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Jan 20: Board Organization Discussion
Jan 15: Staff Update, and Rules Update

Pre-reader 63.546"s Equestria Daily Feedback Thread Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 23[View][Last 50 Posts]

#Reviewer

As everyone should know by now, Equestria Daily has gone almost exclusively to short bullet-point reviews, except in cases where only a small number of items need to be corrected for posting. I enjoy giving longer reviews, but can no longer do so through Equestria Daily, so I will post them here. I will only do so for stories that in my estimation would have passed the old automoon system; others will get only the bullet-point treatment in the email.

This thread is only for the authors in question and me. They are free to ask questions or ask me to remove their reviews from the thread for any reason. For any other traffic, I will ask a mod to delete it. General questions about Equestria Daily or the pre-reading process should be posted here:
>>128414

Note that I won't give an exhaustive list of errors; I'll provide a representative list of the types of problems I find and leave it to the author to scour his story for the rest.

To avoid repeating myself, I'll post a few of the more common discussion topics up here; your review may refer you to one or more of these.

Dash and hyphen use:
Hyphens are reserved for stuttering and hyphenated words. Please use a proper dash otherwise. They can be the em dash (Alt+0151) with no spaces around it or en dash (Alt+0150) surrounded by spaces. Some usage (primarily American) employs only the em dash, while other usage (primarily British) employs an em dash for cutoffs and an en dash for asides. It doesn't matter which system an author uses, as long as he is consistent.

Comma use with conjunctions:
There may be other grammatical reasons to place commas, but in the simplest forms, commas accompany conjunctions to separate clauses, not to separate two items of a compound subject, verb, or object. The most common simple sentence forms are:
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.
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Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2738

>It seemed she wasn't the only pony who had difficulties to sleep tonight.//
The phrasing is off here. It should be "who had difficulty sleeping." And why does this specifically call out ponies? Spike isn't one. I get that she doesn't see him until she looks through the door, but who else would it be? Only a few characters might be there after hours, and even fewer with a male voice.

>was sat at a reading desk//

Phrasing is off again. "was sitting."

>not being able to prevent her mouth from speaking//

I don't understand her mindset here. She hasn't given a reason why she wouldn't want to speak.

>"Not this one too" he commented//

Missing a comma.

>I know Twi,//

In the middle of a sentence, direct address takes commas on both sides. This doesn't say that he's telling Twi he knows; it says he's acquainted with Twi.

Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2754

Right off the bat, I'm seeing a lot of repetitive sentence structure. It's not until the end of the fourth paragraph, or the eighth sentence, that you start with anything but the subject. A lot of them are about the same length, too, which all combines to give it the feel of what we call a "list of actions." You seem to have a habit of this, but it improves a little further into the story. The other mitigating factor is that dialogue tends to help break up this effect, so once you get to the parts of the story that have some, it's not as noticeable. It's still worth making a pass and seeing if you can vary your narrative sentence starters a bit more.

>I stomped forward to keep his momentum going, and waited until he bumped into the door before I lit my horn.//

>Then I threw it open, and watched as he fell in a heap on the sidewalk.//
>I topped it off, and spooned a dollop of vanilla icing in afterward//
I bet I'm going to see a lot of this. You don't need these commas, because they just separate verbs that are linked to the same subject. Use a comma when it separates clauses, where each verb is linked to a different subject. So it's "He does this and does that," but it's "He does this, and he does that." I'm not going to mark any more of these. They're just the ones I saw on the first page or so. You get it right as much as not, and there's some artistic license allowed for flow and cadence, but I'm not feeling it with these ones.

>50%//

Write out the words.

>She’ll probably just tell me to make friends with all these weirdos.//

Maybe you'll get to this later in the story (and if you do, I'll surely forget to come back and edit this comment out), but my first reaction is that she'd gleefully say the princess of friendship must be willing to meet all these wierdos who so desperately want to be friends with her.

>She stuck the towel in her ear//

It's really obtrusive to refer to a third-person character at the beginning of a scene by pronoun before we have any other sort of descriptor for her, be it a name or even something generic like "the mare," since pronouns work by antecedent. Particularly with your first-person narrator, it creates the feeling I should already know who you're talking about because of the conversatio
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 2755

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>the pony that threw this to the ground//

This was a consistent problem in your previous draft, and while it's a minor thing overall, I would like you to get into the habit of using "who" instead of "that" when you're talking about sentient creatures.

>Equestria Daily Sun//

Newspaper titles would be underlined or (preferably) italicized.

