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Pre-reader 63.546"s Equestria Daily Feedback Thread Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92UCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 23[View][Last 50 Posts]

#Reviewer

As everyone should know by now, Equestria Daily has gone almost exclusively to short bullet-point reviews, except in cases where only a small number of items need to be corrected for posting. I enjoy giving longer reviews, but can no longer do so through Equestria Daily, so I will post them here. I will only do so for stories that in my estimation would have passed the old automoon system; others will get only the bullet-point treatment in the email.

This thread is only for the authors in question and me. They are free to ask questions or ask me to remove their reviews from the thread for any reason. For any other traffic, I will ask a mod to delete it. General questions about Equestria Daily or the pre-reading process should be posted here:
>>128414

Note that I won't give an exhaustive list of errors; I'll provide a representative list of the types of problems I find and leave it to the author to scour his story for the rest.

To avoid repeating myself, I'll post a few of the more common discussion topics up here; your review may refer you to one or more of these.

Dash and hyphen use:
Hyphens are reserved for stuttering and hyphenated words. Please use a proper dash otherwise. They can be the em dash (Alt+0151) with no spaces around it or en dash (Alt+0150) surrounded by spaces. Some usage (primarily American) employs only the em dash, while other usage (primarily British) employs an em dash for cutoffs and an en dash for asides. It doesn't matter which system an author uses, as long as he is consistent.

Comma use with conjunctions:
There may be other grammatical reasons to place commas, but in the simplest forms, commas accompany conjunctions to separate clauses, not to separate two items of a compound subject, verb, or object. The most common simple sentence forms are:
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Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92UCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3621

>>3620
Chapter 2:
As I continue on, I'm not going to keep pulling out examples of the same things I saw in chapter 1, so assume you still need to scan the whole story for the issues already noted.

>They silently hovered there, wings lightly buzzing//
If they're buzzing, they're not silent, are they?

>yet-still-concealing//
You only need that second hyphen.

>they’d ran//
run

>broodingly pondered//
The narrative voice is getting a bit off track again. You're using Dash as your perspective character in this scene—the narrator is essentially her train of thought. So she's the one making the word choices here, and this doesn't sound like something she'd come up with, especially in an off-the-cuff manner like this.
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Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92UCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3653

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

Chapter 1:
>The human female//
He's been calling her by name in dialogue, so why is he referring to her like this in the narration, which is effectively his train of thought? You don't mentally use such references for acquaintances, do you?

>the dalek’s nerve-endings outraced the self-contained explosion that would immolate it; barely enough time to even register it.//
For a semicolon to be used right, you should be able to replace it with a period and have both resulting sentences stand as complete. What comes after it here would be a fragment.

>The pain didn’t last as long time//
Phrasing is off.

>And eventually, no doubt, tortured, as it had been by Van Statten.//
There are a few lines like this that are a bit problematic. It's tied to how you state in the opening author's note that the reader should have seen a particular Doctor Who episode before reading this, but that's not how we treat crossover stories. For our purposes, you should assume the reader has little to no knowledge of Doctor Who and write the story so someone like that could understand it. The beginning was fine. If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't know who Rose was, but you talked through the circumstances enough that I have a little background about how long the war has been going on, and why this dalek is different. But here, I'm left completely on my own. Just give me a couple sentences about who Van Statten is and what he did.

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Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92UCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3654

>>3653
Chapter 5:
>Soldier ran straight towards where the crystal that had once been the optical lens of her Mark-III travel machine, on the library’s table.//
That doesn't parse. The "where" clause doesn't have a verb.

You still have issues with whether you capitalize "travel machine" or add a hyphen after "Mark." Just go through the whole story for those.

>Staring into it, the ludicrousness of the situation and what she was doing finally occurred to Soldier.//
This says that the ludicrousness was staring into it.

>Twilight seemed utterly shocked//
How so? Let me see it and make my own judgment.

>“Except…” she looked back to Twilight, quieter.//
Non-speaking action used as a speech tag.
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File: 1532457379586.jpg (99.09 KB, 791x1011, summer_sun_celebration_by_kp_s…)

Freshly published story: Supernova Daybreak Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3432[View]

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/415153/supernova-daybreak

I'm trying to win a writing competition with this one.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3647

>>3432
...Did you win that competition?

File: 1533152054560.png (213.95 KB, 400x800, kawaii.png)

Spirit's Art & Commissions Spirit ShineCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3451[View]

Those of you who've been around for a long while might know that I used to like to draw a lot. Now that I'm done with school, I'd like to draw more often and professionally. If what I do interests you, please follow me on social media and consider commissioning me. Your support is greatly appreciated!

