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Jan 1: /chat/ has been merged into /ef/

Pre-reader 63.546"s Equestria Daily Feedback Thread Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 23[View][Last 50 Posts]

#Reviewer

As everyone should know by now, Equestria Daily has gone almost exclusively to short bullet-point reviews, except in cases where only a small number of items need to be corrected for posting. I enjoy giving longer reviews, but can no longer do so through Equestria Daily, so I will post them here. I will only do so for stories that in my estimation would have passed the old automoon system; others will get only the bullet-point treatment in the email.

This thread is only for the authors in question and me. They are free to ask questions or ask me to remove their reviews from the thread for any reason. For any other traffic, I will ask a mod to delete it. General questions about Equestria Daily or the pre-reading process should be posted here:
>>128414

Note that I won't give an exhaustive list of errors; I'll provide a representative list of the types of problems I find and leave it to the author to scour his story for the rest.

To avoid repeating myself, I'll post a few of the more common discussion topics up here; your review may refer you to one or more of these.

Dash and hyphen use:
Hyphens are reserved for stuttering and hyphenated words. Please use a proper dash otherwise. They can be the em dash (Alt+0151) with no spaces around it or en dash (Alt+0150) surrounded by spaces. Some usage (primarily American) employs only the em dash, while other usage (primarily British) employs an em dash for cutoffs and an en dash for asides. It doesn't matter which system an author uses, as long as he is consistent.

Comma use with conjunctions:
There may be other grammatical reasons to place commas, but in the simplest forms, commas accompany conjunctions to separate clauses, not to separate two items of a compound subject, verb, or object. The most common simple sentence forms are:
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.
690 posts and 4 image replies omitted. Click View to see all.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3109

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

There are a few standard things like editing mistakes and close word repetition, but the biggest thing, and the one I'll discuss some, is that the perspective is really unsteady.

I'll begin at the beginning.

>Twilight Sparkle asked Spike for the umpteenth time//

"Umpteenth" is an opinion, so in the first sentence of narration in the story, you're already clearly using a limited narrator. That's fine. The only characters clearly present so far are Spike and Twilight, and this could reasonably represent either of their opinions, but I don't know whose yet.

>the princess//

Next sentence. This isn't something either one would reasonably use. Twilight wouldn't call herself that, and Spike knows her too well to use such an impersonal reference. You don't think about your friends or yourself in your own head as "the person," do you? It's just as poor a fit for a limited narration unless it's a reference they would reasonably use (like "her number one assistant" for Spike, as an example). So I still can't tell who holds the perspective, but it's leaning a little toward Spike.

>nervously wearing a groove into the platform//

"Nervously" is an opinion, so we're still definitely in a limited narration, and it's favoring Spike's viewpoint so far.

Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3112

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

The opening gets a bit repetitive in structure. It's also a tad confusing. I tried to figure out why it was italicized. I assumed it was because you were starting with an omniscient narration before easing into a limited perspective, then it's a couple paragraphs in before it becomes apparent he's writing something. These kind of bait-and-switch openings can work when they make for a nice surprise, but there's really no payoff here. It adds confusion without getting anything back for it, and when your opening note has no plot relevance (the fact that he's a writer is relevant, but the reader already knows that from reading the front-page description, and what he's writing about has no importance), it doesn't make a good hook.

This also creates a dissonance that may be justified, but it's hard to tell. He's a prospective writer, so it's hard to know whether to take deficinencies in his writing as intentional or stemming from you. For instance, look at what he's written. Every single sentence but one starts with the subject. That creates a repetitive feel. That's probably still going to be the majority of what you write, but when it's this prevalent, it can get plodding to read. Then look at how many "to be" verbs there are. By paragraph of the things he's written, here they all are:
is, is, is
be, is (you're actually doing quite well in this paragraph—lots of active description)
are, are (both of these use passive voice, which compounds the problem I'll discuss in a moment)
are, are, is
It's not overwhelming, but there are quite a few of these. The problem is that these are boring verbs. Nothing happens, and the several instances of passive voice even accentuate that nothing happens. Even a description of something static can use active language, like "he stood there" versus "he was there," and you've got some active descriptions mixed in as well.

