would she know this?

>Despite being a small town, the market was always filled//

This says the market was a small town.

>whomever was the current mayor//

This is actually a spot for "whoever."

>a reassuring hand//

Yet you just got through making hands sound so mysterious in the schoolhouse.

>metaled hooves//

Why do you keep calling them that?

>laying perfectly still//

Lay/lie confusion. They're tough verbs to keep straight.

>Pausing to dramatically think for a moment, a pink glow//

This says that a pink glow paused to think.

You're basically running through all the same tricks Trixie showed Sunburst. Why not come up with something original?

>The two guffawed at the showpony//

I assume these are modeled after Waldorf and Statler? I approve.

>afraid of having to explain the situation to Twilight//

How does Tempest know this?

>as one Twilight's friends//

Missing word.

>Tempest visibly getting more and more irritated//

How does she know this? She can't see herself, yet you're telling the story from her viewpoint.

>although both it and her magic field seemed to have no effect on the pony//

Now this is being told from Starlight's perspective. To Tempest, "seem" wouldn't enter into it. She'd know.

>Tempest, who was now watching the three ponies with slightly tear-filled eyes//

I'll touch on this in a moment, but this completes a character arc you never started.

>Seeing that Tempest was somewhat upset//

That's more from Twilight's point of view than Tempest's.

On second thought, you didn't quite complete that character arc. So, at the beginning, Tempest is so lackadaisical about joining this group. She has zero interest in it. Why does she? Just to stave off boredom? You have her learn a lesson toward the end, so why not make that a theme through the story. It really needs one, or a lot of it is pointless. And really, the scene at Trixie's show goes on awfully long for something that's both rehashing material from a show episode and not working toward Tempest's character arc.

So why not have Tempest want to join the group? She doesn't even have to be cognizant of why. She might explicitly know she's looking to make friends, or she might just have some unidentified gnawing feeling that she's missing out on something and she hopes she might find it here. Then keep framing every scene through that lens, such that the events are helping her work toward finding that friendship or suffering setbacks.

How to complete it, then? She doesn't have to be completely won over. Even showing her on the road to getting there is fine, but aside from tearing up a little, she didn't show much of a realization that this is something she wants to achieve. Then the ending is pretty weak, as it doesn't have her start to follow through on that. Twilight, of all ponies, isn't even definite about what's happened, and you turn that into a mild joke. Ending on a joke is fine, but you do want the story to have closure. Not necessarily plot closure, to where she's accomplished everything she wants to in friendship, but thematic closure, where the story makes its point.

This was a pretty good story. You have a few mechanical things, like using commas with speech tags and overuse of certain types of phrases, but you also need to tighten up on what the actual story is. Keep things focused and working toward that goal, showing Tempest's progress toward it, both her steps forward and backward. Along those lines, it did seem a little odd for Grubber to show up and then get completely dropped without serving much pirpose. Can he play a role in her character growth? If not, does he really need to be in the story at all?

If you can get those things ironed out, I could see posting this.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3042

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>approximately 19:42 ,//

Extraneous space.

>ambience magic//

I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Are you sure this shouldn't be "ambient" magic?

>Eyewitnesses’ account describe the incident as a sudden of swelling of ambience magic for a few seconds before the aforementioned explosion took place. Bystanders describe the ensuing explosion as a burst of a deep purple magic which tore through the roof and wall of the tower, residence of Twilight Sparkle and her assistant, and then shot upwards to the sky before quickly dissipating.//

What's the difference between an eyewitness and a bystander here? The bystander account is of a direct observation, so aren't they also eyewitnesses? And both essentially say the same thing.

>Captain Shining Armour//

Normally, I don't mind the difference between British and American spellings, but this isn't his name.

>a medical revision//

I have no idea what you're trying to say here either. Maybe you meant "evaluation"?

>Being the only known witness of the event besides Miss Sparkle herself, questioning has been scheduled for tomorrow.//

"Being the only known witness of the event besides Miss Sparkle herself" doesn't describe anything in the sentence. Grammatically it refers to the fact that questioning has been scheduled for tomorrow, which doesn't make sense.

>the guard will continue//

"Guard" would be capitalized here, since it's part of the official title of the group.

In chapter 2, I don't understand the difference between what's underlined and what isn't. I assume it's supposed to represent a form with lines there for writing on, but I don't understand the logic behind which sections have them and which don't. If you really want this to look like a form, it might be a better option to make an actual one and put an image of it in here.

>HPI//

Here's where a balancing act comes in. Authenticity says that this is a document for internal hospital use, so they would use common abbreviations for efficiency. However, you're presenting this outside the intended audience, and I don't know what this means.

>lead to believe//

The past tense is "led."

>Further analysis are required//

You're mixing singular and plural there.

> I don't what should be thanked//

Missing word.

