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File 132789918079.png - (196.57KB , 455x305 , ticktock.png )
80754 No. 80754
#Reviewer #Training Grounds
*pant, cough* Wait up, everyone! I ran... *wheeze* ran here as fast as I could and--*haaack*--Does anyone have water?! You do? Give it to me!

...Sorry about that. Greetings all, and welcome to the Training Grounds, the review thread for all authors, reviewers, proofreaders, and editors, both newcomer and seasoned veteran. It isn’t the only such thread, but it’s usually the busiest!

How to submit a fic/find your review: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsHowTo
TL;DR for above guide: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsTLDR
The current list of fanfics: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsQueue
The submission form: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsSubmit
IRC (live chat) howto and rules: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsIRC-Howto
IRC link: http://derpy.me/ttgirc
Previous edition of The Training Grounds: >>76709 The sticky (contains important information): >>43232

Some Notes
Do jump in and participate if you can. New reviewers, editors and authors are always welcome!
No one is infallible. If something doesn’t seem right, ask about it! Whether it be about a review you’ve received, a fanfic submitted, or something about the queue spreadsheet, the best way to solve it is through communication.
If you think you’ve been missed: please remind us with a link to your original post.
Feel free to ask questions about fanfics and writing them!
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Reviewers: the writers want their work to shine. Highlight faults with gusto. Don’t fear compliments either: if something makes you smile, a few kind words won’t ruin your review.
Writers: the reviewers love to read, but will often lean towards being critical. Don’t allow it to discourage you; use their criticism to improve your writing! See “Receiving Critique: Gallant” in The Editor’s Omnibus (http://bit.ly/w2Vuyp) and the Submission Etiquette Guide (http://bit.ly/vipO7F).

Helpful Documentation
Sithicus Helpicus: Several takes on the same paragraph of text by multiple authors. http://bit.ly/ovOXpn
CerealVelocity's Writing Guides: These focus on spelling, grammar and punctuation. http://bit.ly/pP8OzY
Escher's Hints: A general purpose improvement guide. http://bit.ly/o8voUF
The Review Board: Check this document for the latest list of reviewers and threads. http://bit.ly/rtOSx7
The Editor’s Omnibus: Writing wisdom, wrung from the willing, wrought with wit and worry: http://bit.ly/u6aY7T
Townson University’s Online Writing Support: illustrated assistance in most aspects of grammar, syntax and punctuation: http://www.towson.edu/ows/index.htm

How to request to be a queue maintainer:
Note: you don’t have to be a maintainer to help out reviewing in this thread. What maintainers do is update and maintain the queue spreadsheet. If you review in The Training Grounds on a regular basis, and would like to help out maintaining the queue:
1) Read / bookmark this document:http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsQueueProcess
2) Email a maintainer (addresses in the “Reviewers / Maintainers” sheet). Say something random in the email, then post the same thing (verbatim) in this thread, preferably identifying yourself with a tripcode.
3) When you’ve been given editing permissions, you may delete your random post.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 80757
File 132789962924.png - (68.49KB , 296x242 , ticktock2.png )
80757
Oh, and writers, please use the submission form in the OP after you make a post here. It helps us not miss any reviews that get sent in. Here it is again:
http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsSubmit
>> No. 80761
Reposting two submissions from the R for Reviewing Edition before it gets nuked.

==================

Title: Kindle the Bonfire
Author: sirhim11
E-mail: sienert@yahoo.com
Tags: [Grimdark] [Adventure] [Crossover]
Synopsis: The Darksign. It brands the dead. Those who die come back as a shell of their former selves. If they do not restore their equinity the ponies lose their minds and go hollow, attacking all who still take breath. Ponies wait for their princesses to end this blight, but no help comes. Equestria is dying.
Links:
Chapter 1- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IIDa-appuiJuOcAsoLhpqePv1sE8KT2qiOGHkCs2Sz0/edit?hl=en_US

Chapter 2- https://docs.google.com/document/d/13yT_BP-rUqrjIm2NDzVJTpYuO0g7KcHYs361ucld68U/edit?hl=en_US

Please review both chapters if possible. If not, please only review chapter 2.

==================

Title: [Pony-Net]
Author: RavensDagger
Email: Mr.chicken501@gmail.com
Tags: Dark Comedy Random
Description:
Military research facility five, built in the year 31NLR, has been unmaintained and abandoned for over seventeen years. Now the central AI [Pony-Net] has found itself a new friend. How will a super intelligent computer cope with the stupidity of an organic being?

Basically a messed up fic about the interactions of two equally messed up chars. Then they die.

Link (note that I also have in it G-Docs if the Editor prefers it that way):
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8635/%5BPONY-Net%5D

Chapters: This is a one-shot.
Comments:

I just really need a plot/Dialogue/Character editor to help me flesh out my characters. Some knowledge of computers would be nice. (It IS about an AI)

==================
>> No. 80763
>>80761
Thank you kindly.
>> No. 80767
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80767
I heartily approve!
>>80761
Thank you as always, Filler, for helping make sure nothing gets missed.
>> No. 80776
New training grounds ALREADY?!
Dayum people, you're really burning through these like a wildfire!
>> No. 80779
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover

Synopsis: Looking for a way to give her reading ability a boost, Twilight's new spell is interrupted by a certain rainbow pegasus, causing it to backfire in an unexpected but hilarious way.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8488/Twenty-Percent-Smarter

Only 1 chapter to be reviewed.

Comments: All I got back from submitting it to Equestria Daily is: "This needs a lot of editing it sounds like, for pretty much everything!"

So I'm not sure what they want done, they just directed me here.
>> No. 80783
This may sound like a stupid question, but here goes: If you submit something to EqD, do they really expiclity tell you in reponse "Take it ponychan.net and ask for XXX"?
>> No. 80788
>>80783
More or less yeah, cause for some reason this place got a bunch of people to review each others work (what sorcery they used beats me). TTG or just the bunch of free review threads, this place has taken shape as a place fix stuff up.

Also, if no ones minds, I call the writer name xXx for sfw stories and XXX for nsfw stories, so I can be called triple x everywhere.
>> No. 80794
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80794
>>80788
> More or less yeah, cause for some reason this place got a bunch of people to review each others work (what sorcery samurai they used beats me). TTG or just the bunch of free review threads, this place has taken shape as a place fix stuff up.
Fixed.

Ah well, he might downplay his importance correct me if I don't correct myself, so I'll just chalk it up to a general desire to help writers grow and improve. Ponychan, it's magic (or at least it was when /fic/ as we now know it began to coalesce).
>> No. 80796
>>80761
[Pony-net]
>> No. 80797
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80797
>>79332
Claiming because I've read the first chapter already, Chinese New Year's over and I have stupid writer's block need to do something constructive feel like it. Indeedy do.
>> No. 80806
Tags: [Adventure, Grimdark, Shipping]

Description: The peace between ponies and the dragons comes to a crushing end when they declare war. Several years of diplomacy have failed and the basis of the war is clouded. Celestia asks Twilight for a monumental sacrifice to save both sides from greater destruction. When Twilight's mission uncovers a grand manipulation, she will stain her soul to free another's, all the while fighting off being consumed by a darkness she battles. Will she bend to the madness or overcome the darkness of all?

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1192/The-Quiet-Place
EqD Critique: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1G-hH0H7tifAuAY-OcAYxCuF7uPrNoxJcMRJ7YV2uiEc/edit?hl=en_US

-------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I'm also looking for an editor or two that may be interested in working with me on this. I can provide any information regarding the story, intent, characters, Google Docs links, etc, to assist in any way I can.
>> No. 80809
>>80761
The writing is clear, and you can get your points across just fine, without confusing the reader. But they aren’t put forth in an interesting manner. Sometimes it was due to a string of sentences that have the same structure (She ... He ... It ...).
The computer dialogue and transcript bits are pretty unique.

Paragraphing issues:
Some paragraphs need to be broken up so as to avoid confusing the reader.
Example:
{He smiled in relief; apparently a phone call was important to him. She took note of this fact. “I’ll take that as a yes?”

-No.”}
>> “I’ll take that as a yes?” should be in a new paragraph.
>> Why? Because if you put it right after the sentence ‘She took note of this fact,’ it would seem as if that dialogue was said by ‘her’

Description is lacking:
You need to add in that description of the computer. Because I have hardly any idea on what it looks like. Tell me about that fine layer of dust, or the metal parts losing their sheen, rusting away. Tell me about the stale, stuffy air inside the facility. Etc. I had no idea that the computer was built in a cave till later in the story.
You shouldn’t just describe your one of your main characters as “dark brown, red mane”. Use a more impactful description. Perhaps add in a simile somewhere. Even a simple adjective would help. (Fiery red mane instead of red mane for example)
Sometimes, you omit the entire chunk of description altogether. Example: {fired gushes of foam right at his face. “I hate you,” he sputtered as he shook himself free of the foamy agent.}
You seem to overuse the expression “He stomped his hoof on the floor”

Plot:
This pony finds a supercomputer. I’m guessing that he’s partly curious and partly afraid of it, therefore, he decides to call for help. BUT he decides to use the computer’s communications. And he decides to enter the facility. Then he realises he needs to do a whole of stuff before he can get to the communications place.
I don’t really see the logic in this. I think this is a plot hole here. If you’re uncertain of something, why would you be so eager to enter it in the first place? After you realise how huge the place is and how far you have to go to get your phone call, wouldn’t you consider giving up and heading home? At the very least, show some hesitation over here. And give a solid reason why he is so focussed on getting that call. Maybe he’s carriage is broken and he is stuck in the middle of some dessert or something?
There is also a lack of hesitation in this part:
{- We attempted to aid you.
-Now it is your turn.

“Oh?” he looked around nervously. “Alrighty then.”}
You need to show uncertainty or fear BEFORE he gives his consent, given that he immediately suspects that something is amiss. There’s a lack of fear and suspicion.

I did not find the ending to be satisfying. Breaking the fourth wall was such an abrupt, random conclusion. I’m missing this whole bit of explanation on how the fourth wall is relevant to this story.

Characterization:
So far, it’s shallow. The pony does not have a memorable character. He is basically just your ordinary traveller pony, except that he seems to be a little mentally challenged. Perhaps you might want to build on this and give him unique traits.
I don’t see why the earth pony should be crying when he finds out how many ponies died in the facility. He doesn’t even know those ponies, nor does he have any idea what is actually going on. I do not really care about these ponies that died.

I think it would have been better if the POV character was actually the pony instead of the computer. You can talk about how he got lost in some sort of unknown area and find this supercomputer or something like that.
When you set the computer as your POV character, you can’t SHOW much about the feelings and emotions. All you could do was TELL me how the computer feels, using stuff like ‘pride meter’. However, this point is really subjective. Some readers will prefer it just the way it is.
>> No. 80822
>>80401
Ask and you shall receive. I'll be taking CloudCover's "Falling Down." Relatively short, should be right up my alley!
>> No. 80823
(chapter one only)


General thoughts:

So, I found the time to ease back into reviewing, and I was worried I'd get a really bad fic.

Thank you. This is much better than I feared. I really like two of your five characters, and I think this chapter can really shine with some work. Right now, it seems like the narrator keeps shying away from telling the story, but if you make it more direct and flesh out the perspective character this has the potential to be a very strong opening for a very creepy tale indeed.

When you begin from confusion, you have to show a character trying to figure out what's happening. This gives the reader somepony to relate to, and a way to unfold the story naturally. Thus, right now Notharam is the biggest weakness, and the biggest potential for success.

Mistrunner is totally my favorite.

Now, if I understand correctly, you've finished your story. I'd consider this a draft, and the next thing to do with the draft of a novel is work up an outline and make sure you have all the events you need and none you don't. That's not my particular strength, but I'm sure you could find a reader on /fic/ with experience in longer stories.

There's an unwritten rule that many TTG readers don't do fics longer than a limit (typically 10,000 words). That might explain why they made you wait so long.

You could also try to revise the first chapter (I hope my notes are helpful). If it's stronger, you'll have a better chance of getting an editor to help you out.

-----

>Author's note
I think it's okay to just say that you're not in continuty with HWE. This sort of thing happens all the time; there's not really any reason to apologize for it.

As a rule, I don't edit grammar unless I'm satisfied with the story. The most important things for me are characterization and flow, so that's where I like to focus my energy.

But, I'm also a language student (native English, studying Japanese), so I'm going to give you the feedback I'd like to receive myself: I'm going to flag things ( with >: ) that sound awkward. If I notice consistent mistakes, I'll mention them, but I'm not going to explain grammar unless you ask. That gives you a chance to fix things if you already know the rule.

If you don't, ask, and I'll explain. I love talking about language.

>: grasp, made it vanish
>: night. A pair of
>: soon." the unicorn
>: tranquilizing

>but a single tear
>flinched in shock
It seems Notharam is experiencing conflicting feelings, but I don't 100% understand what they are. This might be okay, though, since he's just waking up.

>tranquilizing venom
I'd just say "tranquilizer"

>: side to side, and saw

>how his body slowly started listening to him again
I can't feel this as well as I should. This entire paragraph has this problem. I'd try writing it with simpler sentence structure, something like:

>>Slowly, Notharam found he could move his head. He turned it to the opposite side and saw a yellow filly lying on the ground, her sides rising and falling gently as she slept. A gray mare watched over her. She wore a scarf around her neck, and her cutie mark was three white lines like the claw-mark of an animal. He guessed she had been the one to wake him.

>>He turned his heavy head by to the green unicorn. "Who are you?

Organizing the description in the order that the character notices things and separating his opinion into its own sentence makes it clearer. Also, by moving the last action into the next paragraph, I can avoid the "Notharam asked" dialog tag.

>Emerald Scroll (character first impression)

This character, and Notharam's interaction with him, feels wrong. Chararcterization is 9/10 making sure the reader knows what your characters want. In N's case, he's scared and confused and really wants some anwsers and some ponies he can trust.

I don't hear him struggling for that. The only excuse you have is that he's drugged, but especially then you should show the chracter wanting something.

For example, Fallout: Equestria has a scene where the main character is under a very large dose of painkillers -- the single biggest emotional message is how much she wants to make out with the attractive nurse pony. All the important story stuff happens in the background.

So, if I were writing, I'd have N try to remember where he last was and try to put together what happened.

This brings me to Emerald. He's extremely calm, and comes across as creepy because of it. My guess is you want him to be cultured and polite. A little bit of defensiveness might help.

>>"Please, just, try to stay calm. My name is Emerald Scroll, and I don't know where we are either. I'm a scrollkeeper at the Royal Library in Canterlot, and then... something happened - I can't remember - and I woke up here, just like you. Her name is Mistrunner, and the filly hasn't woken up yet. May I ask your name?"


>He could feel how the last trace of the venom vanished from his veins.
How can he feel that? I can't imagine what that feels like. I'd just say "He decided to try standing," and then show what happens when he does.

>: Carefuly did he try
>: did the two ponies make

Native English speakers don't use that form so much. It's limited to poetry and special emphasis (mostly with "if" statements).

>: that shoot

>Only seconds later
I'd try deleting the entire sentence

>: No sooner than
Whole sentence is weird.
As soon as Notharam was standing steadily on his own legs again, he took a closer look at Emerald.

>: unicorns
>: back; one

>: distance; Notharam

>: something of him

> seemingly trying to shake something of him
STOP DOING THIS. I mean, please, don't draw attention to questions you're not going to answer, it just makes me, the reader, hate your narrator.

>unusably
>>useless


>The room was circular
It would be better to describe the setting earlier. The natural time to do this would be when Notharam is trying to figure out where he is.

>Both had the horn of a unicorn and wings of a pegasi, evidence that the statues was that of alicorns.
>>Both were alicorns.

If you think that's not explicit enough, you can say,
>>Both had horns like unicorns and wings like pegasi; they were alicorns.
No need for "evidence" or "that ... was that"

I am very confused, now. Why wouldn't N notice the giant alicorn statues in the room? Basically, I'm trying to re-imagine the entire scene to make it fit, and you've forgotten about Mistrunner, and AUGH! So frustrating.

Please re-think this scene and what N will notice and be curious about at each point in time.

>Celestia? Who would make a statue of her? And who is the other? What is the statue of not only one, but two alicorns, doing down here?

I love this line. It's a good way to let the reader know this isn't exactly the Equestria we're familiar with. Perhaps Luna has been forgotten. It raises all kinds of interesting questions without frustrating me. On the contrary: it makes me want to read more.

---

Picking back up on characterization.

Emerald -- why is he so calm? Why is he not more freaked out by being drugged and waking up somewhere? I'm not buying it. He's either a robot or a serial killer. He drugged Notharam and now I'm just waiting for the story to go all-out Cupcakes.
>> No. 80824
Mistrunner -- please tell me more about her? Pwease?
If you're not going to, maybe she doesn't belong in this scene.

Oh, okay, there she is. But, she was all the way across the giant room with the giant statues? That's too important to not tell the reader about earlier.

>There was something about this small filly that triggered a memory in Notharam’s mind, but it disappeared as fast as it had appeared.
NO.

I'm going to stop complaining every time you do this. That doesn't mean it's any less obnoxious.

Mistrunner and Zinky -- Yes, characters! I was worried they'd all be as dull as your stallions have been so far. These two burst with life, and it's because I can relate to them. Zinky's just a little kid, lost a long way from home with three strange ponies, and my heart just goes out to her. I'm sure that Mistrunner is scared, but since she has somepony to take care of, she can keep herself together for at least a little while.

To bring Notharam and Emerald to life in the same way:

Notharam -- he's a military pony, yes? Make him courageous, but remember that courage is not the absence of fear but rather the ability to keep functioning through it. He should always be trying to figure out what's happening and what he needs to do.

Emerald -- he's scared into his adorkable bookish shell. But, you need to show me his fear. Maybe he's scared of Notharam -- in fact, I'd make that the central part of his interaction with Notharam. His lines should sound like the next thing he's going to say is "please don't hit me."

At the same time, his fear can't completely blunt his insatiable curiosity and nerdy obsession with facts.

Final thoughts this chapter:
The Voice (NMM?) isn't quite scaring me as much as it should. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it will get better on its own when you revise; I think my difficulty in relating to the perspective character is keeping me out of the story.
>> No. 80825
>>80824
Thank you, for giving it a chance. My mind is not focused at this moment in time, but I will try to comment on as much as possible.

Firstly, I hope you liked the story so far, I would love if you found time sometimes and read the rest, your review will help me a lot when I edit it!

The thing is that I would love to make this fic a first person fic right now, I would love to change the entire thing. BUT since I have this as school project and only have around 20 hours left (and that include editing, fixing the grammar and write a report on it...) will that have to wait until the "project show of".

I have noticed that one of my weakness is that I do not have any "fixed" characters when I start, I write the characters and let them come to live during the writing. I will try to fix so you can find yourself some more in Emerald and Notharam (thanks for the heads up on that, want it to make it more natural)

The Authors note will I look over, its just that I have noticed that some (not on fim but the ones I have linked it to before) comment on facts that have arrived after I finished it and that I do not have any plans to implent.

And, since I am horrible at grammar, and at the time of writing Chimes was even worse, do I have a friend to help me with that. The only thing is that I do not want to bury him in work before I have edited the story. I have taken your notes to me and will look that over.

The sinlge tear thing is more of a rest from what happened before he see the eye, more of that will be explained.

And I'm sorry that you had that first impression on Emerald, have to think that over. (I must say that I myself never think like that, I can not see wrongs in my own texts and I hate it. I knew it was something, just not what.)

Since I'm english aint my native language do I have problem to read lines without the "did". I will look those parts over, it is after all not I who shall read it.

And that question is going to be answered in chapter 2, at least partly.

I'm one of those "I will show you but darn I will do it long!" persons, going to see what I can edit. And it will not go cupcakes, do not fear about that. Mindless gore aint my thing.

And the triggering thing is also going to be explained, I guess I'm blind to others, I myself love those small things, it makes me analyze the things that sentence was around and the relation between the objects. One of my readers complained that a fact later came to quickly, thats why I added that line, gonna try to weave more into it.

Mistrunner... I love that character, have to elaborate some things with her thought.

I will try to work more on Emerald and Notharam, thanks for the tips!

And the voice (NMM?) is most likely the character I liked to write the most, I'm sure you will understand later.
>> No. 80826
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80826
I want to apologise for the trouble I may have caused. It was stupid of me to skip the proofreading and neglectic/misinterpret as someone told me it wasn't done. Sorry again
>> No. 80829
Is there a reason a thread update wasn't posted with this thread?

It would make sense to begin each thread with a post update rather than just dropping the OP, seeing how most, if not all, will not revisit the previous thread due to the fact it has been abandoned for greener pastures. That way, everyone who sees this place would just have to look down and notice where the last thread state ended, allowing for easier allocation of time and preventing people from remaining ignorant to the existence of their review or not (a problem so recurring it borders on the ridiculous).

Considering going back to the previous thread is such a hassle for everyone involved, making the first response on the thread be the status post is only logical.
>> No. 80830
Welp, that didn't take long. Comments are in-doc. In the meantime, have a review!

I usually enjoy these audio log/diary based stories, and I rather liked this one. There were some stumbling in the grammar, some misspellings, but nothing that could detract from what was being told.

Unfortunately I was left wanting more. You have a beginning, some bits of conflict, but you don't dwell on any part for very long. I guess that goes with the territory of a traveler's log story, but things just went by too quickly. Just as we're introduced to new characters or new adversities we get carted to a new locale, barely having registered what just happened.

The story ended too neatly too with the obvious deus ex machina, as did the epilogue. I would've liked to hear more of what Seafoam had been doing in the Stable, like what job she took, her relationship with Stripe, all that. Despite the brevity of the story I felt myself caring about Seafoam, and I'd of liked to know more of what has become of her.

My overall advice: Add more. Put in more of a beginning, more details throughout, and especially a more fulfilling and satisfyingly detailed ending. As it stands, this story is more of a lengthy aside that could be found in Fo:E rather then it's own standalone story.

A note about your story's tags: It was rather light on both of them, not very sad and not especially dark. Also, since this takes place in a crossover's universe, there has to be a [Crossover].

A good effort all around. Keep it up!
>> No. 80833
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80833
>>80829
While personally I find this a good Idea. hmm, I don't know how others think about it. But I'll see what I can do.
>> No. 80834
File 132794928792.png - (124.06KB , 470x440 , pinkiewink.png )
80834
>>80829
>>80833
>mfw

I was seriously going to do a thread update to kick-start the new edition... looks like I was beaten to the punch a bit.

Thank you, Split.
>> No. 80837
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80837
REVIEWS THAT ARE AWAITING A RESPONSE FROM THE AUTHOR

CartoonGeld | >>74716 | 12/29/2011 | | 12/16/2011 | Faux | Hue Heart | >>72019
Inky Notebook | >>75280 | 12/31/2011 | | 12/26/2011 | The Rise of Harmony | SpaceKing | >>74021
Roan | >>75348 | 1/1/2012 | | 12/26/2011 | The Magnetic Republic | Nemislayer, CrimsontheWolf, CCZeroFire | >>74109
Warden | >>78132 | 1/15/2012 | | 1/10/2012 | The outing at Canterlot | Leochingu | >>77255
Dromer | >>78190 | 1/14/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | Shadows of Scipio | einsUNDcolt | >>77388
Simon o'Sullivan | >>77907 | 1/14/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | Neighboorhood Watch Anonymous | Holo | >>77412
Simon o'Sullivan | >>78509 | 1/17/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | S.O.S. Foal Detectives | Specter Von Baren | >>77442
Pascoite | >>78276 | 1/16/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | This ugly yet beautiful world | Finesthour | >>77446
Filler* | indoc | 1/15/2012 | | 1/15/2012 | Red Sky's Destiny | Roastbeezy | >>78145
Filler* | indoc | 1/15/2012 | | 1/15/2012 | Red Sky's Destiny | Roastbeezy | >>78145
Pascoite | >>80361 | 1/27/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Hell Butterflies | Creegos | >>80232
Pascoite | >>80660 | 1/29/2012 | | 1/27/2012 | Core of the Apple | outlaw4rc | >>80389
Compendium of Steve | >>80830 | 1/30/2012 | | 1/27/2012 | Falling Down | CloudCover | >>80401
cheezesauce | >>80809 | 1/30/2012 | | 1/29/2012 | [Pony-Net] | RavensDagger | >>80761

PENDING REVIEWS

Sparky | | | | 12/29/2011 | In Fragments | James Corck | >>74834
Kurbz | | | | 12/30/2011 | Flying High, Falling Hard | soundslikeponies | >>74994
Grif | | | | 1/7/2012 | Whiplash | Molotov Cocktail | >>76726
Anendlessepidemic | | | | 1/10/2012 | Legend of the Five Ponies | Simon o'Sullivan | >>77208
AidanMaxwell | | | | 1/11/2012 | Good Night! {WIP} | Takeshi Ashirogi | >>77365
Eustatian | >>80824 | 1/30/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | Chimes In the Dark | Faindragon | >>77371
Uma | | | | 1/15/2012 | The Rise of Harmony | SpaceKing | >>78010
Filler | | | | 1/15/2012 | Fallout Equestria: Duel | Pacce of the Many Mustaches | >>78200
Casca | | | | 1/21/2012 | Lunar Beginnings Ch. 2 | Faintpony | >>79332

UNCLAIMED/NEW FICS

| | | | 1/13/2012 | The Exchange | Solitair | >>77730
| | | | 1/14/2012 | Black Equinox | JDude | >>80258
| | | | 1/14/2012 | Rainbow Dash's Big Adventure | the dobermans | >>77897
| | | | 1/15/2012 | Ace Combat: Shattered Rainbows | Brotato | >>78189
| | | | 1/16/2012 | Jericho | Crushric | >>78221
| | | | 1/17/2012 | Draconequus | cheezesauce | >>78626
| | | | 1/18/2012 | PonyPuff | Leo Archon | >>78596
| | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
| | | | 1/18/2012 | The Last Elements | RavensDagger | >>78715
| | | | 1/19/2012 | Void | Damocl | >>78822
| | | | 1/19/2012 | Upon Wings of Sacrifice | Rated PonyStar | >>79019
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Skating Lessons | Sonic Rainblast | >>79249
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
| | | | 1/21/2012 | In The Beginning | Mason al'Cat | >>79176
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>79352
| | | | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
| | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Tick-Tock Goes The Clock (A My Little Pony / Doctor Who crossover) | Dext | >>80253
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Reclaiming Ponyland | Margos | >>79897
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Capes | Triscy | >>79713
| | | | 1/26/2012 | The Sweetest Gem | The Rarispy | >>80314
| | | | 1/27/2012 | The Horn That Creates the Heavens | MegaTank | >>80357
| | | | 1/27/2012 | A God Among Mares | Fearless Pie | >>80414
| | | | 1/28/2012 | "Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is." | SpilledInk | >>80488
| | | | 1/28/2012 | Hearths Warming Eve | Rainbowderp98 | >>80594
| | | | 1/29/2012 | Kindle the Bonfire | sirhim11 | >>80761
| | | | 1/29/2012 | Twenty Percent Smarter | Richtus | >>80779
| | | | 1/30/2012 | The Quiet Place | Aynine | >>80806
>> No. 80842
Tags [Grimdark, Adventure Crossover]

Synopsis: Its Bioshock but with ponies. Gene Tonic finds himself the only survivor of his crashed airship. Thankfully he lands near what appears to be an abandoned lighthouse. However things quickly go sour and Gene finds himself in Eufillyia, a once great Utopia that defies all pony science. However the place has been overrun with horrible creatures and ponies all vying for the resource known as L.U.N.A. All Gene wants to do is leave, but he finds Eufillyia has other plans.

links:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8822/1/Ponyshock/Welcome-to-Eufillyia

Comments: This is the first fanfic I've published and I really thought I wouldn't be doing this. However the little comments I've had have been overwhelmingly posistive so I figured I might as well put it up for review.
>> No. 80861
>>80842
I'm either going to be very happy or very disappointed. Expect a review soon.
>> No. 80863
>>80861
heres to hoping for the former then
>> No. 80868
>>80660

Most of the grammatical errors have been corrected. Non-verbal cues and broader corrections will be done once your review is complete.

Appreciate your help! Will continue to amend in real-time when possible.
>> No. 80876
File 132796869387.jpg - (280.46KB , 700x700 , com__pilgrim12345_by_kapieren-d3inieq.jpg )
80876
I have no idea what image to put for this review, so have Shadowbolts, because they are the best ponies.

>>80842

Google Docs: Use it, please. Normally I can annotate where every error is in GDocs, but I'm not going to pretend to make a comprehensive list of errors because I know I'll miss some and I'd rather you learn to proof yourself instead of me doing it for you.

Short: Copypasta, pure and simple.

Long:
Grammar:
>“Nopony shots at me
Nopony shoots
>fair
fare
There are a few other instances of the wrong word being used, however they should show themselves as you do some more proofing.

