That's just a single word, no hyphen.
>A final, rattling grasp,//
I have to think you meant "gasp." And the comma after it has no business being there.
>she looked glanced//
>It seems that none of them had left yet either.//
Switched to present tense.
>Sassaflash was laying on her stomach//
>the sound of pounding on manor’s front door//
>The bath just overflowed!//
Wait the upstairs bathtub overflowed without any of the downstairs plumbing getting backed up? How does that happen?
>While she trailed off//
Redundant with the fact that her dialogue ended with an ellipsis.
>destroying the pony’s homes//
Presumably you meant that to affect more than one pony (who apparently owns multiple homes).
The whole term is an honorific, and it would be capitalized.
>tore mighty furrow//
>As the broken stone rained down upon Sombra, he rolled back to his hooves summoning a pair of crystalline swords as he went.//
You're using an awful lot of "as" clauses around here, to the point they're becoming repetitive. But it's especially clunky to have two in the same sentence, as you're over-specifying the synchronization.
>the quarrels clattering uselessly against it//
You just called them bolts. It's a subtle difference, but bolts and quarrels aren't the same thing.
>had lead her fellow guards//
The past tense is "led."
>Sugarcoat did have point though.//
>empty grain sacks laying around//
>We,” she waved a hoof at her fellow guards, “have//
Use that narrative aside formatting I showed you.
>They had the beginnings of a riot on their hooves and while Ponyville might be full of brave ponies, but with the stormcrows, it could turn into a massacre.//
That "but" doesn't parse.
>The crow leapt into the air, kicking out with its hind legs//
Huh? Crows don't have hind legs.
>pegasai weather resistance//
Another word that I can't believe the majority of authors can't spell.
>you and the lot that can still walk, will get these injured out of here and stay out of our way!//
No reason to have a comma there.
Change tack or change tactics, depending on what exactly you mean.
>lest the detonation scattered//
"Lest" goes with infinitive forms, so just use "scatter."
Capitalize the honorific. But also note that when you used "highness" earlier, that's the proper address for a prince or princess. This one is used for a king or queen.
>Sombra grit his teeth//
The past tense is "gritted."
>push onto Ponyville//
"Onto" and "on to" don't mean the same thing. What you have means to move to the surface of Ponyville.
>With the tunnels of Centum Cellae behind them now//
It's always a strange thing to have the first reference to a character in a scene be via pronoun, since there's no antecedent for it. There are times it works to keep the person's identity vague, but there's no reason for that here. Even if you don't name names and use something generic like "the group," it's better than just using a "them" when you haven't said who they are.
>She wondered how it was fairing?//
That isn't a question. And in this sense, it's "faring."
>Don’t you pegasai//
>between the group//
That's not a good place to use "between." For one, it refers to there being two things; for more than that, "among" is the correct choice. But "in the middle" or some such is a more normal phrasing anyway.
>There’s no record of where they were placed afterwords//
An afterword is like an epilogue or author's note.
>They were just…unexpected.//
I don't know what "they" is. The things Sonata said? You hadn't been referring to them in the plural.
That's a weird phrasing. Maybe you meant "alighting"? If so, don't use "itself."
>Equestrian Mints wide open arches//
>it had brought with all the memories//
"Cowardice" is probably a better, simpler word to use here.
>While you were dealing with the mint//
You're inconsistent at capitalizing "mint." Unless you're using it as a title, you don't have to, but even in that case, you're mixing and matching.
>the bustling ponies that worked on them//
When you're talking about sentient creatures, use "who" instead of "that."
>As they continued towards Roam//
You're leaning on those "as" clauses again. Starting here, you have four of them in just three sentences.
>Pausing for a moment, her tail//
This says her tail paused. It also says the action that follows happens at the same time as the pause, which is contradictory.
>You have all of us to.//
That's either an incomplete sentence, or you've confused to/too.
>The sparser cloud cover finally allowing some non-alchemical created light into their lives.//
You haven't been in the habit of using sentence fragments in the narration, so this doesn't feel like it belongs.
>The close packed brick constructed insula apartments giving way to the wealthier single family domus built from marble and other more expensive materials.//
>It lead us away from the caprataurs//
You don't need to capitalize this, since it still parses as part of the same thought, and the past tense is "led."
>What was it dad said?//
Family relations get capitalized when effectively used as names. So it'd be "What was it Dad said?" but "What was it her dad said?"
>A single doorway lead//
>the sizes all all off//
>an and end//
>Apparently it's rainbow nature wasn’t part of her alicorn state.//
>Key words, would still be the best way//
Why is that comma there?
Don't use a comma with an ellipsis.
