Discuss fanfiction, get writing advice, or get your story reviewed

Search /fic/ threads

Name  
Email  
Subject  
Message  
File     
Password  (for post and file deletion)

File 133073772018.png - (528.45KB , 800x900 , doodle_rarity___and_more_by_gashi_gashi-d4jh345.png )
88413 No. 88413
#Event
Last Event: >>77900
Times, current list of participants, and accolades: http://goo.gl/kj9XZ

Hello and welcome to the second coming of our now-monthly, courtly writing derby, heretofore known as a “write-off” — an event where we, in a short time frame, pen stories from a prompt. The stories are submitted anonymously, and a winner is then chosen from public voting. The contest is open to all willing participants, provided you have the capacity to bring word to metaphorical paper.

How It’s Gonna Go Down
Contestants will write a story from a prompt given at the event’s onset — Friday 9th, at 20:00 Coordinated Universal Time. (“What does this time mean to me?” Never fear, Wolfram is here: http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=9%2F3+20%3A00+UTC.) Stories are due 20:00 UTC the following Monday, giving contestants 72 hours to finish their work. This is a strict deadline.

If you’d like to participate, simply drop your name below, and I’ll add you to the list.

Submission
Submissions should be emailed to “roger.dodger.pony@gmail.com”. Stories may be sent in any format desired so long as they can be opened with standard-issue software (e.g., .txt). Submissions will be posted to the fimfiction account http://www.fimfiction.net/user/fic+Write+off, so if you want formatting, it must be done with mark-up recognised by fimfiction’s story editor. Your submission email should include the title of your story and your name (and of course your story).

Prompt
Prompt suggestions will be taken one hour before the event commences. A prompt pool will be made from those of these which are considered most suitable from the competition. A prompt will then be randomly chosen from this pool to be the competition’s prompt. The beginning of the event will be signalled by my announcing of the chosen prompt.

Voting
Once the stories are collected into an anthology post on the aforementioned fimfiction account, a public polll will be given to allow everyone to rate the stories. Voters must read at least half of the stories submitted before casting a vote. After a week, five finalists will be chosen and sent to panel members to have the winners decided. If you would like to be a panel member, send an email to the previously mentioned address explaining why you should be a panel member. Panel members should be relatively well-known and reputable in the community and should not be participating in the event.

Well, I think that’s everything. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 88414
First. I'm in.
>> No. 88431
File 133074177517.jpg - (19.82KB , 629x443 , tower.jpg )
88431
>>88414

"Law #5: Thou shalt not say 'First' when making the first reply."

In any case, this looks pretty solid Roger. So I am to assume writers cannot have any outside help during the construction of their story, correct?
>> No. 88433
File 133074377669.png - (324.39KB , 800x600 , 3b09d41d4b2a69d2227ec4596ffc682b.png )
88433
Put me down as a tenative entrant. Might end up doing nothing, might actually jot something down. Only time will tell.
>> No. 88435
Oh shit son, I've been dreamin', I've been waitin'.

I'm so in this. :D
>> No. 88437
Interesting indeed. I'll have to hold onto my hat though.

Maybe when the prompt is released, I'll throw my hat into the ring.
>> No. 88442
File 133074941987.jpg - (168.57KB , 1600x1203 , 76057 - Nightmare_Moon artist zeiram0034 pose.jpg )
88442
Well, I promised I'd be in after the last one. So, I'm in, even if I have no time.
>> No. 88479
Definitely want to come back for round two, but not sure if I have the time. Sign me up I suppose, but I can't guarantee I'll produce anything.
>> No. 88490
I would consider myself enrolled, and only removed should I gain no ideas in the first few hours. Maybe I can do better than average this time. Yeah, improvement!
>> No. 88492
File 133076799714.jpg - (92.86KB , 1600x1054 , 100949 - artist julian95 fighting_is_magic insane mane6_com rage sphere twilight_sparkle.jpg )
88492
This was good fun. I'm in
>> No. 88494
I'm in.

Let's do this.
>> No. 88495
I have no clue how much time I'll have on the upcoming weekend, but it was fun last time, so I expect to have fun this time too; sign me up.
>> No. 88504
Alright yeah, let's do this.
>> No. 88514
File 133078786814.png - (80.42KB , 108x125 , 132411268999s.png )
88514
Count me in. Whether or not i produce something worth reading, well... we'll see. ;)

>pic is possible main character
>> No. 88538
Count me in
>> No. 88539
Brilliant, I've been training for this. Time to see if I've actually made any improvement whatsoever. Consider me in once more.

On another note I like what you've done with the rules. There seems to be some good compromises in there and 72 hours should be ample time compared to last time.
>> No. 88544
File 133080416519.jpg - (365.97KB , 1680x1050 , DJJesus.jpg )
88544
I'd like to give this a try; that weekend should be free enough. I may drop if I can't get any ideas from the prompt. For now, sign me up!

Picture unrelated.
>> No. 88582
I'm gonna take the plunge and say: I'm in.

Has no idea what he has just done
>> No. 88586
I'll give it a shot as well to make up for last time. Do or die time.
>> No. 88622
File 133083461481.png - (313.57KB , 900x827 , MzUVd.png )
88622
>>88431
If you were to send your story off to reviewers you'd be wasting valuable time. Yes, I'd rather you submit only your own work, but, just as well, I can't exactly stop you.

The only hard-and-fast rules of the event are: (1) you start writing only after the prompt is released; (2) you submit before the deadline; (3) your submission is open-able and contains a story, title, and author; (4) your story follows all posting guidelines of Ponychan; (5) your story uses the prompt to a reasonable and discernible degree; (6) your story is not submitted elsewhere until the event's conclusion.
>> No. 88659
>>88622

>reasonable and discernible degree

Clarification requested.
>> No. 88677
File 133085816737.png - (701.38KB , 1057x1600 , 141640 - artist NavitasErusSirus jarl rarity skyrim.png )
88677
>>88659
It's difficult to clarify when the prompt is yet to be determined. You should be fine as long as you stick the spirit of the event. It's there primarily to enforce rule (1). I doubt I'll end up disqualifying anybody based on their story not being "related enough to the prompt", but I will be having the finalists judged on prompt relevance.
>> No. 88679
Considering submission I have a tiny qeustion. A few days ago I reviewed a story in which bbcodes were present. If I recall correctly the author told me that those were for uploading to fimfiction. I have not made myself familiar with the posting protocol. So my qeustion do we incorporate those in our story? If we would use gdocs for example.
>> No. 88680
File 133086651076.jpg - (57.36KB , 944x846 , serious_style_by_pinkiesurprise-d4jqw6a_png.jpg )
88680
>>88679
When I take your submission it will be more-or-less me copy pasting it straight into fimfiction.

Last time I had a few people simply give me a GoogleDocs document (and even worse, one person gave me a .docx), and with these I simply took a quick skim through and gave their italics/bold text the appropriate mark-up. But be warned: If you submit like this, it's possible that I'd miss something. Make things easier for both of us and submit it as plain text. For best results, I'd suggest throwing your story in Fimfiction before submitting; stories don't appear anywhere until they're marked as published, so don't worry about losing anonymity.

The tags fimfiction support are:
[b]
[i]
[u]
[center]
[color]
[hr]
[img]
[url]

The latter two of which I highly suggest avoiding completely. [hr] is used to make horizontal lines for scene breaks, and does not require a closing tag. (If you choose to use custom type for a scene break, I'll probably substitute it for a [hr] for consistency.) Again, for best results, chuck it into fimfic and see for yourself how it looks.
>> No. 88681
Oh and, try to keep the submission to a single file. I'm reminded of a certain submission that came in about 8 different GoogleDocs links.
>> No. 88682
>>88680
Okay i shall bear this in mind thank you kindly
>> No. 88683
>>88680
FIMfiction does have a Google Docs importer that converts your formatting to BBcode. I think your doc just needs to be public for it to work.
>> No. 88684
>>88683
Avoid at all cost for now. It has the tendency to strip certain parts of your docs without warning.

Trying to piece together the missing pieces can actually be more time-consuming that just copy-pasting the whole thing and making the necessary formatting yourself.
>> No. 88686
File 133087354518.jpg - (2.74KB , 126x111 , 132591735365s.jpg )
88686
>>88681
>> No. 88691
File 133087569535.png - (39.79KB , 244x270 , 132858736880.png )
88691
>>88683
>>88684
The bottom line is that the more middlemen you choose to have, whether they be me or or a scripted importer, the more likely it is that your story will miss some details.

Now I'm not saying that you should edit your story in notepad. That'd be silly — you wouldn't get things like a spell-checker, and 66's and 99's on your quotations. I'm also not saying you should actually edit your story in fimfiction's editor. I'm just saying that you can make it easier for the both of us by submitting plain text. I don't think it's too much to ask.

If you're curious how I'll be typing up my own submissions, I'll be using LyX (http://www.lyx.org/). Give me .lyx files and I will be a happy pony.

>>88686
>y u give so many document?
>> No. 88699
>>88684
>>88691
I've never had trouble with the importer myself, but that may just be luck. Fair enough.

I'll be more careful with my tags this time to avoid making half of my story come out in italics. <_<
>> No. 88715
After much thought, I have decided to push through and enter the competition. I promise not to quit this time.

I will provide an entry, and writer greatness SHALL BE MINE!!!!!!!!1!1!!!11!1
>> No. 88722
>>88702
You sir, have just made my day a whole lot better.
>> No. 88760
Well, if it's all the same to everypony, I'd be glad to try my hoof at this!
>> No. 88776
File 133091089858.png - (193.48KB , 761x1051 , FillyRarity-notamused.png )
88776
>>88702
...

Brilliant!
>> No. 88800
>>88722
And I actually fucked up that post. Duh, bbcode is going to be parsed here! Reposting:

Word to the wise: In Microsoft Word, you can find and replace italics and other formatting.

Ctrl-H to go to find/replace dialogue.

Click in the 'find what' box, click Less, then Format->Font.

Pick your formatting type out of the appropriate section.

Then in the 'replace with' box, type (using italics in this example, and of course take out the spaces): [ i ]^&[ /i ]. That ^& will keep the word, phrase, or passage intact and insert the bbcode around it. It's the best thing I've ever learned.
>> No. 89118
I'd like to be added to the list of participants, if you would be so kind.
>> No. 89188
File 133103950837.jpg - (58.79KB , 764x608 , 85655 - artist whitediamonds rarity.jpg )
89188
>>89118
Sure thing.

And no need to keep sage'ing, guys! A lot of people missed out last time because they didn't know this was happening, so tell your friends and your neighbours and your dog (if he can write). Shout it from the rooftops! I demand at least a better turn-out than last time — 100,000 words in a weekend.
>> No. 89216
File 133105549463.jpg - (134.93KB , 900x696 , one_giant_leap_for_friendship_by_balthasar999-d4qu53z.jpg )
89216
Le bump.
>> No. 89263
Count me in! Squeak is ready to kick some flank!
>> No. 89267
File 133107587389.png - (58.68KB , 500x500 , 130815688270.png )
89267
I can try. Please count me in as well.
>> No. 89286
File 133108217387.png - (99.45KB , 307x350 , 1302348640687.png )
89286
I think I'm going to kill myself in anticipation, I hate being nervous about things. Anyone feel like discussing something?

I, for one, am terribly concerned about how well I'm going to be able to accurately portray everypony in character, as the hodge podge of authors that work on the show has managed to baffle me with every new episode. I'm considering gathering the shows I consider to show each pony off the best, and focus on how certain writers have portrayed each character. That way, I can at least have some semblance of normalcy as I plow through my fic.

What about you, fine gentleponies?
>> No. 89290
>>89286
Perhaps "baffle" is too strong of a word here. Maybe more along the lines of "thrown for a loop?"
>> No. 89364
File 133109414048.png - (117.82KB , 285x320 , 1.png )
89364
>>89286
Almost every ponyfic I've written has the Mane 6 playing secondary/cameos, if not completely absent. I can't say I'm confident of writing them IC because honestly, I haven't tried. Backstory/origins stuff where the main characters are putty in your hands is much more fun anyways.
>pic related
>> No. 89365
>>89286
My plan is to throw words at a document and hope it ships works.
>> No. 89371
>>89365
That's what a good first draft is, after all. At least with 72 hours, we have some leeway to do revising. Assuming we have the story written within a reasonable amount of time.

>>89364
Hmm... that's probably a good idea. But, then again, you gotta be careful who you pick and how you do it, otherwise it could blow up in your face. Fanon is a very prickly pear. Then again that only ever really matters when you shoot for shallow goals, like overly pandering to the audience.

Also, something I think that receives a lot of unfair hate is OC's. Something that should be heavily embraced and utilized to make our stories even better is instead branded and beaten, where it lays whimpering in the corner as onlooker jeer. I've been toying with a few fic ideas revolving around or involving newly created characters, but the sheer amount of animosity that orbits them has, quite honestly, steered me away.
>> No. 89382
>>89371
Welp, shows how long I've been gone along with a mixture of sleeping for about 10 minutes over the past 2 days. The last time I'd seen reactions to OC's was people expressing their distaste at them, and that the fic was downgraded merely by including them. I never really pay much attention to recent events. I do enjoy the OC done right thread that has popped up, very cool.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to sleep for the next 12 hours at least.
>> No. 89391
>>89371
>>89382
>I've been toying with a few fic ideas revolving around or involving newly created characters, but the sheer amount of animosity that orbits them has, quite honestly, steered me away.
Rumours of OC-hate have been greatly exaggerated. Write stories with OCs and you'll be fine if you just remember to make them characters. With my OC fic, I had one person tell me that they weren't interested in reading something so far removed from the source material, and a pretty positive reception otherwise.

Just be careful about how you have mane characters and OCs react to each other - keep it realistic and don't make your OCs totally overshadow the mane characters. Messing that up is probably the easiest way to generate hate. Keep everypony in-character as far as you're able, avoid romantic entanglements unless you're very sure of yourself, and avoid cliches like Pinkie Pie throwing a party for the glorious OCs.

(or you could just avoid the issue and not include the mane cast at all!)

Good examples of OCs that I can think of off the top of my head include the Fallout Equestria characters, that guy from Memories of Those Friends Who've Gone Before Us, the (technically background ponies) cast of Getting Lucky, the characters in Children of the Sun, and the pony Jeeves and Wooster in Canterlot Follies.

On a related note: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=42 (my all-OC stories FIMfic group)
>> No. 89425
>>89391
>Rumours of OC-hate have been greatly exaggerated. Write stories with OCs and you'll be fine if you just remember to make them characters.
Seconding this. Most people... or rather, most bad writers have their super duper awesome special snowflake doing something super awesome that the Mane Six must stare in awe and worship their OC. Okay, this is an exaggeration, but it is done in various degrees for too many times that it is not even funny.

I'll just mention Apples and Wrenches (OCxAJ ship) as another example of an OC well-done. Poor fic was starbombed on EqD, but the author is still plugging away at it, as far as I could tell.
>> No. 89475
>>89391
I don't think the OC hate is so overexaggerated, but perhaps more focused. EQD's readerbase will downvote for OCs still.
>> No. 89489
File 133113874476.png - (565.61KB , 1850x2250 , fluttershy__s_bucket_by_flutterboom-d4huder.png )
89489
>>89475
It doesn't seem to be exaggerated, but more of living on the extremes. OC stories are rarely "meh" or "okay." Most of them get the "this is complete crap" response, but some stories like Antipodes and FoE (questionable since I haven't exactly read it) are really liked. From what I've seen, it isn't a case of hate, but rather one of extremism.
>> No. 89529
>>89489
I have a theory. If the OC is female and cute or cool and not immediately established as a God Mode Sue, then the fic will be well received unless the writing is god awful. Bonus points for good art of the OC as eyecatch. Likewise, if the OC is male, it will get starbombed, regardless of how good the writing is.
>> No. 89542
File 133115484430.jpg - (57.10KB , 693x531 , 130759992048.jpg )
89542
>>89267
RogerDodger, I think you missed me. Add me to the list, please.
>> No. 89544
>>89529
Sad that this is true t.t

However, the greats once knew of a formula for writing their own characters without fear of reprisal. They called it... Background Ponies.

>>89542
Il est fait, mon ami.
>> No. 89547
File 133115631579.gif - (497.68KB , 640x480 , 1329592387988.gif )
89547
Trixie made a proclamation last time, and Trixie doesn't go back on her word.

Count Trixie in.
>> No. 89549
Count me in.
>> No. 89795
"Alright, I'm going to keep this weekend free, so I can focus on writing!"

"Hey what're you doing this weekend?"
"Wanna have a study group this weekend?"
"Hey are you busy this weekend?"
>> No. 89821
File 133120977286.png - (352.20KB , 1000x1000 , 99e9525604e4cbea96c6e1fb34e81478.png )
89821
>[from public voting] five finalists will be chosen and sent to panel members to have the winners decided.
That means you get to choose the best from the best. Interested? Qualified? Send an e-mail.

>>89547
That picture is really creeping me out.

>>89795
>"Hey what're you doing this weekend?"
Ponies.
>"Wanna have a study group this weekend?"
Studying ponies?
>"Hey are you busy this weekend?"
Yes. Ponies.
>> No. 89843
>>89821
Question, and I should have asked it earlier: why are you going to a judges' panel format? I think this is a small enough contest that we get pretty good results just with public voting.

Unless you randomly get 100 entries this time, of course.
>> No. 89844
Blargh. Count me in.
>> No. 89949
File 133128065448.png - (598.71KB , 1052x587 , 111604 - artist roslik rarity.png )
89949
PROMPT SUGGESTIONS SHALL BEGIN IN 11 HOURS.

Guideline for good prompts:
–Doesn't lock you into specific characters
–Doesn't lock you into specific genres
–Is no longer than a sentence, e.g., a phrase, something that could be used as a title

>>89843
We'll see how it goes. Last time we had quite a small number of voters, so I figured that a secondary round to re-order the finalists might be more effective.
>> No. 90003
File 133132020348.png - (199.90KB , 600x600 , 132872762276.png )
90003
THE EVENT SHALL START IN LESS THAN 60 MINUTES.

Post prompt suggestions below.
>> No. 90004
>>90003

Winning
>> No. 90005
Double-edged sword.
>> No. 90006
>>90003
A day off.
>> No. 90008
It was a dark and stormy night while on the road.
>> No. 90009
Down by the River

There's a first time for everything.

The best food ever.

Blue Harvest
>> No. 90010
File 133132115083.jpg - (414.35KB , 785x784 , 4d3.jpg )
90010
>>90009
>Blue Harvest
Pic semi-related
I totally vote for Blue Harvest as well.

My other prompt idea would be "Trying something new".
>> No. 90011
>>90003
>(parts of) random track/album names from my music library

- Bridges in the sky
- All of a sudden I miss everyone
- I got no roots
- I can't explain
- Soft revolution
>> No. 90012
Trying too hard, or why can't I win?

The Best in the World.

They Don't Find You Funny.

He doesn't like you. I don't like you either.

Capitalism in Equestria.

The Cordial Canterlot Carnival.

Can I keep it?

Endless Summer.

Friends Part.
>> No. 90013
>>90003

There's Something in the Water

A trip to a new kingdom

Backwards Day

A secret friend

Dark Magic
>> No. 90014
-A midnight meeting

-Gaining a strange new power

-Rough waters

-A competition

-An awkward reunion
>> No. 90016
Hm. One of my favorite quotes:

"If you could have what you wanted most, how long would it make you happy?"

Though I suppose that would predispose toward sadfics.
>> No. 90018
A randomiser will select one from these 5 in 5 minutes:
-Soft revolution
-Trying something new
-The best in the world
-Double-edged sword
-There's a first time for everything
>> No. 90019
>>90018
Good luck to the judge panel on deciding prompt relevancy if we get soft revolution.
>> No. 90021
File 133132332752.png - (199.90KB , 600x600 , 132872762276.png )
90021
DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD
>> No. 90023
File 133132347271.jpg - (333.18KB , 1234x643 , 60483 - Discord celestia.jpg )
90023
>>90021
And so it begins. Good luck to my fellow contestants, and may the best fic win!
>> No. 90024
>>90021
I was hoping we'd get this one!

Good luck everypony!
>> No. 90026
>>90021

I can work with that. Count my in and take my hat.
>> No. 90027
>>90021
That great moment when the prompt perfectly lines up with an idea you had.
>> No. 90033
>>90021
Ffff, I thought we had another twenty minutes before the prompt happened. @_@ Okay then. I hope I don't screw up the deadline on Monday...
>> No. 90053
File 133133176639.png - (434.30KB , 1000x1392 , 68602 - angry angry_mareines angry_marines artist miketheuser ponyhammer Ponyhammer_40k rage spa.png )
90053
>>90021
And then I draw a blank.
>> No. 90055
File 133133213379.png - (11.06KB , 401x326 , mlfw2195-you_win.png )
90055
>>90021
This promises to be fun...
>pic semi-related
>> No. 90063
File 133133731110.png - (70.38KB , 400x400 , 1330483040108.png )
90063
>>90021
This pleases Trixie.

Now to avoid the obvious.
>> No. 90067
>>90033
Check that your daylight savings settings are correct.
>> No. 90068
>>90033
Just remember, the time the prompt came out today is the time your story is due by. It came out at noon for me, so noon Monday is my deadline.
>> No. 90091
>>90067
Actually, DST hasn't happened yet, so I think it'll be ending at... either 2 or 4 PM Eastern time. I'm not good with time. :/
>> No. 90094
File 133134773938.png - (199.90KB , 600x600 , 133132332752.png )
90094
>>90091
If you put the time into Wolfram|Alpha, it will tell you how many days/hours/minutes until then, and will also try to determine what time it is for you. Check http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=12%2F3+20%3A00+UTC. Even if it gets your timezone wrong, a bit of arithmetic applied to the "Time difference from now" should let you know when it is for you.
>> No. 90112
Question: how... "risque" can we get? I understand clop is against Ponychan rules, but is it against the rules of the competition.
>> No. 90117
>>90112
See:
>>88622
Rule 4.

The compilation will be posted under Fimfiction's "teen" rating. Anything that earns your story a "mature" rating is off limits.
>> No. 90124
>>90094
The first time I tried that, I got it wrong. I'll have to do it again on Sunday just to see if it changes the time or anything. Like I said, not good with time.
>> No. 90142
File 133136320818.png - (159.70KB , 666x723 , 1307671862665.png )
90142
>That feel when it's almost been 12 hours and you still can't think of something to write about.
>> No. 90144
File 133136376866.png - (274.24KB , 854x475 , flutterhmm.png )
90144
>>90021
>> No. 90148
File 133136639135.jpg - (146.55KB , 767x590 , 1299385889787-(n1299707223304).jpg )
90148
>>90142
>That feel when you've come up with an idea and have been too busy playing video games to work on it
>> No. 90151
>>90148
I'm playing .hack//Outbreak while I try to come up with something.
>> No. 90173
File 133139092642.jpg - (89.98KB , 500x516 , tumblr_lyxgjnLBjm1r9jmr0o1_500.jpg )
90173
So... progress reports, anypony? I'm at about 1.5k words.
>> No. 90174
I decided this a few days ago and was going to post, but then I took a Mass Effect 3 to the knee.

I won't be entering the competition after all. Good luck to you all who are entered.
>> No. 90177
File 133139199050.png - (198.90KB , 981x1000 , 133136154776.png )
90177
>>90173
150 words and a 150 word sequence of events.
>> No. 90181
>>90173
Wrote a page and a half last night at a friend's house.

Pretty sure this won't win the contest though.
>> No. 90193
>>90181
>inb4 Present wins the contest
>> No. 90195
Welp, after a night of planning, I finally found an idea I'm satisfied with.

Whether or not I can finish it in time is yet to be seen, but here goes nothin'.
>> No. 90204
>>90173
It seems my muse is taking the weekend off. If I can't come up with something before noon tomorrow then I will unfortunately be dropping out.
>> No. 90211
>>90173

I'm looking at 1.2k words in. If I don't work today, I'll work like mad tomorrow.
>> No. 90212
>>90173
ಠ_ಠ I have 170 words. And that totally isn't because of Killing Floor. Not at all.
>> No. 90216
>>90212

I have an incomplete outline. Mostly due to laziness and testings. My story will either be good, or die horribly.
>> No. 90230
You'll have to scrap my name of the list Roger. This isn't working for me. Be it the time-restriction or my brain trolling me. I don't think I'll have something, if anything, done before the deadline.
>> No. 90242
Progress report for me.

I wrote an outline, then started writing the story backwards. Because I'm terrible at beginnings and just wanted to start writing the sucker. Unfortunately, while I was writing it, the story changed into something completely different. Now it's going to take much longer than I thought to finish the story. I'll have to write like a madman to finish one.

On the plus side, since I'm writing the ending first and working backwards, if I don't finish, it won't be so bad. That will just mean me cutting out the boring backstory no one will care about in the first place. Hehe.

Also, because of Daylight Savings, doesn't that mean that the times will be off for some of us? According to the clock, it's been 27 hours, which leaves us with 45 hours till the deadline. Still plenty of time. :D
>> No. 90248
I've got nothing yet. I'm still tripping over myself trying to decide on a premise that suits the prompt well enough.

There are subtle distinctions between 'double-edged sword', 'be careful what you wish for', and 'but at what cost'. I'm having a hard time setting up an idea that falls neatly enough into the right category and keep putting a limb (or three) into the other camps.
>> No. 90250
>>90248
Here's my take on it:

>Double-edged sword
Something with the potential to both help and hurt you. For example, Adrian Monk's OCD from Monk. It's a blessing and a curse.

>be careful what you wish for
Getting what you ask for, but with an unforeseen downside. For example, wishing for a trillion dollars and A. being arrested for counterfeiting, B. being arrested for being an amazing thief, or C. being hated world-wide for taxing your peasants out of house and home in the country you now lead.

>But at what cost
Like the wish, but you knew about the downside. For example, saving your home planet by blowing up another.
>> No. 90251
>>90250
I know. It's just that my idea generator doesn't seem to care and I keep sliding over to where I don't want to be.
>> No. 90257
>>90018
Congratulations, somehow the prompts you have come up with are worse even than those for the FimFiction write-off.
>> No. 90265
>>90250
Shit, I think I'm doing it wrong. :/ I've only got 1.2k words though, maybe it's not too late to start over. Planning to work all day tomorrow, anyway.
>> No. 90266
For everyone else that isn't able to come up with something, take a shower. Seriously. I just came up with an awesome idea while I was in there.

If you're stressin' about it, just take a shower and relax. Something just might come to you.
>> No. 90269
My progress has been steady, although personally I find it woefully inept. I'm currently standing at five hundred words of a story that I believe that will be interesting to nobody but myself. However, I write on, blindly hoping that my audience will present me with some form of validation for my efforts. Such is life.

That being said, it's got the standard Cassius-infused style that seems to be very successful in certain situations.
>> No. 90288
File 133143325716.jpg - (105.77KB , 554x439 , shrug.jpg )
90288
>2 days in

>Not a single word written
>> No. 90293
File 133143425153.png - (10.40KB , 404x408 , 1307676006432.png )
90293
>>90288
>> No. 90294
>>90288
Ha, what a loser. I've got FORTY SIX words.
>> No. 90309
>Tell myself I'm going to begin today.
>Spend all of day doing random unproductive stuff.

Looks like I'll be rushing tomorrow, then.
>> No. 90349
Soooo, I was doing a bit of calculating, and the deadline for me is ~3pm Monday. Is this correctish?
>> No. 90350
As my wordcount (very slowly) grows, I become more and more certain that I have a very solid premise...

Which I will almost certainly proceed to irredeemably destroy with my incompetence.

How're the rest of you doing?
>> No. 90351
>>90350
Slightly under 900 words at the moment, but I've come to realize that my story is irredeemable garbage.
>> No. 90352
>>90350
I just wrote like a maniac for a whole day, to then realize that my story will be terribly rushed if I continue writing the way I'm doing so.

So... new story time...
>> No. 90353
File 133144896358.png - (769.46KB , 720x720 , 86513 - Kingdom_Hearts artist akili-amethyst rarity stained_glass.png )
90353
>>90349
I can't say since I have no idea what time-zone you're in. It's 3pm Monday for people in –5 UTC, i.e., Eastern Standard Time, i.e., most states in the U.S.
>> No. 90355
>>90353
Hmm, does that include the time change? I only ask because this is bloody confusing to me. I hate daylight savings time.
>> No. 90358
File 133144989468.jpg - (2.35KB , 125x71 , 131966215062s.jpg )
90358
>thinks for a whole day
>only idea involving digging up depression as a source of inspiration

I'm sorry, guys, but I don't think I can come up with anything for the prompt. =( I'm just not in the right mindset to do any writing now, really.
>> No. 90359
>>90358
GFLAGLSH

NO.

Too many dropouts already. If I end up doing well when half of the others drop out, it's going to bother me for the rest of my life. It's hardly a competition when (no offense to anyone in this thread) the best players leave.
>> No. 90362
>>90359
What if he wasn't bringing his A game? Same result, really.
>> No. 90368
>>90355
I don't know what your DST settings are, so I can't say for sure. Like I said, use Wolfram|Alpha. Even if it doesn't get your time right, it'll tell you how long, in days/hours/minutes, until the submission time. I'm sure you can work it out from that.
>> No. 90374
>Have an idea
>Not a single word written

This is going to be good.
>> No. 90385
File 133145743064.jpg - (9.33KB , 225x225 , eheheh.jpg )
90385
>>90358
>still depressed
>gets completely different idea after reading >>90359
>mfw
Actually, don't cross me off just yet. We still have a day, right?
>> No. 90387
>>90385
Yes we do. Good thing, too.

I managed to find stupid ways to distract myself all day and am still at less than 1k words.

Everyone else thinking about quitting - if you don't have more pressing engagements, if your reason for quitting is a lack of ideas or progress, don't quit. Stick it out and find a way.

Battle your writer's block or whathaveyou.

No matter what you produce, you're better off than if you did nothing because no matter how good or bad what you've written is there is SOMETHING to be learned.

And really, if the end result is THAT bad, you can quit and not submit it. But please, don't stop trying to write.

Never ever do that.
>> No. 90405
File 133147064040.jpg - (14.23KB , 221x228 , What.jpg )
90405
>>90350

I'm doing well, thank you. I think I managed to finally get out the first part of my story after what... 3k words?

I'll finish writing today and I'm pleased so far... but if I'm pleased, that usually means...

<< Picture semi-related
>> No. 90409
>>90387

MFW theworstwriter says something inspiring. I have the warm fuzzies right now.
>> No. 90411
>>90368
After DST, the deadline for Eastern Time is 4 PM Monday, assuming Wolfram isn't lying to me again.
>> No. 90412
File 133148023174.png - (131.98KB , 948x1091 , 132868054946.png )
90412
>>90350

Still haven't written anything, but, eh, I've written like 4k stories in a day...assuming I can get a couple hours to myself at my computer I should be able to pull this off.
>> No. 90413
File 133148057497.png - (160.86KB , 473x473 , Twilight-pawnchhhhhh.png )
90413
Finally sat down and actually started to half-assing one scene.