>few obviously foriegn//

You don't need that comma as the adjectives describe different aspects.

>first name terms//

First-name would take a hyphen, since you're using the whole phrase as a single descriptor.

>The Captain//

Post too long. Click here to view the full text.


File: 142806817269.gif (26.44 KB, 100x138, cadance-dance-right.gif)

Desktop Ponies 458[View][Last 50 Posts]

8 bit ponies on your desktop.

Full Download (v1.61 released 2016-07-15)

Another year, another thread - and as always even more ponies than before (Old Thread >>45984).

Check out the deviantART community:
http://desktop-pony-team.deviantart.com

Also check out the OC thread for more ponies, and information about creating your own OCs:
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/collab/res/43607.html

Your can find the program source code on github:
https://github.com/RoosterDragon/Desktop-Ponies
This post was edited by its author on .
436 posts and 122 image replies omitted. Click View to see all.

2740

…and two more.

1. Let`s say there is a sprite that is processing a behaviour with a follow target and the autoselect flag set to true. Does it mean that both «static» and «moving» overrides may be chosen at random each time this sprite locks a target?

2. Are behaviour groups to be respected when selecting an override?
This post was edited by its author on .

2745

Okay, due to the shortage of answers I`ll post my own considerations here.

1. Wherever there is an opportunity to do so, sleep behaviours need to be uniformly randomized when the user orders the target character to sleep; implemented
2. (Behavior::Skip = True) ⇔ (Behavior::Chance = 0.0); implemented
3. If the autoselect flag is on, follow overrides may be uniformly randomized each time the respective follow behaviour begins, provided they respect behaviour groups; WIP

Release (v1.61) 2753

- Added "level 2" Changelings by Bot-chan.
- Readded Starlight Glimmer (Season 5) by Bot-chan.
- Added the ability to delete ponies from the editor.
- Fix the .zip file not extracting properly on non-Windows systems.
- Fix an issues that may cause images not to load and instead hang the program.
- Fix crash if the pony editor if you tried to pause with no pony selected.

----

As ever, an updated download link can be found in the opening post.

>>2745
All of these seem reasonable. I hadn't noticed we had some ponies with multiple sleep behaviours - I may have to make a similar fix at some point.


File: 1483217826985.gif (2.78 MB, 1045x833, cheesier the better.gif)

[b]Pone Video Thread[/b] Anonymous 2665[View]

Post your videos!
Critique other anon's vidoes!
I'll scrubscribe to anyone who replies!

I just finished my first PMV a few days ago and have another wip I might post looking for suggestions. If you want to see Twilight rap vulgarities, then this is the video for you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnVvPC1TrPo

Anonymous 2744

Hhheeeeyyyy! Good thred!

Сheck out the vid. I did the animation myself for two **lovely** weeks. **1st vid of mine**


Post MOAR yors!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEh7dAwD17c

Anonymous 2746

Idk how could I do such shiet but what's done is done. Sorry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kC4WwExyD0I
This post was edited by its author on .


File: 1358797128571.png (1012.61 KB, 1504x765, mortimer_splash_by_enma_darei-…)

Enma/Mortimer's Commissions Are Back! Mortimer !HOoVEs3Q5. 728[View][Last 50 Posts]

deviantArttumblr PatreonYouTube ko-fi

Commissions are: Open
Commission Information
This post was edited by its author on .
262 posts and 220 image replies omitted. Click View to see all.

2748

File: 1489608195201.png (784.99 KB, 900x892, DUNK.png)

2750

File: 1489920722972.png (388.52 KB, 707x676, SongDongHee.png)

Saw this cute OC and I had to draw her.
deviantart / tumblr

2751

File: 1490378489855.png (125.83 KB, 626x670, Comic Nerds.png)

Coloured sketch commission.
Commission Info + Prices
tumblr / Patreon / Ko-fi


File: 1480283925428.jpg (784.12 KB, 1000x1232, 4yrs-1432424657-13034-full.jpg)

The Age of Wings and Steel Reading - Chapters 1-5 - 6 Incoming! Strangest Amethyst 2640[View]

Hello again Ponychan Fanworks board!

A while ago I posted the first couple chapters of my reading of DSNesmith's The Age of Wings and Steel. (http://www.fimfiction.net/story/13034/the-age-of-wings-and-steel)

I've since gotten a bit further with the story, up to Chapter 5 with Chapter 6 exporting as I speak, and I thought I'd post each video released thus far here to get the opinions of the fine folks at Ponychan once again.

