First. I'm in.

>>88414

"Law #5: Thou shalt not say 'First' when making the first reply."

In any case, this looks pretty solid Roger. So I am to assume writers cannot have any outside help during the construction of their story, correct?

Put me down as a tenative entrant. Might end up doing nothing, might actually jot something down. Only time will tell.

Oh shit son, I've been dreamin', I've been waitin'.

I'm so in this. :D

Interesting indeed. I'll have to hold onto my hat though.

Maybe when the prompt is released, I'll throw my hat into the ring.

Well, I promised I'd be in after the last one. So, I'm in, even if I have no time.

Definitely want to come back for round two, but not sure if I have the time. Sign me up I suppose, but I can't guarantee I'll produce anything.

I would consider myself enrolled, and only removed should I gain no ideas in the first few hours. Maybe I can do better than average this time. Yeah, improvement!

This was good fun. I'm in

I'm in.

Let's do this.

I have no clue how much time I'll have on the upcoming weekend, but it was fun last time, so I expect to have fun this time too; sign me up.

Alright yeah, let's do this.

Count me in. Whether or not i produce something worth reading, well... we'll see. ;)

>pic is possible main character

Count me in

Brilliant, I've been training for this. Time to see if I've actually made any improvement whatsoever. Consider me in once more.

On another note I like what you've done with the rules. There seems to be some good compromises in there and 72 hours should be ample time compared to last time.

I'd like to give this a try; that weekend should be free enough. I may drop if I can't get any ideas from the prompt. For now, sign me up!

Picture unrelated.

I'm gonna take the plunge and say: I'm in.

Has no idea what he has just done

I'll give it a shot as well to make up for last time. Do or die time.

>>88431
If you were to send your story off to reviewers you'd be wasting valuable time. Yes, I'd rather you submit only your own work, but, just as well, I can't exactly stop you.

The only hard-and-fast rules of the event are: (1) you start writing only after the prompt is released; (2) you submit before the deadline; (3) your submission is open-able and contains a story, title, and author; (4) your story follows all posting guidelines of Ponychan; (5) your story uses the prompt to a reasonable and discernible degree; (6) your story is not submitted elsewhere until the event's conclusion.

>>88622

>reasonable and discernible degree

Clarification requested.

>>88659
It's difficult to clarify when the prompt is yet to be determined. You should be fine as long as you stick the spirit of the event. It's there primarily to enforce rule (1). I doubt I'll end up disqualifying anybody based on their story not being "related enough to the prompt", but I will be having the finalists judged on prompt relevance.

Considering submission I have a tiny qeustion. A few days ago I reviewed a story in which bbcodes were present. If I recall correctly the author told me that those were for uploading to fimfiction. I have not made myself familiar with the posting protocol. So my qeustion do we incorporate those in our story? If we would use gdocs for example.

>>88679
When I take your submission it will be more-or-less me copy pasting it straight into fimfiction.

Last time I had a few people simply give me a GoogleDocs document (and even worse, one person gave me a .docx), and with these I simply took a quick skim through and gave their italics/bold text the appropriate mark-up. But be warned: If you submit like this, it's possible that I'd miss something. Make things easier for both of us and submit it as plain text. For best results, I'd suggest throwing your story in Fimfiction before submitting; stories don't appear anywhere until they're marked as published, so don't worry about losing anonymity.

The tags fimfiction support are:
[b]
[i]
[u]
[center]
[color]
[hr]
[img]
[url]

The latter two of which I highly suggest avoiding completely. [hr] is used to make horizontal lines for scene breaks, and does not require a closing tag. (If you choose to use custom type for a scene break, I'll probably substitute it for a [hr] for consistency.) Again, for best results, chuck it into fimfic and see for yourself how it looks.

Oh and, try to keep the submission to a single file. I'm reminded of a certain submission that came in about 8 different GoogleDocs links.

>>88680
Okay i shall bear this in mind thank you kindly

>>88680
FIMfiction does have a Google Docs importer that converts your formatting to BBcode. I think your doc just needs to be public for it to work.

>>88683
Avoid at all cost for now. It has the tendency to strip certain parts of your docs without warning.

Trying to piece together the missing pieces can actually be more time-consuming that just copy-pasting the whole thing and making the necessary formatting yourself.

>>88681

>>88683
>>88684
The bottom line is that the more middlemen you choose to have, whether they be me or or a scripted importer, the more likely it is that your story will miss some details.

Now I'm not saying that you should edit your story in notepad. That'd be silly — you wouldn't get things like a spell-checker, and 66's and 99's on your quotations. I'm also not saying you should actually edit your story in fimfiction's editor. I'm just saying that you can make it easier for the both of us by submitting plain text. I don't think it's too much to ask.

If you're curious how I'll be typing up my own submissions, I'll be using LyX (http://www.lyx.org/). Give me .lyx files and I will be a happy pony.

>>88686
>y u give so many document?

>>88684
>>88691
I've never had trouble with the importer myself, but that may just be luck. Fair enough.

I'll be more careful with my tags this time to avoid making half of my story come out in italics. <_<

After much thought, I have decided to push through and enter the competition. I promise not to quit this time.

I will provide an entry, and writer greatness SHALL BE MINE!!!!!!!!1!1!!!11!1

>>88702
You sir, have just made my day a whole lot better.

Well, if it's all the same to everypony, I'd be glad to try my hoof at this!

>>88702
...

Brilliant!

>>88722
And I actually fucked up that post. Duh, bbcode is going to be parsed here! Reposting:

Word to the wise: In Microsoft Word, you can find and replace italics and other formatting.

Ctrl-H to go to find/replace dialogue.

Click in the 'find what' box, click Less, then Format->Font.

Pick your formatting type out of the appropriate section.

Then in the 'replace with' box, type (using italics in this example, and of course take out the spaces): [ i ]^&[ /i ]. That ^& will keep the word, phrase, or passage intact and insert the bbcode around it. It's the best thing I've ever learned.

I'd like to be added to the list of participants, if you would be so kind.

>>89118
Sure thing.

And no need to keep sage'ing, guys! A lot of people missed out last time because they didn't know this was happening, so tell your friends and your neighbours and your dog (if he can write). Shout it from the rooftops! I demand at least a better turn-out than last time — 100,000 words in a weekend.

Le bump.

Count me in! Squeak is ready to kick some flank!

I can try. Please count me in as well.

I think I'm going to kill myself in anticipation, I hate being nervous about things. Anyone feel like discussing something?

I, for one, am terribly concerned about how well I'm going to be able to accurately portray everypony in character, as the hodge podge of authors that work on the show has managed to baffle me with every new episode. I'm considering gathering the shows I consider to show each pony off the best, and focus on how certain writers have portrayed each character. That way, I can at least have some semblance of normalcy as I plow through my fic.

What about you, fine gentleponies?

>>89286
Perhaps "baffle" is too strong of a word here. Maybe more along the lines of "thrown for a loop?"

>>89286
Almost every ponyfic I've written has the Mane 6 playing secondary/cameos, if not completely absent. I can't say I'm confident of writing them IC because honestly, I haven't tried. Backstory/origins stuff where the main characters are putty in your hands is much more fun anyways.
>pic related

>>89286
My plan is to throw words at a document and hope it ships works.

>>89365
That's what a good first draft is, after all. At least with 72 hours, we have some leeway to do revising. Assuming we have the story written within a reasonable amount of time.

>>89364
Hmm... that's probably a good idea. But, then again, you gotta be careful who you pick and how you do it, otherwise it could blow up in your face. Fanon is a very prickly pear. Then again that only ever really matters when you shoot for shallow goals, like overly pandering to the audience.

Also, something I think that receives a lot of unfair hate is OC's. Something that should be heavily embraced and utilized to make our stories even better is instead branded and beaten, where it lays whimpering in the corner as onlooker jeer. I've been toying with a few fic ideas revolving around or involving newly created characters, but the sheer amount of animosity that orbits them has, quite honestly, steered me away.

>>89371
Welp, shows how long I've been gone along with a mixture of sleeping for about 10 minutes over the past 2 days. The last time I'd seen reactions to OC's was people expressing their distaste at them, and that the fic was downgraded merely by including them. I never really pay much attention to recent events. I do enjoy the OC done right thread that has popped up, very cool.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to sleep for the next 12 hours at least.

>>89371
>>89382
>I've been toying with a few fic ideas revolving around or involving newly created characters, but the sheer amount of animosity that orbits them has, quite honestly, steered me away.
Rumours of OC-hate have been greatly exaggerated. Write stories with OCs and you'll be fine if you just remember to make them characters. With my OC fic, I had one person tell me that they weren't interested in reading something so far removed from the source material, and a pretty positive reception otherwise.

Just be careful about how you have mane characters and OCs react to each other - keep it realistic and don't make your OCs totally overshadow the mane characters. Messing that up is probably the easiest way to generate hate. Keep everypony in-character as far as you're able, avoid romantic entanglements unless you're very sure of yourself, and avoid cliches like Pinkie Pie throwing a party for the glorious OCs.

(or you could just avoid the issue and not include the mane cast at all!)

Good examples of OCs that I can think of off the top of my head include the Fallout Equestria characters, that guy from Memories of Those Friends Who've Gone Before Us, the (technically background ponies) cast of Getting Lucky, the characters in Children of the Sun, and the pony Jeeves and Wooster in Canterlot Follies.

On a related note: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=42 (my all-OC stories FIMfic group)

>>89391
>Rumours of OC-hate have been greatly exaggerated. Write stories with OCs and you'll be fine if you just remember to make them characters.
Seconding this. Most people... or rather, most bad writers have their super duper awesome special snowflake doing something super awesome that the Mane Six must stare in awe and worship their OC. Okay, this is an exaggeration, but it is done in various degrees for too many times that it is not even funny.

I'll just mention Apples and Wrenches (OCxAJ ship) as another example of an OC well-done. Poor fic was starbombed on EqD, but the author is still plugging away at it, as far as I could tell.

>>89391
I don't think the OC hate is so overexaggerated, but perhaps more focused. EQD's readerbase will downvote for OCs still.

>>89475
It doesn't seem to be exaggerated, but more of living on the extremes. OC stories are rarely "meh" or "okay." Most of them get the "this is complete crap" response, but some stories like Antipodes and FoE (questionable since I haven't exactly read it) are really liked. From what I've seen, it isn't a case of hate, but rather one of extremism.

>>89489
I have a theory. If the OC is female and cute or cool and not immediately established as a God Mode Sue, then the fic will be well received unless the writing is god awful. Bonus points for good art of the OC as eyecatch. Likewise, if the OC is male, it will get starbombed, regardless of how good the writing is.

>>89267
RogerDodger, I think you missed me. Add me to the list, please.

>>89529
Sad that this is true t.t

However, the greats once knew of a formula for writing their own characters without fear of reprisal. They called it... Background Ponies.

>>89542
Il est fait, mon ami.

Trixie made a proclamation last time, and Trixie doesn't go back on her word.

Count Trixie in.

Count me in.

"Alright, I'm going to keep this weekend free, so I can focus on writing!"

"Hey what're you doing this weekend?"
"Wanna have a study group this weekend?"
"Hey are you busy this weekend?"

>[from public voting] five finalists will be chosen and sent to panel members to have the winners decided.
That means you get to choose the best from the best. Interested? Qualified? Send an e-mail.

>>89547
That picture is really creeping me out.

>>89795
>"Hey what're you doing this weekend?"
Ponies.
>"Wanna have a study group this weekend?"
Studying ponies?
>"Hey are you busy this weekend?"
Yes. Ponies.

>>89821
Question, and I should have asked it earlier: why are you going to a judges' panel format? I think this is a small enough contest that we get pretty good results just with public voting.

Unless you randomly get 100 entries this time, of course.

Blargh. Count me in.

PROMPT SUGGESTIONS SHALL BEGIN IN 11 HOURS.

Guideline for good prompts:
–Doesn't lock you into specific characters
–Doesn't lock you into specific genres
–Is no longer than a sentence, e.g., a phrase, something that could be used as a title

>>89843
We'll see how it goes. Last time we had quite a small number of voters, so I figured that a secondary round to re-order the finalists might be more effective.

THE EVENT SHALL START IN LESS THAN 60 MINUTES.

Post prompt suggestions below.

>>90003

Winning

Double-edged sword.

>>90003
A day off.

It was a dark and stormy night while on the road.

Down by the River

There's a first time for everything.

The best food ever.

Blue Harvest

>>90009
>Blue Harvest
Pic semi-related
I totally vote for Blue Harvest as well.

My other prompt idea would be "Trying something new".

>>90003
>(parts of) random track/album names from my music library

- Bridges in the sky
- All of a sudden I miss everyone
- I got no roots
- I can't explain
- Soft revolution

Trying too hard, or why can't I win?

The Best in the World.

They Don't Find You Funny.

He doesn't like you. I don't like you either.

Capitalism in Equestria.

The Cordial Canterlot Carnival.

Can I keep it?

Endless Summer.

Friends Part.

>>90003

There's Something in the Water

A trip to a new kingdom

Backwards Day

A secret friend

Dark Magic

-A midnight meeting

-Gaining a strange new power

-Rough waters

-A competition

-An awkward reunion

Hm. One of my favorite quotes:

"If you could have what you wanted most, how long would it make you happy?"

Though I suppose that would predispose toward sadfics.

A randomiser will select one from these 5 in 5 minutes:
-Soft revolution
-Trying something new
-The best in the world
-Double-edged sword
-There's a first time for everything

>>90018
Good luck to the judge panel on deciding prompt relevancy if we get soft revolution.

DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD

>>90021
And so it begins. Good luck to my fellow contestants, and may the best fic win!

>>90021
I was hoping we'd get this one!

Good luck everypony!

>>90021

I can work with that. Count my in and take my hat.

>>90021
That great moment when the prompt perfectly lines up with an idea you had.

>>90021
Ffff, I thought we had another twenty minutes before the prompt happened. @_@ Okay then. I hope I don't screw up the deadline on Monday...