Now to actually write the other scenes.

>pic related
>> No. 90421
Can I enter anonymously?
>> No. 90426
>>90421

We already have one anon participating so I don't see why not.
>> No. 90435
If you're worried about time, think about this:
Typing at 50wpm -> 500 words in 10 minutes -> 3000 words in 1 hour. If you can get into your story and it starts flowing, you can feasibly finish it in only a few hours. Don't give up if you think you don't have time, you have plenty of it.

And if all else fails, future you can always show up and bail you out.
>> No. 90441
File 133149862661.jpg - (11.69KB , 271x326 , Jan guns.jpg )
90441
>>90412

Alright, managed to get little over 1k done. The ending is finished...now I just have to write the beginning and middle.
>> No. 90478
File 133151031319.jpg - (54.05KB , 500x667 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-theyre-everywhere.jpg )
90478
>That feel when it's 1AM
>That feel when getting up in five hours' time.
>That feel when have 3 hours after work to finish when I get back.
>That feel when this is going to be a damn close shave.

WHY CAN'T I HOLD
ALL THESE FEELS
>> No. 90534
File 133151950867.png - (198.90KB , 981x1000 , 133136154776.png )
90534
>>90435
>50 wpm
>mfw

Welp. I'm just going to turn off my internet now and spend all day writing. (Adelaide Cup day – spend all day writing about horses, instead of watching horses race like the rest of the state.)

I'll come back a couple hours before the deadline to answer any last minute questions.
>> No. 90535
8,500 words in a day. Here's to editing this sumbitch! >:V
>> No. 90537
File 133151970806.png - (530.13KB , 900x900 , oh_come_on___by_speccysy-d4pcqpm.png )
90537
>>90535
>8500 words
>> No. 90541
>>90537
I've actually managed that (once) now. Not for this, though. Oh good heavens no. More than 8k? Nononono.

I imagine the final length of my entry will be *spoilers*k.
>> No. 90542
File 133152134915.gif - (1.96MB , 928x360 , wcKPO.gif )
90542
>>90535
I could have done this as well... but I had editing things to do, and totally didn't play Killing Floor. Nope. Not at all.

>pic totally unrelated
>> No. 90543
File 133152136117.gif - (329.12KB , 233x226 , 1331499882372.gif )
90543
>>90535
>>90541
8k, why not ∞k? Twilight has the right idea.
>> No. 90544
After a day of rushing through writing, I finally got a full story. Probably a bad one, but hopefully it'll suffice.

How's everyone else doin'?
>> No. 90546
>>90544
After a few hours of debating whether or not to quit (again), got back to writing. Just over 3k words, and I have 2 hours or so to write. I'm probably halfway through, though I still don't have an end in mind. =s
>> No. 90548
I think I'm almost done, but I have a nagging feeling my entry will be the shortest by a fair margin. I think I was the second shortest last time.

Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but it gives a bad first impression to see a timed piece ending up so small. It makes the first glance suggest it's incomplete.

Who knows, maybe it IS incomplete.
>> No. 90554
~4k and I've basically just got to write the ending. It's probably still going to be a race against time, though. These things always are.
>> No. 90556
File 133152679664.jpg - (31.98KB , 481x529 , gitaroo_man.jpg )
90556
>Mfw finished this son of a bitch

I'll edit it in the morning.
>> No. 90559
Sending off the email now.

I can't even complain about the thing I want to complain about, because it would give away which one is mine.
>> No. 90560
Done! Not sure whether this is my A-game, but it's complete and sent, so that counts for something. At least my entry can exist to make the others look better.
>> No. 90569
Done. I could wake up early to edit, but fuck editing. Parts of it aren't spectacular, but it was fun.
>> No. 90617
File 133155602415.png - (84.87KB , 955x1063 , 131958594305.png )
90617
Just a reminder guys and gals: I need to be able to open your submissions. :s

So far, I've gotten:
-a .wps file; I have no idea what .wps is and tried for ten minutes to find a way to open it, to no avail
-GoogleDocs links without permissions changed so I can view it
-Submissions without titles
-Submissions without authors

I need these last few hours to finish my story, so pleeeease don't be making me have to chase you up about this stuff.
>> No. 90620
File 133155882996.jpg - (3.08KB , 126x95 , 1331473186903s.jpg )
90620
>>90617
Pic because Chris is awesome and so are you. Don't fret yourself over the little bugs in the submissions until after the deadline, dude. =)
>> No. 90628
File 133156783933.png - (652.08KB , 3000x2800 , 133136155839.png )
90628
>>90620
>> No. 90636
Eh, don't think I'll make it in time. Only have five hundred words (five hundred more than my last writeoff, at least). I might drop the idea into the thread when submissions have closed down, since I think it at least has some merit.
>> No. 90638
Submitted!
>> No. 90639
I finished. I can honestly say that this is the longest thing I've ever written for fiction. Being under the weather prompted me to write both with the insane imagination of a man on drugs, and the detrimental cognitive function of said man on drugs.

Can I have my fourth place trophy now?
>> No. 90640
File 133157586274.png - (266.10KB , 464x599 , Fluttershy-Challengeaccepted.png )
90640
>>90639
>Only ending to write.
>No editing
>Only two hours to go.

>pic
>> No. 90642
Well, I did this to prove to myself that if I sit down, I can type a half-coherent story.

I'm happy with that. I can't wait to read what you guys have done.

Kudos to Rodger for being awesome.
>> No. 90648
>>90617

As the guy who sent in the .wps file, all I can say is 'oops'.

Does anyone know which files are acceptable? I'd hate to send in another file type that's incorrect, and the guidelines doc only mentions one example (which I can't access).
>> No. 90649
>>90648
Get it into GoogleDocs if you can't manage anything else.
>> No. 90652
>45 minutes left
>suddenly realize I hate the ending
Oh well.
>> No. 90653
File 133158046942.jpg - (345.42KB , 1071x1111 , 1329511191210.jpg )
90653
Entry complete and submitted.

Considering the issue last time, can Trixie have a confirmation of reception?
>> No. 90658
Finally! We had to do this on the weekend Mass Effect 3 was released, didn't we? Finished with fifteen minutes to spare. I think I need to manage my time better. Rather than being three day's work, this is literally a day's worth. Goddamn Mass Effect, being such a damn good series.
>> No. 90659
Story completed and sent. Hurrah. I may have half-assed it, but it's better than dropping like last time. Don't forget that your stories can still be improved after the contest is over. The entire point of having a write-off is to test your current level under pressure and a time-line, right?

Besides, according to Ernest Hemingway, the first drafts of anything is "S***." So take heart everyone, we can always improve our stories as long as are willing. Onwards!
>> No. 90661
File 133158219623.png - (146.37KB , 948x842 , Fluttercry.png )
90661
>>90659
>Finished in the last 15 minutes

>Suddenly no time to edit.

Oh well.
>> No. 90662
Fic submitted! I hope it wasn't too late.
>> No. 90666
I think a list of authors who you've gotten submissions from would be nice. That way, if somepony sent in theirs and you say you never got it, they can attempt to sort things out.
>> No. 90670
Whoo! Got mine in two hours early. :D HAPPY VOTING EVERYPONY :B
>> No. 90687
FICS RECEIVED: 19
IF YOUR FIC ISN'T LISTED BELOW, START PANICKING.

Directory of C:\Users\Cameron\Documents\Txt\Double-edged Sword

03/13/2012 07:33 AM <DIR> .
03/13/2012 07:33 AM <DIR> ..
03/13/2012 07:22 AM 21,846 A Case of You.txt
03/13/2012 07:11 AM 43,383 A Game of Twits.txt
03/13/2012 07:29 AM 15,289 A True Magician.txt
03/13/2012 07:35 AM 681 Authors
03/13/2012 06:59 AM 34,938 Benefits and Consequences.txt
03/13/2012 07:32 AM 16,234 Call Me, Call me.txt
03/13/2012 07:31 AM 19,853 Correspondence.txt
03/13/2012 07:26 AM 22,632 Creepy Doll From Down the Lane.txt
03/13/2012 06:35 AM 24,007 FLaSHBA-CK.txt
03/13/2012 07:08 AM 23,969 For the Love of All.txt
03/13/2012 07:00 AM 7,571 Harmony.txt
03/13/2012 07:18 AM 29,579 I Dream of Daisies.txt
03/13/2012 07:23 AM 25,389 Minotamed.txt
03/13/2012 07:01 AM 42,464 Pieonic.txt
03/13/2012 06:28 AM 24,646 Piercing Octaves.txt
03/13/2012 07:34 AM 22,847 Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords.txt
03/13/2012 07:20 AM 20,972 Pinkie's Panic.txt
03/13/2012 07:02 AM 17,772 Shadows.txt
03/13/2012 06:49 AM 30,278 Sword, Hammer, Stallion.txt
03/13/2012 07:17 AM 50,896 The Ueton Game.txt
>> No. 90693
STORIES: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

Please check that I didn't totally screw yours up.
>> No. 90695
Who are the judges?
>> No. 90699
File 133159060581.png - (729.64KB , 752x634 , gErug.png )
90699
>>90695
TBD. If people wish to submit an application to be a judge, the slots are still open until public voting is finished.

Public voting can be done at: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/FTCZVZP (See: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/20/Double-edged-Sword/VOTING)
>> No. 90702
File 133159114331.png - (54.17KB , 566x545 , 37995 - artist aurelieia Trixie.png )
90702
Trixie expects Equestria Daily will be notified soon - and wouldn't it be nice if the competition got its own post?

Trixie would like that.
>> No. 90706
>>90699
What should such an application include?
>> No. 90732
>>90687
Those titles sonud damn enticing, if not morbid. "Call Me, Call Me"? Nice.
>> No. 90733
File 133160397163.jpg - (378.74KB , 1280x1024 , NGE Wallpaper.jpg )
90733
Alright, only read a A Case of Yous, A True Magician, Harmony, and Shadows...what're you guys' thoughts on the entries so far?
>> No. 90738
>>90733
I'm reading through them all at the moment, but haven't finished. I'll post my thoughts when I'm done, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on mine in the meantime.
>> No. 90745
File 133160741731.png - (94.18KB , 450x510 , 82755 - Octavia artist lulubell blanket blushing cute.png )
90745
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

>>90743
Sorry, I'm trying to juggle a lot of stuff right now and my body is kind of messing with me. I've been awake for way too long. Your application just needs to tell me who you are and why you should be considered for the position. From the OP: "Panel members should be relatively well-known and reputable in the community and should not be participating in the event."
>> No. 90770
Just noticed something:
>One-Way Ticket
>Double-Edged Sword
Both are hyphenated adjectives followed by a nouns, and nopony even meant to do that.

Started reading the stories. I've only read four so far, but it looks like this write-off is a step up quality-wise from last time. I think that extra day must have really helped (I know it helped me).

Interesting how we have two Trixie stories again.
>> No. 90780
File 133162367343.jpg - (31.15KB , 331x327 , 1302582682410.jpg )
90780
>Fic based on Tron
>Another one based on The Binding of Isaac

>Mfw I realize what they were based on.
Of course that's assuming I'm right. I'm really curious, did I read em right?

All of these stories were immensely enjoyable. You all did great.
>> No. 90802
>>90770
All /fic/ prompts must forever follow this pattern!

Two-Way Mirror
One-Two Punch
Top-Down Architecture
Drill-Bit Taylor :V
>> No. 90805
>>90780

Thanks. i'm glad you enjoyed mine. At least I'm assuming that means you enjoyed mine
>> No. 90810
Author of FLaSHBA-CK here, going down the list. Will get to the second half of the stories if I have the chance.

Story will be based on how good the overall premise could have been when stripped of the bells and whistles--how could the story could be, not how good it is. Execution will be based on how well said story was carried out with grammar, pacing, mood, and all that fun stuff. No leniency because of time constraints with these ratings outside of minor grammar stuff when it comes to these numbers, so they might be lower than one would expect. Don't take them to heart, though; I could probably have easily gone up or down by 1 for each case. Spoilers because spoilers--don't read the text part if you haven't read the story yet.

Rating baseline comparison:
My Little Dashie, Story: 1.5/5, Execution: 2.5/5

A Case of You:
Interesting premise with a time-tested conflict. I like it. Alcoholism doesn't cause heart attacks though, so the ending seems to come out of nowhere like the author was pressed for time, though not to a terrible extent. The main six coming out of nowhere doesn't work too well, either, I don't think. The mood doesn't really change throughout and the ending was fairly sour.
Story: 2.5/5
Execution: 3/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 25%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "That story where X loved Y but Y didn't love X back in the same way"

A Game of Twits:
I think the title would have been better as a pun on "battle of wits", but my pun-fu is weak. Chess is not my forte. The money issue seems to come from nowhere. And a bunch of other things don't seem to add up. The jokes are funny, but the writer seems to be trying too hard to be funny and making offhand jokes. E.g. there isn't really a game of twits and the title seems unrelated. (Maybe I'm just projecting, though.)
Story: 2.5/5
Execution: 2/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 20%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "That story about chess with a weird tournament setup and the author probably ran out of time, yet will somehow probably get five or six stars on EqD"

A True Magician:
A Trixie story that isn't a depressing backstory? Shock and awe! It's a Trixie vs. inner demons story. So much for that. It is Trixie backstory after all. Well, the ending was cute. Unfortunately, Trixie seems... out of character. This Trixie seems tortured and cynical instead of egotistical.
Story: 2/5
Execution: 2.5/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 25%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "A Trixie redemption fic"

Benefits and Consequences:
This doesn't seem much "double-edged sword" as much as it does "single-edged sword, wielded upside-down." It seems odd that ponies would go to Twilight for alchemy instead of going to Mortar and Pestle. Cure All sounds imbalanced. The writer appears to have run out of time, since the ending felt really rushed.
Story: 1/5
Execution: 1/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 5%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "Mortar and Pestle are some pretty neat OC names"

Call Me, Call me:
Maybe it was the slow jazz station I was listening to, but this felt pretty calm for the most part. There's not a whole lot of story to go around, but what there is works pretty well. I don't see how this is a double-edged sword, though. His determination, maybe? I dunno.
Story: 3/5
Execution: 3/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 25%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "Probably the first and last Cranky Doodle fic I will ever see"

Correspondence:
Interesting letter format, but Inky seems ridiculously off. "You just saved the country from eternal night, but what about me?" I thought the ending was solid, but everything up to that seemed pretty shaky. It doesn't help that I don't like the Pinkie and Octavia Are Sisters fanon, either. I'm assuming some of those italics should be cross outs.
Story: 2.5/5
Execution: 2/5 -- This would have been 2.5, but there're a lot of grammar things that throw me off.
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 20%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "Letters!"

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane:
The title and the ending weren't too great, but everything in between seemed solid with a rather interesting premise. It feels like the author was going for horror but ran out of time at the end. I seem to be saying that a lot, don't I?
Story: 3/5
Execution: 4/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 30%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "That fic where Lyra either gets haunted or goes insane"

Harmony:
It's nothing bad, but it's nothing special, either--there's a conflict but not much of a resolution. Can't say I particularly like the idea of the Elements of Harmony doing much more than being pretty, though the drawback idea seems fairly interesting--not that I can say I particularly like that, either, since I can't imagine harmony spurning disdain.
Story: 2/5
Execution: 3/5
How well I'll remember this story after the writeoff: 10%
How I will remember this story as after the writeoff: "Disagreed with my head canon"
>> No. 90811
So who are the judges?
>> No. 90816
>>90810
>that feel when yours is the next in line
I read yours on my phone and enjoyed it pretty much. The premise isn't exactly new, but the execution was good. That's all I can say until I do it justice and read it on my comp screen, with the others as well.
>> No. 90818
>>90810

>That feel when you want to jump up and say something to clarify your work but cannot

Thanks for the feedback in any case. I haven't gotten around to reading yours yet, though, but I'll try to today.

Also I just realized that the second "me" in my story's title isn't capitalized for some reason. RogerDodger, when or if you see this, could you do me a favor and capitalize it?
>> No. 90822
>>90810
>How I will remember this story section.

Why don't you just rip out my heart and kill me? You could have said my story was terrible, gave it 0/5, 0%, and said it was the worst story in the competition, and I wouldn't have been offended. Saying that, though, just fills my heart full of seething hatred.

Will respond to critique on return
>> No. 90836
File 133166522316.png - (251.18KB , 591x599 , JamesBlake.png )
90836
>>90810
I haven't read Flashback yet, but thanks for the input. I knew the rushed final sections would show, but eh, I'm happy I did the best I could in the time I had.

I had a lot of fun writing it, and I want to thank you all for that. Great stories so far (I'm reading through Creepy Doll right now)

Correspondence I liked a lot; there were problems but I really did like it. I also want to say that A True Magician was nice, and A Game of Twits was predictable but still great fun. I'll do the same and write a few sentences on each when I'm done, it's the least I can do. Thanks again, everyone!
>> No. 90839
>>90822
I always feel an intense hatred after reading critiques, but it's a self loathing instead of outward anger. Sometimes I know I can do better than what I've done, yet I failed to do it. Other times I've utterly failed to create a story that is as great as the grandiose ideas floating around in my head.

What never fails, however, is the self loathing morphing into a burning determination to to better the next time I produce a story. I want people to be able to read through my stories and come away with some form of enjoyment. I realize I've most likely failed this time around, and I have some ideas why. However, as I have already been through my bout of self deprecation after reading through all the other stories and thinking mine hardly holds a candle to them, I have gotten to the point that I am determined to either revisit this story and make it better or to turn to another idea I have.

Just keep yourself going and realize they aren't trying to put you down, they merely want you to improve. If they were to sugar coat things, how would we get anything done?
>> No. 90840
>>90810

I think anon should read stories more carefully before giving half-assed critiques.

For example: You point out that alcohol doesn't lead to heart attacks. Yeah, when it's taken in moderate consumption... I would imagine that as heavy a drinker as Berry is portrayed, there would be some issues beyond what normal alcohol consumption can bring up. That, and it led her to an unhealthy life style, which one could then say is the root cause of her heart failure.

Another story, Benefits and Consequences. I don't think you read it all the way through or you only skimmed it. You probably missed the part where RD lets slip to Lyra that it was Twilight that made the pain suppressant. Um... one, it's RD, who seems to be one of the more popular ponies in Ponyville that let that secret out of the box, and two, word travels fast. Oh boy! Free potions as compared to the potions I would have to spend my hard earned bits on. Where the hell do you think I'm gonna go?

Lastly, A True Magician. Umm... actually, Trixie has a pretty good reason to be cynical and tormented. She had her ego shattered by the Ponyville incident. Life pretty much sucks for her. Oh, and before you argue about the time line of this story, it's pretty ambiguous. Sure, she has a cart, but it isn't necessarily the one in the Ponyville incident. She could have gotten another.

Okay, fine, you've read over this and you probably have a scything reply. Just hold your horses. Just because I believe you gave half-assed critiques doesn't mean I'm gonna automatically downgrade yours. I'm going to actually read it thoroughly and give it a fair chance instead of skimming. Want to know why? Because we have a week to read through all the stories. No rush there.
>> No. 90845
>>90810

There, I read FLaSHBA-CK. And like I said, I gave it a chance.

Guess what! It was good, but full of plot holes. However, I'm not going to hold that against you too hard because of the given constraints.

Now, time for pointing out some some things, much like you seem so fond of doing.

Okay, good concept, but like I said earlier, it needs work. For example, why was Colgate working on the FLaSHBA-CK at Berry's house and in her basement? Colgate has no reason to be there. I could point out several reasons why, but I'd only do that in a full review, which I'm not going to do here.

Second, you have Colgate walking around with the hat on, while it's constantly showing her images. No issue there except for... oh... maybe not being able to walk in a straight line. She's seeing things that have already happened. For example, she might see where a wagon crossed the road... as she was crossing in real time. Her instinct would be to jump out of the way. I'm sure you can see the issues there.

Lastly, now she knows what she's in for before she goes into the restaurant. By now, she's seen some pretty horrible things. Why the hell didn't she turn them off for this meeting? Come on now, that's just making Colgate an air-head for the sake of the story. At least try to keep her in character with what little we know about her.


Overall: 6/10. I gave it that score mostly because the concept was pretty good.
>> No. 90847
Alright then, have some feedback everypony. I've read everything except for A Game of Twits; Shadows; Sword, Hammer, Stallion; and The Ueton Game. I'll get to you folk later.

I'll vote once I've read everything. Try to guess what scores I'm going to give, or don't.

A Case of You
Celestia, was this ever depressing. There's such a feeling of hopelessness around Berry's life and you really got that through to me. Well done.

A True Magician
With the way the word "magic" is used, this story seems a better fit for human characters, unless I'm missing something/read it wrong. Also, I'm not sure I buy Trixie as this cynical and self-loathing, although I suppose it's not an impossible version of her character. This is one of the better Trixie stories I've read, but that really isn't saying very much at all.

Benefits and Consequences
Look out for word repetition and sentences which repeat themselves when you revise this. Lots of other miscellaneous errors in this one---enough to notice, at least.

Story-wise, it didn't satisfy. I thought you were going to have the alchemists explain what it was that Twilight had neglected to do, but you didn't, and so I'm left wondering what went wrong with her potions. The moral here is good, and I think this story has potential, but it needs a less dull resolution.

I'm not hung up on prompt-relevance, but alchemy in this fic didn't strike me as something which had a strength that was also a weakness---its strength was its amazing curing abilities, and its weakness was that newbies could mess it up. Not a double-edged sword.

How did Twilight know the name of Spike's disease when none of her books referenced it?


Call Me, Call Me
Lots of unwieldly and repetitive writing, but a good editing pass should take care of that. It's nice to see someone delving into Cranky's tragic backstory, and I think you did a fairly decent job of this story-wise.

Correspondence
It's really obvious who wrote this. Shades of Simply Rarity. I liked it---it showed the entirety of season one in a new, triviality-exposing light. The last letter was a punch in the gut.

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane
I feel like this story would be better applied to OCs, somehow. I know that there's not much difference in BG ponies and OCs, but Bon-Bon's death had a numbing effect on the rest of the fic, probably reducing its impact on me. Although without Lyra and Bon-Bon it mightn't very much of a pony story. Guess I might be too invested in BG ponies.

For a horror story, I didn't find it particularly frightening. I'm sure there are ways you can change the structure of the text to give this fic some more suspense and I do hope you do that after the Write-Off.

You mentioned Lyra's "hands" at one point. I loled.


FLaSHBA-CK
I'm surprised at how long it took you to make the obvious sex joke. Some of the dialogue exchanges were a little confusing and it pretty much goes without saying that the story was predictable (not that that's really a bad thing). I didn't really see the hat as a double-edged sword---you didn't really showcase any particular use or benefit of it before diving into what was awful about it.

Overall, it was an entertaining little romp that made me smile in a few places.


For the Love of All
Um, why not adopt? I'm assuming it's because Gaelstorm isn't the kind of ponies adoption agencies want to pawn their children off to.

That little nitpick aside, I loved this. You weaved an interesting and terribly tragic backstory for Fluttershy, and I really liked the character of White Wing's father. I'll be honest and say I preferred the first half of the story to everything that came after they found out that Fluttershy had a kindness aura, but that part wasn't bad, per se, just not as good as what came before, in my eyes.


Harmony
I'd probably dig this scene in a longer fic. On its own, though, it's really just a scene. Didn't really do much for me, sorry.

Minotamed
Heh. Picking Your Hoof Up, eh? I liked this story. It had a very episode-like simplicity and charm to it. There were some funny moments, many of which had a very FiM feel to them. The prompt wasn't really explicitly implemented anywhere that I saw, but I guess the double-edged swords at play here are extreme assertiveness and extreme kindness. Works for me.

Pieonic
Language is quite painfully off in numerous places and there are many more errors than I am prepared to excuse. Your dialogue tags are incredibly belaboured and overwrought and there's a lot of word repetition. Please use more hyphens. Use "said" instead of "spoke" and try "asked" instead of "questioned". Don't use "less" when you mean "fewer". And that's just the tip of the iceberg...

As for the story itself... meh. It seems a bit random. Twilight arbitrarily decides to teach Pinkie magic, they do some stuff and then Pinkie suddenly turns evil, creates a timeloop and kills a guy. It's all put rather boringly. You've got a few interesting ideas about magic, but your clunky prose made this story a chore to get through.

You mentioned Pinkie's "humanity" at two points.


Piercing Octaves
TRON Pilgrim VS Equestria? Sweet. It also reminded me of that movie Gamer a little. I quite liked the way this fic started off, and I genuinely didn't see the twist near the end coming. I'm not a big fan of the ending---I get what you were going for, but it just felt a bit weird and unsatisfying. You introduce some deep stuff flippantly in the final moments of the story and it's like a sequel hook that I'm glad doesn't actually promise a sequel.

You really oughtn't mention Michael Bay in a My Little Pony story. At least change the name a bit (Michael Bray, anyone?)


Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords
A fic with the end moral that I thought Party of One was going to have. Neat. It needs a fair bit of polish, though. I may just not be a clever pony, but I didn't get the signficance of the ending, or whether there was any meaning in Pinkie actually finding a sword in the random place Stone had directed her to.

Pinkie's Panic
Party of One with a more frighteningly realistic psychotic break for Pinkie. Hmm. For what this is, it works. The idea of a tomato-flavoured cupcake is certainly... interesting. I liked the moral and interpretation of Pinkie's ideas about friendship.

Lots of Pinkie stories this time around.

There are a good number of very enjoyable stories here that I'll be quite happy to lose to. Well done, everypony! I'll read the rest soon.
>> No. 90850
>>90780
Eeyup. Inspired by, but not ultimately ''based on'' The Binding of Isaac, which is to say it draws on the visuals and ''gameplay'' but has nothing to do with the plot, and was of course written with an audience unfamiliar with BoI in mind.

>that feeling when everyone's going to read your story last
>> No. 90854
>>90847

I see. Reading through it again I can see what you're saying. Not exactly my best showing, but oh well. I'm still getting through the stories myself.

>>90850

Well it is the longest of the bunch...
>> No. 90855
>>90840
I had a response, didn't expect someone else to provide one more me.

Mine was: Why assume it was a backstory? I suppose it's my fault for not having Trixie complain about having to buy a new wagon, or bemoaning her encounter in Ponyville, but I felt pinning the story in a timeline to be unnecessary.

>>90847
I agree with you, to some extent. I found it quite difficult to convey a human understanding of magic - "a force that brings happiness/makes dreams come true" - in a universe where magic (in a more practical, limited form) exists. I'm sure there is a solution, I just couldn't find the exact words required in the time provided.

In general, I might as well out say it now: I am dissatisfied with the way my entry came out. Simply put, it moved far too fast for my liking and the depiction of the character came out incomplete. That, and I have the sense I would have been better off closing the curtains after she fell asleep - at least then it wouldn't be joining the legions of other "Trixie redemption fics" so readily.

Anyways, do continue to post critiques, everyone. I do appreciate them, and I know everyone else does.
>> No. 90856
>>90850
>inb4 half the stories in the next write-off are "A ..."
>inb4 Aaron's Aardvark Adventures
>> No. 90857
File 133167549672.gif - (465.19KB , 500x350 , tumblr_lnbwbzIJqc1qlmjjko1_500.gif )
90857
Sorry about the late reply (Tasty irony, am I right?); I was waylaid by mod zealotry.

>>90745
Cracker Saltine, don't talk back to me; I can read the damn OP all day long.

Anyway, I lame is an anagram of email, and I am not lame, so here's my application:

I'm anon. I'm pretty great at most things.

Today I made a cake (it ended up more like chocolate sludge) and everyone liked it. Not only that, but I described each ingredient in depth and in chinese. 我是很好!
I enjoy all sorts of music, country notwithstanding (damn those hicks). All of my favorite colors fall between 450 and 650 nanometers on the electromagnetic spectrum.
I can juggle up to three easily-caught objects, such as eyes. I have gone to a renaissance fair without breaking into laughter.
I find gay people kinda scary.
I can reach the top shelf without using a chair. My least favorite pony is applejack (damn them all!).
I do not know how to properly punctuate parentheses. I cried at the end of Gladiator.
I only like yellow starbursts. I really, really like the 4th of july.
I wrote some pony stories one time; they were pretty great. They still are.
I have a deep appreciation of timely responses.
I put milk in a bag once. It was today.
For the cake.

I don't think that I like hardwood floors as much as most people seem to. Orchata is pretty great.
So are churros. After watching Blackhawk Down, I developed a deep fear of somalians.

I strongly dislike quilts. In general, handcrafted items irk me.
I tried to wear a scarf once, but it didn't work. It ended up as a turban and people on the train were perturbed. My favorite soup is cream of potato.
Chickarina is also nice. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of foot diseases, which I'm sure will prove invaluable once I am appointed to your high council.
Large dogs are frightening. All canines seem innately predisposed to violent acts against me, but I only worry about the bigger breeds because those aren't as easy to dissuade with kicks and pliers.
Cats are alright.
If you have any questions about my application, feel free to ask them.
Cats are awesome!

I always play on easy mode. I heard that Precious was pretty funny.
I also have reviewed a couple of fics. Of course, I did an excellent job. As a result, I was awarded the prestigious red quill award by the IPFWG. I can flip a coin over my knuckles rapidly.
Zubat is my favorite pokemon. I am not going to sage this post.
I have a google docs gold account. I try not to think about FiM ending. I also try not to think about my own inevitable mortality.
However, I’m sure the monuments in my honor will last long into the future, loudly declaring that anon was the finest poster ever to grace /fic/.

Balsamic vinegar is my favorite condiment of all time. I dip saltines in it. I dip beef jerky in it. I dip quesadillas in it. I dip my fingers in it.

My family has a history of substance abuse. I suspect that I will become addicted to or dependant on alcohol in my future.

I hate tea. It is weakly flavored and shitty.

There is one exception. Mint tea is fucking great. I wish it was summer so I could grow some goddamn spearmint.

I don’t like the heat, though. It always makes it difficult for me to sleep. At least the humidity will be higher soon.
I’m tired of being ashy. My elbows are like pompei or something. Shit is ridiculous.
I have a minor tongue-related medical condition which only affects .06% of Americans. This is just one more way in which I am a special snowflake.

Sometimes people think I’m a skinhead. I am constantly obligated to explain that while I don’t shed any tears for israel, I am not a neo-nazi.

If is my firm belief that all cookies other than chocolate chip or thin-mint should be burned as fuel. After the lesser-cookie surplus has been dealt with, all copies of the recipes should be burned as well.

I am equally prejudiced against everyone.

I went to church once without laughing at all. It was more difficult than the Renaissance fair.

I just hope I’m not overqualified.



Anyway, once you get it narrowed down to five, let me know.
>> No. 90859
>>90857
You're definitely over-qualified. What with that skill set, I'm surprised employers aren't grovelling at your feet. How can I trust you won't leave me for someone else?
>> No. 90866
File 133167887955.jpg - (161.01KB , 1024x768 , ssssssssss.jpg )
90866
>>90859
They are groveling, saltine. They are.