You need to use an apostraphe when you have a possessive noun. There are quite a few instances (notably in the Hybrid/Big Daddy fight) of you not putting an 's to a possesive noun. Second, its is the possesive form of it. It's means it is. I'm going to be stern here. 90% of readers will give up on your story after the first possessive error. Fix them.

Second, it looks like you got a comma-gun and nobody told you how to use it.
http://www.uvu.edu/owl/infor/pdf/grammar_usage/punctuating_phrases.pdf
http://class.georgiasouthern.edu/writingc/handouts/punctuatingdependent.htm
http://www.towson.edu/ows/sentences.htm
There's three websites. Second, you have quite a fe comma splices. I'm going to steal Logician's explanation because he explains it pretty well.
"Comma Splices
A comma splice happens when, instead of putting a period, you put a comma because “it feels right". It seems to occur most often when a second independent clause explains or elaborates on the one preceding it, like in the following example:
>This is an independent clause, this is also an independent clause.
It's an easy habit to fall into, but it's also an easy habit to fix if you're conscious of it. Simply utilize a conjunction of some sort, or a semicolon:
>This is an independent clause, and this is no longer an independent clause because it now begins with a subordinating conjunction.
>This is an independent clause; this is also an independent clause." -Logician

You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. Here's a brief bit of copypasta, however the writer (I think it was Vanner) did not leave his name, so I can't cite it properly.
"You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. Remember, if a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark." -Probably Vanner
Here's a few examples:
He said, "This is dialogue."
"Dialogue is silly," he said.
"Punctuate dialogue correctly." He smiled.

You have some repetetive sentences. Don't start with the same word six or seven sentences in a row, as it makes reading tiring. That being said, don't substitute proper nouns with descriptions (e.g. Twilight Sparkle/the lavender unicorn) as that is a nuisance to read and makes you look silly.

Plot:
This is literally a copy-paste of Bioshock with ponies. That is not a crossover. Crossovers are more than just putting two things into the same universe or replacing the names of the main characters with pony names. Great crossovers do just the opposite: they copy the spirit and themes of the two universes and make them into one cogent world. Recall how, in Fallout Equestria's first few chapters, Littlepip experiences a whole new world, ripe for exploring? That lines up precisely with the themes of the Fallout series. Or, about how Our First Steps (which technically isn't a crossover) caught the same sort of bright-eyed determination of early NASA as they fought for funding? How about the numerous setbacks they encountered, and how they needed to react to the situation accordingly, much like many of NASA's missions. That's what makes the best crossovers. Capturing the same essence as the source material is the most important part of creating a crossover.
It's also why yours falls flat. I've played Bioshock once, and seen one Let's Play of it, and I can see that the dialogue is almost directly lifted off of the game. Not only that, but things happen in the same manner in the game, in almost the same order. Copy-paste does not a good crossover make.

My perscription: Re-do the entire thing, this time making the story different, keeping the ideas and mythology of the ponyverse but the spirit and setting of Bioshock. Personally, I'd start with the magic channelers and work from there. How can magic channelers create a dystopic and distorted Objectivist society?

Any and all questions can be posted here on the thread or discussed in the IRC.

(Find the spirit of the works) and keep writing.
>> No. 80878
>>80830
Thanks for the review, I really appreciate the effort, and the positive(!) feedback.

A query, if it's ok?

I agree with the point about the tags, but I wouldn't be sure what to put in their place other than [crossover]. FO:E usually gets a [Grimdark], but the lack actual violence seems to preclude this. Any ideas?

I'll be sure to add to it, and change the ending.
>> No. 80879
>>80876
Thanks for the feedback. I truely do understand where your coming from here. I copypasta the opening straight from the game. It will get more crossovery (not a word I know) in the second chapter, I assure you but unfortunately for now this is where it stays. Thats also the reason I didn't send it to eqd or any other pony sight. A rewrite could be considered but I unfortunately already have an audience for this. The second chapter will get more into channellers, harnesses, and true oc. The real problem I have here is keeping with the source material, while keeping away from it. It is much more difficult than doing just another fallout fanfic, as fallout doesn't need to start anywhere. Bioshock on the other hand is much more deliberate in where it starts.

As for commas and punctuation I know that I suck with it. It may not be terrible, but it is bad none the less. I'll try to fix any errors I can find but I'm not the best judge.

Heres to doing better in the second chapter.
>> No. 80882
>>80879
Sorry for butting in here... but...
You... do know, why the setting is deliberate, right? Fallout: Equestria stories have deliberate starting points, same as a Bioshock crossover would...
The setting is always important. You can't just say "this story could have started anywhere, anytime." It doesn't work that way.

And, going back to the deliberation: Do you know what the point of Bioshock was? Reading your fic, I don't see the actual themes, modified or not, shining through much...
>> No. 80883
>>80879
Here's what I think. You can disregard my post and my ideas, and entertain an audience of ten, maybe a hundred. I can guarantee that your story as is will be rejected from Equestria Daily, and likely will not catch on FimFic.

Alternatively, you can heed my advice, hold off and perform a rewrite, be patient, learn, and get an audience of millions. I won't shove my review down your throat, or yell at you for not taking my advice. I presented what I thought would make this story worthy of the title of Bioshock. I presented what I believe can get you on EqD. I'll admit, it's be a hard, thankless road of editing and rewriting that few writers endure. I've had to walk it, but I believe that you can do it. I wouldn't have chosen to review your work if I thought otherwise.

It's ultimately down to you. Do you want something that you can say was a nice little distraction, a little story you did to impress a few people who took a shine to your writing, or do you want a story that you can be proud of years from now? The choice is up to you, whether you want to take my advice or leave it.

Regardless of what you choose, the reviewers in The Training Grounds and /fic/ will always be here to help.
>> No. 80884
Title: Sail By Night
Author: Papyra Scrive
E-mail: papyrascribe@gmail.com
Tags: [Normal] [Adventure]
Synopsis: Pipsqueak finally leaves Ponyville to pursue his destiny, a one of high seas plundering and serving Princes Luna. Princess Luna is free of the moon, but holds no true political power in Equestria. Pipsqueak plans to help the only way he can, by plundering Celestia's trade routes. But how is he going to achieve success as a pirate with only Pinkie Pie and a very irritable unicorn navigator as his crew?

This is the link to the google docs folder: https://docs.google.com/?tab=wo&authuser=0&pli=1#folders/0B25EHF0PTDStMDU3ZTBmMzEtZjU2ZC00MzM4LTkzNmItMDBhNDBlZTFkOWRk

Separate Chapters:
1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wC3saseMrrMB48kkYLkyUPSbi_DsciowZsWgbfWWkr8/edit?hl=en_US
2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MexB2wMzf9ltVgPwFBtrolaX8ayPKq0c4x02ZUaW1fk/edit?hl=en_US

I would like both chapters reviewed, please?

This is the Equestria Daily prereader response. I believe i can find the grammatical things, but i would love for help on the other problems.

[List of Issues]

1) Punctuation/spelling issues. You do this quite a bit.

Correct: "Hi!" she said. Incorrect: "Hi!" She said.

2) I can't see Pinkie Pie leaving Sugarcube corner to become a pirate with Pip. If anypony would, it WOULD be her. She'd just not leave her friends, however.

3) OOC on Pinkie Pie. Sure, she loaded the cannon with cupcakes, but there's also shot in there, too. Pinkie would NOT fire a cannon at anypony and risk hurting them 'Pirate' or no. She'd have panicked the first time a hole got punched into an opposing vessel.

4) Comma abuse. "hyperactive, pink, puffball"

5) Word choice.

A skull and crossbones had dawned it ever since that Nightmare Night when he had met Princess Luna herself.

6) When noting a character's thoughts, use italics... not bold or single quote marks. Single quote and italics tend to work best.

7) Word choice. On=One cannon fodder = cannon balls

On oddity was the cupcakes that flew in place of cannon fodder.


[Suggested Fixes]

This has the making of a cute story, but you'll need to take it over to Ponychan for review and to assist in fixing the issues noted above.
>> No. 80886
>>80488
DIIIIIIIIIIIBS~
>> No. 80890
I'll have a go at Rainbowderp's "Hearths Warming Eve." Shouldn't take much time, although it would help to have comments enabled.
>> No. 80895
So, been typing up a fic, figured I'd give it a shot.

Tags: [Normal][Drama][Sad]

Synopsis: David was a bit of an odd pony. His name, his mannerisms, his personality, all of it was a bit odd. But the main thing that was odd about him was how average he was at everything else. His blank flank was a testament to his average potential, a scar throughout his life. But as time went on, and as he experienced love, loss, and everything in between, his final breath was one in a long line that shook the world.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TL97eu_T3w6xV_4Ur4X6zxoEKNTPPysmqDM8UZmXUDI/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1

Comments: This is far from done, I still plan to go through the rest of his life from high school to adult career and whatnot, but absolutely any criticism will be greatly appreciated. This started off as a bet from my friend ($10 on the line) and I figured I might as well do a good job of it, so I'm putting a lot of effort into it.
>> No. 80903
>>80389
>>80412
>>80563
>>80660
Comments in doc.

Glad to see Apple Bloom get some attention.

There are still some areas that need richer development so they don't feel thin and rushed, and so they do a better job of showing. But then you already knew that.

The emotional climax of this chapter is set up well, but then it passes much too quickly. Draw it out with longer sentences and very detailed descriptions. You need to make my chest hurt here. I feel this is where AJ truly breaks, and I need to feel her world shattering.

Characters continue to be strongly drawn, except we don't get a whole lot from Apple Bloom yet. I know you're addressing that.

Still good so far!
>> No. 80907
As it is, you deserve full marks.

You wrote a novel -- impressive.
In a foreign language -- wow.
For school -- I- I really don't know what to say.

Your English is good enough that I have no problem understanding you. The only way you could be any better is if I couldn't tell you're not a native.

First person is a good idea. If you want to continue working on this story, go for it. It will only be a minor change anyway, mostly adding "I"s, since your narrator sticks to Notharam's thoughts.

I'll continue reading as time allows. You've got me hooked.
>> No. 80911
>>80907
I'm happy to hear that you like it enough to keep on reading. And I must say that I have grown found of the English language, even if I'm horrible at the grammar do I use it every day and have problems to keep my speeching to Swedish.

If you find it easier to read in gdoc do you have a link here, some people do and I did not think about that I had it; I can however not guarantee that it is updated as much as the one on fimfiction, even thou I'm pretty sure that it is. (Expect the epilogue, I think that might be some difference between the fimfic and gdoc, but I have not the time atm to fix that.)

http://derpy.me/I8ahg

Once again thank you for the review, will check it as soon as I have talked with my teacher this thursday.
>> No. 80924
File 132800349350.png - (90.57KB , 125x125 , 132769524302s.png )
80924
>>79332

Alrighty. Let's do this. Ready to have your flaws generalized and presented in a considerably blunt way?

First off, tautologies. What are they? They're statements that, while worded differently, mean the exact same thing. Here's an example of me doing it:

>...his hair was matted and oily, his eyes were harrowed, but the immediate thing that struck me was the odor, so powerful that I felt an itch crawl up my nostrils.
>This man had been through rough times, it seemed.

The second sentence is a tautology. It expresses the exact same thing. You have a lot - a lot of this. Not only does it result in bloated sentences, it lessens the impact of the original descriptions. Wherever "r.d" has been marked, there you have a tautology.

Dialogue punctuation and capitalization, improve it you must. Have some copypasta:

>Remember, if a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark. Refer to these examples:
>"I did this," Eye said.
>"I did that," said Eye.
>"I feel itchy." Eye got up and scratched itself.
>"I feel itchy," Eye said, getting up to scratch itself.

You violate 2, e.g. "It's okay, Sooth." said Luna. Yes?

Thirdly, repetition of the word variety, as well as sentence structure. I've pointed out where this is so. Here's a quick fix for you: every two or three sentences or so, start the next one with an adjective or a perception. That's how I do it.

Fourthly, an extension about tautologies because this is important. You seem really keen on letting us readers know exactly what is going on with your characters. Noble, but it's just too much. This is where word choice, characterization and mood setting will help you out. You don't have to state "She did this with her eyebrows, and she felt this, and she spoke in this tone" because we can infer this for ourselves. Seriously, this is one of your biggest flaws. Readers love getting their imagination provoked, and you need to harness this.

Fifthly, double-tagging. It's a term I coined especially for you, and it's where you put action tags before and after dialogue.

>Star’s eyes widened and his smile erupted into a full fledged grin, being suddenly replaced with a faked cough. “Ah, yes, that sound’s like quite the fair trade off. I will agree to it!” he replied, his voice deepening as to falsify a serious tone.
This is an example. I've bolded the parts which are tags. As you can see, there are two of them.

The thing is, you do this for at least half of your dialogue if I'm not wrong. It's just so, so much.
>> No. 80926
File 132800417225.png - (90.57KB , 125x125 , 132769524302s.png )
80926
>>79332
>>80924
This is the obligatory part where I tell you what you're doing right, so that you know why I've pointed out what I've pointed out.

Your characterization is getting to be very good. The immense angsty feel of the first chapter has, I suspect, resulted in a strong rally for the happier, more positive one here. Luna is coming off very nicely. Sooth's okay. Moonlight is finally explained, and Star's okay too.

Your word choice in some areas is lacking, but in others, you're doing very well. Every dialogue sentence that I read shows me more of the characterization. Maybe I'm quick like that, but I can grasp your ideas of "this is who X is" through the dialogue fairly well. That's why it riles me when there's so much other things in the way of it, e.g. tautologies, punctuation(!!).

Scene imagery is good. I thought, "do I remember scenes from the previous chapter?" and to my surprise I could, fairly well. Your descriptive style is both a curse and a blessing to your fic. It's strong but really unbalanced, where you apply immense detail to some things but omit others. Like, you describe tone of voice more than you describe physical sensations. Yes? You may want to pay attention to this.

Overall, you're coming across as a budding author. You've got the skills in some parts, but others need some work to make your fic brilliant. As it stands, it's 3~4/5 (because I really don't like your tautologies) with your 4.3~4.6/5 descriptive and characterization ability.

Keep up the good work!
>> No. 80983
File 132804433552.jpg - (20.34KB , 400x400 , Unamused.jpg )
80983
...Where do I even begin? Perhaps I'll start by saying that problems with grammar (among other things) can be found in the Doc. I certainly won't be discussing them here.

At first, I thought it this was going to be a decent story. Decent opening, a few problems but nothing too serious. But then you go into flashback, and that's when things went downhill fast.

First of all, you don't write too much in the way of specifics, or stay in a setting for two long. You jump from one place to another, giving little detail that captures the imagination, or even my interest. It's all very rushed, which greatly detracts from any sort of engagement the reader could possibly have.

But then we get into the shipping part of the story. This, is where your story dies. This is where all potential gets sucked up, leaving behind a dry, miserable husk. The romance you have presented here is more contrived than a Disney princess's. Practically no build-up, the two characters practically hit it off from the start. It's worse than Moulin Rouge I say!

This wretchedness is further compounded by the lazy writing you use to describe the scenes. You made repeated Sonic Rainbooms boring to read about. That's very, very bad! And with the exception of one line that made me laugh uncontrollably over how bad it was, I wound up not caring about anything towards the end. Just more unimaginative, boring shipping stock.

I first came into this thread as a reviewer of hopes and optimism and puppydog smiles where any fic I pick up holds promise, however reading yours has reminded me of the harsh reality of being a reviewer and promptly crushed these ideals. I thank you, for letting come to this realization before I wound up reviewing an even worse piece of fiction.

I've been mostly harsh for most of this review, so I'll show some mercy with this advice: Restart from basics. Keep the opening scene, and make up a new, more believable, and certainly more interesting story. There is some hope with this premise, but otherwise what you have here is bad.
>> No. 81000
>>80895

I'm board so I guess I'm going to give this a review
>> No. 81001
[Dark] [Adventure] [Alternate Universe]

Synopsis: A young unicorn inherits the estate of his birthplace after the passing of his father and enfeeblement of his mother. Socially inept yet brilliant in his studies the stallion devotes his time to the histories of the arcane and cultures long past. A mysterious weathered package arrives one day carrying a symbol he has never seen before. From these events he begins to unravel a mystery that will question the very history of Equestria.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8590/Ties-That-Bind
>> No. 81017
>>80895

I've made comments in the doc, there's lots of them at first, but less near the end.

So...

First thing first. Are you a native English speaker? If so, when you edit your story, read it out loud. A lot of your sentences sound awkward or have strange word choices.

Read up a bit on parallelism in sentence structure and how clauses modify words so that you can place them better in your sentences.

You tend to have a paragraph of speech phasing in and out of speaking and describing reactions. Take a look at some of the stories on Equestria Daily to see how they do the dialog. The writer's omnibus would also be good to look at. Try to condense the non dialog parts together.

On to the story itself.

I hope David is not a self insert character because I really don't like him and I don't want to not like you. He doesn't come off as average so much as he does passionless and even a bit mean. It's one thing being quiet and shy, but it is another thing to bite someone's head off when they are trying to apologize. It's not a whole lot, but first impressions are important.

Sing Song, however, I enjoyed.

Tag wise I would say its more slice of life than drama or sad, but its also just the first chapter. However, if I had gone in wanting to read a sad story, you would have lost me as a reader.

The big problem is your introduction / prologue. Most people are going to stop reading at that. It's an OC story, so already you are fighting a losing battle for most readers and need to give them a really good reason to read your story.

Your intro basically tells us 'David is an average and boring character. Now we are going to spend the rest of the story learning about the character.'

Why would people want to keep reading after this?

This more than anything else needs to be reworked. If I had to take a guess, I would say that you liked your intro, but it really needs to be axed. Start us off with a reason to read your story. Perhaps start us off in an interesting part of David's life. Your story description certainly seems to imply that there will be interesting bits in his life.

The intro also exhibits another problem in your story. You tell us a lot of stuff, when it would be more interesting for us to see it ourselves. You could write the story without ever saying that David is average, yet have us convinced of that fact. I am not the best at 'show not tell' myself. But the MLP community seems to be big on wanting to see this.

Read up a bit on this, but if you have more questions, let me know. I didn't comment much on it in the doc, because its all over the place.

The other problem with telling us stuff is that I don't buy it. You tell me that David is average, but I don't see the supporting evidence at pointing to that. Look at Fluttershy. We have no reason to believe she did well in school. We know she was/is a mediocre flier and probably not good at any sports. Her shyness meant that she wouldn't have had a big role in any plays. Yet she is definitely not average. Yet, from how you try and to convince us that David is average, you would also be saying that Fluttershy is average.

To summarize:
- decent basic writing, but need to read up on the finner points.
- need to restructure some of the dialog.
- I didn't like David
- Show not tell
- You don't sell your story or David well
- Need to completly redo your intro or most people will stop there.
>> No. 81022
>>80924
Review acknowledged!

First of all, thank you so much for taking your time to review my fic! I really appreciate it :]

Now, onto things.

Tautologies. I’ve never heard that term before and wasn’t actually aware of it. Now that I am I can at least watch out for them in my own writing. I can see how that’s something I could fall into without knowing it. Why don’t they ever teach you this stuff in school? Hm.

Dialogue punctuation: I am at least aware about this. It’s a bad habit of mine, because I actually had no idea the “,” she said/exclaimed/etc rule existed until a couple weeks ago. I’m in process of fixing it within my writing, but I appreciate you pointing it out.

Sentence structure isn’t actually something I actively think about while writing, and it’s unfortunate that it doesn’t seem to bother me as I read through my own work. I appreciate you pointing it out and giving me a tip how to fix it. I’ll definitely keep that in mind the next time I write.

Next:
>You don't have to state "She did this with her eyebrows, and she felt this, and she spoke in this tone.
Hmm. Well then I need to get right on fixing this. Generally this is the way that I want to show the readers something. I don’t really know much of what’s going to be implied. So, I can remedy this with scene setting and mood and word choice and such, right? I guess those are the things I need to improve on then? Or is it simply that I’ve added too much to everything? I’ll put these tips especially into my note of “stuff to keep in mind while writing. What should I do *instead* of explain physical reactions, or go through mental processes? I know those arent the only things but often I resort to them because they’re easy ways of showing, and I certainly don’t want to just have Luna “suddenly realize” things.

Double tagging: I’ll keep that in mind. I assume this goes along with Tautologies, except I just do it around dialogue. Too much at once, perhaps. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

I appreciate the compliments! I’m glad to hear that I’m doing some things right. Some have called my style purple, and it can get excessive but personally I like the extra description. I just feel like I need work finding other outlets of describing things.

How would you describe physical sensations without just using “felt”

eg.
“Luna turned her head, feeling sick to her stomach at the sight before her.” I feel like if I did that too much it would be bad as well, if not even worse because I straight up tell you she feels sick. If I describe how she acts you can infer how she’s reacting, I guess is my thought process for it.
Thanks for the compliments and everything. Once again, I really do appreciate your help. I will definitely work on describing things more than once, redundantly. This is my first fic ever, and my first piece of fiction, so I figure I’m not as bad off as I could be. Thanks!
>> No. 81030
>>81022
>Hmm. Well then I need to get right on fixing this. Generally this is the way that I want to show the readers something. I don’t really know much of what’s going to be implied. So, I can remedy this with scene setting and mood and word choice and such, right?
More like, scene setting & co. will do the work for you. You're strong enough in these areas; let your strengths shine through.

>Or is it simply that I’ve added too much to everything?
This one.

>What should I do *instead* of explain physical reactions, or go through mental processes? I know those arent the only things but often I resort to them because they’re easy ways of showing, and I certainly don’t want to just have Luna “suddenly realize” things.
>How would you describe physical sensations without just using “felt”
It's achieving a balance between both. Personally, I go for 1/3 physical, 1/3 mental processes and 1/3 nothing (which is letting the scene setting etc. do the work). What you have is "Luna _" all the time. Variations would be, e.g., "A smile eased itself across her face", "Her eyes flared", "Her skin suddenly felt warm", "Her stomach turned over on itself as she _" -

All of these don't mention mood or thought directly, but you can imply as much from 1) the word choice 2) your personal experiences with them.

>Thanks for the compliments and everything. Once again, I really do appreciate your help. I will definitely work on describing things more than once, redundantly. This is my first fic ever, and my first piece of fiction, so I figure I’m not as bad off as I could be. Thanks!
Sure thing! You're definitely on the right track, I can tell you that.
>> No. 81039
>>81017
Thanks for the feedback. Honestly, I wanted to freshen up the story a bit, adding more to the story before submitting it here or anywhere for critique so I'd have a better chunk of the story in my head, as it would have answered some of your questions. But my friends (obviously) said it'd be good enough anyway to send off, so I figured whatever, critique is critique. To address some of your critiques;

Yes, I am a native English speaker, so it might be the way I just imagine it in my head. I read the omnibus thing from Equestria Daily, though I guess I thought the way I set it up I figured it still followed that. I never have more than one person speak in any given paragraph, so I thought it more as a continuous dialogue with descriptions in between.

I am also a bit worried that I'm making David a self insert and I am definitely trying to avoid that as best I can. In some ways he does reflect me but I try to put in aspects that make sense with the character with other things that I take from my life. I do agree that I made him a bit more passionless rather than shy and introverted, probably just going a bit too far in the direction. Maybe made him a bit too adult too early in his life. The specific reason why I chose OC characters rather than canon ones was so that I would be able to craft my own personality and history without having to mess up other characters, and also for somewhat ethical reasons. I'd rather create my own character reflecting the needs of the story rather than shapeshift an existing one to fit it. (for the record, David is not my name, just one I thought up of). And just now after reading your comments, I think I found a way out of him being less likable by expanding in the school setting, so thanks for that. Hopefully I'll be able to adjust his personality a bit more at this point. I'll be writing out various points in his life, so in essence I would be writing different versions of the same character, so I think I might need to just make him a bit more innocent before delving into some bitterness.

For the tags, I just gave what was available there, and later on it might be sad for some people, but I suppose it's better to tag what is in the chapter itself rather than what will be.

The intro is a bit iffy in retrospect, but in regards to his averageness I see it more as him blending in the background, whereas someone like Fluttershy wouldn't as her extreme shyness and her way with animals make her stand out. David has yet to discover what makes him stand out, and for reasons that will hopefully be delved into later (though again, I should concentrate on what I have now), it does take up a bigger part of him later. His average nature is sort of his specialness. Rather than focusing on what makes him unique, I need to focus on what makes him average (which is what makes him unique...huh...) which is a bit difficult to do, but should be interesting.

Again, thanks for the critique. Nobody really likes having their work put down, but it is a necessary process to make it better in the end, so I appreciate it all the same.
>> No. 81042
File 132806673772.jpg - (185.74KB , 1209x660 , 574cb1ed963dfb376b0ca4b7eb407fb3.jpg )
81042
Here is some more on that star wars fic i've been working on. I think I've finally figured out a steadt way to do it, so here it is.

The Stars and the Ponies
Edmar Fecler
noobkiller@charter.net
sci-fi, crossover, adventure

Synopsis: A Jedi from a far, far away place is left stranded on the pony's planet after an accidental jump to light speed. But the longer he stays the more he discovers about them and their planet, and vice versa. Secrets are revealed, bonds are made, and adventures are on the horizon.


Chapter 1: Part 1 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DmTh7yAFjBAyslzKym4JUjj18crNeA0BaeJqFj9EjJI/edit

Tags: Star Wars, ponies, Jedi, long


The prelude is done, but anyone who is interested in looking it up can find it here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8254/1/The-Stars-and-the-Ponies-/Prelude-
>> No. 81058
Hello.

I've been working on this story for just about three months now and I'm looking for assistance since I would like to put it onto EqDa, however they have stated that it needs significant editting before so (the rest at the bottom) and I am looking for assistance in doing so, as well as to improve on my faults and problems while also correcting any other errors in my writing style

Athlon2736.

1) I am Athlon2736 and I would like to be contacted at athlon2736@gmail.com so I can access the reveiws or information easier and on a constant basis.
2)The Three Souls
3) [Sad] [Adventure]
4) Celestia is the Sun, the eldest of the sisters.
Luna is the Moon, the youngest of the sisters.

But there's still all the other Gods. Death, War, Weather, Oceans.... and loads more...

The Sun, the Earth and the Moon.

So if the two sisters are there... Wheres the Earth.
5) http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3176/The-Three-Souls
Google Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e84LzqM62Ki7jDLThD_tK6gTGqQ99wSTqsiZ9N60zcs/edit?hl=en_US
6) I would like to have Chapter One through ten Examined, though I will most likely come here with 11-15 when they get done....
7) I have no one in particular that I would like to request.

Equestria daily comment to request to being accepted onto the page.

Dear author,

Thank you for your submission, but Equestria Daily is not able to accept it as it stands. Please find an editor on Ponychan or elsewhere that can assist you with improving the grammar, phrasing, and word choice in your work. This story needs significant editing before we could consider it for posting.

-Prereader E


I am doing this mainly for the readers on fimfiction.net as well as my personal growth.
THANK YOU TO WHO EVER READS MY STORY...

-hands you a baseball bat and a warhammer- Do as you see fit. I need the help...
>> No. 81072
>>80389
>>80412
>>80563
>>80660
>>80903
Comments in doc.

Good revision to include Apple Bloom in chapter 3. It was handled well.

Characterizations remain strong and believable.

The only gripe I have in this chapter is a reprise of a few longer back-and-forth conversations with very little happening other than the speaking. While dialogue is an effective way to convey emotion, it's not the only way. I've already been over the other ways to do this in a conversation. It's best to find a nice balance between several of these methods. If the narrator's not communicating emotion as well, he doesn't seem invested in the story, and the reader won't be either. There is a fine line to be drawn to keep the narrator from becoming too tell-y or from relating his own emotions, however.

I also trust that you're learning a lot from this process. Making this particular story better isn't the real point. The biggest thing you can get out of this is the knowledge to avoid these mistakes in the future.

On to the last chapter! Will post tomorrow or Thursday.
>> No. 81102
File 132807755918.png - (269.18KB , 1366x768 , Rainbow Dash Got Loopdy-Hooped!.png )
81102
Tags: [Sad][Slice of Life][Minor Grimdark][Friendshipping]

Synopsis: Rainbow Dash wasn't always the confident mare that she is today. As a filly, she was a rather sensitive pony. When tragedy strikes and Rainbow Dash has to deal with the difficult events that arise, will Fluttershy's support and her own strength of will be enough to cope with her new life?

Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZWZtFAT04Bj9p1a60F1ni4_CBl1hx1qLU6uWkcmuFx0/edit

Comments: This is just the first chapter, so Slice of Life is the only applicable tag. Chapter 1 serves as a canon tie-in as well as a scene-setter for Rainbow Dash's current lifestyle. Chapter 2 will likely serve a similar role, but focus more on her home life and friendships rather than her school life.
>> No. 81119
File 132808362673.gif - (15.39KB , 200x200 , 132580617333s.gif )
81119
>>79249

Note for the maintainers: the GDoc still has a bunch of Isphone's comments. I've emailed the author to tell him/her about this; I'll give him/her until next Monday to resolve as many/little of them as he/she likes, and then I'll get to looking at it.
>> No. 81137
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81137
>>81042
I think I'm going to claim this one. It's been a while since I've reviewed something, and since I've been shopping my story around forever I figured I'd do my bit.
Plus, Star Wars is kinda my field of expertise, y'know? Lightsideluc'n'all.
>> No. 81140
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81140
>>81042
This review is too long for Ponychan to handle, so it'll be split into two parts.
Right, let's begin.

Let's keep the mechanics portion short:
Punctuation: Lackluster. Numerous run-ons, missing punctuation marks at the end of dialogue, other assorted flubs.
Grammar: Haphazard capitalization and several misspelt words.
Style/Plot: The highpoint of this story. Telly, but not tear-inducingly so. A decent amount of backstory is established, but it feels shoehorned-in as opposed to being introduced organically. I can figure out what you're trying to convey, but the numerous logic leaps, OOC moments and Plot-Movers (tm) bring me completely out of the story. This story could be good, but the critical lack of polish and your inattention to details keeps it firmly rooted in "meh" territory.

4/10

I remember this thing. It was posted a while ago, wasn't it? Anyways, here's what I got from the prelude: Equestria was destroyed. Great, another grimdark Equestria-burnt-to-ashes story. I'll just toss it into this pile here...
Granted, it's not Equestira-Equestria, but it's the same difference.

I won't bother citing the mistakes in this part since it's a prelude. Preludes are the easy way out for a writer who can't convey information in the normal exposition, and I honestly can't see why Celestia herself couldn't explain all of that during the story. Granted, one of my stories has a prelude, too, but I don't like it either, so I think I'm covered on the hypocrisy side of things.

Moving on to the actual story...

First of all, let me tsk you for not enabling anon comments. It's easy to do and it really helps you and your reviewer (believe me, I get a lot of comment-fixes on my stories).
Tsk, tsk.
There, done.

Next up, the title. It's like a your creative lightbulb lit up, then immediately burnt out. "The Stars and the Ponies." That's like calling a Micheal Bay movie "Boobs and Explosions, the Sequel".
Chances are that movie would set another new earnings record, but I digress, it's not particularly eye-catching or interesting. You 'ought to rethink your title.

In the same vein, your synopsis is rather bland and uninspired. There are hundreds like it. Put some pizzaz into it, make it unique. If it wasn't for the Star Wars element I would've passed this by faster than the salad bar at a buffet. Your main issue is that it's too vague. Don't be afraid to give away some minor plot details in it if that means having a good hook.

Right, so you're clearly establishing this story as taking place during the rebellion.
>Jedi Knight Joseph McAllister
That right there completely invalidates your story. Canon (and we're disregarding AU/EU here) says that all of the Jedi were killed except for Yoda and Obi-Wan. Then there's the fact that, simply put, his name doesn't sound anything like Jedi's name. Instead, it sounds like some Scottish drunk's. Let's test this, shall we?
"Use the force, Joeseph McAllister!"
"Ach, come on Joeseph! No self-respectin' McAllister would pass out after only five keggers!"
>Picture semi-related
Now, you may disagree and say the names don't matter, but when it comes to something as iconic as the Jedi, they do. When I read his name, I don't put it along with the likes of Luke Skywalker or Yoda. If this was a parody it would be great, like Jesus' brother Bob, but if you want to write a serious story that will be taken seriously, you'd best put some serious thought into how you want to name your characters. The reader is stuck looking at it for the next several tens of thousands of words, so it's in your best interest to make it interesting and roll off the tongue. Joeseph McAllister is neither of these things.
If I didn't know better, I'd say that's your real name. Every other character in your story sounds like they could be from the Star Wars universe, but Mr. McAllister here stands out like a Bothan spy in a clown suit trying (unsuccessfully) to mingle with Imperial Grand Admirals.

> The Hope, a retired Guardian-class light cruiser, floated lazily at the edge of an asteroid field awaiting the arrival of an Imperial vessel.
So... what you're saying is that this asteroid field is waiting for an Imperial ship?

>“So Captain, are you sure this plan of yours will work? I mean, what if it’s the wrong kind of ship,”
You got the first half right, at least. What happened to the question mark at the end of that sentence? What, was there shortage of them and you had to cut back? I'm just cruising and yet this stuck out like a sore thumb. If you're going to get people to review this, you at least need to hold up your end of the bargin and pre-read.

>He was right. After almost twenty years of knowing him, Quincy could not think of a single time that McAllister had been wrong. Not that he could ever be wrong. Being a Jedi, he’s told the future plenty of times before; quite accurately.
Wrong.
If Yoda and Obi-Wan, both jedi masters, could not clearly discern the future, why is this lowly knight able to do it so well? This is ignoring the fact that, even at the height of their power, the jedi's ability to predict the future was tenuous at best. We're now at DefSue Yellow.
Oh, and this sentence's structure is awkward. Random semi-colon is random.

Cont. in next post.
>> No. 81141
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81141
Cont. from last post...

>“Captain, I’m detecting an Imperial vessel exiting hyperspace. Scans indicate that her shields are down and that her weapons are not activated.”
So, let me get this straight: A vessel belonging to the Imperials--a paranoid military government that is currently at war with a guerilla force that relies on subterfuge and sabotage--jumps into system to save a ship of unconfirmed origins without any defensive or offensive systems in place? Not likely.

And now he's missing an arm. In a universe that has the kind of technology to easily replace such debilitating wounds.

There is no such word as "Alright".

When has the Empire ever been the benevolent type? They don't just send out ships to fix random breakdowns. At the very least, they'd try to extort the captain or threaten to leave it to drift. Suspension of Disbelief reactors going critical...

Commander Griggs: Battle-hardened mercenary, widow-maker, dream-crusher, complete pansy when Gary St-... er, Joeseph McAllister walks in.

THEY'RE LETTING THEM ONTO THEIR SHIP!? This isn't the Empire, not by a long-shot. Even worse, the
"Imperials" don't even bother doing a pat-down of the people boarding their ship. Canada has tighter security than these goons.

>Hidden blaster rifles
You can't just slide a rifle into the belt loop of your space-jeans, y'know?
Imperial: Is that a blaster rifle down your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Commando: Er... Happy to see you?
Imperial: *Blushes* Aw, shucks. Get going, you sweet-talker, you. I'll see you later
Commando: O_o

>Just a flesh wound
Don't you bring Monty Python into this.

Oh, for...
They sent an entire Star Destroyer to help one random ship.
Let's fix that dialogue...
“Attention, crew of the Attentive. This is Captain Ozric Demona of the Plot Device."

Ok, so, this guy is a Jedi, protector of the galaxy, paragon of righteousness, blah-blah-blah, correct?
So explain this: "If anyone says a word, I swear I will gun you down where you stand. Alpha Squad, Shoot anyone who moves”
This isn't Han-freaking-Solo (actually, the story would probably benefit from him being the lead), this is supposed to be a level-headed guy who's trying to bring peace and order to the universe. Aggressive negotiations, indeed.

~The Navigation System is in a slave-circuit to the, Hyperdrive~
That makes no sense for any number of reasons. I mean, you'd think something as critical and complex as a Hyperdrive unit would have multiple redundancies in place to keep it from killing everyone. You introduce the Star Destroyer, yet in the end it serves absolutely no purpose since the Hyperdrive jumps by itself. Why doesn't the Star Destroyer catch onto the ruse and they're forced to jump with a faulty HD? It gives the SD a reason to be there and is far more plausible than the HD seemingly gaining sentience.

It took a moment for the Jedi to recover from the initial impact. “Just Where exactly are we?”
~Wheee, double capitalization~
Did you even send this through MSWord? Even Open Office would recognize a word that wasn't supposed to be capitalized, I think.

And so ends the main analysis of the plot. Diagnosis: You have major issues with your story's credibility. You should probably go back to the drawing board and brush up your SW lore; completely mangling the canon in your opening scene is enough to put off just about any major SW fan.

Honestly, you spat on the face of canon. Either move your setting's time to before or after the Empire (before--probably during the Clone Wars--would be best, unless you're well-read on the EU with Luke resurrecting the Jedi Order), or your entire story is untenable. Alternatively, you could change the protagonist to be a force-sensative smuggler or something and have him learn the force/magic in Equestria, thereby opening up a world of possibilities for character development. Besides being named a Jedi Knight and a passing mention of force-visions in your story, he doesn't actually show any abilities. He doesn't even act like a jedi. You can pass off his precognitive abilities as him simply having lucky hunches.

Also, you should scale back the number of characters in your story. A small ship, a group of three to five companions at most, should be your focus, then have a single antagonist (and maybe a helper) with a bunch of faceless mooks to throw at them. A story like this is going to be driven by the characters, I'd think, and to do that you need to narrow your focus a bit.

As a final note, be aware that this was a quick review, during which I pruposefully ignored the myriad of awkward sentences and less destructive plot inconsistencies. If you want your story to succesfully meld these two universes together, you're looking at a potential re-write. As is, it's coming off as a self-insert wish-fulfillment story that didn't study its source material and was written in one pass. Which, I should mention, is perfectly serviceable for fanfiction.net, but if you're here I'm assuming you're trying to do a bit better than that.

And as any Star Wars fan knows, you need One More Pass (but preferably two or three, if you actually care about crafting a solid story). Go back and edit this.
>> No. 81142
>>81141
This does have ponies in it, right?
>> No. 81147
Tags: [Dark]

Synopsis: While out in the Everfree forest, Fluttershy stumbles upon a mysterious young pegasus.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gYP_kt4s-J9_Ir7m4r2IcgJv72GMx2EA02N5rz4pzrI/edit

Comments/Requests:
Not really a lot to add. I guess my main concern is whether or not I've portrayed Fluttershy's character correctly.
>> No. 81161
>>80754
Tags:[shipping][slice of life][adventure]


Rainbow Dash finally did it! A sonic rainboom on command! Except she also managed to break every window in Applejack's farmhouse in the process. Now she has to pay for each one, and with her wages from managing the weather not nearly enough to cover the damage, she has to work on Applejack's farm for two whole weeks!
Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. Still, maybe it wouldn't be all bad. At least she would get to hang out with her friend AJ right? Wrong.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4686/At-Home-on-the-Range

I've already got a pre-reader, so more concept advice/ general opinions on what I have so far (ch 1-3) is what I'm after if y'all don't mind. I'm not even sure if I did this right, as I am new to all things ponychan. fingers crossed!
>> No. 81168
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81168
Hey guys. You haven't seen me in a while.

I'm feeling like, pretty bummed out every time I try to write something. I'm actually considering permanently shelving both my works (Spirits of Harmony and Fire and Shadow) because of two major problems that I encounter whenever I try to write them.

The first one is anxiety about existing work. I look back at stuff I've written and find that I hate it. Phrasing seems awkward, dialogue seems clunky and stiff and I find myself disheartened at continuing a story I feel to be self-evidently sub-standard, even though other people have often told me my writing's high above average.

The second one is anxiety over the core concept of the piece itself. "People are going to think the entire concept of the work is stupid and hate it", I say to myself. And the more I think about it, the less I I can convince myself that, in fact, this isn't true.

How, if I can fix this, can I fix this?
>> No. 81170
Claim
>>81147 Shy of the Night

D'awww.

First impression: it's really pretty, but needs help with the prose. Also, you want to know if bestpony is in character.
>> No. 81176
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81176
>>81142
The prelude does, but preludes don't count, so no. The first chapter ends with them in orbit above Equestria, so I'd assume that there'll be ponies in the next one.
>> No. 81178
File 132812505471.gif - (66.62KB , 200x200 , Fluttershyshy.gif )
81178
>>81168

We all go through a stage like this. What I'm doing is letting my ideas just sit and bounce around. I'm not actually writing.

Another thing you could do is lend a hand someplace else, such as reviewing and see if that stirs anything in the brain. Don't worry, it'll go away... eventually.

You could try having a rotation. Sit down and focus on one story. Move the other story to the back of your mind and come back to it after you finish a chapter or two of your current story. I've found that that works pretty well.
>> No. 81192
[adventure][sad]
Twilight spots a mysterious pony who she recognizes from a museum exhibit, which would be all well and good if the exhibit weren't a wanted poster. She immediately contacts the Princess, and is surprised when Celestia makes a secret trip to Ponyville so she can meet with this pony. Once Twilight brings him back to the library, where the Princess waits, she finds out his name is Asgard, and that he and the Princess have a long history (no shipping is done in this story), but they haven't seen each other since Luna was banished. So Asgard, bitter about what has transpired between them, tells the story of Discord's original rule over Equestria, the fall of the Alicorns, and Luna's banishment, making it clear he blames Celestia for how wrong everything went. The story ends with Asgard saying he has yet to forgive her, but that he is beginning to find peace.

Chapter 1 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KHAbcdnkgigzLJcBGa-Gi_dweZ2EXEEfs5tAz5ykDgg/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 2 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pqOcIOoRQT4E2fVF5UKR7xrQ6mweFgSAyXp7NvIWpPo/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 3 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z5J9y6Fn9zXDowMOOXm04TjR70wc5cHI8tYveltCYbw/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 4 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/15d0cFfv-fGfo_x8Elh4LCv55Yj_PFOS1Nt2qc7fkLq0/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 5 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1J7OT02TtTRAglIFlS4tUeODvZrRUIu4CF-53oZHwBJc/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 81205
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81205
>>81192

I looked at the synopsis and just have to point out several things.

1. The alicorns never fell. If they had, Princess Celestia wouldn't be ruling.

2. Your tags tell us that there isn't any shipping. (If there was, there would be a shipping tag) You don't have to assure us of this fact.

3. You ruined the ending! NOOOOOOO!!!! Whelp... there goes a perfectly good story <.<

Yup, you might want to rethink that synopsis, delete this post and resubmit.
>> No. 81206
Synopsis: After the Cutie Mark Crusaders embark on an innocent adventure, Scootaloo and Applebloom have gone missing, and a large, dark sphere has taken their place. When Twilight Sparkle, her friends, and the Alicorns are summoned to investigate, they soon realize this sphere is far more dangerous than it appears when they discover that the Elements of Harmony are ineffective against it. Twilight Sparkle must search for a way to destroy the sphere as it consumes her friends one by one as it continues to grow larger and engulf all of Ponyville.

Links:
Part1: Chapters 1-6:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/12_RTY3Pr1i8zKljxiHeQSET_5aVzg0g-4gl4g49y6lo/edit
I would like all six listed chapters reviewed.

Comments/requests:
The Equestria Daily Pre-Readers said:
Extensive comma abuse, Scootaloo is over the top in her personality, massive walls of text create a ”Show vs. Tell” problem, lack of separation between narrating paragraphs and character paragraphs, word repetitions, none of the ponies care when Dr. Whooves dies, and Rainbow Dash performs a Sonic Rainboom too easily.

I need serious help with the “Show vs. Tell” scenario. I feel the writing associated with “Showing” is very unnatural; I cannot convince myself to write in that style, though I have attempted my own variation. I tried to trim the story of its commas, but some of the sentences may be in disarray as a result. I'd appreciate any help I can get, especially for chapters 3-6. Just as a warning, this part is quite long.
>> No. 81210
Title: Stairway to Equestria

Author: Alexaroth

Email: ro.alex.alexander@gmail.com

Tags: [Adventure] [Romance] [HiE]

Synopsis: Suddenly his life ends, all too unfair. He sees the light, but entrance is denied.
He thus chooses to disobey Death and ends up in a world he never though he'll see with his own eyes.
Is this a new chance, a dream, or is his soul trapped between different worlds ?
One thing is certain: He will never stop living . . .

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5785/Stairway-to-Equestria

I wish for a review for all chapters (4 chapters + prologue = 21k words).

Side note: This will not be a journal type HIE story, as some will probably assume from the first chapter. I assure you that this is a proper adventure fic.

Thanks a lot for your attention !
>> No. 81211
Title: The Price of Grace (Chapter 2) [was "Grace" before]
Author: Sparkle
Tags: Sad, Drama, Dark
Word count: ca. 14k

Synopsis:
As the years pass by, Princess Celestia's thoughts go back to her and her sister Luna's early days: their childhood and their eventual falling apart. Is redemption still possible? A tale of growing up, loss, and first and foremost, grace.

__

Demetrius did a great review of the first chapter. I'm looking for an opinion on the second one, too. I'm looking mostly for overall impressions, not line-level or anything, more of a zoomed-out view. Characterisation is also of interest to me.
Also, why is my story so unpopular? Is it too subtle, too long, too boring? Or is it just plain bad? I hope a neutral reviewer can explain that.

Thanks so much!

Link:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/6975/2/The-Price-of-Grace/Truth-in-Our-Hearts
>> No. 81226
>>81205
I would love to delete it, but the password I used doesn't seem to be working. As an explanation, by 'fall of the alicorns' I meant 'why there are only two left'. Thank you for correcting me on the other to points though, I've never done anything like this before.
>> No. 81236
>>81211
Over 3800 readers, 4.7 stars? Unpopular? Most people who drift through here would kill for those numbers. 4.7 stars at EqD too. Don't get what the problem is. You're not getting a lot of comments for the traffic, but, hey, I've got that issue too.
>> No. 81242
>>81168
Yeah, being a writer is often lonely, deprecating, and difficult work. You'll always look back on everything you write, slapping yourself for ever thinking that that was somehow good dialog. The best anyone can really do is develop thick skin, not only against critics, but against yourself as well as often times you are your own worst critic. Best advice is really to just keep writing. If halfway you think the story you're making sucks, just try to look at it from another angle and keep writing. If it's not salvageable, just move on to the next thing and keep writing. All writers have come to a point where they just hate everything they do, and it is difficult to get out of that cycle. But you can always learn from your trials and errors.
>> No. 81247
>>81242
I think that writing can be compared with, say, exercise-heavy sports. Your brain is a muscle after all. So, any time you do it again and again over a short period of time... you just lose heart. You get mentally tired. If you press yourself, you can get into a funk where you just hate everything you have done.

It's important to realize that whatever it is you think in that 'funk-y' period isn't really a far assessment of your abilities. Wait on things, and then look back with fresher eyes.
>> No. 81277
File 132815348071.png - (30.93KB , 116x115 , 132779537770s.png )
81277
>>81168
>anxiety about existing work. I look back at stuff I've written and find that I hate it.
That's natural for any budding author. It only shows that you've grown since then.

>The second one is anxiety over the core concept of the piece itself. "People are going to think the entire concept of the work is stupid and hate it", I say to myself. And the more I think about it, the less I can convince myself that, in fact, this isn't true.
Pshaw, you're writing firstly for yourself, for the enjoyment of telling your story. Besides, the internet's hueg and I'm sure somewhere, there are readers that like the idea (and have told you so).

As of what you can do now, you could adopt a rotation system like Lunar suggested - either bounce between your main and a list of short story ideas, or reviewing - to keep yourself in writing gear.
>> No. 81292
>>81247
I've always had a fascination with writing, but to be honest I am only now really trying to dig my teeth into the practice. I promised myself that no matter what I would finish my fic (Mark of the World if you're interested), so this is a learning experience for me to really get the motivation to go through with what I want to do. I have a dozen different ideas that I hope to fully explore and expand on through different mediums in future careers, and writing out anything from a script to a flow-chart with plot points or character motivations really helps you know what needs work and how to organize your story.

It is a good idea to take a break every now and again, but I would always keep something in mind about your stories, whether it's about a character or how you're describing a chair or something.

>>81277
That is very true, writers should first and foremost write for themselves because if they're not pleased with the results then it's just pointless. With the internet nowadays, people always want to get that extra star or those extra couple of views to the point where most of us don't really have a bar for what we consider "people like it" since we just want everyone to see it (it is world wide after all). But, one also must keep their own preferences in check and try to see through their stories with clear eyes to get the best results for everyone in the end.
>> No. 81344
File 132817552614.png - (508.23KB , 1200x1067 , 96265 - artist virenth Discord discordia Eris rule_63.png )
81344
>>81168
I'd just like to say that I'm feeling almost the exact same way. I would, however, like you to take a look at this wonderful thread: >>37741 It has been around since August and has garnered some amazing responses. I don't see your name in it though ;-)

Think back to the original reasons why you wanted to write. Not why you wanted to write the stories, but the desire to write in itself.

> I never get tired of this image.
>> No. 81345
File 132817702587.png - (36.96KB , 413x449 , Stormchaser is uh.png )
81345
>>81277
>Pshaw, you're writing firstly for yourself, for the enjoyment of telling your story.

Oh god no, that's not why I write at all. I never write for myself - not directly anyway. I already know all about my ideas and the subtexts and symbolisms behind them. I gain nothing from writing them down except having them in a more collected and collated format. I already live in the brain that has these ideas. I write them for other people to enjoy, and my ideas are worthless to me (except as escapism) if they don't entertain others.
>> No. 81346
File 132817722726.jpg - (78.43KB , 800x800 , 131313622211.jpg )
81346
STATS: 39 UNCLAIMED FICS, 20 current reviews, 10 reviews in progress
Wow, things got a bit pile-y in the sheet while I was gone. Kk, going through the thread from where I last finished a thread sweep and saved a placemarker...wait, it's all the way back at >>79235...FFFFFFFUUUUUUU

Well I did it, but I don't know why. And I am impressed. You maintainers are good at keeping track of everything. I only found two missed fics, and they were near the end. But damn, I think this is the absolute biggest the queue has ever gotten. I think now would be as good a time as any to close the thread and work through the queue, but it's ultimately up to all you guys (i.e. if a concensus can be reached).

Maybe we could do like we did with Nameless Edition and close the thread / not re-make it when it autosages, powering through the unclaimed fics and contacting authors all awesome-like.

And now, a few more things I'd like to convey to maintainers:
• Every once and a while run a find-and-replace as follows: every instance of #i7 with #7 and every instance of #i8 to #8 (whatever the last numeral in the post number is) in order to make permalinks correct. Easy peasy.
• Can we, at the end of each thread, remind everyone who hasn't already to email people who haven't responded to reviews (every reviewer does so for their respective author)? It's just so that they are alerted to the work done an help given, and know the reviews exist.
• Items in the "Old Entries" sheet may be shuffled off to the Queue Archive at the start of each new thread. The purpose of the Archive is to keep a record for just-in-case permalinks to old reviews, so that it's easier to search out old posts and reviews. But also, however, it's nice to have to look back at and admire. Moreover, its purpose is to keep the Old Entries sheet a manageable size. A while back I un-locked the Archive sheet so that anyone who's a maintainer may edit and thus add entries. This time, I've takent he liberty of doing the necessary move.

Reviews currently in progress
Sparky || 12/29/2011 || In Fragments || James Corck || >>74834
Kurbz || 12/30/2011 || Flying High, Falling Hard || soundslikeponies || >>74994
Grif || 1/7/2012 || Whiplash || Molotov Cocktail || >>76726
Anendlessepidemic || 1/10/2012 || Legend of the Five Ponies || Simon o'Sullivan || >>77208
AidanMaxwell || 1/11/2012 || Good Night! {WIP} || Takeshi Ashirogi || >>77365
Uma || 1/15/2012 || The Rise of Harmony || SpaceKing || >>78010
Filler || 1/15/2012 || Fallout Equestria: Duel || Pacce of the Many Mustaches || >>78200
Casca || 1/21/2012 || Skating Lessons || Sonic Rainblast || >>79249
AidanMaxwell || 1/28/2012 || "Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is." || SpilledInk || >>80488
Eustatian || 2/1/2012 || Shy of the Night || Kirdus || >>81147

Reviews that the respective authors probably haven't seen yet:
CartoonGeld || >>74716 || 12/29/2011 || 12/16/2011 || Faux || Hue Heart || >>72019
Inky Notebook || >>75280 || 12/31/2011 || 12/26/2011 || The Rise of Harmony || SpaceKing || >>74021
Roan || >>75348 || 1/1/2012 || 12/26/2011 || The Magnetic Republic || Nemislayer, CrimsontheWolf, CCZeroFire || >>74109
Simon o' Sullivan || >>76762 || 1/7/2012 || 12/30/2011 || The Adventures of Sherclop Pones || writer || >>75018
Roan || >>75265 || 12/31/2011 || 12/31/2011 || The Minecrafters Tale of Equestria || Roland || >>75174
Filler* || indoc || 1/15/2012 || 1/15/2012 || Red Sky's Destiny || Roastbeezy || >>78145
Warden || >>78132 || 1/15/2012 || 1/10/2012 || The outing at Canterlot || Leochingu || >>77255
Eustatian || >>80824 || 1/30/2012 || 1/11/2012 || Chimes In the Dark || Faindragon || >>77371
Dromer || >>78190 || 1/14/2012 || 1/11/2012 || Shadows of Scipio || einsUNDcolt || >>77388
Simon o'Sullivan || >>77907 || 1/14/2012 || 1/11/2012 || Neighboorhood Watch Anonymous || Holo || >>77412
Simon o'Sullivan || >>78509 || 1/17/2012 || 1/11/2012 || S.O.S. Foal Detectives || Specter Von Baren || >>77442
Pascoite || >>78276 || 1/16/2012 || 1/11/2012 || This ugly yet beautiful world || Finesthour || >>77446
Demetrius || >>80133 || 1/17/2012 || 1/17/2012 || Spike's Errands || Anonymous || >>78212
ComradeRarity/Cheezesauce || >>80133 || 1/26/2012 || 1/17/2012 || Unnatural Weather || RandomPinkPie || >>78495
Sapidus3 || >>80491 || 1/28/2012 || 1/17/2012 || The Forgotten Land || Steptroll || >>78503
Casca || >>80926 || 1/31/2012 || 1/21/2012 || Lunar Beginnings Ch. 2 || Faintpony || >>79332
Pascoite || >>80361 || 1/27/2012 || 1/26/2012 || Hell Butterflies || Creegos || >>80232
Compendium of Steve || >>80983 || 1/31/2012 || 1/28/2012 || Hearths Warming Eve || Rainbowderp98 || >>80594
cheezesauce || >>80809 || 1/30/2012 || 1/29/2012 || [Pony-Net] || RavensDagger || >>80761
Lightsideluc || >>81141 || 2/1/2012 || 1/31/2012 || The Stars and the Ponies || Edmar Fecler || >>81042

UNCLAIMED fics
1/13/2012 || The Exchange || Solitair || >>77730
1/14/2012 || Black Equinox || JDude || >>80258
1/14/2012 || Rainbow Dash's Big Adventure || the dobermans || >>77897
1/15/2012 || Ace Combat: Shattered Rainbows || Brotato || >>78189
1/16/2012 || Jericho || Crushric || >>78221
1/17/2012 || Draconequus || cheezesauce || >>78626
1/18/2012 || PonyPuff || Leo Archon || >>78596
1/18/2012 || The Equestrian Bloodmoon || Whitestrake || >>78675
1/18/2012 || The Last Elements || RavensDagger || >>78715
1/19/2012 || Upon Wings of Sacrifice || Rated PonyStar || >>79019
1/19/2012 || Void || Damocl || >>78822
1/21/2012 || Equestria's Twilight || Sapidus3 || >>79352
1/21/2012 || Friendship is Mercenaries || Conchshellthegeek7 || >>79295
1/21/2012 || In The Beginning || Mason al'Cat || >>79176
1/21/2012 || Ravenspire || Imperius || >>79026
1/23/2012 || Beat of a Different DJ || Jolttix || >>79674
1/23/2012 || Musical Shorts || Lucefudu || >>79657
1/26/2012 || Capes || Triscy || >>79713
1/26/2012 || Ravenspire || Imperius || >>79026
1/26/2012 || Reclaiming Ponyland || Margos || >>79897
1/26/2012 || The Sweetest Gem || The Rarispy || >>80314
1/26/2012 || Tick-Tock Goes The Clock (A My Little Pony / Doctor Who crossover) || Dext || >>80253
1/27/2012 || A God Among Mares || Fearless Pie || >>80414
1/27/2012 || The Horn That Creates the Heavens || MegaTank || >>80357
1/29/2012 || Kindle the Bonfire || sirhim11 || >>80761
1/29/2012 || Twenty Percent Smarter || Richtus || >>80779
1/30/2012 || Sail By Night || Papyra Scribe || >>80884
1/30/2012 || The Quiet Place || Aynine || >>80806
1/31/2012 || A Fast Flier's Fillyhood || PurplePony || >>81102
1/31/2012 || The Three Souls || Athlon2736 || >>81058
2/1/2012 || At Home on the Range || Bronius Maximus || >>81161
2/1/2012 || At Home on the Range || Bronius Maximus || >>81161
2/1/2012 || Skating Lessons || Sonic Rainblast || >>81227
2/1/2012 || Stairway to Equestria || Alexaroth || >>81210
2/1/2012 || The Ballad of Asgard || Harkness || >>81192
2/1/2012 || The Price of Grace || Sparkle || >>81211
2/1/2012 || When the Guardians Fall || Rachomachus || >>81206
2/2/2012 || The outing at canterlot || Leochingu || >>80725
2/2/2012 || Ties That Bind || Seleen || >>81001
>> No. 81349
File 132818076224.gif - (15.39KB , 200x200 , 132580617333s.gif )
81349
>>81346
>2/1/2012 || Skating Lessons || Sonic Rainblast || >>81227
Er, I suspect that this is a double-post. Author put in his request mid-Jan and I haven't seen him/her make a second since then.