>>90021
And then I draw a blank.

>>90021
This promises to be fun...
>pic semi-related

>>90021
This pleases Trixie.

Now to avoid the obvious.

>>90033
Check that your daylight savings settings are correct.

>>90033
Just remember, the time the prompt came out today is the time your story is due by. It came out at noon for me, so noon Monday is my deadline.

>>90067
Actually, DST hasn't happened yet, so I think it'll be ending at... either 2 or 4 PM Eastern time. I'm not good with time. :/

>>90091
If you put the time into Wolfram|Alpha, it will tell you how many days/hours/minutes until then, and will also try to determine what time it is for you. Check http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=12%2F3+20%3A00+UTC. Even if it gets your timezone wrong, a bit of arithmetic applied to the "Time difference from now" should let you know when it is for you.

Question: how... "risque" can we get? I understand clop is against Ponychan rules, but is it against the rules of the competition.

>>90112
See:
>>88622
Rule 4.

The compilation will be posted under Fimfiction's "teen" rating. Anything that earns your story a "mature" rating is off limits.

>>90094
The first time I tried that, I got it wrong. I'll have to do it again on Sunday just to see if it changes the time or anything. Like I said, not good with time.

>That feel when it's almost been 12 hours and you still can't think of something to write about.

>>90021

>>90142
>That feel when you've come up with an idea and have been too busy playing video games to work on it

>>90148
I'm playing .hack//Outbreak while I try to come up with something.

So... progress reports, anypony? I'm at about 1.5k words.

I decided this a few days ago and was going to post, but then I took a Mass Effect 3 to the knee.

I won't be entering the competition after all. Good luck to you all who are entered.

>>90173
150 words and a 150 word sequence of events.

>>90173
Wrote a page and a half last night at a friend's house.

Pretty sure this won't win the contest though.

>>90181
>inb4 Present wins the contest

Welp, after a night of planning, I finally found an idea I'm satisfied with.

Whether or not I can finish it in time is yet to be seen, but here goes nothin'.

>>90173
It seems my muse is taking the weekend off. If I can't come up with something before noon tomorrow then I will unfortunately be dropping out.

>>90173

I'm looking at 1.2k words in. If I don't work today, I'll work like mad tomorrow.

>>90173
ಠ_ಠ I have 170 words. And that totally isn't because of Killing Floor. Not at all.

>>90212

I have an incomplete outline. Mostly due to laziness and testings. My story will either be good, or die horribly.

You'll have to scrap my name of the list Roger. This isn't working for me. Be it the time-restriction or my brain trolling me. I don't think I'll have something, if anything, done before the deadline.

Progress report for me.

I wrote an outline, then started writing the story backwards. Because I'm terrible at beginnings and just wanted to start writing the sucker. Unfortunately, while I was writing it, the story changed into something completely different. Now it's going to take much longer than I thought to finish the story. I'll have to write like a madman to finish one.

On the plus side, since I'm writing the ending first and working backwards, if I don't finish, it won't be so bad. That will just mean me cutting out the boring backstory no one will care about in the first place. Hehe.

Also, because of Daylight Savings, doesn't that mean that the times will be off for some of us? According to the clock, it's been 27 hours, which leaves us with 45 hours till the deadline. Still plenty of time. :D

I've got nothing yet. I'm still tripping over myself trying to decide on a premise that suits the prompt well enough.

There are subtle distinctions between 'double-edged sword', 'be careful what you wish for', and 'but at what cost'. I'm having a hard time setting up an idea that falls neatly enough into the right category and keep putting a limb (or three) into the other camps.

>>90248
Here's my take on it:

>Double-edged sword
Something with the potential to both help and hurt you. For example, Adrian Monk's OCD from Monk. It's a blessing and a curse.

>be careful what you wish for
Getting what you ask for, but with an unforeseen downside. For example, wishing for a trillion dollars and A. being arrested for counterfeiting, B. being arrested for being an amazing thief, or C. being hated world-wide for taxing your peasants out of house and home in the country you now lead.

>But at what cost
Like the wish, but you knew about the downside. For example, saving your home planet by blowing up another.

>>90250
I know. It's just that my idea generator doesn't seem to care and I keep sliding over to where I don't want to be.

>>90018
Congratulations, somehow the prompts you have come up with are worse even than those for the FimFiction write-off.

>>90250
Shit, I think I'm doing it wrong. :/ I've only got 1.2k words though, maybe it's not too late to start over. Planning to work all day tomorrow, anyway.

For everyone else that isn't able to come up with something, take a shower. Seriously. I just came up with an awesome idea while I was in there.

If you're stressin' about it, just take a shower and relax. Something just might come to you.

My progress has been steady, although personally I find it woefully inept. I'm currently standing at five hundred words of a story that I believe that will be interesting to nobody but myself. However, I write on, blindly hoping that my audience will present me with some form of validation for my efforts. Such is life.

That being said, it's got the standard Cassius-infused style that seems to be very successful in certain situations.

>2 days in

>Not a single word written

>>90288

>>90288
Ha, what a loser. I've got FORTY SIX words.

>Tell myself I'm going to begin today.
>Spend all of day doing random unproductive stuff.

Looks like I'll be rushing tomorrow, then.

Soooo, I was doing a bit of calculating, and the deadline for me is ~3pm Monday. Is this correctish?

As my wordcount (very slowly) grows, I become more and more certain that I have a very solid premise...

Which I will almost certainly proceed to irredeemably destroy with my incompetence.

How're the rest of you doing?

>>90350
Slightly under 900 words at the moment, but I've come to realize that my story is irredeemable garbage.

>>90350
I just wrote like a maniac for a whole day, to then realize that my story will be terribly rushed if I continue writing the way I'm doing so.

So... new story time...

>>90349
I can't say since I have no idea what time-zone you're in. It's 3pm Monday for people in –5 UTC, i.e., Eastern Standard Time, i.e., most states in the U.S.

>>90353
Hmm, does that include the time change? I only ask because this is bloody confusing to me. I hate daylight savings time.

>thinks for a whole day
>only idea involving digging up depression as a source of inspiration

I'm sorry, guys, but I don't think I can come up with anything for the prompt. =( I'm just not in the right mindset to do any writing now, really.

>>90358
GFLAGLSH

NO.

Too many dropouts already. If I end up doing well when half of the others drop out, it's going to bother me for the rest of my life. It's hardly a competition when (no offense to anyone in this thread) the best players leave.

>>90359
What if he wasn't bringing his A game? Same result, really.

>>90355
I don't know what your DST settings are, so I can't say for sure. Like I said, use Wolfram|Alpha. Even if it doesn't get your time right, it'll tell you how long, in days/hours/minutes, until the submission time. I'm sure you can work it out from that.

>Have an idea
>Not a single word written

This is going to be good.

>>90358
>still depressed
>gets completely different idea after reading >>90359
>mfw
Actually, don't cross me off just yet. We still have a day, right?

>>90385
Yes we do. Good thing, too.

I managed to find stupid ways to distract myself all day and am still at less than 1k words.

Everyone else thinking about quitting - if you don't have more pressing engagements, if your reason for quitting is a lack of ideas or progress, don't quit. Stick it out and find a way.

Battle your writer's block or whathaveyou.

No matter what you produce, you're better off than if you did nothing because no matter how good or bad what you've written is there is SOMETHING to be learned.

And really, if the end result is THAT bad, you can quit and not submit it. But please, don't stop trying to write.

Never ever do that.

>>90350

I'm doing well, thank you. I think I managed to finally get out the first part of my story after what... 3k words?

I'll finish writing today and I'm pleased so far... but if I'm pleased, that usually means...

<< Picture semi-related

>>90387

MFW theworstwriter says something inspiring. I have the warm fuzzies right now.

>>90368
After DST, the deadline for Eastern Time is 4 PM Monday, assuming Wolfram isn't lying to me again.

>>90350

Still haven't written anything, but, eh, I've written like 4k stories in a day...assuming I can get a couple hours to myself at my computer I should be able to pull this off.

Finally sat down and actually started to half-assing one scene.

Now to actually write the other scenes.

>pic related

Can I enter anonymously?

>>90421

We already have one anon participating so I don't see why not.

If you're worried about time, think about this:
Typing at 50wpm -> 500 words in 10 minutes -> 3000 words in 1 hour. If you can get into your story and it starts flowing, you can feasibly finish it in only a few hours. Don't give up if you think you don't have time, you have plenty of it.

And if all else fails, future you can always show up and bail you out.

>>90412

Alright, managed to get little over 1k done. The ending is finished...now I just have to write the beginning and middle.

>That feel when it's 1AM
>That feel when getting up in five hours' time.
>That feel when have 3 hours after work to finish when I get back.
>That feel when this is going to be a damn close shave.

WHY CAN'T I HOLD
ALL THESE FEELS

>>90435
>50 wpm
>mfw

Welp. I'm just going to turn off my internet now and spend all day writing. (Adelaide Cup day – spend all day writing about horses, instead of watching horses race like the rest of the state.)

I'll come back a couple hours before the deadline to answer any last minute questions.

8,500 words in a day. Here's to editing this sumbitch! >:V

>>90535
>8500 words

>>90537
I've actually managed that (once) now. Not for this, though. Oh good heavens no. More than 8k? Nononono.

I imagine the final length of my entry will be *spoilers*k.

>>90535
I could have done this as well... but I had editing things to do, and totally didn't play Killing Floor. Nope. Not at all.

>pic totally unrelated

>>90535
>>90541
8k, why not ∞k? Twilight has the right idea.

After a day of rushing through writing, I finally got a full story. Probably a bad one, but hopefully it'll suffice.

How's everyone else doin'?

>>90544
After a few hours of debating whether or not to quit (again), got back to writing. Just over 3k words, and I have 2 hours or so to write. I'm probably halfway through, though I still don't have an end in mind. =s

I think I'm almost done, but I have a nagging feeling my entry will be the shortest by a fair margin. I think I was the second shortest last time.

Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but it gives a bad first impression to see a timed piece ending up so small. It makes the first glance suggest it's incomplete.

Who knows, maybe it IS incomplete.

~4k and I've basically just got to write the ending. It's probably still going to be a race against time, though. These things always are.

>Mfw finished this son of a bitch

I'll edit it in the morning.

Sending off the email now.

I can't even complain about the thing I want to complain about, because it would give away which one is mine.

Done! Not sure whether this is my A-game, but it's complete and sent, so that counts for something. At least my entry can exist to make the others look better.

Done. I could wake up early to edit, but fuck editing. Parts of it aren't spectacular, but it was fun.

Just a reminder guys and gals: I need to be able to open your submissions. :s

So far, I've gotten:
-a .wps file; I have no idea what .wps is and tried for ten minutes to find a way to open it, to no avail
-GoogleDocs links without permissions changed so I can view it
-Submissions without titles
-Submissions without authors

I need these last few hours to finish my story, so pleeeease don't be making me have to chase you up about this stuff.

>>90617
Pic because Chris is awesome and so are you. Don't fret yourself over the little bugs in the submissions until after the deadline, dude. =)

>>90620

Eh, don't think I'll make it in time. Only have five hundred words (five hundred more than my last writeoff, at least). I might drop the idea into the thread when submissions have closed down, since I think it at least has some merit.

Submitted!

I finished. I can honestly say that this is the longest thing I've ever written for fiction. Being under the weather prompted me to write both with the insane imagination of a man on drugs, and the detrimental cognitive function of said man on drugs.

Can I have my fourth place trophy now?

>>90639
>Only ending to write.
>No editing
>Only two hours to go.

>pic

Well, I did this to prove to myself that if I sit down, I can type a half-coherent story.

I'm happy with that. I can't wait to read what you guys have done.

Kudos to Rodger for being awesome.

>>90617

As the guy who sent in the .wps file, all I can say is 'oops'.

Does anyone know which files are acceptable? I'd hate to send in another file type that's incorrect, and the guidelines doc only mentions one example (which I can't access).

>>90648
Get it into GoogleDocs if you can't manage anything else.

>45 minutes left
>suddenly realize I hate the ending
Oh well.

Entry complete and submitted.

Considering the issue last time, can Trixie have a confirmation of reception?

Finally! We had to do this on the weekend Mass Effect 3 was released, didn't we? Finished with fifteen minutes to spare. I think I need to manage my time better. Rather than being three day's work, this is literally a day's worth. Goddamn Mass Effect, being such a damn good series.

Story completed and sent. Hurrah. I may have half-assed it, but it's better than dropping like last time. Don't forget that your stories can still be improved after the contest is over. The entire point of having a write-off is to test your current level under pressure and a time-line, right?

Besides, according to Ernest Hemingway, the first drafts of anything is "S***." So take heart everyone, we can always improve our stories as long as are willing. Onwards!

>>90659
>Finished in the last 15 minutes

>Suddenly no time to edit.

Oh well.

Fic submitted! I hope it wasn't too late.

I think a list of authors who you've gotten submissions from would be nice. That way, if somepony sent in theirs and you say you never got it, they can attempt to sort things out.

Whoo! Got mine in two hours early. :D HAPPY VOTING EVERYPONY :B

FICS RECEIVED: 19
IF YOUR FIC ISN'T LISTED BELOW, START PANICKING.