However, I am already gainfully employed as an astronaut/firefighter/doctor aboard the international space station. Unfortunately, there aren't many fires up here, and my co-workers are all as healthy as horses. This leaves me with quite a lot of extra time.
Since this is a dry space station, liquid entertainment is out of reach. Our media reserves dwindle, with only a russian's ipod and a few science fiction movies remaining. I would suggest to my crewmates that we have an orbit-orgy, but those russians are so damn negative that I'm sure that my plan would crash and burn.
Fortunately, we met REDACTED
REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED who REDACTEDREDACTEDponychan, fimfiction, and this one conspiracy site! Anyway, now this is my main form of entertainment. I mean, I would gladly make more cakes, but those russians got into the supplies again.
I found them snorting chocolate powder in the laboratory module. I think that they might be having difficulty coping after those invasive REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED.
I'm still a bit sore from the whole ordeal.
Perhaps it's for the best that we won't be having any salacious parties; I think we'd all like to forget what happened.

Back to the topic at hand. I will never give you up, saltine, (I do not plan on letting you down, either) because I am stuck in space.

Also, future me stopped by a minute ago to let me know that I did a really good job judging the final five fics. Whelp, I guess you made the right decision.
>> No. 90869
File 133167934147.jpg - (22.32KB , 300x300 , portal-cake.jpg )
90869
>>90865
I saw that thing (you didn't need to delete it!) floating by just the other day. My crewmates freaked out. I treated them for hysteria, out of pure boredom.

Sorry about my deletion, those rambunctious russians strategically added errors to my post while I checked to make sure earth was still there. I only noticed after the fact.
>> No. 90872
Thanks for the feedback. I'll start looking through the fics tomorrow, too much on my plate right now.

>>90810
Inky being out of character? I wasn't aware she had a character. I tried to make her a bit like Pinkie at the start and then show her grow colder. Yeah those italics should be cross-outs. I had an author's note at the start but it seems to have gone missing. I know its a bit outdated, the Inky-Octavia thing, but I felt it was an opportunity to exploit. Thanks for reading, I know I should have gone full letter format but I didn't have the time. Trend continues.

>>90847
[?]Is it really obvious who wrote this? [?] Thanks for commenting. Had to look up what Simply Rarity was, suffice to say it's now bookmarked ready for later.
>> No. 90875
File 133168260741.jpg - (80.08KB , 844x582 , 1313205522023.jpg )
90875
>>90847
>somepony liked something about my story

I would give feedback if I could, but I absolutely suck at wording what I'm thinking. It's not that they're too bad to find something concrete, or too good to find anything to say, it's just I can't exactly explain what it is I liked or disliked about them. I tend not to notice things if I'm not reading a story with a critical mind as my imagination kicks into gear and fills in whatever information I might need, so I end up not knowing for sure why I liked or disliked something.

About the only useful thing I can say is that while none of our stories are perfect, they each brought something to the table that the others lacked. Every one of your guys' stories had something different about it that made it enjoyable in a way that the other ones weren't, and I happily read through each and every one of them.
>> No. 90876
>>90822
>You could have said my story was terrible, gave it 0/5, 0%, and said it was the worst story in the competition, and I wouldn't have been offended.
If I said those, I'd be lying, because I don't think any of those. I apologize for offending you.

>>90840
>we have a week to read through all the stories. No rush there.
Unfortunately, I don't have a week. I can't do much more than skim. I would liked to have gone over all them thoroughly, but real life sucks. I have no defense for skimming besides that. I'm not going to vote unless I can actually read through all of them without skimming, and it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to do that in the next week.

I don't know much about alcohol's effects outside of what I see on television and the occasional frat boys outside my window, so I was talking out of my rear end there. Looks like my skimming of Benefits and Consequences led to me missing a lot of stuff. I do stand by what I said about A True Magician, though, since that's based on my view of the character.

>>90845
Your response is much appreciated, and I'll be sure to address those points when I revise the fic. Especially that second one.

>I'm not going to hold that against you too hard because of the given constraints.
I can only say that I hope you do so for all the stories if you vote. That score is higher than what I would have given it myself, though. I would have given my own story 2 and 1.5.

>>90855
That part about her past and its importance to the story made me label it a backstory. I actually thought this was after the events in Ponyville. Maybe "backstory" isn't the best word to use, but I can't think of anything more fitting. I do not have a diverse vocabulary. I haven't read a lot of Trixie backstories, though.

>>90872
I didn't think that she was out of character, and she seemed pretty consistent to me. I just thought that she was incredibly self-centered which made me not like her as a character. You made her antagonistic and angry when I think she should have been disappointed. Though, upon further reflection, Inky's actions do seem more believable.

>>90847
Glad to hear that you found it entertaining. I wrote the beginning and end first, then wrote the middle, which I ran out of time on. Of course, that is admittedly just an excuse.

I would like to have spent more time on this response, but like I said, real life sucks. Everything I've said is just the opinion of one reader--one who didn't read thoroughly, at that. Apologies to all.
>> No. 90884
I'm having a ball guessing who is who.

I'll report my accuracy once this is over.
>> No. 90890
>Chess is not my forte.

Understandable, but I tried to appeal to a wide as base as possible.

>The money issue seems to come from nowhere.

Out of all the possible critiques you could have chosen for plotholes in that story, you chose the one that had the most explanation and holds the most water. Perhaps you are a bit rusty? I mention on multiple occasions that it's caused by a running tab they've accrued plus the damage to cafe. There were so many other things you could have criticized: The biggest one being why they're playing chess in the first place. , but generally I would say that every story has plot-holes; it's just the amount of effort a writer goes through to make them not obvious, or in other words, maintain suspension of disbelief.

>And a bunch of other things don't seem to add up.

I won't ask you to explain. I know. Fiction is sometimes like that.

>The jokes are funny, but the writer seems to be trying too hard to be funny and making offhand jokes.

This was not initially intended to be a comedy, so the effort of "trying to hard" is either a complete accident, or I'm just not that funny. Either way, I'm fond of the narrative style where narrative description leads to mild humor. I would not classify this as a comedy per se, more of just a normal unassuming story.

>E.g. there isn't really a game of twits and the title seems unrelated. (Maybe I'm just projecting, though.)

To tell the full truth, I'm aware of this, but I liked the title too much to find something else more fitting.
>> No. 90897
>>90884
You probably won't be able to guess who I am, unless by power of deduction or some such.
>> No. 90904
>>90897
I know a single person who could do that, but I don't think he would bother himself in trying to find out.
>> No. 90910
>>90904
I doubt even they would be able to have enough information to do that, unless they frequented here and knew all of the participants or some such.

On another note, I'm going to take Creative Writing Fiction and Creative Writing Poetry next semester. I'm super duper excited! Anypony else a college student?
>> No. 90913
>>90897
>implying that there are methods outside of deduction
>> No. 90917
>>90913
There is extortion, subterfuge, torture, mind reading, wild guessing, and liver gazing (goats and horses are said to be best).
>> No. 90920
>>90917
Don't forget hacking.
>> No. 90921
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

(Remember to keep this visible, people)
>> No. 90926
File 133170700520.jpg - (168.57KB , 1600x1203 , 76057 - Nightmare_Moon artist zeiram0034 pose.jpg )
90926
Alright. Got critiques for everyone except myself. I tried to be realistic and objective. No numbers because I don't bloody feel like it.

A Case of You – Decent shipfic. Fluttershy x Berry Punch isn’t very common. There were some issues in perspective shifts from the frame story to the one Berry tells as well as some tense issues, but given a good polishing it could be good.

A Game of Twits – Really good. Solid plot structure, and an interesting premise. Criticisms: missing commas, certain areas get slightly telling, and the lack of describing the chess games disappointed me. You obviously have a wealth of knowledge of chess as evidenced by your correct naming of the openings and strategies (though I do deplore the fact that you didn’t bother to address the black responses, but we didn’t have a long time). All in all, one of the best so far.

A True Magician – Hmm, this is interesting. It is certainly a unique take on Trixie’s origins and life, but I don’t feel like there is a compelling conflict. The double think she has is amazing for a character, and could make a good story, but it doesn’t seem to be the conflict in this story. Certainly some potential, but it needs to either play up the double think or have some other conflict.

Benefits and Consequences – Good story. Nice plot, character, and mechanics. The idea of Twilight delving into dark magic and that sort of idea is really interesting to me. I kind of wish you had taken it darker, but it was still really good.

Call me, call me – I can’t honestly critique this. It didn’t manage to hook me (probably because I disliked Cranky even in canon) and I skimmed through it. Sorry.

Correspondence – I must say, I’m not a fan of the format, but it works for this. The thread through it is very well done, as are the renditions of the canon stories. Really good story, some ideas in the spoiler tag. The change in their names is quite interesting, but I don’t think you played it up right. Pinkie alternates between using Inky, Isabelle, and Octy. Inky uses Pinkie, Pinkimena, etc. You should really look at which names they would use as they wrote each letter, and the intimacy and/or closeness as they write them. Namely, some of the ones signed “Pinkimena Diane Pie” are oddly placed because Pinkie is really trying to be close to Inky.

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane – Well, you kill Bon Bon in the opening scene. And it works. The ending isn’t as dark as you hinted at throughout the story, and it kind of feels like you couldn’t think of a good ending. I do love the idea, but it seems like a darker ending, or one where her friends help her would be better. Outside of that, there are a few punctuation marks missing and some minor things that need polishing.

FLaSHBA-CK – I’m not sure what to say. It seemed a bit… lighthearted for the subject matter, but overall it was good. Not much to say here.

For the Love of All – The “written down journal” style didn’t work well for this. The main issue is the change from Fluttershy’s diaries to the investigator’s notes. That said, the diaries were very intriguing, but the notes were dreadfully boring, and would have bordered on bipolar ponies if it had been in a different format.

Harmony – Interesting concept. I certainly like the idea of the Elements having drawbacks. However, it isn’t a true fic, but rather more of a scene. I can’t really say much because it is a scene. There is no resolution, there is no overarching plot. It is simply the piece to something larger.

I Dream of Dasies – Certainly an interesting concept all the way around. However, I am still unclear of whose story it is. It could be either Rainbow’s or Daisie’s. The former is where the fic starts, and the latter is where it ends. Unfortunately, if it is Daisie’s story then it certainly lacks a definite resolution.

Minotamed – I didn’t particularly care for the episode, so I can’t say I enjoyed this too much. The bold font annoys the piss out of me. I can say it is a cute story, but not one I particularly care for myself.

Pieonic – Good story. Aside from the capitalization, tense, and phrasing issues it was good. Still, the mechanical errors were so constant that I’m not sure I can ignore them enough to rate this above “good.” Lots of potential here, though I expected a darker ending.

Piercing Octaves – Really solid idea. Outside of some formatting issues I really enjoyed it, until the ending. It seems rushed and honestly like you didn’t give a fuck about it. I mean really? Godmode was stupid enough by itself, but to actually make that sort of Michael Bay reference? You had a BRILLIANT story going, and ruined it with that ending. Shame on you. Go write a better ending now.

Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords – You know, I’m tempted to say you don’t understand the concept of a double-edged sword to be funny, but it is clear you do. The story had a lot of potential from the outset, but ultimately disappointed me. It is really just a retelling of A Party of One without the interest of the depression. Ultimately, a disappointing story that does little to redeem itself in the way of comedy.

Pinkie’s Panic – I’m not sure if you meant this to be TwiPie shipping, but it sounds like it. Regardless, a cute story. The panic attack is hard to see as a reader, and I’m confused by it. However, you did it fairly effectively so I can’t complain. If anything, the story doesn’t come off as particularly good or great.

Sword, Hammer, Stallion – Fun little story. Quite lovely in fact. I must admit, I’m a sucker for loss of innocence stories. The perspective shift near the end was subtle and well done, but it leaves me confused when you move away from Cross Tree (whose perspective you seemed to have switched to) and follow Reveille. Additionally, the subtlety with which you portray the relationship between Reveille and Opal is very well done, and perfectly developed for such a short piece.

The Ueton Game – Note: this is before I read much into it. You have AJ say “Them’s good eaten” and I feel compelled to share this story. In Florida, near the Atlantic, there are burrowing turtles. Now, they taste really good when cooked. So, my uncle was driving and ran across this lady stopping to help one of them pass. So he stops the car, gets out and asks if she is going to take it home and says “them’s good eaten.” She was appalled. He ended up standing there until she put the turtle in her car and took it home. Well, the story is irksome to say the least. It reminds me of Amnesia too much for its own good. Aside from that, I was never able to really feel the horror that AJ experiences in the maze. Aside from completely missing on the horror part, the ending was horrid. Yeah, they get to this spire and past every baddie (which is annoying because they are able to just skip by them) and it is very much “Oh hai, Nightmare Moon here, time to die” and then they use the classic excuse for winning a dream: it’s a dream! Do whatever you want! And that makes me think of the line from Inception “Dream a little bigger darling.” Ultimately, it could be darker. I may just be a sick fuck, but I’d like to see them descend into madness before winning, or not winning. I’d also like to feel the horror, to really see the atrocities. But, I’m starting to ramble on too long for a short critique.
>> No. 90930
>>90926
>>90847
Yeah, there's still a lot more of this story to tell. Time constraints had me put up in a bind, and I simply could not come up with a satisfying conclusion from the point I was at, so I decided instead to end with a bit of tongue-in-cheek that (I hoped) would read: "This is not the real ending."

>Outside of some formatting issues
Would you be able to expand on this?
>> No. 90932
File 133171162715.png - (123.21KB , 640x498 , 40744_nightmare_moon_trixie_nightmare_display.png )
90932
>>90930
You use indents for the vast majority of the piece, but some of your paragraphs that open scenes lack them. Consistency is necessary. That is all; a very minor issue that is easily fixed.

>time constraints
Heh, I understand those. My story just cut off where it felt most appropriate within the constraints. It certainly has a lot left to tell, and dark places to go. Also, I found some relevant pictures.
>> No. 90933
>>90932
Not indenting opening scenes' paragraphs is standard formatting. If you go to almost any published book you own, you'll see this. (I didn't believe it either until another pointed it out to me. It was quite enlightening.)
>> No. 90934
>>90932
It's actually proper to not indent the first paragraph of a section. Albeit this makes more sense when you aren't double-spacing the paragraphs, but still. It's not incorrect per se.
>> No. 90935
Damn ninjas.
>> No. 90936
>>90926
Would you be willing to give a deeper analysis of mine if I were to do the same for yours? I feel like my writing is perpetually stuck at 'mediocre,' and I want to get feedback so I can figure out what I'm doing wrong. I'm not sure how helpful I'll be, but I will make certain to give you as much feedback as I possibly can. I'd immensely appreciate it, but if you don't want to that's fine.
>> No. 90938
>>90936
I'll give it a go, but it may be a day or two since I have several things hanging me up (not writing or editing mind you, real life things I can't just ignore). As far as mine goes, don't feel pressured. If you want to, that's fine. But don't feel like you owe me anything.

>>90933
That is a bizarre rule. Also, the way bizarre is spelled is weird. I hate English, so weird.
>> No. 90939
>>90938
I'm guessing this format is used in published books because it takes up less lines than having markings like spaced and centered bullets. One empty line versus three, saving pages and whatnot.
>> No. 90942
>>90926

Well, it's definitely an idea I'll explore after the write-off is done. Alchemy has always been an intriguing subject to me.
>> No. 90945
>>90938
The rule makes sense if you think about the reasons behind indentation. To quote Robert Bringhurst: "The function of a paragraph is to mark a pause, setting the paragraph apart from what precedes it. If a paragraph is preceded by a title or subhead, the indent is superfluous and can therefore be omitted."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paragraph#Paragraph_breaks

In other words, there's no need to indent the first paragraph because you're not setting it apart from any preceding paragraph. It honestly looks quite ugly (I think) anyway.

Indentation in this fandom's fics have always rather irritated me, especially because everyone likes to use Tab to make ugly massive spaces instead of using GDoc's ruler or their word processor's paragraph settings to make smaller and more pleasing indents like the ones in published work. Also because indenting double-spaced work seems like massive overkill (although some prefer reading that way, so fair enough).

We had a topic about this a while back...
>> No. 90958
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

>>90926

Darn, well, thanks for taking a look at it anyway. I know you're not a fan of Cranky Doodle, but is there anything you think I could have done to make it more interesting?
>> No. 90966
>>90926
I'll just say right now, what came out in this contest was very much a pared-down version of the idea behind this story. I envisioned it as a long-form piece, and so it was necessary to cut a lot out, which I no doubt did poorly at. This will probably be where all the criticism stems from. I'll rewrite it after the contest is over.
>> No. 90969
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

Here's what I've read for tonight. No numbers, but I'm really thrilled with the turnout - quality has definitely gone up since last time, and I can't wait to see which entries turn out to be gems. Plenty of EqD-entry stuff, for sure. I'll try to finish the list in installments, but that depends largely on mood and school.

Harmony:
Could have done with more telling, actually. Sprinkling Discord's dialogue with expressions, twitches and general Discord-y mischief would have spiced it up a lot more, for me. Overall, while the narrative was tight and the piece overall polished, it's just there - it doesn't go anywhere satisfying.


Shadows:
The first half was a bit draggy. I'm not one for paragraphs of actions, but I found it easy enough to follow. Trixie being Celestia's daughter, however, was just too big a jump in logic. Like, really, what? Why is that even there? There were minor errors here and there, none of them too serious though.


Call Me, Call Me:
At least half of it consisted of long sentences that bordered on run-on. Even so, the descriptions were well-done, and gave me a good feel of the scene. Cranky's feelings, thoughts and memories played out wonderfully, and the way it addressed the prompt was very satisfying. It wasn't ambitious, but it was solid and relatable.


A True Magician:
Well, it was a Trixie redemption fic. I rather like how Trixie's redemption is based largely on her own reflections and decisions, rather than somepony else being the impetus for change, though that's just me. The prompt did not feel all that pivotal, though that's not a fault as much as personal preference. I guess I'm trying to say that it was pretty decent, not a bad read at all, and I can see how this fits the prompt even though it took a bit of thinking.


FLaSHBA-CK:
A few things annoyed me. A few words were missing here and there. Lyra being the one wanting to rush off when Bon-bon was the one emerging from Roseluck's house doesn't match up - wouldn't it be Bon-bon who wants to hide the secret, and hence rush off? I spent a while trying to figure out the rationale behind the events before giving up. That much being said, the idea is cartoony. It's been done in cartoons before, and you've retained that cartoony style and ending, which made reading this enjoyable. Good job, but could have been that little bit more better.


Sword, Hammer, Stallion:
Everything after the timber wolf encounter reminded me of "A Cup of Joe". I liked this one a lot. The setting had the right vibe to it, the characters likeable, every element coming together perfectly; need I say more? One thing, though: "You’re gonna go home scared to your moms" - not sure if missing apostrophe, or clever jab at f/f pairings in Equestrian society.


I Dream of Daisies:
First off-tangent thought: INCEPTION
That aside, I quite liked this one too. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that this is the contender for my first place alongside Sword, Hammer, Stallion. It was well-written, with only one error: "Compared images of the place" that offended; any other errors, if present, were lost with the plot. It was engaging, intriguing, and that ending had me nodding in approval. I don't like RD fics, generally, but when I do, it's one where the joint main character is one cool-as-heck OC.
>> No. 90970
>>90926
I'm going to be a facetious and say it was a "double-protagonist fic". HOW MANY POINTS DO WE RECEIVE?

The lack of resolution for Daisy was intentional. I'm rather a fan of stories that feel like they're part of something big and unexplained, which I understand aren't to everyone's taste.

That said, I'm tentatively considering writing about more of Daisy's adventures later on. Depends on how much material I can come up with.

>>90969
I'm surprised no-one brought that movie up earlier. Yeah, it was a pretty big inspiration, but I like to think I diverged enough by having Daisy be a psychologist of sorts rather than an organised criminal.

I'm really glad you enjoyed it as much as you did!
>> No. 90972
>Trixie being Celestia's daughter, however, was just too big a jump in logic. Like, really, what? Why is that even there?
It was meant to be one of the things Nightmare Moon uses to torture Trixie, and honestly it is going to come into play more as I expand it. Ultimately, it is the greatest Checkov's Gun I have in this as to the resolution, at least in a way. Besides, distorting headcanon is fun.

>>90970
>The lack of resolution for Daisy was intentional. I'm rather a fan of stories that feel like they're part of something big and unexplained, which I understand aren't to everyone's taste.
I am as well, but you have to give us something that has resolved, even if it is just her watching Dash walk out happily. If you had something like that, the ending would be beautiful.
>> No. 90982
>yo check it: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2012/03/fic-write-off-round-2.html

STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

>>90847
Second part!

A Game of Twits
>her first defeat at Twilight’s hands
>that much money on hand
>Twilight, on the other hand, was furiously scribbling notes. She raised her hand.
>Fluttershy could see Mr. Cake mentally process the information. He counted on his fingers,
Someone needs to write moar pone.

Cute story. Don't have very much to say about it, I'm afraid. I'm not sure what the double-edged sword was. Twilight seemed rather out of character with that outburst near the beginning---not that she wouldn't have an outburst, but I just think that it would be different and I didn't really get how "RARITY AM I BEAUTIFUL?" was supposed to fit into anything.


Shadows
If there's one fanfic plot I'm sick of, it's "what happens to Trixie after Boast Busters". That said, you get props for only having a small reference to the cliche that is "Trixie wants revenge on Twilight for ruining her life".

Like Echoes said in your FIMfic comments, this is a first chapter. It's all setup, which would be fine for a first chapter, but not for a finished story. Far as prompt relevance goes, your double-edged sword was introduced and discussed but not explored. I really feel that there needs to be more to this story, basically.

Celestia as Trixie's mother strains my disbelief a bit, but I can't say it ruined the fic for me.

Noticed a few misplaced commas here and there.


Sword, Hammer, Stallion
This is one of my favourites so far. Echoes definitely had a point about the disconnect between the tone of the show and the tone of this fic, but I can see seeds of how that might be intentional---ponies living on the border are more solemn and serious because they live dangerous lives and so the ponies in Ponyville/Canterlot/where-ever can be cheerful and care-free.

Good job with that section that leads the reader to believe Reveille died. I was mortified and then relieved.


The Uteon Game
Another fic with an obvious author. Some swapped around words and a few missing lines between paragraphs.

I find myself agreeing with Echoes's comments a lot in these reviews. I really enjoyed this story a lot, but it's sadly brought down by the Deus Ex Elements at the end. You really need to foreshadow this ability somewhere for it not to seem like a flank-pull. Maybe have the mane six summon some lesser objects, or manipulate reality with their friendship in some subtler way, I'm not sure.

I'm also a little confused about how introducing the other four to the game got Twi and AJ out of the maze. Maybe I missed something.

>Jacqueline Mercy Apple
Woah.
>Rainbow Elizabeth Dash
I've always prefered "Miriam"
>Fluttershy Thunderbolt Morningdew
lolshame

Overall, this is one of my favourites. Nicely done. I'm going to have to play The Binding of Isaac sometime.


A few general observations:
- My fic was about a dream. Piercing Octaves was about a game. The Ueton Game was about a dream that was a game. And both Pieonic and Shadows had subconscious/dream stuff in them. Neat how that happened.
- Pinkie got four fics, Twilight got four, Fluttershy got three, Rainbow got one, Applejack got one and poor Rarity didn't get any.
- Some very good stuff. I'm sure we'll be seeing a good few of these fics on EQD in the coming weeks.

>>90972
Hmm. Yeah, that probably would be a good idea. I think I'll do that after the competition.
>> No. 90998
>>90926
>>90847

My thanks for the comments.

I was really reluctant to think too hard about the prompt and came out with this clearly unoriginal idea instead, and it showed in the fic. I thought I already distanced myself enough from the Party of One episode to make this stand on its own, but it seems that wasn't enough. Oh well.

I guess I know who's the candidate for last place now, judging by the response. ^^

(Sorry, I don't really have time to do any reading this week, so I wish you guys all the best.)
>> No. 91029
File 133176242886.png - (2.06MB , 1385x1600 , 132459905907.png )
91029
I begin reading and adding my brief comments on FiMFic... now. I won't be holding back on any of these.

STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword
>> No. 91031
>>91029
meh
>> No. 91075
An idea for judges if you persist on that course of selection Rodger: ask some prereaders if they could take a break from prereading to judge. If they agree, it will bring a certain credibility from the public and interest.
>> No. 91079
Okay, I read them all. Took me the better part of the day but I've left a comment on every story. Going to put my vote up here. If anypony has any counter-comments to the comments I put up, either reply here or on Fimfiction. I've commented on my own story and put up a fake vote here to maintain anonymity because Fimfiction wasn't letting guests comment earlier for some reason.

So here have some arbitrary numerical values:
A Case of You: 8/10
A Game of Twits: 8/10
A True Magician: 7/10
Benefits and Consequences: 5/10
Call Me, Call Me: 7/10
Correspondence: 7/10
Creepy Doll from Down the Lane: 9/10
FLaSHBA-CK: 8/10
For the Love of All: 5/10
Harmony: 6/10
I Dream of Daisies: 9/10
Minotamed: 7/10
Pieonic: 7/10
Piercing Octaves: 6/10
Pinkie Pie Learns About Double Edged Swords: 8/10
Pinkie's Panic: 7/10
Shadows: 5/10
Sword, Hammer, Stallion: 10/10
Ueton Game: 9/10

Bear in mind I base these votes more on plot and characterisation than proper grammar despite pointing out any I noticed. I think the stories, as a whole, were a lot better than last time so congratulations to everypony.
>> No. 91084
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

>>90847
>>90926
>>91079
>>91029
I love the varied opinions so far - one finds the journals boring, the other finds them more interesting than the notes - but I agree with the criticism. Mine is definitely one of the weakest, though I'm glad I could bounce the idea off in here.

There is actually no plot, simply a sequence of events through blurred lens. Flutter's diary was a big worry for me, because I wasn't sure how much was too many was the limit. Then events happened, and the idea of Fluttershy wanting to continue jotting down things in such a high-stress situation was unacceptable, hence the jump to Brickbreak, White Wing's dad. While I liked how he turned out as a character, using the tell-heavy notes felt too cumbersome for me to stand, and I was running out of juice, hence the shoddy latter half.

Just to clarify, though,
>I feel like this was only written because a journal-format piece won last time
Nah. It was written this way because I had no other ideas left.

>Then her kindness got infectious
Sharing kindness, it's an easy feat
and magic makes it all complete

Thanks for the feedback so far!
>> No. 91086
>>90926
Thanks. It was literally a spur of the moment idea. I really could have planned it better but Mass Effect 3 stole my weekend. I only used the Pinkamena sign off once but you're right. It didn't really apply there, I don't know what I was thinking. Well I do, I wanted that one addressed to Isabelle to tell it was serious but then the letter degenerated into Pinkie ranting and the super serious signoff was pointless.

>>91029
Uhh... Thanks for reading. Care to elaborate? I'm glad you liked the idea, what exactly was off with the execution? Was it the fact it wasn't a true letter format? Or was it bad grammar? Was it not emotional enough?
>> No. 91094
I still have to go through Pinkie's Panic again, but I thought I might offer some thoughts to the critiques of my story.

>If there's one fanfic plot I'm sick of, it's "what happens to Trixie after Boast Busters". That said, you get props for only having a small reference to the cliche that is "Trixie wants revenge on Twilight for ruining her life".
>It was okay, nothing new. I mean this idea's been done to death really, even I've written something like this.
>Yet another "Trixie after Ponyville" story
Yes, it is cliche, but I tried to give an original spin. I'll address this more in a minute.

>this is a first chapter. It's all setup, which would be fine for a first chapter, but not for a finished story.
>This is a chapter one rather than a full story.
>Plus this suffers from first chapter syndrome. All fics should really be one-offs in this competition.
>a story that feels at best incomplete
I have long since acknowledged that time constraints forced me to cut this off, and I deeply regret it. I hope it has potential, because the expansion I envisioned takes a different path from most of the Trixie-after-Ponyville stories.

>Trixie being Celestia's daughter
>Just you completely destroyed all Trixie head-canon with that ridiculous back story. Celestia's child, really? I mean who in their right minds.
>Also, Trixie is Princess Celestia's daughter. What.
>Trixie being Celestia's daughter, however, was just too big a jump in logic. Like, really, what? Why is that even there?
This is an interesting criticism. Technically, there is no canon to disprove it, but I understand that it messes with peoples' headcanon. I wanted it to help characterize her, and why she acts like she does and has to be the best, but apparently I failed in that. Additionally, Nightmare Moon using it to torture her seemed brilliant. Ultimately, it was supposed to come into play later in the story.

So, to sum up the criticisms succinctly.
>cliche
>incomplete
>Trixie is Celestia's daughter

The first is really due to my plot structure (how else do I get her into the Everfree and around the castle?). The second is my most annoying flaw with it myself, and I intend to fix this. The last is a facet of the story I actually really like. I think it sets it apart, if stretches the suspension of disbelief, and is a technically valid interpretation of canon.
>> No. 91095
I just finished reading them all, and on the whole I'm impressed. Perhaps it was timing, perhaps it was the allotted time for writing, but these are far better than the last batch.

Well done, all!
>> No. 91106
>>91095

Thanks, although I saw you really didn't seem to care much for my fic. Is there anything you would suggest for making it more interesting when I revise it?
>> No. 91108
>>91106
It was too static for my tastes. What spurs his remembrance of her? What event sets him to reminiscing? Does his resolve or his character change at all at the end of the story?

In short: what is the point of this story?

Your story just sort of felt like filler in a longer work. Not much happened other than a character study, and that's fine, but having more happen in his present could help readers get more interested in him.
>> No. 91109
>"Gerundville", huh? Really? Really?
I take no responsibility for any aneurysms that name might have caused. :P

I was actually thinking of someone when I wrote this, and this name popped into my head.

>there were a number of errors that made reading this somewhat irritating at times.
Yes. Looking back, I suppose I could have polished this up better. :s

>I enjoyed this, only Pinkie could take that term seriously. Good call overall in fact.
Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.

If I get the time, I'd probably flesh it out more to prevent inevitable comparisons with Party of One.
>> No. 91114
The following is not an excuse or a justification for anything, just a note.

You already know what happens next. Consider the events of the episode with the knowledge you now have. Draw interesting new conclusions.
>> No. 91116
>>91108

Well...I would try to defend my work, but honestly it would be pointless; even if I have a good idea of why those things happened (and I could indeed answer every one of the questions you proposed), if it doesn't come through in the story then nothing I say matters. Besides, it's not like I should actually try to defend or clarify my work or anything while the contest is going on. If it has problems, it has problems, and no defending until the end.

I guess that's something I can fix in revision, maybe. I don't know.
>> No. 91119
>>91109

I think someone has it in for me.
>> No. 91121
If anypony hasn't read my story and don't wish for plot discussion until after they've read it, feel free to skip this monstrosity.

>>91095
Thank you for the feedback!

>Ending being unsatisfactory
I'm assuming that was the biggest flaw you cared to mention, not that it was the only thing wrong with it?