Again, am I to take that as a deficiency in his writing or yours? If the former, then I think it'd help immensely if he immediately glances back over it and is dissatisfied for some of these very reasons, or at least a vague sense of them. If it's not until much later in the story that he learns to spot such things, the
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

Pre-reader 63.546!vZ.Mh9z92U 3113

Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

You have a few editing problems like comma splices and consistent confusion between "its" and "it's." More than that, though, I'm seeing a couple more subtle but pervasive problems.

First, the perspective. You're using a limited narrator in Chrysalis's perspective in the prologue. That's clear from the conversational tone you take, as if Chrysalis herself is vocalizing her inner thoughts. But using her as the viewpoint character has several implications. When the narration refers to her as something like "the dethroned queen," it's Chrysalis choosing to call herself that. People don't think about themselves in such external and formal ways. They would tend to use just pronouns and names, except in unusual circumstances. Another example is where you say she didn't feel the tears coming from her eyes. She is the narrator. If she doesn't know the tears are there, neither does the narrator.

Then at the end of the prologue, you go over to Thorax's perspective for only a couple of paragraphs. It's a jarring shift to him that needs to happen much more smoothly, but is it even necessary to? There's nothing critical to the reader's understanding that happens after she leaves, so why not just stop there?

The rationale behind maintaining a steady perspective is discussed at the top of this thread under "head hopping."

And second, you use a ton of participial phrases. They don't turn up that often in everyday language, so they stand out easily when overused. In addition to getting repetitive by having a lot of them, authors tend to place them in the same positions in sentences, which makes them repetitive in structure, not just makeup. They also cause several common errors, and the more you use, the more likely you'll have such mistakes.

I'll pull out some examples to show you.

Here, you start three consecutive paragraphs with a participial phrase, so again, it's not just having them in the sentences but also using the same placement within those sentences.
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.


File: 1518646945980.png (28.54 KB, 770x609, Elf.png)

Kabel teh Lewdy[FARMER]Hobbit 3107[View]

I made, an Elf Maiden

If anypony wanna edit her & create their own Elf~ go ahead/ I'm was just recoloring

3110

File: 1518687078244.gif (432.99 KB, 348x489, bg25.gif)

But... that's a pony!

Kabel teh Lewdy[FARMER]Hobbit 3111

File: 1518689267253.png (30.7 KB, 770x608, Elf.png)

Updated

and, she is a Forest Warrior


Newby 3108[View]

I'm pretty new to this. What's the best way to start out exploring what's on the web?


File: 142806817269.gif (26.44 KB, 100x138, cadance-dance-right.gif)

Desktop Ponies 458[View][Last 50 Posts]

8 bit ponies on your desktop.

Full Download (v1.62 released 2017-08-06)

Another year, another thread - and as always even more ponies than before (Old Thread >>45984).

Check out the deviantART community:
http://desktop-pony-team.deviantart.com

Also check out the OC thread for more ponies, and information about creating your own OCs:
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/collab/res/43607.html

Your can find the program source code on github:
https://github.com/RoosterDragon/Desktop-Ponies
This post was edited by its author on .
537 posts and 155 image replies omitted. Click View to see all.

Bot-chan 3103

>>3100
>>3102
And again, this is not the place to post random pictures or sprites you found on the internet. There are other threads for that kind of stuff.

help 3105

Hi it's been SO long since i've been on here but i was wondering where the download file with all the sprites you added is? I also have a mac so is the desktop ponies compatible with it?