Directory of C:\Users\Cameron\Documents\Txt\Double-edged Sword

03/13/2012 07:33 AM <DIR> .
03/13/2012 07:33 AM <DIR> ..
03/13/2012 07:22 AM 21,846 A Case of You.txt
03/13/2012 07:11 AM 43,383 A Game of Twits.txt
03/13/2012 07:29 AM 15,289 A True Magician.txt
03/13/2012 07:35 AM 681 Authors
03/13/2012 06:59 AM 34,938 Benefits and Consequences.txt
03/13/2012 07:32 AM 16,234 Call Me, Call me.txt
03/13/2012 07:31 AM 19,853 Correspondence.txt
03/13/2012 07:26 AM 22,632 Creepy Doll From Down the Lane.txt
03/13/2012 06:35 AM 24,007 FLaSHBA-CK.txt
03/13/2012 07:08 AM 23,969 For the Love of All.txt
03/13/2012 07:00 AM 7,571 Harmony.txt
03/13/2012 07:18 AM 29,579 I Dream of Daisies.txt
03/13/2012 07:23 AM 25,389 Minotamed.txt
03/13/2012 07:01 AM 42,464 Pieonic.txt
03/13/2012 06:28 AM 24,646 Piercing Octaves.txt
03/13/2012 07:34 AM 22,847 Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords.txt
03/13/2012 07:20 AM 20,972 Pinkie's Panic.txt
03/13/2012 07:02 AM 17,772 Shadows.txt
03/13/2012 06:49 AM 30,278 Sword, Hammer, Stallion.txt
03/13/2012 07:17 AM 50,896 The Ueton Game.txt

STORIES: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

Please check that I didn't totally screw yours up.

Who are the judges?

>>90695
TBD. If people wish to submit an application to be a judge, the slots are still open until public voting is finished.

Public voting can be done at: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/FTCZVZP (See: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/20/Double-edged-Sword/VOTING)

Trixie expects Equestria Daily will be notified soon - and wouldn't it be nice if the competition got its own post?

Trixie would like that.

>>90699
What should such an application include?

>>90687
Those titles sonud damn enticing, if not morbid. "Call Me, Call Me"? Nice.

Alright, only read a A Case of Yous, A True Magician, Harmony, and Shadows...what're you guys' thoughts on the entries so far?

>>90733
I'm reading through them all at the moment, but haven't finished. I'll post my thoughts when I'm done, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on mine in the meantime.

STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

>>90743
Sorry, I'm trying to juggle a lot of stuff right now and my body is kind of messing with me. I've been awake for way too long. Your application just needs to tell me who you are and why you should be considered for the position. From the OP: "Panel members should be relatively well-known and reputable in the community and should not be participating in the event."

Just noticed something:
>One-Way Ticket
>Double-Edged Sword
Both are hyphenated adjectives followed by a nouns, and nopony even meant to do that.

Started reading the stories. I've only read four so far, but it looks like this write-off is a step up quality-wise from last time. I think that extra day must have really helped (I know it helped me).

Interesting how we have two Trixie stories again.

>Fic based on Tron
>Another one based on The Binding of Isaac

>Mfw I realize what they were based on.
Of course that's assuming I'm right. I'm really curious, did I read em right?

All of these stories were immensely enjoyable. You all did great.

>>90770
All /fic/ prompts must forever follow this pattern!

Two-Way Mirror
One-Two Punch
Top-Down Architecture
Drill-Bit Taylor :V

>>90780

Thanks. i'm glad you enjoyed mine. At least I'm assuming that means you enjoyed mine

Author of FLaSHBA-CK here, going down the list. Will get to the second half of the stories if I have the chance.

Story will be based on how good the overall premise could have been when stripped of the bells and whistles--how could the story could be, not how good it is. Execution will be based on how well said story was carried out with grammar, pacing, mood, and all that fun stuff. No leniency because of time constraints with these ratings outside of minor grammar stuff when it comes to these numbers, so they might be lower than one would expect. Don't take them to heart, though; I could probably have easily gone up or down by 1 for each case. Spoilers because spoilers--don't read the text part if you haven't read the story yet.

Rating baseline comparison:
My Little Dashie, Story: 1.5/5, Execution: 2.5/5

A Case of You:
Interesting premise with a time-tested conflict. I like it. Alcoholism doesn't cause heart attacks though, so the ending seems to come out of nowhere like the author was pressed for time, though not to a terrible extent. The main six coming out of nowhere doesn't work too well, either, I don't think. The mood doesn't really change throughout and the ending was fairly sour.
Story: 2.5/5
Execution: 3/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 25%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "That story where X loved Y but Y didn't love X back in the same way"

A Game of Twits:
I think the title would have been better as a pun on "battle of wits", but my pun-fu is weak. Chess is not my forte. The money issue seems to come from nowhere. And a bunch of other things don't seem to add up. The jokes are funny, but the writer seems to be trying too hard to be funny and making offhand jokes. E.g. there isn't really a game of twits and the title seems unrelated. (Maybe I'm just projecting, though.)
Story: 2.5/5
Execution: 2/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 20%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "That story about chess with a weird tournament setup and the author probably ran out of time, yet will somehow probably get five or six stars on EqD"

A True Magician:
A Trixie story that isn't a depressing backstory? Shock and awe! It's a Trixie vs. inner demons story. So much for that. It is Trixie backstory after all. Well, the ending was cute. Unfortunately, Trixie seems... out of character. This Trixie seems tortured and cynical instead of egotistical.
Story: 2/5
Execution: 2.5/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 25%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "A Trixie redemption fic"

Benefits and Consequences:
This doesn't seem much "double-edged sword" as much as it does "single-edged sword, wielded upside-down." It seems odd that ponies would go to Twilight for alchemy instead of going to Mortar and Pestle. Cure All sounds imbalanced. The writer appears to have run out of time, since the ending felt really rushed.
Story: 1/5
Execution: 1/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 5%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "Mortar and Pestle are some pretty neat OC names"

Call Me, Call me:
Maybe it was the slow jazz station I was listening to, but this felt pretty calm for the most part. There's not a whole lot of story to go around, but what there is works pretty well. I don't see how this is a double-edged sword, though. His determination, maybe? I dunno.
Story: 3/5
Execution: 3/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 25%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "Probably the first and last Cranky Doodle fic I will ever see"

Correspondence:
Interesting letter format, but Inky seems ridiculously off. "You just saved the country from eternal night, but what about me?" I thought the ending was solid, but everything up to that seemed pretty shaky. It doesn't help that I don't like the Pinkie and Octavia Are Sisters fanon, either. I'm assuming some of those italics should be cross outs.
Story: 2.5/5
Execution: 2/5 -- This would have been 2.5, but there're a lot of grammar things that throw me off.
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 20%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "Letters!"

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane:
The title and the ending weren't too great, but everything in between seemed solid with a rather interesting premise. It feels like the author was going for horror but ran out of time at the end. I seem to be saying that a lot, don't I?
Story: 3/5
Execution: 4/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 30%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "That fic where Lyra either gets haunted or goes insane"

Harmony:
It's nothing bad, but it's nothing special, either--there's a conflict but not much of a resolution. Can't say I particularly like the idea of the Elements of Harmony doing much more than being pretty, though the drawback idea seems fairly interesting--not that I can say I particularly like that, either, since I can't imagine harmony spurning disdain.
Story: 2/5
Execution: 3/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 10%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "Disagreed with my head canon"

So who are the judges?

>>90810
>that feel when yours is the next in line
I read yours on my phone and enjoyed it pretty much. The premise isn't exactly new, but the execution was good. That's all I can say until I do it justice and read it on my comp screen, with the others as well.

>>90810

>That feel when you want to jump up and say something to clarify your work but cannot

Thanks for the feedback in any case. I haven't gotten around to reading yours yet, though, but I'll try to today.

Also I just realized that the second "me" in my story's title isn't capitalized for some reason. RogerDodger, when or if you see this, could you do me a favor and capitalize it?

>>90810
>How I will remember this story section.

Why don't you just rip out my heart and kill me? You could have said my story was terrible, gave it 0/5, 0%, and said it was the worst story in the competition, and I wouldn't have been offended. Saying that, though, just fills my heart full of seething hatred.

Will respond to critique on return

>>90810
I haven't read Flashback yet, but thanks for the input. I knew the rushed final sections would show, but eh, I'm happy I did the best I could in the time I had.

I had a lot of fun writing it, and I want to thank you all for that. Great stories so far (I'm reading through Creepy Doll right now)

Correspondence I liked a lot; there were problems but I really did like it. I also want to say that A True Magician was nice, and A Game of Twits was predictable but still great fun. I'll do the same and write a few sentences on each when I'm done, it's the least I can do. Thanks again, everyone!

>>90822
I always feel an intense hatred after reading critiques, but it's a self loathing instead of outward anger. Sometimes I know I can do better than what I've done, yet I failed to do it. Other times I've utterly failed to create a story that is as great as the grandiose ideas floating around in my head.

What never fails, however, is the self loathing morphing into a burning determination to to better the next time I produce a story. I want people to be able to read through my stories and come away with some form of enjoyment. I realize I've most likely failed this time around, and I have some ideas why. However, as I have already been through my bout of self deprecation after reading through all the other stories and thinking mine hardly holds a candle to them, I have gotten to the point that I am determined to either revisit this story and make it better or to turn to another idea I have.

Just keep yourself going and realize they aren't trying to put you down, they merely want you to improve. If they were to sugar coat things, how would we get anything done?

>>90810

I think anon should read stories more carefully before giving half-assed critiques.

For example: You point out that alcohol doesn't lead to heart attacks. Yeah, when it's taken in moderate consumption... I would imagine that as heavy a drinker as Berry is portrayed, there would be some issues beyond what normal alcohol consumption can bring up. That, and it led her to an unhealthy life style, which one could then say is the root cause of her heart failure.

Another story, Benefits and Consequences. I don't think you read it all the way through or you only skimmed it. You probably missed the part where RD lets slip to Lyra that it was Twilight that made the pain suppressant. Um... one, it's RD, who seems to be one of the more popular ponies in Ponyville that let that secret out of the box, and two, word travels fast. Oh boy! Free potions as compared to the potions I would have to spend my hard earned bits on. Where the hell do you think I'm gonna go?

Lastly, A True Magician. Umm... actually, Trixie has a pretty good reason to be cynical and tormented. She had her ego shattered by the Ponyville incident. Life pretty much sucks for her. Oh, and before you argue about the time line of this story, it's pretty ambiguous. Sure, she has a cart, but it isn't necessarily the one in the Ponyville incident. She could have gotten another.

Okay, fine, you've read over this and you probably have a scything reply. Just hold your horses. Just because I believe you gave half-assed critiques doesn't mean I'm gonna automatically downgrade yours. I'm going to actually read it thoroughly and give it a fair chance instead of skimming. Want to know why? Because we have a week to read through all the stories. No rush there.

>>90810

There, I read FLaSHBA-CK. And like I said, I gave it a chance.

Guess what! It was good, but full of plot holes. However, I'm not going to hold that against you too hard because of the given constraints.

Now, time for pointing out some some things, much like you seem so fond of doing.

Okay, good concept, but like I said earlier, it needs work. For example, why was Colgate working on the FLaSHBA-CK at Berry's house and in her basement? Colgate has no reason to be there. I could point out several reasons why, but I'd only do that in a full review, which I'm not going to do here.

Second, you have Colgate walking around with the hat on, while it's constantly showing her images. No issue there except for... oh... maybe not being able to walk in a straight line. She's seeing things that have already happened. For example, she might see where a wagon crossed the road... as she was crossing in real time. Her instinct would be to jump out of the way. I'm sure you can see the issues there.

Lastly, now she knows what she's in for before she goes into the restaurant. By now, she's seen some pretty horrible things. Why the hell didn't she turn them off for this meeting? Come on now, that's just making Colgate an air-head for the sake of the story. At least try to keep her in character with what little we know about her.

Overall: 6/10. I gave it that score mostly because the concept was pretty good.

Alright then, have some feedback everypony. I've read everything except for A Game of Twits; Shadows; Sword, Hammer, Stallion; and The Ueton Game. I'll get to you folk later.

I'll vote once I've read everything. Try to guess what scores I'm going to give, or don't.

A Case of You
Celestia, was this ever depressing. There's such a feeling of hopelessness around Berry's life and you really got that through to me. Well done.

A True Magician
With the way the word "magic" is used, this story seems a better fit for human characters, unless I'm missing something/read it wrong. Also, I'm not sure I buy Trixie as this cynical and self-loathing, although I suppose it's not an impossible version of her character. This is one of the better Trixie stories I've read, but that really isn't saying very much at all.

Benefits and Consequences
Look out for word repetition and sentences which repeat themselves when you revise this. Lots of other miscellaneous errors in this one---enough to notice, at least.

Story-wise, it didn't satisfy. I thought you were going to have the alchemists explain what it was that Twilight had neglected to do, but you didn't, and so I'm left wondering what went wrong with her potions. The moral here is good, and I think this story has potential, but it needs a less dull resolution.

I'm not hung up on prompt-relevance, but alchemy in this fic didn't strike me as something which had a strength that was also a weakness---its strength was its amazing curing abilities, and its weakness was that newbies could mess it up. Not a double-edged sword.

How did Twilight know the name of Spike's disease when none of her books referenced it?

Call Me, Call Me
Lots of unwieldly and repetitive writing, but a good editing pass should take care of that. It's nice to see someone delving into Cranky's tragic backstory, and I think you did a fairly decent job of this story-wise.

Correspondence
It's really obvious who wrote this. Shades of Simply Rarity. I liked it---it showed the entirety of season one in a new, triviality-exposing light. The last letter was a punch in the gut.

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane
I feel like this story would be better applied to OCs, somehow. I know that there's not much difference in BG ponies and OCs, but Bon-Bon's death had a numbing effect on the rest of the fic, probably reducing its impact on me. Although without Lyra and Bon-Bon it mightn't very much of a pony story. Guess I might be too invested in BG ponies.

For a horror story, I didn't find it particularly frightening. I'm sure there are ways you can change the structure of the text to give this fic some more suspense and I do hope you do that after the Write-Off.

You mentioned Lyra's "hands" at one point. I loled.

FLaSHBA-CK
I'm surprised at how long it took you to make the obvious sex joke. Some of the dialogue exchanges were a little confusing and it pretty much goes without saying that the story was predictable (not that that's really a bad thing). I didn't really see the hat as a double-edged sword---you didn't really showcase any particular use or benefit of it before diving into what was awful about it.

Overall, it was an entertaining little romp that made me smile in a few places.

For the Love of All
Um, why not adopt? I'm assuming it's because Gaelstorm isn't the kind of ponies adoption agencies want to pawn their children off to.