Anyway, the reason the ending feels like an afterthought is because, well, it was. The story idea came to me Saturday afternoon, and I didn't even begin writing until less than 24 hours from the deadline. I basically went from "Yay I'm typing a story about ponies," to "Oh gods how do I resolve this I have a few hours left and no idea where I want the story to go ohgodohgodohgod." I really just went with the first thing that popped into my head. I knew that I wanted Twilight to be the one to help her, because, in my mind, she went through the same thing. I just didn't know how to get there and ended up half-assing it, which made the story suffer. I think my worst idea was omitting the research scenes. I actually wanted Pinkie to spend several days working with Twilight and slowly coming to realize that Twilight is somepony she could trust, then confide in her about the panic attack and her feelings.

I'm pretty comfortable with coming up with story ideas and writing out everything up to whatever point I come up with, I just don't have much practice writing satisfactory conclusions. My ideas almost never make it that far before I either throw it out because I realize it's horrible or get distracted by shinier plot bunnies. I think one of these days I'm going to come up with several different scenarios and write out the final scenes or something like that.

>To 108Echoes
I had the sneaking suspicion that I didn't do the greatest at getting to Pinkie's breakdown. I think it's due to my rustiness at working with a third person narrator, as almost all of my stories have been in first person. I usually don't have an issue with not spending enough time letting the reader feel the build up for a character doing something, but I guess I just choked. That, and my well of ideas as to what all would lead up to her breakdown kind of ran dry as worry about the deadline grew.

For the prompt connection, I thought I had Twilight just outright say it, but I guess even that didn't work. I did mean for it to be that Twilight went through a double-edged sword by way of her love for studying, and Pinkie is going through a double-edged sword by way of spreading herself out between everypony and never really getting very close to any of her friends.

As a final note, the ending is actually not meant to be Pinkie and Twilight shipping. I just wanted to close with a simple display of affection...
>> No. 91124
sage because double post? By the time I finish typing, I doubt it will be though.

>>90938
Aw snap. Alright then, I'll totally dig through yours in the meantime.

First I wanted to start off by saying that don't let the people complaining about "oooh, it's Trixie again" discourage you from anything. From a much larger viewpoint, everything's been done to death already in countless ways. The whole reason we have archetypes is that things have occurred so often that we've went and gave it a name when something really similar happens in different plots. People started writing a whole bunch of Trixie fics because she was a glimpse into a larger character, and she played off a few personalities we've seen before. People got all excited thinking about where she came from, why she did everything she did, and where she would go after the fiasco. I could just as easily go "Oh god, I wrote another story about Pinkie. We have so many of those!" because we do. It's all about putting your own personal interpretation of the characters into the story and telling it in a way that other people can enjoy hearing your ideas.

So, getting off that tangent and on to your story, the spin you've put onto Trixie is really bold. Having her be the Princess' daughter is something I've honestly never seen before. It gave some interesting things to think about. Did she know about Twilight beforehand, and went to Ponyville with the intention of proving to herself and to Twilight that she was better suited for Celestia's affection? Was Twilight really the worst thing that had happened to Trixie, or was there some deep scarring conflict between her and Celestia that resulted in her leaving the royal life? I like that you've taken this new direction for Trixie, but you don't do much with it. You show us that Trixie is greatly shaken by Nightmare Moon's scene, but why? Why does Trixie care so much about proving herself? Why should she drive herself to the ends of Equestria performing magic tricks when she could just as easily redeem herself in the eyes of and reconcile with Celestia?

You then work in a scene about Trixie's fiancé. I thought that, going into this scene, you would shed some light on some things about Trixie's lineage, but it raised more questions on its own; especially with the use of Moondancer. I can understand that you'd want to use a pony that we would be able to recognize but still have no headcanon formed about so you could morph her personality into whatever you wanted to fit with Trixie. However, we don't really know why Trixie would save her friend over her lover.

The story itself is pretty good, and I would enjoy seeing how Twilight is challenged by things. The only thing I don't like about stuff involving Nightmare Moon is that the Elements of Harmony are the canonical de facto solution to everything. I can enjoy the ride, and I can think of a few ways you could keep the elements away for a while and be entertaining and interesting, but I know that sooner or later the elements show up and their power saves the day. Your story seems to be lacking a solution though; it's as the other reviewers have stated, you've gone and set up a very good first part or chapter to a story, but in the scope of this competition, you need to aim for a short, complete story. That's probably the biggest flaw with your story; it isn't a complete one. I'd be interested in knowing where the story would go after Trixie leaves the castle, but the castle scene on its own doesn't make for a very good stand alone tale.

I can see that you were going for the double-edged sword coming through in that Trixie's efforts to prove herself to Celestia are are only making things worse and leading Trixie towards being forsaken, but I'm not sure too many others are going to be able to pick up on your meaning. That's merely my guess, so feel free to tell me I'm wrong, but that's what I get after listening to Nightmare Moon's explanation about why they are alike, and the two torture scenes. Again, it comes back to your story not being complete. Normally, the double-edged sword connection can be understood through what problems arise, how they affect the character, and how everything is resolved. In yours, we're left trying to piece together the whole puzzle without all of the pieces. You aren't a bad writer by any means; you did a good job keeping the overall feel of Trixie while injecting your ideas, and your grammatical errors are not very distracting from the story. I just think that the idea you've gotten laid out in this fic isn't something that you could finish off in one short story. I feel like this is something that could potentially take five parts or more to get through.

Overall, it was an interesting first part, but it wasn't something that can stand on its own. It raises too many questions that don't get answered, and there's no ultimate conclusion. Yet, you have an interesting premise for Trixie's character, and the plot seems like something you could do interesting things with.

I think that's about it. If you have any questions or have something else you want me to talk about, feel free to say so. Any of the other entrants, if you consider my opinions worth listening to, feel free to ask my thoughts on your stories as well.
>> No. 91170
File 133183701575.jpg - (24.27KB , 1280x720 , blurryasfuck.jpg )
91170
These were just my thoughts reading them, I'm not a very good reviewer and I kind of suck at this, so please keep that in mind...

A Game of Twits:
I really enjoyed this just because it was so much like the show itself. It was predictable, and I knew it would be Luna almost as soon as the Queen character was introduced, but that still didn't stop me from feeling a little surprised I was right and then feeling all smug about it afterwards. I liked way you wrote Fluttershy and Twilight, they were perfectly in character and generally the characters were probably the piece's strongest area. I also really enjoyed the way you did the chess matches themselves, and it was also a funny coincidence because I'm reading through a series of short stories by Kurt Vonnegut right now and I'd just read one about chess called 'All The King's Horses'. (Although it's... pretty different in almost every other respect...)
But yeah, I really enjoyed it, and I'm not just saying that.


A True Magician:
Okay, so it doesn't win many points for originality; it is a theme that's been done before. But, I think that this is one of the better sad Trixie stories I've read, and it did actually make me feel sad, which is great. The beginning felt a little shaky and wasn't a great hook, but it definitely recovered afterwards and it did leave me feeling emotional. Okay, so maybe I'm easily manipulated and sadfics pretty much always get me, but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it! And really, that's the purpose of fanfiction in general, right?

Benefits and Consequences:
This was a longer piece, so I didn't really think that much about the typos and slips, but there were enough to significantly distract me. Otherwise, some of the dialogue felt a little flat and I kind of expected what was going to happen, but it was still pretty fun to read. Spike's illness was an effective hook, at least for me, but when it was solved so easily I knew how the rest of the story was going to go down. Also, the way you actually slipped 'Double-edged sword' into the dialogue just to make it clear that you were following the prompt felt like you were worrying too much that your story didn't make it clear enough, and that threw me off a bit. Even though I have a lot to say, I did enjoy reading it, and I never felt like skipping onwards throughout the entire thing, so it's just a few little problems that I get the feeling arose out of the time constraints.

Call Me, Call me:
This made me sad too... If I had to choose which made me sadder, the previous Trixie one or this, I don't think I could decide. The use of imagery connected to the scrapbook was genius, and I really liked the way you described his travels all of Equestria. Damn, I don't have much criticism to say on this one, it was very, very good.

Correspondence:
Funny, I was reading about epistolary novels a few days ago. I really liked this, probably because I like the idea of Inky/Pinkie being relatives and stuff, and also because I had never thought of the Gala incident like that. It was really fun to read, especially since I knew that Pinkie was never going to be able to attend any of Inky's things. It took me a while to realize what the italic sections were, but it was fun when I did finally realize so that was good. However, there were quite a few syntax errors and things which I'm guessing came from the time constraints and some of the letters sounded quite OOC, which did detract me a little. I still had a lot of fun reading it though, good job!

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane:
Damn. Very, very good, almost slow-clap territory if it hadn't had a few little problems:
-Lyra took it really easy at the start, didn't she? Especially when the doll was talking, I imagined she would be crying and screaming: 'Whoever's doing this, this is a horrible prank and you're a horrible pony!'
-The title made me think this was going to be a comedy, so I came into it with the wrong mood. I'm guessing you're referencing Jonathan Coulton's 'Creepy Doll'? Still, even with the title I was listening to 'Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space' by Spiritualized, and that made me feel very sad :(
-Ending was a little bit strange, not how I'd thought it would go.
But anyway, that was very, very good. I'm an LyraBon enthusiast so I guess I'm the perfect reader for this, but still, this really made me feel. Awesome. Thank you.


FLaSHBA-CK:
Awesome. Nice break from the emotional ones that have been toying with my heart for the last few hours. I like the idea a lot, and I really love Colgate's character; she felt like some thought had actually been put into her to make her unique. I didn't like the way you made your characters say 'double-edged sword' because as I said in Benefits and Consequences, it feels like you're not confident enough in your own abilities or your readers' intelligence to figure out which part of your story fits the prompt. Other than that, there were a few weird sentences and typos which were obviously accidental and a result of the time constraints. Overall, very fun to read and refreshingly lighthearted!

For the Love of All:
Slow clap.
Amazing concept, great execution, fantastic world-building, completely original and to top it all off, it was a thumping great read.
My only complaint is that you're changed my Fluttershy headcannon against my will, so subconsciously I'm always going to be thinking about this story whenever I write Fluttershy from now on. I hate you. And I love you.
(KIND OF LIKE A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD C WUT I DID THAR?)

Harmony:
I liked this because it didn't really tell a story- It was more of an explanation of a concept through a narrative, with a little bit of sister relationship exploration mixed in there. (What a mouthful) This was a really interesting and unique take, and I liked the ending very much. Not much else I can say, other than you get lots of point for originality. Very interesting, I'll be mulling this one over for a long time, I think.

I Dream of Daisies:
First off... You needed to go deeper.
I'm sorry, you can track me down and slay me now, I couldn't resist. But really, this was an amazing story which had me hooked until the very end. I would happily read a novel-length fic on Daisy Dreams, it was so good. It definitely achieved the Inception-vibe, although I'm not sure if that's simply because anything to do with dreams I now measure up to that film. (In my humble opinion, it's a modern masterpiece.) It really was great fun to read, and it didn't feel rushed or forced at all. I can see a lot of care and effort went into this, it really shows. I think... this might be my favorite so far.(Although it's very hard to decide! You guys are all so good!)

Minotamed:
Cool! I really liked the motto and it git the prompt like a glove! I've only seen three of the first episodes of season two so far though, so I'm afraid the Iron Will character was completely new to me. Great take on the prompt, fun concept, well executed! No big complaints, either!

Pieonic:
I hope I wasn't the only one who changed Pinkie's voice into Morpheus' when she spoke the reference! After that, I started saying things like 'there is no bowling-ball' to myself and I felt very silly. (I also said 'we're in the loading program' when Twilight asked where she was...)
I found myself thinking that Twilight and Pinkie felt OOC sometimes, but then Pinkie was deliberate so it's not that much of a problem. There were a few simple mistakes but I guess that was the time restraints again. 'The cost of her humanity' was probably the most jarring one, along with it's/its confusion and un-capitalized I's. The idea was very cool, and the resolution was awesome, but it felt like it just needed a little more polish and fleshing-out to hit the 'amazing' mark. (The important thing is that it definitely has the potential to.) The party ending felt like a little add-on which really didn't serve much purpose without being fleshed-out more, but this was still really great! Good job!


Piercing Octaves:
At the beginning, I kept thinking of Tron: Legacy and Spy Kids 3 (What is it with all these movies today!?) and that wasn't a bad thing. But Scratch playing a keytar? Really? I was expecting a PaceMaker! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRZEmdt-K9E) or at least a Teenage Engineering OP-1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkQ5rEJaTmk&ob=av2e)! (I'm just kidding, I know they'd needlessly over-complicate things.)
The concept was either awesomely original or copied. I'm going to go with the first, but the Micheal Bay reference made me think that you just watched The Island and twisted the plot a little. It even copies the film's confusing-ness at the start, which if you thought of yourself deserves mad props. Frederick felt OOC from my headcannon but hey, that's my headcannon. Also the use of 'bloody' made me read their voices in English and Australian accents. Apart from all that, the pacing was great, it was executed well and it was a gripping read!


Pinkie Learns About Double-Edged Swords:
Cute! If there was an episode which was made to fit the prompt, I'm sure it would go like this. You hit the nail on the head with characterization, and the only complaint I have was that some of the transitions felt too abrupt, but that was probably just due to the time constraints. Other than that, I have nothing much else to say, it was fun to read!

Pinkie's Panic:
Interesting. It's an interesting take on a very well-explored theme. I did find myself thinking that some of it was strange though. The mane six were chosen as Elements of Harmony because of their amazingly strong bond of friendship, why would Pinkie be longing for an even closer friend? It felt like you were trying to allude to Pinkie being in need of someone to have a romantic relationship with, but the ending didn't really show this. In the end the story left me with the message: 'The others aren't good enough friends with Pinkie and now she has a proper friend,' which I found hard to swallow. I think this would have been much more effective as a soft shipping story. Otherwise some of the sentences were kind of awkward, but overall it was solid in construction. Just the purpose didn't feel very clearly thought-out. Still a very strong entry, though!

Shadows:
Damn! This was the biggest tease ever. It's like a proposition for a story, and the story being proposed is a very, very cool idea. Trixie being Celestia's offspring did throw me off a little though, at first I thought it might be a fantasy. There were a few errors here and there that I guess were because you didn't get enough time to proofread. Otherwise this was really interesting, and would serve as a great hook for a much longer novel! Awesome!

Sword, Hammer, Stallion:
God.
Damn.
Flawless victory. Damn. I'm really speechless. That was fantastic. Not only does it follow the prompt to a tee, it left me with a touching message. It might have even changed my opinion on armed forces a little, that's how much this touched me. (I'm still going to call the CCF murder club, though.) But seriously, that was crazy good. The bit where he's having fun with his wooden sword on the hill gave me Zelda: TWW flashbacks and damn, nostalgia'd so hard. I really have no complaints with this, I'll leave that to someone who can actually critique properly... but wow. Amazing. This... just toppled Daisies for my personal first place. Amazing.


The Ueton Game:
Interesting. Very original idea, and the execution was pretty good. My only problem was that it all felt very sudden, probably because of the time constraints. We suddenly find out the Twilight has been playing this crazy game for x years and Applejack needs to play it too. It also felt weird that Applejack didn't get more pissed with Twilight... I mean, up until they formulate a proper plan to beat the game, surely from where she is it looks like she's stuck, and is probably going to die because of it? It also felt kind of comedic at times, like when Applejack was collecting things and they would just disappear, (again, Zelda flashbacks) which didn't really have to happen. Basically, the idea was a little too ambitious to finish in a weekend. I think that if it was a little longer and took its time building things up, it would be really great. Right now it's still pretty awesome, it's just I feel there's a lot of wasted potential. It was also weird how the game changed from organized dungeon thingies to an open field when they all went in, because it just felt like you ran out of time and had to resolve it quickly instead of having them defeat more dungeons together. Overall it was still great, and a strong contender, but could have been even greater.

I want to thank everyone who participated in any way, this really helped me fight my writers' block. It was a very last-minute thing for me, I had an idea in my head for something that I had wanted to write for some time, and since it kind of fit the prompt, I went ahead with it. I haven't been able to write much for a long time, mainly just because of motivation issues, but this really helped.

I had lots of fun reading every single story, and they were all great. I don't think anyone who entered shouldn't feel proud of their work, every single one of these are commendable. Of course, some are better than the others, but they're all at a very high-standard to begin with. I'm already looking forward to the next one: next time I'll actually prepare and allocate some time to it proper!

It's been an honor, mentlegen!
>> No. 91198
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

>>91170

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. You don't think it was too manipulative, do you? Emotionally, I mean.
>> No. 91200
YEAH AND COMMENTS AND STUFF APPRECIATED, GUYS
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

>>91198
Oh, don't worry, I love being manipulated like dough. I'm weird like that.
Why do you think I write about suicidal, alcoholic ponies?
>> No. 91207
>>91170
I guess I just never thought about the Elements that way. To me, the reason these six ponies are the Elements is that they embody a certain aspect that friends should value, and together they're strong. However, I haven't gotten the feeling that any of the six are very close to each other on a personal level. At least, none of them have been comfortable discussing their issues. Applejack even abandoned them because she thought they wouldn't understand, and only told them the truth when they discovered she was lying about it. Sure, they're great friends, but from everything I've gathered watching the show, they aren't as close as the friendship I'm trying to say that Pinkie's missing. That's another thing that I know I need to show, how Pinkie interacts with everypony in town and how she interacts with her six closer friends. I believe she holds them in higher regard than the rest of the ponies she knows, but none of them have the same level of relationship that, say, Twilight shares with Spike. Perhaps the show is heading in that direction, and maybe that's the only way they can truly live up to their potential as the Elements, but as of now, they just don't seem that close to me.
>> No. 91271
>>90840
No rush?! What are you talking about, man? A week! A mere! Single! Week!
>>90876
>> No. 91278
>Pinkie's Panic - more in depth
I can't go full on analysis like I have to do for published novels, but that is only due to a lack of time to really sit down and break this down (usually takes several hours).

So, going through it I'm going to point out some certain things.

- I understand that you don't see their friendships in this way, but that should be better shown in the story. Not much to elaborate on here. Explain in story so you don't have to in comments. Makes sense no?
- Dialogue modification is lacking in parts. It helps show me what the characters are feeling. People (and by extension ponies) don't speak in flat tones, so don't have them speak like Vulcans.
- Expansion. I know I'm not exactly the one to talk about this, but several bit should be expanded here. Especially her interactions with her friends, since that is the crux of the idea, and is so inadequately explored.
- Why no Rainbow Dash? She is probably the pony Pinkie is closest to, so why not use that to show how close they really are? It would ramp up the effectiveness of the whole "Yeah they're friends, but not actually that close" idea.
>> No. 91279
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword
>> No. 91307
>>91278
I don't mind, anything is still useful!

I hadn't realized the dialogue is off, but now that I'm looking at it again, I see what you mean. I'll be able to fix those parts up either by eliminating them or altering them when I revisit this story. I also agree about Dash, I just hadn't any idea at the time how to work her in. I'm thinking that I should have had Pinkie feeling out of touch with everypony over the course of two or three days, in order to show more effectively that she doesn't feel very close to them.

I think I had some other things I was going to say but I forgot what they were... Thank you for your time!
>> No. 91308
>>91271

Was there something I said that made you want to pick me first? Nevertheless, you found a good number of errors that people here will no doubt ridicule me for, since I ought to know better. I'd like to know whether or not you like it though, grammar corrections only do so much for me. But, you were nice enough to give a review of sorts, so I might as well respond.

>Man, you're not suppose to capitalize "the" when it precedes the Black Queen's name. Unless you're Ezn, you nonconformist.

The general implication I was trying to give was that it was a title, not a character name. The Rolling Stones is a good example of how "The" is capitalized for being part of a title. It's generally unruly, and I probably should have cut it.

>The f1bishop? The g1 knight? Make up your mind -- do the names have spaces, or do they not have them?

Technically they shouldn't, but in subsequent revisions they will for the sake of being easier to read.

>And does "How-to-Read" really need to be hyphenated?

Probably not, but it's the title of the genre, so I'll roll with it.

>Now, don't be mocking Apple Bloom's accent. Y'all have, not has

I've lived in the south too long, as it seems.

>Accrued a tab of five hundred bits' worth of back-pay and made small fillies cry.

This is pretty much the only piece of advice that I have issues with. The part about "bits'" is correct, yet the "of" was omitted purposely. People do talk like that. I'm not sure why you recommended another "and" because it's pretty obvious that she's making a list.

>Cannon.

Goddammit.

>Laughable! The word you want is "genteel", my good man.

I thought of numerous jokes to make about this particular slip-up, but couldn't find anything that wouldn't come across as anti-Semitic.

The word is technically correct in its usage meaning "pagan" [spoiler] but you're right that's not what I intended. Still, I might just leave it in there just for giggles.

>Most, rather than least, and follow "precent" with the word "likely".

Nope, I meant what I said. >23% Your advice changes the meaning.

>I'd opt for "include" instead of "contain".

Not sure why. Seems like a pointless word swap. I guess you just didn't like the dual "con" words, but I rather like the sound.
>> No. 91309
>>91308
>The general implication I was trying to give was that it was a title, not a character name. The Rolling Stones is a good example of how "The" is capitalized for being part of a title. It's generally unruly, and I probably should have cut it.
Generally, I find that it is capitalized if it is part of the name/title. It isn't The Eiffel Tower, but it is The Rolling Stones because it is part of the band name. The question is do you want the "The" to be part of her pseudonym.
>> No. 91311
>>91308
Not a pointless word swap, but an important meaning thing. Something contains its contents - unless a container is full of smaller containers, its contents cannot themselves contain things.

>>91309
Which is what I told >>91271 when last this came up. =P
>> No. 91313
>>91311

>Not a pointless word swap, but an important meaning thing. Something contains its contents - unless a container is full of smaller containers, its contents cannot themselves contain things.

An upstairs area contains a subsection of rooms. Multiple rooms may invariably contain the described characters.

Contents:
a.
something that is contained: the contents of a box.

Contain:
a. to hold or include within its volume or area: This glass contains water. This paddock contains our best horses.

The subject is the upstairs area, the contents of the upstairs (i.e. the rooms) contain the characters. Arguably, the "contents" section could be omitted entirely, but I'm perfectly willing to argue over the semantics with you.
>> No. 91317
>>91313
Eh, fair enough. I can admit when I'm wrong. I'm mainly against the phrase because I don't like how it sounds.
>> No. 91367
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword
>> No. 91413
Everyone else threw in their input concerning their thoughts and feelings while reading the stories, so I thought that I'd do the same too. I read all of the stories before but since it's been nearly a week since then, I had to reread them again in order to formulate an idea of what I wanted to say. Although I remembered the basic gist of many of the stories, I ended up forgetting many of them. Sowwies.

I did find that many of the entries were a step up from the last write-off, and I'm glad to have read these write-off entries. Even if I didn't remember them 100%, they're a part of me now and I can always call back on them in times of need. Here we go! They won't all fit, so I'll just make sporadic posts throughout the day.

A CASE OF THOU

So Berry is telling a story to the barmare where she's telling a story to Pinkie Pie. Storytellception?

Reading through this story, this is definitely a sadfic. A story of love and of loss. Was this the kind of love you wanted? Would you rather be loved, even if it was a lie? Considering what happens in the end, won't the end result be the same anyway? Won't Fluttershy be sad and end up blaming herself? I don't see how killing herself now would be much different than doing it later on accident (due to her dependence on it apparently) The ending was a bit of a shock and very sad. How dare you!

Normally her fanon interpretation is of a happy drunk, but here, she drinks because of something that happened in the past, hence the reason why many alcohols drink. I'm glad that you gave hints as to what that was, but did not outright tell us. Many times, stories give you the reasons for why something happened and readers might go "That's a stupid reason." I agree with the other guy that what matters now is the present, not the past, so over-explaining the backstory would have been a bad thing.

This story was very sad in the way that one wonders if they love someone enough, would it still be worth it if it was forced?

I've never seen a Berry Punch x Fluttershy ship before, so it was kind of interesting. I did find it weird that Fluttershy would be in a bar but that's just my headcanon.

From the way the barmare talked, I thought she was in love with Berry. Which sounds like a slap to the face to her because during the flashback, Berry didn't feel loved when the barmare tried to cheer her up, but she did by Fluttershy? Why is that? If I had to guess, it's the line where she smells like freshly baked bread, which is probably something related to her sister.

I wish I knew why she was crying or drank so much in the first place but due to the ending, I'm inclined to believe it has something to do with her sister. Perhaps Berry feels regret over something that happened, so she blames herself. Drinking alcohol is simply a coping mechanism.

As far as I can tell, she comes back to the bar because she didn't want Fluttershy's love if it was forced, as per her nature, then the flashback/telling her story to the barmare happened, and then finally ending with her death.

I thought the perspective shift was jarring as well but I do see the reason behind it. Since that part of the story was actually a flashback (I didn't realize this until rereading the story a second time), that explains why she started talking about herself. Of course, since the story started from the point of view of the barmare, that's why everyone has a problem with the jarring shift, because at the end, we start slipping into Berry Punch's mind (After Berry finished her story). The first time I read this story, I totally missed the perspective shift. Derp on me. I didn't notice until I read the second time and was actively looking for stuff to comment about.

More notes: It also seems rather coincidental for her to get drunk, tell a story, and immediately die right after she finishes. For some reason, I can't take a story as seriously anymore when I see the words "clop" and "clopping" in it. Because of the connotation that the fandom has given it, it makes me think of something else and brings me out of the story. But that's not your fault. Just wanted to let you know because some reader's minds might jump to something else. (Curse my dirty mind!)

Few quick questions:

In the beginning of the story, it says that Berry hasn't been at the bar for a long time. But it looks like Berry only skipped one day and then went to the hospital. Right after she got out, she went straight home. Does this mean that "a long time" was only three days? If her body needed alcohol, why didn't she feel anything until Fluttershy pointed it out to her? Was Berry mistaking her feelings of love for addiction symptoms or something?

When Pinkie Pie is talking with Berry, Berry mentions that Fluttershy came with her friends. So why doesn't Pinkie remember Berry talking with Fluttershy? Was she not there or did Pinkie overlook it? If Pinkie has a good enough memory to befriend every single pony in Ponyville as well as remember their birthdays, I think that she'd remember this too, but that's just my headcanon. I wonder why her friends went to the bar in the first place? Not that you should tell us obviously, but I'm just curious.

I feel like the relationship seems a bit rushed since they only met once, but I feel that way about many shipping stories. How can you fall in love with someone so easily? Is that all that love is? Are you sure you're not just confusing love with something else, like infatuation? I like it when shipping stories are stretched out a bit, when it actually takes time for the relationship to develop. Of course, I'm not sure how that would have worked here due to the time limit and the fact that Berry already had a time limit and wouldn't have had enough time to explain before she passed away. Even if she did, then what? She didn't change the way she kept drinking for Fluttershy, so it obviously wasn't a big enough motivator for change. It seems less than "love" and more like a crush simply because someone reached out to her because they care enough. Which brings it back to the barmare, she tried to comfort Berry but it didn't seem like Berry even cared. Heart, why must you make us fall in love with people who don't like us yet not for those that actually care?

Anyhoo, I'm not sure where I'm even going with this, I just like talking about things. I did enjoy reading this story though, even if it made me teary-eyed.


A GAME OF TWITS

I'd go ahead and say that "A Game of Twits" would be tagged with comedy. I loved how the story was set-up to make you think that Twilight and Fluttershy would get 2nd and 3rd because of the bill and the prize for bits, but then end up completely different anyway. Whether that was because you ran out of time and had to rush the ending or if it was planned ahead (I know it wasn't). I'm not sure what the word is exactly, but it's when you think someone is going to happen, but then something different and unexpected does (Que M. Night Shamalyan's Tweest).

I thought Twilight's random line of "Am I beautiful" was funny as well as the entire scene with Twilight playing chess with the fillies. When one of them randomly started crying, it was like "What?" Then you realize how daaww inducing it was due to the mental imagery. I thought this story was a good one-shot. I thought the jokes were funny, but then again, I laugh at most things unless they are really, really bad. Interesting premise too.

Just by reading through, you can tell the author had a lot of knowledge about chess. There's no one you'd know this stuff unless you did a lot of reading up or studying if you didn't already know it. Considering we had a time limit, I believed it was because they already knew it beforehand. The use in the story seemed simplified enough, probably intentional as not to bog down the readers with tons of terms they don't understand.

For some reason, I thought the Black Queen would be Celestia just to spite the readers in a twist, but when she started talking, I immediately thought of Luna. It was pretty hilarious how Pinkie immediately knew who Luna was but the other two (Twilight and Fluttershy) didn't.

I'm glad that you didn't try to pull a fast one and make the Black Queen lose. Many stories love to make the heroes win everything but it's not realistic for that to happen. (Yea, I know it's a cartoon).

I mean that people that just started playing can improve but there's no way they can win unless the person they're playing against wasn't taking them seriously. But that has nothing to do with the story, so I digress.

Interesting twist making them play each other, thus throwing a fork into their earlier plans of hitting 2nd and 3rd. I'm glad you decided not to write out the last game because the whole point of the story was to have fun, not to win. Telling us who the winner was would have undermined that.

As a last note: Twilight would totally be a chess player, especially with all of the books she probably has on them.

Anyhoo, looking forward to reading another story from you someday, if you ever choose to write one. This was one of my favorites.


A TRUE MAGICIAN

A True Magician is about someone that runs through their life, going through the motions, and wonders why they've chosen the life they did. But eventually, they find a bit of redemption in the end.

This story sounds like it could have happened before or after Boast Busters, I'm not really sure. I'm not quite sure if it's a sadfic or not. I can see the battle between her actions and her thoughts at least, but it sounds more like a "normal" tag would fit here. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I agree that the beginning didn't seem to be a great hook but I see where it was going later on in the story. The ending did feel a bit rushed in how she changed her mind but perhaps that's just me. Unfortunately, I'm left feeling that it's a bit too short somehow. I'm not sure why. I wish I knew how to explain.

I can understand how this Trixie is a bit different than the normal fanon interpretation of Trixie though. I'm not sure how to feel about Trixie thinking everyone else is stupid but I'm just going to pretend she only does that because she thought of herself as stupid (before she found out the truth). It sounds like she's beating herself up because she admired something and later found out it was a lie. She lost her faith but since she spend so much time perusing how to perform magic, she just went along with using it to her advantage. But despite how she feels, perhaps she's just rationalizing to herself and even though it's been many years later (I'm assuming), she's still berating herself for being gullible.

Even though there wasn't conflict with outside forces, having a force of will battle with herself can still be compelling. I'd like to read more. The resolution felt short, but that may have been due to time constraints. I know everyone dealt with that little issue themselves (time). If the story was longer and the conflict was stretched out, maybe I'd feel a bit more closure. I'm not quite sure what it is. Let me try to ask a few questions to see if I can clear something up. Is this really the first time somepony walked up to her as a fan? Did someone admire her before but she pushed away their complements because they were older? (Because apparently she changed her mind after seeing the young filly, but not all at once)

Also, at the ending, Trixie wakes up from a long night's sleep, dreams rush back to her, and then she goes right back to sleep?