Chapter 1 - The Field: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCq6_2B1Yaw

Chapter 2 - Celestia and the Council: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BaNUoqHXhg

Chapter 3 - A Chance Meeting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN2eY5notD0

Chapter 4 - An Unusual Messenger: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAbmYv_mrTQ

Chapter 5 - Northward Bound: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3mZ0YXq0O4
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

Strangest Amethyst 2641

Strangest Amethyst 2679

Chapter 7 - The Tale of Trottingham: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pb25Lc4-YI

Strangest Amethyst 2749

Chapter 8 - Ultimatum: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SptOkgDs1yA

Chapter 9 - The Beginning of an Age: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xFz3QG_h8Q

Chapter 10 - Treason (New!): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6A2gHUKLDI
This post was edited by its author on .


Sunset Shimmer - Cage of Sin Anonymous 2741[View]

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/366639/cage-of-sin

It has honestly been years since I wrote an MLP fanfic (I've just been working with Ever After High stories, my new bae) so I wrote a new story, this time about Sunset Shimmer

2743

File: 1489145067331.gif (498 KB, 432x432, 1117879__safe_twilight+sparkle…)

interesting read. I guess that answers the question of 'what happens to your double when you enter a parallel universe'... Why didn't she want to go back to Equestria, though? doesn't really make sense to me. and what about Twilight's double? Did she end up in Newark, New Jersey? surely a fate worse than death.


File: 1488362205238.png (2.35 MB, 2250x1250, intospace1small.png)

ponyinto.space Lex Rudera!rW/xyJMPOo 2729[View]

I need more images for the pointless site, http://ponyinto.space/
halp.
2 posts and 1 image reply omitted. Click View to see all.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRo 2732

Are cheap photoshops good enough?

Lex Rudera!rW/xyJMPOo 2733

>>2732
Definitely! Cheap photoshops is all I have so far, after all

Lex Rudera!rW/xyJMPOo 2742

And then nothing happened. Well, it was worth the try.


File: 1479340167384.png (177.85 KB, 640x378, 142324983488.png)

Anonymous 2622[View]

I need a little help. I've been trying to find an audio project, but my leads seem to be dead ends. It is a radio play about Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash on Hearth's Warming based in part on "Gift of the Magi." It was done by Scoot-Scootaloo and talked about on Brony Time ep. 57 (http://www.bronytime.com/2013/12/episode-57-how-scoots-and-crew-saved-christmas/). However, they never said on the episode (and I've listened to it twice to find it) where the play would be available to hear after it's premier or even what it is called. I'm hoping someone here knows what I'm talking about and where it is.

Clarity!EGL9GiOd9k 2635

File: 1479798684326.png (203.54 KB, 505x507, dash220.png)

No luck finding it, sorry.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRo 2739

Bumping because I'd like to listen to this, and I can't find it either.


File: 1488596844192.jpg (105.74 KB, 1024x576, Fluttershy's Dark Soul.jpg)

Spiriting Fluttershy's Dark Sky [Fanfic] 2734[View]

Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle have a spiritual journey.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/361294/spiriting-fluttershys-dark-sky


Vote Twilight Sparkle for Princess of America Anonymous 2609[View]

1 post omitted. Click View to see all.

Pipes!HaitfwkMrU 2718

>>2610
She cant do any worse than Trump lol

2719

File: 1487605841339.png (1.68 MB, 1920x1080, bg129.png)

Sure, how much worse could it get?

Mac !RevGiOKgRo 2720

>>2719
Fallout 3 irl?


File: 1487050581428.jpg (293.68 KB, 700x700, Referencia-1.jpg)

Valentine´s day 2708[View]

Hope you like it!

Clarity!EGL9GiOd9k 2712

File: 1487149844346.png (386.73 KB, 756x743, twi247.png)

Very cute!

Mac !RevGiOKgRo 2714

>>2708
Is this part of a set?


File: 1460998587758.png (37.55 KB, 955x553, Nursery Rhyme.png)

MSpaint art requests Timekeeper!vLNCOxl8yM 2076[View]

Yeah... Not much more to say. If I like the request, I'll take it.
43 posts and 19 image replies omitted. Click View to see all.

Mac !RevGiOKgRo 2707

>>2699
Macaw-Ponies?
I like the concept, and in that pic the detailing goes well with the colors.