>it’s body was full of holes//
>it was been unmistakable//
Syntax is off.
>how so hopelessly naive//
I'd go with only one of "how" or "so." As phrased, it sounds like she's asking a question.
>She had barely began//
>The leather ranger armor//
They make armor out of the cows they talk to?
>The next vision took place inside//
This is an odd lead-in. For one thing, it makes Adagio seem very aware that it isn't real, and I haven't gotten that sense so far. But it also makes it feel less in the moment with her, as if she's cataloging things instead of experiencing this very unexpected and disturbing imagery. When something like that happens, you probably wouldn't have the wherewithal to reflect on it until afterward.
>collection of scrolls were piled//
"Collection" is treated as a singular noun, so you need "was."
>We’re coming in?//
That's really strange as a question.
>“Destroyer of Dreams”,//
Comma goes in the quotes.
>He extended a clawed half//
Half what? I don't understand.
>now had a purple gem was set//
Syntax is off.
>Sonata’s was a light, airy pink color, Aria a sturdy looking orange and Suri a striking red color//
Note how you start (correctly) using a possessive, then switch to plain names for the rest.
>came up her fetlocks//
Missing a "to" in there?
>the magic of the Elements having fixed the broken one//>happy that the damage to her horn had likewise been healed..//
Well, that's inordinately convenient. And the second one has an extra period.
One dot too many.
>I’m honored to that you think that I’m worthy//
>spoiled, power hungry, vainglorious, excuse//
Don't put a comma after the last item in the list.
>The sixth element, isn’t just magic//
Why is that comma there?
>a different tact//
I commented on this tact/tack confusion earlier.
>I have friends now that can help//
Use "who," not "that."
>If you wish to stay hiding down here//
Missing your opening quotation marks. You're fine at leaving the closing ones off the previous paragraph, but you do have to refresh the opening ones for a new paragraph.
>I have made me case.//
Typo. And she really hasn't made her case. She just made a vague statement about how they should consider using a politician for once, but she didn't really say anything persuasive. I'm not sure why she thought that'd be enough.
>finding herself laying on the floor//
Lay/lie confusion, and you use these "found herself" phrasings quite a bit.
>to sent Chroma packing//
>doing a happy loop around his master//
Ambiguous way to describe Aria, since you just described him as Master Tirek.
>Tirek’s eyes lit up as she took in the group.//
Who is "she" here?
>Both his cheer and sentence were cut off//
I can already see that because of what should be a dash. Narrating it as well is redundant.
>the Elements presence//
>slamming her to the ground and pressing a hoof against her head//>She began to press down on Aria’s head//
So after she pressed a hoof against Aria's head, she began pressing a hoof against Aria's head?
Needs a comma or an "and."
>She and her friends began to rise from the ground, slipping free of their bonds. Rainbow motes of light began to flow between them//
You really needs to watch how many times you use "begin" or "start" actions. They're starting to get repetitive, but they're also rarely necessary. It's obvious that any given action will begin. It's only worth pointing out that beginning when it's significant for some reason, like it's abrupt, or the action never finishes.
>The magic reached its crescendo//
People often say this erroneously, but it's nonsensical. The error arises from thinking "crescendo" means a peak, but it doesn't. It means an increase.
Seriously, do a search and replace of that spelling.
>I was so wrapped up in the fact we beat Chroma that I forgot about her third part!//
Not to mention that Adagio seemed to forget about Chrysalis's fate.
>Turning to face Adagio and her friends, she//
This says Adagio's the one turning to face her friends and... herself, somehow.
This aside about Cirrus feels really shoehorned in. Many readers aren't going to get the reference, and indeed, such clouds appear in many different things, so it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly which one you mean.
>“So...how do you make this thing goooooooo-” Adagio began, only to break into a shriek//
A word about cutoffs. When speech get cut off, the very next thing in the story needs to be what cut it off, be it speech or an action. The fact that the narrator gets to wedge in "Adagio began, only to" undercuts the sense of suddenness and delays the effect from the cause.
Pay attention to how this would actually be pronounced. How do you prolong a "k" sound without sounding like you're hacking up something from your throat? In this situation, you wouldn't do that.
>The ramshackle easily covered half the mountain//
The ramshackle what?
>Continuing to channel,.//
Something got messed up here.
>Bolt, after bolt, after bolt//
You don't need those commas.
>most of them wide as a house//
That's not the way real lightning works. They can appear wide, just because they're too bright to perceive accurately, but the actually bolt is very thin.
>Chroma cackled with glee//
You already had her as gleeful earlier in the paragraph.
>blow her hooves//
You're using a possessive where you need a plural.