I'm also a bit curious as to how this Trixie's personality would handle the aftermath of Boast Busters, but that's just me. Unless this isn't her backstory and it is the aftermath. There's nothing that confirms or denies which period of time it's in.

Let's see. If it was after Boast Busters, then is that why she suddenly thinks everyone is stupid? Because when forced to use real magic, she couldn't compete? When someone actually talented at magic appeared, she realized that her "magic" was nothing at all. If that was the case however, then Trixie didn't learn anything in Ponyville. She simply moved on and continued doing what she did before. Is that why she doubts herself or this was just an aftermath after finding out the truth in her past and she just held it for all these years?


I can't help but want to read another Trixie story now. Back before I came to Ponychan, I read a story called "Kindness's Reward." It was a beautiful story, but I read it before I knew any better. I'm afraid of going back, reading it, and finding out that it wasn't as amazing as I'd thought. Nostalgia and all that. That goes for many stories really.
>> No. 91441
Have some more thoughts!

BENEFITS AND CONSEQUENCES

I think that the idea of alchemy is a unique one and I don't really recall that many (besides Zecora) that uses the idea. The execution leaves a bit to be desired though as there was lots of word repetition as well as repeating sentences that sound like a laundry list of actions. He did this, then this, then this. It didn't seem very engaging because it was too straightforward. However, with a few reviews, I'm sure you can fix that up real easily.

I didn't really feel that much of a consequence vibe throughout the story. Everything seemed to go perfectly... too perfectly. The biggest problem is that there wasn't much of a twist. Twilight's potions go wrong, but they never explain why. Maybe I just missed it? The potions seemed simple enough, was it the way she crushed the ingredients? Did she leave the potion out too long? I must know!

The dialogue did feel a bit off as well and it felt sorta rushed because there wasn't much of a downside. I'm guessing the double edged portion is that her talent at making potions led her to help Spike but also to overburden her with all of the increased demands. Something like that. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading the story. Bonus points for making up the name of Spike's disease at least.

I'm also curious of something. In the new episode, they don't know much about dragons so I'm not sure how Twilight would even know how Spike got the disease, especially if the books don't reference it. If he was sick, how did he send the letter? Unless Twilight noticed the early signs of him becoming sick, but in order to do that, she'd have to know what it is in the first place. Did they teach that in her school or something?

If there was an Apothecary, I'm also wondering if the only customer would be Zecora or not. It also seemed a bit too easy. If the potion was as simple as they said it was, how did Twilight make it so easily yet screw up the rest of the potions? Beginner's luck is one thing, but... I just feel like something is missing. I wish I could explain better.

The biggest weakness of your writing is the stilted dialogue imo. Although the repetitive sentences and few mistakes here and there kinda detract from your story a little bit. It needs more "Oomph." Anyhoo, these are just a few thoughts, I couldn't really think of that much to help. I'm looking forward to reading more from you though, so don't get discouraged.


CALL US, CALL US

Not sure if this was a sadpiece or a normal piece, but I assume sad due to the flashback. Due to the prompt, most of the stories are going to end up sad.

For some reason, the title reminds me of the song "Call Me, Call Me" from Cowboy Bebop.

It's interesting to see how you developed Cranky a little bit further. You don't often see Mules used in fanfics very much and all that. As a character study, it's a good piece. It definitely sounds like it leads to the episode from the show.

Unfortunately, the hook doesn't seem as strong. It's someone arriving at a hotel but you're not sure if you should care or not. Hear me out. I read the story because I wanted to know more, that and since we knew Cranky already, we wanted to see how it will play out. But I'm not sure if your writing gripped readers in the way you wanted it to. I think the idea has potential at any rate. The most common qualms for many people would be the way the sentences are written, but you did a good job describing the feel of the scene.

Few questions for you:

If he hated her, then why did he spend his entire life searching for her? To tell her off? For vengence? Did he really have nothing good in his life that he had to resort to finding closure? Or was he simply trying to see if he really loved her?

As a standalone story, it seemed short. If someone hasn't seen the episode that Cranky stars in, they would feel incomplete and without closure. This story seems more like it's just one scene that's a part of a larger story. Maybe that's just me. Looking forward to reading more from you, so don't quit writing. Never give up, never surrender!


CORRESPONDENCE

This is definitely another sadfic, which I didn't notice because the beginning seemed so happy. The ending was a gutpunch for me.

Interesting format, writing via letters instead of the norm. I loved how Inky was so excited in the beginning, but it quickly turned sad when Pinkie couldn't make any of her appointments. As for me, I like the Octavia and Pinkie are Sisters fanon, so making Inky actually have both names was lovely. Normally fans argue one theory or the other, but not both. It makes you even sadder when you think about it in hindsight because as Inky grows up, think about the fanon intrepretation of Octavia. It's completely different. She seems cold, distant, stuck up, but... somewhere along the way, she learns to love again (blame the shipfics). By the end of this story, Inky seems to have slipped into her Octavia fanon, meaning that after the Gala incident, everything just went wrong.

Knowing ahead of time that Pinkie was never going to make it to any of Octavia's events was a bit heartbreaking. Pinkie Pie made a Pinkie Pie promise but she didn't seem to take it as seriously as I thought she would (considering the episode where AJ tried to "break" the promise). Perhaps that's why Pinkie went berserk during that episode? Because she did the same thing to Octavia and that's why they drifted to their own seperate ways.

I'm also wondering why Inkie didn't try to visit Pinkie in Ponyville or why Pinkie didn't come to Canterlot, but I guess they were just busy. In response to one of the comments about Pinkie not knowing Octavia and Inky were the same, I don't believe that would have worked because why else would they listen to her suggestions on what music to play? That would be a huge shame if she couldn't recognize her, even if it's been so long. Normally when people haven't seen each other for so long, they still recognize each other. They may have changed a lot, but there will be something there... that will help them identify each other.

I enjoying reading this story. I also happen to be listening to Pinkie's Smile Smile Smile song, which makes this story feel so much sadder, because of Pinkie's failure to her sister. I can only assume that they never speak to each other again, since we haven't seen Inky in the show since. That might change, but for now, it stays. Anyway, even if the ending and events were predictable because we've seen the story, I still liked it.



CREEPY DOLL FROM DOWN THE LANE

Well, obviously I'm not going to critique myself. That would just be silly, wouldn't it? But yesh, I felt it was pretty rushed myself. I wrote an outline and procrastinated too much, so I ended up cutting most of it near the middle. When the contest is over, I'll fix it up and add the scenes I wanted to in the first place and really draw out Lyra's eventual maddening. But for now, those are just excuses until I actually put in the writing so I'll stop now. Don't want to make any promises I can't keep, eh?
>> No. 91447
>>91308
>Was there something I said that made you want to pick me first?
"The Black Queen" was what did it.
Nah, it was totally "gentile".

Sorry! I've no experience with usage of "y'all" in real life, so I wouldn't know. "Don't be mocking Apple Bloom's accent." was sillily condescending.

>The part about "bits'" is correct, yet the "of" was omitted purposely. People do talk like that.
Well, "people" are silly! Eh. I'm silly.
>I'm not sure why you recommended another "and" because it's pretty obvious that she's making a list.
. . . I'm not sure, either.

>Nope, I meant what I said. >23%. Your advice changes the meaning.
Man, the original text makes no sense to me.
"At least" means that Twilight was giving her estimate room to increase, so how could it possibly have decreased to three percent just a sentence later? "Too anxious to watch Fluttershy play" means that she had a negative outlook, not an optimistic one, so I'd use "at most".
The word "likely" is just for clarification.

I don't like the dual "con" words. But that's my opinion, man.

Most of the errors I noted had to do with grammar and word usage; should I send you a list of the typos when the contest is over?

>>91311
:okay:
My take is that she is a queen and he is a drier, while The Rolling Stones aren't stones.
You guys do have reason.
>> No. 91450
And have some more. I apologize in advance if it's hard to read due to being spoilered. Don't want to spoil the story for the others, you know?

FLASHBACK:

I've noticed that some of the above stories were mostly sadfics, so it was nice to read a comedy fic. If you were going in order, A Game of Twits is the first comedy, followed by this one. It's nice to see Colgate in a fic because she hardly gets anything written about her. I can't judge on characterization for Colgate because of that. This story was a very fun read and it is definitely one of my favorites in this contest.

As to the comment as to why Colgate is in Berry's basement, I believe that's because the most common fanon interpretation is that Colgate and Berry Punch are an item. Or maybe I just think that way because I read a Berry/Colgate fic for my first Colgate experience. Like I said, I've only read like four fics of her like ever. (this being one of them)

To be honest, I missed most of the mistakes and grammatical errors that others pointed out because I was too busy having fun while reading the story. Perhaps if I was paying more attention, I could have pointed them out. For the sake of time constraints though, I would have ignored them and focus more on the idea of the story, which is unique in itself.

One last small note, I believe you made a mistake in the scene with Lyra and Bon Bon. Lyra was the one that wanted to rush off, but Bon Bon was teh one that emerged from the house. Since I think you got their names mixed up.

So in conclusion, I really liked it and look forward to reading more from this author.


FOR THE LOVE OF ALL:

This was a very confusing piece for me to read but as far as I can tell, Fluttershy is taking care of her mom as a foal in the first part, then it switches to White Wings, and then a scientist at the end. The infectious kindness was certainly new, never seen it used like that before. I wonder how they determined that besides the one guy becoming a killer. Certainly you wouldn't notice when other people just start saying hello to you more, would they?

The story seemed like it was a bit dark with the black market slave thing as well as Fluttershy's mental state and causing a pony to become a serial killer. (I assume it was just one) I also felt like there wasn't much of a hook besides the formatting being different than normal. But I don't really understand what the story is (one of the FIMFiction comments explained it afterwards, but during the reading, I didn't understand), so I can't really comment.

It flew above my head though, so I apologize. Instead of trying to leave a critique for it, all I'll say is that it wasn't for me. Sorry. =(


HARMONY:

This piece is thought provoking in the way that it allows you to look back at the season two opener and think up alternate conclusions but as a stand-alone story, it seems kinda... like it's missing something. It seems more like a scene in a longer adventure fic that explains about the elements. I can understand having the elements having a drawback though. I would like to read more. As of right now, it seems like the beginning scene to something else. I'm curious if you plan on writing another story to go with it or just leave it as is and just pair it with the episode.

I'm not really sure what else to say really. It's very short but I'm not sure if it was intended to be that way or time restrictions. Well, at least we got to see a bit of Luna in there, right?

Yay, Luna!


WE DREAM OF DAISIES:

Definitely an interesting concept that is hardly ever seen. I liked the OC (I kept thinking of one of the flower ponies for some reason). Although I am curious as to which viewpoint you were trying to view the story from. From your response, you said both of them are the protagonist, so that answers that question. Leaving that part at the end seemed kinda pointless and instead just makes me want to read about more of Daisy's adventures. Yea, you already responded that there's something big and unexplained going on here, but that makes me want to read more. Is that a good thing? Sounds like it is. If you ever write more of Daisy's adventures in the future, I'd definitely read it.

This story hooked me till the very end, so kudos on that. This is another one of my favorites for the contest as well. I wish I could say more, but I can't really think of anything besides "Keep up the good work."


MINOTAMED:

Iron Will! Oh yea! I've been waiting for someone to write a fic about him. Since I liked him as a character, reading a fic about him kept me really interested. I believe this was a comedy fic and because of it, I was hooked the entire time. The minotaur maze thing was a nice touch as well. This sounds like it'll make a great episodic story. Sure, it's just a reversal of Putting Your Hoof Down, but I don't care. Iron Will is awesome. Lots of funny moments that definitely makes this story feel like a part of FIM.

I would say more but everyone else seems to have the same responses aside from the people that admitted that it wasn't for them. You can't please everyone after all. Still, keep up the good work. Looking forward to seeing what you write next. Or if you already have, then when the authors are revealed, I'll track down the rest of your stories. :P
>> No. 91452
>>91447

>"At least" means that Twilight was giving her estimate room to increase, so how could it possibly have decreased to three percent just a sentence later? "Too anxious to watch Fluttershy play" means that she had a negative outlook, not an optimistic one, so I'd use "at most".

She's too worried to look on. Imagine a character who is anxious, with all the body motions "oohs, ahs, looks, etc" trying to watch a chess game in silence. Worry does not necessarily translate to pessimism.

When she sees Fluttershy in a slumped, the number decreases. Not that hard to understand.

>should I send you a list of the typos when the contest is over?

Whatever suits you. I plan to have this reviewed but anything to give those bastards less firepower to throw at me would be appreciated Though why you would waste your time cleaning up my story, which is comparably clean, is beyond me.
>> No. 91467
>>91450
(and whoever else said the same sort of things about Harmony)

The idea was the first part of something bigger, but the whole thing would've been too large and disjointed to do in the time limit. That would be the opening, and then it would have to timeskip to well after the last episode we've seen to explore another use of the Elements and what happens.

Instead, it was cut there and meant to stand alone as a way to reinterpret Celestia and Luna's history, as well as Discord's actions. And of course, the attempted use of the Elements when the girls were not getting along actually driving the wedge further and Celestia realizing/correcting this...

I still think it works pretty well by itself, but I can see how it might be less filling than others.
>> No. 91497
Gotta keep this on the thread, yeah?

STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword
>> No. 91499
A Case of You- 4/10. An interesting, emotional story, overall. However, there was much left unexplained, and the shipping felt extremely forced. Could use some pacing and depth fixes.

A Game of Twits- 5/10. A fine story overall, but with a few things that unnerved me. The grammar was off far too often, and the comedy moments just fell flat for me. Also, the 'mystery player' was so painfully obvious that I called it right off the bat, though I still hoped you'd pull a surprise out of nowhere.

A True Magician- 8/10. Color me impressed. I‘ve seen sad Trixie, competitive Trixie, romantic Trixie, even homeless Trixie, but I’ve never seen a Trixie that contemplated her very own talents. An interesting and fresh take on our favorite show mare, with some grammar errors and jumps here and there. (Rhyme not intended).

Benefits and Consequences- 7/10. Not bad, not bad at all. There was definitely a few glaring grammar errors though. The plot seemed to be missing a little pizzazz as well.

Call Me, Call Me- 6/10. This is probably the only Cranky Doodle fic I‘ve ever seen, and unfortunately, probably the last one too. This was a nice little journey into his backstory. The rating would be higher, but there are grammar/spelling errors eeeeverywhere.

Correspondence- 4/10. Wasn't a fan of the format, honestly. The ending was also a big letdown. Still, it had its moments.

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane- 5/10An interesting premise. However, it was brought down by on-and-off grammar, pacing, and a pretty weak ending. I bet I can guess where you got the idea from this, though.

FLaSHBA-CK- 5/10. A relatively creative story with a few good jokes. However, there are far too many grammatical errors for me to possibly rate it any higher. There were so many randomly dropped words that it hurt.

For the Love of All- 4/10. Weak format, weak grammar, and some confusing parts. Still, I can sense the deeper, underlying story in here. I just wish it was easier to access it.

Harmony- 4/10. Not much to say here. A relatively dull story that’s been done at least fifty times before, but at least the grammar is decent. Pacing could use a lot of work, though.

I Dream of Daises- 7/10. A really good story, in my opinion. Of course, it wasn't without a few glaring structure/grammar errors. The ending also felt quite a bit rushed.

Minotamed- 8/10. A nice, episode-esque story with a few good jokes. My only complaint is that the ending felt a bit rushed. Also, this has to be the first Iron Will fic I've ever read, honestly.

Pieonic- 9/10. Aside from a few parts that could use trimming, this was a masterfully crafted tale. There was also some confusing parts, but nothing too bad. Color me impressed.

Piercing Octaves- 7/10. Up until the end, this was a pretty sweet story that gave me a nice video game feeling. After that, it just got really 'what', and felt like it ended way too soon. Aside from that, only a few minor grammar errors to be seen.

Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords- 3/10. Just felt like a cheap extension of Party of One, honestly. The occasional grammar slip up here and there, too. Also didn't find the humor too funny, but it had its moments.

Pinkie’s Panic- 2/10. Numerous grammar/spelling errors and a big lack of any conflict whatsoever till near the end. I couldn't really find any connection to the prompt, either. But at least ya tried.

Shadows- 5/10. Started at a seven, but your sentence structure was reeeeally off at some points. I overlooked that a bit, but then you pulled these random things outta nowhere. Celestia is Trixie‘s mom, and Trixie killed somepony? Nah.

Sword, Hammer, Stallion- 7/10. A really good story, overall. However, it did have a few noticeable errors, the timber wolf's introduction came outta nowhere, and like others have said, you made it sound like Reveille died. On a side note, it was incredibly hard to imagine this as a pony story- that's not altogether a bad thing.

The Ueton Game- 7/10. This story started out really great, though some parts struck it down. Iffy grammar, a weak ending, and some OOC moments were all present. Still, I really want to see a multiplayer Binding of Isaac now... or maybe even a ponified version.

All in all, I feel much more satisfied with this contest than the last one. While I personally felt the prompt was weaker, and while some of the stories here are weaker than others, I don't regret reading a single one of them. Good job everypony, and good luck.
>> No. 91505
>>91499
I knew taking this format would be a gamble but it seemed appropriate for the idea I had. The ending was a let down? In what way? Admittedly there were a few holes around the middle that others have pointed out but I thought the ending was the strong point. Thanks for reading and rating though.

>>91441
Thanks, the main idea behind this was the change from Inky to Octavia. I wish I'd had more time, I had a few more letters planned but I had to cut it short. The happy start/sad end contrast was what I was aiming for, glad it worked here. The letters were supposed to recount Pinkie's view of events, although they were a bit light on details. Thanks for reading and voting.

>>91170 Yeah, the italics thing was included in an authors note which our esteemed host neglected to include but I'm happy to see most people worked it out themselves. I didn't get time to clean it up, I finished writing with fifteen minutes to spare. My grammar skills aren't perfect though so those errors may just have been me. By OoC are you referring to both characters or just Inky? I tried my best to emulate Pinkie, hence the ridiculous amount of exclamation marks, but I must admit Inky was a little weak. I should have included more letter from Inky really as we already now Pinkie's personality whilst Inky's is relatively unknown. If you're referencing the fact Inky seemed a little self-absorbed then I suppose that is true from what I've written. Thanks for reading and voting.
>> No. 91506
File 133203184018.png - (163.40KB , 439x359 , 1307587106992.png )
91506
>>91499
>Grammar/spelling errors
Mind pointing some of those out? If there's something I was sure about, it's that there weren't very many mechanical errors. Please tell me where they are because if there are a lot, that means there's something wrong with me that I would miss them.
>> No. 91508
File 133203342634.png - (368.47KB , 798x746 , Cassattack.png )
91508
>>91506

Generally, a story written within seventy-two hours is going to have numerous mechanical errors. That being said, I do believe the claim of gross abundance of such errors in that it is disruptive to the story is quite frankly overblown, annoying and generally should be left until after the competition. For example, taking what the anon considers to be a mechanically sound story, i.e. Pieonic:

>Twilight happily twiddled the hours away in the library doing what she did best, studying.

Should be a colon instead of a comma.

Second sentence has an unneeded article before "unlimited". The conjunction "and" should be swapped with "with." etc etc.

Now I'm not pointing this out to put the author of Pieonic on the spot, and I do profusely apologize for doing so, but it really gets under my skin when we talk about mechanical problems in this competition. Generally, I don't think the common viewer really knows squat about mechanics, and it really chaps my rawhide to see people go up and about saying the "some" stories have these errors while others don't. Some may be more obvious, certainly, but they're there. If you want to have your story checked for grammar errors, get a review.
>> No. 91509
>>91508
A colon works, but a comma does as well. With a comma, "studying" serves as an appositive for the noun clause "what she did best."
>> No. 91515
>>91508
I only mentioned it if it distracted me from the story.
>> No. 91518
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

So, voting is coming to a close...so what are the favorites looking to be so far?
>> No. 91521
File 133204123976.png - (290.05KB , 1000x885 , 132629356034.png )
91521
>>91518
Psh, I'm not telling.
>> No. 91522
>>91521

I was more asking for observations on what people's favorites are, not actual statistics.

...Would it bias the voting anyway?
>> No. 91524
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

---

In reverse alphabetical order because I said so.

The Ueton Game
The first half of this story was very engaging and hooked me well enough to want to keep reading till the end. That said, the ending was a bit anticlimactic, to say the least. Within the time constraints of the contest, and seeing how you still had the longest story of the lot, this is to be expected. But the story still has ways that it could be improved. Justification for the mane-6 to have gotten a free ride into the game-winning zone seems to be the most necessary thing. “We get to fight Nightmare Moon because friendship,” really leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

The prose described the events excellently and the dialogue was fluent. I definitely felt like I could trust that what was written was what was intended to be written, and I couldn’t find any major issues with the mechanics. (However, double-spaces after full-stops are unnecessary, and you could have done a find-and-replace to turn those double-hyphens into em dashes, but these are minor niggles at best.)

On Vimbert’s point as to why Twilight wouldn’t ask Celestia for help: it’s just a sad nuance of putting Twilight in any sore situation; she has this “get out of jail free” card from her relationship with the princess. There’s no way to avoid it. I guess more work could have been done to imply Celestia wouldn’t have been able to help (that the image of Luna could solve the problem implies that Celestia could, at least by proxy), but it still seems to me like an unavoidable bit of fridge logic.

Overall, an enjoyable story that could do with a few extra scenes.

Sword, Hammer, Stallion
Second paragraph:
>He glanced at his son after each hammer stroke. Dark blue eyes, cool green hair that made Cross Tree taste mint whenever he saw it, a dark green bush of a mane. Tough little muscles on his ungainly coltish limbs. Little Reveille still wasn’t quite used to the loud noises of the workshop, and his eyes and ears still blinked twitched with each resounding whack of hammer on steel. He had once shied away from the sparks when he was very young, but now he stood firm in his oversized goggles and thick apprentice apron, watching the sparks dance.

Two sentence fragments dedicated purely to the physical description of your character. I had to read through this some three times to actually understand what this was saying, and even now I don’t quite get it. This information should be slipped in through more subtle and rigid prose, because now I’m going into the story not trusting your mechanical diligence in your work. Fragments should only be used if the reader trusts you enough to give you that artistic license, and even then, only if the fragment adds to clarity of what you’re trying to express. “blinked twitched”? I think you missed an “and” in there. Also, it might do you some good to hyphenate your compound terms: dark-blue eyes, cool-green hair (or is it cool green-hair? I can’t even tell), dark-green brush (what does this even mean? The brush is green? Isn’t brush used as a verb here? I’m so confused). Rule of thumb: if there is any ambiguity without the hyphen, use the hyphen.

Sorry about that tangent; the paragraph just really confused the heck out of me. Maybe I’m just a poor reader, who knows?

>The weight… every blow that goes into creating it.
More sentence fragments...
>Needing, wanting to cut and stab.
These fragments give me that feeling.

>Rakes, water pots, helmets, armor.
You love those fragments, don’t you? I think now might be the time for you to learn to love the em dash (—). I’m getting nit-picky at this point, really, but you’ve given no reason to justify this use of language.

>You can see the glow, this baby’s hot.
Comma splice.

>Another day, another sword.
See this? It’s good use of a sentence fragment. It acts like a phrase or interjection and isn’t so long that it feels confusing to the reader.

>A little ways up that path was a single Guard outpost, the final checkpoint of ponydom before the rest of the wild, untamed world claimed the land.
Comma splice.

>That single road out of Equestria, out of everything he’d ever known, shrouded by trees and possibly crawling with monsters.
Fragment.

>If you go up that path, and there’s no telling what can happen.
Unnecessary "and".

I stopped at the end of the second scene-break. At some one third of the way through a short story, there’s no hook here to keep me interested in reading this. The dialogue is plagued by ellipses that make the dialogue sound stilted and awkward, and the plot will develop as such: grave warning from wise man is ignored; protagonist gets in trouble as a result; protagonist gets out of trouble and sees the wisdom in the original warning. I can know the plot of a story and still enjoy it if the prose is engaging, but your first third has given me no reason to believe your story will deliver that.

Shadows
>The essence of the alicorn flowed around Trixie, and into her ...
Sounds hot.

>She was laying on a wooden table, shackled and bound so that she couldn’t escape.
Oh dear...

>Trixie closed her eyes and sobbed quietly, already knowing her fate.
Oh my.

>pressing in on her from every side.
[George Takei] Ooooh my.

Hmm, somewhat of a nice introduction to what seems to be a larger story. However, I think the discussion between Nightmare Moon and Trixie became a little too casual and ended too abruptly. That is to say, even in the face of Trixie’s “new found leverage”, I think that Nightmare Moon should still try and wear an aura of dominance over her, rather than just going “okay, whatevs sista, we be partners now oy-oy!”. Feel free to disagree.

There were quite a few typographical errors, but seeing as they weren’t systematic I’m sure that you’ll find them yourself when you do some editing.

Alone, this story doesn’t stand well (much like my own), but it has potential to expand into something interesting.

Pinkie’s Panic
>“I'd love to...” she glanced around, wondering if there was some way she could avoid it. “...but I [...]”
Eh, nope. This doesn’t work. Put em dashes on either side outside of the quotation marks if you want to punctuate your dialogue like this:
>“I'd love to”—she glanced around, wondering if there was some way she could avoid it—“but I [...]”

Eh, I don’t really know what to say of this. The prose was mostly confusing and far too often over-stayed its welcome. What could have been said in few words took many. What Twilight said about Pinkie was true, I suppose, to some extent, but it feels like the entire story is just a vessel for you to regurgitate Twilight’s essay to us. It doesn’t read much like a story at all, and like others have said, Pinkie’s reactions was far too contrived, especially considering what she learned in Party of One.

---

More to come. Feel free to discuss any of these points.
>> No. 91525
File 133204592011.png - (88.19KB , 600x491 , 131931837296.png )
91525
>>91524

Uhh... if you're going to be reviewing my story, could you do me the favor of not pointing out the errors already pointed out by the error-pointer outers? I'm in the middle of revisions which is slang for first time proof-reading and I've already made a lot of changes to fix things.
>> No. 91526
File 133204642524.jpg - (21.94KB , 580x435 , moonearth_580.jpg )
91526
Saltine, I heard that you were having some trouble filling the seats on your panel and that you are "fairly adverse to scrapping the idea". Don't worry, I have a solution.

I, Your glorious space judge
>>90857
>>90866
>>90869
would be happy to split myself into several mentally--separate entities in order to fill two or more slots on your special council. Boom.

Ideally, each of the five member would be me, but I think it's important for others (specifically, lessers) to get a chance, so I won't hog all the spots.
>> No. 91529
>>91506

If you want some help getting all the errors, I'll be happy to look at help if you put the story in a doc after the contest is over.

'Til then, a couple recurring errors I spotted, off the top of my head:

-Severe comma shortage. Where commas should be, there aren't any. For example, if somepony refers to another pony by their name, it's usually good to put a comma before that name. Like, "Hello Twilight." would be "Hello, Twilight.".

-Putting non-speaking verbs after dialogue. For instance, you put “Good morning dear,” Mrs. Cake smiled. Change smiled to 'said', 'greeted', etc. to make it correct.
>> No. 91530
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword
>> No. 91531
I'm a little confused by the talk of this not feeling like a pony story... is it because it's all OCs? I mean, half the stories here aren't exactly in the "feel" of the show anyway. I thought of an idea to stretch my creativity with the prompt and I took it.

And if it feels rushed, it is. I literally finished the story about ten minutes before the deadline; that's what not staying on the ball does to you!

>>91524 I'd appreciate if you actually read the whole story before casting such a harsh judgment, like I had the courtesy of reading all of yours.
>> No. 91533
File 133204826129.jpg - (33.21KB , 350x458 , 6a00d8341c630a53ef0133f43556b6970b-350wi.jpg )
91533
>>91526
It has come to my attention that you doubt my capabilities. Perhaps a morsel would change your mind?

After I knock this judging business out, I'll make you your favorite: a peanut butter and peanut butter sandwich, on whole grain bread.
You should share it with cassius, in the hopes that he doesn't go all donner party on my ass.
And cassius, despite any hunger you think I might sate, I suggest that you reconsider; cannibalism is still quite illegal in space.
>> No. 91535
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

>>91499
What exactly was it about my sentence structure? I've found a few incomplete sentences (that is to say, ones I didn't put in on purpose).

>Trixie killed somepony?
I marked this scene for revision already, glad to know it is needed. It isn't entirely clear, but she didn't actually kill him.

>>91524
>Hmm, somewhat of a nice introduction to what seems to be a larger story. However, I think the discussion between Nightmare Moon and Trixie became a little too casual and ended too abruptly. That is to say, even in the face of Trixie’s “new found leverage”, I think that Nightmare Moon should still try and wear an aura of dominance over her, rather than just going “okay, whatevs sista, we be partners now oy-oy!”. Feel free to disagree.
Yeah, that was one of the scenes I really rushed. It's already marked for revision.
>> No. 91545
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

---

Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords
>No, It was something subtle. Something in the air.
Improper capitalisation and a sentence fragment.

>”You want to...” Pinkie lowered her voice conspiratorially, “... prepare Spikey-Wikey together with Rarity aren’t you?”
Eh, nope. This doesn’t work. Put em dashes on either side outside of the quotation marks to punctuate dialogue like this:
>”You want to”—Pinkie lowered her voice conspiratorially—“prepare Spikey-Wikey together with Rarity aren’t you?”
Also, the second half of the sentence reads strangely, but it kinda works, I guess.

>There seems to be a desk set right at the end of the tent.
Present tense out of nowhere.

>[...] examining this err... precious stone tablets.”
“these” or “tablet”

>you’re the goto pony
I’d say hyphenate to “go-to” if you want to use it as an adjective, since it’s not really a standard word.

>a heavy bags
Eenope.

>artifact
If you’re using British English, it’s “artefact”.

>All I know that she came
You accidentally a word.

>“Well, I thought you were telling me that my parties were no fun anymore and...” Pinkie’s voice softened a little. “... you wouldn’t want to be my friends...”
Again, use em dashes for this.

>The lavender unicorn […]
Oh dear.

There were a few other errors in there too that you should be able to pick up in editing.

Story-wise, this seemed pretty similar to Pinkie’s Panic. As in, it was pretty slow and not much happened. The “Pinkie thinks her friends don’t like her anymore, but instead of asking them directly she snoops and makes assumptions” thing has already been done in the show, so I’m not sure why you’d go for that same angle. The rest of the story, i.e., the whole double-edged sword business, didn’t seem to have much impact on it at all. Rosetta Stone? I didn’t really get the final scene either. But maybe we can chalk this up to me not being a very perceptive reader. I feel like there was supposed to be some irony that I missed but can’t figure out what it is.

Piercing Octaves
Well, I can’t really review myself now can I?

I’ll say what I have already said though: the ending is intentionally awful, monotone, etc. If you want to give feedback on its current state, I’m interested in knowing your impression of the world and story before Frederick takes W.T. to Octavia’s. The line, “See, now you are free,” is, in its current state, the end of the first chapter, to better let the reader understand the differences in tone between the two parts, since the differences between the game and real world (and therefore how the story reads) are like night and day.