>Per testimony of the Royal Guards//

This is a strange phrasing for this form. Why are medical personnel recording testimony?

>Further analysis are required//

Same singular/plural mixture you had for Spike's report.

>I don’t know how soon will the news of what happened reach you//

Syntax is off.

>I was doing the routine check up of the guard//

Just "check" would sound more reasonable here. "Check up" often has a medical connotation.

>We thought it may have been an attack at first, you know we’ve been on the edge//

That's a comma splice. Now since this is a letter the character has written, the error could plausibly be the character's and not the author's, so I guess that depends on whether you're deliberately having him make this error. And the idiom is just "on edge."

>back detachments from all over Equestria back//

Watch the close word repetition.

>the Twilight’s tower//

Extraneous word.

>Princess Celestia herself was flying straight for the tower, part of the roof was caved in. I don’t I don’t know what happened I got there as fast as I could.//

The firs sentence is a comma splice, and the second kind of is, except that it doesn't even have the comma.

>shewas//

Needs a space, and I can't tell why the sentence cuts off. This is the kind of thing that happens in dialogue, not a letter.

>anyof//

Needs a space.

Why didn't Shining Armor sign his letter?

>Residents of the city were rocked early in the night by a loud blast coming from the Royal Castle.//

Why is the byline in a smaller font than the article?

>In the eve//

on the eve

>Southwest//

Why is this capitalized?

>in the proximities of the castle//

If you really want to use that word, a more normal phrasing would be something like "in close proximity to the castle."

>Spike: “How is Twilight? Can I see her?”//

I guess I've never seen an actual interview report, but it seems odd they'd do it in script format. Unless maybe this was taken down by a court reporter or something, but one isn't identified. A poilice officer isn't going to write it down word for word, for example, much less his own dialogue.

>honest...//

And it seems odd that whoever this is would record speech affectations, like trailing off. They're only interested in the facts, not the nuance of how it's said.

>Spike: “… ”//

>Copper: “…”//
This might cut it as video game dialogue, but not in good writing. Whoever is compiling this report is actually going to write this down? I don't buy it.

>However, thanks to the testimony of Spike//

Missing a space between paragraphs.

>ambience magic//

Same issue with that word choice earlier in the story.

>rundown observatory//

"Rundown" is a noun that means a summary. You want "run-down." Though that tends to mean in bad shape through chronic neglect, not ruined by some freak accident.

>delegated investigator//

While it's possible this is a valid meaning (it would mean that the investigator in charge made someone under his command do it instead of him), I think it's more likely you intended something closer to "designated."

>South tower//

I don't know why that would be capitalized, but didn't you earlier say it was the southwest?

>Copper: “…”//

Again, it's not believable she'd write this.

>events of the Summer Sun Celebration has//

You have a mismatch of singular and plural: events... has.

>Strictly off the record.//

This is to Copper's commanding officer, right? Don't they ever see each other in person? Why does Copper have to communicate this via letter?

>several concussions//

I didn't realize it was possible to have more than one at a time. I suppose she could have kept injuring herself, but then I have to question what goes on at this hospital.

>could not be awaken//

Typo.

>Nervous system had suffered a thaumaturgic feedback, causing.//

Causing what?

>protégé//

Twilight's female, so protégée.

>A meeting of the Royal Guard and the Royal Archmage Court, was held at the Royal Canterlot Castle on the fourth of January at noon.//

There's no reason to have that comma.

>Ambience magic//

Same word use issue with that.

>The Guard is still on the look//

on the lookout

>discomfort and uncertainty is//

Plural subject with singular verb.

>expedite//

expedited

I assume they have the authority to present their findings to the public without Celestia's approval? Seems like they're breaking the chain of command here.

>Asure//

Assure

>Southwest tower//

Again, I don't know why you're capitalizing directions, but you've also switched yet again on whether it's the south or southwest tower.

>a private room//

Seems like on all these statements of which room, if it's worth saying where it was at all, it's worth being specific, like noting a room number.

>there were only a few rooms left in the towers to take care//

take care of

>Additionally, if she speaks the truth//

A number of these documents have spots like this where there's a new paragraph without indenting or leacing a blank line. Don't do both, but you need one or the other.

>ambience magic//

I'm going to stop marking these. Just assume you need to sweep all the chapters for this word usage.

>further worked would be required//

Typo.

>As far as the Court is concerned, the matter of the Summer Sun Incident has reached its conclusion.//

Really? They still don't know what magic was used or if Twilight was the one using it.

>Twilight Sparkle casted Dark Magic//

In the sense of magic, the past tense is usually used as "cast."

>Letter of Discharge//

This is not at all how any military would deal with a soldier in Shining Armor's situation. I realize the Royal Guard wouldn't necessarily operate like any Earth nation's army, but it's strange to have such a departure from that when there isn't a need to. And doesn't Shining Armor outrank Lt. Heartmare? How can a lieutenant remove him from duty then?