No comma. It would only replace a period, and it doesn't get used in conjunction with any other punctuation.
>“Stars above…,”//>“Woah…,” Aria muttered.//
Please stop putting commas after ellipses, and please, please, please, learn to spell "whoa."
Why is Adagio saying the same thing as Suri? If it's intentional repetition, you have to do something to acknowledge it. Otherwise it comes across as an oversight.
>pointed to there once being some manner of city having been built there//
That's a really convoluted phrasing.
>the ash up to their fetlocks//
Set off the absolute phrase with a comma.
A word about your descriptions.>Starlight had managed to land them near a jagged looking cave, running into the depths of the mountain. A relatively flat patch of mountain ground surrounded it, maybe large enough for a house or two to stand side by side upon. A few charred posts behind them pointed to a bridge having been there at one point, while a half collapsed pile of cinders and ash beneath a charred outline to their right pointed to what may have been a set of stairs before the conflagration. Perhaps more worrying and unmistakable though were the smoky tendrils of blackness that still clung to the cave edge.//
It just gets annoying when the narration keeps adding qualifiers or saying very vague things. Give me things that are definitive, concrete. Look how much you waffle in this paragraph. It's not jagged, it's jagged-looking. It's not flat, it's relatively flat. It's not large enough to encompass a house, it's "maybe" large enough to hold "one or two" houses. It wasn't a staircase, it may have been one. It's not more worrying, it's perhaps so. A little of this is fine, but in the aggregate, this is just telling me the narrator doesn't know anything and is engaging in all kinds of conjecture. I don't want conjecture. I want to know facts.
>way.” Lightning Dust argued.//
>thing they could hear were//
Number agreement: thing -> were
I have no idea what this means anyway, but you'd been spelling it differently.
>Instinctively, she went for her rapier, thrusting it at the fuzzy little death ball.//
Since I'm on the last chapter anyway, I'll point out another example of something that's been a problem throughout the story. Look at this paragraph. I skipped the first sentence to copy this one out, because the first one is the only one that doesn't end in a participial phrase. The sentence structures in this paragraph are incredibly repetitive.
>these little ponies fault//
>The only talking I’m interested in doing, involves both of you surrendering.//
Why do you have a comma there?
>The following few minutes were among the most terrifying of Adagio’s life//
And yet the limited narration in her perspective is awfully bland about it. A limited narration is supposed to take on the character's voicing. If she's terrified, the narration should sound like she is.
>We got out flanks//
>when it shows it’s snout//
Usually spelled jeez, geez, or geeze.
>sick more monsters on me//
>It was still amazing to Raindrops how fast the remaining Everfree Rangers had been subdued.//
She's supposedly startled by Sombra asking her the question, and it makes her jump. So how does she have time to muse on this entire paragraph before reacting to it? By detaching the reaction so far from the cause, it loses cohesion.
"Forest" would be capitalized as well. It's part of the name.
At this point, I wonder what Apple Bloom's perspective on her sister is. Or if it even is her sister in this world. Otherwise, I'm surprised nobody's asked her, since they all know Applejack will be a potential enemy.
>Suri grit her teeth//
>Across the way, Adagio grit her teeth//
One sentence later, and she's doing it, too?
Canon spells it "tatzlwurm."
I'd suggest using "winding," or it sounds like you're talking about air.
>wurms beady little eyes//
>“Thank you Aria,” Adagio nodded.//
How do you nod dialogue?
>the beasts side//
One dot too many.
>It was unmistakably her to//
>Echidna’s voice then began to rise over Aria’s, her tune becoming more forceful and quicker paced. The tatzelwurms began to shake the confusion from their heads//
Two more examples of those "began" actions, and in consecutive sentences, no less.
>As she came in low, her horn began to glow as she summoned up a spell.//
And the "as" clauses are still being overused. Two in a single sentence here, and the previous sentence has one, too.
There's more than one element, but you have a singular possessive.
>as Chroma’s castle was exposed and began to list to the side as it crumbled//
Two more "as" clauses and a "began" action in the same sentence.
>Despite the bright and sunny they found themselves in//
The bright and sunny what?
>Considering that nature of the visions//
Phrasing is off.
>her friend’s assault wounding her just as emotionally//
So put that on display. Don't just expect me to take your word for it.
>neither Sombra nor Chrysalis were//
With an either/or or neither/nor structure, the verb takes the number of the last item. So, since you'd say "Chrysalis was," that's the one to use.
>for not long after King Sombra arrived//
I'd recommend a comma before his name, or it sounds like you're saying something happened not long after he arrived.
One dot too many.
>the what that would all entail//
I don't know what you were trying to say here.