I do remember someone saying there’s a problem with referring to hell, e.g., using “bloody hell”. Equestria has Tartarus, and hence the Underworld, which was commonly referred to as hell in Greek mythos. (Equestria is also littered to the dunes with Greek mythology.) That there would be a hell in Equestrian parlance is not exactly far-fetched. And for Christ’s sake, half of our interjections don’t bloody work in the pony world as is. Cut me some slack, willya! Making ponies talk naturally is hard when the words I want to use “aren’t allowed” for the sake of your headcanon.

Sword, Hammer, Stallion (cont.)

>>91531
All right. But there’s no need to be so aggressive. I simply got bored ‘sall. It’s not a jab at you but a bit of info that might let you know where the problems lie.

>The noise of his blood pounding in his ears was louder than anything he’d ever heard. Opal Eye suddenly starting to shake beside him felt like an earthquake.
That first sentence is strange to say the least. The second sentence is all kinds of awkward. After three re-reads I figure that “Opal Eye suddenly starting to shake beside him” is supposed to be a noun clause or something. But even if it is grammatically correct, it reads terribly.

Well, I can’t say the prose was as bad as the first third, but I still don’t think it’s a very interesting story. What was Opal doing out in the forest/fields/not-in-town? If her parents had actually told her it was entirely safe, and it apparently isn’t, and so she just hung about there all the time, how on earth was she not already wolf chowder? The ending also seemed very extended. I mean, closure is nice, but the meat of your story is the ~1,000 word scene in the middle. This story just seemed chocked full of words that don’t really engage the reader at all, which was why I was lead to abandon it in the first place.

Sorry that I can’t really be of more help. This is just my take on the story, and my take isn’t at all definitive.

More to come.
>> No. 91550
But . . . but . . . why are the stories in alphabetical order? That's not fair, man.
Now writers will exploit this and begin their titles with the letter A in the next round to get an edge. That'll be really uncool.
>> No. 91551
>>91550
It's unavoidable, really, that some stories will be at the top and some at the bottom. The best you can do is read the backwards, or randomly (computer random, not human random). I might reverse them next time if I see an influx of "Aaron's Aardvark Adventures"s seeping in, but I'd like to trust that people wouldn't purposely name their stories to get extra attention.
>> No. 91553
File 133205801772.png - (45.78KB , 945x945 , ShrugSadIForgetWhatTheCrapIsThisDude\'sBlindBagName.png )
91553
>>91551
Hm.
And are you sure that you want to sort "A Case of You", "A Game of Twits" and "A True Magician" as As instead of a C, a G and a T?
>> No. 91555
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

Obligatory bump for the fic link.

>As in, it was pretty slow and not much happened. The “Pinkie thinks her friends don’t like her anymore, but instead of asking them directly she snoops and makes assumptions” thing has already been done in the show, so I’m not sure why you’d go for that same angle.
Chalk me up to being unoriginal. :P Someone has to take last place after all.

>I feel like there was supposed to be some irony that I missed but can’t figure out what it is.
There is, though it would up to you to draw the link. If you don't... well, then it's my fault for not telegraphing it more obviously. Heh heh.

>>91499
Ouch, but then again, I guess your complaints are fair enough.
>> No. 91562
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

---

Pieonic
>Last month was water breathing, the month before that was research into wing spells -which still had many advancements to go before they evolved past the fragile butterfly wings that were gifted to rarity -before that was astral projection, and before that was scrying.
Comma splice. And gah, your em dashes are hyphens...

>However, almost all of the books she had put on the reserve for the subject did just give the instructions and insight to simple tricks. Though a single book by her favorite unicorn, Starswirl the bearded, did give advanced insight into the otherwise hopeless field.
Your usage of “did” in both of these sentences destroys the flow of reading. Compare them to:
>However, almost all of the books she had put on reverse merely gave instructions and insight into simple tricks. [...] unicorn, Starswirl the Bearded, gave advanced insight into the otherwise hopeless field.
Often, using any “be” verb will stilt the flow of sentences and throw them into passive voice, and you end up with all sorts of confusing stuff like above. See how once I remove “did”, fixing the rest of the sentence becomes pretty easy. Also, I’m not sure if the “the” in Starswirl’s title should be capitalised, but “Bearded” sure should be.

>Feeling this topic was much more important then next month’s choice (illusionary magics), she decided to extend its length for another month.
“than”, not “then”. Usage of brackets in prose should be avoided as much as possible. That appositive would work far better if it were appended with em dashes. And I don’t think magic should be plural there as it reads oddly, but that’s a minor niggle at best.

>Opening up the book to the pages labeled with notes on what traits best attributed to a successful experiment.
Fragment.

>might just do a lot more then slow her down.
than

>“But Twilight, this is me we’re talking about, why would you think that I would be able to ‘free my mind’?”
Comma splice.

>LEAST
Italics for emphasis, please.

>it’s that Starswirl creates the most safe and dependable spell analysts anywhere.
He creates analysts, i.e., ponies that are skilled at analysing data? I think you want “analyses”. Even still, I’d end the sentence at “spells”. Maybe append “in all of Equestria” if you want some zest.

>“Okay, Twilight, if you say it’s alright,” She agreed with a slight uncertainty.
Improper dialogue punctuation.

>“Any time you could take off each day?”
This sounds really weird. I don’t really know if you need to bother with this, since you skip straight to the scene with the experiment anyway. Just get them straight into it once Pinkie agrees and stop waffling.

>Pinkie spoke as she headed out the door, any second thoughts on what she had agreed to dispersed to see the librarian so enthusiastic.
This doesn’t really make any sense.

At this point I’m going to ignore any grammatical and stylistic errors and focus on the story. I think it’s obvious that the mad rush to get this many words out in such a short time has plagued your story with errors that could probably be fixed with a little self-editing.

>”If you could lay on the couch I’ll be right over.”
Should be “lie”. I know I said I wouldn’t do anymore line-by-line, but this shit is pretty hard to get right, so I’m assuming that you might miss this in your own editing.

>One week later
You... you can’t do that. This information is conveyed in the next paragraph anyway, so you could just get rid of it.

The first scene where Twilight is testing Pinkie’s magic is very... well, monotone. The systematic nature of it seems characteristic enough of Twilight, but somehow you’ve got Pinkie Pie in the room without anything happening. Make her do some quirky things that gets a bit of banter going on between them to keep the scene engaging. Right now, it just reads as Twilight saying, “Do this,” and then Pinkie doing it without a hiccup.

>At this last bit of information the purple pony broke out into a poorly silenced giggle. “Oh come on, Twilight, I don’t want to use this as a tool for gossip.”
This is extremely weird and out of character for Pinkie Pie. I cannot imagine her saying that in the slightest—specifically “as a tool for”. (Edit after having read the story: if you’re trying to show her changing, she wouldn’t be this un-Pinkie already.) And who’s this purple pony, Twilight? She’s lavender. But this is Pinkie talking. Why do you have a beat (action before dialogue) with Twilight as the subject and then Pinkie talking? It’s confusing.

Twilight’s field tests. Ugh, what is going on? The prose here is so confusing and filled with passive voice that I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out what you’re trying to say. You need to say what’s happening more clearly so that the reader knows what’s happening.

>humanity
Enope.

>effected
affected

Welp, the prose in this story was just painfully difficult to read. I hope I don’t offend by assuming English is not your native tongue. The story could have worked well with better execution, but it was just so much waffling and “this is happening” combined with confusing sentence structure. I probably missed half of what happened too since by the end I resigned to reading each paragraph only once.

[/u]Minotamed[/u]
Fluttershy is using “The Stare” on something that trivial? I get you want to show her being more assertive, but The Stare is a bit extensive, I think. Maybe just have her give Angel a stern talking to.

>her animal friends
her animal friend

>fifty pages
Mein Gott.

>backsass from the maze
Hehe.

>Fluttershy giggled, proud that she’d written something good enough for somepony to consider it worth memorize.
worth memorizing

All right, I really enjoyed this story. I could hear Iron Will’s voice just coming through the pages (screen, whatevs). The dialogue was in character enough to make the whole thing feel like “Putting Your Hoof Down”, only with the roles reversed. The prose was well written and easy to read, with the only errors being typos. This had all the elements of a good short story and read almost like an episode of the show. Nice work.

Minor nitpick: your em dashes were hyphens.

I Dream of Daisies
>Pushing her nervous aside for a moment
nervousness

>a few a tricks
“a few tricks”, unless you’re trying to make her sound hick.

>felt to numb
too

>she was able to think with the utmost clarity
unnecessary “the”

>Daisy's vision was fuzzy, her ears were ringing, her legs were wobbly, and she felt sick to her stomach.
Comma splices, but it’s not so big a deal since all the clauses have the same subject and have similar form. Up to you if you wanna get rid of ‘em (the splices, that is).

>pull of
pull off

>Rainbow Dash in the shower-room underneath the stands, alone.
fragment

>the the
the

>and probably seen a few magical wingspan enhancements in her day
has probably seen
“in her day” implies she’s retired
It seems weird that you’d use “his daughter” as the subject instead of just “her” when the paragraph is focused on her.

>I know, you've told me.
Comma splice.

>competitors of your
competitors of yours

>ariel
aerial

>, "we
. “We

>sharp white teeth
“sharp-white teeth”, or “sharp, white teeth”? It’s ambiguous.

>The screams of the ponies who had been sitting there were short and bone-chilling, as they all fell into the creature's mouth.
The comma before “as” uses it as a coordinating conjunction meaning “for the reason that; as a result of”. Without the comma it uses as a subordinating conjunction meaning “at the same time that”, which is what I think you mean to say.

>wicked will, and finally
no comma

You have a lot of cases where you use Mr/Ms without a full-stop after them. You’re supposed to have a full-stop after abbreviations.

Overall, I enjoyed this story. The prose was fluent and described the events that occurred well. Sans the mistakes pointed out that seemed to me more typos than gaps in grammatical tact, the story was well written. I especially liked the interaction between Nightmare and Daisy where Nightmare said a whole paragraph before being rebutted with some variation of a sarcastic “Sounds wonderful.” What exactly happened to conclude the dream could do with a bit of a touch-up, I think, but otherwise the story’s events were solid.

---

More to come.
>> No. 91567
>>91562
Thanks for the fixes. I'm using them on my draft now.

>You have a lot of cases where you use Mr/Ms without a full-stop after them. You’re supposed to have a full-stop after abbreviations.
I use British English.

"If the abbreviation includes both the first and last letter of the abbreviated word, as in 'mister' and 'doctor', a period is not used."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Full_stop#Titles

I love how much feedback this Write-Off is providing! And from so many different sources too! Thanks everyone!
>> No. 91580
>>91499
Yeah, I agree, it's not some of my best work. I actually think 4/10 is a good, honest rating and I agree on it completely. The shipping is really forced and random, the mane six being there in the first place is stupid, and it's too convenient that she passes out as she finishes the story. The story was more of an exercise in defeating my writers' block than anything else, but I'm happy you took the time to read it.

I can't really go into a deep discussion over it right now, but I'll add more when I get back.
>> No. 91582
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

---

Harmony
>A distraction, to avoid having to think about the implications of his return.
Fragment. Previous full-stop should be a comma.

Well, this was short. Very short. The dialogue was fun and engaging, but the whole “Contrary to popular belief, the Elements did not banish Luna to the moon” thing felt a bit unnecessary, since it leads into “Celestia is a tyrant” territory, which just doesn’t sit well with me unless it’s an actual plot device (which your story really didn’t need, being so short). It was written well, although it’s not too hard to be rigid in prose over such a short piece.

Also, double-spaces after full-stops are unnecessary.

For the Love of All
When you have excerpts omitted from a journal entry, you should use spaced ellipses instead of giant loads of white space, e.g., “and she . . . so I didn’t read aloud anymore.” Why is this a good idea? Because a lot of places and software will cull any space after the first (Ponychan and LyX, for example), and, well, it makes the paragraphs look a hell of a lot nicer. Giant gaps of white give the paragraphs a weird look.

>I just know that there were shouting things about me
“they” instead of “there”? Not sure if intended since it’s a juvenile diary.

>doing Fluttershy a kindness
Eh... Again, diary format gives you a lot of wiggle room, but I don’t know if you really want this.

Well, wow. This was definitely an interesting story. Epistolary stories have a way of getting you engaged, don’t they? First person is definitely my favourite perspective, anyhow. Fluttershy being an abused orphan isn’t new, but I liked this take on it. The tie-in with the prompt was very well done, also. The implication that her suppressed, infectious aura is the source of The Stare is also very subtle.

FLaSHBA-CK
>“Colgate,” she yawned, holding a hoof to her mouth, “you’ve been down here all night. It’s morning now.”
Since most people don’t consider “yawn” a speaking verb (you can’t yawn and talk at the same time), you can’t do this. If you swap the commas for em dashes, you get the intended effect without it being incorrect (at least to those who would say that yawning isn’t a speaking verb):
>“Colgate”—she yawned, holding a hoof to her mouth—“you’ve been down here all night. It’s morning now.”

>light blue glow
“light-blue glow” or “light, blue glow”?

>“You! Are seeing me! Working on...” She tossed her mane back and raised a hoof, striking a pose that one would see from a statue. “...The FLaSHBA-CK!”
I’d lowercase the words after the exclamation marks since the words are forming the full sentence. Also, use em dashes to punctuate the dialogue:
>“You! are seeing me! working on”—she tossed her mane back and raised a hoof, striking a pose that one would see from a statue—“the FLaSHBA-CK!”

>This lets whoever sees the recent past of whatever the wearer’s looking at.
There’s a lot of things this could be trying to say. I’m guessing “sees” should be “see”.

>Runs on science I don’t fully understand myself a bucketful of unicorn magic.
You’re missing a bit of punctuation somewhere. Try “Runs on science I don’t fully understand myself—a bucketful of unicorn magic.” Hm, yes. Em dashes make everything better. Mmmmm, em dashes...

Sorry, where were we? Oh, right.

>“With this, we can see...” Colgate threw out her free hoof, making a arcing wiping motion. “...The future!”
There’s an em dash for that. Also, “an arcing”.

>I can imagine a lot of...” She wracked her brain for an appropriate word. “...Imaginative uses for this, but I think most of them aren’t legal.”
There’s an em dash for that.

>but they .
Oops. I think you accidentally a some words there.

>ooh’d
“ooh” is a standard verb. It doesn’t need to be italicised, and it doesn’t need the “e” in the past tense form to be contracted.

>dark gray coat
“dark, gray coat” or “dark-gray coat”?

>By the by
By the bye

I enjoyed this story. The way you’ve written Colgate is fun to read—an eccentric and live-in-the-moment kind of mare. Lyra running away to her “thing at the place” was great too. The message of the story was pertinent, very true: ignorance sometimes is bliss, haha. We all have our secrets, don’t we? Everyone needs a bit of privacy. Fun story. A good read.

---

More to come.

>>91567
Well, that's something, isn't it? Colour me corrected.
>> No. 91654
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

Obligatory bump for the fic link + the stories in this write-off are significantly better than last time. It seems like everyone took a level in Badas... err... writing skills. Congratulations everyone that submitted a piece. May we strive onwards towards self-improvement and the betterment of our writing skills along with ourselves (Yes, I just repeated myself).

PIEONIC:

Yay! A Pinkie Pie story. Because she's my favorite character, I love reading stories about her. But the way this story played out kinda made me sad because of Pinkie turning on Twilight, but I suppose that's the whole point, that betrayal makes it feel that much worse. At least it's all right in the end. I felt like something was off while I was reading the story but I think it's mostly because of the premise. I'm not used to reading dark stories but luckily nothing really bad happened. Okay, maybe a pony got killed, but we barely knew him anyway.

I'm not sure how to explain it but having Pinkie Pie become more powerful than Twilight kinda suspended my disbelief a little bit, not to mention having her try to kill Twilight. I guess they weren't as close friends as I thought. I'm also not sure why she killed Starswirl (Did she?). There were many confusing questions that popped up through my head but that's the normal side effect of anything involve time. Another complaint I have is that Pinkie seems to transform pretty fast in a telling sort of way. Also, if she could read minds, shouldn't she have seen what Twilight wanted to do from a mile away?

Anyhoo, despite how dark it suddenly got, I liked reading the story. Keep up the good work; looking forward to reading more from you. Cheers!


PIERCING OCTAVES:

I really liked this one. I'm not really sure what to say since other people have already commented on the same things and you know what to do already, so... As far as what other people said about ending the story right as she escapes for chapter one, that sounds like a good idea. Otherwise, the ending does seem out of place. But why revisit something you already know if you're going to change it, so I'll just continue on.

I'm curious though, are they real clones or just virtual creations of their players? Are they considered real? If not, what does that make W.T? Fred just killed Scratch, so does that mean that they're not important as long as they're a part of the game? Are they going to try to free others? It does remind me of the Matrix or the Island a little bit, but that's a good thing. Definitely an interesting story. This would be another one of my top five stories on this competition. Definitely looking forward to finding out who wrote this so I can check out your other stories (if applicable).


PINKIE LEARNS ABOUT DOUBLE EDGED SWORDS:

Not sure what to say about this one as everyone else already pointed out what you need to know to improve your story. I thought the random use of "Gerundville" and the fact that the title made up an accidental acronym was pretty funny.

It may have seemed similar to Party of One (Did it? I hadn't noticed), but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Your OC's name is very good and I liked how the ending played out. At first, I didn't understand that Pinkie somehow accidentally grabbed the real sword. I just assumed she grabbed a random one. I had to reread the ending in order to figure out that the real sword was there and she already had it. What a Tweest.

Sure, it may have felt a bit rushed and it had errors, but what story doesn't underneath the time limit? It's more so about the potential of the story idea anymore. Then again, I just like reading about Pinkie Pie, so maybe I'm just biased. Anyhoo, don't stop writing. I'll like to read more of your stuff sometime.


PINKIE'S PANIC:

I can go with the fact that they aren't all good friends because they managed to use the power of the Elements of Harmony despite the fact that they had just met. As time goes on, their relationships grow deeper but despite how close they are, they're not going to share all of their secrets at once. There were concerns from others about exactly what Pinkie's relationships were, so perhaps showing more in story and extending the time would help. Of course, you already plan to do that, so there's no need to point this out. That's what I get for being late with my thoughts on stories. For the most part, everything already got covered.

Sure, it felt like Part of One at times, but I love reading Pinkie stories (it seems hard for many people to write her), so I guess that doesn't matter much to me. The type of character Pinkie is, is the outgoing, friendly type that is "friends" with everyone but not at a deep enough level to matter. No matter how hard she tries, the majority of people she meets will only have a small friendship, nothing more than an acquaintance. Same goes with her personality type and how if she doesn't find someone to share her feelings, she's going to crack eventually.

Which is made obvious by the panic attack. I'm a bit confused as to what was happening until they flat out told us she had a panic attack, but I suppose that's kinda what happens when you get one. Something's wrong and you're not sure what until it's too late. Anyway, moving on.

Okay, I guess that had absolutely nothing to do with your story. Let's just say that I liked reading it and end it at that. Yay Pinkie Pie! Don't forget to Smile, Smile, Smile!


Sweet, three more stories left. Although I read them last week, I must reread them again to stay fresh. Rawr!
>> No. 91675
Finally finished reading everything and voted! I'm going to wait until Wednesday to post my responses though, since I was in it and I don't feel like posting anonymously because that's hard. D:

So this post isn't a total waste, Imma do this:

STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword
>> No. 91749
File 133214011079.png - (176.28KB , 853x657 , 1332118952177.png )
91749
Trixie will not bother with mechanical errors - others have already done that for her, and Trixie would much rather address the core of the stories anyways.

A Case of You:
Grade: 6/10
Thoughts: Simply put, Berry Shine loses her sister and commits suicide by drinking herself to death, is that right? Oh, and let's not forget the obligatory shipping in the middle. Trixie will give you some credit in that it was at least an interesting story, but it needs some work. Was her suicide supposed to be a suckerpunch? Trixie is immune to such tactics, but once again she will give you credit for producing something with some impact.

A Game of Twits:
Grade: 6/10
Thoughts: Hilarity ensues in a world where Twilight is a socially inept fanatic and Fluttershy is secretly a calm intellectual, plus chess. There are plot holes to be punched in this story, but Trixie doesn't feel like bothering with most of them. Only two are worth saying: "Why chess?" and "Why 500 bits?" - any foal can see the latter is absurd. Still not a waste of Trixie's reading time.

A True Magician:
Grade: 5/10
Thoughts: Comedy beginning, serious middle, sad and rushed ending? Barely worth Trixie's time. This story could have been done better, much better, especially the evolution of this (incorrect) interpretation of Trixie's character. You would have done better to have left off the upswing at the end. Then this wouldn't be such a cliche "redemption fic."

Benefits and Consequences:
Grade: 5/10
Thoughts: Well, you're in trouble when Trixie is tempted to skim your story - that gets you a 5 unless you do something good quickly... then you title-dropped the prompt and lost Trixie completely. There is such a thing a sublety. Overall, it was like an episode, if an episode was capable of boring Trixie. Also, those letters were surprisingly poorly written - you should fix that.

Call Me, Call Me:
Grade: 7/10
Thoughts: Run-on sentences. That's what Trixie has to say about this story - your sentences run like a crippled fox in mortal fear. Aside from the pain it causes Trixie to watch such a display, the story itself isn't bad, it's almost good. It just required that Trixie skim clean through the first half.

Correspondence:
Grade: 7/10
Thoughts: Well well well, how strange. Trixie found the cross-outs to be the most interesting part of the story - much more interesting than the letters. There is, of course, the contrivance of the cross out, but Trixie will ignore that for now. The ending displeased Trixie, and generally the writing in the letters was quite poor. Still, Trixie did not find herself bored, if anything she was actually amused at one point.

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane:
Grade: 7/10
Thoughts: The writing was off throughout, but carried by a good, firm story. Trixie is irked that you did nothing to explain Lyra's strange behaviour in the beginning - did Lyra always have the doll? Trixie found herself interested enough in the story to actually want to read it, so you get a 7. The ending did seem rushed, but Trixie will forgive you.

FLaSHBA-K:
Grade: 8/10
Thoughts: Interesting, almost funny, and the writing was passable. Reminded Trixie of an actual episode, sans the more adult themes. Did a fair enough job of attempting humour. Congratulations.

For the Love of All:
Grade: 9/10
Thoughts: Good, quite good. The style grew on Trixie, and the plot was obtuse enough that Trixie didn't know where you were going. Kept Trixie's interest the entire time, a feat in of itself.

Harmony:
Grade: 7/10
Thoughts: Interesting, but mearly an introduction to a much larger story. Sorry, but while what you've produced so far was worth reading, it simply wasn't enough to satisfy Trixie.

I Dream of Dasies:
Grade: 9/10
Thoughts: Well written, interesting, and episode-like. This piece could almost get a 10, but then your premise has to be based of Inception. Take your -1 and be happy.

Minotamed:
Grade: 9/10
Thoughts: Trixie has little to say. It seemed to drag on a bit longer than needed, but this piece captured the essence of an episode well enough to earn an 9 despite any flaws it might have.br />
Pieonic:
Grade: 6/10
Thoughts: Good premise, very telly. Trixie found herself interested in the plot but bored by the narration, so that's why you get a 6. You would do well to re-write this when you have the time.

Piercing Octaves:
Grade: 8/10
Thoughts: Well written, if a bit telly in spots. The story was left incomplete, but ultimately served its purpose as an interesting tale. Trixie found it ultimately contrived, but how contrived is up for debate.

Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords:
Grade: 7/10
Thoughts: You've heard it before, so Trixie won't waste her breath about how much it resembles a particular episode.

Pinkie's Panic:
Grade: 6/10
Thoughts: Okay plot, okay execution, boring premise. It felt rushed, but more than that, the panic attach itself seemed out of place. That, and it's immediate aftermath, did not sit well with Trixie.

Shadows:
Grade: 5/10
Thoughts: Telly, this one is more like the rough-draft of an introduction to a much larger fic. You've taken some strange liberties with world building, and the plot never really reaches a climax, let alone any conflict.

Sword, Hammer, Stallion
Grade: 10/10
Thoughts: Trixie was fully and completely engaged in your story - just take your 10 and be happy.

The Ueton Game:
Grade: 8/10
Thoughts: Well written, but far-fetched and contrived to the extreme, and not even original at that. Consider an 8 a compromise. Trixie personally is not a fan of the darker stuff.
>> No. 91750
File 133214031514.png - (74.94KB , 649x732 , 133166363281.png )
91750
>>91749
There is nothing Trixie hates more than having the password system fail her.

How obnoxious.
>> No. 91752
>>91749
Trixie this, Trixie that. Trixie is a showoff that lives in her parents basement playing MMORPGs.
>> No. 91756
Looks like fourth place is beyond my grasp. I volunteer myself for judging should my story not make the top five.
>> No. 91758
>>91756
I'll make a note to dock your score then.
>> No. 91759
>>91758

Is it bad that I honestly can't tell if you're being serious or not?
>> No. 91761
>>91759
Hahaha. Maybe.
>> No. 91765
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

---

Creepy Doll From Down the Lane
First off, "from" in the title shouldn't be capitalised since it's a preposition.

>A diamond necklace laid inside the box.
lay

In English there are two different verbs, lay and lie, that do similar but distinct things. To lie is to "be located or situated somewhere; occupy a certain position". To lay something is to "cause to have a certain (possibly abstract) location".* The main distinction between the two is their valency, i.e., how many arguments they take.

Lie takes one argument: the subject which is lying.
Lay takes two arguments: the subject which is laying, and the object which is being laid.

Sounds simple enough, right? But then when you get into the verb inflections, it turns out that the past tense of lie is lay, which causes all hell of confusion. The full set of inflections for each verb are:

infinitive, past tense, past participle, 3rd person singular present tense, present participle
lie, lay, lain, lies, lying
lay, laid, laid, lays, laying

So yeah, that's that. Since the quoted verb has only one argument (the diamond necklace), your base verb is lie, whose past-tense inflection is lay. (Don't confuse "the box" as being the object of the verb when it is actually the noun associated with the preposition inside.)

*These are just the primary definitions. Of course like other words they also have abstractions.

>That's okay, you don't have to speak.
Comma splice.

>for awhile
for a while
Awhile is an adverb, while while is (in this context) a noun, and prepositions (in this case for) associate with nouns.

>gawked for her for awhile.
at her for a while

>blankets and pulled it
"blanket" or "them"

>she saw... a doll and a tattered dress.
Unnecessary ellipsis.

>An exact duplicate of Bon Bon.
Fragment.

>It felt... friendly somehow.
Unnecessary ellipsis. Try "It felt friendly, somehow," for the effect you wanted.

>Looking closer, it felt like deja vu somehow.
Poor sentence phrasing, especially since somehow was has a couple sentences ago.

>I’m sorry, I’ll do better!
Comma splice.

>Lyra screaming
Present tense out of nowhere.

>I'll guess I'm eating sandwiches then.
I guess ...

>She wasn't sure but it sounded like it was coming from... under her bed.
Unnecessary ellipsis. Comma before coordinating conjunction but.

>Inside was... the doll
Unnecessary ellipsis and Object-verb-subject phrasing make this sentence very awkard.

>Confused, she looked back in the room but the doll that was sitting on the floor was gone.
Comma before coordinating conjunction but. The sentence also doesn't read too well (or at least, I had to read it thrice to understand what it meant). Consider "Confused, she looked back in the room where the doll should have lain, but it was gone."

>“Don’t you recognize me? "I'm Bon Bon."
Misplaced quotation marks.

>on," Lyra grabbed
Grabbed isn't a speaking verb.

>"I'm sorry, "Lyra whispered.
Misplaced quotation marks.

>repeated
repeatedly

I think you have a bit of an issue with using ellipses in narration. It's not good if your narrator is confused. Unless your narrator is a character or flavourful (which your narrator is neither), restrict him/her/it to saying what is happening. If you need to pace things, try to do so without ellipses, please. If you’re feeling like a more colourful narrator would suit the story better, that’s cool, but confused-objective doesn’t fly.

The story was okay. The prose was very confusing at times when it really needn’t be. The dialogue read well, even with your apparent ellipsis-philia. I don’t really know what else there is to say. [Fluttershy] It’s... nice.

Correspondence
>I hope your still
you’re

>When you went off after that fight with dad; I didn’t think that I’d ever want to talk to you again.
Remove semi-colon, replace with comma if desired. “When” subordinates the clause on the left of your semi-colon.

In just the first paragraph there’s multiple cases where you didn’t put a comma before a coordinating conjunction (e.g., “but”).

Well, yikes. The story was interesting, but the execution was just... well, it needs help. A large portion of Pinkie’s letters were just retelling episodes of the show, so I just skimmed them. The grammar is in dire need of help, to the point where backpedalling onto it being in diary format just won’t cut. I didn’t want to do a line-by-line on this because it would have ended up very, very long.

Now, on Inky changing her name: “Isabelle is good, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t have that Canterlot ring to it.” I’m surely not the first to say, “Um, what?” Isabelle is an extremely royal name. There’s no way this is going to fly past many readers who know much about English culture. And no, “but things werk diffrnt in equestrian” doesn’t cut it. Also, classical musicians wouldn’t call themselves a band. They’d call themselves an ensemble.

Overall, like Vimbert said: nice premise, poor execution. If you go through some thorough editing on this, you might end up with something great. But in its current state the letters just don’t read anything like letters, nor do they read like narration. The style is just sloppy.

Call Me, Call Me
>cheerful employee training program smile
If “employee training program” is a compound adjective, you should hyphenate it.

>All save for one, the one on top, which he placed on his bed.
Fragment.

>Pictures, postcards, bits of drawings and designs for toys. A black-and-white photograph of Doodle as a child in front of his house with his mother and father back when his father still knew the definition of altruism or the meaning of spending time with his son.
Both fragments. Introduce this list with an em dash, and turn into a comma the full-stop that’s splitting the list.

>More fragments that are a part of this enormous list.
Don’t do that, seriously. I’m reading these sentences thinking they’re complete, and then the sentence ends without a verb clause and I’m like “what?” Fragments should be short, and should only be there if they increase readability. That these “sentences” are just another item in this egregious list is painful to read. Since some of these items in the list have commas in them themselves, separate them with a semi-colon—you know, the way you’re supposed to do painfully long lists.

>He found himself loss
lost

>he said agreed.
Nope. Agreed should be in quotes; otherwise you need a dependent clause after said (e.g., “he said he didn’t”). “Agreed” is an odd answer to “Do you mind if I sit here?” anyway.

>of how many night
nights

>He laid down
lay
See above explanation. “Down” is an adverb, not an object. One argument, so your base verb is lie.

>But his joints had grown old and weary, and his bravado, likewise battered by time and disappointment, had atrophied down to a resigned resentment that was content to simply sneer at those that came too close, talked too loud, or smiled too much.
This is a great sentence. More of this.