>Its resident, Twilight Sparkle, who was severely injured in the process.//

That's not a complete sentence.

>protégé//

protégée

>we hope for her soon recovery//

You're using an adverb as an adjective here.

>Actions will be taken to ensure that such an occurrence will not happen again peace and safety which characterise our beloved city.//

Something went wrong here.

>who have maintain//

Typo/

>a homage//

an

>I have no ground to ask for an apology//

Why would she ask for an apology? She should be offering one.

>disgrace has fallen Twilight Sparkle//

befallen

>downed upon Equestria//

dawned

>a millennia//

millennium

I'm a little surprised there wasn't any sort of public announcement. Celestia didn't ask Twilight's parents to keep it secret, after all. I do find it curious how Luna's banishment didn't leave a body behind, but Twilight's did. There's definitely a balancing act where it can feel justified or not as to outright explaining everything for the reader. And in a case like this, where you'd spent many chapters doling out the facts little by little, only to make that all moot by giving up the entire thing, after inviting the reader to assemble all the little clues. It does feel like a let-down, at least for me, but that's secondary at this point.

Primary is to fix all the editing issues and quirks, like all the mechanical errors I noted and the procedural things that didn't make sense (interview reports recorded in script format, essentially having a junior officer relieve his superior officer of duty, etc.)

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3054

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>and—" My sister glanced to her nervous looking elegant orange-maned manager. "—and//

A narrative aside cutting into a quote like that shouldn't be capitalized or end in a period.

>nervous looking//

>foil decorated//
Hyphenate.

I'm barely a couple paragraphs in, and I'm already suffering participle overload. The first paragraph wasn't too bad overall, except the first two sentences both end in a participial phrase, which gives you a repetitive feel right as the story begins. But then look at this sentence:
>Minutes later Sassy and I trotted toward Canterlot Castle up Alicorn Way, levitating foil decorated boxes tied with ribbons and bows, trying to avoid traffic consisting of stallions in suits wearing top hats and mares in spring dresses sporting green bows.//
You have 6 participial phrases in one sentence. That's actually impressive. But it isn't good.

>She threw open the red door to the bottom flat of a duplex brownstone, tossing her keys onto a glass coffee table with a bang.//

Also keep in mind that participles mean things happen simultaneously. So she tosses her keys while opening the door here.

>splashed with paint from a paint factory explosion//

That just sounds self-explanatory. Maybe you need better imagery. Go for something outlandish.

>Sugar Cube Corner//

Canon spelling has "Sugarcube" as one word.

>(And if that last gets back to Scoots or Bloom, I'll know it was you who said it.)//

Wait, who am I? No audience has been mentioned for her. If you're going to do that, establish it up front, but there's more going on here. It depends on how she's telling the story. Am I accompanying her? Or is she telling me/writing about it after the fact? If the former, nobody's acknowledged I'm there. If the latter, it doesn't ring true, since nobody could remember these events in enough detail to reconstruct entire conversations word for word. The way this is typically handled is by jumping to flashback scenes so that the past events can reasonably be presented "live," though there are other ways. I'm just not sure how you intend to portray this, but it isn't working. EDIT: Now that I've read the whole thing, I'd recommend getting rid of this. You barely revisit addressing the reader in any fashion, and you never even identify who "you" is. This bit stands out as the part that doesn't belong with the rest.

>using her horn to boil the kettle//

Rarity doesn't do this in her own kitchen. Seems odd that anyone who wasn't particularly powerful (or who had that as their special talent, I guess) would be able to.

>Sassy and Twilight were the same age.//

Why is Twilight being brought into this? She's not relevant to anything that's happening. Sweetie just mentioned Rarity. Why wouldn't she give Sassy's age relative to her?

>an hurricane-aftermath//

That's not a spot for "an."

>rumbled shirts//

Are you sure you didn't mean "rumpled"?

>sound— the//

Don't put space on either side of an em dash.

>Posters displayed the constellations and aspects of the Milky Way. One displayed//

Watch the close repetition.

>a obsidian//

an

>I— You//

No space.

You've kind of already let on what this colt's deal is when he said it was too noisy at night, so it's a little off-putting that he's not going to tell her now, and she hasn't figured it out.

>wrote on the chalkboard by the door using the chalk in his mouth//

This is agian something that sounds rather self-explanatory, but it also sounds kind of like he had the chalk in there all along.

This colt seems rather matter-of-fact about his parents' deaths. And why is he throwing a sweater at Sweetie Belle?

>which smelled faintly horsey//

Then why'd she put it on? I mean even without the smell, why'd she put it on? He didn't tell her to, and I still don't get why he threw it at her. He hasn't asked her to go anywhere with him, and she hasn't acknowledged that she will.