DeviantArt
Tumblr
Twitch
Patreon
This post was edited by its author on .
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AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3520

File: 1541431030615.gif (1.21 MB, 450x390, wow.gif)

http://musclegirls.pro/gifsnn/wow.gif

Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3548

File: 1544159977618.jpg (19.68 KB, 500x355, 8D5n2YD.jpg)

>>3493
>

>>3520
:3

Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3549

File: 1544167374287.png (742.88 KB, 750x1000, Xiao Lu.png)

I drew my friend something for Christmas but I can't show anyone yet!! So I shall secretly share it with all of you :3c

File: 1541432180508.png (18.08 KB, 380x301, Caitians at the Beach.png)

100% Buzzing Blueberry Drone Bugycorn of FOREST HIVECountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3521[View]

Yo, I am- makin a few furries from star trek in PONY TOWN

waiting... Until, they can use another game web 2 create furry dolls [within Game Boy Color design] I was- some into (Shantae) & (Lola Bunny) moments

http://kabelpodtehpony.deviantart.com

I created, an furrysona name E'Rokyta the Alien Lioness

If any, doodler ~ sketcher ~ drawer wanna do their own versions of my OC's/ you can for fun

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3532

Good to know.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3544

>>3534
Why?

File: 1529450664598.jpg (23.48 KB, 230x173, 09 Greeny Rainstream.png)

Rainstream's Art Thread RainstreamCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3372[View]

Huh, could have sworn I had an art thread around here somewhere. Eh whatever I never used it anyway. Must have gotten killed during the whole shift back in 2013. Geez I've been gone a while.
I'm in a concise mood.
I'mma make art and post it here.
Comment if you like it or give me critique and stuff. I've literally just started drawing 2 weeks ago so I need all the help I can get.
I take requests.
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Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3414

File: 1530343814491.jpg (78.34 KB, 755x960, 141212433477.jpg)

>>3413
Yeah, that's my roommate. He went to bed about halfway through and he snores like a bear.

RainstreamCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3461

File: 1533580718103.jpg (1.83 MB, 3024x4032, 12 Lydia.jpg)

I made an orcadragon OC.

Her name is Lydia.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3543

>>3372
>>3394
>>3461

Pretty good work.

Pinkie Drinks Monster [ANIMATION] AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3490[View]

Pinkie Drinks Monster [ANIMATION]

Pinkie Pie Drinks Monster [ANIMATION]

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3523

Sensible chuckle.

File: 1523335384865.jpg (207.98 KB, 1600x900, epic 2.jpg)

Remembering: Sensual Stories Threads, The Collection SonicPony45Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3162[View]

Oh man, do I have a throwback post for you guys. Okay, a long time ago, back in the baby days of Ponychan, before the merger, before the drama and everything, this site used to be much larger with TONS of boards. It was litty. The year was 2011 and the Brony fandom was still in its infancy.

This board used to be called /fic/, because music, games and videos had their own boards. Me and a few other O.G's used to have a running thread called "Sensual Stories" thread. it was SO popular, we'd revise the thread everytime we reached 500+ posts. I mean, we were on like "Sensual Stories Thread #35" in just a few months, it was fucking huge.

The point was to create a single short story in as few posts as possible. Stories ranged from HOT to Awww and everything in between. They were romance stories, often told from 2nd person, and were very popular. We'd write our stories and review or critique each others work. It was awesome.

I made ALOT of friends on those sensual threads, and we accumulated many fans. We had haters who would tell us "clopping was wrong" and stuff, and it was understandable. See, this was back in the day when the creators of the SHOW would ACTUALLY come HERE to chat with us. We had artists, animators and even a few writers come to Ponychan and chop it up, so many were worried about what our stories were gonna do.

Anyway, the Sensual Stories Threads lasted for YEARS, but started dying in 2014~ When this site went redux, many boards got merged. Many cool secret boards and staff left (Staff used to be SO interactive with us, it was great), and them the merger happened and even more changed.

But my boi Sandman... he collected some of our FIRST works from the first 5 or so Sensual Stories Threads and put them in 6 PDF's. I literally made a DropBox account, JUST to share them. They have been in my SkyDrive (One Drive now) since 2012, and I just read some of our early works. He build a very nice book out of them, and added credits to the writers. It brought a tear to my eye as I read some of our works. I've been with this fanbase since day one and to see the names of all my fellow O.G's that are no longer on this site makes me miss the beginnings. Season 2 was still hyping up, Lauren Faust was still active on the show, this site had ALL the traffic, EQD was a fucking BABY site, bronies were SO creative, everyday was NEW user content. Music, flash games, animation and of course...sensual stories.. so here i
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PonySonic45Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3212

>>3168

Yeah, its been a minute for me. This site is much slower than the old days. I've been away into the Navy. I'm finishing up and going to go to college. My life has Def changed. I went from gang banging to sailor and now college student.

Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3371

File: 1529450289790.gif (2.22 MB, 363x866, soexcited.gif)

You still have them?! Dude, you rock!

AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3522

>>3162
Boy, you sound like you had a great time I remember one fan-fic which was beyond awesome for me, called: "The Conversion Bureau: Ten Days".

File: 1434157849969.png (49.34 KB, 358x306, fluttersad.png)

i did a thing Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 657[View]

i wrote a fanfic on dA that i hope to adapt into an animated series in the future (that's why it's written in a lovable script format) pls give me your feedback or else fluttershy will cri
http://datponeenthusiast90.deviantart.com/art/Decibelle-and-Gingerroot-Ep-2-ACT-I-538113930
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Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3082

>>659
Plebeian.

!RISkQqf4EMCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3265

holy shit a thread from 2015

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3519

>>3265
ikr

File: 1507232233879.gif (34.74 KB, 310x226, 1552811__safe_apple+bloom_appl…)

applejack shakin her bum jacob foolsonCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 2997[View]

lol i maid a pictuer! applejack is shaking her bum @ her sister applebloom.
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Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3005

Is this a new meme?

AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3477

File: 1535334965691.jpg (17.65 KB, 300x251, 1c23d06a1e5ae72c3882d1cf93df3b…)

Bloom's emotion here reminds me of this one.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3487

>>3477
Lel

File: 1488362205238.png (2.35 MB, 2250x1250, intospace1small.png)

ponyinto.space Lex Rudera!rW/xyJMPOoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 2729[View]

I need more images for the pointless site, http://ponyinto.space/
halp.
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lostponyCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3452

File: 1533156025108.jpg (443.4 KB, 6544x5088, ponyspace.jpg)

>>2731

howz dis

AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3453

>>3452
Mr. Sagan, is that you?

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3476

>>3452
Billions / billions.

File: 1534244053311.jpg (92.26 KB, 507x622, EddDrewPoniesAtOnePoint2Electr…)

I couldn't think of a subject title, I am so sorry Will(Electro)Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3464[View]

So, I went to the Eddsworld tumblr account for the sake of nostalgia and I found quite the bizarre and lovely gem, which I wanted to share with you
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Will(electro)Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3469

File: 1534456235012.jpg (38.09 KB, 507x426, EddDrewPoniesAtOnePoint.JPG)

>>3468
No, It's just...this

I don't really get it

Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3470

File: 1534478153440.png (568.83 KB, 765x835, shy148.png)

Ah, long horse faces.

Will(Electro)Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3471

>>3470

I just think Edd scares me now
Like how could he make something like mlp into something moderately unsettling

File: 1507964838677.png (785.18 KB, 1920x1080, flutterheart friendss no bg.pn…)

MLP - The Flutterby Effect AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3006[View]

I can't edit the thread title, but I've changed this to a general art thread.

Original description:
This is a fan project, so I thought it might be alright to post here; if it's not let me know! Sorry!

I'm working on a fan miniseries called the Flutterby Effect (working title), and am at the point where I need voice actors. (Not just the ones listed here, of course, but as far as the first episode, at least.)

There is a casting call here if anyone is interested! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1Rm-8O3IiM Otherwise, feel free to just look at the attached image and hopefully enjoy it.
This post was edited by its author on .
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AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3020

File: 1508968860239.png (1.11 MB, 1769x1293, fusion3.png)

>>3010
Thank you for the kind words! I know I've still got some practicing to do, but I hope I'm getting there.

If a general art thread is indeed something that's alright for me to post here (and again, if I'm doing something wrong, I apologize!), here's something else I drew—a fusion of the pony princesses for a short story I wrote.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3022

>>3009
Your Luna is better than the canonical Luna.

AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3431

Flutterby fluttershy
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File: 1515568088563.png (272.41 KB, 1280x720, Screenshot_2018-01-09-18-26-56…)

Friendship is Pandering AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3079[View]

Hello this is a new parody series a friend of mine has been working on for a good while. He would love feedback. Of course not all will like this and that's understandable but do give it a chance. Thank you and I hope you enjoy.
https://youtu.be/WQlxzK06TfA
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Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3096

>>3087
This.

FipGuyCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3098

Glad you all like it so much! More is surely to come soon!

AustroSpikeCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3121

>>3098
Thank you and keep up the good work.

File: 1512232287244.png (772.48 KB, 3731x3225, miner_rarity_helmet.png)

AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3050[View]

Hello my horses, I made a clicker. Please throw rats at it.

https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/702875
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Macaroni !RevGiOKgRoCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3076

>>3075
lmao

Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3077

File: 1515429490088.gif (733.77 KB, 564x360, alldr1.gif)

>>3075

AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3086

https://youtu.be/UU5eJUl0WgA?t=16m32s

I can't embed the video sad horse

File: 1532439636179.jpg (155.63 KB, 1193x670, arma_3_warfare_is_magic_by_ink…)

Arma 3 Pony mod LyraPlushieeeCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3430[View]

I'm looking for this mod.