Bot-chan 3106

>>3105
Well, you can find the program in the very first post of this thread. It's a Windows program but it may run on a Mac using something called Mono from what little I know.
There's also the DPengine program. It's still an alpha but should be Mac compatible. You can find that one here: https://github.com/hidefromkgb/DPengine/releases


File: 1358797128571.png (1012.61 KB, 1504x765, mortimer_splash_by_enma_darei-…)

Enma/Mortimer's Commissions Are Back! Mortimer !HOoVEs3Q5. 728[View][Last 50 Posts]

deviantArttumblr PatreonYouTube ko-fi

Commissions are: Open
Commission Information
This post was edited by a moderator on .
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3057

File: 1513017002395.png (212.21 KB, 959x699, Exowave.png)

quick doodle of Exowave's OC.
tumblr/deviantArt/Tip Jar
This post was edited by its author on .

3095

File: 1516690662336.png (887.79 KB, 900x971, Punky.png)

Getting used to my new tablet
tumblr/tip jar
This post was edited by its author on .

3104

File: 1518504686747.png (1.78 MB, 900x1717, Tricks.png)

tumblr/deviantArt/Tip Jar
This post was edited by its author on .


File: 1515568088563.png (272.41 KB, 1280x720, Screenshot_2018-01-09-18-26-56…)

Friendship is Pandering Anonymous 3079[View]

Hello this is a new parody series a friend of mine has been working on for a good while. He would love feedback. Of course not all will like this and that's understandable but do give it a chance. Thank you and I hope you enjoy.
https://youtu.be/WQlxzK06TfA
3 posts and 1 image reply omitted. Click View to see all.

Anonymous 3087

We need more of this.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRo 3096

>>3087
This.

FipGuy 3098

Glad you all like it so much! More is surely to come soon!


File: 1512232287244.png (772.48 KB, 3731x3225, miner_rarity_helmet.png)

Anonymous 3050[View]

Hello my horses, I made a clicker. Please throw rats at it.

https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/702875
3 posts and 1 image reply omitted. Click View to see all.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRo 3076

>>3075
lmao

3077

File: 1515429490088.gif (733.77 KB, 564x360, alldr1.gif)

Anonymous 3086

https://youtu.be/UU5eJUl0WgA?t=16m32s

I can't embed the video sad horse


File: 1434157849969.png (49.34 KB, 358x306, fluttersad.png)

i did a thing 657[View]

i wrote a fanfic on dA that i hope to adapt into an animated series in the future (that's why it's written in a lovable script format) pls give me your feedback or else fluttershy will cri
http://datponeenthusiast90.deviantart.com/art/Decibelle-and-Gingerroot-Ep-2-ACT-I-538113930
1 post omitted. Click View to see all.

Anonymous 687

Anonymous 3080

>>657
im in love

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRo 3082

>>659
Plebeian.


File: 1460998587758.png (37.55 KB, 955x553, Nursery Rhyme.png)

MSpaint art requests Timekeeper!vLNCOxl8yM 2076[View]

Yeah... Not much more to say. If I like the request, I'll take it.
56 posts and 25 image replies omitted. Click View to see all.

Timekeeper!vLNCOxl8yM 3074

File: 1515147569823.png (384.9 KB, 890x807, LITANYWHAT.png)

Hey, OP here. I actually learned how to use the brushes in Win10 MSPaint. How have you all been?

3078

File: 1515429555206.png (13.23 KB, 190x181, cmcb29.png)

>>3074
Looking good.

Things have been rather quiet around here, as usual.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRo 3081

>>3074
Pretty good.


File: 1515012768907.jpg (552 KB, 2066x3444, portada2.jpg)

Mlp strange crossovers Mlp strange crossovers 3072[View]

Post some strange crossover yo know. Comic, video, or a sinple image.

This is a comic crossover of Eqg and jojo bizarre adventure (the original universe) the main characters are Shizuka joestar And Sunset shimmer.


File: 1509274541659.png (210.22 KB, 800x500, sister brother bond png.png)

Sister - Brother Bond 3025[View]

I was looking at this thread and saw alot of Apple family related art/fanwork so I drew these too.
(I don't ship them, just to be exact.)

Macaroni (Outside) !RevGiOKgRo 3041

>>3025
Interesting style.


File: 1493394229191.png (791.05 KB, 1200x1800, Title.png)

Seed Comic Anonymous 2776[View]

Anyone interested in a comic where the CMC and a fourth filly wind up growing Cannabis?
5 posts omitted. Click View to see all.