>In Doodle’s worst bouts of anger, such as then as he stared at the mysterious spots on the ceiling, he would let his frustration fly about [...]
And less of this. That appositive is all kinds of confusing.

>He abruptly became aware of himself and the face before him faded [...]
Comma before “and”. You’ve got a lot of other cases where you didn’t have a comma before a coordinating conjunction, but this was the most jarring. It reads initially as “became aware of (himself and the face before him)”, but then I’m slapped with this extra verb, which throws me into all kinds of parser madness.

>He laid there
lay

Well, yeah, this story was disappointing, primarily because it’s obvious that you are capable of writing some very strong and descriptive prose. Because it’s more of a reflection than a story occurring, all the prose is in passive voice. Find how many of your sentences begin with “He had/was” or some variation, and you’ll see the problem. It’s a shame that you were being held back so heavily by this crutch, because I feel like you could write something very powerful otherwise. Great paragraphs popped out of nowhere amongst the maddening walls of info dump.

---

More to come.
>> No. 91782
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

---

Benefits and Consequences
Cerulean Starlight already went through a large amount of copy-editing, so I’ll skip what he/she has pointed out.

>“Twi? You down there? I...” Spike coughed again, “... you got a reply from the Princess.”
Em dash. Learn to love it.
“Twi? You down there? I”—Spike coughed again—“you got a reply from the Princess.”

>The knock seemed to resonate through the the library and down into the basement, bouncing off the circular wall until it faded into nothingness.
“The” knock. What knock? Surely this should be “a” knock? And you’ve got two “the”s next to each other. And the sentence is passive. Try “A knock resonated throughout the library.” Cull fluff. Is the point that the sound of this knock didn’t echo for eternity—not unlike any other run-of-the-mill knock—something worth mentioning? Is the point that it went down into the basement important? Is Twilight in the basement? Why is she reading books in the basement and not the library? Why do I have a paragraph to this one sentence? Christ, I am going mad.

>Twilight was cut off by the stallion with a pestle cutie mark.
Get rid of this. Put it in the next sentence if you must:
>”We are aware of how rare dragon diseases are,” the stallion with a pestle cutie mark interrupted. “It’s no wonder that you would have to brew your own medicine.”

Okay so, there’s this big plot-hole right here: Why the flipping hell doesn’t Twilight just ask this apothecary to make the antidote? Why does she need super-secret Celestia-library books for something this hick chemist is so lax about?

Again, what? This potion is low-level poop that the apothecary talked about like as if he was sniffing that stuff back in grade school, and now all of a sudden Twilight is making God-tier potions?

So, yeah. This is a pretty boring story. Not much more to say. Weak premise and rushed prose. You could have added a bit of conflict with the apothecaries getting pissed off at Twilight or something, but this entire story is filled with lots of words and not much happenings. And get rid of the implication that the potion is beginner level stuff, because otherwise Twilight getting that super-special book from her connections is trivial.

A True magician
>Fresh flowers from seemingly nowhere, cards appearing and disappearing, sudden bursts of confetti and smoke, the works.
Fragment. List should be introduced with a colon, and “the works” appended with an em dash.

Bleh. Rather typical Trixie story. The main problem with this story is it’s almost entirely monologue. There’s no interaction at all. Even between the crowd and Trixie all we hear is her mocking it. Inner-conflict like this is just cliche to be honest.

A Game of Twits
Skipped by request. I’ll read it later once you’ve touched it up.

A Case of You
There’s a lot of cases where you use semi-colons to separate dependent clauses from the main clause. You’re not supposed to do that.
>; her back rising up and down erratically.
>; uncomfortably close.
>; times when I felt desperately sad and lonely.
>; especially this way.
>; crying and speaking
All of these should be commas.

>; the humping in my head, the erratic beating of my heart, the stinging in my chest
The semi-colon should be a colon or an em dash.

Anyway, wow. This was a really nice story. The narration and prose flowed extremely well, even though it had quite a few errors (which I managed to overlook just because of how well it flowed). Berry’s feelings flowed through the text like a lucid translation. I can really see how Berry would get the thought that Fluttershy could never love her, because she has to love everyone. I can even see how I’d get that same feeling from someone who was too nice to everyone. The subtle tie-in with the prompt here is wonderful. A great story to end them on, and a great story to start them on for those who read them in order.

---

Well, that’s all of them (except for Chess-man’s). Some were great, and some could use a bit of work, but overall I’m really impressed with what ya’ll came up with. Kinda makes me feel bad for my ending being so half-baked. Such is life.
>> No. 91783
File 133217056155.jpg - (11.45KB , 276x182 , images098.jpg )
91783
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

More feedback! How long do we have until voting closes?

A Case of You
That was seriously unexpected. The sentence structure and grammar was decent, and sequence of events was easy enough to follow. I would have said "delve into Berry's moodiness a bit more" to strengthen the hook, but you kept me with you anyways. The descriptions were adequate enough to give me a sense of the surroundings; what really got me was the ending. That was amazingly well-handled; the terseness of the punch, the punch itself (pardon the pun) was strong. Seriously, well done.

Correspondance
The your/you're error right-up is a glaring one. Having used a similiar journal format myself, I can sympathize somewhat with the unusual replacement of italics for strikethroughs, even though imo, the payoff wasn't worth it - implying the feelings through word choice might have been better. The story itself was light reading, which is always good in my books, though much of it felt like a recap of S1 with exclaimation marks. Pinkie felt a little too verbose on paper ("extremely" comes to mind; perhaps "super" or something like that?), and introducing new elements, e.g. Pinkie's life with the Cakes, running the SC Corner would have made it fresher. The idea was there, but you could have done more with it.

Creepy Doll From Down The Lane
I wasn't spooked by this. In fact, I was almost disappointed. Your story had a very original device(?) - the reanimation of Bon-bon as a vengeful doll - but it was hampered by a couple of details, such as the off-handed manner Bon-bon reveals her invincibility. The focus is blurred, I feel, between "I'll be with you forever" as a double-edged sword, and simply "Lyra trying to run from the doll". Nice idea, okay presentation.

Minotamed
I must borrow your inspiration lightning rod some time. The idea was novel, and while Iron Will's motives could have been established more solidly - maybe have him reiterate instances where his "abrasive" nature made life hard for him? - I loved the subsequent events. It played out like an episode - in fact, almost too much like the episode it was based on - but I liked it for that. The maze thing was pretty smart, too. Swift thinking on your part for taking the shortest way to the prompt. Well done.

Piercing Octaves
This is based on something, I'm sure, but I have no idea what on. The first half is mostly action scenes, where you danced across a fine wire between overdoing and not overdoing. Credit to where credit is due; you kept my interest rather well. Then you introduced the clones idea. Without it, the piece wouldn't have made any sense, but it feels like a stub in its current state, just there because it's needed. This is one of those strange pieces where it doesn't feel like a ponyfic, yet removing the pony element would weaken it substantially - Octavia/Frederick's fanon being the wave that holds suspension of disbelief at weaponized instruments - and so I'm not sure what to think of it.

Have I mentioned that you guys are awesome? Because you are, all of you.

>>91749
>The Great and Powerful Trixie likes my entry
>mfw
>> No. 91784
>>91783
>How long until voting closes?
Some eight hours.
>> No. 91787
>>91784

If it ends at 20:00 UTC, wouldn't that be in like three hours?
>> No. 91788
>>91787
If it ended then, yes, but it ends at 00:00.
>> No. 91792
If I were to give numerical rankings to the stories, here's what I'd give:

1
Benefits and Consequences
A True Magician

2
Pinkie Pie Learns About Double Edged Swords
Pinkie's Panic
Pieonic
Sword, Hammer, Stallion

3
Creepy Doll From Down the Lane
Correspondence

4
Call Me, Call Me

5
Harmony
Shadows

6

7
The Ueton Game

8
A Case of You
I Dream of Daisies

9
For the Love of All
Minotamed

10
FLaSHBA-CK

N/A
A Game of Twits
Piercing Octaves
>> No. 91819
>>91792
I'd disagree, but that's just like, my opinion man. I'm actually kinda' siding with Trixie on this one. I'm just happy I wrote something!

Maybe I'll even write some more!

/me goes off to lrn2 into semicolons. (Thanks for all the feedback by the way, all!)
>> No. 91823
STORIES AND VOTING BELOW COMMENTS APPRECIATED

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15274/Double-edged-Sword

Looks like public voting is ending soon. Anyone got some final thoughts?
>> No. 91827
File 133219101615.png - (146.65KB , 333x425 , Pinkamena Happy.png )
91827
>>91749

My apologies for taking so long on this, I don't have much experience with editing raw html so figuring out exactly what I needed to fix took a while, but I believe your spoiler tags have been fixed.

Also, interested in seeing what this is about now, so I'll be watching this thread now.
>> No. 91828
File 133219108130.png - (206.96KB , 1280x1321 )
91828
>>91827

... that was meant to be a modpost. My bad.
>> No. 91845
Twenty minutes left, me hearties. Get your last minute votes in now!
>> No. 91846
File 133220141179.jpg - (79.09KB , 508x383 , durian.jpg )
91846
>>91758
I apologize in advance of this post, as I will not bother to correct any errors. Coherence, grammar, and logic may be scarce.


So you're still looking for judges then? That's a little odd, considfering the fact that I have volunteered myself and myslef and myself several times, only to be met with lukewarm response. ahd while I support the reduction of cassius' score (why not everyone;s score?_ , it's not really, really, REALLY&. Really! Anyway, anyway. Anyway, I should really be a judge. I'm quote certain that O can fdo better than bendejo or corejo or what have you . Addtionalklym, cassius hasn't got shit on me(nor do you, kidney bear. NOR do yoo..
>>91845
I do not number among your hearties. DO not forget this in the futre. Ifg anything, you would be threr heartie.

Ion is a kitty cat, because of t her geneticsss. And the whispekrs

I feel taht I have presented my points well, Iinconcultion, appoint me to [annel. It's not too late yet. Also,
>> No. 91850
File 133220189329.jpg - (1.01MB , 3008x2008 , fireball.jpg )
91850
>>91846
Not composed with tongue or acid. It was english.
>> No. 91851
HERE ARE THY CHAMPIONS:

Sword, Hammer, Stallion
I Dream of Daisies
The Ueton Game
A Game of Twits
Minotamed

>>91846
If you are not among me hearties, why is it that you responded to the call? Checkmate, anon.
>> No. 91854
File 133220227748.jpg - (28.13KB , 500x373 , 129197143500990031.jpg )
91854
>>91846
>Ion is a kitty cat
I can haz cheezeburger?
>> No. 91855
File 133220249555.png - (6.79KB , 220x220 , 220px-Draughts.png )
91855
>>91851
Don't flatter yourself. As previously stated, I am not, nor have I ever been, one of your hearties. I offered my services because I'm just the helpful sort.

King me, kidney bean.
>> No. 91859
>pops in to Ponychan to see what's new.
>sees:
>>91846
>>91851
>>91855


>grabs popcorn.

God I love this fanbase.
>> No. 91860
>>91851


What? FLASHBA-CK should have got my spot.
>> No. 91863
File 133220342673.jpg - (16.07KB , 320x320 , areyounotentertained.jpg )
91863
>>91859
I hope you get popcorn bits stuck deep in your gums.

Also,
>a game of twits
You're just one letter away from a likely title of a game of thrones porn parody. I hope you win.
>> No. 91865
>>91863
Ahh, hope of physical discomfort and an attempt to spitefully compare someone's fiction to a piece of pornographic material.
And all because we share an interest in colorful ponies who teach each other how to love and tolerate one another.
>> No. 91866
>>91860
On FLaSHBA-CK:
>A few words were missing here and there.
>weird sentences and typos
>there are far too many grammatical errors for me to possibly rate it any higher. There were so many randomly dropped words that it hurt.
>outright omitted words and glaring errors
>the writing wasn't quite up to snuff. Far too many grammatical errors for it to be an easy read.
>put off by the many grammatical errors, too many dropped adverbs and articles. Also some word choices seemed a litte off as well. It is almost like the author's milk language wasn't English.

Eh, not really.
>> No. 91871
File 133220535242.jpg - (16.13KB , 460x303 , ads-even-dental-floss-flossing.jpg )
91871
>>91865
Oh you rascal! Learn to read a little more critically.

I do not wish for you to be orally uncomfortable, only for you to have some flossing practice. As a dentist, I think that flossing is pretty awesome, and I want to spread my oral hygiene doctrine to the ends of the earth (and space). I am starting with you.

And I'm afraid that you misunderstood my comment regarding smut, as well. The only comparison drawn was between the title of twitty's fic and that of a hypothetical pornographic film. You have not seen spite.
>> No. 91878
>>91851
I am saddened that my fic made it in and For the Love of All did not. :( At least I know I'll be thoroughly trounced in the final round!
>> No. 91899
File 133221781080.jpg - (49.14KB , 1680x1050 , SorryWe\'reClosed.jpg )
91899
FRIGGIN'
FRIGGIN'
FRIGGIN' FRIGGIN' FRIGGIN'
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NAPPED PAST THE DEADLINE
I SWEAR TIME ZONES DID NOT WORK THAT WAY THE LAST TIME I CHECKED
Eh. It's entirely possible that I wouldn't have had the willpower to read the latter ten fics quickly enough, in any case. Equestria Daily hopefully attracted enough voters to make the lack of mine negligible enough.

>>91783
DUDE. You wrote your protagonist spectacularly. If you revise the story, please, please, please don't change his manner and mentality. He's great.
"For the Love of All" is my favorite of the first nine. I'd have given it and "FLaSHBA-CK" 7/10; they're the only ones that deserved scores higher than 6/10 to me.

I believe everypony's grammar is cooler now than it was back in January.
>> No. 91901
>>91851
Aha! Wishing all you final contestants the best of luck!
>> No. 91907
File 133222231103.gif - (57.05KB , 900x300 , PBF167-Punch_Bout.gif )
91907
>>91851
>so psyched
Thanks to everyone who enjoyed my story and gave it a good score!

Pretty stiff competition.
>> No. 91912
File 133223575342.png - (79.13KB , 100x125 , 132626832651s.png )
91912
>>91851
I can't believe I didn't vote. Like, seriously, what? Even so, awesome work, finalists, and congratulations! =)
>> No. 91925
Predictions, anypony?

I'm wagering:

1. Sword, Hammer, Stallion
2. Either Minotamed or The Ueton Game
3. Whichever failed previously
4. I Dream of Daisies
5. A Game of Twits
>> No. 91927
>>91925

1. Sword, Hammer, Stallion
2. I Dream of Daisy
3. Minotamed
4. A Game of Twits (can be switched with 3).
5. The Ueton Game
>> No. 91930
>>91927
Agreeing with this.

Man, somehow I thought the voting deadline was Wednesday, too. <.< I hope we got a lot of votes regardless!
>> No. 91934
>>91927
I'm with this guy!

It's going to be close, though!
>> No. 91941
File 133226883432.jpg - (39.97KB , 430x539 , dos-equis-pony.jpg )
91941
>>91927
GET OUT OF MY HEAD, ANON
>> No. 91942
1. Sword, Hammer, Stallion
2. A Game of Twits
3. I Dream of Daisy
4. The Ueton Game
5. Minotamed

Though I would have like others in the top 5. Oh well.
>> No. 91961
Congratulations fellow top fivers! I was honestly a little worried when I entered my story. To have even gotten this far is quite rewarding.

I'm glad to see Minotamed got in too, it was honestly my favorite.
>> No. 91976
Leave any bribes under the bus stop bench on the corner of 6th and main.
>> No. 91986
>>91961

Coming from you, I'm flattered.

Congrats to you, everypony in the finalist's, and every contestant who submitted such wonderful works. Can't wait to see the finale.

>>91976

Cash, muffins, or both?
>> No. 92006
>>91986

>Cash, muffins, or both?

Cupcakes and pie are the way to go.
>> No. 92026
>>91986
>>92006
Ooh, pie! Favorites are peach, cherry, strawberry, or blueberry. Though they don't age well under bus stop benches...
>> No. 92063
>>91925

1. I Dream of Daisies
2. Sword, Hammer, Stallion
3. The Ueton Game
4. A Game of Twits
5. Minotamed
>> No. 92501
File 133248319206.jpg - (83.44KB , 633x1261 , 9a5db3c298de5c308e5456db18a431fb-d4jjwul_png.jpg )
92501
Results will be up in four hours. In the meantime I invite everyone to guess the authors to their stories. Most accurate guesser gets a cookie muffin.

List of authors: http://pastebin.com/HC8sbpvS
>> No. 92506
Anonymous ||Harmony
Bidoof ||For the Love of All
Cainiam ||Benefits and Consequences
Casca ||A Case of You
Cassius ||A Game of Twits
Derpyanon ||Sword, Hammer, Stallion
Dublio ||Creepy Doll from Down the Lane
Duskwing ||Correspondence
Ezn ||Minotamed
Grif ||Pinkie Learns About Double-Edged Swords
Kurbz ||Shadows
LunarShadow ||Pieonic
PresentPerfect ||The Ueton Game
Redsquirrel456 ||I Dream of Daisies
RogerDodger ||Piercing Octaves
Silverquill ||Pinkie’s Panic
StarmanTheta ||Call Me, Call Me
The Great and Powerful!Trixie ||A True Magician
Theworstwriter ||FLaSHBA-CK
>> No. 92507
File 133248773514.png - (133.36KB , 450x540 , Applebloom-sad.png )
92507
>>92501
Why would you do that?
>> No. 92509
File 133248819829.png - (74.92KB , 654x750 , v2b3M.png )
92509
>>92507
I said 24 hours 21 hours ago, and I like sticking by the times I say. A man's word is his bond. Besides, a climax is no fun without a little suspense.

Also I'm still writing the wrap-up post.
>> No. 92514
>>92501
Agreeing with >>92506 on
PresentPerfect||The Ueton Game
RogerDodger||Piercing Octaves
The Great and Powerful!Trixie||A True Magician

But
Casca||Correspondence
Readsquirrel456||Sword, Hammer, Stallion
Derpyanon||Minotamed
theworstwriter||Harmony
Duskwing||Pieonic

...and that's all I got.
>> No. 92516
>>92506
Hmm.

PresentPerfect ||Sword, Hammer, Stallion
Dublio ||Creepy Doll from Down the Lane
Ezn ||Minotamed
The Great and Powerful!Trixie ||I Dream of Daisies

is what I have, but that's all.
>> No. 92517
Here's my guess for 13 of the authors.

Cainiam - Correspondence
Cassius - A Game of Twits
Dublio - Creepy Doll from Down the Lane
Ezn - Minotamed
Grif - Pinkie Learns About Double-Edged Swords
Kurbz - Shadows
LunarShadow - Benefits and Consequences
PresentPerfect - The Ueton Game
RogerDodger - I Dream of Daisies
Silverquill - Pinkie’s Panic
StarmanTheta - Call Me, Call Me
The Great and Powerful!Trixie - A True Magician
Theworstwriter - FLaSHBA-CK
>> No. 92521
File 133249811720.jpg - (83.44KB , 633x1261 , 9a5db3c298de5c308e5456db18a431fb-d4jjwul_png.jpg )
92521
Here marks the conclusion of the second /fic/ Write-off. Before we even begin I'd like to say that we had some seriously fierce competition this time, and I believe everyone well-exceeded expectations. The stories in this event achieved an average score of 6.4, easily dwarfing the previous event's 5.6. Even if you didn't come first, even if you came last, you're still a winner, because you got something written down. But enough chat. I'm sure you're all wondering, "Who won?" Well, without further ado, here are your champions:

(Right after the break)

...

(Elevator music) [Automated Operator]: "We'd like to remind you that the top five stories were sorted by judge rankings, and that all other stories were sorted by score from public votes."

—————

Top 5

Gold Medal
Sword, Hammer, Stallion by Redsquirrel456 (8.22)

Silver Medal
Minotamed by Silverquill (7.09)

Bronze Medal
A Game of Twits by Cassius (7.17)

Copper Medallions
I Dream of Daisies by Ezn (7.61)
The Ueton Game by PresentPerfect (7.29)

Top 10

Murky Medallions
FLaSHBA-CK by Derpyanon (7.04)
For the Love of All by Casca (7.04)
Pieonic by Duskwing (6.65)
A Case of You by Anonymous (6.32)
Pinkie Pie Learns About Double Edged Swords by Grif (6.22)

Top 20

Participation Certificate
A True Magician by The Great and Powerful!Trixie (5.96)
Creepy Doll From Down the Lane by Dublio (5.95)
Pinkie's Panic by Bidoof (5.92)
Correspondence by Cainiam (5.77)
Harmony by theworstwriter (5.71)
Piercing Octaves by RogerDodger (5.62)
Call Me, Call Me by StarmanTheta (5.52)
Shadows by Kurbz (5.48)
Benefits and Consequences by LunarShadow (5.09)

I extend again a congratulations to everyone who participated, no matter how well you performed!

—————

Full vote breakdown: http://i.imgur.com/AEc54.png
Total number of voters: 26
This time we had more voters and more votes per voter, and all with fewer viewers! That's pretty cool, I think. Clearly the story quality was so outstanding that it kept people reading.

Giant spreadsheet full o' numbers numbers and graphs and stuff: http://goo.gl/IVx23

The Judges
The final five were sent to a panel of four judges: Corejo, Pascoite, Thanqol, and Vimbert. Their comments and individual rankings: http://goo.gl/FlpOH

Each judge ranked the final five from best to worst, 1st–5th. The scores for the finalists were calculated by the following: 20 – (sum of ranks). For example, a story that that was ranked 5th by all four judges would get a score of zero. Judge tally: http://goo.gl/Yn7BN

—————

Now for the esoteric awards:

Someone Drooled over Your Story
Sword, Hammer, Stallion (9)
A Game of Twits (2)
For the Love of All (2)
Pieonic (2)
The Ueton Game (2)
A Case of You (1)
Creepy Doll From Down the Lane (1)
FLaSHBA-CK (1)
Harmony (1)
I Dream of Daisies (1)
Pinkie Pie Learns About Double Edged Swords (1)

Someone Wants to Send Your Story to the Moon
A Case of You (1)
A True Magician (1)
Benefits and Consequences (1)
Call Me, Call Me (1)
Sword, Hammer, Stallion (1)

Now for the graphs (everybody likes graphs):
• Story Views Against Word Count: http://i.imgur.com/HXjYls.jpg
• Word Count Against Rating: http://i.imgur.com/oqMbes.jpg
• Story Views Against Rating: http://i.imgur.com/asXgBs.jpg
• Story Views by Position on Fimfiction Listing: http://i.imgur.com/D7iH6s.jpg
Whole album: http://imgur.com/a/3ngKV

QUESTIONNAIRE TIME
What did you think of:
• The time limit: too long, too short, just right?
• The start/finish time: bad for you, good for you, indifferent?
• The voting stage: too long, too short, not promoted well enough?
• The use of judges to sort the finalists?
• The prompt?
• The formatting of your stories?*
*Anyone who sent me a .docx and complains gets a slap.

Again, thank you all—voters, submitters, spectators, hecklers, spacemen, admirals, etc.—for your participation in making this a great success!
>> No. 92523
File 133249946406.jpg - (84.82KB , 378x336 , G4DaisyDreamsCharacter.jpg )
92523
>>92521
>4th place
Definitely an improvement from last time.

I'm flattered everybody thought I wrote Minotamed – that was one of my favourites.

Well, now seems like a good time to talk about my story a bit: where the idea came from, how I made it fit the prompt, and a few other tidbits.

Pic is Daisy Dreams. She comes in a two-pack with Fluttershy ( http://mylittlewiki.org/wiki/Daisy_Dreams ). I managed to swap her coat and mane colours in the story like the genius I am, but basically that Daisy is this Daisy. I took some liberty with the cutie mark, of course.

I bought her and Fluttershy a number of months ago and decided I'd write a fic about her one day so she would become worth having. After thinking about the name "Daisy Dreams" for a while, I came to only one conclusion: INCEPTION PONE.

This idea's been sitting in my brain for months, and I guess the prompt was the impetus I needed to actually put it on paper.

Fun fact: Daisy was originally going to go into Fluttershy's nightmare. I swapped her out for Rainbow when I couldn't come up with anything compelling for her to have a nightmare about.

In my mind, there are three double-edged swords in this story: (1) Rainbow's ambition and dedication (drives her to do her best but crushes her if she fails when doing her best), (2) Rainbow's loyalty (she sticks by her friends no matter what, even if it destroys her dreams) and (3) Daisy's hooves-on methods (directly screwing with dreams gets results, but also bites her in the flank and drives her close to her own destruction). I don't think any of those where particularly brilliantly implemented, but oh well.

I only realised this after the Write-Off, but the observant fic reader may have been able to identify me by this story. From Long Distance (chapter 6):
"Sweat broke on White’s forehead as he decided against trying to recall the end of his dream. He found himself envying Daisy Dreams, an earth pony who had mastered lucid dreaming and been the subject of an in-depth study conducted by some of his old classmates and friends. Her dreams were always controlled and she had the psychological resilience of a rock."

I'm pretty happy with how this story came out, but will be making some edits and revisions (and getting reviews) before I publish it anywhere.

Well done to everyone!

I'll answer the questionnaire later.
>> No. 92524
>>92521

Wow.

This is an astonishing result.

The winning fic didn't just win, it absolutely decimated the competition. o.o
>> No. 92525
File 133250082854.png - (41.16KB , 234x261 , 130664127802.png )
92525
>>92521
>Minotamed by Silverquill (7.09)
>FLaSHBA-CK by Derpyanon (7.04)
>For the Love of All by Casca (7.04)
Ah, so close.

Congratulations to everypony! Also, goodness, >>92524 wasn't exaggerating. First place swept.
>> No. 92526
File 133250140455.png - (73.34KB , 900x508 , 130759676939.png )
92526
>>92525
Did some calculating, and turns out Casca got 0.0018 points more than I did. (His 7.043 to my 7.041 or something.) Casca is sixth.
>> No. 92527
>>92525

To put it into perspective, the gap between first and second (in public vote scores, discounting judges' results) was 0.04 larger than the gap between... second and seventh.

Stunning. Absolutely stunning performance.
>> No. 92528
File 133250232721.png - (450.10KB , 1581x1168 , 101319 - artist xeroseis claws derpy_hooves ninja.png )
92528
>>92525
And it was of those I liked the least. Shows what I know, eh? Someone tell me what I missed.
>>92526
Well isn't that something?

p.s. I loved your story. (See: >>91792)
>> No. 92529
>>92528

Well, I wouldn't be too bothered about that, as the only judge not to have it as his #1 pick is the author of what is generally acclaimed as the greatest one-shot fic in MLP fandom history.
>> No. 92530
>>92529
Simply Rarity?
>> No. 92534
>>92530

Actually, it's The Old Stories.
>> No. 92535
File 133250653499.jpg - (21.91KB , 288x288 , tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg )
92535
>>92521
First of all, I'd like to thank Pascoite for the (not-so) little inspiration he gave me to use the prompt literally. I was really looking forward to writing a comedy piece and the prompt had kind of caught me off-guard with it. (How does one write about double-edged swords without introducing some bittersweet?)

The result is the mess that has been compared time and again to Party of One. In my defense, I probably should have gotten about it better, but in my mind, it was never about Pinkie's fear of losing her friends. It was about her losing her status as the bestest, awesomest party pony ever in Equestria. Or at least in Ponyville. Could it have been done better? Absolutely. Am I an unoriginal hack with no sense of imagination? Probably. Still, I had fun and watching the comments rolled in was informative to say the least.

As for the prompt, there two things I wanted to go here. One was the literal double-edged sword. Another was actually metaphorical. Too much parties can be a bad thing. The second was clearly not telegraphed properly and the comments reflected that. I apologise for the slip-shod writing and atrocious grammar.

tl;dr? It was fun, and thank you all to those who commented and voted!

(I haven't read any of the write-off entries yet to real-life concerns, but you can be sure I'll return with a belated review after it is over.)
>> No. 92536
File 133250700382.png - (144.89KB , 261x320 , Mr_ Fabulous.png )
92536
>>92521
Awesome! Congratulations, everyone, especially the top 5! Talk about a grand intro, Redsquirrel456 - you well and truly trounced us on your first attempt.

It's been a pleasure playing with you guys, more than I expected. I really did enjoy every fic I read, and I'm humbled that some of you enjoyed mine. It's not exactly a good piece of writing, but it's, apparently, an enjoyable fanfic, and I'm happy for it to be that. A bit of polishing, thanks to Cerulean's pointers, and off to Fimfic it goes!

Also, Roger, thanks for being such a chap and organizing this shindig. Wonderful job, especially at getting Thanquol on the judging panel - it makes me wish that I had tried harder, just to see what he'd have commented about mine.

Good job, everyone, and a round of virtual cider for all!

>The time limit: too long, too short, just right?
>The start/finish time: bad for you, good for you, indifferent?
>The voting stage: too long, too short, not promoted well enough?
> The formatting of your stories?
All of these were all right for me. Missing out on voting was negligence on my behalf entirely.

>The use of judges to sort the finalists?
It's a good idea - viewpoints are more critical than the votes of the public, focuses on littler things that we'd have missed which tip the balance of quality, and makes it feel more like something from /fic/ .

>The prompt?
I hated it. =\ My first few ideas were all stumps. Finally I ended up thinking, "Let's play the Hurt!Fluttershy origins card since that works so well", and the journal format was an easy way to provide the insight needed, which is why it ended up the way it was. Still...

Ah, now I have to go read A Game of Twits, because Cassius.
>> No. 92539
It's later.

>• The time limit: too long, too short, just right?
I think it was just right. My ending was a bit rushed and some of my transitions weren't great, but not because of the time limit.

>• The start/finish time: bad for you, good for you, indifferent?
Perfect, both of them: 10PM on Friday and Monday.

>• The voting stage: too long, too short, not promoted well enough?
I think you did a good job of promotion this time, and we got a good few folks reading and commenting on all of the stories. I don't think there's any more you could do to promote this – the idea of having to read all these words is going to alienate a lot of folk regardless, so there's really only so much interest we can hope to get.

>• The use of judges to sort the finalists?
Even though I would have come 2nd without judges, I'm going to say good. The point of this competition is really to write, not to win anything. Having the judges' criticisms on hand will be very useful for the revisions I plan to do before presenting this story.

On that note, if Pascoite's watching this thread, I'd like to get some specific details about
>more mechanical errors than I'd like to see, and not of the rushed/typo kind, either.
>and not of the rushed/typo kind, either.
if it wouldn't be too much trouble. I'd really like to know about any gaps in my grammatical knowledge.

>• The prompt?
I liked it a whole lot better than those FIMfic prompts. Phrases that can be used as themes are the best kinds of writing prompts, or at least the kinds that have generally succeeded in inspiring me to write.

>• The formatting of your stories?
All good.
>> No. 92541
>>92521
Congrats to all who entered and made this a successful event!

