>After a minute of silence, another sound cut through the quiet: that of a small pony, coughing.
Capitalize after a colon.
Kinda overplaying Applebuck's need for Applejack. Then again, maybe it was that intense in the original story. Been too long since I've read it.
Yeah, it's like you're trying to hammer his desperation into the reader. Most people won't care, but you might want to consider toning it down.
>"Oh, it's okay dear." the not-Babar soothed,
Need a comma instead.
>Finding another unicorn that wasn't Dusk, but just as strong as him, to pull off the spell had been trickier,
Touting Presto as being more powerful than Dusk is rather risky. He could be capable of doing the spell and, perhaps, more skilled, but being as powerful/knowledgable as Dusk is pushing it.
I don't remember the lead-in to this particularly well. Was Presto able to just do the spell, or did he have a guide? I doubt he'd be able to use a spell of that complexity without Twilight/Dusks notes to go off of.
>"Hey." the orange pegasus
Comma, and LUS warning. Since you didn't describe Scootaloo's colour until this part, though, you get a pass. Be careful with that, though. Most of the reviewers here (unless you're Short_Skirts) will jump on you for it.
>Once again he was floored by how similar they were to his friends back home.
Comma after "again".
>just like Scooteroll. he mused
Comma. You should be more careful with this, as it's fairly common.
There's another one a few paragraphs further. I won't bother marking them anymore. I'm sure you can do a seek-and-destroy without my help. You're doing it right besides the comma/period confusion, which makes it even stranger. I do believe I told you about this in your last thread, so it's rather dissapointing to see it's still an issue.
A link to a website you should take a look at: http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html
>"Scoot!" his female reflection admonished her friend,
In this case, I'm not sure if "admonished" fits a speaking role here, at least not in the way it's used. Could someone more knowledgable about this comment on it? At the very least, it's awkwardly worded IMO.
>". . . A-Ah don't see why not-"
When cutting the sentence short, you should use an em-dash (at least, that's what I've been told). You can get them by going to Insert > Special Characters, then selecting Punctuation on the left bar, then Dashes on the right bar.
Hmm, all in all, decent. I didn't go into skim-mode, which is a good sign. Still, I didn't find myself particularly enthused or anxious for the next chapter, but I'm hardly the best measuring stick for that sort of thing.