The creators lost the files and there's no backup available as it was only on workshop...

Does anyone still has It on their PC?

Fanfic in progress: help with some names? McBehrer!MBZYCuFtNgCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3209[View]

Hey guys!

Man, it sure is good to be back on this site. It must have been... 3, 4 years since the last time I was here?

Anyway, I am working on writing a fanfic, and I have a lot of ideas nailed down, but I would like to see if any of you could maybe help me out with some names.

I need:
A name for an art exhibit (themed around capturing moments from everyday life in Equestria, in a frank and realistic manner)

The creator of said art pieces. I'm looking for something that indicates his skill at sculpting -- particularly with marble -- and is maybe just a tiny bit suggestive.

Whatever Button Mash's mom's name is. I don't know if she has a particular name that is universally agreed-upon, but whatever it is, I want to know it.

Similarly, the name of a janitor. If there's a canon janitor, that would work (is Hayseed Turniptruck a character? I lost track of fanon after a while)

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McBehrer!!HmMTV1BJR3Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3279

>>3278
Yeah, either one is good. I can decide after I get suggestions. I was thinking of something like Marble Spire or something for the artist.

McBehrer!!HmMTV1BJR3Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3361

File: 1529196975253.gif (6.89 KB, 650x450, 01659.gif)

RainstreamCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3388

It depends on the race.

Unicorns tend to have glittery, celestial, or adjective based names.

Earth ponies tend to have object based names relevant to their special talent.

Pegasi tend to have weather or flying based names, usually with a verb thrown in.

Bonus points if any of them form a pun or play on words
This post was edited by its author on .

File: 1518646945980.png (28.54 KB, 770x609, Elf.png)

Kabel teh Lewdy[FARMER]HobbitCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3107[View]

I made, an Elf Maiden

If anypony wanna edit her & create their own Elf~ go ahead/ I'm was just recoloring

Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3110

File: 1518687078244.gif (432.99 KB, 348x489, bg25.gif)

But... that's a pony!

Kabel teh Lewdy[FARMER]HobbitCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3111

File: 1518689267253.png (30.7 KB, 770x608, Elf.png)

Updated

and, she is a Forest Warrior

AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3145

Nice pony.

File: 1493394229191.png (791.05 KB, 1200x1800, Title.png)

Seed Comic AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 2776[View]

Anyone interested in a comic where the CMC and a fourth filly wind up growing Cannabis?
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AnonymousCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 2795

>>2792
The story could actually be workable and produce feelz--I don't know how plausible it is in a magical land where everyone with a horn can make reality warp itself to suit his whims, but handled properly it is possible to make something good out of this. However it is unavoidable that you're going to get an awful lot of eye-rolling and "LOL WEED" reactions, because this kind of thing has been WAY overdone over the past ten, fifteen years, enough that just seeing it is going to leave a sour taste in a lot of people's mouths. It would have to be awfully well written to overcome that.

And yes, please practice your art. Especially eyes and faces.

Elicoor13Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 2847

File: 1500371992317.jpg (298.2 KB, 1024x768, 1470305539614.jpg)

bruh, bruh, i get what you're trying to do, and i respect it, but it honestly feels like you're trying to force a narrative.

this anon
>>2795
has great points. however, i'd like to add that it really seems like you're a bit too gung-ho with this. there will be other stories, and comic about stoner fillies will seem silly in a year. if this really is your magnum opus, maybe take some time away from it and come up with a better reason why this pony's mom needs weed rather than say...magic.

your eating disorder thing is...okay, but it feels like it's a flimsy excuse to put weed into your story(no offense intended). the issue is that if you go with cancer, then you run into a whole host of issues relating to the tone of your comic. i don't think many people wanna read the cmc presents breaking bad except with weed.

if that's what you wanna do tho, go ahead, i'd at least be interested in checking out a page or two. but other people might call it out as being unnecessarily dark or that illegal drug dealing just doesn't work in a land where a literal god is their monarch.
This post was edited by its author on .

!RISkQqf4EMCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3038

>>2776
Me

JakeCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 2987[View]

I get error from Desktop Ponies

JakeCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 2988

File: 1506734579302.png (97.58 KB, 1280x800, errror.PNG)

JakeCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 2989

File: 1506734676810.png (86.37 KB, 1280x800, txtfromerror.PNG)

JakeCountry code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 2990

File: 1506734691770.png (83.17 KB, 1280x800, txtfromerror2.PNG)


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Enma/Mortimer's Commissions Are Back! Mortimer !HOoVEs3Q5.Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 728[View][Last 50 Posts]

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I wanted a custom Velvet avatar with the palette and cosmetics I usually use.
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TFH icon commission for Tempus.
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Country code: ponychan.png, country type: customflag, valid: 3318

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TFH icon commission for JonNobo.
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