Timekeeper!vLNCOxl8yM 2709

>>2707
Kinda, don't know the whole story with that pone, though I like where you're going with that. I joked with my friend that their OC must bleach the tips of their feathers and then dye them to get that look, that's my take.

Mac !RevGiOKgRo 2713

>>2709
Then again they could just be painting over it, if they wanted to be cheapskates. Heh.


[deleted] 2703[View]

[deleted]


File: 1486485897966.jpg (623.14 KB, 2000x1158, jg_mega_07.jpg)

2698[View]

Hello my fellow Bronies. As every fan of the show I created an alternate universe inspired by the end of the S5, but this is, as usual, a crossover between franchises. In this case I choose the Unreal franchise. I haven't received any advice, so I come here to shitpost my ideas.

My timeline is something like this:
>No Elements of Harmony. They vanished protecting Equestria.
>Twilight investigated the human beings. She bring some human technology to ponies.
>Somehow (I won't put here why), chaos went out of control, creating a new era.
>The Mane6 became more "divine", like a religion.
>A war between nations versus the pony empire began, because they wanted the pony technology.
>Space colonization is now a reality.

Literally every suggestion is accepted, no matter what it is.


File: 1484925727818.jpg (391.46 KB, 1280x853, Gilda.jpg)

Story Time! Pony Writer 2683[View]

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are in a playful mood. They walk by, and catch Gilda stuck in this position.

What do they do?

I’m gonna write a story about this! Hit me with your most fun, playful and naughty ideas. Whatever ideas are the best, and most popular, I’ll write a story about.

Here’s hoping we can make this thread into something creative, original, and fun!
3 posts and 1 image reply omitted. Click View to see all.

Mac !RevGiOKgRo 2687

>>2685
It's an idea with a viable audience, but it's not my thing.
This post was edited by its author on .

Anonymous 2694

>>2683
>fun, playful
Paint some silly cutie mark on her flanks using something very hard to get rid of, then proceed to convince everyone in Ponyville that Gilda turned out to be half-pony as they just saw her get her mark. Don't know where you'd go from there, I never had the spark.

Anonymous 2696

Yo OP, you considered putting this on /mlp/?


File: 1484792692999.png (161.48 KB, 1171x1135, old_circuitfry.png)

old music circuitfry 2680[View]

Hi. I joined the fandom around the end of the first season. I left before the fifth, so I'm gone.

I got an e-mail, however, from someone who was trying to reach me. A fan who bought my stuff. He said he lost his files and was trying to get his albums back. He bought one of my albums, once. I am still running an old archive of my .mp3s just in case.

Each of the individual tracks can be found in the link below.

http://circuitfry-archive.tumblr.com/

People still run compiled music archives, right? My stuff is old. You'll hear how old it is. I don't make fan music anymore. Someone will probably like something from it. Thank you.

2681

File: 1484840577179.jpg (109.72 KB, 800x813, dash412.jpg)

Those are some fancy tunes, thanks for sharing them.

Raindrops(phone) 2688

Whoa, Circuitfry? You still exist? It's been ages since I've heard of you.


File: 141958729443.png (648.92 KB, 825x745, all your ships are belong to u…)

The Training Grounds: TSSSF Edition 375[View]

#Reviewer #The Training Grounds

Previous thread: >>128937

Welcome one and all to the Training Grounds, the review thread for authors and reviewers, both newcomers and seasoned veterans alike! Do jump in and participate if you can. New reviewers, editors and authors are always welcome! After a year of low activity we finally hit autosage, and it’s time for a new thread. Put some wood on the fire, sip some cocoa/tea/coffee/wine or whatever your drink is, and let’s ship some ponies get those quills moving.

How to get a review: Post a story with its title, description, tags, and a link to it where applicable. Please include all of these in your post and not just a Fimfiction link to a title page.
Remember that while reviewers love to read, they will often lean towards being critical. Don’t be discouraged—use their criticism to improve your writing!

How to review stories: Write what you think about the story (or review) and post it in a reply. Writers want their work to shine so point out faults with gusto, but don't avoid compliments either—if something makes you smile, a few kind words can add a lot to your review.
Put a * in front of the subject field if you’d like your review reviewed.
[hide] tags are useful for long replies.



How to review other reviews: Put the title of the story being reviewed in the subject line along with the reviewer who wrote it. Say what you think about the review and point out anything you think they could work on, but also tell them what they’re doing right. Support what you say with good sources if you can. Reviewing a review is like reviewing a story, just with a different focus. Don’t be shy if you have something to say. They want your feedback, after all!