Anonymous 2795

>>2792
The story could actually be workable and produce feelz--I don't know how plausible it is in a magical land where everyone with a horn can make reality warp itself to suit his whims, but handled properly it is possible to make something good out of this. However it is unavoidable that you're going to get an awful lot of eye-rolling and "LOL WEED" reactions, because this kind of thing has been WAY overdone over the past ten, fifteen years, enough that just seeing it is going to leave a sour taste in a lot of people's mouths. It would have to be awfully well written to overcome that.

And yes, please practice your art. Especially eyes and faces.

Elicoor13 2847

File: 1500371992317.jpg (298.2 KB, 1024x768, 1470305539614.jpg)

bruh, bruh, i get what you're trying to do, and i respect it, but it honestly feels like you're trying to force a narrative.

this anon
>>2795
has great points. however, i'd like to add that it really seems like you're a bit too gung-ho with this. there will be other stories, and comic about stoner fillies will seem silly in a year. if this really is your magnum opus, maybe take some time away from it and come up with a better reason why this pony's mom needs weed rather than say...magic.

your eating disorder thing is...okay, but it feels like it's a flimsy excuse to put weed into your story(no offense intended). the issue is that if you go with cancer, then you run into a whole host of issues relating to the tone of your comic. i don't think many people wanna read the cmc presents breaking bad except with weed.

if that's what you wanna do tho, go ahead, i'd at least be interested in checking out a page or two. but other people might call it out as being unnecessarily dark or that illegal drug dealing just doesn't work in a land where a literal god is their monarch.
This post was edited by its author on .

!RISkQqf4EM 3038



File: 1507159002483.jpg (102.95 KB, 894x894, her_first_night_by_spellboundc…)

Her First Night Behind Bars Anonymous 2996[View]

2 posts omitted. Click View to see all.

Elicoor13(new phone) 3015

i'm too edgy for my shirt, too edgy for my shirt, so edgy it huuurrrrts.

RandomGuy93 3028

How is it edgy? If anything, I think its sad.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRo 3031

>>3028
It's over the top on angst and despair.
Also, too real of a scenario for MLP.


File: 1507964838677.png (785.18 KB, 1920x1080, flutterheart friendss no bg.pn…)

MLP - The Flutterby Effect Anonymous 3006[View]

I can't edit the thread title, but I've changed this to a general art thread.

Original description:
This is a fan project, so I thought it might be alright to post here; if it's not let me know! Sorry!

I'm working on a fan miniseries called the Flutterby Effect (working title), and am at the point where I need voice actors. (Not just the ones listed here, of course, but as far as the first episode, at least.)

There is a casting call here if anyone is interested! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1Rm-8O3IiM Otherwise, feel free to just look at the attached image and hopefully enjoy it.
This post was edited by its author on .
2 posts and 2 image replies omitted. Click View to see all.

3010

File: 1508148756151.png (228.13 KB, 550x550, allab4.png)

Those ponies look great!

Anonymous 3020

File: 1508968860239.png (1.11 MB, 1769x1293, fusion3.png)

>>3010
Thank you for the kind words! I know I've still got some practicing to do, but I hope I'm getting there.

If a general art thread is indeed something that's alright for me to post here (and again, if I'm doing something wrong, I apologize!), here's something else I drew—a fusion of the pony princesses for a short story I wrote.

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRo 3022

>>3009
Your Luna is better than the canonical Luna.


File: 1507232233879.gif (34.74 KB, 310x226, 1552811__safe_apple+bloom_appl…)

applejack shakin her bum jacob foolson 2997[View]

lol i maid a pictuer! applejack is shaking her bum @ her sister applebloom.

!RISkQqf4EM 2999

well done sir

8/10

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRo 3005

Is this a new meme?