That little nitpick aside, I loved this. You weaved an interesting and terribly tragic backstory for Fluttershy, and I really liked the character of White Wing's father. I'll be honest and say I preferred the first half of the story to everything that came after they found out that Fluttershy had a kindness aura, but that part wasn't bad, per se, just not as good as what came before, in my eyes.

Harmony
I'd probably dig this scene in a longer fic. On its own, though, it's really just a scene. Didn't really do much for me, sorry.

Minotamed
Heh. Picking Your Hoof Up, eh? I liked this story. It had a very episode-like simplicity and charm to it. There were some funny moments, many of which had a very FiM feel to them. The prompt wasn't really explicitly implemented anywhere that I saw, but I guess the double-edged swords at play here are extreme assertiveness and extreme kindness. Works for me.

Pieonic
Language is quite painfully off in numerous places and there are many more errors than I am prepared to excuse. Your dialogue tags are incredibly belaboured and overwrought and there's a lot of word repetition. Please use more hyphens. Use "said" instead of "spoke" and try "asked" instead of "questioned". Don't use "less" when you mean "fewer". And that's just the tip of the iceberg...

As for the story itself... meh. It seems a bit random. Twilight arbitrarily decides to teach Pinkie magic, they do some stuff and then Pinkie suddenly turns evil, creates a timeloop and kills a guy. It's all put rather boringly. You've got a few interesting ideas about magic, but your clunky prose made this story a chore to get through.

You mentioned Pinkie's "humanity" at two points.

Piercing Octaves
TRON Pilgrim VS Equestria? Sweet. It also reminded me of that movie Gamer a little. I quite liked the way this fic started off, and I genuinely didn't see the twist near the end coming. I'm not a big fan of the ending---I get what you were going for, but it just felt a bit weird and unsatisfying. You introduce some deep stuff flippantly in the final moments of the story and it's like a sequel hook that I'm glad doesn't actually promise a sequel.

You really oughtn't mention Michael Bay in a My Little Pony story. At least change the name a bit (Michael Bray, anyone?)

Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords
A fic with the end moral that I thought Party of One was going to have. Neat. It needs a fair bit of polish, though. I may just not be a clever pony, but I didn't get the signficance of the ending, or whether there was any meaning in Pinkie actually finding a sword in the random place Stone had directed her to.

Pinkie's Panic
Party of One with a more frighteningly realistic psychotic break for Pinkie. Hmm. For what this is, it works. The idea of a tomato-flavoured cupcake is certainly... interesting. I liked the moral and interpretation of Pinkie's ideas about friendship.

Lots of Pinkie stories this time around.

There are a good number of very enjoyable stories here that I'll be quite happy to lose to. Well done, everypony! I'll read the rest soon.

>>90780
Eeyup. Inspired by, but not ultimately ''based on'' The Binding of Isaac, which is to say it draws on the visuals and ''gameplay'' but has nothing to do with the plot, and was of course written with an audience unfamiliar with BoI in mind.

>that feeling when everyone's going to read your story last

>>90847

I see. Reading through it again I can see what you're saying. Not exactly my best showing, but oh well. I'm still getting through the stories myself.

>>90850

Well it is the longest of the bunch...

>>90840
I had a response, didn't expect someone else to provide one more me.

Mine was: Why assume it was a backstory? I suppose it's my fault for not having Trixie complain about having to buy a new wagon, or bemoaning her encounter in Ponyville, but I felt pinning the story in a timeline to be unnecessary.

>>90847
I agree with you, to some extent. I found it quite difficult to convey a human understanding of magic - "a force that brings happiness/makes dreams come true" - in a universe where magic (in a more practical, limited form) exists. I'm sure there is a solution, I just couldn't find the exact words required in the time provided.

In general, I might as well out say it now: I am dissatisfied with the way my entry came out. Simply put, it moved far too fast for my liking and the depiction of the character came out incomplete. That, and I have the sense I would have been better off closing the curtains after she fell asleep - at least then it wouldn't be joining the legions of other "Trixie redemption fics" so readily.

Anyways, do continue to post critiques, everyone. I do appreciate them, and I know everyone else does.

>>90850
>inb4 half the stories in the next write-off are "A ..."
>inb4 Aaron's Aardvark Adventures

Sorry about the late reply (Tasty irony, am I right?); I was waylaid by mod zealotry.

>>90745
Cracker Saltine, don't talk back to me; I can read the damn OP all day long.

Anyway, I lame is an anagram of email, and I am not lame, so here's my application:

I'm anon. I'm pretty great at most things.

Today I made a cake (it ended up more like chocolate sludge) and everyone liked it. Not only that, but I described each ingredient in depth and in chinese. 我是很好！
I enjoy all sorts of music, country notwithstanding (damn those hicks). All of my favorite colors fall between 450 and 650 nanometers on the electromagnetic spectrum.
I can juggle up to three easily-caught objects, such as eyes. I have gone to a renaissance fair without breaking into laughter.
I find gay people kinda scary.
I can reach the top shelf without using a chair. My least favorite pony is applejack (damn them all!).
I do not know how to properly punctuate parentheses. I cried at the end of Gladiator.
I only like yellow starbursts. I really, really like the 4th of july.
I wrote some pony stories one time; they were pretty great. They still are.
I have a deep appreciation of timely responses.
I put milk in a bag once. It was today.
For the cake.

I don't think that I like hardwood floors as much as most people seem to. Orchata is pretty great.
So are churros. After watching Blackhawk Down, I developed a deep fear of somalians.

I strongly dislike quilts. In general, handcrafted items irk me.
I tried to wear a scarf once, but it didn't work. It ended up as a turban and people on the train were perturbed. My favorite soup is cream of potato.
Chickarina is also nice. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of foot diseases, which I'm sure will prove invaluable once I am appointed to your high council.
Large dogs are frightening. All canines seem innately predisposed to violent acts against me, but I only worry about the bigger breeds because those aren't as easy to dissuade with kicks and pliers.
Cats are alright.
If you have any questions about my application, feel free to ask them.
Cats are awesome!

I always play on easy mode. I heard that Precious was pretty funny.
I also have reviewed a couple of fics. Of course, I did an excellent job. As a result, I was awarded the prestigious red quill award by the IPFWG. I can flip a coin over my knuckles rapidly.
Zubat is my favorite pokemon. I am not going to sage this post.
I have a google docs gold account. I try not to think about FiM ending. I also try not to think about my own inevitable mortality.
However, I’m sure the monuments in my honor will last long into the future, loudly declaring that anon was the finest poster ever to grace /fic/.

Balsamic vinegar is my favorite condiment of all time. I dip saltines in it. I dip beef jerky in it. I dip quesadillas in it. I dip my fingers in it.

My family has a history of substance abuse. I suspect that I will become addicted to or dependant on alcohol in my future.

I hate tea. It is weakly flavored and shitty.

There is one exception. Mint tea is fucking great. I wish it was summer so I could grow some goddamn spearmint.

I don’t like the heat, though. It always makes it difficult for me to sleep. At least the humidity will be higher soon.
I’m tired of being ashy. My elbows are like pompei or something. Shit is ridiculous.
I have a minor tongue-related medical condition which only affects .06% of Americans. This is just one more way in which I am a special snowflake.

Sometimes people think I’m a skinhead. I am constantly obligated to explain that while I don’t shed any tears for israel, I am not a neo-nazi.

If is my firm belief that all cookies other than chocolate chip or thin-mint should be burned as fuel. After the lesser-cookie surplus has been dealt with, all copies of the recipes should be burned as well.

I am equally prejudiced against everyone.

I went to church once without laughing at all. It was more difficult than the Renaissance fair.

I just hope I’m not overqualified.



Anyway, once you get it narrowed down to five, let me know.

>>90857
You're definitely over-qualified. What with that skill set, I'm surprised employers aren't grovelling at your feet. How can I trust you won't leave me for someone else?

>>90859
They are groveling, saltine. They are.

However, I am already gainfully employed as an astronaut/firefighter/doctor aboard the international space station. Unfortunately, there aren't many fires up here, and my co-workers are all as healthy as horses. This leaves me with quite a lot of extra time.
Since this is a dry space station, liquid entertainment is out of reach. Our media reserves dwindle, with only a russian's ipod and a few science fiction movies remaining. I would suggest to my crewmates that we have an orbit-orgy, but those russians are so damn negative that I'm sure that my plan would crash and burn.
Fortunately, we met REDACTED
REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED who REDACTEDREDACTEDponychan, fimfiction, and this one conspiracy site! Anyway, now this is my main form of entertainment. I mean, I would gladly make more cakes, but those russians got into the supplies again.
I found them snorting chocolate powder in the laboratory module. I think that they might be having difficulty coping after those invasive REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED.
I'm still a bit sore from the whole ordeal.
Perhaps it's for the best that we won't be having any salacious parties; I think we'd all like to forget what happened.

Back to the topic at hand. I will never give you up, saltine, (I do not plan on letting you down, either) because I am stuck in space.

Also, future me stopped by a minute ago to let me know that I did a really good job judging the final five fics. Whelp, I guess you made the right decision.

>>90865
I saw that thing (you didn't need to delete it!) floating by just the other day. My crewmates freaked out. I treated them for hysteria, out of pure boredom.

Sorry about my deletion, those rambunctious russians strategically added errors to my post while I checked to make sure earth was still there. I only noticed after the fact.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll start looking through the fics tomorrow, too much on my plate right now.

>>90810
Inky being out of character? I wasn't aware she had a character. I tried to make her a bit like Pinkie at the start and then show her grow colder. Yeah those italics should be cross-outs. I had an author's note at the start but it seems to have gone missing. I know its a bit outdated, the Inky-Octavia thing, but I felt it was an opportunity to exploit. Thanks for reading, I know I should have gone full letter format but I didn't have the time. Trend continues.

>>90847
[?]Is it really obvious who wrote this? [?] Thanks for commenting. Had to look up what Simply Rarity was, suffice to say it's now bookmarked ready for later.

>>90847
>somepony liked something about my story

I would give feedback if I could, but I absolutely suck at wording what I'm thinking. It's not that they're too bad to find something concrete, or too good to find anything to say, it's just I can't exactly explain what it is I liked or disliked about them. I tend not to notice things if I'm not reading a story with a critical mind as my imagination kicks into gear and fills in whatever information I might need, so I end up not knowing for sure why I liked or disliked something.

About the only useful thing I can say is that while none of our stories are perfect, they each brought something to the table that the others lacked. Every one of your guys' stories had something different about it that made it enjoyable in a way that the other ones weren't, and I happily read through each and every one of them.

>>90822
>You could have said my story was terrible, gave it 0/5, 0%, and said it was the worst story in the competition, and I wouldn't have been offended.
If I said those, I'd be lying, because I don't think any of those. I apologize for offending you.

>>90840
>we have a week to read through all the stories. No rush there.
Unfortunately, I don't have a week. I can't do much more than skim. I would liked to have gone over all them thoroughly, but real life sucks. I have no defense for skimming besides that. I'm not going to vote unless I can actually read through all of them without skimming, and it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to do that in the next week.

I don't know much about alcohol's effects outside of what I see on television and the occasional frat boys outside my window, so I was talking out of my rear end there. Looks like my skimming of Benefits and Consequences led to me missing a lot of stuff. I do stand by what I said about A True Magician, though, since that's based on my view of the character.

>>90845
Your response is much appreciated, and I'll be sure to address those points when I revise the fic. Especially that second one.

>I'm not going to hold that against you too hard because of the given constraints.
I can only say that I hope you do so for all the stories if you vote. That score is higher than what I would have given it myself, though. I would have given my own story 2 and 1.5.

>>90855
That part about her past and its importance to the story made me label it a backstory. I actually thought this was after the events in Ponyville. Maybe "backstory" isn't the best word to use, but I can't think of anything more fitting. I do not have a diverse vocabulary. I haven't read a lot of Trixie backstories, though.

>>90872
I didn't think that she was out of character, and she seemed pretty consistent to me. I just thought that she was incredibly self-centered which made me not like her as a character. You made her antagonistic and angry when I think she should have been disappointed. Though, upon further reflection, Inky's actions do seem more believable.

>>90847
Glad to hear that you found it entertaining. I wrote the beginning and end first, then wrote the middle, which I ran out of time on. Of course, that is admittedly just an excuse.

I would like to have spent more time on this response, but like I said, real life sucks. Everything I've said is just the opinion of one reader--one who didn't read thoroughly, at that. Apologies to all.

I'm having a ball guessing who is who.

I'll report my accuracy once this is over.

>Chess is not my forte.

Understandable, but I tried to appeal to a wide as base as possible.

>The money issue seems to come from nowhere.

Out of all the possible critiques you could have chosen for plotholes in that story, you chose the one that had the most explanation and holds the most water. Perhaps you are a bit rusty? I mention on multiple occasions that it's caused by a running tab they've accrued plus the damage to cafe. There were so many other things you could have criticized: The biggest one being why they're playing chess in the first place. , but generally I would say that every story has plot-holes; it's just the amount of effort a writer goes through to make them not obvious, or in other words, maintain suspension of disbelief.

>And a bunch of other things don't seem to add up.

I won't ask you to explain. I know. Fiction is sometimes like that.

>The jokes are funny, but the writer seems to be trying too hard to be funny and making offhand jokes.

This was not initially intended to be a comedy, so the effort of "trying to hard" is either a complete accident, or I'm just not that funny. Either way, I'm fond of the narrative style where narrative description leads to mild humor. I would not classify this as a comedy per se, more of just a normal unassuming story.

>E.g. there isn't really a game of twits and the title seems unrelated. (Maybe I'm just projecting, though.)

To tell the full truth, I'm aware of this, but I liked the title too much to find something else more fitting.

>>90884
You probably won't be able to guess who I am, unless by power of deduction or some such.

>>90897
I know a single person who could do that, but I don't think he would bother himself in trying to find out.

