I would just focus on one aspect, because if you try to do this all encompassing self help thing, its overwhelming and your just setting yourself up to fail.
Your biggest issue is the cyclical self deprivation and turning everything into a conversation about you, and that. You came to that conclusion yourself with the help of your therapist right?
So focus on that, find ways to manage that, and then work on something else. Make it a bunch of bite sized bits, rather than one giant overwhelming task.
Of course you're going to relapse, everyone relapses, but a relapse isnt failure.
Plus, thats what the meds are for, to help you get back on track, not to "fix" the problem.
Its like quitting smoking, you dont just chew nicotine gum and suddenly you dont smoke anymore, its just training wheels to lean on while you break the bad habbit through your own mental hard work.
Im speaking from having to deal with it myself, and honestly, one of the reasons i avoid convos with you on the topic is because I myself relapse, and i know the stimuli to stay away from to try to prevent it.
For me, its like pushing through sleepyness to get out of bed and get to work on time. It sucks, its hard, and I have to really push myself to get up and get going every single day
and some days are harder than others, but i have to keep doing it because ultimately, it gets progressively easier.
And i relapse, esp on days off, and esp through the last year where i didnt have a formal job. I would spend literal days/weeks in bed. Just depressed, just feeling hopeless and alone and thinking about the easy way out, doi g absolutely nothing but watching the light in my room brighten and fade.
Let my house fall to shit, miss work, spend too much money on junk food, make excuses to convince myself of why its "okay" and then miss payments on bills, then that would make me feel more depressed and hopeless, and then it would just be an excuse to stay in bed more, spend more money on junk food, miss work...making everything worse...ect.
I go through this every day. Every single day. I have to push to see friends, i have to push to get out of bed, i have to push to take care of my responsibilities, and its fucking hard.
Thats why i had to go get a real job with a schedule, because without someone else depending on me i would always say id do lyft "tomorrow" and do the math of how many extra hours id need to do to make up for laying in bed wallowing in sadness today... But tomorrow would never come.
I have the same negitive thoughts too. I think everyone at work hates me and is out to get me, i think my friends are avoiding me, i think people are purposefully and actively trying to fuck me over. But i know its in my head, i know its not real, so i dont act
on it. I dont live my life by it, i assume im wrong, and it turns out i normally am. And tbh, i think overtime its strengthened my ability to read people. Because this isnt just something ive been managing for a little bit, this has been my whole life, and tbh im proud to say i think i do it well.
You dont hear about it often, because i know succumbing to it and circle jerking it only makes it worse, and my ultimate goal is to break
these cycles, not indulge them. Only reason im making an exception now is because i want to help and i feel like admitting this, might? Idk.
Yeah, im always trying to be positive, and say positive things, play cool, act confident, joke around and not let on that im completely screaming inside. You can call it "being fake" if you want, but it helps me. It helps me make and strengthen the good habbits and minimize the bad, and honestly, i owe any forward progression in my life to it. Otherwise, i would literally just lay down until i lost everything, ended up homeless and froze to dealth.
I have more in common with people like you and jigs, than you might think, and its probably why i reee at you guys the most (well him mostly) because it like holding a mirror up to myself and seeing the person i know im a step away from being, and imo places like this is where we should be working on the good habbits, rather than a sancuary for the bad. Tbh, sometimes im completely jealous of you and how everyone spends so much time trying to help you, and think no one would ever do that for me if i spilled all my shit out. But again, thats just bullshit and i know it, so i dont spend time dwelling.
I think the only difference between people who are "depressed" and not is their willingness to push through and how badly they want it, because all humans have existential demons, and no one is "happy" like you see on TV and in adverts for meds, aside from maybe a few brief moments once in a great while. The rest of the time we are all living in the same world where people die, fight, break up, hold grudges have emergencies and responsibilities, all while dealing with external forces like politics and shit, endlessly. Rich, poor, doesnt matter, existing is hard, and letting yourself focus on the bad stuff rather than learning to focus on improvement would bury us all.
The biggest difference is our drive to handle it. For some its easier than others, for me its hard as fuck, always has been, always will be, but i focus on managing it, and learning how to over come it, not wallow in it, and you dont start day 1 with a good grasp on it, but you do have to start at day 1, the techniques will come.
So there is my rant.
Ether way, no ones situation is exactly the same, and advice is just someone giving you an outside perspective based on similar situations they've experienced for you to consider while figuring out your own deal, not an instruction manual.
Good luck. I'm seriously rooting for you.
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