>>79713
>why do I love this image so much
The most Trixie I've read was in "Within and Without". Time to see what all the deal about her is about, then. Review in a day or two.
>> No. 81350
File 132818405463.png - (31.02KB , 444x444 , vim shrug.png )
81350
>>81345
Expecting to please every reader is a dream that, put bluntly, no one will ever achieve. Professionally published writers can't even publish things that are universally beloved. Even The Bard has his detractors.

It is far healthier to focus on having a strong story and letting the rest follow. If your story is good enough and truly speaks to something essential in the human experience, you will get readers. I've reviewed your stuff before. It is not perfect--no one's work is--but it's a damn sight better than a lot of things I've read. Don't cheapen your vision by choosing to pander.

If you write it, they will come, Stormchaser. Believe in your writing skills.

Apologies for this, Training Grounds reviewers, but I felt I needed to say something. I will return to lurking.
>> No. 81354
>>81345
Any writer worth worth developing their skill is a writer who finds themselves their own worst critic, or at least a critic. Even if you can't write, the mere fact you enjoy writing but are willing to question yourself means that you have just the right mindset to constantly improve.

You are a writer.

At the same time you cannot motivate yourself unless you write to please yourself. A balance must be founnd--to first entertain yourself, then entertain others while still appreciating your own work.
>> No. 81356
File 132819248641.png - (1.24MB , 1045x1134 , 65463 - artist Mn27 cheerilee plot.png )
81356
>>80725

because short...

And nice you say? I'll rip you apart be nice.
>> No. 81361
File 132819664299.jpg - (25.18KB , 400x343 , Anton-Ego-from-Ratatouille.jpg )
81361
>>80725
>>81356

First off all I copied your doc to word.

Your format needs work. Decrease the line spacing and either use indents or white spaces to indicate new paragraphs. There’s a whole part dedicated to this in the writer’s omnibus (It’s in the OP) Have this link to indicate how it could be done. http://bit.ly/zX6dzg

>“hmm let’s see ah ha!”
“Hmm, let’s see. Ah ha!”

> He quickly ran off and grabbed a few quills and paper rolling them up nice and neat laying them carefully with the gems.
Suggestion: He spurred away, coming back with quills and pieces of parchment. Spike placed them next to the gems.

>“okay I’m all set!” He said with a smile and proceeded to wrap up everything in the blanket making it into a makeshift travel bag as he tied the knot onto a stick then with a small grunt of effort he lifted it onto his shoulder as Twilight could not help but smile when doing so.
First of all if there’s a variation of X said following dialogue the word following the dialogue shouldn’t be capitalized. (names excluded of course) The writer's omnibus (the link's in the OP) should show you a better example.

I don’t think you need the said here. Since you already used it a few lines back and it’s still Spike who’s speaking. Suggestion: “Okay. I’m all set!” Spike continued wrapping up his blanket, turning it into a makeshift travel bag .After this he secured the blanket to a stick with a strong knot.

Second part with Twilight comes out of the blue… consider something else. Suggestion: Twilight couldn’t help but to smile as she saw Spike struggling to lift the bag.

>“So how do you feel? Nervous?”
“So, how do you feel? Nervous?”

>“well this is just more than royal duty isn’t now”
“Well, this is just more than royal duty, isn’t now?”

>“well um.. it.. ha.. she asked..”
Caps, if you’re going to use ellipsis. They’re made of three periods.

> Twilight looked a bit puzzled “wait… I thought that you asked her since the princess gave you some free time to relax and since you could bring one guest, you had Rarity already in mind”
Twilight looked at him, puzzled. “Wait… I thought that you asked her. Since the princess gave you some free time to relax and since you could bring one guest. I thought you had Rarity already in mind.”

LET US PULL THE BRAKE HERE FOR A MOMENT.

You’re forgetting something... Know it already? No? Well, it’s caps and punctuation. Things that, if you would have proofread, should have noticed. Even if your skills in punctuation are lacking, you should know there's supposed to be a caps at the beginning of a sentence and a period/exclamation point/ question mark etc. at the end. If you did this, there might have been some things wrongly punctuated and maybe one or two things forgotten, however, I’m not even past the first page…

So, let me give you some homework: Proofread your work, add the forgotten punctuation, work on your format, and send me an email once you’ve done this so I can do a proper review.

Keep writing
>> No. 81369
Hey thar.

You may have paid attention to Sir Duke's thread, in which case you know why I'm here. I doubt it though, so I'm going to repeat myself, just in case.

EqD has informed me that my fanfic is almost good enough to be accepted. The only thing that desperately needs to be cleaned up is chapter 1 (pt2). Apparently;

>"There are large chunks of dialogue that are not attributed to any pony, making it quite difficult to understand who is speaking. For this to go up on the blog, chapter two should be put through Ponychan first."

So, here I am! Hopefully, this time I'll get accepted. Anyway, I want you to pay special attention to chapter 1 (pt2), make sure that I fixed it. Of course, there are probably errors in the other chapters too...

Anyway, here it is:
Title: Caveat Emptor: let the buyer beware
Tags:[dark] [adventure]
Description
: Things are awry in Ponyville. Last Twilight Sparkle checked, the only voice in a pony's head should be her own. Curiosity piqued, Twilight and her friends do some investigating, and uncover a horrifying secret. As loyalties are tested, the six friends find themselves questioning the very world around them. But through it all, one stark, terrifying truth remains clear:

Everything comes at a price.
And It has come to collect.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5117/Caveat-Emptor%3A-Let-The-Buyer-Beware

Thanks for your time!
>> No. 81377
>>81349
I look forward to your review. :D
>> No. 81378
File 132821490836.jpg - (12.06KB , 600x254 , 430315-vlcsnap_00015_super.jpg )
81378
>>81361
...
>> No. 81389
File 132822080712.jpg - (15.49KB , 200x200 , 106304.jpg )
81389
>>81378
>> No. 81390
Are people going to start reviewing stories or just keep making faces at eachother?
>> No. 81396
>>81390
> Are people going to start reviewing stories or just keep making faces at eachother?
> start reviewing stories... keep making faces...
You got it the wrong way around, mate.
>> No. 81397
>>81396
His point still stands though.
>> No. 81401
File 132822651434.jpg - (15.67KB , 199x300 , Stewart.jpg )
81401
>>81390 >>81390 >>81396 >>81397
Oh, hi. Sorry folks. Carry on. But jeez, calm down, it's not like the great Muppetz thread derail of 2011.

>>81390's remark is valid criticism, so on behalf of Sturm and I, sorry for the two-post derail. Is it wrong, however, for me to think that it seemed just a bit dismissive of all the other reviewing work going on around here? I mean, the vast majority of reviewers aren't roleplaying, and >>81389 was just me asking Sturm to "get out" with a Ratatouille image. If it was directed at me and Sturm specifically (which it should have been), then I don't know why said anon used the general term "people", which makes it seem far more passive-aggressive and less sincere.
>> No. 81405
>>81401
Meh, I wouldn't take it too personally Demetrius. Anon sounds like s/he's just in a grumpy mood today.
>> No. 81408
>>81405
Come to think of it, I don't blame >>81390 for reacting so curtly. Roleplaying derails have been a problem before on /fic/.
>> No. 81413
Wow, I just looked at the unclaimed fics. Some people have been waiting weeks! O.o I guess it goes to show how many people want their story reviewed, and how backed up it gets.
>> No. 81414
>>81413
Weeks? Never mind then, if my story's up there, take it off. I'll see if I can wrangle myself a private reviewer.
>> No. 81416
>>81414
It seems to be more of what catches a reviewer's interest. Your story sounds really cool, so I'm sure it'll be picked up soon!
>> No. 81423
>>81416
Oh....
Really?

Huh...

Well, getting a private reviewer couldn't hurt anyways. Know any good threads out there, preferably new(ish) so the reviewer isn't bogged down with requests?
>> No. 81424
Tags: [comedy] [silly] [cops]

Synopsis: Ride along with the baddest mares this side of the Everfree forest as they bust criminals and keep the peace in Ponyville. Join Static Mane and Swift Justice during their patrol as they face the madness of the sleepy town of Ponyville.

Links: Only one "episode" thus far. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7743670/1/bReal_b_bPolice_b_bMares_b_of_bPonyville_b
I did submit it to Equestria Daily but I’m not sure it was ready and it appears to have been such utter and total dog #$^$ that it didn’t warrant a response from them. I planned to do more episodes, but this is literally this story's last chance before i abandon the idea. I'm used to writing of an analytical nature so my dialogue might be off and probably my usage of speaking lines.
>> No. 81429
>>81423
The story I submitted was my first one. So, I really can't recommend any of the reviewers. Though, if you do decide to take it to another thread I wish you all the luck in Equestria. ^.^
>> No. 81431
>>81424
You always get a response from EqD. If you didn't get a "To the pre-readers!" reply from Seth, it probably got lost. Eventually you do get a pre-reader response, though it may be short and cryptic.
>> No. 81435
>>81424
I read a bit of your story. It's hilarious, I think the only thing that would keep it from getting through the prereaders is some grammar and sentence structure, as well as some "show don't tell." Of course, I'm not a reviewer. So, I should probably let one of them claim it and pinpoint stuff like that. (I'm not to great with the grammar, but okay with sentence structure)
>> No. 81447
File 132823573068.jpg - (57.59KB , 400x517 , warface.jpg )
81447
>>78221
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7C8xjY9H7w

So, time to stop dawdling and read. But man, it was 60k when you submitted it and now it's over 100k -- I mean, sweet mother of Epona, you write fast, Crushric! Expect me to finish by some time this weekend.
>> No. 81462
>>80389
>>80412
>>80563
>>80660
>>80903
>>81072
Comments in doc.

The plot came together nicely, and I liked the inclusion of the brief stories, especially how they related to AJ's friends. Given that there were presumably many other items in the box, it might be nice to give an indication that AJ picked those particular items deliberately since she knew they would be special to individual friends.

Characterization was well-done throughout the story. The only possible exception is Braeburn, who was kind of a generic concerned relative. The Mane 6 were right on. This is easily your biggest strength in this story.

Mechanics: There were a few problems that kept popping up even in the later edits, so you hadn't completely massaged them into your brain tissue.
"the x of y" (passive structure) => "y's x"
"... conjunction adverb, ..." (comma misuse) => "..., conjunction adverb..."


Finally the marathon comes to an end. 3-4 hours of live chat/editing each night for 6 straight nights to whip this story into shape. I hope you feel like the story's better for it. I sure do. More than improving this particular story, however, I hope this gives you the tools to be a better writer going forward.

So what now? Definitely resubmit this to EqD, but here's what I'd recommend first:
Put the fic down. Don't read it. Don't edit it. Don't think about it. Let it sit for a week. You'll forget details, exact phrasing, etc. Then make another editing pass. You'll be surprised at what you catch once you've distanced yourself from it. If you're still happy with it, fire it off.

In the meantime, do a bit of research. Sadfics are my thing, so I can recommend some good ones. Read a few, and see what's been done. Pay attention to style: character studies (like you've done), life-changing events, fancy linguistics... That third one in particular - you had several moments of sophisticated phrasing and imagery. There are good examples of that out there if you want to do more of it and keep it running throughout the story (sometimes derided as purple prose).

If you make more edits and want me to look at them, let me know. It's rare to get the royal treatment like this, but I was happy to be of service. Good luck to you.
>> No. 81488
File 132825886663.png - (30.16KB , 96x97 , 132504374344s.png )
81488
>>79713
I'm going to do something different for you. I've taken the liberty of copying your chapter into a Google Doc, then leaving comments on it. You (and anyone with the link, really) are free to edit it. Then you can copy/paste / GDoc upload to your Fimfic account. Sound good?

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XILYKxNpG6DbdE81ahHHKSH1un6_pxkhZS8zDoaHHL0/edit?hl=en_GB

Hrmm. Hrrrrmm.

I'm going to address the pre-reader comments before giving you my overall conclusion for the prologue.

>1) show-vs-tell, infodump
I see you've fixed that. Good on you! The way you handled the cloak-and-hat retrieval backstory was interesting, and it certainly worked. Good instance of show there. Only show-vs-tell problem, I think, I've pointed out in the doc.

>2) tedious writing
Pointed out the instances with suggestions. "defeat" is the right word; srsly, get those fixed, and your prologue will get a lot better. It's because the good parts are genuinely good, but the little tedious tag-o'-text just kills it for me.

"choice of key words and phrases" extends to word repetition. I'd suggest you take a little time to think of alternate phrases for "walked away", descriptions of Trixie being angry/humiliated/embarrassed, if your fic's going the way I think it's going.

>There's a general feeling of malaise to the tale, one that consistently drops the audience out of disbelief and into dissatisfaction
I shall delve more into this... now.

Okay. So the thing is, right, Trixie? Yeah, well, she's actually pretty darn good with magic. She up-ended 5 of the Mane 6, and her only failure with magic was not being able to handle an Ursa Minor (which, frankly, is terrifying if you were in her shoes). She would NOT have:

1) built a lousy shack that collapses in minutes
2) used a hoof to get her hat when she could have used magic
3) failed to light a fire
4), though this is personal preference, began to lose her magic. Because that's the only explanation I can think of for why Trixie's being so weak. A curse? A magic-weakening spell? A bad case of indigestion. disrupting her thaumic balance? If it's something, you gotta tell us quick. I may be overreacting or repeating myself, but this is the biggest problem in your fic. Get this fixed and it will improve in leaps and bounds.

Apart from the logical fallacies here and there, the rest of it is pretty sound. Trixie's obnoxious, homeless and conflicted, and Cash Crop is a jerk, which is fine. The scenes are set well enough. Props must be given to your near-perfect punctuation and spelling, as well as your intro - it gave me a good feeling about you.

I'll get to Chapters 1 & 2 tomorrow. Maybe. Either way, it's on the way.
>> No. 81492
File 132826125034.jpg - (55.70KB , 599x502 , hammerspace.jpg )
81492
Shorthand: http://bit.ly/seB8vB s/nae/nigh/g

With gusto, as requested in the synopsis on FiMFiction (but also because your story allegedly involves “tormenting” of Fluttershy by your OC) I shall indeed be merciless.

Stream of Consciousness
First impression: your intro’s pretentious style is a major turn-off, and that’s not just because it oozes with delusions of literary grandeur. Your very first paragraph breaks the fourth wall in that the character Maximillian plays the dual role of being both narrator and a device for tossing in technical meta-commentary on formatting, pacing, exposition and passage delineation. It’s essentially just an author’s note disguised as a boring introduction gussied up in pseudo-academic diction.

Writers who switch between narrative perspectives and are skilled in it makes it clear, after introduction, exactly who the focus is on and when. By telling readers that they need to remember symbols, you’re telling them that you think they won’t be able to tell passages apart based on the writing itself. That sends them one of several messages; that you believe they’re too stupid to figure it out for themselves, or that you intentionally made your writing so confusing that it needs such a system. Or (returning later to comment here) that you’re just too lazy to pick one narrative voice for a story that centers around a single character and stick with it, getting creative and subtle in the areas where exposition is more challenging from any given perspective.

> story begins

Spike. He appears, there’s something on his mind, and then he disappears. What’s the relevance/importance? It was obviously thrown in just for mood setting and serves no additional purpose.

> Luna’s moon
CL

> the moonlight had to viciously claw its way through the dense canopy just to attempt to perforate the foliage
PP & R & O
If you wish to use personification, it helps to do so in a way that properly reflects the mood and description of the object in question. Also, the canopy does constitute foliage.

> RE: pale gray, short-haired hazel-eyed (etc) OC foreigner unicorn
Boring. Six purple paragraphs in and there’s no character development (and hardly any world building or exposition) to speak of. If physical characteristics are described in any detail, they must actually serve some purpose in giving away hints at the character’s background and/or personality. From what you’ve told me here, this character is a pimp. I mean, he’s got armor and weapons that would put most pimps’ bejeweled canes to shame, from what I read in the two paragraphs you spent describing them. Granted, it’s appropriate for royalty to have ornate everythings, but I think you went overboard.

> Even his cutie mark was exotic
Barely a fifth of the way through the first half of the prologue and my Stuometer’s reading is already at 0.6 Edwards.

Now, as for his language, it would appear more a show of creativity skill than a ham-handed declaration if you slipped this into some actual dialogue. Speaking of which, will there be any?

> I'm kind of a nerd with history
You’re sending out mixed messages. Here’s the first-person narrative of a character who is the lonesome errant son of a king far from his home, who began by speaking of how he “slew great beasts”, using a 20th-Century American slang term. Pay careful attention to this character’s diction. I mean, he’s Jericho Pendergast, correct? Do something to prove all that stuff you said about his language and vernacular, and do his royal upbringing justice.

Now, as this pimp wandering heir of a king travels through the Everfree forest, you disrupt the story with exposition in the form of declarative commentary that lacks all manner of sublety. If the backstory of your character were precious to you, would you not take time to think of how it could be artfully revealed? You could use the character’s attitude, behavior and/or flashbacks.

> “Hammerspace"
> pic
Over-used concept, and I have no idea what relevance it has besides allowing your character to haul around more swag than a Diablo II character with an inventory full of Horadric cubes. I mean, you practically admit through how he smugly describes the spell that you just tossed it in for that very reason.

And then, he has a draught of mana-tablet-infused water and muses on the effects of it.

Tell me, fucking tell me please, did J.R.R. Tolkien spend these many words describing the magical properties of every piece of enchanted equiment and victual? Even if he did, he didn’t do it all in one piece all like this all heavy-handed like (as I recall) but with lembas bread (for example) described the effect it had on the characters when they used it, and when it was important and necessary to use it, i.e. when the weary Hobbits were down to their last few morsels of it and trudging through Mordor.

> Pit Lords
http://bit.ly/AtS1FO
Uh...

So this is a story, right? A picture is worth a thousand words, or in your case, about 285, plus an actual, additional picture, as if it were relevant to the plot. I mean, come on, right as action begins you turn the protagonist into a lecturer on the subject of these demons as though he were a 14-year-old MMORPG player detailing the bestiary of his favorite game to his cousin.

Finally, some dialogue/action. Compared to everything else so far it’s awesome. Improve on it, do the exposing the character thing through dialogue, demonstrating his language instead of declaring it, etc. etc. etc.

> With that the three pit lords charged with a mighty roar and battle was joined.
> --J--
> They were agile, swift, and strong. But so was I...
Wait, what? It looks like you forgot that you were already in first-person narrative!

I shall ask at this point: if the story is, as “M.d.É”described, “a compilation of his journals, such that they are, and various other books chronicling his story in the 3rd person”, then why, if the narrative pieces fit together so well, would there be any need to switch back and forth between them? It implies a deficiency or series of holes in either of them that would warrant such back-and-forth. If they were so detailed, why would there be such holes?

Actually, I think that your historical-record gimmick could be entirely done away with.

> “Shit,” spoke I
More mixed messages.

Your whole duel needs more focus. Focus on dialogue. Focus on what is happening. Put yourself behind Jericho’s eyes and try to describe what you see and experience. You have Jericho describing the fight in an aloof manner as though it were a boxing match, in retrospect — wherein he muses on the strengths, weaknesses and techniques of him and his enemy. Your protagonist is really smug.

> He began to wretch out his fluids, expelling near fatal amounts of it. This was getting ridiculous. I should take the poor thing out of his misery. I hoped if things would have gone in his favor that he'd do the same to me.
BT

All in all it was hard to keep a straight face despite listening through my entire Dead Can Dance collection while reading. You need to focus on making it sound more compelling in this regard: improve your style or make it stand out less. I mean, sure it’s a part of your writing like your stomach is a part of your body, but here you have an enormous, hairy beer gut hangin’ out from under the bottom of a too-small T-shirt. Tighten it up with subtlety in exposition, diction that’s more appropriate for your protagonist, and getting rid of gimmicks that aren’t totally necessary for advancement of the plot/characterization. I’ll leave you with the rules of Kurt Vonnegut and of Mark Twain (from his essay on the literary offenses of Feinmore Cooper) which I think you have broken to a significant degree: (Vonnegut) 1, 3 & 5; (Twain) 7, 14
http://www.novelr.com/2007/11/15/kurt-vonneguts-8-rules-for-writing-fiction
http://www.mamohanraj.com/Writing/twain.html
>> No. 81505
I thought I'd take a break from CMEA (a previous story) and try my hand at something different. It's a short story approximately 7,500 words long, about a brief glimpse into the early life of Commander Hurricane through the eyes of his older self.

In it, she (I interpret Hurricane as a female) reflects on her time with Pansy and confronts a rogue dragon. If anyone's interested, see below for details.

Tags: [Slice of Life][Dark]

Synopsis: "In Pteryx, the Earth pony town we captured, I was hated by large numbers of ponies – the first time in my life that I have been important enough for this to happen to me. I was merely a captain of the Pegasus Army at the time, and in a petty kind of way, anti-pegasus sentiments were veering further towards the bitter end of the relationship spectrum. None of the Earth ponies had the guts to raise a rebellion, but if a pegasus civilian wandered alone through the markets, they were likely to find shops closing all around them, the owners peeking through gaps in the shutters and doors until the offending civilian had moved on…"

The pegasus who was one day to be known as Commander Hurricane started out as a grunt. A patrol officer for the captured town of Pteryx, Hurricane recalls one incident during her time there that changed her view of the Pegasus Empire – and her view of her close friend, Pansy.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7800922/1/Through_the_Eyes_of_the_Hurricane

Chapter to Review: Through the Eyes of the Hurricane (the link above will take you directly to it)

Comment/Request: This is an experiment in another genre for me. I'd like as thorough a criticism as I can get - line by line, if possible - and on the following points:

Characterisation of Hurricane and of Pansy. Whether it's engaging, credible, and/or consistent.

Worldbuilding. Is it excessive or too sparse? Do I ramble too much on details, or give just enough, or not enough?

Narrative Voice. The framing device is an experiment. It was also, I admit, a way to get around problems assigning the story to obscure characters like Hurricane and Pansy - by connecting them to better known characters - but I incorporated it into a framing device. Do you feel that it works?

Style. I want to come across as accessible, but there are a couple of times near the end when Hurricane becomes more reflective, and I'm not sure whether to keep them, trim them down, or drop them. Any thoughts on this?

Interest. Did you enjoy reading it? Did your interest waver at any point?

Streamlining. Does the story feel tight or a bit loose in places? Any particular places where it is like this?

And, of course, grammar, spelling, and punctuation.
>> No. 81507
P.S. Yes, I just spotted my gaff. Corrected:

"It's a short story approximately 7,500 words long, about a brief glimpse into the early life of Commander Hurricane through the eyes of her older self.

In it, she (I interpret Hurricane as a female) ..."
>> No. 81508
Back with a new chapter of my fic. Needs its first review, so here it is:

Elysian Fields

Sad/Grimdark

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wQddMmyQU9a38RLP462rV3feYQggIm52fNcx5yOUmXo/edit?hl=en_GB

"The Hearth's Warming story tells the tale of how Equestria came to be. It does not however tell of the dark secrets that followed. Find out about the true history, and dark secrets of Equestria's forgotten past."

Cheers :)
>> No. 81525
>>81462

First off, thanks for all your help. The comma issue is mostly because my mind tells me there's a verbal pause after a conjunction. Not sure why. I also noticed my misuse of prepositions but that's always been a problem for me.

With Braeburn, I honestly found it difficult to portray him other than this quirky cowstallion that tries to keep an upbeat demeanor. I'm going to leave him as is.

In retrospect, broadening the story to encompass how the entire Apple family dealt with the situation may have been a more interesting route to take. Then again, the original concept I had was to have enough material that the reader could imagine the tale as another episode of the show.

Go ahead and refer me to these sad fics, but honestly, I'll probably read them for my enjoyment more than anything else. When I wrote my first fic which got sent back by EqD, I kept adding more and more until I threw up my hands and gave up on it because it became more of a rewrite. I want to avoid that this time.

The plan is to re-read on Sunday or Monday, add the revised story on Fan/FIM, submit to EqD, and cross my fingers. If it gets sent back, I'll either try to work on it some more or just add an epilogue, publish it, and call it a job well done.
>> No. 81538
File 132830168234.jpg - (103.02KB , 761x800 , quite.jpg )
81538
>>81508
Hey Bullets. I'm not sure if it was forgotton, but you're supposed to add the story to the spreadsheet through the submission form: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsSubmit

I've taken the action and added it this time. Just a little reminder.
>> No. 81539
>>81538
Ah yes, thank you. I did completely forget. :P
>> No. 81565
File 132831388372.gif - (1.15MB , 533x587 , 01.gif )
81565
>>77730
>I get a more professional opinion.
>more professional opinion.
>professional opinion.
>professional
>> No. 81578
>>81488
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FpZwkkHHazCM-IzrHf6Bjm3tXBW181FuWYSrr25GZtk/edit?hl=en_US

I edited based on your advice. I consider this pretty good considering that you didn't have to highlight everything. I'll admit that I didn't spend much time editing the fanfic on my own after writing it.

I added some more explanation for her dwindling magic, but fixed it up so she'd use it more earlier on and modified the ordeal with the hat. Otherwise I fixed up the majority of the details, and replaced "colt" with "stallion"; I was under the incorrect impression that Colt was just a general male-horse term. He's supposed to be a full-grown adult, not a kid. Sorry about that.

I look forward to your review of Chapters 1 and 2. If you wouldn't mind, might I ask your help on future chapters after these two are finished? I'm generally used to working with partners and don't tend to fare well on my own, and you've been a great help so far.
>> No. 81592
File 132832114858.jpg - (4.47KB , 286x176 , images.jpg )
81592
>>81578
>I consider this pretty good considering that you didn't have to highlight everything.
Heh.

Sure thing! My email is ijchhoa@hotmail.com; I'd recommend that you put your new, future chapters into GDoc form and just email it to me, with commenting powers enabled. That's what I'm doing for another dude, and we can keep our back-and-forths off the thread.

Would you like me to look at your prologue again? Either way is fine, but if you do want me to, it'll have to be a few days later due to commitments and schtick. I will be getting to Chapters 1 & 2 though, don't fret. ;)
>> No. 81609
>>81508
Hi Bullets. My major grammar issues can be found in comments on the document.

First off: I love allusions to mythology. Your title makes me feel all warm inside.

One of the things that will get your story rejected on the spot is odd character designs for no reason. Cases in point: Firecrest and Skyfrost.

As you can see in the document, I have marked several places where you should show and not tell. The entire time I read your story, I couldn't really see any of the rooms. Describe them.

It didn't make sense to me that the pegasus would have not killed Thunder on the spot.

Now for a minor plot hole that bothered me: if Thunder sent messages so often, why did they have to send a search party out for them? Celestia would have known the location of the camp.

Overall, you've interested me. Good job.

Mister Man
>> No. 81613
>>81609
Thank you ever so much for the review. The chapter was somewhat rushed, so I admit there could have been more effort on my part in checking it, but I have been busy with college lately. I'll sort out the grammar issues and look into the Firecrest/Skyfrost issue. As for the confusion and plot-hole, the prologue and part one are up on EqD already, so reading them will answer any questions you may have.

Thanks again. :)
>> No. 81660
At >>80357
>> No. 81704
>>81147

In short

The Good:

Vampireshy is a great concept with a lot of potential, and you've got a lot of guts to take it on.

You have a wonderful style, especially at first. There's a shimmering nightmare-like quality that you have to hold on to. I'd love to work on polishing up your prose, because you really have something special there.

The Bad:

Unfortunatly, that'll have to wait for a later revision, because you have major problems with plot and character:

- You need a main conflict, so as to give your story an actual ending at some point.

- Bestpony is a shallow pushover.

The Ugly:

- That character whose name requires six different fonts to properly render. Though you do get a point for immediately nicknaming her, I will refer to her as "Sue" for the remainder of this review.

---

Both these show-stopping problems share the same root cause: not enough conflict early enough in the story.

Sue: *nomnomnom* You're a vampire now!

Flutters: Um, okay.

No, not okay. You're telling me that Fluttershy wouldn't hesitate to turn her back on her friends like that? I need some struggle, please! Until you have that, neither character is particularly compelling.

This is just my suggestion to get you started. Please adapt or apropriate as you see fit.

Fluttershy is caught between her fear of the unknown and her curiousity. It's pretty much the defining conflict in her character; take a look at her very first scene in 1x01. Both extremes can be sources of both weakness and strength, and playing them against each other is most of the fun in writing her.