>>90904
I doubt even they would be able to have enough information to do that, unless they frequented here and knew all of the participants or some such.

On another note, I'm going to take Creative Writing Fiction and Creative Writing Poetry next semester. I'm super duper excited! Anypony else a college student?

>>90897
>implying that there are methods outside of deduction

>>90913
There is extortion, subterfuge, torture, mind reading, wild guessing, and liver gazing (goats and horses are said to be best).

>>90917
Don't forget hacking.

STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

(Remember to keep this visible, people)

Alright. Got critiques for everyone except myself. I tried to be realistic and objective. No numbers because I don't bloody feel like it.

A Case of You – Decent shipfic. Fluttershy x Berry Punch isn’t very common. There were some issues in perspective shifts from the frame story to the one Berry tells as well as some tense issues, but given a good polishing it could be good.

A Game of Twits – Really good. Solid plot structure, and an interesting premise. Criticisms: missing commas, certain areas get slightly telling, and the lack of describing the chess games disappointed me. You obviously have a wealth of knowledge of chess as evidenced by your correct naming of the openings and strategies (though I do deplore the fact that you didn’t bother to address the black responses, but we didn’t have a long time). All in all, one of the best so far.

A True Magician – Hmm, this is interesting. It is certainly a unique take on Trixie’s origins and life, but I don’t feel like there is a compelling conflict. The double think she has is amazing for a character, and could make a good story, but it doesn’t seem to be the conflict in this story. Certainly some potential, but it needs to either play up the double think or have some other conflict.

Benefits and Consequences – Good story. Nice plot, character, and mechanics. The idea of Twilight delving into dark magic and that sort of idea is really interesting to me. I kind of wish you had taken it darker, but it was still really good.

Call me, call me – I can’t honestly critique this. It didn’t manage to hook me (probably because I disliked Cranky even in canon) and I skimmed through it. Sorry.

Correspondence – I must say, I’m not a fan of the format, but it works for this. The thread through it is very well done, as are the renditions of the canon stories. Really good story, some ideas in the spoiler tag. The change in their names is quite interesting, but I don’t think you played it up right. Pinkie alternates between using Inky, Isabelle, and Octy. Inky uses Pinkie, Pinkimena, etc. You should really look at which names they would use as they wrote each letter, and the intimacy and/or closeness as they write them. Namely, some of the ones signed “Pinkimena Diane Pie” are oddly placed because Pinkie is really trying to be close to Inky.

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane – Well, you kill Bon Bon in the opening scene. And it works. The ending isn’t as dark as you hinted at throughout the story, and it kind of feels like you couldn’t think of a good ending. I do love the idea, but it seems like a darker ending, or one where her friends help her would be better. Outside of that, there are a few punctuation marks missing and some minor things that need polishing.

FLaSHBA-CK – I’m not sure what to say. It seemed a bit… lighthearted for the subject matter, but overall it was good. Not much to say here.

For the Love of All – The “written down journal” style didn’t work well for this. The main issue is the change from Fluttershy’s diaries to the investigator’s notes. That said, the diaries were very intriguing, but the notes were dreadfully boring, and would have bordered on bipolar ponies if it had been in a different format.

Harmony – Interesting concept. I certainly like the idea of the Elements having drawbacks. However, it isn’t a true fic, but rather more of a scene. I can’t really say much because it is a scene. There is no resolution, there is no overarching plot. It is simply the piece to something larger.

I Dream of Dasies – Certainly an interesting concept all the way around. However, I am still unclear of whose story it is. It could be either Rainbow’s or Daisie’s. The former is where the fic starts, and the latter is where it ends. Unfortunately, if it is Daisie’s story then it certainly lacks a definite resolution.

Minotamed – I didn’t particularly care for the episode, so I can’t say I enjoyed this too much. The bold font annoys the piss out of me. I can say it is a cute story, but not one I particularly care for myself.

Pieonic – Good story. Aside from the capitalization, tense, and phrasing issues it was good. Still, the mechanical errors were so constant that I’m not sure I can ignore them enough to rate this above “good.” Lots of potential here, though I expected a darker ending.

Piercing Octaves – Really solid idea. Outside of some formatting issues I really enjoyed it, until the ending. It seems rushed and honestly like you didn’t give a fuck about it. I mean really? Godmode was stupid enough by itself, but to actually make that sort of Michael Bay reference? You had a BRILLIANT story going, and ruined it with that ending. Shame on you. Go write a better ending now.

Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords – You know, I’m tempted to say you don’t understand the concept of a double-edged sword to be funny, but it is clear you do. The story had a lot of potential from the outset, but ultimately disappointed me. It is really just a retelling of A Party of One without the interest of the depression. Ultimately, a disappointing story that does little to redeem itself in the way of comedy.

Pinkie’s Panic – I’m not sure if you meant this to be TwiPie shipping, but it sounds like it. Regardless, a cute story. The panic attack is hard to see as a reader, and I’m confused by it. However, you did it fairly effectively so I can’t complain. If anything, the story doesn’t come off as particularly good or great.

Sword, Hammer, Stallion – Fun little story. Quite lovely in fact. I must admit, I’m a sucker for loss of innocence stories. The perspective shift near the end was subtle and well done, but it leaves me confused when you move away from Cross Tree (whose perspective you seemed to have switched to) and follow Reveille. Additionally, the subtlety with which you portray the relationship between Reveille and Opal is very well done, and perfectly developed for such a short piece.

The Ueton Game – Note: this is before I read much into it. You have AJ say “Them’s good eaten” and I feel compelled to share this story. In Florida, near the Atlantic, there are burrowing turtles. Now, they taste really good when cooked. So, my uncle was driving and ran across this lady stopping to help one of them pass. So he stops the car, gets out and asks if she is going to take it home and says “them’s good eaten.” She was appalled. He ended up standing there until she put the turtle in her car and took it home. Well, the story is irksome to say the least. It reminds me of Amnesia too much for its own good. Aside from that, I was never able to really feel the horror that AJ experiences in the maze. Aside from completely missing on the horror part, the ending was horrid. Yeah, they get to this spire and past every baddie (which is annoying because they are able to just skip by them) and it is very much “Oh hai, Nightmare Moon here, time to die” and then they use the classic excuse for winning a dream: it’s a dream! Do whatever you want! And that makes me think of the line from Inception “Dream a little bigger darling.” Ultimately, it could be darker. I may just be a sick fuck, but I’d like to see them descend into madness before winning, or not winning. I’d also like to feel the horror, to really see the atrocities. But, I’m starting to ramble on too long for a short critique.

>>90926
>>90847
Yeah, there's still a lot more of this story to tell. Time constraints had me put up in a bind, and I simply could not come up with a satisfying conclusion from the point I was at, so I decided instead to end with a bit of tongue-in-cheek that (I hoped) would read: "This is not the real ending."

>Outside of some formatting issues
Would you be able to expand on this?

>>90930
You use indents for the vast majority of the piece, but some of your paragraphs that open scenes lack them. Consistency is necessary. That is all; a very minor issue that is easily fixed.

>time constraints
Heh, I understand those. My story just cut off where it felt most appropriate within the constraints. It certainly has a lot left to tell, and dark places to go. Also, I found some relevant pictures.

>>90932
Not indenting opening scenes' paragraphs is standard formatting. If you go to almost any published book you own, you'll see this. (I didn't believe it either until another pointed it out to me. It was quite enlightening.)

>>90932
It's actually proper to not indent the first paragraph of a section. Albeit this makes more sense when you aren't double-spacing the paragraphs, but still. It's not incorrect per se.

Damn ninjas.

>>90926
Would you be willing to give a deeper analysis of mine if I were to do the same for yours? I feel like my writing is perpetually stuck at 'mediocre,' and I want to get feedback so I can figure out what I'm doing wrong. I'm not sure how helpful I'll be, but I will make certain to give you as much feedback as I possibly can. I'd immensely appreciate it, but if you don't want to that's fine.

>>90936
I'll give it a go, but it may be a day or two since I have several things hanging me up (not writing or editing mind you, real life things I can't just ignore). As far as mine goes, don't feel pressured. If you want to, that's fine. But don't feel like you owe me anything.

>>90933
That is a bizarre rule. Also, the way bizarre is spelled is weird. I hate English, so weird.

>>90938
I'm guessing this format is used in published books because it takes up less lines than having markings like spaced and centered bullets. One empty line versus three, saving pages and whatnot.

>>90926

Well, it's definitely an idea I'll explore after the write-off is done. Alchemy has always been an intriguing subject to me.

>>90938
The rule makes sense if you think about the reasons behind indentation. To quote Robert Bringhurst: "The function of a paragraph is to mark a pause, setting the paragraph apart from what precedes it. If a paragraph is preceded by a title or subhead, the indent is superfluous and can therefore be omitted."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paragraph#Paragraph_breaks

In other words, there's no need to indent the first paragraph because you're not setting it apart from any preceding paragraph. It honestly looks quite ugly (I think) anyway.

Indentation in this fandom's fics have always rather irritated me, especially because everyone likes to use Tab to make ugly massive spaces instead of using GDoc's ruler or their word processor's paragraph settings to make smaller and more pleasing indents like the ones in published work. Also because indenting double-spaced work seems like massive overkill (although some prefer reading that way, so fair enough).

We had a topic about this a while back...

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>>90926

Darn, well, thanks for taking a look at it anyway. I know you're not a fan of Cranky Doodle, but is there anything you think I could have done to make it more interesting?

>>90926
I'll just say right now, what came out in this contest was very much a pared-down version of the idea behind this story. I envisioned it as a long-form piece, and so it was necessary to cut a lot out, which I no doubt did poorly at. This will probably be where all the criticism stems from. I'll rewrite it after the contest is over.

STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

Here's what I've read for tonight. No numbers, but I'm really thrilled with the turnout - quality has definitely gone up since last time, and I can't wait to see which entries turn out to be gems. Plenty of EqD-entry stuff, for sure. I'll try to finish the list in installments, but that depends largely on mood and school.

Harmony:
Could have done with more telling, actually. Sprinkling Discord's dialogue with expressions, twitches and general Discord-y mischief would have spiced it up a lot more, for me. Overall, while the narrative was tight and the piece overall polished, it's just there - it doesn't go anywhere satisfying.


Shadows:
The first half was a bit draggy. I'm not one for paragraphs of actions, but I found it easy enough to follow. Trixie being Celestia's daughter, however, was just too big a jump in logic. Like, really, what? Why is that even there? There were minor errors here and there, none of them too serious though.


Call Me, Call Me:
At least half of it consisted of long sentences that bordered on run-on. Even so, the descriptions were well-done, and gave me a good feel of the scene. Cranky's feelings, thoughts and memories played out wonderfully, and the way it addressed the prompt was very satisfying. It wasn't ambitious, but it was solid and relatable.


A True Magician:
Well, it was a Trixie redemption fic. I rather like how Trixie's redemption is based largely on her own reflections and decisions, rather than somepony else being the impetus for change, though that's just me. The prompt did not feel all that pivotal, though that's not a fault as much as personal preference. I guess I'm trying to say that it was pretty decent, not a bad read at all, and I can see how this fits the prompt even though it took a bit of thinking.


FLaSHBA-CK:
A few things annoyed me. A few words were missing here and there. Lyra being the one wanting to rush off when Bon-bon was the one emerging from Roseluck's house doesn't match up - wouldn't it be Bon-bon who wants to hide the secret, and hence rush off? I spent a while trying to figure out the rationale behind the events before giving up. That much being said, the idea is cartoony. It's been done in cartoons before, and you've retained that cartoony style and ending, which made reading this enjoyable. Good job, but could have been that little bit more better.


Sword, Hammer, Stallion:
Everything after the timber wolf encounter reminded me of "A Cup of Joe". I liked this one a lot. The setting had the right vibe to it, the characters likeable, every element coming together perfectly; need I say more? One thing, though: "You’re gonna go home scared to your moms" - not sure if missing apostrophe, or clever jab at f/f pairings in Equestrian society.


I Dream of Daisies:
First off-tangent thought: INCEPTION
That aside, I quite liked this one too. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that this is the contender for my first place alongside Sword, Hammer, Stallion. It was well-written, with only one error: "Compared images of the place" that offended; any other errors, if present, were lost with the plot. It was engaging, intriguing, and that ending had me nodding in approval. I don't like RD fics, generally, but when I do, it's one where the joint main character is one cool-as-heck OC.

>>90926
I'm going to be a facetious and say it was a "double-protagonist fic". HOW MANY POINTS DO WE RECEIVE?

The lack of resolution for Daisy was intentional. I'm rather a fan of stories that feel like they're part of something big and unexplained, which I understand aren't to everyone's taste.

That said, I'm tentatively considering writing about more of Daisy's adventures later on. Depends on how much material I can come up with.

>>90969
I'm surprised no-one brought that movie up earlier. Yeah, it was a pretty big inspiration, but I like to think I diverged enough by having Daisy be a psychologist of sorts rather than an organised criminal.

I'm really glad you enjoyed it as much as you did!

>Trixie being Celestia's daughter, however, was just too big a jump in logic. Like, really, what? Why is that even there?
It was meant to be one of the things Nightmare Moon uses to torture Trixie, and honestly it is going to come into play more as I expand it. Ultimately, it is the greatest Checkov's Gun I have in this as to the resolution, at least in a way. Besides, distorting headcanon is fun.

>>90970
>The lack of resolution for Daisy was intentional. I'm rather a fan of stories that feel like they're part of something big and unexplained, which I understand aren't to everyone's taste.
I am as well, but you have to give us something that has resolved, even if it is just her watching Dash walk out happily. If you had something like that, the ending would be beautiful.

>yo check it: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2012/03/fic-write-off-round-2.html

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>>90847
Second part!

A Game of Twits
>her first defeat at Twilight’s hands
>that much money on hand
>Twilight, on the other hand, was furiously scribbling notes. She raised her hand.
>Fluttershy could see Mr. Cake mentally process the information. He counted on his fingers,
Someone needs to write moar pone.