3013

File: 1508446762263.png (697.56 KB, 1694x1690, LMAO .png)

LOL


Jake 2987[View]

I get error from Desktop Ponies

Jake 2988

File: 1506734579302.png (97.58 KB, 1280x800, errror.PNG)

Jake 2989

File: 1506734676810.png (86.37 KB, 1280x800, txtfromerror.PNG)

Jake 2990

File: 1506734691770.png (83.17 KB, 1280x800, txtfromerror2.PNG)



File: 1505861563085.jpg (12.82 KB, 227x222, image.jpeg)

I was known as Joel Blackburn on here The Expressionless 2972[View]

Since my last appearance on this site as a whole I have matured. Things in my life have changed.

I wanted to explain the reason I had acted the way I had. But to explain that I must state what lead to my consistent outbursts on this site.

#1 I had a character I had spent a lot of time customizing to make as appealing to other people as possible even had artists tell me what colors to use. The coloring I used I got lambasted for.

#2 I was going through my parents divorce when I started watching mlp and was also going through relationship issues. So as expected I made a character that both in appearance and attitude reflect the emotions I was feeling at the time.

And last but not least

#3 I just was here to see and pick around m if someone wanted to pair him up with their characters.

Now that we got that out of the way. Let's get down to brass tax. I left this fanbase on the basis of how I was treated. I've grown a thicker skin.

I've gotten my mothers boyfriend to stop beating the shit out of me or trying to kill me in my sleep when ever he feels like it.
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.
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I'll put a signature to Verify its me replying to you The Expressionless 2975

The signature will be this ThEXP4992

The Exprssionless 2976

The Signature will often corrispond with the post number

Anonymous 2986

Very ... interesting


File: 1483217826985.gif (2.78 MB, 1045x833, cheesier the better.gif)

[b]Pone Video Thread[/b] Anonymous 2665[View]

Post your videos!
Critique other anon's vidoes!
I'll scrubscribe to anyone who replies!

I just finished my first PMV a few days ago and have another wip I might post looking for suggestions. If you want to see Twilight rap vulgarities, then this is the video for you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnVvPC1TrPo
1 post omitted. Click View to see all.

Anonymous 2746

Idk how could I do such shiet but what's done is done. Sorry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kC4WwExyD0I
This post was edited by its author on .

World's Biggest Tea Party Review Roseisbest 2979

File: 1506307088643.png (140.29 KB, 705x1101, roseluck_by_szyszqq-d4g1f42.pn…)

I recently decided to take on the most dreaded thing to ever emerge out of the My Little Pony franchise: The World's Biggest Tea Party. The things that I have seen, I cannot unsee. If you enjoy pain or watching someone torture themselves, I suggest you give this video a watch because it hurt me a lot. (Warning: not for sensitive ears!!)

[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PpbG7dgVKY [/url]


File: 1504931873735.jpg (388.5 KB, 1280x931, solar calmly explains to sunny…)

Who was the artist of Ask Sunny and Solar? Anonymous 2950[View]

I remember this old tumblr blog called "Ask Sunny and Solar" about a neet mute unicorn who learned a magic writing spell to communicate. he then runs across (is cratered by) a human mysteriously turned into a mare. Both proceed to have a huge freakout.

It was a cool story, with some really decent scene design. And it died a horrible idling death back in 2013, but I never caught exactly who the artist was, so I don't know if they've done anything else. Does anyone know this artist? I can't find anyone with quite the same style.

Alas, I only saved 2 pictures from it, this one...

Anonymous 2951

File: 1504931925692.gif (766.41 KB, 500x364, stranger danger I need an adul…)

...and this one.


File: 1430781750706.jpg (29.66 KB, 480x236, image.jpg)

22[View]

I'm looking for a fairly simple piece of art: a group of ponies' cutie marks surrounding the Blades of Exile from God of War III on a black background with light gray smoke. I'll add a list of the marks, just reply if you can help me out.

-the Main Six
-Celestia/Luna
-Vinyl Scratch
-an OC whose mark is a ball and chain

Any takers?

Deleted 2901

bruh

Macaroni !RevGiOKgRo 2918

Why those two franchises?


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