Vampire stories are nearly always about forbidden desire, and in a symbolic sense are thus about sex. This is not a suggestion to make your story explict - quite the opposite - since nothing ruins suggestion faster than being too direct. (The Twilight series is a painful example.) Do feel free to make Sue something of a teasing temptress. As long as the "innocent" interpretation (she just wants to suck somepony's neck, honest) prevails you can't go wrong.

These two story elements dovetail perfectly, and that's why Flutters makes the best vampony.

In practical terms, I'd make FS less scared of the forest (it's dangerous, but it's also pretty much her backyard) and more scared of Sue. Let her slip into vampirism more slowly and with a sense of addiction: denial, hiding bite marks from her friends, that sort of thing.

PS: You don't have to change Sue's name or make her less special to fix her. I'd get rid of the multi-font thing as a matter of taste, but the only thing you have to do to de-Sue her is make her work harder to corrupt Fluttershy.

And do bring this back; I'd love to go deeper into the prose.

---

Claim
>>80258 Black Equinox

No offense against your fic specifically, but reviewers tell each other jokes about GD/HiE epicfics and how they tend to suck. I'll give you an open mind: if it's good, we'll fix up that synopsis posthaste.

If it's bad, well, *mwahahahaha*.
>> No. 81725
The verdict: your synopsis sucks.

This is worlds better than the last HiE Grimdarkopalypse with extra special sauce I read. In fact, after the first chapter, I'm really enjoying it! you monster

So have a shot at a better one.

Black Equinox
Twilight knew Spike would start to grow up one day, but that doesn't make it any easier when it happens. She's sure Pinkie's right: he just needs some space, and he'll be just fine by himself while she spends some time with Celestia.

But the Princess has her own reasons for calling Twilight back to Canterlot. Dark forces are afoot: two travelers in the Everfree have woken dark forces from Equestria's past, forces of fire and steel.

[Grimdark][HiE]
(stealth x-over)


--
ch 1 notes

Nothing wrong with having illustrations in the doc. If I have to click links, I'll be very disappointed.

Prose is a touch purple, but not horribly so. I'm in it for the characters first, though.

Luna's grammar needs some work.

>Fake as zirconium.
Gosh, I hope not, us humans use it to build nuclear reactors and stuff like that.

>"Oh, don't you worry dear. Spike will come around. He may be rather peeved, but really he's a sweetheart."

I love this whole interaction. Bravo, especially on Spike and Rarity's parts.

Oh crap, you're giving Twilight weapon spells. Minor nitpick: I wouldn't
> numerous applications both as defenses
just yet. Maybe something like
> Twilight was surprised the princess trusted her with such dangerous spells. Of course, she was an adult now, but Celestia had been her fillyhood teacher, and for a moment she was strangely aware that at some point she had grown up without really noticing. Poor Spike.

And then you kill him?! Oh balls. Yes, it's GD and you're allowed emotional gut-punches like that, but why do they have to be so effective?

---

ch 2

There are numerous little line-edits I want to make, things like

>"Not Spike! Not that sweet little squire!"
>>"Not Spike! Not my sweet little squire!"
(as you note later she knows, but, please, allow her this slip)

but I'm too swept up in the story right now.

Celestia is picarding too much.

>"M-mature Audiences'?" Fluttershy said.
Lol, Fluttershy. Characterization is perfect. Punctuation:
>>" 'M-mature Audiences?' " Fluttershy said.
Or no inner quotes. Be consistent.

Characterization note: this is only my headcanon, so you're not wrong, but I see Cloudsdale as kinda a rough place to grow up. Sadly, the idea that ponies might hurt each other isn't something that would surprise her or Dash. You might even say they're experts...

In my Equestria as well, ponies do understand the concept of killing. While they're not as violent as we are, they are a herd prey species and naturally like predators even less than we do. Some folk forget what Rarity's first response was to coming face-to-face with a manticore...

>She had been rapt in a thousand-yard stare
technically right, but reads wrong.


>(le end)
Oh, shit, this isn't a Half-Life/Portal x-over, is it?
ALL MY BITS!

----
ch 3

Bad author! Enable comments next time. I'll be going line-by-line in my own copy.

By far the biggest flaw is how damn much your villain talks. Seriously consider finding a way to make our little ponies something other than a captive audience all day long, or make him less of an o/bnoxious Captain Exposition.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Etd0i4zkMI35lpq4s2S5vUAf33jA_HgzbLIlgy3W02E/edit
>> No. 81726
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81726
>> No. 81736
Changed and sorted the latest chapter, but it could probably do with one more review, just to make sure. :P


Elysian Fields

Sad/Grimdark

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wQddMmyQU9a38RLP462rV3feYQggIm52fNcx5yOUmXo/edit?hl=en_GB

"The Hearth's Warming story tells the tale of how Equestria came to be. It does not however tell of the dark secrets that followed. Find out about the true history, and dark secrets of Equestria's forgotten past."

Cheers :)
>> No. 81738
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81738
“The numbers, Spike. What do they mean?”

“I… I don’t know!”

Coming to theaters, sometime in the future: NUMB3RS. Make everything count

Silliness aside. To those who are waiting to be reviewed. Why not claim an item yourself? Reviewing is a very good exercise for a writer, plus, you're helping another person. Who knows? You might even enjoy it that much you keep doing it. Go ahead and claim a fic today.


REVIEWS AWAITING ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Roan | >>75348 | 1/1/2012 | | 12/26/2011 | The Magnetic Republic | Nemislayer, CrimsontheWolf, CCZeroFire | >>74109
Simon o' Sullivan | >>76762 | 1/7/2012 | | 12/30/2011 | The Adventures of Sherclop Pones | writer | >>75018
Roan | >>75265 | 12/31/2011 | | 12/31/2011 | The Minecrafters Tale of Equestria | Roland | >>75174
Warden | >>78132 | 1/15/2012 | | 1/10/2012 | The outing at Canterlot | Leochingu | >>77255
Dromer | >>78190 | 1/14/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | Shadows of Scipio | einsUNDcolt | >>77388
Simon o'Sullivan | >>77907 | 1/14/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | Neighboorhood Watch Anonymous | Holo | >>77412
Simon o'Sullivan | >>78509 | 1/17/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | S.O.S. Foal Detectives | Specter Von Baren | >>77442
Pascoite | >>78276 | 1/16/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | This ugly yet beautiful world | Finesthour | >>77446
Eustatian | >>81725 | 2/4/2012 | | 1/14/2012 | Black Equinox | JDude | >>80258
Filler* | indoc | 1/15/2012 | | 1/15/2012 | Red Sky's Destiny | Roastbeezy | >>78145
Demetrius | >>78492 | 1/17/2012 | | 1/17/2012 | Spike's Errands | Anonymous | >>78212
ComradeRarity/Cheezesauce | >>80133 | 1/26/2012 | | 1/17/2012 | Unnatural Weather | RandomPinkPie | >>78495
Sapidus3 | >>80491 | 1/28/2012 | | 1/17/2012 | The Forgotten Land | Steptroll | >>78503
Casca | >>80926 | 1/31/2012 | | 1/21/2012 | Lunar Beginnings Ch. 2 | Faintpony | >>79332
Pascoite | >>80361 | 1/27/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Hell Butterflies | Creegos | >>80232
Compendium of Steve | >>80983 | 1/31/2012 | | 1/28/2012 | Hearths Warming Eve | Rainbowderp98 | >>80594
cheezesauce | >>80809 | 1/30/2012 | | 1/29/2012 | [Pony-Net] | RavensDagger | >>80761
Lightsideluc | >>81141 | 2/1/2012 | | 1/31/2012 | The Stars and the Ponies | Edmar Fecler | >>81042
Eustatian | >>81704 | 2/4/2012 | | 2/1/2012 | Shy of the Night | Kirdus | >>81147
Split Infinitive | >>81361 | 2/2/2012 | | 2/2/2012 | The outing at canterlot | Leochingu | >>80725

PENDING REVIEWS

Sparky | | | | 12/29/2011 | In Fragments | James Corck | >>74834
Kurbz | | | | 12/30/2011 | Flying High, Falling Hard | soundslikeponies | >>74994
Grif | | | | 1/7/2012 | Whiplash | Molotov Cocktail | >>76726
Anendlessepidemic | | | | 1/10/2012 | Legend of the Five Ponies | Simon o'Sullivan | >>77208
AidanMaxwell | | 2/1/2012 | X | 1/11/2012 | Good Night! {WIP} | Takeshi Ashirogi | >>77365
Split Infinitive | | | | 1/13/2012 | The Exchange | Solitair | >>77730
Uma | | | | 1/15/2012 | The Rise of Harmony | SpaceKing | >>78010
Filler | | | | 1/15/2012 | Fallout Equestria: Duel | Pacce of the Many Mustaches | >>78200
Demetrius | >>81492 | 2/3/2012 | | 1/16/2012 | Jericho | Crushric | >>78221
Casca | | | | 1/21/2012 | Skating Lessons | Sonic Rainblast | >>79249
108Echoes | | | | 1/27/2012 | The Horn That Creates the Heavens | MegaTank | >>80357
AidanMaxwell | | | | 1/28/2012 | "Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is." | SpilledInk | >>80488

UNCLAIMED FICS

| | | | 1/14/2012 | Rainbow Dash's Big Adventure | the dobermans | >>77897
| | | | 1/15/2012 | Ace Combat: Shattered Rainbows | Brotato | >>78189
| | | | 1/17/2012 | Draconequus | cheezesauce | >>78626
| | | | 1/18/2012 | PonyPuff | Leo Archon | >>78596
| | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
| | | | 1/18/2012 | The Last Elements | RavensDagger | >>78715
| | | | 1/19/2012 | Void | Damocl | >>78822
| | | | 1/19/2012 | Upon Wings of Sacrifice | Rated PonyStar | >>79019
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
| | | | 1/21/2012 | In The Beginning | Mason al'Cat | >>79176
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>79352
| | | | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
| | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Tick-Tock Goes The Clock (A My Little Pony / Doctor Who crossover) | Dext | >>80253
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Reclaiming Ponyland | Margos | >>79897
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
| | | | 1/26/2012 | The Sweetest Gem | The Rarispy | >>80314
| | | | 1/27/2012 | A God Among Mares | Fearless Pie | >>80414
| | | | 1/29/2012 | Kindle the Bonfire | sirhim11 | >>80761
| | | | 1/29/2012 | Twenty Percent Smarter | Richtus | >>80779
| | | | 1/30/2012 | The Quiet Place | Aynine | >>80806
| | | | 1/30/2012 | Sail By Night | Papyra Scribe | >>80884
| | | | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
| | | | 1/31/2012 | A Fast Flier's Fillyhood | PurplePony | >>81102
| | | | 2/1/2012 | At Home on the Range | Bronius Maximus | >>81161
| | | | 2/1/2012 | The Ballad of Asgard | Harkness | >>81192
| | | | 2/1/2012 | When the Guardians Fall | Rachomachus | >>81206
| | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
| | | | 2/1/2012 | The Price of Grace | Sparkle | >>81211
| | | | 2/1/2012 | Skating Lessons | Sonic Rainblast | >>81227
| | | | 2/2/2012 | Ties That Bind | Seleen | >>81001
| | | | 2/2/2012 | Real Police Mares of Ponyville | starlitomega | >>81424
| | | | 2/2/2012 | Caveat Emptor | Brony Z-Ro | >>81369
| | | | 2/3/2012 | Through the Eyes of the Hurricane | Impossible Numbers | >>81505
| | | | 2/4/2012 | Ponies on a Plane | Tartdefiance | >>81706
| | | | 2/4/2012 | A Dash of Magic | Zaiker42 | >>81711
>> No. 81739
Due to its great length and the fact that I've taken on way more than I thought feasible to complete in a timely manner (I mean, there are things that bear comment in nearly every other paragraph) as well as a lack of any strong desire to continue reading it (and other obligations), I'm putting Jericho on hold pending a response from the author.

Crushric seems like a smart fellow (there were hardly any grammatical errors in what I've read so far) so hopefully he'll be able to apply what critique I'm able to offer generally.
>> No. 81801
>>81704

Ok first up, cheers for reviewing it. In response to what you've said there are a few things about the story that I evidently haven't made clear enough (since you don't seem to have picked up on it).

1. I wasn't really trying to create the sense that Fluttershy is abandoning her friends. At the end of this portion she accompanies Nav to see Twilight with the intention of doing something about the affliction. Why she is so accepting of Nav right now is that I've tried to show Nav as being superior in ability to Fluttershy. In other words Fluttershy doesn't really have a choice but to go along with it.

2. Next point that again relates to Fluttershy's acceptance of the situation is that Nav's age (or age she appears to be) is very young. I've been thinking of her as a pony about applebloom's size and apparent age so the whole temptress thing probably wouldn't be a good idea. Because she appears so young I was thinking that Fluttershy would be more empathetic to the damaged looking filly lost in the woods.

3. Lastly the initial way I arranged Nav's full name was to try and show the vocal distortion that it generates in Fluttershy's mind. It was just a little experiment but I guess it didn't really pan out.

Anyway thanks again and I'll get down to this.
>> No. 81821
>>81801

> In other words Fluttershy doesn't really have a choice but to go along with it.
Defeat is much more effective when a character puts up a good fight first.

> I've been thinking of her as a pony about applebloom's size and apparent age so the whole temptress thing probably wouldn't be a good idea.

Well, yeah, that's why you can't make it literally sexual. I'm thinking of more the vibe of
- Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends "Berry Scary"
- Darla in Cats Don't Dance
- Midna in The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
That sort of irresistible presence. Nav needs it, in my opinion.
>> No. 81823
Title: A Ponyville Anthology
Author: Mister Man
Email: mister8man@gmail.com
Tags: [Slice of Life]
Description: The sun rises on another beautiful day in Equestria. Does a mysterious pony come to town? No. Is Equestria at war? No. Do Applejack and Rainbow Dash have trouble confessing their feelings? No. Are people coming to Equestria? No again. The ponies--and Spike--all have a normal day, and I'm going to tell you about it via the short story.

The first story is for Spike. It is no more than 1,500 words. Please give it a read.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vT2caMlkJ5Yy9Yr7camnTNJ2bFW2ckGH0qYPdJKvv6I/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 81864
>>3710
>>1242

I'll take these two. Barring unexpected circumstances, expect these within two days.
>> No. 81896
>>78626
I shall...attempt. Consider this a claim, if you must.

Give me a day or two (maybe three) to go through this. See you then.
>> No. 81903
>>81725

Well, I'm certainly glad you received most of the fic well :-)

You're too kind, really.

Still, definitely going to follow your suggestions concerning the previous chapters.

A question or two though:

I've heard of "Purple Prose" but I don't really know what it is, or how to avoid it. Any tips there?

-

Also, looked up "picarding" and found a number of urban dictionary definitions relating to sexuality, and I doubt that applies, so I assume you're relating Celestia's behavior as being like CAPTAIN Picard of Star Trek? Obviously I don't know the character very well, or else I'd probably know exactly what you were reffering to, lol.

-

As to chapter three, sorry about the comments thing, I wasn't aware they'd been disabled.

-

You ask when Trixie shows up if that's "the best I can do", and I'm not sure if you're reffering to Trixie's place in the story, or my description of her coat color. It'd help if you could clarify ;-)

-

Now to Mandeville himself, who I've retooled and, being the villain, I'm trying to be especially careful in characterizing.

I gathered you're not one for how chatty he is, and yeah, I agree, this is exposition-tastic. Problem is I don't really know how else I'd deliver a lot of the info he gives. Maybe I'll write down what he says, see what I can/should cut and work it into the story later to trim this scene down. There's not a whole lot I can do for the "captive audience" thing, unless they were to escape partway through and just get captured again after a chase.

A few comments of yours make me wonder though. At one point you say you're "really starting to hate this fucker". I'm not sure if that's in a, "oh, that bastard!" kind of way or in a "this character is a pain for all the wrong reasons" way.

Also, you add to Mandeville's little monologue that I'm forgetting "it really is for your own good". Do you really mean I should add that, or is that a bit of a sarcastic slam on Mandeville delivering one too many cliches?

-

Either way, this is such a pivotal chapter in the story that I really want to make sure it works. I'm all-ears for any more of your input and I thank you for being so fast and forgiving in your evaluation. I'm definitely adopting your synopsis, though with a little change to the end, I'm sure you'll understand :-)
>> No. 81921
>>80133
sorry I only just to to fixing it up this weekend, I've had a full load this past few weeks.

Well I see what you mean in most of your comments in the docs and I thank you for the review but about showing more emotion... To put it bluntly, I'm the kind of person who wouldn't give two shits (pardon the language) if half a town in reality died from some incurable disease. Plus the fact that english was my worst subject at school and I wrote the story out of sheer bordem, dosent really help much.

If I can barely realise and understand emotions in day to day life, then how the heck am i supposed to write about them? :P

Im sorry if this this is comming out the wrong way, I don't mean to offend.

But again, thankyou for the review. :)
>> No. 81941
Title: Tales of Earthquake Island

Author: Keyframe

Tags: Dark, Grim, Sad, Side Story, OC,

Synopsis: Everypony on Earthquake Island knows of the two missionaries from Equestria. What they don't know are the ponies they interact with. This story is about Blaze. A Captain of General Quake's earth pony army.

List of links to the story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NHXjgmC1QMz-OaAD1LUfod_i6ZIDupdkFdGuwkh_utA/edit?hl=en_US

Comments/requests: This is a one-shot side story. Before I even began writing this I did get BillyColt's permission. He has read it. So I have his stamp of approval.
>> No. 81953
File 132843698873.png - (135.28KB , 915x653 , fimduel.png )
81953
First and foremost, I'd like to apologize for how long this has taken. Second, don't let the length intimidate you. Most of it is filler and padding to make it look longer. Probably. The Overall section at the end is what you're looking for, anyways—that is to say, overall comments instead of line-by-line, which you'll find in the Stream of Consciousness section. Though, scene-specific comments will be in the Stream of Consciousness section.

Pity Seattle_Lite isn't actively reviewing anymore (though neither am I, really); I hear he's been looking forward to an account of what happened/happens to Rainbow Dash. This review has been written over the course of... Since-I-claimed-it number of days. As such, it's entirely possible that I contradict myself at points. The stream of consciousness part should reflect what I was thinking at the time.

This will have been the first time I've read anything related to Fallout: Equestria since June, where I gave up reading it after chapter four in favor of Past Sins, pre-revisions. ...Yeah. My apologies if I'm unhelpful or incorrect. I tend to fabricate things instead of looking them up without realizing it. I believe comma placement to be quite subjective, so that's probably going to take up most of this review. And please take what I say with a grain of salt. Everything non-grammatical (and quite a bit of the grammatical things) I say is just something for you to consider and just my opinion. (As you'll see, it's probably going to be quite different from that of the lady herself as you've quoted on FiMChan.) A lot of things may have gone over my head.

Also, there will be points I make that you may want to respond with, “Forget you, I'm using artistic license,” and there will be many of them.

I will be reviewing this in US English using a downloaded ODT version of your Gdocs copy as a reference but will also be looking at the FiMFiction version for formatting and presentation reasons.

Initial thoughts:
-This screencap of FiMFiction is what I see going into it.
-Your picture upload on Ponychan seems pretty badass, but FiMFiction appears to shrink it to make Rainbow Dash look kind of weak and pathetic.
-”Duel” sounds kind of uninspired. Surely there must be many more duels already existing in Fo:E proper?
-That's a lot of tags.
-From what I hear of you, you're a rather accomplished writer. So what's up with this low rating? I have no idea. All I know is that your story currently sits at 3.5 stars and 5 ratings. Update on the 17th: It's now at 4 stars and 9 ratings. Same nine comments, though.
-Rating: Teen. So no gore that Fo:E's loved for? ...Fo:E is gory, right? I don't actually remember. Or know.
-From what I've heard about you on FiMChan, you appear to be rather partial to writing about lesbians. The cast of this fic appears to be completely female. I wonder what could that mean.
-Speaking of cast, what does Pinkie Pie have to do with this? It looks fairly odd seeing her stuck between RD and Gilda like that in the list of characters.
-And now onto the (arguably) most important part: the synopsis. I'm not sure what to say. Every sentence is (Subject) (verb) (object).
>The world died.
>In doing so, she was branded a traitor.
>The mercenary was Gilda, an old friend from long ago.
Is it descriptive? I suppose. Is it dry? I would say so. I do hope this isn't indicative of the way you've written the fic proper. Also, the synopsis sounds like you're torn between trying to get readers who aren't interested in Fo:E and trying to appeal to Fo:E readers. And you space twice after the end of a sentence. Sometimes thrice. I suppose it's only fair to tell you that I really don't like that. Also, the synopsis doesn't actually tell me what to expect in the fic. That's kind of important, I'd think.
-And the “key.” Why's this in quotes after but not before? On top of that, the “She took X. X is Y.” structure is kind of bland.
-Lastly, the “The 'key' is Dash's head” line sounds trite to me. I'm afraid there isn't another word to describe what I think of the line.

Stream of consciousness, or thoughts whilst reading:
>Part I:
-As opposed to Chapter 1?
-Why is this italicized?

>Enemies
-Why is this bold and italicized? Right, I should mention: I'm quite vocal about formatting. I do suppose that might come off as pedantic or anal, but I don't go looking for these things. They just stand out to me, and I feel compelled to say something about it. So, for me, seeing “Part 1” in italics is already sort of tilting me, and seeing “Enemies” in both bold italics makes this look... unpolished to me. Consider formatting the two lines in the same manner.

>Standing out against a nearby snow peppered mountain was a pegasus with a soft blue coat and colourful mane flying with great speed at her partner.
-”colourful”? Is this written in UK English? Hm. A lot of the things I say are probably going to be void, then.
-Hyphen between “snow” and “peppered.”
-I'm envisioning a mountain mottled with snow instead of covered in it. Perhaps “peppered” is not the word you're looking for. Might I suggest “snow-covered”, or just “snowy”?

> partner. Passing
-Three spaces. I suggest a Ctrl+F Find “ “ (three spaces) and replace “ “ (two spaces). ...And then repeat the process with two spaces and one, respectively.

>Passing within inches of her was a griffon with purple markings around her eyes and at the tips of her head feathers.
-You mention a “partner” in the previous sentence, yet make no indication in this one that the partner is the griffon.
-”head feathers”? I'm fairly certain that this is called a crest. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crest_(feathers)

>The couple wore ragged combat armour with holes scattered across where it had failed in its duty, the accompanying scars beneath each telling a story of victory snatched from near death.
-”combat” seems removable from the sentence. It can be assumed that the armor is for combat, no?
-This last part, “beneath each telling a story of victory snatched from near death.” Is this necessary? The focus is on the griffon and the pegasus and their appearances, and the way you say this makes it seem tangential to the story.
-Likewise, “where [they] had failed in [their] duty” (they're both wearing armor, right?) seems to be just as tangential. If this information is vital to the scene, I suggest downplaying it a bit. Might I suggest:
>The couple wore ragged armour mottled with holes, revealing the scars that (something to show their heroism/badassness in battle here).
-I'm just going to assume their armor's enchanted to be light and flexible and bulletproof or something. I'm also going to assume their armors' enchantments also somehow wore off while they were getting shot at.

>They cork screwed through the sky as they sang words that no longer held any meaning to another living being on the planet's surface.
-Looking ahead a line, I should say that this isn't as much “singing” as much as it is “chanting.”
-Corkscrew. One word.
-Consider “other living beings” or “any other living being” over “another living being” to make it sound more plural. “[A]nother” makes it sound like the two plus one more. “(Any) other” puts the focus on the other.
-”[P]lanet's surface.” Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann comes to mind. Did they move underground? If not, consider just “planet” or removing “on the planet's surface” altogether.
>> No. 81954
>Junior Speedsters are our lives.
>Sky bound soars and daring dives.
>Junior Speedsters, it’s our quest to someday be the very best.

-Consider putting a line break between “quest” and “to”:
>Junior Speedsters are our lives.
>Sky bound soars and daring dives.
>Junior Speedsters, it’s our quest
>to someday be the very best.

-I suppose this is as good a place as any to bring this up: “an odd pair danced.” This made me think of the new episode where the twins flew about in a helix near the end instead of the choreographed cheer. Not sure what to do about this, but that's the image it gives me. Also, the cheer lasts for all of nine seconds. Not quite dancing.

>With the last words of their chant, they swooped in to land from opposite directions on one of the mountain’s outcrops.
-The chant doesn't quite end with a swooping in. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrToVh_2B_E
-”from opposite directions” I'm not sure if this is necessary. Consider cutting it; I think it hinders your pacing.
-Outcrops? I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outcrop

>outcrops. They
-Three spaces.

>They slid to a stop before one other, leaving twin trenches in the snow; sweat shone on both of them, their fogging breath was ragged.
-Consider splitting the sentence. The two independent clauses aren't very connected in idea.
-Comma splice between “them” and “their.”
-The comma between “other” and “leaving” seems removable.
-The chant doesn't really slide, either. In addition, I can't imagine them both “swooping in” and “[sliding] to a stop.” ...Well, I can, but considering how they can both fly, I don't see why a swooping landing wouldn't cause them to arc upwards and land softly.
-”[S]hone” implies that the object is giving off light. As cliché as it may sound, consider “glistened.”
-So my suggestions would make the sentence look something like this:
>They landed before one another, leaving craters in the snow. Sweat glistened on both of them; their fogging breath was ragged.
Now let's look at the last part: “their fogging breath was ragged.” Now, I don't like using the word “was” by itself as the verb of the sentence like that. It usually means the sentence can be made into a phrase or dependent clause. For example:
>their ragged, fogging breath
>their fogging ragged breath
Though I'm not sure where you'd put this phrase. Consider adding onto it. Alternatively, you could use “fog” as the verb,
>their ragged breath fogged.
and put this onto the end of the sentence as-is or as an adverbial phrase.
>Sweat glistened on both of them; their ragged breath fogged.
>Sweat glistened on both of them as their ragged breath fogged.
S'what I think.

>The pegasus was the first to speak. “Wow, I guess I am old,” said Rainbow Dash between pants, a youthful smile pulling at the wrinkles of her face.
-Much like the partner-griffon thing above, you make no link between “pegasus” and “Rainbow Dash.” This seems like an odd introduction for her, at that.
-I've seen this (Independent clause), (object) (participle phrase) sentence structure more times than I care for so I might be biased against it, but I disagree of your use of this structure. Consider changing the “pulling” to “pulled” and changing the comma accordingly (e.g. as, while, etc.)

>“Hey, at least we pulled off the whole routine without crashing for a change,” the griffon said with a dull look on her face.
-I thought Gilda was sent to kill her? This makes it sound like they've done this before recently. In which case, crashing? How could that come about?
-You might want to use a more descriptive word than “dull.”
-This paragraph's indent is messed up on FiMFiction.

>“It’s not my fault your big clumsy griffon wings got in the way, Gilda.” Rainbow said with a snort.
-I'm just going to assume that this period in the quote was an oversight on your part. “...Gilda,” Rainbow said...
-So where's the snort come in here? Before the dialogue? After? If it's before, you might want to move the snorting accordingly.
-Is the implication that they crashed into each other before? So they've done this multiple times recently? Why is Gilda agreeing to this?
-This paragraph's indent is messed up on FiMFiction.

>The pesgasus closed her eyes as she caught her breath.
-Pegasus. Or better yet, use “she.” Let me copy and paste something another reviewer wrote on what we here on /fic/ call Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. It's when you use things like “cyan pegasus” after you've given the character a name.
You use “the pegasus” and then “Rainbow Dash” and then “the pegasus.” By naming her, you bring her closer to the reader. By using “the pegasus”, you establish distance.

>For a second there, I wasn't, ya know, here.
-...What? I have no idea what this means. The juxtaposition of “there” and “here” doesn't quite help, either.

>She opened her eyes and her her expression melted, Gilda had thumbed open the holster on the underside of her chest.
-”her her”
-Comma splice.
-Suddenly, guns!
-I'm assuming Rainbow Dash has completely given in to Gilda, because it sounds to me like Rainbow Dash has had plenty of opportunities to jump her and take her gun.
-”closed her eyes... open her eyes” seems a tad dry because of repeated sentence structure. Consider changing.

>"You ready?" the griffon asked, drawing out her customized sub machnine gun.
-Submachine. No space, no extra N.
-Wow. Flying with that thing on her chest must've been quite hard for Gilda. ...Well, she kind of half-assed the cheer in the show, so I do suppose there's that.
-”That was fun. 'Kay, I'ma kill you now.” ...Right.
-Does the customization actually matter, or is it just detail? If it's just detail, consider removing it. Or start detailing everything End of Ponies-style. The level of detail should be consistent.