Post too long. Click here to view the full text.
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548

>>545

>That gives the line your own unique bit of character because trying to copy the heavy emotional weight of that opening in Fallout is not in the cards for this story as of now. You're too chipper and lively for that.


I don't know that I want the intro to be too upbeat though. I know it hasn't shown in the early chapters, but the story as I have it planned gets much more serious and dark, so I don't want to falsely lead people to believe my story is going to be a completely "sunshine and rainbows" look at the wasteland (even if a lot of it does end up like that).

I did take your advice though, and I reworked the opening a little bit to be a little more reasonable (at least, I hope so). I won't make you look at it if you're busy, but if you do want to take a look the original story link I gave should take you to the updated version.

WB!hS9ZjLM/uE 552

File: 1431304944989.jpg (67.12 KB, 500x480, Pinky_and_the_Brain_by_Awesome…)

>>548

Better, but you really, really need to get rid of the line:

>“Sorry about that, Windspeed. I don’t know why we’re listening to this, you’re already in the Enclave after all. Not like some politician could inflate your opinion of them even more.”


A "I know you don't like it" would suffice. That's all that matters as of now. If you must, let Windspeed mention something like "I get enough of that at meetings, I don't need to hear the brass when I'm on leave too." The line as is just stinks of shoehorned exposition. One of those "I already know you know this, but the audience doesn't so I'm going to say it aloud for no apparent reason" sort of deals.
This post was edited by its author on .

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 2676

File: 1484439708086.jpg (251.31 KB, 750x600, 149994 - artist laurenmagpie c…)

Oy this place still exists? WB are you the only one here?

In any case, here. A story I've grown more attached to than I thought. Ion gave me the idea for it way back when, and it's grown bigger than I could have hoped I've nearly concluded Act I and I'm moving on to Act II soon, but I want to make sure there's no issues with it as it sits, since I intend to put it up for publication on EQD. Could you old yahoos give it the old beat down? And don't be gentle.

Title: The Secret of Ponyville
Tags: Dark, Tragedy, Romance, Gore
Synopsis: This last letter from Rarity tells of how she destroyed an innocent town beneath the masquerade of its prosperity, and how her entire life has been one big moment of regret.
Wordcount: 23k
link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12vAabM4GnmcNtSVipBU86iYJc4ZSyZYD-iqbDWXbhKQ/edit#
This post was edited by its author on .


MLP mashup video 2667[View]

Fan girl made mashup on YouTube. What do you think?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZSJciijR74&app=desktop

Mac !RevGiOKgRo 2668

Cute, in the 'look what they did' way.


Welcome to Ponyville - Act 1 *REPAINTED* Anonymous 2616[View]

Strongly recommended for those who have watched "Games Repainted" on Youtube.

This thing has long been in Haitus, but now I've decided I'm gonna finish it once and for all.

MacGay !RevGiOKgRo 2618

No links?

Anonymous 2661

File: 1482881681287.png (2.75 MB, 1920x1080, 5fccb4aef9a96b58549ee257a1d524…)

>This thing has long been in Haitus, but now I've decided I'm gonna finish it once and for all.
Good to hear. For some reason it doesn't show up in any fan-made game lists or in google searches, you might want to get more people aware of its existence. I barely managed to find its name (here).

>>2618
It's fairly easy to find if you know the name: http://textadventures.co.uk/games/view/qpz0tpngf0a3ca5fw2bpsg/welcome-to-ponyville
I'm certain it had its own site around a year ago, though.

Mac !RevGiOKgRo 2662

>> speak to Futon
>You try talking to your futon. You are sure it tried to reply.

lel


File: 1478287934153.webm (1 MB, 600x400, boopey.webm)

Fluttershy Petting Simulator EwoudCP!PcznjJ12Lg 2608[View]

Just released version 0.9 of the Fluttershy Petting Simulator!

http://fav.me/dane3jm

Figured I'd just shamelessly advertise this here. I'll be here to answer questions and take suggestions.

I originally planned more content, but the voice work has hit a snag and I'm stuck waiting. I went ahead and finished the game as much as I could (minus some animations due to lack of voice work). This is version 0.9, and it will be updated to v1.0 when I have all the content.

MacGay !RevGiOKgRo 2614

Good little game/toy/whatever.
Fluttershy here is even cuter in motion, and the interactivity makes her even moreso. I liked it when I went to see if I could boop her snout and it actually happened.
The extra animations do seem to be needed but it's all good if it's coming in a future release.
Continue this work, please.


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