Pt. 2: My daily fapping marathons I've done when I've been alone for this long don't even need to be mentioned. This obsession, among other things I fixate myself to, makes it where I'm now seriously unable to work when I've been using.
When I'm forced to be off my drugs, I'm coming around to appreciate those periods, even if I feel sapped of energy and it is hard for me to get out of bed. There's tranquility in it all, and most of my negative thoughts go away.
I've gotten better at letting go of my guilt and pain, but I'm still extremely lonely and trust I can't tell anyone about my problems, because the friends and family I have would be either incapable or unwilling to help me in the way that I need it. This is even if helping meant just sincerely listening to me.
Working steadily and trying to make new friends are commitments that I think will help me get out of this hole. I've worked a job for a few months now that lets me work when I want, but sometimes I'll miss a week because I fall into binging again. Even though I'm overqualified for the position, I don't let it on to anyone I'm working with.
Friends--I'm not yet certain how I'll make them, but using the money I make to take one day weekend classes (cooking, hiking, fitness, first aid, etc.) might be a step in the right direction.
For the first time in my life, I've become very concerned with finding a woman that I can love, lay with, hold, share my life with, and give all of my affection to. At the same time, I feel I must be dependable and useful if I'm to be worthy of that.
If I shed off all my guilt and fear of incompetence, I've come around to the fact I could be working a job I'm actually qualified for, could stop living with my dad, and have my own life. For the first time I started looking for a serious job last night.
Lastly, I want to be effective and productive at work such that no one would doubt me, and even if they didn't like me, they'd be able to say my contributions are valuable and necessary. I have a lot of self-worth wrapped up in the quality of my efforts, and if I don't do things well are am not useful to others, it just kills me.
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