Cute story. Don't have very much to say about it, I'm afraid. I'm not sure what the double-edged sword was. Twilight seemed rather out of character with that outburst near the beginning---not that she wouldn't have an outburst, but I just think that it would be different and I didn't really get how "RARITY AM I BEAUTIFUL?" was supposed to fit into anything.


Shadows
If there's one fanfic plot I'm sick of, it's "what happens to Trixie after Boast Busters". That said, you get props for only having a small reference to the cliche that is "Trixie wants revenge on Twilight for ruining her life".

Like Echoes said in your FIMfic comments, this is a first chapter. It's all setup, which would be fine for a first chapter, but not for a finished story. Far as prompt relevance goes, your double-edged sword was introduced and discussed but not explored. I really feel that there needs to be more to this story, basically.

Celestia as Trixie's mother strains my disbelief a bit, but I can't say it ruined the fic for me.

Noticed a few misplaced commas here and there.


Sword, Hammer, Stallion
This is one of my favourites so far. Echoes definitely had a point about the disconnect between the tone of the show and the tone of this fic, but I can see seeds of how that might be intentional---ponies living on the border are more solemn and serious because they live dangerous lives and so the ponies in Ponyville/Canterlot/where-ever can be cheerful and care-free.

Good job with that section that leads the reader to believe Reveille died. I was mortified and then relieved.

The Uteon Game
Another fic with an obvious author. Some swapped around words and a few missing lines between paragraphs.

I find myself agreeing with Echoes's comments a lot in these reviews. I really enjoyed this story a lot, but it's sadly brought down by the Deus Ex Elements at the end. You really need to foreshadow this ability somewhere for it not to seem like a flank-pull. Maybe have the mane six summon some lesser objects, or manipulate reality with their friendship in some subtler way, I'm not sure.

I'm also a little confused about how introducing the other four to the game got Twi and AJ out of the maze. Maybe I missed something.

>Jacqueline Mercy Apple
Woah.
>Rainbow Elizabeth Dash
I've always prefered "Miriam"
>Fluttershy Thunderbolt Morningdew
lolshame

Overall, this is one of my favourites. Nicely done. I'm going to have to play The Binding of Isaac sometime.


A few general observations:
- My fic was about a dream. Piercing Octaves was about a game. The Ueton Game was about a dream that was a game. And both Pieonic and Shadows had subconscious/dream stuff in them. Neat how that happened.
- Pinkie got four fics, Twilight got four, Fluttershy got three, Rainbow got one, Applejack got one and poor Rarity didn't get any.
- Some very good stuff. I'm sure we'll be seeing a good few of these fics on EQD in the coming weeks.

>>90972
Hmm. Yeah, that probably would be a good idea. I think I'll do that after the competition.

>>90926
>>90847

My thanks for the comments.

I was really reluctant to think too hard about the prompt and came out with this clearly unoriginal idea instead, and it showed in the fic. I thought I already distanced myself enough from the Party of One episode to make this stand on its own, but it seems that wasn't enough. Oh well.

I guess I know who's the candidate for last place now, judging by the response. ^^

(Sorry, I don't really have time to do any reading this week, so I wish you guys all the best.)

I begin reading and adding my brief comments on FiMFic... now. I won't be holding back on any of these.

STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

>>91029
meh

An idea for judges if you persist on that course of selection Rodger: ask some prereaders if they could take a break from prereading to judge. If they agree, it will bring a certain credibility from the public and interest.

Okay, I read them all. Took me the better part of the day but I've left a comment on every story. Going to put my vote up here. If anypony has any counter-comments to the comments I put up, either reply here or on Fimfiction. I've commented on my own story and put up a fake vote here to maintain anonymity because Fimfiction wasn't letting guests comment earlier for some reason.

So here have some arbitrary numerical values:
A Case of You: 8/10
A Game of Twits: 8/10
A True Magician: 7/10
Benefits and Consequences: 5/10
Call Me, Call Me: 7/10
Correspondence: 7/10
Creepy Doll from Down the Lane: 9/10
FLaSHBA-CK: 8/10
For the Love of All: 5/10
Harmony: 6/10
I Dream of Daisies: 9/10
Minotamed: 7/10
Pieonic: 7/10
Piercing Octaves: 6/10
Pinkie Pie Learns About Double Edged Swords: 8/10
Pinkie's Panic: 7/10
Shadows: 5/10
Sword, Hammer, Stallion: 10/10
Ueton Game: 9/10

Bear in mind I base these votes more on plot and characterisation than proper grammar despite pointing out any I noticed. I think the stories, as a whole, were a lot better than last time so congratulations to everypony.

STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

>>90847
>>90926
>>91079
>>91029
I love the varied opinions so far - one finds the journals boring, the other finds them more interesting than the notes - but I agree with the criticism. Mine is definitely one of the weakest, though I'm glad I could bounce the idea off in here.

There is actually no plot, simply a sequence of events through blurred lens. Flutter's diary was a big worry for me, because I wasn't sure how much was too many was the limit. Then events happened, and the idea of Fluttershy wanting to continue jotting down things in such a high-stress situation was unacceptable, hence the jump to Brickbreak, White Wing's dad. While I liked how he turned out as a character, using the tell-heavy notes felt too cumbersome for me to stand, and I was running out of juice, hence the shoddy latter half.

Just to clarify, though,
>I feel like this was only written because a journal-format piece won last time
Nah. It was written this way because I had no other ideas left.

>Then her kindness got infectious
Sharing kindness, it's an easy feat
and magic makes it all complete

Thanks for the feedback so far!

>>90926
Thanks. It was literally a spur of the moment idea. I really could have planned it better but Mass Effect 3 stole my weekend. I only used the Pinkamena sign off once but you're right. It didn't really apply there, I don't know what I was thinking. Well I do, I wanted that one addressed to Isabelle to tell it was serious but then the letter degenerated into Pinkie ranting and the super serious signoff was pointless.

>>91029
Uhh... Thanks for reading. Care to elaborate? I'm glad you liked the idea, what exactly was off with the execution? Was it the fact it wasn't a true letter format? Or was it bad grammar? Was it not emotional enough?

I still have to go through Pinkie's Panic again, but I thought I might offer some thoughts to the critiques of my story.

>If there's one fanfic plot I'm sick of, it's "what happens to Trixie after Boast Busters". That said, you get props for only having a small reference to the cliche that is "Trixie wants revenge on Twilight for ruining her life".
>It was okay, nothing new. I mean this idea's been done to death really, even I've written something like this.
>Yet another "Trixie after Ponyville" story
Yes, it is cliche, but I tried to give an original spin. I'll address this more in a minute.

>this is a first chapter. It's all setup, which would be fine for a first chapter, but not for a finished story.
>This is a chapter one rather than a full story.
>Plus this suffers from first chapter syndrome. All fics should really be one-offs in this competition.
>a story that feels at best incomplete
I have long since acknowledged that time constraints forced me to cut this off, and I deeply regret it. I hope it has potential, because the expansion I envisioned takes a different path from most of the Trixie-after-Ponyville stories.

>Trixie being Celestia's daughter
>Just you completely destroyed all Trixie head-canon with that ridiculous back story. Celestia's child, really? I mean who in their right minds.
>Also, Trixie is Princess Celestia's daughter. What.
>Trixie being Celestia's daughter, however, was just too big a jump in logic. Like, really, what? Why is that even there?
This is an interesting criticism. Technically, there is no canon to disprove it, but I understand that it messes with peoples' headcanon. I wanted it to help characterize her, and why she acts like she does and has to be the best, but apparently I failed in that. Additionally, Nightmare Moon using it to torture her seemed brilliant. Ultimately, it was supposed to come into play later in the story.

So, to sum up the criticisms succinctly.
>cliche
>incomplete
>Trixie is Celestia's daughter

The first is really due to my plot structure (how else do I get her into the Everfree and around the castle?). The second is my most annoying flaw with it myself, and I intend to fix this. The last is a facet of the story I actually really like. I think it sets it apart, if stretches the suspension of disbelief, and is a technically valid interpretation of canon.

I just finished reading them all, and on the whole I'm impressed. Perhaps it was timing, perhaps it was the allotted time for writing, but these are far better than the last batch.

Well done, all!

>>91095

Thanks, although I saw you really didn't seem to care much for my fic. Is there anything you would suggest for making it more interesting when I revise it?

>>91106
It was too static for my tastes. What spurs his remembrance of her? What event sets him to reminiscing? Does his resolve or his character change at all at the end of the story?

In short: what is the point of this story?

Your story just sort of felt like filler in a longer work. Not much happened other than a character study, and that's fine, but having more happen in his present could help readers get more interested in him.

>"Gerundville", huh? Really? Really?
I take no responsibility for any aneurysms that name might have caused. :P

I was actually thinking of someone when I wrote this, and this name popped into my head.

>there were a number of errors that made reading this somewhat irritating at times.
Yes. Looking back, I suppose I could have polished this up better. :s

>I enjoyed this, only Pinkie could take that term seriously. Good call overall in fact.
Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.

If I get the time, I'd probably flesh it out more to prevent inevitable comparisons with Party of One.

The following is not an excuse or a justification for anything, just a note.

You already know what happens next. Consider the events of the episode with the knowledge you now have. Draw interesting new conclusions.

>>91108

Well...I would try to defend my work, but honestly it would be pointless; even if I have a good idea of why those things happened (and I could indeed answer every one of the questions you proposed), if it doesn't come through in the story then nothing I say matters. Besides, it's not like I should actually try to defend or clarify my work or anything while the contest is going on. If it has problems, it has problems, and no defending until the end.

I guess that's something I can fix in revision, maybe. I don't know.

>>91109

I think someone has it in for me.

If anypony hasn't read my story and don't wish for plot discussion until after they've read it, feel free to skip this monstrosity.

>>91095
Thank you for the feedback!

>Ending being unsatisfactory
I'm assuming that was the biggest flaw you cared to mention, not that it was the only thing wrong with it?

Anyway, the reason the ending feels like an afterthought is because, well, it was. The story idea came to me Saturday afternoon, and I didn't even begin writing until less than 24 hours from the deadline. I basically went from "Yay I'm typing a story about ponies," to "Oh gods how do I resolve this I have a few hours left and no idea where I want the story to go ohgodohgodohgod." I really just went with the first thing that popped into my head. I knew that I wanted Twilight to be the one to help her, because, in my mind, she went through the same thing. I just didn't know how to get there and ended up half-assing it, which made the story suffer. I think my worst idea was omitting the research scenes. I actually wanted Pinkie to spend several days working with Twilight and slowly coming to realize that Twilight is somepony she could trust, then confide in her about the panic attack and her feelings.

I'm pretty comfortable with coming up with story ideas and writing out everything up to whatever point I come up with, I just don't have much practice writing satisfactory conclusions. My ideas almost never make it that far before I either throw it out because I realize it's horrible or get distracted by shinier plot bunnies. I think one of these days I'm going to come up with several different scenarios and write out the final scenes or something like that.

>To 108Echoes
I had the sneaking suspicion that I didn't do the greatest at getting to Pinkie's breakdown. I think it's due to my rustiness at working with a third person narrator, as almost all of my stories have been in first person. I usually don't have an issue with not spending enough time letting the reader feel the build up for a character doing something, but I guess I just choked. That, and my well of ideas as to what all would lead up to her breakdown kind of ran dry as worry about the deadline grew.

For the prompt connection, I thought I had Twilight just outright say it, but I guess even that didn't work. I did mean for it to be that Twilight went through a double-edged sword by way of her love for studying, and Pinkie is going through a double-edged sword by way of spreading herself out between everypony and never really getting very close to any of her friends.

As a final note, the ending is actually not meant to be Pinkie and Twilight shipping. I just wanted to close with a simple display of affection...

sage because double post? By the time I finish typing, I doubt it will be though.

>>90938
Aw snap. Alright then, I'll totally dig through yours in the meantime.

First I wanted to start off by saying that don't let the people complaining about "oooh, it's Trixie again" discourage you from anything. From a much larger viewpoint, everything's been done to death already in countless ways. The whole reason we have archetypes is that things have occurred so often that we've went and gave it a name when something really similar happens in different plots. People started writing a whole bunch of Trixie fics because she was a glimpse into a larger character, and she played off a few personalities we've seen before. People got all excited thinking about where she came from, why she did everything she did, and where she would go after the fiasco. I could just as easily go "Oh god, I wrote another story about Pinkie. We have so many of those!" because we do. It's all about putting your own personal interpretation of the characters into the story and telling it in a way that other people can enjoy hearing your ideas.

So, getting off that tangent and on to your story, the spin you've put onto Trixie is really bold. Having her be the Princess' daughter is something I've honestly never seen before. It gave some interesting things to think about. Did she know about Twilight beforehand, and went to Ponyville with the intention of proving to herself and to Twilight that she was better suited for Celestia's affection? Was Twilight really the worst thing that had happened to Trixie, or was there some deep scarring conflict between her and Celestia that resulted in her leaving the royal life? I like that you've taken this new direction for Trixie, but you don't do much with it. You show us that Trixie is greatly shaken by Nightmare Moon's scene, but why? Why does Trixie care so much about proving herself? Why should she drive herself to the ends of Equestria performing magic tricks when she could just as easily redeem herself in the eyes of and reconcile with Celestia?

You then work in a scene about Trixie's fiancé. I thought that, going into this scene, you would shed some light on some things about Trixie's lineage, but it raised more questions on its own; especially with the use of Moondancer. I can understand that you'd want to use a pony that we would be able to recognize but still have no headcanon formed about so you could morph her personality into whatever you wanted to fit with Trixie. However, we don't really know why Trixie would save her friend over her lover.