>The pegasus sighed, the last traces of her joy leaving with that breath.
-There's that structure again. Consider: “The pegasus sighed away the last traces of her joy.” or something of that ilk.
>> No. 81955
>"No," Gilda said coldly, she reached down with her beak to the knife sheathed next to her neck.
-Comma splice between “coldly” and “she.”
-I'll be honest: This image made me giggle. She has a knife in beak and a gun in claw. I'd say something about imagining Roronoa Zoro with a sword in mouth and gun in hand, but after a quick Google search, I see that that's actually totally badass. But yeah, this description of Gilda makes her look in my head like an OC where the artist tried too hard to make her look cool.
-Also, now I really can't imagine Gilda actually flying about like that. That sounds unwieldy.
-Consider moving descriptions to the introduction of characters. It sort of comes off as “Suddenly, also a knife!”

>She pulled the blade partially out before pushing it back into place, satisfied with the smoothness of the movement.
-Consider moving “partially” to before the verb.

>"So how do you wanna do this?" she asked, eyeing Rainbow over, her gun aimed down and away.
-”her gun aimed down and way” makes it seem fairly... Shall I say, busy? You're already modifying “she” with “eyeing”, and now you're presenting another object, “gun”, into the sentence with its own modifier.

>"You gonna get you weapons out or do you want to surprise me?"
-I assume you meant “your weapons.”

>Rainbow let out a single joyless laugh.
-Consider a synonym for “joyless.” Mirthless, perhaps? Shallow? Hollow?

>"No weapons to get, I had to leave the Up-and-Up in a hurry."
-Comma splice.
-Consider removing “to get” or adding an “out” after it for parallelism with “get your weapons” a paragraph earlier.

>The corner of Gilda's mouth tugged downwards.
-Seems to me like quite a wordy way of saying that she frowned.

>"Wouldn't be the first time I shot an unarmed pony," she muttered to herself, a trace of disappointment in her voice.
-I said earlier that I gave up Fo:E for Past Sins. You know what's ironic? It's because of Past Sins that I have such disdain for this (Sentence), (object) (modifier) structure. It was quite prominent in Past Sins... Quite prominent. As for why I don't like it? I think it sounds awkward and busy or incomplete. Consider “...herself with a trace...”

>Rainbow's eyes locked onto the handle of the knife next to Gilda's long, feathered neck.
-It's not really long. She has a neck as long as, say, Rainbow Dash's.

>"Wouldn't be the first time I took on a griffon unarmed, and killed her with her own weapons."
-This sounds kind of cliché. Standard “I don't need weapons” stuff.
-Consider removing the comma between “unarmed” and “and” as the conjunction doesn't separate two independent clauses.

>A smile crept across the griffon's face, "Oh-ho, is that a fact?...
-Comma splice.
-I can't imagine Gilda saying “Oh-ho” or “is that a fact”, but that's just my view of her. Those two lines make her sound more erudite than the same Gilda who said, “Hey! I'm walkin' here!”

>Rainbow Crash
-Childish insults do not blend well with murderous intent unless the one with said intent is also a child.

>With the one gone, she didn't know if she could rely on her speed anymore.
-”one” and “her speed” don't seem to blend well. Consider “one” and “the other” or “surprise” and “her speed.” ...Actually, just “speed” sans “her.”
-Also consider using “without” instead of “With... gone.”

>Thinking about rushing in close, grabbing my knife, cutting my throat as you go and then jamming it in the big hole in the side of my armour?
-Gilda can slash her own throat while drawing her knife? That sounds like a suboptimal place to keep it, then.

>Truth is, I only got one bullet left in my buddy here.
-Only one bullet in a submachine gun? Sorry, but I'm incredibly skeptical of this. It sounds like you're trying too hard to make this scene look cool. It's fairly reminiscent of the phrase “a single tear.”

>So I was thinking-
-This (—) is an em dash. It's used for showing an interruption in dialogue or thought or narrative. (It can also be used as a comma or a semicolon in some cases, but that's a different issue.) Strongly consider replacing your hyphen with it.

>"Don't hurt yourself," Rainbow shot instinctively.
-This makes her sound rather concerned about someone out to kill her. And someone she intends to kill herself.

>Gilda glared, her expression soured.
-Comma splice.

>I was thinking maybe we do this the old fashioned way, not as the trained killers we both are.
-The second half of this sentence you can probably do without.
-I'd've thought Gilda would have jumped Rainbow Dash on sight if she were a trained killer.

>Pre-Equestria style
-I can only assume this means something with respect to Fallout: Equestria because it's lost on me.

>"I'm sure your masters won’t be pleased with their dog playing on their bit," Rainbow warned, pacing in a slow circle with Gilda's eyes following her.
-I'm sure her masters won't be pleased with failure, either.
-Rainbow Dash seems really given into this with her words, but her actions indicate otherwise.

>And they want your head to get past those dorky defensive do-hickies on that whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it.
-Ah, so that's what you meant by 'key'. In that case, going back to your synopsis,
>To retrieve this "key", the pegasi hired a mercenary to bring it back. The mercenary was Gilda, an old friend from long ago. The "key" is Dash's head.
This is just exposition, and the synopsis shouldn't be “this has happened” as much as it should be “this is happening” or “this will happen.” These lines seem easily condensible and/or removable. Or replaceable with what's to come. This is only part one, right? You wouldn't read Fallout: Equestria if it said just “Littlepip lives in a post-apocalyptic Equestria,” would you?

>They never gave me a time frame, so I can kill you for days.
-I hope Gilda isn't getting paid by the hour. Likewise, I hope Gilda doesn't need the money to put food on her plate or whatever the equivalent is in this world. Also, I highly doubt they'll like waiting. Oh well, I wouldn't know because I know nothing more about this than “Gilda has masters.”

>Gilda dug her talons into the snow, her tail whipping excitedly through the air. "It's just you and me here."
-And this comes after the chant where they seemed so happy together.
>> No. 81956
(Update, 9:06 PM on Jan 17. I noticed you updated your Google Doc. Something tells me this is going to be a regular thing. Sorry, but for reasons you can probably imagine, I'm not cross-checking to see what's changed and what isn't. I download fics as a file so I can copy and paste because Opera is less than cooperative when it comes to doing so from Gdocs.) Screw it. Switching browsers so I can just copy and paste. Starting on 5:49 PM on Jan 18. Now I remember why I don't copy and paste from Google Docs. It has hidden characters. Back to ODTs.

>”You want a shot at the title, Gilda?”
-What title?

>You wanna see who's the tops between us?
-”Tops”? Is this a British thing? Consider “who's better” or “who's the best.”

>Dash pawed the ground, her eyes full of fire.
-Consider “pawed at.”
-So Dash goes from “Don't hurt yourself” to murderous intent in ten seconds flat almost instantly.

>Gilda flared her wings, a wide grin on her face.
-Dat sentence structure.

>"You wanna play? Let's play." Rainbow licked her lips. "1-2-3-go!"
-Consider deitalicizing all of this, except for maybe the “go.” I'm not a fan of italics when used closely like this in an isolated fashion.
-Consider writing out your numbers and using commas over hyphens.
>”You wanna play? Let's play.” Rainbow licked her lips. “One, two, three, go!
-Hm. That seems a bit dry. Consider adding an “Oh” to the front of the dialogue.
-On a related note, it feels to me like there should be some kind of beat sentence between the first two sentences.
>”Oh, you wanna play?” Rainbow Dash snorted. “Let's play.
Hm. Maybe keep this italics. Oh well. But now that I look at it even more, this seems like a lot of questions in succession, throwing off your pacing a bit.
>You want a shot at the title, Gilda?
>Is that it?
>You wanna see who's the tops between us?
>You wanna play?

>They launched at each other, kicking up snow in takeoff, leaving the rocky ground bare in their wake.
-Consider “...in takeoff and leaving the...” or just “...kicking up snow and leaving the...”

>Gilda grabbed at the pegasus’s worn barding and twisted to the side, sending them both spinning.
-What's a barding? My dictionary doesn't say anything.
-”Sending them both” makes it sound like Gilda's being sent. Consider having Gilda actively spin instead of passively being spun.

>The griffon threw her, sending her tumbling toward the sharp face of the mountain.
-Gilda, the griffon, Gilda, the griffon. You appear to have a mild case of chronic LUS. Consider “She threw Rainbow Dash, sending her...”
-Sharp face? I thought they were on a peak? That's where snow and outcrops tend to be, right? I mean, I looked up outcrops on Wikipedia and I got a peak. Maybe I missed something. I'm not the most thorough of readers.

>

>mountain. Rainbow
-Single space.

>spin, turning
-Double space.

>Rainbow flapped furiously to break her spin, turning an instant before crashing against the rocks, flaring her wings and bringing up her hooves.
-”Flaring her wings”? I thought it was bad enough that you used it once, but it flowed well the first time... Well, I put it in the same category of phrases as “Celestia's sun,” “used her magic,” “a single tear,” “furrowed her brow,” etc. In any case, I dislike the repetition of the phrase, word for word, possible general overuse of the phrase aside.
-Consider saying “flapped her wings.”
-If she flares her wings and brings up her hooves before crashing, then it should get its own sentence or independent clause. Participle phrases imply concurrency. ...Well, that's assuming I'm reading this right. With the way you've written it, it could come off as
>(turning an instant [before crashing against the rocks,]) [flaring her wings and bringing up her hooves.]
or
>turning an instant (before [crashing against the rocks], [flaring her wings] [and bringing up her hooves.])
The second example here is a list of three participle phrases (crashing, flaring, bringing) with no serial comma. If it's the second case, then you might want to consider “...before she crashed... flared... and brought...” instead.
-Well, I guess I shouldn't be saying that because I'm having trouble imagine what's actually happening.

>She struck hard, absorbing the force of the impact , legs coiled tight against her body.
-I... have no idea whether or not this was supposed to show her getting hurt or her pulling some kind of recovery.
-Space before the comma and after “impact.”
-”Striking” makes it sound like she's doing the striking, not being something used to strike. ...I hope that made sense.

>Glaring, she released the pent up energy, shooting off the rocks with enough kick to make any apple bucker proud.
-”pent up energy”? Assuming you mean elastic potential energy, you don't jump higher if you jump first. Either way, you'll be moving from a crouched position to an upright position, bringing the rest of your body with you. If you land, that energy is put into bending your legs and pushing you down. That energy is then lost to the ground. Full disclaimer: I durdled my way through my mechanical physics class and I never learned physiology, so I'm most likely making stuff up here. Why does it matter? Well, if what I say is true, then you can probably do without “released the pent up energy” and just go with “she shot off the rocks.”
-”enough kick to make any apple bucker proud.” Show, don't tell.
-Consider “energy and shot” over “energy, shooting”.

>'Just what I wanted you to do,' Rainbow thought...
-Both italics and single quotes for thoughts? Is this a British thing? I thought in British English, single quotes were for dialogue. Consider having just italics or the single quotes. I suggest italics.

>...while bringing her back right low.
-Sorry, but I have no idea what this means. Then again, I don't know a lot of things.

>low. Gilda
-Single space.

>Gilda never even saw the hoof before it struck just above her left eye. The griffon was sent rolling across the snow as Dash whipped overhead.
-This sounds easily compressible without losing meaning because one of them uses passive voice. Might I suggest “...above her left eye, sending her rolling across...”?

>With a smile far too young for her face, the rainbow haired pony turned her head back and called out, "Catch me if you can, Gilda!" She followed up with a loud raspberry.
-Oh, right. They're old. I'd completely forgotten about that ...How are they not busting a hip with every move?

>Gilda looked up from the ground, rage etched into her face, letting the blood from her cut reach her eyes.
-Goodness, that's clunky. Consider condensing to “up from the ground with rage etched into her face”? Oh, wait.
“up from the ground with her rage-etched face”, perhaps?
-”letting the blood from her cut reach her eyes” doesn't seem to put that much focus on the event. As you stuck it onto the end of this sentence, it seems like an afterthought. Consider giving it its own sentence.
>> No. 81957
>...Rainbow pounded the air with her wings.
-Consider “pounded against.”

>dive, but
-Double space.

>...there was only so much air between her and the ground and Gilda would be on her in a second...
-Consider a comma between “ground” and “and” as the “and” is used to join two independent clauses.

>She knew that her best bet to lose her pursuer would have been to play hide-and-seek around the mountain, but then it would have only been a matter of time before Gilda found Spike.
-”[P]lay hide-and-seek.” Why does this remind me so much of the picture with “Osama Bin Laden, Hide and Seek World Champion, 2001-2011”? Probably because in neither of the cases is “hide-and-seek” too suiting for the situation.
-Likewise, I disagree with the use of “best bet” in narrative. Makes the voice sound too casual in my opinion.
-Let's see, Spike, Spike...
>Went to see Spike who was still sleeping.
Right, Spike. I wouldn't have understood this without the line above, but I'm probably not your target audience, anyways. Probably still something to keep in mind, though.

>Rainbow couldn't let that happen, so she flew on, leading the griffon away.
-So I guess this is as good as any a place to say this: You appear to have chronic Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS). You keep switching between “Gilda” and “griffon”. When you use “griffon”, this makes Gilda less multidimensional. It reduces all aspects of the entity that is Gilda to just the fact that she is a griffon. While this is good for distancing her from the reader, that does not seem like your goal here.

>When Rainbow chanced a look back, she found the griffon was further back than she feared, but a lot closer than she hoped and quickly getting closer.
-See above.
-Consider “that the griffon.” Or “that Gilda.”
-” but a lot closer than she hoped and quickly getting closer.” I... I can't tell what this means.

>Dash saw that she had packed her fresh cut with her own feathers, making for a grisly looking bandage.
-Rainbow or Dash? Please stick to one.
-Grisly. I learned a new word today.
-Consider removing “Dash saw” and rewriting the head of the sentence accordingly. Alternatively, consider using “she” over “Dash.”

>The pony wracked her brain for anything that could give her an advantage.
-LUS.

>The pony wracked her brain for anything that could give her an advantage. She found herself remembering something from long ago, lying atop a bookcase while an excited voice below read from a book.
-The way this is written makes it sound rather uninspired. It's like Jimmy Neutron's brain blasts without the foreshadowing.

>The memory faded as Rainbow's own thoughts bitterly added, 'Yeah, but I just flew from the only mountain in the area, I don't have anything to camouflage myself with, the forests are radiation choked deathvilles, and if I go into the cloud layer, I'll probably run into a pegasus patrol who will shoot me on sight. So thanks for nothing, egghead.'
-You have Rainbow Dash recite lines from an old book she read ages ago. Or something. I would kill for the ability to pull from a seemingly photographic memory under pressure like that.
-And then she berates the author while being chased by a killer griffon. If I were in her situation, I wouldn't be thinking, 'Thanks for nothing, author of a book I read long ago.' I'd be thinking, 'Oh shit fuck motherfuck shit god save me fuck shitcocks she's gaining shit fuck fuck fuck fuck.'
-Hyphen between “radiation” and “choked.”
-”Deathvilles”? As in villages of death? Certainly you can find a better phrase. In part because I think “deathville” sounds uninspired, in part because forests aren't villages.

>Rainbow came up with increasingly unlikely plans to get the griffon to land.
-Either Rainbow Dash doesn't know how serious her situation is or, more likely, doesn't care. Seems like a poor place to put what I'm guessing is supposed to be comic relief.

>Wait, does she even like guys?
-Called it.

>I'll just say both are in there, play it safe.
-That sounds terrible. That'd attract attention away from her.

>Her wings locked to her side and she dropped like a stone, managing to only lose a chunk of multi-colour mane to the deadly razors.
-She'd still move forward, and I don't think she'd fall fast enough to not get slashed. She'd have to do a barrel roll or something. I think.
-If it's assumed that the reader knows who RBD is, it can be assumed that the reader knows what color her hair is. Consider cutting “multi-colour.” If not, then nix the hyphen. You use “multicolour” later on.

>Radiaton, schmadiation, if I can’t slow her down...
-I would call this a comma splice.

>At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here.
-Comma splice.

>...outer-most edge of the grove, and began to spiral inwards...
-Comma unnecessary.
-She aimed where now? Spiral inwards towards what? Is she flying in a giant circle?

>spiral inwards towards the center and, hopefully, a plan.
-This sounds pretty awkward, comparing a physical destination to an intangible one.

>Leaves slapped her face as she flew, dodging the thicker branches and weaving in between the trees.
-Modifier error. Makes it sound like the leaves were doing the dodging.
-Consider “her in the face”

>Behind her, the sound of branches being snapped let her know that Gilda was behind her.
-And then Gilda kept flying into branches.

>The pony bit her lip and started looking for her brilliant plan to get out of the situation alive.
-Consider “for a brilliant plan” instead.

>...get out of the situation alive.
>The fleeing pony scanned around in the...
-The transition between these two paragraphs (or the lack thereof) seems pretty rough.

>The fleeing pony scanned around in the half seconds she had between dodging, the first thing she noticed were nozzles jammed into some of the trees.
-Wow, this sentence is huge and dense. Let's try to break it up. First, comma splice.
-Next, “thing” and “were” is a subject-verb disagreement.
>The fleeing pony scanned around in the half seconds she had between dodging. The first things she noticed were nozzles jammed into some of the trees.
-Now for some questions. Why “half seconds”? Maybe I just have a bias against using “half” as a prefix, but surely you can find a better noun. Maybe “moment” or “instant.”
-Next, “between dodging”. There's two ways I see this, and they both raise issues. The first is alone. In that case, dodging what? Gilda's claws? The trees? The sentence feels incomplete. The second way is in context. Taking the phrase “dodging the thicker branches and weaving in between the trees” into account, this feels incomplete and repetitive because you use the same verb twice.
-After that, “the first things.” This makes it sound like there are more things she's noticing. Reading the rest of the paragraph, she does notice more things, but you don't use the same “nth things” structure. Consider removing “the first things” or adding “nth things” for parallelism.
-Then we have “nozzles jammed into some of the trees.” I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're talking about the sap and buckets from Fall Weather Friends. This is what I imagine a nozzle to look like: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/11/Water_nozzle.jpg Consider “faucet”, “spigot”, “spout”, or “tap.”
>> No. 81958
> before. She
-Single space.

>She knew what it meant, and the wheels turned in her head.
-”wheels turned in her head” seems too comical for the situation to me. Is this intentional? I'm, uh... I'm going to just assume it is.
-I'm starting to think that the tags were misleading, so I'm going to disregard them. Note to self: Don't trust tags to tell me what a story should feel like.

>She saw hoof prints in the ground, maybe a day old; this added the grease of plausibility to the wheels turning.
-...What wheels? The ones in her head?
-If so, what plausibility? I'm assuming the grease is metaphorical.
-“Hoofprint” exists as a word, less common than “hoof print.”
-This “this did X” structure seems really unwieldy. To me, it's reminiscent of Past Sins, pre-revisions. Consider “old, adding (the) grease of...” or something else completely.

>The weaving continued as she looked for the right combo...
-Consider “She continued to weave as...” It has a word more, but it puts the focus on Rainbow Dash.
-A right combo? What's this? A combination to a lock holding something she wants? A combination of attacks to unleash upon Gilda once she regains the element of surprise or once she's cornered?

>an upright bucket under a nozzle.
-The combination of a bucket under a nozzle. Well, that was a bit of a letdown. Consider:
>She continued to weave about as she looked for a bucket under a tap.
Modify to flavor.

>nozzle. She
>time. While
-Single space.

>eye, she
-Double space.

>Out of the corner of her eye, she saw what she was looking for. Two buckets that would be within reach in the next pass around the orchard.
-This seems easily condensible. If not, the second sentence is a fragment, anyways. Consider:
>Out of the corner of her eye, she found some: two buckets that would...
>Out of the corner of her eye, she saw two buckets...
or something of that sort.
-This seems kind of poorly paced. “She was looking for something. She was running out of time. She found that something.”

>She dodged behind the thickest tree and went low, catching both buckets by the handle with her forelegs; she let go the breath she had been holding at the confirmation that they were full.
-Goodness, that's a mouthful.
-So much dodging and weaving.
-Thickest tree? What significance does that have?
-Breath? What breath?
-”Confirmation that they were full.” Goodness, that's another mouthful. On that note, I believe this bears repeating: Breath? What breath?
-There does not appear to be a discernible narrative voice. Rainbow Dash did this, did that, thought this, said that... I'm giving this issue only one bullet point here, but from what I can tell so far, to me, it's the largest issue in your fic. (Second is description, or the seeming lack thereof. This may be related to the first.)

>'Phase one complete, now for phase two of operation "Please Don't Let This Griffon Kill Me",' she thought to herself.
-Comma splice between “complete” and “now.”
-Please? Why is she pleading? She's Rainbow Dash. She should be demanding.
-I thought operations were stylized as “Operation <Name here>.” In your case, it would be “Operation Please Don't Let This Griffon Kill Me” without quotation marks.
-Consider moving the name to after “phase one.”
-”[T]hought to herself.” Well, I would assume she wouldn't be thinking to anyone else. Consider removing the “to herself.”

>The pony was rewarded with a look of shock on Gilda's face when she spun round the next tree and charged her head-on.
-Rewarded? That seems like an odd choice of verb, given the situation.
-”round”? Did you mean “around”? If not, then it seems rather awkward.

>"Head's up, G," she called as flew inches above, upending both buckets at the same time.
-...she called as she flew...
-Above what?
-You could probably do without “at the same time.”

>The thick brown liquid...
-...Right. You can imagine what I imagined what this was when I saw this without you saying what it actually is.
-Somehow, Rainbow Dash knew that the buckets wouldn't be empty? Upright bucket under a tap need not mean that the bucket has something in it.

(Update, Jan 26: Noticed that your FiMFiction link was used on Equestria Daily. I'll be using that until further notice. Damn, I'm slow.)

>"Try looking around sometime, Gilda," the raibow pegasus chided as she pushed down on a sapling.
-LUS. And you spelled “rainbow” wrong.
-Pushed down on a sapling. Wait, is she... Let's look ahead a bit.
>Rainbow Dash winked, folded in her wings, and was catapulted into the sky.
Yup. She is. If Google Images is trustworthy, saplings aren't really... wood.

>She had bent the sapling back until it was touching the ground and settled herself on top, the force of her flapping wings holding it in place.
-Dat sentence structure.

>"Ugh," the enraged Gilda stopped thrashing...
-”Ugh.The enraged...
-So if she stops thrashing, is she still enraged?

>I swear, I'm gonna have to kill you on principle alone for that one.
-I cannot imagine Gilda saying “I swear.” But that might just be me.

>Seriously, I’m going to kill you. A lot.
-She'll kill Rainbow Dash so mortally that Rainbow Dash will fatally die to death. “A lot” seems like it could be replaced with something else more suitable. Like some kind of descriptor. “Slowly”, “painfully”, “over and over”, “strangle you with your own intestines”, “shove your own lungs down your throat”, “I'm going to slowly strangle you with your own intestines then painfully shove your own lungs down your throat and then perform CPR just so I could do it over and over again”, etc.
-So far, I consider this to be the only positive point of the fic. I don't mean mood-wise, I mean interest-wise. Everything else so far has been fairly bland. That's not negative, but I don't think non-negative is something to settle for.

>She opened her wings and angled for the pink spot on the horizon, ignoring the three competing thoughts screaming in her head.
-Pink spot? This is new. What pink spot?

>'She was down and mostly defensless, you could have taken her out for good,' a voice much like her own scolded.
-Much like her own? So not her voice, just one like it?
-Comma splice after “defens[e]less”.
-Defenseless is missing an 'e'.

>She joked with you, you should have tried talking with her more.
-Comma splice.

>'Maybe you can remind her of old times, you don't have to be alone out here,' a youthful voice pleaded.
-Comma splice.
-So Rainbow Dash is schizophrenic now?

>That orchard was cared for, there's a pony alive there, probably sick from radiation.
-Comma splice after “for”.
-Why would a pony dying because of radiation care for an orchard? Or how, for that matter?

>'You coulda searched, coulda found them, coulda helped them.' a disciplined voice berated.
-Comma after the second “them”.
-Consider “searched for them” for... I don't remember the word. Anaphora? Wikipedia says epistrophe. Big words I can't spell. Ah well.

>It was only the last voice she paid any credence, 'You made a promise, you will keep it.'
-Comma splice.
>> No. 81959
-You appear to be missing a preposition in the first half. Replace “credence” with “attention”:
>It was only the last voice she paid any attention.
It sounds like it's missing a “to” or “to which”.

>Dash's rainbow tail would be a shining beacon under the permanently grey skies.
-I thought she could control that. I'm not actually sure.

>'This isn't just a Pinkie balloon that was knocked loose, this is a full on air ship,' she thought as the enormity of the blimp before her became clear.
-With this much “Rainbow Dash thought X”, you may want to consider switching to third person limited.
-Enormity does not mean size. Enormity means crime against humanity or something on that level. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/enormity

>A regular Pinkie balloon was just a platform attached to a big pink balloon with a big pink face on it.
-Piggy face?

>It even had little legs to complete the look.
-Piggy legs?

>She flew from behind the massive tail and saw gold letters emblazoned across the side, "Pinkie's Party Passage".
-Consider using a colon instead of a comma here.
-Consider adding “in” or something before “from”.

>The building on the underside was dark brown with a yellowish roof made to look like cake frosting dribbling down the side; even the windows and balconies added to the cake-y appearance.
-”Even”, “just”, “apparently”, “actually”... (Usually) filler words, the lot of them.
-The way this is phrased makes it sound like the yellowish roof is on the underside of the cake building.
-How do windows and balconies add to a cake-y appearance?
-”Cake-y”. Making a noun an adjective by adding -y to the end in narrative is... Eh. That's really all I can say about that. Eh. ...Oh, wait. I should also say that cakey and caky are words, meaning cake-like.
-I now assume that this building looks like a cake with windows, despite the fact that you never said so. You said the roof looked like cake frosting and that the windows added to a “cake-y appearance”, but you never actually say that it looks like a cake. Kind of like the “more tea” deal between Alice and the Mad Hatter in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

>'I remember her talking about that, but I never got to see it in the oversized canvas flesh,' Rainbow thought as she reached out and lightly touched the back right "hoof".
-Initial reaction: Um. What?
-Secondary reaction: I have no idea what this means. Elaborate? The only reason I can assume “she” refers to Pinkie is because you called it a Pinkie balloon. Likewise, I assume that “hoof” refers to the balloon, but that requires a leap of logic. I have no idea what the balloon looks like. I'm assuming it looks like Team Rocket's Meowth balloon in the Pokemon anime in the way that it's a giant head with tail and tiny appendages sticking out of it.

>Letting out a little sigh, she dipped low and went looking for the main entrance.
-Why the sigh? What's the purpose of touching the hoof?
-Where is the main entrance?

>entrance. Round
-Quadruple space.

>Round the front of the building was a large set of doors, the sign above advertised that any ponies getting on or off should be careful on the gangplank.
-Comma splice.
-That's not an advertisement as much as it is a warning.
-So the front is under the face? It's fairly hard to tell which side is the front of a cake.
-On that note, is the cake round or rectangular? Or domed?

>She couldn't stop herself from smiling before pushing the doors open.
>Stepping into the main lobby, she was greeted with an oppressive silence.
-Well, that was rather dissonant.

> Nothing had walked through these halls in sometime, a layer of dust hung on everything.
-Comma splice.
-Some time, in this case. Two words.

>Despite this, she couldn’t help but feel the cheerful atmosphere the building once held.
-Have you seen the pictures of the amusement park near Chernobyl? It's haunting. http://www.cracked.com/article/181_the-6-creepiest-places-earth_p2/ (Item #1 on the countdown.)

>The chandelier over head was nothing if not a cupcake suspended upside down, complete with muticoloured lights giving the look of sprinkles.
-If not a... What? It seems to me like “nothing if not a” is there just to pad words.
-”Overhead” as an adverb is one word.
-This seems compactible. “The chandelier overhead was a cupcake suspended upside-down, sprinkled with multicoloured lights/bulbs/lightbulbs.” Edit to flavor. Mainly trying to cut “giving the look of” with this.

>The two desks, marked “check in” and “check ya later” respectively, had splatters of colour across their formal surface as though the cupcake overhead had dripped frosting over them.
-Consider cutting the first “The”. It makes it sound like you've already established the existence of the desks, which you haven't.
-”Formal” surface? As opposed to casual surface? I have no idea what that means.
-You use “overhead” twice rather closely together. Consider “above”.
-You can probably lose “respectively”. It doesn't add to your narrative, as the two desks are introduced together.


>Even the floor was stylized like a giant cinnamon bun.
-Even, actually, just, in truth, apparently, etc. All filler words, more often than not.
-”Stylized like a giant cinnamon bun.” So it was brown, soft, warm, sticky, and glazed? Also, I thought UK spelling was “stylised”.

>The whole thing reminded Rainbow Dash she hadn’t eaten in the last day.
-”Thing” is one of the blandest nouns you could use to describe a thing with. Since we know what the thing is, consider “ensemble”, “design”, “room”, “lobby”, some combination thereof, or something else entirely.