In response to the survey questions:
For the most part, I'm happy with how the contest was run, but I would be interested in contributing to a future one. The time limit is a double-edged sword (ha!). Full-time job and a family mean that on an average weekend, I get at most 15 hours that I could write. For me, that's a pretty stringent pace to crank out a 5k word fic. But... extending that gives everyone else more time than it gives me, so... hm. Given the spirit of the contest, that's probably as good a time as any, I suppose. I'd prefer a start time as early as possible on Friday.

When's the next one?
>> No. 92542
>>92541
>When's the next one?
Month-ish
>> No. 92543
>>92539
Well, maybe I just have a skewed opinion of what people will do when they're rushed. I'll scan through again and get back to you.
>> No. 92545
>>92536
t least read the "good" version. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t6gMwBUZ-JQVpYn-poewf0FjZIFcaRzpSuIjXcpzUBU/mobilebasic

Will comment later.
>> No. 92546
File 133251586999.png - (523.97KB , 800x600 , cranky_doodle_donkey_by_raikoh14-d4qjfc9.png )
92546
>>92521

>17th place

Well, that was better than I expected, at least...And I guess my writing style really is that obvious. Next time I'm going to have to make sure I don't write like me.

Seeing as the contest is over, I feel like I should take this opportunity to address some of the comments on my stories (not that it would really benefit people's interpretations--if what I wanted to convey didn't come through in the writing I failed, simple as that, and mentioning it outside the story won't change that, but at least it should help me not fuck up again later down the road). Firstly, about the use of the prompt, the double-edged sword in the story...I'll admit that it was really tangentially related and I'm not surprised no one seemed to get it. Basically, the double-edged sword was supposed to be Cranky's love for Matilda, in that it both gave him strength in his time of need and he found a sort of peace in her, but at the same time it ultimately broke him down when he could not find her. Loving someone else doesn't always go peachy-keen. Admittedly, there are parts in the story where I now see I could have played that up a lot better, and I guess I relied too much on people knowing the plot of his episode to get it.

Also, some people wondered why he reminisced about Matilda, and I was trying to imply that he did that everywhere he went (I thought I said so explicitly, but I dunno). What I was going for is to see the final breakdown he had that resulted in him giving up his search and going into Ponyville--that he had been completely worn down and started to grow resentful, but couldn't bring himself to actually hate Matilda no matter what. Vimbert asked if his resolve or character was supposed to change throughout the story, and what I was trying to go for was both showing how he went to giving up, since he was still searching at the beginning of the story, and how he came to the conclusion that he wasn't the best for Matilda and lets go, in a sense. I dunno. I guess it really didn't come off well.

I noticed a lot of people mentioned that it didn't seem like a story but rather a really long scene, in that it didn't really have a beginning or an end, or that it was filler in a longer work. Could someone elaborate on that? I don't quite understand it myself, or how I would manage to expand the ending farther than how it goes; we know what happens after he leaves his hotel. Should I have just not set it all in one place?

I guess the thing that bugs me the most is that someone mentioned that it wasn't really ambitious or anything, which I guess it wasn't. Dunno really what to do about that.

>• The time limit: too long, too short, just right?

It was fine for me.

>• The start/finish time: bad for you, good for you, indifferent?

It worked for me, but it did end while I was on Spring Break so...

>• The voting stage: too long, too short, not promoted well enough?

Didn't participate in voting since I didn't feel qualified enough to make a sound judgement so I dunno. Promoted it as well as you could.

>• The use of judges to sort the finalists?

Seems fine to me.

>• The prompt?

Eh. Could have been better, but it is what it is.

>• The formatting of your stories?*

To be honest, I didn't even look at my story after it was posted. I tend not to read anything I write after the fact unless I'm revising it, so I dunno.

In any case, congratulations to the top five, and I hope everyone who participated had fun.
>> No. 92548
Seeing how my story was split down the middle between 'liked it' and 'not my kinda story', I'm surprised I made it to second place, let alone the top five. Still, I'm not complaining, and I humbly accept my second silver medal. Congrats to the top five and everyone who entered, you all did well.

Addressing a couple things about my story: I tried to distance it from 'Putting Your Hoof Down', but in the end, I suppose they were still just too similar. The double-edged sword in the story was the 'new' Iron Will; his newfound gentle side allowed him to make friends and be calm, but it left him unable to stand up for himself. There were probably other subconscious swords, but that was the main one.

Looks like there's nothing more for me to do than make some edits, find a reviewer, and submit this. Hope to see y'all at the next round, everypony.

Questionarre:

• The time limit: too long, too short, just right?: Juuuuust right.
• The start/finish time: bad for you, good for you, indifferent?: Again, just right.
• The voting stage: too long, too short, not promoted well enough?: Perfect.
• The use of judges to sort the finalists?: I liked it. Makes the results that much more interesting.
• The prompt?: It was better than the fimfic write off prompts, but worse than the last round's prompt. Though, out of the five options chosen, this was definitely the best. Still, there were others suggested that were much better.
• The formatting of your stories?*: No complaints here.

Have a nice day, everyone.
>> No. 92549
Well, this is an honor after all that fretting refreshing this page over and over! I think I did pretty well for writing my fic in... what, the last four or five hours before the submission deadline?! Going by the judge's comments I only barely edged out Minotamed, which deserved its high ranking. Big congratulations to all the other authors, brohoofs all around just for being here. There's stuff here you can go crazy with now that the deadline is past.

I think this contest was set up very well in almost all areas, and thanks for that RogerDodger. But I was disappointed to see only 26 voters even with a post on ED announcing it. I don't think there's much more you can do to promote a pony event than that. Well, what can you do? I think the use of judges was just fine, especially getting such well qualified ones. Makes you try that much harder knowing your story won't just be a toss-up in a big public vote.

I didn't like this particular prompt though... I think in some ways it was too specific, yet not specific enough. There's a lot of things people can consider a 'double-edged sword,' yet not many of them can be compelling enough to carry an entire story using just that idea. But that's just my opinion.
>> No. 92557
Woot! Up by 1.77 after last time. That is definitely some improvement and nopony wanted it sent to the moon which is always a big plus. Very surprised that Minotamed took second actually, I didn't like that fic at all. But congratulations to everyone in the top five, particularly this month's breakaway hit. That is a massive difference between 1st and 2nd, especially in a close-knit competition like this.

Questionnaire:
The time limit would have been perfect... had it not been Mass Effect 3 release weekend. I kinda spent all my spare time on Friday, Saturday and Sunday on ME3 and rushed this fic in four hours on Monday.

I preferred the start and finish time too. It was a lot more convenient for me.

As previously stated we got an EQD post, beyond that what more can we try for? I suppose the next option (which would probably never pan out) is to petition Knighty to post about it on FimFiction.

The voting stage was plenty of time for me.

Judges for finalists seemed to work out perfectly. At first I was a little sceptical, considering this was meant to be for newbs to pros, but it worked out well.

Gah! That prompt. I spent more time thinking about the prompt than I did writing! That was an evil prompt! evil! But it did turn out all these awesome stories so it can't have been all bad.

Formatting was an issue for me in that you deleted my author note. Thankfully most people realised it was supposed to be strikeout but I think that note might have helped a little.


I've never been the best when it comes to comma use, but I shall endeavour to work on this skill for next months round, do not fear. This is Cainiam, over and out.
>> No. 92568
>>92521
First, to respond to Roger's post, the judges did change something, but only one thing. On the whole, popular score was largely predictive of final outcome. (I'd have put Minotamed higher than it scored in the voting as well.) That said, they did provide a lot more in-depth feedback than your average poster; keep working on it. Everything else was good, save perhaps for the prompt, which it seems gave people pause and was in some cases outright ignored, even though most took the metaphorical route. So yeah, stories were all around better this time and I'm gonna be a dick and give out my feedback now. Lowest grade I gave was a 3, with a 9 and a 10. Average: 6.1.

A Case of You
Telegraph all the things! Flutterpunch? That's unusual. What's more unusual is Fluttershy being in a bar. I mean, why? I like the doctor's cutie mark. Mostly, this is just very blatant about everything going on in it -- the crush, the alcoholism -- that it's a very bland read, and I'm still having trouble getting over the central idea. Not sure what the double-edged sword was, either; everything just seems to be going bad for Berry, and then needlessly depressing end.

A Game of Twits
Wow, second longest. Opening's obvious as hell. And then RARITY AM I BEAUTIFUL and everything was roses. That's a hell of a tab and I know how this is going to end now. Fluttershy's dialogue seems very un-Fluttershy in a lot of places; there's not nearly enough hedging and umming. Training montages, yes! Mr. Cake's role is amazing. ...Wait, is this humanized? I mean, the last story used "hand" a couple of times too, but fingers? D: Would have been nice to know sooner. They are now all humans and naked until further notice. Y'know, had I been told that this was a story about Twilight and Fluttershy playing chess, I would have dubbed it too boring to read. As it is, though it could use some work, no doubt because of the 72-hour schedule, and the ending wasn't terribly satisfying, I found this hilarious and entertaining, and that's all I ask for. Well done!

A True Magician
Ahh, the maniacal Come to Life spell. This is a nice look into Trixie's life, taking an angle on her that I haven't really seen before. Not much more to it than that.

Benefits and Consequences
Of course Zecora's not there, why would she be? I really didn't like this, partially because it's got Lesson Zero syndrome (Twilight makes things worse for everyone), partly because the ending was sort of not an ending, but mostly just because the writing was fairly plain and full of errors that should have been caught by a read-through. Well, assuming you had time. Mostly it was plain. And the first story to use the words 'double-edged sword' in the text, for what that's worth.

Call Me, Call Me
Oh ho ho, a Cranky Doodle fic? :D Huzzah! His scrapbook is a great narrative device. Is he called Cranky because he wanted to make crank-wound toys, then? This fills in his backstory very nicely; that was what I liked so much about him in the episode. Very touching, I really liked this one, though again I'm not seeing the prompt so much.

Correspondence
Yaaaay Octavia Isabelle Octavia Pie! I still have a ridiculous place in my heart for that concept. Not sure why this got formatted with italics instead of strikeouts, but now that I've figured out that's what's going on, I can at least interpret it properly. I'm a little miffed that this has gotten into just recapping the episodes in Pinkie's voice, but the conversation between the two is enjoyable at least, and I do like the timeline of everything leading up to Nightmare Moon's defeat. Vinyl Scratch feels a bit shoehorned in. That ending... ouch! Yet I enjoyed the progression up to it. Not bad.

Creepy Doll from Down the Lane
You know, I just read a fic where Lyra's the one who gets injured/killed right after a major event in their relationship, and I kind of resent having to go through that again. Creepy doll is creepy, but it's also a little over the top, and handled pretty poorly. The creep factor gets undercut around "Kill yourself" and from that point I couldn't really appreciate the setup. The ending's a real letdown though; feels like you ran out of time. :/

Flashback
This is really weird and oops, there's the prompt! That said, once she's out and about and her character starts to show in her interactions with the other ponies, this picks up. This one definitely the uses the theme well. Ending's kind of meh, but this turned out a little better than I thought it would.

For the Love of All
...Is that an intentional omission? Does fimfic not support strikeout or something? These omissions are slightly maddening; I want to know why they occur if nothing more. Oh shit, I never would have guessed that was who it was. Anyway, the voice caught me immediately, and even the switch halfway didn't break the story like I thought it would. I swear, Casca, if this is you, I will stab hug you for doing the same thing twice and doing it well. ...Wait, FUCK, did you write this as a sequel to... No, that wouldn't make sense. But Red Jacket. D: I want a story about Maretopia next, plzkthx.

Harmony
This is pretty haphazard. I've seen "Discord taunts Celestia" time and time again, and usually better than what's here. The ending gets a big "wat".

I Dream of Daisies
I rather wish this had been entirely from Daisy's perspective, as the shift partway in kind of threw me. Her foray into the dream world was handled well, with some pleasant surprises like the wings, and overall I enjoyed reading this. It's nice seeing somepony completely new tangling with the Nightmare for once.

Minotamed
The is the goofiest damn idea. But you know what? I enjoyed it. I spent a lot of time laughing through this, especially at Fluttershy's catch phrases. Iron Will is written surprisingly well, and the whole thing about the Minotaur Maze was really fascinating, good world-building. I'm honestly impressed by the whole thing,

Pieonic
Third-longest fic, eh? As I read this, I'm just kind of staring, dumbfounded, at the entire concept behind it. I think, overall, this just doesn't make any sense. I find myself hard-pressed to even react to it, at least until "Pinkie killed Star Swirl" happened. >humanity

Piercing Octaves
Ten bucks says this stars Octavia. (Sucker bet!) "Arcade blue"? Is... this aGItaroo Man crossover? c.c That LOTR reference was a really poor choice. Massive runons are makingthis hard to read. Well, I actually find it pretty hard to read in general, first because of contextless gameplay (which I think makes me a hypocrite for saying) and second because it's another story full of music words and I don't understand those. I skipped over large portions of this and felt like I missed nothing. But seriously, none of the explanations make any sense at all.

Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords
I've been poo-pooing the stories that outwardly use the term 'double-edged sword', but I will give this major props for being blatant about doing so. "Gerundville"? o.o I was very bewildered by the entire opening, but once she actually gets to the legendary sword part, things pick up a little. It feels rushed, but that's kind of part and parcel with a contest like this. There were some weird verb conjugations and word agreements. c.c I appreciate the effort, if nothing else.

Pinkie's Panic
Eww, tomato cupcakes. D: Nooo Pinkie, there is nothing about this that is good. D: That little bit about baking focusing the chaos in her head was intriguing. I'm very disappointed that she went Pinkamina though, I saw it coming a mile away and didn't want it to be true. It's even worse that this is basically just "Pinkie has a panic attack" and little more. It's so slice of life it hurts, not to mention it mostly just feels like a rehash of Party of One. I didn't like it at all.

Shadows
Trixie gets recruited by Nightmare Moon: it's up there with "Rainbow Dash loses her wings" and "Twilight fucks up a spell" in the "done to death" category by now. Maybe if the writing this weren't so plain, it would be more interesting, but I really didn't enjoy it, even "Trixie is Celestia's daughter" made me go "wat". I didn't really buy her backstory at all.

Sword, Hammer, Stallion
Cross Tree comes across as a very strong character from the outset. So's Reveille, and a good product of his upbringing. Honestly, this fic is so damned good it makes me want to cry. My only complaint is it needs more; so much time is skipped near the end, but what's there works perfectly. They really saved the best for last this time.

The Ueton Game
I guess since mine is last last, I should say something about it. This was based on a dream -- yes, that actually blended ponies with Binding of Isaac -- which is half the reason why it makes no sense at all. The other half-reason is that it was only half-envisioned when I, in blind panic, switch stories Friday night. You can tell right about where I started making shit up, because that's where everyone starts complaining about it. Moreover, this was planned to be a long-form fic, which some have caught, and cramming it into 8800 words meant I left out just about everything leading up to the ending. And speaking of 8800 words, thanks for making me look like a jerk, guys. D: I kind of said how many words I'd written because I was expecting someone else to have written as many, or more, but instead it was blatantly obvious to anyone who followed the thread just who wrote this! :| Thanks. Anyway, I'll be rewriting this later, along my original vision for it, and hopefully it'll be better. It will certainly be informed by all the nice folks who've given feedback; many thanks for that. :D Final note: I'm shocked and saddened no one called me out on the faux Japanese name. I mean, that's another dream thing and it's completely messed up, if you ask me.

Responses to specific things: I'm proud to have made Pascoite use the phrase "colon overload". I'm glad you sensed shipping, Thanqol; I'm not sure why it ended up like that, but I was doing my darnedest not to make it shipping. I'm okay with 'Miriam' myself, but I will always use Elizabeth. Vimbert, y u redact commentary? D:

>>92516
You flatter me, sir.

Good show, everypony! I had a lot of fun with this (it's so much better when you're actually participating!)
>> No. 92570
>>92568
>runons are making this hard to read.
Would be able to point out any examples of this? I like to think that my mechanics are at least sound.
>> No. 92577
>>92568
My critiques were more or less what I left on FiMFic comments, but with more... bluntness. Suffice to say I wasn't aware Roger was intending to make them public and I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying things like (for example): "Why the hell is [REDACTED] even in here?! I wanted to see [REDACTED] place instead." Thus, I requested they be redacted.
>> No. 92578
File 133252899966.png - (389.35KB , 750x720 , 131713551540.png )
92578
>>92568
Hehe, I guess it was more of a kind of: 'Hey, I want to write this, oh look, it fits the prompt kind of vaguely! Let's do it!'

I was going for alcohol allowing her to be free of her past, but it also keeping her from living in the present as the double-edged sword. But yes, it's weak and I don't think I did it very well. Meh, I'll do something better next time!

Awnswerin' Questchinz:
• The time limit: too long, too short, just right?
Just right. It's my lazy-ass' fault that I had to rush it towards the end, the time-limit was fine.
• The start/finish time: bad for you, good for you, indifferent?
Actually, it allowed me to squeeze in an hour's worth of editing after getting home the next day before I had to submit it, so that was cool.
• The voting stage: too long, too short, not promoted well enough?
I can't see how we could have promoted it any more. I think we got enough votes, but I can't help but feel the stories' order helped me out. I think I should have been under 'c' instead of 'a'.
• The use of judges to sort the finalists?
Sure, I don't mind.
• The prompt?
I think it was pretty good. Better than the Fimfic write-off one. But then again, it was only happy coincidence I thought of something for it in time. I liked that it was pretty open-ended.
• The formatting of your stories?
Perfecto, señor!

Thanks all, it was real fun, and I look forward to next time!
>> No. 92595
File 133253973915.png - (11.31KB , 300x300 , 300px-Bronze_medal_blank_svg.png )
92595
>>92521

Bronze man yay!

I honestly thought that I had no chance of winning anything in this competition from the comments not even fourth place . I was under the weather throughout the entire competition week, and I had an odd combination of horrified amusement with what I had written. It's been six months since I've written anything fiction or pony, which is why you see horribly disfigured ponies with hands, and in one instance, fingers. I'm generally embarrassed with the lack of polish I was able to put on this story, but as I'm sure most of you know by now that I didn't have time to proof my story (for the most part).

On the other more positive hand, I had fun writing it, though I was pretty miserable physically. People seem to find me funny, which is good, because I like to think that I am not unfunny, and that people appreciate my comic styling.I really do want to thank everyone who voted for my story or didn't vote and enjoyed it. Everyone in general too, but especially the people who helped me spot my oh-so-hilarious blunders. Expect to see this on Equestria Daily sometime
once I write a new ending and fix the progression up .

From Presentperfect's comments:

>Opening's obvious as hell.

I'm not sure what this means? Other than that, glad you liked it. I AM SORRY FOR THE HANDS AND FINGERS, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

Super-secret message for EZN: you deserved my spot, and I am sorry for taking third.

>Corejo doesn't think I'm funny, or should be on the finalist list
>Somehow I am still placed third in his list.

Oh, I'll get you in Transcendence 16, you whippersnapper!

And now, the questionnaire:

>• The time limit: too long, too short, just right?
I like the amount of time given, but it really doesn't matter how much time you give me; I'm going to start on the last day.
>• The start/finish time: bad for you, good for you, indifferent?
A bit inconvenient. I wrote 4.5k at 4am before the competition ended, went to sleep, and had to get up at eight so I could write the rest of the damn thing before submitting time ended.
>• The voting stage: too long, too short, not promoted well enough?
I like it the way it is.
>• The use of judges to sort the finalists?
Worked out.
>• The prompt?
Oh god no, never again. I wrote without even having the prompt in mind because I knew I could just justify it through character interactions.
>• The formatting of your stories?*
I only had one issue where spacing was a problem, but that was it.
>> No. 92599
I expected as much.

My comments are nothing but positive all around.

Enough time, judges good, prompt serviceable, etc.

But yeah, I churned out another subpar piece of wat. It's been ages since I've written anything worthwhile, and the slump is only worsening. Here's hoping that in a month's time I'll be back on the horse and able to make something decent.
>> No. 92600
File 133254316494.png - (123.21KB , 640x498 , 40744_nightmare_moon_trixie_nightmare_display.png )
92600
Well, I'm surprised I placed as high as I did. Honestly, the story should end up being 20k, but I was lazy that weekend and could only write at midnightish. Anyway, I'm sorry for dragging down the quality, I know mine was easily one of the worst (all be it, there were a lot of great ones). I've answered my criticisms before, and I agree with most of them. I do wish someone would point out where the bloody comma errors are.

>The time limit: too long, too short, just right?
I like the amount of time given.
>The start/finish time: bad for you, good for you, indifferent?
Seemed fine to me.
>The voting stage: too long, too short, not promoted well enough?
I like it the way it is.
>The use of judges to sort the finalists?
Meh.
>The prompt?
It seems like people expect the prompt to be taken literally, and didn't get any of the metaphorical interpretations that a lot of stories relied upon.
>The formatting of your stories?*
No issues.
>> No. 92634
File 133255154674.png - (246.68KB , 1280x1482 , Fluttershy-happy2.png )
92634
>I've been poo-pooing the stories that outwardly use the term 'double-edged sword', but I will give this major props for being blatant about doing so.
That's a good thing... right?

>"Gerundville"?
Pfftt. I really should change this.

>I was very bewildered by the entire opening, but once she actually gets to the legendary sword part, things pick up a little. It feels rushed, but that's kind of part and parcel with a contest like this.
Interesting. What exactly threw you off?

>There were some weird verb conjugations and word agreements. c.c
This I must know. Do you mind giving example?

>I appreciate the effort, if nothing else.
Yay, thanks.
>> No. 92637
File 133255299409.png - (79.44KB , 573x618 , 131732453273.png )
92637
And I guess I'll own up to writing 'A Case of You' now...

I was scared it was going to be really horrible, so I decided I could submit it anonymously and pretend I didn't write it! Because that's how much self-confidence I have!
>> No. 92644
>>92539
Do you want a dump here, or via email (you can pm me your address via FiMFiction or IRC)?
>> No. 92658
>>92570
I think rather than 'runons' I meant passages like this:

>She stopped playing the game, and so you were left in the game, but you weren't playing the game, or you didn't think you were, or you didn't know what you were doing, or you were just going along with it, or something like that.

Which has less to do with sentence structure and more to do with what in the flying waffle fuck is he saying? D: I did honestly skim most of the story because music words, though, that was a far worse problem for me.

>>92577
Then I have already thanked you for your feedback! :D Or at least, I've already read and appreciated it.

>>92595
>I'm not sure what this means?
It was very obvious that you were trying to make it not obvious that it was two ponies playing chess.

>>92634
Yeah, that was a good thing. I appreciate good tongue in cheek. :)

The opening is very "I've already seen this in the show", and I think I was bewildered at your choosing to retread old ground. As for conjugation and agreement... I'd have to read the entire thing again to find any.
>> No. 92721
>>92521
>• The voting stage: too long, too short, not promoted well enough?
>>90876
>>90998
A week is too short! I'd personally ask for two.
>• The use of judges to sort the finalists?
Great. While I hope for the next contest to have more than a mere five, FiMFic only had six, or seven, if knighty is counted.
>• The prompt?
Seriously, having prompts that are themes or abstract concepts is much better than being told what events to use, as in FiMFic's Write-Off.
Guys, what's a good "three-noun noun" prompt for the next contest?

>>92536
Aaaa I really loved "For the Love of All"! You are too cool, Casca.
Do you plan to upload "Pipsqueak the Valiant's Adventure Journal!" to FiMFic?
I think that both of them do a good job of using journal format. Do you often tend to use it?

>>92546
Your story was underrated, man.

>>92595
I noticed that, too.
Corejo? Isn't the point of you being on the judging panel for you to oppose the popular opinion if you believe it's unreasonable?
>> No. 92739
>>92721
>having prompts that are themes or abstract concepts is much better than being told what events to use, as in FiMFic's Write-Off.
This is very correct, but people fail to recognize them when they aren't slapped in the face with it (apparently).
>> No. 92744
File 133257160265.png - (374.78KB , 680x453 , 132902796411.png )
92744
>The time limit: too long, too short, just right?
>The start/finish time: bad for you, good for you, indifferent?
>The voting stage: too long, too short, not promoted well enough?
I kind of derped on all three points there, but that's because I had things I needed to get to.

>The formatting of your stories?
Seemed fine to me.

>The use of judges to sort the finalists?
I think the use of judges over public voting for only the top X fics as opposed to an all-or-nothing deal is kind of weird, but that's just me.

>The prompt?
When I entered the Write Off, I went in with the mentality of, "Okay! No matter what prompt gets thrown at me, I'm going to bend it to be happy and cheerful!"
>"Double-edged sword"
"...Ah."
>> No. 92756
File 133258182359.png - (73.37KB , 109x125 , 133084190276s.png )
92756
>>92568
>...Is that an intentional omission? Does fimfic not support strikeout or something? These omissions are slightly maddening; I want to know why they occur if nothing more.
The omissions were whiteouts. Literally, like what would happen if she were thinking, "I should write this", but her brain omits it so she ends up writing nothing.

>I swear, Casca, if this is you, I will stab hug you for doing the same thing twice and doing it well. ...Wait, FUCK, did you write this as a sequel to... No, that wouldn't make sense. But Red Jacket. D: I want a story about Maretopia next, plzkthx.
<3

In a Tom backstory I did, Flutter's caretaker is called Blue Jacket. Red Jacket came up in Pip's Journal. I wasn't aware that I had re-used his name. o_o dangnamit. And, if all goes well, i.e. I get my Intel!Derpy and Pipsqueak's sequel done, I'll work on the Maretopia thing. Thanks for pointing that out, though. I really need to get better names. Fun fact: White Wings is a brand of cake mix. I wrote his part in during lunchtime, which might explain this...

>>92721
>pic
Your pointers are the best, man.

Yeah, I have to upload PtVAJ to both my Fimfic and FF.net account some time. I'll do it when I next get writer's block. This, and FtLoA acronyms, I love you so very much.

>I think that both of them do a good job of using journal format. Do you often tend to use it?
I liked how Pip's Journal turned out, because I could capitalize a lot more on the use of a foal's voice and mannerisms. FtLoA didn't benefit as much, because Flutters doesn't have much of a voice to begin with; no - I don't use the format regularly. These write-offs are sure changing that, though. =x
>> No. 92758
>>92756
>The omissions were whiteouts. Literally, like what would happen if she were thinking, "I should write this", but her brain omits it so she ends up writing nothing.
Ah! So they were deliberate!

Okay, this whiteout is seventeen spaces. These two are seventeen, too; cool. . . . Pah. Nine. Eighteen. Ten. Sixteen. Another sixteen.
If you really must use spaces, shouldn't you be consistent and use the same number of them each time?

I really dislike the spaces; FiMFiction justifies text, so you'll have one line with eighteen tiny, squished spaces, and you'll have another line with eight wide, stretched ones, and it looks so wrong you should see when people use spaces to indent instead of the Tab key it just makes me sad aaaaaaaa

Have you ever heard of people denoting omissions with pairs of em dashes? I love these things. My favorite punctuation mark, the em dash. It's the coolest.

But big sis said I was keeping the whole house up, and she —— so I didn’t read aloud anymore.
White Wings said he tried to visit me, but ——.
She said —— and Dad —— and I didn’t want to listen so I’m here now, in Mummy’s room, where it’s safe, because nopony ever argues in Mummy’s room.
He said something about black markets and society and —— and —— and I don’t understand.
Mummy is my Mummy, and Dad is my Dad, even if he ——, and even big sis is my big sis.
Even if she shouts at me and —— but she still cares for me, right?
>> No. 92759
>>92758
As much as I love em dashes, this is poor use. Omissions in journal-like narrative are almost always indicated by spaced ellipses (. . .). You're right that giant gaps of white are definitely not a good idea, though.
>> No. 92777
>>92758
The spaced-out ellipse is a first for me. I'll use that, for sure. The whiteouts were actually tabs. =P the number of tabs used was wantonly random at best, so you've got me good there.
>> No. 92784
>>92721

Eh, no, I wouldn't say that. After talking to people and reading all the criticisms I think I probably did better than I deserve. Well, whatevs, maybe the next story will be EqD worthy or something. At least I have something to bump my thread with.
>> No. 92892
>>92759
Since you want the informality of a journal, that's definitely logical. I personally still prefer the double em dashes, but that's because I always space my ellipses.
In a formal work, rather than a diary, would you use double em dashes instead of ellipses?
>> No. 92924
Actually, I'm curious. Of all the entries here, how many of you would be shooting for a spot in Equestria Daily?

Mine probably won't have much of a chance, but I'm curious how many would be working to polish their works for the limelight.

>Casca
Why you so good at journals?
>> No. 92935
>>92924
I'll probably submit it when it is finished, but I don't expect to be accepted in all honesty. It is something I'm doing because it's fun and I like the exploration of the concept.
>> No. 92940
>>92924
I wouldn't want to impose. They're already insanely busy with other entries, and I'm not really concerned with Equestria Daily. I'd feel like I was wasting their time if I were to simply throw something in just to see what happens. I don't know if I'll be able to focus enough on this story before my head takes off and comes up with a whole bunch of other ideas for new fics.

Besides, even if only one person gets enjoyment from my writing, that's one more than I expected. I'm just happy I could provide them with that enjoyment.
>> No. 92944
>>92924
Nope, not going to EqD with this. The wildly differing opinions, while amusing, have convinced me that it's better off floating on Fimfic. It's not a surefire success is what I'm saying, and I don't want to impose on the pre-readers' queue unless I'm sure it's a winner.

I don't think it's me being good at journals as others bringing stuff to them. I was stunned when people said that it pointed to origins of The Stare - I had clean forgotten about it, and that wasn't my intention at all! I was really pleased with it, though, and that's the biggest reason why I'm not readily renouncing it: because it's achieved a strange form of success. It's actually garnered its own fanon. [/egotism]
>> No. 92956
>>92924
Only after a massive cleanup. This was a first draft and it has a lot of hanging threads, flawed moments and unrealised potential. I'm gonna fix all that up to the best of my ability and submit. And if I can come up with enough ideas, this may even become a series.
>> No. 92975
>>92924

I'm going to try submitting (after some reviewing and cleaning up, of course). Not sure if it'll be accepted or not, but it's going on fimfic either way.
>> No. 92982
FimFiction for me too. I haven't submitted to EQD in a long time. Frankly, the anticipation stops me from writing anything else, and I get a little obsessive with checking e-mails. It's better for me if I stick with FimFiction.
>> No. 92991
Last word I saw from EqD, their queue wasn't that long. They'd almost eliminated it entirely, but had it go back up to 10 or so. Still small-ish for them.
>> No. 93177
File 133279200269.png - (23.88KB , 112x150 , RD like a boss.png )
93177
Last Place, like a boss.

Now please remove it from the write-off.
>> No. 93184
>>92924
Eventually. Will require a lot of work first.
>> No. 93185
I'll be putting my story up on ED soon enough, when I've added some sections and tightened the writing a bit.
>> No. 93207
>>93185
Please use "EqD."

"ED" is why one takes Viagra.
>> No. 125470
ludimila angueles vai guaia
>> No. 127736
char roulett
[Return] [Entire Thread] [Last 50 posts] [First 100 posts]


Delete post []
Password    
Report post
Reason