The story itself is pretty good, and I would enjoy seeing how Twilight is challenged by things. The only thing I don't like about stuff involving Nightmare Moon is that the Elements of Harmony are the canonical de facto solution to everything. I can enjoy the ride, and I can think of a few ways you could keep the elements away for a while and be entertaining and interesting, but I know that sooner or later the elements show up and their power saves the day. Your story seems to be lacking a solution though; it's as the other reviewers have stated, you've gone and set up a very good first part or chapter to a story, but in the scope of this competition, you need to aim for a short, complete story. That's probably the biggest flaw with your story; it isn't a complete one. I'd be interested in knowing where the story would go after Trixie leaves the castle, but the castle scene on its own doesn't make for a very good stand alone tale.

I can see that you were going for the double-edged sword coming through in that Trixie's efforts to prove herself to Celestia are are only making things worse and leading Trixie towards being forsaken, but I'm not sure too many others are going to be able to pick up on your meaning. That's merely my guess, so feel free to tell me I'm wrong, but that's what I get after listening to Nightmare Moon's explanation about why they are alike, and the two torture scenes. Again, it comes back to your story not being complete. Normally, the double-edged sword connection can be understood through what problems arise, how they affect the character, and how everything is resolved. In yours, we're left trying to piece together the whole puzzle without all of the pieces. You aren't a bad writer by any means; you did a good job keeping the overall feel of Trixie while injecting your ideas, and your grammatical errors are not very distracting from the story. I just think that the idea you've gotten laid out in this fic isn't something that you could finish off in one short story. I feel like this is something that could potentially take five parts or more to get through.

Overall, it was an interesting first part, but it wasn't something that can stand on its own. It raises too many questions that don't get answered, and there's no ultimate conclusion. Yet, you have an interesting premise for Trixie's character, and the plot seems like something you could do interesting things with.

I think that's about it. If you have any questions or have something else you want me to talk about, feel free to say so. Any of the other entrants, if you consider my opinions worth listening to, feel free to ask my thoughts on your stories as well.

These were just my thoughts reading them, I'm not a very good reviewer and I kind of suck at this, so please keep that in mind...

A Game of Twits:
I really enjoyed this just because it was so much like the show itself. It was predictable, and I knew it would be Luna almost as soon as the Queen character was introduced, but that still didn't stop me from feeling a little surprised I was right and then feeling all smug about it afterwards. I liked way you wrote Fluttershy and Twilight, they were perfectly in character and generally the characters were probably the piece's strongest area. I also really enjoyed the way you did the chess matches themselves, and it was also a funny coincidence because I'm reading through a series of short stories by Kurt Vonnegut right now and I'd just read one about chess called 'All The King's Horses'. (Although it's... pretty different in almost every other respect...)
But yeah, I really enjoyed it, and I'm not just saying that.

A True Magician:
Okay, so it doesn't win many points for originality; it is a theme that's been done before. But, I think that this is one of the better sad Trixie stories I've read, and it did actually make me feel sad, which is great. The beginning felt a little shaky and wasn't a great hook, but it definitely recovered afterwards and it did leave me feeling emotional. Okay, so maybe I'm easily manipulated and sadfics pretty much always get me, but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it! And really, that's the purpose of fanfiction in general, right?

Benefits and Consequences:
This was a longer piece, so I didn't really think that much about the typos and slips, but there were enough to significantly distract me. Otherwise, some of the dialogue felt a little flat and I kind of expected what was going to happen, but it was still pretty fun to read. Spike's illness was an effective hook, at least for me, but when it was solved so easily I knew how the rest of the story was going to go down. Also, the way you actually slipped 'Double-edged sword' into the dialogue just to make it clear that you were following the prompt felt like you were worrying too much that your story didn't make it clear enough, and that threw me off a bit. Even though I have a lot to say, I did enjoy reading it, and I never felt like skipping onwards throughout the entire thing, so it's just a few little problems that I get the feeling arose out of the time constraints.

Call Me, Call me:
This made me sad too... If I had to choose which made me sadder, the previous Trixie one or this, I don't think I could decide. The use of imagery connected to the scrapbook was genius, and I really liked the way you described his travels all of Equestria. Damn, I don't have much criticism to say on this one, it was very, very good.

Correspondence:
Funny, I was reading about epistolary novels a few days ago. I really liked this, probably because I like the idea of Inky/Pinkie being relatives and stuff, and also because I had never thought of the Gala incident like that. It was really fun to read, especially since I knew that Pinkie was never going to be able to attend any of Inky's things. It took me a while to realize what the italic sections were, but it was fun when I did finally realize so that was good. However, there were quite a few syntax errors and things which I'm guessing came from the time constraints and some of the letters sounded quite OOC, which did detract me a little. I still had a lot of fun reading it though, good job!

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane:
Damn. Very, very good, almost slow-clap territory if it hadn't had a few little problems:
-Lyra took it really easy at the start, didn't she? Especially when the doll was talking, I imagined she would be crying and screaming: 'Whoever's doing this, this is a horrible prank and you're a horrible pony!'
-The title made me think this was going to be a comedy, so I came into it with the wrong mood. I'm guessing you're referencing Jonathan Coulton's 'Creepy Doll'? Still, even with the title I was listening to 'Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space' by Spiritualized, and that made me feel very sad :(
-Ending was a little bit strange, not how I'd thought it would go.
But anyway, that was very, very good. I'm an LyraBon enthusiast so I guess I'm the perfect reader for this, but still, this really made me feel. Awesome. Thank you.

FLaSHBA-CK:
Awesome. Nice break from the emotional ones that have been toying with my heart for the last few hours. I like the idea a lot, and I really love Colgate's character; she felt like some thought had actually been put into her to make her unique. I didn't like the way you made your characters say 'double-edged sword' because as I said in Benefits and Consequences, it feels like you're not confident enough in your own abilities or your readers' intelligence to figure out which part of your story fits the prompt. Other than that, there were a few weird sentences and typos which were obviously accidental and a result of the time constraints. Overall, very fun to read and refreshingly lighthearted!

For the Love of All:
Slow clap.
Amazing concept, great execution, fantastic world-building, completely original and to top it all off, it was a thumping great read.
My only complaint is that you're changed my Fluttershy headcannon against my will, so subconsciously I'm always going to be thinking about this story whenever I write Fluttershy from now on. I hate you. And I love you. (KIND OF LIKE A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD C WUT I DID THAR?)

Harmony:
I liked this because it didn't really tell a story- It was more of an explanation of a concept through a narrative, with a little bit of sister relationship exploration mixed in there. (What a mouthful) This was a really interesting and unique take, and I liked the ending very much. Not much else I can say, other than you get lots of point for originality. Very interesting, I'll be mulling this one over for a long time, I think.

I Dream of Daisies:
First off... You needed to go deeper.
I'm sorry, you can track me down and slay me now, I couldn't resist. But really, this was an amazing story which had me hooked until the very end. I would happily read a novel-length fic on Daisy Dreams, it was so good. It definitely achieved the Inception-vibe, although I'm not sure if that's simply because anything to do with dreams I now measure up to that film. (In my humble opinion, it's a modern masterpiece.) It really was great fun to read, and it didn't feel rushed or forced at all. I can see a lot of care and effort went into this, it really shows. I think... this might be my favorite so far.(Although it's very hard to decide! You guys are all so good!)

Minotamed:
Cool! I really liked the motto and it git the prompt like a glove! I've only seen three of the first episodes of season two so far though, so I'm afraid the Iron Will character was completely new to me. Great take on the prompt, fun concept, well executed! No big complaints, either!

Pieonic:
I hope I wasn't the only one who changed Pinkie's voice into Morpheus' when she spoke the reference! After that, I started saying things like 'there is no bowling-ball' to myself and I felt very silly. (I also said 'we're in the loading program' when Twilight asked where she was...)
I found myself thinking that Twilight and Pinkie felt OOC sometimes, but then Pinkie was deliberate so it's not that much of a problem. There were a few simple mistakes but I guess that was the time restraints again. 'The cost of her humanity' was probably the most jarring one, along with it's/its confusion and un-capitalized I's. The idea was very cool, and the resolution was awesome, but it felt like it just needed a little more polish and fleshing-out to hit the 'amazing' mark. (The important thing is that it definitely has the potential to.) The party ending felt like a little add-on which really didn't serve much purpose without being fleshed-out more, but this was still really great! Good job!

Piercing Octaves:
At the beginning, I kept thinking of Tron: Legacy and Spy Kids 3 (What is it with all these movies today!?) and that wasn't a bad thing. But Scratch playing a keytar? Really? I was expecting a PaceMaker! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRZEmdt-K9E) or at least a Teenage Engineering OP-1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkQ5rEJaTmk&ob=av2e)! (I'm just kidding, I know they'd needlessly over-complicate things.)
The concept was either awesomely original or copied. I'm going to go with the first, but the Micheal Bay reference made me think that you just watched The Island and twisted the plot a little. It even copies the film's confusing-ness at the start, which if you thought of yourself deserves mad props. Frederick felt OOC from my headcannon but hey, that's my headcannon. Also the use of 'bloody' made me read their voices in English and Australian accents. Apart from all that, the pacing was great, it was executed well and it was a gripping read!

Pinkie Learns About Double-Edged Swords:
Cute! If there was an episode which was made to fit the prompt, I'm sure it would go like this. You hit the nail on the head with characterization, and the only complaint I have was that some of the transitions felt too abrupt, but that was probably just due to the time constraints. Other than that, I have nothing much else to say, it was fun to read!

Pinkie's Panic:
Interesting. It's an interesting take on a very well-explored theme. I did find myself thinking that some of it was strange though. The mane six were chosen as Elements of Harmony because of their amazingly strong bond of friendship, why would Pinkie be longing for an even closer friend? It felt like you were trying to allude to Pinkie being in need of someone to have a romantic relationship with, but the ending didn't really show this. In the end the story left me with the message: 'The others aren't good enough friends with Pinkie and now she has a proper friend,' which I found hard to swallow. I think this would have been much more effective as a soft shipping story. Otherwise some of the sentences were kind of awkward, but overall it was solid in construction. Just the purpose didn't feel very clearly thought-out. Still a very strong entry, though!

Shadows:
Damn! This was the biggest tease ever. It's like a proposition for a story, and the story being proposed is a very, very cool idea. Trixie being Celestia's offspring did throw me off a little though, at first I thought it might be a fantasy. There were a few errors here and there that I guess were because you didn't get enough time to proofread. Otherwise this was really interesting, and would serve as a great hook for a much longer novel! Awesome!

Sword, Hammer, Stallion:
God.
Damn.
Flawless victory. Damn. I'm really speechless. That was fantastic. Not only does it follow the prompt to a tee, it left me with a touching message. It might have even changed my opinion on armed forces a little, that's how much this touched me. (I'm still going to call the CCF murder club, though.) But seriously, that was crazy good. The bit where he's having fun with his wooden sword on the hill gave me Zelda: TWW flashbacks and damn, nostalgia'd so hard. I really have no complaints with this, I'll leave that to someone who can actually critique properly... but wow. Amazing. This... just toppled Daisies for my personal first place. Amazing.

The Ueton Game:
Interesting. Very original idea, and the execution was pretty good. My only problem was that it all felt very sudden, probably because of the time constraints. We suddenly find out the Twilight has been playing this crazy game for x years and Applejack needs to play it too. It also felt weird that Applejack didn't get more pissed with Twilight... I mean, up until they formulate a proper plan to beat the game, surely from where she is it looks like she's stuck, and is probably going to die because of it? It also felt kind of comedic at times, like when Applejack was collecting things and they would just disappear, (again, Zelda flashbacks) which didn't really have to happen. Basically, the idea was a little too ambitious to finish in a weekend. I think that if it was a little longer and took its time building things up, it would be really great. Right now it's still pretty awesome, it's just I feel there's a lot of wasted potential. It was also weird how the game changed from organized dungeon thingies to an open field when they all went in, because it just felt like you ran out of time and had to resolve it quickly instead of having them defeat more dungeons together. Overall it was still great, and a strong contender, but could have been even greater.

I want to thank everyone who participated in any way, this really helped me fight my writers' block. It was a very last-minute thing for me, I had an idea in my head for something that I had wanted to write for some time, and since it kind of fit the prompt, I went ahead with it. I haven't been able to write much for a long time, mainly just because of motivation issues, but this really helped.

I had lots of fun reading every single story, and they were all great. I don't think anyone who entered shouldn't feel proud of their work, every single one of these are commendable. Of course, some are better than the others, but they're all at a very high-standard to begin with. I'm already looking forward to the next one: next time I'll actually prepare and allocate some time to it proper!

It's been an honor, mentlegen!

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>>91170

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. You don't think it was too manipulative, do you? Emotionally, I mean.

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>>91198
Oh, don't worry, I love being manipulated like dough. I'm weird like that.
Why do you think I write about suicidal, alcoholic ponies?

>>91170
I guess I just never thought about the Elements that way. To me, the reason these six ponies are the Elements is that they embody a certain aspect that friends should value, and together they're strong. However, I haven't gotten the feeling that any of the six are very close to each other on a personal level. At least, none of them have been comfortable discussing their issues. Applejack even abandoned them because she thought they wouldn't understand, and only told them the truth when they discovered she was lying about it. Sure, they're great friends, but from everything I've gathered watching the show, they aren't as close as the friendship I'm trying to say that Pinkie's missing. That's another thing that I know I need to show, how Pinkie interacts with everypony in town and how she interacts with her six closer friends. I believe she holds them in higher regard than the rest of the ponies she knows, but none of them have the same level of relationship that, say, Twilight shares with Spike. Perhaps the show is heading in that direction, and maybe that's the only way they can truly live up to their potential as the Elements, but as of now, they just don't seem that close to me.

>>90840
No rush?! What are you talking about, man? A week! A mere! Single! Week!
>>90876

>Pinkie's Panic - more in depth
I can't go full on analysis like I have to do for published novels, but that is only due to a lack of time to really sit down and break this down (usually takes several hours).

So, going through it I'm going to point out some certain things.

