Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have
to fix, but take each under advisement.
The opening gets a bit repetitive in structure. It's also a tad confusing. I tried to figure out why it was italicized. I assumed it was because you were starting with an omniscient narration before easing into a limited perspective, then it's a couple paragraphs in before it becomes apparent he's writing something. These kind of bait-and-switch openings can work when they make for a nice surprise, but there's really no payoff here. It adds confusion without getting anything back for it, and when your opening note has no plot relevance (the fact that he's a writer is relevant, but the reader already knows that from reading the front-page description, and what he's writing about has no importance), it doesn't make a good hook.
This also creates a dissonance that may be justified, but it's hard to tell. He's a prospective writer, so it's hard to know whether to take deficinencies in his writing as intentional or stemming from you. For instance, look at what he's written. Every single sentence but one starts with the subject. That creates a repetitive feel. That's probably still going to be the majority of what you write, but when it's this prevalent, it can get plodding to read. Then look at how many "to be" verbs there are. By paragraph of the things he's written, here they all are:
is, is, is
be, is (you're actually doing quite well in this paragraph—lots of active description)
are, are (both of these use passive voice, which compounds the problem I'll discuss in a moment)
are, are, is
It's not overwhelming, but there are quite a few of these. The problem is that these are boring verbs. Nothing happens, and the several instances of passive voice even accentuate that nothing happens. Even a description of something static can use active language, like "he stood there" versus "he was there," and you've got some active descriptions mixed in as well.
Again, am I to take that as a deficiency in his writing or yours? If the former, then I think it'd help immensely if he immediately glances back over it and is dissatisfied for some of these very reasons, or at least a vague sense of them. If it's not until much later in the story that he learns to spot such things, the