>the sky turn deep yellow, orange, then crimson. In minutes, the sky started turning blue//

Kind of repetitive. Plus it takes some time for all this to happen. She's already been self-conscious about this seeming like a date, so she's just going to gloss over this time period without comment?

>peddling her legs//

You sure you didn't mean "pedaling"? Even so, it's kind of an odd word choice.

>Blue." I said//

Punctuation.

>It was indeed as silky as I imagined.//

You're really going out of your way to talk up this OC. I understand why Sweetie Belle would do so externally, but I don't know why she'd think he's so great. She doesn't even know him yet. Just be aware of how many readers will take this. It takes a lot of gradual convincing that an OC is worth caring about, and you're kind of forcing the issue. People will assume this is a representation of you.

>"Who?" He asked.//

Capitalization.

>I just smiled. Just//

Watch that close repetition of "just." It's a word many authors tend to overuse.

>Fire Break//

Does Sweetie Belle know him? She hasn't indicated she does, but in her limited narartion, she's come up with his name without it being mentioned.

>as he rubbed Blue's head like a tike as we left//

Kind of clunky to stack up two "as" clauses like that.

>"Yes, princess."//

As a term of address, that would be capitalized.

>There's been some oversights!//

This is just strangely worded. I can't figure out what she means.

>Oh, yes, I remember her when she called herself Pins. She studied to be a doctor, but the dean of the school didn't like her 'prickly' ideas. Right. A good mare. Sweetie Belle, see that Blue visits the office of the exchequer.//

I assume this means Blue is due some kind of inheritance or some such? It's rather strange to bring it up and close the matter in such rapid fashion, not to mention assigning Sweetie Belle the responsibility for handling it. Plus I hope it'll end up being pertinent to the plot that Sassy wanted to be a doctor.

>text checker//

You can't have this both ways. It's her limited narration, so when she heard Luna says it, she's the one who perceived it as the correct word. She can't get it wrong now.

>And with that, she sprung into the sky and soared off.//

She leaves so abruptly and without explanation. It feels more like the plot had no more use for her than she had an actual reason to leave.

>She visited all of Ponyville together in one big dream once//

Did she really swear an entire town to secrecy? I guess there's precedent for that, though. *cough*Equestria Girls*cough*

>That elicited a dainty royal chuckle and I turned to gaze into her royal blue eyes.//

Needs a comma between the clauses.

>We— I//

Extraneous space.

>first name basis//

first-name basis

>Er— I've//

Extraneous space.

>old mares tales//

old mares' tales

>Tears streamed down his cheeks.//

This is sudden, and she relates it as a mundane fact. It really feels like she's completely unaffected by it.

>Canterlot mountain//

If that's a proper place name, then "mountain" would be capitalized too.

>She cast another spell and a faintly glowing blue bubble formed around each of us.//

Needs a comma between the clauses.

>lay down//

lie

>He lay//

This seems like an odd word choice. It doesn't connote any urgency.

>"Please," he pleaded.//

That seems self-explanatory.

>"Blue," Luna said, "What did you sense?"//

Because of the way you punctuated that, you're saying both parts of the quote form a single sentence. That's fine. But then you're capitalizing "What" in the middle of a sentence.

>Oh, and I learned that some of the voices he heard were the stars.//

This glosses over a lot, and she's so glib about it that it doesn't carry any weight.

>It was ponies' dreams he heard when he slept.//

That's been obvious from the start.

>dinner." Luna said//

>sister." she said//
Punctuation.

>her sisters' ear//

You have a plural possessive where you need a singular.

There are a number of editing issues, and I'll step aside for a minute to sy that I have been keeping up with the previous story you submitted here. I've enjoyed it, but a lot of the same editing mistakes I helped you clear up in the early chapters are popping up again in the newer ones, some of them pretty obvious. I was hoping you'd take a little more care with editing.

In the end, why does it matter that this happened? Sweetie Belle was "hired" to help Blue find his cutie mark, but he didn't. Blue found out what the voices were, but so far, that's been treated as no more than a curiosity. What's he going to do with this knowledge? He's been brought on as Luna's student, probably because she's the best one to instruct him in an ability nobody else has, but it's also just kind of tossed in there. Neither he nor Luna shows too much of a definite plan of what that entails. There's so much that's open-ended here.

Now, open endings are fine, but there's a way to make them work, and that's to establish what the stakes and likelihood of the various possible outcome are. That's really not happening here. All these potential pieces are set into motion, but it' vague about what direction things might head, and nobody seems that emotionally attached to any particular outcome. If the characters don't care that much, it's hard for the reader to. Sweetie Belle's a first-person narrator, so we should have a front-row seat to how all this is affecting her, but she doesn't have a plan and she doesn't seem invested in where things are going.

And that's the biggest weakness here. It feels like I'm tossing along in the current with these events, but they're not heading anywhere.


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