- I understand that you don't see their friendships in this way, but that should be better shown in the story. Not much to elaborate on here. Explain in story so you don't have to in comments. Makes sense no?
- Dialogue modification is lacking in parts. It helps show me what the characters are feeling. People (and by extension ponies) don't speak in flat tones, so don't have them speak like Vulcans.
- Expansion. I know I'm not exactly the one to talk about this, but several bit should be expanded here. Especially her interactions with her friends, since that is the crux of the idea, and is so inadequately explored.
- Why no Rainbow Dash? She is probably the pony Pinkie is closest to, so why not use that to show how close they really are? It would ramp up the effectiveness of the whole "Yeah they're friends, but not actually that close" idea.

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>>91278
I don't mind, anything is still useful!

I hadn't realized the dialogue is off, but now that I'm looking at it again, I see what you mean. I'll be able to fix those parts up either by eliminating them or altering them when I revisit this story. I also agree about Dash, I just hadn't any idea at the time how to work her in. I'm thinking that I should have had Pinkie feeling out of touch with everypony over the course of two or three days, in order to show more effectively that she doesn't feel very close to them.

I think I had some other things I was going to say but I forgot what they were... Thank you for your time!

>>91271

Was there something I said that made you want to pick me first? Nevertheless, you found a good number of errors that people here will no doubt ridicule me for, since I ought to know better. I'd like to know whether or not you like it though, grammar corrections only do so much for me. But, you were nice enough to give a review of sorts, so I might as well respond.

>Man, you're not suppose to capitalize "the" when it precedes the Black Queen's name. Unless you're Ezn, you nonconformist.

The general implication I was trying to give was that it was a title, not a character name. The Rolling Stones is a good example of how "The" is capitalized for being part of a title. It's generally unruly, and I probably should have cut it.

>The f1bishop? The g1 knight? Make up your mind -- do the names have spaces, or do they not have them?

Technically they shouldn't, but in subsequent revisions they will for the sake of being easier to read.

>And does "How-to-Read" really need to be hyphenated?

Probably not, but it's the title of the genre, so I'll roll with it.

>Now, don't be mocking Apple Bloom's accent. Y'all have, not has

I've lived in the south too long, as it seems.

>Accrued a tab of five hundred bits' worth of back-pay and made small fillies cry.

This is pretty much the only piece of advice that I have issues with. The part about "bits'" is correct, yet the "of" was omitted purposely. People do talk like that. I'm not sure why you recommended another "and" because it's pretty obvious that she's making a list.

>Cannon.

Goddammit.

>Laughable! The word you want is "genteel", my good man.

I thought of numerous jokes to make about this particular slip-up, but couldn't find anything that wouldn't come across as anti-Semitic.

The word is technically correct in its usage meaning "pagan" [spoiler] but you're right that's not what I intended. Still, I might just leave it in there just for giggles.

>Most, rather than least, and follow "precent" with the word "likely".

Nope, I meant what I said. >23% Your advice changes the meaning.

>I'd opt for "include" instead of "contain".

Not sure why. Seems like a pointless word swap. I guess you just didn't like the dual "con" words, but I rather like the sound.

>>91308
>The general implication I was trying to give was that it was a title, not a character name. The Rolling Stones is a good example of how "The" is capitalized for being part of a title. It's generally unruly, and I probably should have cut it.
Generally, I find that it is capitalized if it is part of the name/title. It isn't The Eiffel Tower, but it is The Rolling Stones because it is part of the band name. The question is do you want the "The" to be part of her pseudonym.

>>91308
Not a pointless word swap, but an important meaning thing. Something contains its contents - unless a container is full of smaller containers, its contents cannot themselves contain things.

>>91309
Which is what I told >>91271 when last this came up. =P

>>91311

>Not a pointless word swap, but an important meaning thing. Something contains its contents - unless a container is full of smaller containers, its contents cannot themselves contain things.

An upstairs area contains a subsection of rooms. Multiple rooms may invariably contain the described characters.

Contents:
a.
something that is contained: the contents of a box.

Contain:
a. to hold or include within its volume or area: This glass contains water. This paddock contains our best horses.

The subject is the upstairs area, the contents of the upstairs (i.e. the rooms) contain the characters. Arguably, the "contents" section could be omitted entirely, but I'm perfectly willing to argue over the semantics with you.

>>91313
Eh, fair enough. I can admit when I'm wrong. I'm mainly against the phrase because I don't like how it sounds.

STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

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Everyone else threw in their input concerning their thoughts and feelings while reading the stories, so I thought that I'd do the same too. I read all of the stories before but since it's been nearly a week since then, I had to reread them again in order to formulate an idea of what I wanted to say. Although I remembered the basic gist of many of the stories, I ended up forgetting many of them. Sowwies.

I did find that many of the entries were a step up from the last write-off, and I'm glad to have read these write-off entries. Even if I didn't remember them 100%, they're a part of me now and I can always call back on them in times of need. Here we go! They won't all fit, so I'll just make sporadic posts throughout the day.

A CASE OF THOU

So Berry is telling a story to the barmare where she's telling a story to Pinkie Pie. Storytellception?

Reading through this story, this is definitely a sadfic. A story of love and of loss. Was this the kind of love you wanted? Would you rather be loved, even if it was a lie? Considering what happens in the end, won't the end result be the same anyway? Won't Fluttershy be sad and end up blaming herself? I don't see how killing herself now would be much different than doing it later on accident (due to her dependence on it apparently) The ending was a bit of a shock and very sad. How dare you!

Normally her fanon interpretation is of a happy drunk, but here, she drinks because of something that happened in the past, hence the reason why many alcohols drink. I'm glad that you gave hints as to what that was, but did not outright tell us. Many times, stories give you the reasons for why something happened and readers might go "That's a stupid reason." I agree with the other guy that what matters now is the present, not the past, so over-explaining the backstory would have been a bad thing.

This story was very sad in the way that one wonders if they love someone enough, would it still be worth it if it was forced?

I've never seen a Berry Punch x Fluttershy ship before, so it was kind of interesting. I did find it weird that Fluttershy would be in a bar but that's just my headcanon.

From the way the barmare talked, I thought she was in love with Berry. Which sounds like a slap to the face to her because during the flashback, Berry didn't feel loved when the barmare tried to cheer her up, but she did by Fluttershy? Why is that? If I had to guess, it's the line where she smells like freshly baked bread, which is probably something related to her sister.

I wish I knew why she was crying or drank so much in the first place but due to the ending, I'm inclined to believe it has something to do with her sister. Perhaps Berry feels regret over something that happened, so she blames herself. Drinking alcohol is simply a coping mechanism.

As far as I can tell, she comes back to the bar because she didn't want Fluttershy's love if it was forced, as per her nature, then the flashback/telling her story to the barmare happened, and then finally ending with her death.

I thought the perspective shift was jarring as well but I do see the reason behind it. Since that part of the story was actually a flashback (I didn't realize this until rereading the story a second time), that explains why she started talking about herself. Of course, since the story started from the point of view of the barmare, that's why everyone has a problem with the jarring shift, because at the end, we start slipping into Berry Punch's mind (After Berry finished her story). The first time I read this story, I totally missed the perspective shift. Derp on me. I didn't notice until I read the second time and was actively looking for stuff to comment about.

More notes: It also seems rather coincidental for her to get drunk, tell a story, and immediately die right after she finishes. For some reason, I can't take a story as seriously anymore when I see the words "clop" and "clopping" in it. Because of the connotation that the fandom has given it, it makes me think of something else and brings me out of the story. But that's not your fault. Just wanted to let you know because some reader's minds might jump to something else. (Curse my dirty mind!)

Few quick questions:

In the beginning of the story, it says that Berry hasn't been at the bar for a long time. But it looks like Berry only skipped one day and then went to the hospital. Right after she got out, she went straight home. Does this mean that "a long time" was only three days? If her body needed alcohol, why didn't she feel anything until Fluttershy pointed it out to her? Was Berry mistaking her feelings of love for addiction symptoms or something?

When Pinkie Pie is talking with Berry, Berry mentions that Fluttershy came with her friends. So why doesn't Pinkie remember Berry talking with Fluttershy? Was she not there or did Pinkie overlook it? If Pinkie has a good enough memory to befriend every single pony in Ponyville as well as remember their birthdays, I think that she'd remember this too, but that's just my headcanon. I wonder why her friends went to the bar in the first place? Not that you should tell us obviously, but I'm just curious.

I feel like the relationship seems a bit rushed since they only met once, but I feel that way about many shipping stories. How can you fall in love with someone so easily? Is that all that love is? Are you sure you're not just confusing love with something else, like infatuation? I like it when shipping stories are stretched out a bit, when it actually takes time for the relationship to develop. Of course, I'm not sure how that would have worked here due to the time limit and the fact that Berry already had a time limit and wouldn't have had enough time to explain before she passed away. Even if she did, then what? She didn't change the way she kept drinking for Fluttershy, so it obviously wasn't a big enough motivator for change. It seems less than "love" and more like a crush simply because someone reached out to her because they care enough. Which brings it back to the barmare, she tried to comfort Berry but it didn't seem like Berry even cared. Heart, why must you make us fall in love with people who don't like us yet not for those that actually care?

Anyhoo, I'm not sure where I'm even going with this, I just like talking about things. I did enjoy reading this story though, even if it made me teary-eyed.

A GAME OF TWITS

I'd go ahead and say that "A Game of Twits" would be tagged with comedy. I loved how the story was set-up to make you think that Twilight and Fluttershy would get 2nd and 3rd because of the bill and the prize for bits, but then end up completely different anyway. Whether that was because you ran out of time and had to rush the ending or if it was planned ahead (I know it wasn't). I'm not sure what the word is exactly, but it's when you think someone is going to happen, but then something different and unexpected does (Que M. Night Shamalyan's Tweest).

I thought Twilight's random line of "Am I beautiful" was funny as well as the entire scene with Twilight playing chess with the fillies. When one of them randomly started crying, it was like "What?" Then you realize how daaww inducing it was due to the mental imagery. I thought this story was a good one-shot. I thought the jokes were funny, but then again, I laugh at most things unless they are really, really bad. Interesting premise too.

Just by reading through, you can tell the author had a lot of knowledge about chess. There's no one you'd know this stuff unless you did a lot of reading up or studying if you didn't already know it. Considering we had a time limit, I believed it was because they already knew it beforehand. The use in the story seemed simplified enough, probably intentional as not to bog down the readers with tons of terms they don't understand.

For some reason, I thought the Black Queen would be Celestia just to spite the readers in a twist, but when she started talking, I immediately thought of Luna. It was pretty hilarious how Pinkie immediately knew who Luna was but the other two (Twilight and Fluttershy) didn't.

I'm glad that you didn't try to pull a fast one and make the Black Queen lose. Many stories love to make the heroes win everything but it's not realistic for that to happen. (Yea, I know it's a cartoon).

I mean that people that just started playing can improve but there's no way they can win unless the person they're playing against wasn't taking them seriously. But that has nothing to do with the story, so I digress.

Interesting twist making them play each other, thus throwing a fork into their earlier plans of hitting 2nd and 3rd. I'm glad you decided not to write out the last game because the whole point of the story was to have fun, not to win. Telling us who the winner was would have undermined that.

As a last note: Twilight would totally be a chess player, especially with all of the books she probably has on them.

Anyhoo, looking forward to reading another story from you someday, if you ever choose to write one. This was one of my favorites.

A TRUE MAGICIAN

A True Magician is about someone that runs through their life, going through the motions, and wonders why they've chosen the life they did. But eventually, they find a bit of redemption in the end.

This story sounds like it could have happened before or after Boast Busters, I'm not really sure. I'm not quite sure if it's a sadfic or not. I can see the battle between her actions and her thoughts at least, but it sounds more like a "normal" tag would fit here. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I agree that the beginning didn't seem to be a great hook but I see where it was going later on in the story. The ending did feel a bit rushed in how she changed her mind but perhaps that's just me. Unfortunately, I'm left feeling that it's a bit too short somehow. I'm not sure why. I wish I knew how to explain.

I can understand how this Trixie is a bit different than the normal fanon interpretation of Trixie though. I'm not sure how to feel about Trixie thinking everyone else is stupid but I'm just going to pretend she only does that because she thought of herself as stupid (before she found out the truth). It sounds like she's beating herself up because she admired something and later found out it was a lie. She lost her faith but since she spend so much time perusing how to perform magic, she just went along with using it to her advantage. But despite how she feels, perhaps she's just rationalizing to herself and even though it's been many years later (I'm assuming), she's still berating herself for being gullible.

Even though there wasn't conflict with outside forces, having a force of will battle with herself can still be compelling. I'd like to read more. The resolution felt short, but that may have been due to time constraints. I know everyone dealt with that little issue themselves (time). If the story was longer and the conflict was stretched out, maybe I'd feel a bit more closure. I'm not quite sure what it is. Let me try to ask a few questions to see if I can clear something up. Is this really the first time somepony walked up to her as a fan? Did someone admire her before but she pushed away their complements because they were older? (Because apparently she changed her mind after seeing the young filly, but not all at once)

Also, at the ending, Trixie wakes up from a long night's sleep, dreams rush back to her, and then she goes right back to sleep?

I'm also a bit curious as to how this Trixie's personality would handle the aftermath of Boast Busters, but that's just me. Unless this isn't her backstory and it is the aftermath. There's nothing that confirms or denies which period of time it's in.

Let's see. If it was after Boast Busters, then is that why she suddenly thinks everyone is stupid? Because when forced to use real magic, she couldn't compete? When someone actually talented at magic appeared, she realized that her "magic" was nothing at all. If that was the case however, then Trixie didn't learn anything in Ponyville. She simply moved on and continued doing what she did before. Is that why she doubts herself or this was just an aftermath after finding out the truth in her past and she just held it for all these years?

I can't help but want to read another Trixie story now. Back before I came to Ponychan, I read a story called "Kindness's Reward." It was a beautiful story, but I read it before I knew any better. I'm afraid of going back, reading it, and finding out that it wasn't as amazing as I'd thought. Nostalgia and all that. That goes for many stories really.