>She took another step forward, suddenly blinded by a flash of light coming from the center of the chpandelier.
-This makes it sound like the step was the result of the flash of light, or like the step happened at the same time as the flash. Shouldn't the flash come after the step? Compare:
>Suddenly blinded by a flash of light […], she took another step forward.
or
>The student rolled around on the ground, suddenly blinded by pepper spray.

>Rainbow fell back on her haunches, opening her eyes to a smiling pink pony standing in the middle of the room, the grey stripes in her mane making her look like a candy cane.
-Good god, that's a huge sentence.
-”[O]pening her eyes.” I know that you said “blinded” in the previous sentence, but it somewhat bothers me that you never said that Rainbow Dash said she closed her eyes.
-Dat sentence structure. You have a participle phrase tacked onto another participle phrase.
-Grey and pink candy cane? That's... new to me.

>While every instinct in her body was reminding her that Gilda would be catching up to her soon, and that she had no time to waste, Rainbow Dash sat quietly and watched her friend talk.
-The comma between “soon” and “and” should be removed as it does not separate two independent clauses.
-Every instinct? Like the instinct that tells you where you can find water or which way is north? Might want a different word.

>...the shimmering pony said, the corners of her mouth pulled down.
-Dat sentence structure.

>Everypony is worried about what tomorrow will bring and Equestria keeps changing and it can seem awfully dark and lonely. So me and my team worked real hard to make this ship to show you all that it isn't that bad and to turn those sad frowns upside down.
-These sentences seem awkwardly punctuated.

>Pinkie's face returned to it's naturally smiling state, framing her mouth with her forehooves.
-This makes it sound like her face has forehooves, since “face” is the subject of the sentence.
-”Its.” No apostrophe.
>> No. 81960
>Pinkie's Party Passage, or The P3, was built to show any and all that, though times are hard, the world is still a wonderful place.
-”Any and all” sounds a bit too formal for Pinkie Pie.
-Looking ahead, I see “...at the P3, the hard part...” Since “the” isn't capitalized here, you might want to decapitalize “The” in this sentence.

>”We'll be going to all the best sites and with ponies coming and going all the way, so you're sure to make lots of new friends," the ghostly image stood on her hind legs and waved her forelges in the air.
-...friends.The...
-I'm not sure what the dialogue meant. Did you mean to remove the “and” or the “so” or something else?
-”hind legs” and “forelegs” together sounds kind of repetitive and clunky. Try “rear” as a verb.

>the ghostly image stood on her hind legs and waved her forelges in the air. "So give me a great big grin and get ready to join the party!"
-I'm assuming these two lines are supposed to happen at the same time. If such is the case, it doesn't sound like it. Consider joining with a conjunction or something.

>She dropped back to all fours and took one step forward, looking Rainbow in the eyes.
-Consider “a” over “one.”

>"Just remember, wonderful friends, at the P3, the hard part isn't finding a party, it's knowing when to say goodbye."
-Comma splice.

>Rainbow wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist. It came away damp.
-Single space between sentences.
-This felt... forced.

>She stood back up with shaky legs and...
-Why shaky?

>/// /// ///
-Point of personal preference: I think this looks ugly. Consider using something else. FiMFiction allows for horizontal breaks, right? Though, if you think those are ugly, I can't fault you for that.

>It was only minutes after Rainbow had left the the lobby that another figure stepped into the echoing halls.
-Another figure? Who could that possibly be? Is it Gilda? It's totally Gilda. And you're going to slowly reveal that it's Gilda instead of just saying that it's Gilda, making this buildup completely pointless. Right?

>Gilda silently looked over the trails in the dust leading down one of the long halls to the cabins.
-Guess not.
-Why “silently”? Is there another way to look? Well, I suppose she could trip over something.
-What trails? Dirt trails? Roomba trails? I don't know anything about Fallout: Equestria, but if they have smartphones for watches, they probably have Roombas, or so I would think.

>At least, that's what Rainbow Dash guessed had happened after watching Gilda disappear in the main entrance from just inside the cloud layer.
-This “Oh, it's in her head” thing is pretty jarring, especially considering that you're doing it right after a scene break.
-Consider “into” over “in”.

>"I'm sorry Pinkie, but there's no one left to enjoy your cruise ship," she whispered at the face of the balloon far below.
-Need this be said aloud?

>She left the cloud and began a steep dive aiming right at inflated pink back. 'I bring it down, trapping Gilda inside for a few hours and use the rainboom to launch me to Canterlot, after that I'll be able to hide from her wherever I want, she'll never find me,' she thought as the wind resistance picked up. 'I'll be alone.
-...What? What just happened? This doesn't sound like a paragraph as much as it does a grab bag of vaguely related sentences.

>She left the cloud and began a steep dive aiming right at inflated pink back.
-This sentence sounds like it demands to be elaborated upon.
-”Inflated pink back?”
-Comma after “dive.”
-”Right.” Adding that to the list of usually filler words, right along “just”, “even”, “apparently”, etc.

>I bring it down, trapping Gilda inside for a few hours and use the rainboom to launch me to Canterlot
-That sounds kind of fatal.
-If the balloon can be brought down by one pegasus without tools, wouldn't it have been raided long ago? How is it still up? That seems terrifyingly fragile.
-Does the rainboom launch? Is it a cause of Rainbow Dash's speed, or an effect?
-Why Canterlot?

>...Canterlot, after...
-Comma splice.

>...after that I'll be able to hide from her wherever I want...
-Consider a comma after “that.”
-Hide from her wherever she wants. Like Canterlot? Is that a... I don't know.

>want, she'll
-Splice.

>I'll be alone.
-This seems ridiculously out of place. Even more so if Canterlot is populated.

>"Oh you shit!" Gilda screamed from below as she burst out of the main doors, tearing them from their hinges.
-...What—how? Is Gilda psychic?
-Is this one or two sentences? I can't tell.
-Comma after “Oh.”
-You burst out of a building. You burst through its doors. Unless the doors have volume that you can fit in and is made of paper or something, so you can burst out of them.

>"Was that your lame ass plan?"
-”Lame ass” should be one word or hyphenated. As it is, it sounds like the plan is either lame and involves asses or like it involves asses that are lame.

>"Gilda, get outta the way, I'm not stopping!," Rainbow called back as she got closer to breaking the sound barrier.
-Exclamation mark plus comma at the end of a quote do not mix.
-”As she got closer to breaking the sound barrier.” Very technical. Very flat.
-Gilda burst out the front doors. Does this mean the front doors of the cake building are under the balloon's backside?
-So if Rainbow Dash was aiming for the balloon, how would Gilda be in her way? I would have assumed that Gilda would try to intercept Dash instead of flying straight at her, especially since their two paths are at angles with each other.
-Why wouldn't she stop? Her plan was to drop Gilda in it, right?

>'If I catch her in the blast, she'll still be knocked for enough of a loop for me to get away,' she quickly rethought her plan.
-Because “rethought” has an object, this makes this a comma splice. Let's separate it.
>'If I catch her in the blast, she'll still be knocked for enough of a loop for me to get away.' She quickly rethought her plan.
-Now it sounds awkward because of wording. Switching it around, we get
>She quickly rethought her plan. 'If I catch her in the blast, she'll still be knocked for enough of a loop for me to get away.'
-Now that it sounds better (to me), let's go over the actual content. What blast? The blast you get when you make a hole in a balloon? If it's full of hydrogen, it doesn't explode; it just burns and crashes.
-But assuming that there is a blast, it would be very hot and fiery. The Hindenburg disaster had crew members jumping out at fatal drop distances because they couldn't stand the heat.
-If the blast is just wind, then... Well, my suspension of disbelief is kind of spent, then.

>'But if I hit her straight on-,' she didn't finish the thought.
-That dash and comma do not mix.
-Likewise, comma splice. Consider “ '...on—' She didn't...”
-Given their angle, hitting her straight on isn't likely.
-This “She didn't finish the thought” line feels cliché when used out of dialogue. And sometimes also in dialogue.

>(That paragraph)
-felt very weak.

>"You wanna play chicken with a griffon, chump?" Gilda bellowed, bringing her talons to bare.
-Let's look at the insults she's used for Dash: Bitch. Shit. Dweeb. Chump. Bit of a mixed bag in terms of harshness.
-”Bringing her talons to bare.” Sounds a bit wordy. Consider “baring her talons.”
-What's special about playing chicken with a griffon?
>> No. 81962
>Rainbow searched the griffon's face for any hint of fear or friendly recognition.
-LUS.
-Why would she look for friendly recognition in she-who-has-clearly-showed-intent-to-kill-her?

>She found only grim determination.
-This seems easily mergable with the sentence above.

>'It's now or never,' she thought desperately as the air went elastic around her.
-Adverbs usually tell, not show. Also, how does one think desperately?
-”Went elastic”? What does... Assuming you mean the mach cone thing that Rainbow Dash gets surrounded by when she performs a Sonic Rainboom, I'm certain you can find a better phrase for this. “Went” as a verb when not meaning “traveling from place A to place B” or preceded by a person/sentient being feels tawdry to me.

>"NOW!" Gilda roared loudly beating her wings harder than Dash had ever seen her.
-All caps for shouting when used not to distinguish it from other shouting makes me sadface.
-”Roared loudly” seems redundant.
-Comma after “loudly.” Or, should you choose to remove it, after “roared.” Or did you mean that she is beating her wings loudly? In that case, comma after “roared” as well.
-If she is her wings loudly, then consider “roared, beating her wings loudly and harder than Dash...”

>In an instant, there were claws at her throat, both of them thrown back into sky.
-Both what? Gilda's claws?
-Thrown back into the sky? I'm afraid you've lost me. This sounds like part of a bad interpretive dance routine.

>Gilda hammered into the pegasus's stomach with her free hand.
-I thought Gilda was a little more eviscerate-y than that.
-LUS.
-Free hand? Why is only one of them free? The way I read it, it would be either neither (around RD's neck) or both (interpretive dance, waving her hands in the air).
-”Hand”? Did you mean claw? Or maybe you call them hands. But I'm pretty sure you said “claw” earlier.

>She delivered another heavy blow to the pony’s stomach.
-LUS.

>“After seeing you do that tired trick a few more times..."
-Dat open quotation mark. It doesn't match your others.

>She delivered a blow right between the pegasus's magenta eyes and released her throat, letting her fall.
-LUS.
-Is “magenta” necessary?

>This is your last chance! No more games!
-Single space

>You're gonna fight me and you're gonna do it right!
-Comma after “me”.

>Rainbow's vision went from double to just blurry as she tried to shake off the beating.
-Wouldn't it go from blurry to double as the eyes refocus?

>'Gotta regroup,' she thought and flipped over in the air, bringing her wings out.
-There's so many “Rainbow Dash thought X” lines in here that third person omniscient doesn't seem to fit your narrative too well.

>"Great, so now the trap is the plan," she chided at herself as she blew past the lobby and down the hall.
-This is the second time you used “chided.”
-Consider removing “at” or “at herself”. You don't “reproach at someone”, you “reproach someone.”

>She ducked into a room marked "Dance Hall" noticing the heavy doors and rapidly trying to jam ideas together into something resembling a plan.
-Comma between “Hall” and “noticing.”
-Doesn't “the trap is the plan” from the previous sentence imply that she has a plan?

>The vast hall was completely empty, but gave a strange haunted feel with the walls being painted to show the silhouettes of different types of ponies performing various dance moves.
-Comma is removable here.
-”Being” as a verb is one of those words that I think are almost always better off removed or replaced with some other verb. Compare “...feel with the walls painted to show...” or “..feel with the walls showing...” or “but a strange haunted feel emanated from the paintings of dancing ponies on the wall” or something of the sort.
-I said “dancing ponies” above because I think it's less unwieldy than “different types of ponies performing various dance moves” but means pretty much the same thing. If that isn't descriptive enough, try “various paintings/murals of dancing ponies' silhouettes” something. I'm trying to condense “different types of ponies” and “performing various dance moves” here.

>Off in the corner of the brightly tiled hall, on a raised bit of floor was a pile of instruments and next to the main doors was a bin full of canes and umbrellas, leftovers from the guests and entertainment.
-You might want to introduce the fact that the hall is tiled brightly as soon as possible. That is to say, introduce descriptions about the hall as soon as you introduce the hall.
-No comma after “hall”; comma after “instruments.”
-What guests? What entertainment? I suppose being able to introduce information like this comes with having a third person omniscient narrator, but if this isn't addressed later, I will be wondering what you meant. And if it is addressed later, I will be wondering why you didn't say so earlier.
-After the megabombs exploded, they still had canes and umbrellas?

>She decided on the least stupid thing she could think of, grabbed as many canes as she could fit in her mouth, and stepped behind the door.
-Dat word ”thing.”

>Mere seconds later, Gilda blew into the hall.
-It's the use of both opinion lines like “mere” and fact lines like “leftovers from the guests and entertainment” that make me feel that your perspective is in a bit of a mess.

>"That includes hide and seek!" She slammed a discarded cello into the piano, destroying both.
-Single space.
-What piano? Consider “a” instead of “the”, or consider establishing the existence of the piano before this.

>Taking the opportunity, the pegasus slipped around the door and back into the hallway.
-...What opportunity? The opportunity of Gilda being blinded by rage or something? Where was this rage when she had RD by the throat?

>"What are you, five?" Gilda called through the door as she continued pounding at it.
-That'd be one smart five year old.
-Seems like a weak insult.

>Rainbow didn't have long.
-Consider making this the first sentence of the next paragraph.

>As she turned down the hall marked "Cabins" she was struck by a horrible odor.
-Consider a comma after “Cabins.”
-What odor? Show, don't tell.

>The carpets beneath her were covered in designs to look as though covered in confetti and the walls had streamers painted across them, the colourfulness mixed with horror of what she saw before her felt like some pervese joke.
-”Perverse”, I'm assuming you meant.
-”To look as though” feels so wordy, and you use “covered” twice. Consider something like “covered in confetti-like designs” or “covered in designs like confetti” or even “carpets beneath her were patterned with confetti” or something.

>Rancid bodies lay neatly on the beds made to look like slices of pie with whipped cream pillows, empty medicine bottles and needles on the floor finished the story.
-Comma splice. I suggest replacing the comma with a period and capitalizing “empty.”
-”Made to look” sounds like “to look as though” in the way that it seems wordy. Consider “pie slice beds” or something to complement “whipped cream pillows.”
-This “finished the story” phrase like feels like you're trying to say, “HEY, READER, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED HERE!” With the all caps. Consider just “Empty medicine bottles and needles were scattered across the floor” or something. Show; don't tell.

> 'You saw the world end from the comfort of your flying hotel,' she tried to stop herself from thinking.
-The main verb of your sentence here is “tried.” It should be “thinking” or some tense variation thereof, since you have a thought there.
-Not to mention that “she tried to stop herself from thinking” sounds awkward.
>> No. 81963
>'You didn't get caught in any of the blasts and you were protected from the worst of the radiation, but the ship's computer kept going, showing the sites of the apocalypse. You didn't want to see any more.'
-How did the flying hotel survive this if it could be brought down by one pegasus?
-”We're safe from the apocalypse! But because we have to look at the result, let's kill ourselves.” This baffles me.

>The next room had two ponies with a small body peeking between them.
-A survivor?

>'I don't blame you.'
-The turrets from Portal come to mind.

>(That paragraph)
-After the part with all the puns, I consider this to be the second high point in the story. Not by importance or quality, but by how much I liked it. It was very serene. ...Considering how Rainbow Dash is running for her life, that might be a bad thing.

>Rainbow's heart stopped.
-This feels like it should be its own paragraph. Maybe.

>...with our cloud walking spell specialist.
-Consider a hyphen for “cloud walking.”

>Rainbow Dash fought a panic building in her.
-Panic is what happens when you realize you'll be killed on sight upon entering a city, not when you realize the aforementioned city is a complete and deserted wreck.

>She had seen Cloudsdale after it had been hit, once, from miles and miles away. [...] She couldn't stand to see it up close. She was torn between a desire to flee out the nearest window and to hide in a closet until they had passed to their next stop on the ghoulish tour.
-She had... She couldn't... She was...

>Her thoughts stopped at the next room.
-But her body kept moving by.

>room. It
-Single space.

>It wasn't that this room was filled with nearly a dozen decaying ponies, it was one body in particular that gave her pause; a unicorn wearing a fancy ensemble which she recognized.
-Consider “it was that” to complement “it wasn't that.”
-Oh, wait. I see. Yeah. Comma splice between “ponies” and “it.” No, I don't count this as narrative license because of the minute difference in structure. So in that case, consider one of the following or something similar:
>It wasn't that this room was filled with nearly a dozen decaying ponies, it was that one body in particular: a unicorn wearing a fancy ensemble which she recognized.
>It wasn't that this room was filled with nearly a dozen decaying ponies. It was that one body in particular that gave her pause: a unicorn wearing a fancy ensemble which she recognized.
>The room was filled with nearly a dozen decaying ponies, but it was one body in particular that gave her pause: a unicorn wearing a fancy ensemble which she recognized.
-Consider removing “gave her pause.” This is what I see, including the previous sentence: “The next room gave her pause. It wasn't (stuff), it was (other stuff) that gave her pause.” This will require more restructuring.
-Consider “that” over “which.”

>The colour was all wrong, but the dress and ridiculously over-sized hat were Rarity originals.
-If the colors were wrong, are they still Rarity originals? I assume the “colour” you mention is of the dress and hat.
-Consider “colours were” instead of “colour was.”

>Rainbow Dash herself had served as a model for the dress as a favor for the fashionista during its design.
-Favour?

>She thought of the uncomfortable hours standing as still she could as the the unicorn had circled her.
-LUS.
-”the the”

>...the dozens upon dozen of pins jammed in, each one pricked her at least once.
-Consider “pricking” over “pricked.” As is, it's a comma splice.

>She would give anything to be back in that shop facing that slow torture.
-Now that the tangent flashback is over, you're going to transition back into the present, right?

>The sound of the distant ballroom door shattering let her know she had run out of time.
-...That works. Huh. This is getting better.

>Only one plan had come together in her mind since leaving the griffon to tear apart the ballroom.
-LUS.

>It was not a good plan.
-Right. I like this. I suggest changing this entire chapter into third person limited from Dash's perspective, as you appear to have employed right after I said your perspective changes were dizzying.

>(That paragraph)
-had very little variation in sentence structure. Seems kind of stilted.

>She climbed onto the pile of bodies.
-Why not fly? Or is she climbing into the pile of bodies?

>/// /// ///
-You have two empty lines between this and your previous paragraph here, but above, you only have one between the end of the first scene and the scene break. Consider adding one more empty line up there.

>The sounds of claws softly clicking on the tile floor was deafening as it got closer.
-I... uhhh...
>The sounds of claws softly clicking on the tile floor was deafening as it got closer.
Yeah.
-”Deafening” seems like too much. Gilda would have to be smashing her claws against the floor to make it that loud, and that would probably result in nontrivial injuries.

>The progress would stop each time she came to a door, if open, the pause would be a few seconds long and then resume.
-Ah, and you were doing so well.
-”The progress”? What progress? Her progress? In that case, why not just “She stopped each time”?
-Either the comma before “if” is a comma splice and “if open” modifies door or the comma there shouldn't be there
-Consider “...came to a door. If it was open, she paused for a few...” over ”...came to a […] would be a few...”
-Unless the pause was in the clicking. If so, say so.

>If the door was closed, a splintering crack sounded before the trek down the hall.
-I had to read this five times before getting what you meant.

>The pegasus held her breath as the sound of claws came to the doorway.
-LUS.
-”Sound”? Consider a more descriptive word. “Clicking” worked before; I don't see why it wouldn't work now.

>"This is just pathetic Dash," Gilda said with a sigh.
-Consider a comma after “pathetic.”
-Consider “Gilda sighed” or “sighed Gilda” over “Gilda said with a sigh.”

>"Get up, if you make me dig you out of there, I'm gonna make you regret it."
-She's going to kill her anyways. This is what I don't get—why is she making schoolyard bully threats when she's a hired mercenary/assassin who can kill without weapons?
-Comma splice after “up.”

>Stop fucking cowering, I see you hiding there.
-Comma splice.

>Gilda stepped in the room, her wings famed in the door way.
-When I googled “door way” with quotation marks, it still decided to return results for “doorway.” Consider “doorway.”
-Wiktionary does not list “famed” as a word related to anything besides “famous”, and I don't quite think that's what you're going for.
>> No. 81964
>"Okay, you wanna do this hard way? I'll drag you out and throw what's left back in there before I burn this stinking mausoleum to the ground."
-Isn't the building in the air? Can one burn something afloat to the ground? “I burned the airplane to the ground.” Hmm.
-Gilda's temper seems to fluctuate quite wildly. I would expect her to be vomiting fire or something by now.

>Gilda grabbed the armoured shoulder peeking from the pile of rotting ponies. She froze when the moldy coat with patches of putrid flesh raised into view.
-Zombie? Or is Gilda lifting it up? It looks like zombie. Also, “raised into view” sounds rather awkward.

>ceiling. Gilda
-Single space.

>Gilda had only started turning her head up before the light went out on her.
-Rainbow Dash killed the lights? ...What lights? Fluorescent lights? A lamp? I say that if you use part of the scenery after the start of the scene, you have to introduce it at the start of the scene.

>The over-sized hat went snug and tight over the griffon's head.
-So no light? Or did RD turn the lights off and bag Gilda's head with the hat afterward? It sounds like the former, but it sounds like it could easily be the latter, as it sounds like you left out information here.
-LUS

>The fancy dress wound round the griffon’s forearms and wings, then the jacket belonging to one of the stallions, then another dress.
-LUS.
-”Round”? Consider “around.”
-The way this is structured makes it sound like... Well, let me rewrite it.
>The fancy dress wound round the griffon’s forearms and wings, then round the jacket belonging to one of the stallions, then round another dress.

>In seconds the griffon was on the floor, her tail lashing the air and her upper body bound tight to her body in very expensive fabric.
-Expensive tells instead of shows. The difference between a shoddy rag and an avant-garde dress is a designer label.

>Rainbow Dash landed gently and touched a hoof her chin while the griffon flopped on the room's floor.
-LUS.

>"Fabulous."
-Can't imagine RD saying this, even in jest.

>The pony gave the room a glance over.
-LUS.

>Deciding that the candy cane lamp on the nightstand was the heaviest thing in sight, she grabbed it up in her mouth and turned to the writhing, swearing griffon.
-LUS.
-Need you say “in her mouth”?

>'Nap time, G,' Dash thought to her as she craned her neck back.
-Dash thought to her? So Gilda is psychic! ...What? No? Well, in that case, consider removing “to her”. Or have Dash say it aloud.
-Craned her neck back? If you meant for RD to pull the lamp back for more force, then you might want to say that instead of implying it.

>Gilda's right paw struck the cyan pegasus's chest hard enough to send her stumbling back.
-LUS in its purest form. Fact: Before Lavender Unicorn Syndrome became commonly used, we reviewers used to call it “how people kept using 'cyan pegasus' instead of 'Rainbow Dash'.”
-Her foot?
-Why not “kick”?

>Three ragged and deep claw marks on her chest greeted her when she looked down, the blood seeping down her coat as the lamp fell from her mouth.
-Gilda didn't punch her? This sounds to me like it would have impaled her if it had enough force to knock her back, unless her claws were as dull as traffic cones. -http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101230060252/mlp/images/archive/4/49/20110428113022!Gilroar.png I don't see claws.
-Dat structure.
-Consider “ragged, deep”
-”Greet” seems like too active a word for your situation.

>"Oh hey, I think I hit something," Gilda sneered, a pleased smile crept along her mouth.
-Comma splice after “sneered.”
-Is the hat off her head?

>She rolled onto her back paws and stood up.
-”Back paws” sounds rather unwieldy.

>"Gimme a sec, Dash. I'll be right with you."
-This sounds more like insane sociopathic joy than rage, which I was expecting.

>Her neck snaked forward bringing her sharp beak to her cloth binding; in one snap, she was half free.
-”half free?” What does this mean?

>"Oh shit."
-I'm just going to assume RD swears in Fo:E.

>Rainbow was on her hooves and running down the hall.
-Lack of a transition makes me think that you missed a scene break or left out a scene where RD recovers from the kick.

>She took to the air and flew down the first staircase she saw, barely noticing that the sign said she was flying towards the dining hall.
-”barely... hall” sounds very much condensible.

>She heard another snap, she flew faster.
-Splice.

>She came out of the enclosed spiraling stairwell to find her self surrounded by bolted down tables cover in plates and cutlery, all the room encircled with half wall windows.
-Dat structure.
-”Herself.” One word.
-”Covered.” Past tense.
-You may want to say that it's a “enclosed spiraling stairwell” when you call it “first staircase she saw”.
-Dat sentence structure.
-”She did X. She did X, she did X. She did X.” Rather repetitive.
-Half what now? What are those? What do they look like? Well, at least the description here is better than the first two-thirds.

>The tables all had that friendly pink face on it, each pulling a different silly expression.
-Creeeeepy.

>A stretched out hat dropped through the stair well as Dash flew to the far wall.
-All these sentences start with (subject) (verb) (object). Very stilted.

>Through the windows, she saw vehicles, billboards, furniture, and countless bodies dotting the landscape; they were directly over where Cloudsdale had been ruptured by the Megaspell.
-Consider:
>Through the windows, she saw vehicles, billboards, furniture, and countless bodies dotting the landscape; they were directly over where Cloudsdale had been ruptured by the Megaspell.

>She turned back to see talons grip either side of the stairwell before Gilda's face emerge from the shadows.
-...face emerged from...

>"No place like home, right?" Gilda said climbing slowly out of the starewell.
-...the stairwell.
>> No. 81965
>"Thanks for the outfits, Dash, but you have lousy taste in fashion."
-“You have lousy taste in fashion."--doesn't sound like Gilda to me. This sounds cold. Compare:
>"Oh you shit!" Gilda screamed from below as she burst out of the main doors, tearing them from their hinges. She flew straight at Rainbow Dash. "Trap me in a big popped balloon? Was that your lame ass plan?" she roared.
So Gilda is psychic and has mood swings.

>Rainbow jumped to the nearest table, kicking a metal serving tray for all her worth.
-”for all her worth.” I'd tell you to show instead of tell, but I have no idea what this means. With all her might? As if her life depended on it, because it did? (Don't use those lines.)

>Gilda pounced right, but not before it gouged her shoulder.
-”Pounce” implies a target to be pounced upon. It is offensive, not defensive.
-gouge - verb. (transitive) To make a mark or hole by scooping. (emphasis added) You may want another verb.
-If you can slice someone with a metal serving tray, that tray probably isn't OSHA compliant.

>The pegasus pony kept kicking and throwing anything she could reach, most of it embedding into the wooden tables the griffon dived behind.
-Might want to introduce the fact that the Pinkie tables are wood when you introduce the tables.
-LUS.
-Might want to make Gilda the subject of a sentence where she actively dives behind tables instead of giving her part of a modifier.

>When a spoon struck her between the eyes hard enough to make her eyes water, she let out a ear splitting roar.
-Dry sentence. Does not flow well with the other sentences in the paragraph or with itself.

>"No more weak kiddie games," she growled digging her talons in the underside of a table with Pinkie scrunching her face as if holding back a laugh.
-Consider a comma after “growled.”
-Consider “into” over “in.”
-The “no more games” line really only works if you use it once or twice. This is the third.

>With a grunt, she wrenched the table top free of its stand, whipping around and lobbing the table straight at the pegaus's neck like a discus.


>Rainbow flattened to the floor, ears plastered to her skull, as the flung table whirled overhead and crashed through the far window.
-Sprawled? Ducked?
-Comma removable.

>She raised her head in time to see Gilda flying at her face.
-Fairly repetitive sentence structure.

>Talons snagged her mane, dragged her onto her back, and flung her against the half wall beneath the smashed window moments later.
-Talons is the subject of the sentence here. Consider replacing with “Gilda.”
-What's a half wall? I get what you mean, but I don't like the phrase. Consider just “wall.”
-Oh, so the half of the wall that the window occupies is the top half. That probably should have been said earlier.
-Is “moments later” really necessary?

>Her vision focused in on a pouncing griffon, talons aimed at her face.
-LUS.
-”in on”?
-Dat structure. Consider “Her vision refocused on Gilda aiming talons at her face.” or something.

>With no time to dodge, the old pony opened her mouth and chomped down on the eagle-like hand.
-Oh, right. They're old. I completely forgot about that because they don't act old. I mean, could you imagine the mayor taking a clawed kick to the stomach?
-”eagle-like hand.” LUS. Yes, it applies to other things besides ponies and griffons.
-That sounds about as advisable and believable as catching a rapier thrust with your teeth.

>Gilda shrieked at the pain as her hand poured blood.
-Do you shriek at pain or in pain?
-Poured blood? Ponies don't have fangs.

>She brought her free hand in to stab Dash in her chest.
-With what, a knife? Her talons?

>The pony slapped the blow sideways with a foreleg and pinned the arm flat against her side by bringing her elbow down.
-LUS.
-Is “with a foreleg” necessary? What else is she going to slap it with? Her tail? ...Well, that's conceivable, but I think “with a foreleg” is implied by “slap.”
-Whose arm?
-”Pinned?” If RD's pushing Gilda's arm against her (RD's) side, that seems like less “pinning” and more “locking” or something. I dunno. I pussied out (wordfilter, you can imagine what I meant) of martial arts club after about a week. But, uh, from my very brief time there, I think I can say with some degree of certainty that knocking an incoming punch away and then trying to lock that arm is counter-productive.
-On that note, I have no idea what “by bringing her elbow down” does for disabling the arm, regardless of whether or not you actually meant where a real pony's elbow would be: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equine_anatomy

>With both her hands pinned to keep her from using her talons, Gilda lifted the pony and slammed her back against the windowsill.
-LUS.

>Rainbow kicked at the griffon's stomach and though she grunted with each blow, she kept pushing with her hand clamped in the pony's mouth.
-Comma after “stomach.”
-LUS x2.
-Unclear antecedents. Rainbow Dash could be grunting because she's kicking, or Gilda because she's getting kicked.

>From the the corner of her eye, Rainbow saw her destination, a large sliver of glass; Gilda was going to impale her.
-Where is the sliver of glass? If it's directly behind RD, how did she see it and how did “Gilda lifted the pony and slammed her back against the windowsill” not already stab her? If it's not directly behind her, I can't tell what you meant, as Gilda can't pick it up.

>For seconds that lasted forever...
-What.

>...Rainbow's head was forced closer to the lethal shard.
-LUS on “lethal shard.”

>Her eyes darted from the approaching glass blade to Gilda's face.
-”Darted from... to” or “darted between... and”?
-You say the glass blade is approaching. You do not say RD is moving backwards, even though Gilda is pushing against her. Thus, I must conclude that RD is holding her ground and Gilda is slowly pushing the glass towards RD with telekinesis.

>The griffon's features were calm, as though what she were doing was the most natural thing in the world.
-LUS.
-(Something about Gilda's flip-flop personality goes here.)

>Rainbow saw herself reflected in Gilda’s eyes, her mouth covered in her former friend's blood as she gnashed her teeth.
-Dat structure. Since “her mouth” is closely related to “Rainbow,” I'm not objecting there, but damn, that's a long modifier.
-This seems so very passive for a supposed action scene. And not in an eye of the storm way. In a 9 AM History 101 lecture way.

>Far below, the table crashed loudly to the ground.
-Far below? Are they not on the floor? If you meant on dirt-ground, then...
-...how could the crash be loud? If something takes that long to hit the ground, they have to be pretty far up. Also, air resistance would make the table not move as fast as the balloon hotel.

>She barely noticed it over the sound of their own struggling.
-”She” and “their own” do not mix well. Consider cutting “own.”

>The only sound for miles, until other sounds began to join in.
-Fragment, poorly used. Consider merging with the previous sentence. I would assume you mean the table crashing.

>The air became full of the distant noise, something between a gargle, a roar, and a hiss.
-This implies the table made “something between a gargle, a roar, and a hiss” when it crashed.

>Both pony and griffon paused as it became more intense, looking down at the landscape below.
-LUS.

>The bodies were rising from the grave of Cloudsdale.
-What bodies?

>They took to the air in packs of dozens and flew straight for the blimp. They were screaming.
-Mutant vulture-imp hybrids?!

>Gilda and Rainbow Dash released each other with mirrored looks of horror.
-Consider merging this with the next paragraph.
-A bit on the tell-y side. Needs more show, I think.
>> No. 81966
>"What the fuck-" they asked in sync, interrupted as rotting pegasi smashed in from all directions.
-This (—) is an em dash. You use it to show dialogue or ideas being cut off.
-Consider “together” over “in sync.”

>They gnashed their teeth and snapped at the air as they hungrily descended.
-Oh, look. There were zombies after all.


Overall:
-So let's go over what's happened so far in ten points.
1. Gilda and RD do their cheer as RD's last request to Gilda before Gilda kills her.
2. They fight.
3. RD runs away into an orchard, Gilda chases her.
4. RD gets Gilda stuck and runs away.
5. RD finds Pinkie's balloon and tricks Gilda into going inside.
6. RD fails her plan to get Gilda inside the balloon and popping it.
7. RD runs away down a hall, resulting in the incident with the dress and hat.
8. RD is chased into the ballroom by Gilda.
9. They fight again.
10. Zombies!

We have five real settings here: the mountain, the orchard, outside the hotel, hotel hall and lobby, and the room with the tables. The story picks up in both action and quality after the first two settings, even though they make for about half the chapter. But here's the thing about the other three settings—they're pretty much the same place. If we consider them so, then the amount of action in each scene is disproportionate. I'm not saying the third setting has too much happening in it; I'm saying the first two have too little. It's like you went, “I ran out of things for them to do here and can't think of any more. I'm playing the Scene Change card!” instead of “They ran out of things to do here and/or are moving away because the story demands it. I'm playing the Scene Change card.” So yeah, the transitions between the first and second scenes and second and third scenes are virtually if not actually nonexistent, and it makes your story seem poorly paced.

-Your writing is, for lack of a better word, flat. Emotionless. Monotone. There's no voice. Rainbow Dash did this. She thought that. You're probably going to need better transitions between sentences and varied structure. And more interesting word choice. For example:
>Fortune smiled on Rainbow Dash. Below, she spotted a large orchard of trees next to a ranch house. She hoped a plan would present itself when she got there. ‘At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here. Maybe.’ She aimed for the outer-most edge of the grove, and began to spiral inwards towards the center and, hopefully, a plan.
She did this. She thought that. Very stilted. Very drab.

-Speaking of structure, sentences like
> In seconds the griffon was on the floor, her tail lashing the air and her upper body bound tight to her body in very expensive fabric.
>Three ragged and deep claw marks on her chest greeted her when she looked down, the blood seeping down her coat as the lamp fell from her mouth.
>Gilda flared her wings, a wide grin on her face.
make me stumble when reading.

-The description seems lacking. I have to assume a lot of things about what things look like.
For example, let's go over the orchard scene. Normal text is what you have. Bolded text is what I added or changed.

>Fortune smiled on Rainbow Dash. Below, she spotted a large orchard of trees next to a ranch house. She hoped a plan would present itself when she got there. ‘At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here. Maybe.’ She aimed for the outer-most edge of the grove, and began to spiral inwards towards the center and, hopefully, a plan.
>Leaves slapped her face as she flew, dodging the thicker branches and weaving in between the trees. Behind her, the sound of branches being snapped let her know that Gilda was behind her. Close behind her. The pony bit her lip and started looking for her brilliant plan to get out of the situation alive.

What scenery information did we get from this?
-Large orchard next to a ranch house. (Explicit)
-Trees aren't dead. (Implicit)
-There are leaves on the branches. (Explicit)

Now what information didn't we get from this?
-The trees were maple trees. You introduced this important fact only when the fact was important. Also, you introduced this fact after I thought that they were apple trees. It's an orchard. What was I supposed to think? I didn't know, so I made an assumption. I shouldn't have to make assumptions on things that matter.

On that note, implicit descriptions aren't really descriptions. Having a character say “That house is big” is rather different from saying it in narrative, I'd say.

-Thoughts go either in italics or single quotes, not both. If this excerpt from One Day by David Nicholls I looked at is anything to go by, UK English seems to favor using neither.
Good quote formatting:
>‘At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here. Maybe.’
>At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here. Maybe.
Bad formatting:
>‘At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here. Maybe.

-Double spacing is widely accepted to be incorrect, as we've moved out of the age of typewriters and monospaced fonts. Serifed fonts and double spacing do not blend well. Odds are, you're too used to spacing twice after a period to change now, but food for thought. (Really, though—you've probably noticed how many times you used only one space after a period that I've pointed out in the stream of consciousness. Those were just the ones I found, and I wasn't even looking for them.)

-Your Rainbow Dash doesn't particularly feel like Rainbow Dash. I don't remember why I wrote this when going through the fic, but it probably had something to do with RD's actions in the first half or her sentimentality in the second. Also, she runs away a lot.

-Your Gilda seems all over the place. She goes from “I'm not going to kill you so you can fight me” to “you're fucking dead” and back. She just came out of a bad breakup, didn't she?

-How old are they? They don't seem particularly old to me. I mean really, with the kicks, punches, flying, tree-slingshotting, and whatnot, I would have expected one of them to have busted a hip by now.

-Comma splices. Lots of 'em. Most of them are in dialogue, but even then I'm not a fan of them.

-You switch between just “Rainbow” and just “Dash” quite often. I can't think of anything that calls her just “Dash” outside of fanfiction, and switching between the two feels like if Harry Potter switched between “Harry and “Potter.” Sort of.

-LUS. So much LUS. Allow me to copy and paste something another reviewer wrote:
>Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.
—Vanner, “Vanner's Cluebat for Better Writing”
LUS distances the character from the reader and generally hampers narrative flow. There are reviewers who disagree with this, but I am not one of them.
>> No. 81967
-There's so many “Rainbow Dash thought X” lines in here that third person omniscient doesn't seem to fit your narrative too well. And even then, you use words that make it seem like it's from Dash's perspective. It's somewhat dizzying. This gets better after Rainbow Dash bars the door with canes, but it's dizzying nonetheless. For example:
>...Gilda was behind her. Close behind her. The pony bit her lip...
The first two sentences put the reader in RD's head. The LUS in the third distances her from the reader.

-Speaker placement. Compare:
>"Trap me in a big popped balloon? Was that your lame ass plan?" she roared.
to
>"Trap me in a big popped balloon?" she roared. "Was that your lame-ass plan?"
Consider putting your speakers at the first sensible break. It's weird wondering who's talking until the line ends, and you do this quite often.


Closing thoughts:
When I like a fic I'm reviewing, I often withhold comments until I've spent my attention span so I can actually read instead of blather on about a misplaced comma, making me forget where I was and what happened. You can identify where such places happen when I have less comments per sentence in a part than in other parts. This didn't happen very often here. It did happen in the tabled room, though. My opinion on the second half is considerably higher than my opinion on the first half. I'd say that I had to push through the first half to get to the better second half, but a boring first part is damning to readers, in my opinion.

I'd say that this is Star-4 or Star-5 by Equestria Daily reader standards. I give it two and a half—slightly above the same rating I give stories that I consider “not bad, but nothing special.” In other words, I give it slightly higher than a meh. Is it entertaining? Somewhat. But the blandness of the beginning of the chapter made me want to stop reading on many occasions. That's in part why this review took so long.

Though, please keep in mind that I've been doing this on and off over the course of three weeks. Though this review might be long, it certainly isn't deep. I most likely will have contradicted myself, and may have forgotten how things were when I left off.

Also, I have no idea how well this meshes with Fallout: Equestria proper.

I hope this helped.


First post in this review: >>81953
>> No. 81978
>>81967
Filler? This is why we love you, you hairy lummox. <3
>> No. 81980
I claim these 3!

>>77897
>>78189
>>78626

I'll get the first started some time this afternoon after I do some of my own business.
>> No. 81992
Tags: [Dark][Tragedy]

Synopsis: While searching for Winona in the Everfree Forest, Twilight and Fluttershy come across an old ruin of unknown origin. Perplexed at the unique markings within the ruin, Twilight makes it a mission to discover the identities of the ancient symbols. Meanwhile a mysterious stallion appears in Ponyville as a darkness begins to turn the otherwise peaceful residents into a chaotic rabble. Can Twilight and company unravel the secrets of the runes before all of Equestria descends into eternal darkness and chaos?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4024/Dark-Reality

Chapters: 1-4

Comments:
This is kind of my first fanfic... I had some help editing the story after it was complete, and I was suggested to present it to Equestria Daily. I was skeptical that I would have made it through, and I was right that it wouldn't. But I was surprised to how close I made it... Nearly all of the issues were grammatical:

1) Repetition! In your first paragraph, you start three sentences with 'The'. Mix it up a little
2) Grammatical errors.
3) Some odd sentence structure. Missing words, perhaps?
4) There's a little bit of telling.
5) Word choice issues.

And then I was directed here. So here I stand, bowed down on my knee pleading for help from the great editors of Ponychan.

I would also like to thank any in advance who is
willing to help me get this going.

Note: The first paragraph no longer exists after I
fixed the first sentence, which was a major tell.
>> No. 81999
File 132846675737.png - (72.51KB , 670x1191 , the_shadowbolts_by_dotrook-d3ibodh.png )
81999
Shadowbolt picture because Shadowbolts are best ponies.

Ponyville Anthology:
I'm going to skip the main stuff. Your story is technically sound, it's just emotionless. A lot of the story feels like 'First this, then that, then the ladder broke. Use description, and don't just tell us what happens. We need feel what happens.

Second, a lot of the humor isn't that witty. Physical humor can be funny on screen, but in writing it kind of falls flat. You have a lot of random physical humor, and there's no build up. As I'm very bad at comedy, I can't really tell you how to fix this, but I'd recommend a little more build up to your jokes.

Third, it's just short, and too much happens. This should be fixed if you follow suggestions one and two.

Here's my prescription: Take a look at how published books/authors describe events, and add more description to your story. If you do that, you'd easily be able to break 3k words with what you have.

A Fast Fliers Fillyhood

First off: A Fast Flier's Fillyhood
Style: I'm against your overuse of all-caps. It's up to you, but from what I've read and seen, it's distrcting and doesn't add emotion. Aside from that, emphasis is usually used with italics, and not caps.
The gigantic rainbow-colored boom is a little overbearing. I recommend toning it down a lot.
You have a habit of using redundant adjectives. If you describe something, describe it once, not two or three times in a sentence.
For example: Her father stopped playing his piano to gaze at the upset filly through gentle brown eyes the color of melted chocolate.

Story:
It's too fragmented for my taste. The constant flashbacks, flash forwards, and memories of past events make this a time-travel soup. I'd recommend having at most two breaks from the race for memories. As it stands, it's really hard to follow.
As a hook, the chapter is okay. If you make the changes above it'll be much easier to comprehend.

Keep writing, both of you.
>> No. 82003
>>80253
Oldest one that's not exceedingly long or has tags I refuse to read.

Expect a post tomorrow.
>> No. 82005
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82005
>>81823
Claiming this one.
In the mood for something short.
I'll sit down some time this afternoon and get to it.
I'll try and be brutal but fair.
>> No. 82007
File 132846802425.jpg - (6.76KB , 265x190 , fluttershy.jpg )
82007
>>82005
uhm... this one already has been claimed by Dromer.
>> No. 82008
>>82007
I don't mind a second person taking it, if they want to. My review was a little short for my tastes.
>> No. 82009
File 132846878660.png - (139.73KB , 950x1020 , Come in and take a seat.png )
82009
>>82008
ah okay then disregard my last post.
>> No. 82010
File 132846908612.png - (382.29KB , 736x750 , 86342 - Ditzy_Doo artist artistic-derp derpy_hooves mail.png )
82010
>>82007
Crap, sorry.

>>82008
There's enough fics to go around. Sorry.

> Woops, just noticed the queue. Derp.

Alright, I'll claim...
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/76709.html#78675

> Sorry for the kerfuffle.
>> No. 82011
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82011
SpaceKing, thank you for being so patient with me, I really appreciate it. Funny how life can just blindside you. Anywhoo, seeing as Filler has delivered with a review of impressive size and scope, I can only hope that mine will be just as worth the wait.

Expect it soon, I'm currently on sweep number two through your fic.

Have a good day and keep on reviewing and writing, everyone.
>> No. 82019
>>81903
Aw, crap, that's the danger of making up words. I'm really, really sorry for not doing my due diligence on that one. Eugh.
Yes, I'm referring to the Picard Speech, or rather the Patrick Stewart Speech
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PatrickStewartSpeech

When Twi or Mandy get on a roll, I think you lose the illusion that the characters are speaking on their own. They turn into your puppets for the sake of info-dumping. As always, one solution to info-dumping is character-led exploration.

In Portal 2, Cave Johnson has about 11 minutes, maybe 2k words, of "prerecorded messages" spread over the entire game. It'll certainly be a challenge to write, but imagine if, instead of gloating like he does, Mandy dumps the M6 directly into a bunch of "tests." Then they escape the tests, only to be trapped somewhere in the complex. Sure, you're appropriating that literary device from the game rather directly, but ah see later...

Fallout: Equestria has an interesting take. Red Eyes talks a lot on the radio, which Littlepip can turn on and off when she wants, which in turn makes those decisions part of the story. It's character interaction even before they meet.

> her coat color
That. I think you said "like blue only bluer" or something like that. When did you let Rainbow Dash start writing your descriptions?


>"oh, that bastard!" kind of way or in a "this character is a pain for all the wrong reasons" way.
Both, currently. Antagonists need to be relatable, not in the sense of "I want to be this guy" but "oh, shit, I am like this guy far too often." I should be nodding in agreement with what he says (and maybe hating myself for it). Instead I'm skimming ahead waiting for him to stop talking.

>that a bit of a sarcastic slam on Mandeville delivering one too many cliches?
Not that he's using cliches, but that he gives a cliched impression even without them.

---

Anyway, thanks for putting up with my rushed and not-terribly good crit. That's one of the reasons I avoid long fics: I just don't have the energy to revise my notes into something useful after that much reading. You get major points for making me want to read the whole thing.

Purple prose, excessively intense description that risks drawing attention to itself, is challenging to properly criticize. Sometimes it's called for (see End of Ponies for extreme purple to great effect). In this passage I have a moderately-high adjective rate (could go higher), a boatload of vivid verbs, cliche "light and shadow," invented "rain-shade," shameless metaphor, and a thesaurus attack. Out of context, it's rather purple.

>Against the red and gold sunset sky, the thunderstorm's black clouds lumbered on. Evening sunlight slanted through gaps in the clouds, casting slashes of light into the dark rain-shade below. Tiny multicolored specks, weather pegasi still at their work, danced through light and shadow, herding errant clouds and tickling from the cells flashes of lightning and thunder.

I just hope the reader is so caught up in the emotional crescendo (it's from a shipfic), that it adds to the effect instead of distracting. In your case, it's not a huge deal. I only thought the very first part of the first chapter was a teensy bit overwrought. Even if it is, you can revise it without causing problems elsewhere. It makes sense to deal with the characterization and pacing issue.

---

I can't tell if Ch 3 sets up the rest or not without knowing what's coming.

My guess is you have "introduce Mandeville" on your outline, know his motivations and you wrote to check that off. I call that a "dead bullet" because, yeah, it's a bullet point on the outline, but it offers no inspiration as to how to write it.

In contrast, a live bullet would be something like "Ch 3: CAIRO gives a short tour of the facility, then drops the ponies into testing. Mandeville has designed a set of tests for TS, but didn't expect her to bring her friends. CAIRO scrambles to revise them into a valid challenge (according to instructions), then Mandy steps in, changes the goal and attempts to split up the M6. He succeeds, but not perfectly: Pinkie, Dash, and Rarity escape the test track together and are now loose in his facility, while Twi, AJ, and Fluttershy are drawn deeper into his game."

That sets you up to show what Mandy plans for each race of pony, and creates suspense where the reader worries about the rescue party's lack of Twi's leadership. (They've got Pinkie's brain, Dash's leadership, and Rarity's iron will. They'll do fine.)

I imagine that conflicts with your plans, and I don't expect you to use it. My point is you probably need to watch out for parts of your outline that call for expo instead of events / conflict to reveal motivation. If it's boring in outline, there's a good chance it won't work in prose either.
>> No. 82026
> and the yellow fields and orange and red trees were
All those ands that fast get annoying. Perhaps: ...as it passed. Yellow fields and colorful trees gave way to hotels, carriage dealerships...

> Soon the ponies of Ponyville would be running
I think this would go well at the beginning. A good opening with RD wondering what life in the big city will be like.

> The maroon unicorn in the next seat started and let out an “Eep!”
Tell us what startled her. Also, this whole paragraph seems like a filler for word count. What does it accomplish?

> Rainbow Dash was hungry, but she couldn’t eat.
Whoa! This paragraph is a hurricane of information. The issue here is that you're trying to show us what she's thinking about. Perhaps take each idea and have her actually try and sort out that idea, but then switch to a different thought.

> And her friends were still in Ponyville.
They are?! Never start a sentence with and. Also, don't state the painfully obvious.

> Then it’ll be just like that time with the Shadowbolts
I know what you're referncing, but I think you still need to tell us what exactly she's talking about.

> packages could be heard crinkling and scraping
Everyone has packages, don't they? What about suit cases and such? Those wouldn't crinkle.

> made her way through the line of ponies ambling down the aisle
It's been my experience that those halls are packed tight. Unless RD flies over them, she's going to be walking at their pace and not passing anypony.

> Hallways busy with hurrying
I get what you're saying, but I think word choice is relavent here. Perhaps hurrying-->Hallways busy with mares and stallions briskly walking...

> There were more alicorns than she had seen
What? It always seemed that alicorns were super rare... if not there only being two. (The Princesses) Also, I think you're giving too much life to every creature, but that's just my opinion. (I'm seriously not sure if Dragons and such would go to EU, I can see the griffons and the mules, but...)

> Her cutie mark was a pink bullhorn.
Is this character significant? If not, we don't care what her cutie mark is. If she is, but later in the story, save this detail for then.

> “OK, I think she’ll get the hang of it eventually,”
[Insert argument for okay vs. OK here] Is Silken Sashes making fun of RD?

> own Pearl Supernova
Epic name! However, have you noticed that pony names usually have something to do with their occupation? I.E. Applejack=Apple farmer.

> to have a smoothie waterfall.
Yum?

> A single oil lamp hung from the ceiling in the center of the short hall. It rocked slowly in the breeze.
"Oh, look at the school! Cutting edge, wow! Third in the country!" You'd think a high powered school like this would have better sleeping accomidations.

> “Excuse me. Is this a closet? I thought we were …”
For how high powered you make this university sound, I tend to agree with this student.

> EU really does care!
But we're gonna give you crap for sleeping quarters!

> The word ‘Sweet’
I'm just saying, I don't think words go on Cutie Marks.

> “Hi! I got here about a week ago.
And she's just taking the tour now?

> if you know what I mean.
Prostitution, drugs, drinking... you know, the whole 9 yards

> in the sky it’s
Comma after sky

> Applejack’s apple by the stalk
by the stem. Applejack only gave RD one apple? What?

> cringing just a little.
This makes it sound like she's in pain. Perhaps: A flood of memories came with the bite.

> “You actually want to go to a party?”
Wow, they just met and Sugar Pea has all ready written Dash off as a lamepony. What a bitch... even the names of this trio scream bitches... But I suppose every school has to have a set, right?

> “More dorms? That’s weird. I thought they had tons of students.”
What? That's kinda a moot question. Duh, tons of students=a need for rooms. It's like asking, "Why are you bringing out more cake? I thought we had a lot of guests."

> your OATS card
Not being a college student myself, I don't know what an OATS card would be equivlent to. Care to explain?

> opened it with her magic.
Ya, you told us that a weak blue aura surrounded the door. This indicates somepony is using magic.

> he gagged more than once when somepony turned and accidentally whipped their mane or tail into her face.
Ugh... does nocreature wash anymore?

> She soon became engrossed in finding intimidating postures
What a weird thing to do in a crowded, public area. Perhaps she buys a mirror and gets caught doing this posing thing... back in her dorm?

> “Is something funny?”
I don't think RD would get angry and aggressive that fast.

> “Oh hi Rainbow.
Comma after 'Oh"

> in turbulent fountain water
I picture a difference between a fountain and a koi pond with a fountain. The difference is really size. A fountain is significantly bigger and I wouldn't put fish in a fountain. (*Note, this is really just my opinion, I don't really know much about architecture)

> "I’ll come back for them though
I'd personally add in 'later' after 'back' it seems to flow more smoothly.

> Some take a hot lantern to their flanks.
using a lantern seems awkward. Why not use a candle? Or better yet, a branding iron!

> Pudding pies are like, the lamest thing.”
Cutie marks are symbols of what a pony's skill is, what they like doing best. Why does she have a pudding pie cutie mark if she apparently hates that skill.

> a cupcake darted past her head.
I think of darted as having actual control of ones movement. I would use 'flew' here.

> I’ve got you covered.
All right, so she isn't a total bitch...

> Dear Pinkie,
Why not to all her friends? She did promise to write to all of them.

> “Flyers on your mark. Get set!”
What, no intro of the coach? No explination? No nothing? Just... go?

> She crashed into a roll, sending up wisps of cloud.
She seems to really only have this issue when trying to land in small places, such as the library. I would think she could land prefectly fine in this scenario.

> The other pegasi were chatting again.
What? They just finished flying as fast as they could... they aren't panting and sweating? "Oh, I just finished a race, nice weather we're having, eh?"

> The whistle was lost in the roar of twenty two sonic rainbooms.
Unrealistic! Not possible! The show itself said so! Everyone said it was a myth until Rainbow Dash pulled it off. Okay, the show said they were super rare, yet right here you have 20 going off. Even the Wonderbolts couldn't do one. Also, a personal opinion lesson on sonic rainbooms to come.

> Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.
What is this?! One does not simply put noise into a story. Especially like this!

Here's the stuff in document, next part is my words of advice.
>> No. 82027
Tags
As it is now: Adventure and Alternative Universe (the last tag might be used wrong (if not both...)), more tags might come up later.

Synopsis
Many of us have heard about Star Swirl the Bearded, one of the greatest unicorns to wander Equestria's soils. But what is his story? Where was he born, how did he grow up? What was he doing during the creation of Equestria? What were his actions during the reign of Discord? How was he involved in the creation of Nightmare Moon? And what is his standing with the elements of balance and the three gods? But most importantly:

How can he still be alive?

List of links to the story:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8291/The-Story-of-Star-Swirl-The-Bearded

Comments/requests:
I would love to have comments on the writing and the descriptions, as well as critic. I understand that some of the things I have thrown in there are bound to create a shitstorm, but that I’m prepared for. As it is now does it feel like I’m rushing this first two chapters, the intro, but I want others thought about that. And for the love of Luna, be as harsh as you possible can! Is it crap? Let me know! I’m here to evolve as a writer, not to being patted on the head for trying.

Note thou that English is not my first language, a lot of grammar error might have found its way into the story, if you feel for it give me a heads up about them, but the important thing for me is to get comments on the story and not my grammar.
>> No. 82028
All right, here's my thoughts.

1. You have alicorns... the show makes them to be super rare, if not down to only 2.

2. I personally think that some spots seem rather incomplete, like when the group is walking to the trough and RD is asking Pudding something. Then, they're suddenly in the resteraunt. Read through and make sure you've completed each part.

3. RD seems a bit OOC. You have her really quick to anger. So quick that she gets bumped into (accidently and in a ultra crowded public area no less) and she's already looking to pick a fight.

4. Acronyms, explain them. Not all of us are college students who know what the real life equivalent is.

5. Lesson* time! Sonic Rainbooms, they're already super rare, yet you have 20 going off at the same time. I explain that in the review. As for the Sonic Rainboom itself. It's aptly named because when Rainbow Dash does it, a rainbow trails behind her. Not everypony has a rainbow mane. They would have a unique sonic boom trail according to their mane colour.

Overall:
This is shaping up to be a pretty good slice of life for Rainbow Dash. Keep up the good work!

*This lesson is my own... take it as you will.
>> No. 82032
Tags
As it is now: Adventure and Alternative Universe (the last tag might be used wrong (if not both...)), more tags might come up later.

Synopsis
Many of us have heard about Star Swirl the Bearded, one of the greatest unicorns to wander Equestria's soils. But what is his story? Where was he born, how did he grow up? What was he doing during the creation of Equestria? What were his actions during the reign of Discord? How was he involved in the creation of Nightmare Moon? And what is his standing with the elements of balance and the three gods? But most importantly:

How can he still be alive?

List of links to the story:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8291/The-Story-of-Star-Swirl-The-Bearded

Comments/requests:
I would love to have comments on the writing and the descriptions, as well as critic. I understand that some of the things I have thrown in there are bound to create a shitstorm, but that I’m prepared for. As it is now does it feel like I’m rushing this first two chapters, the intro, but I want others thought about that. And for the love of Luna, be as harsh as you possible can! Is it crap? Let me know! I’m here to evolve as a writer, not to being patted on the head for trying.

Note thou that English is not my first language, a lot of grammar error might have found its way into the story, if you feel for it give me a heads up about them, but the important thing for me is to get comments on the story and not my grammar.
>> No. 82035
>>81999
Thanks so much for the review! I see what you mean about the caps, would a good rule of thumb be to use italics for an emphasis with stress and to use caps for an increase in volume? Also, would you be willing to edit future chapters of this fic for me?
>> No. 82045
Sry for multiple submission, got an 505 when I posted. (And with my luck is this doubled as well...)
>> No. 82053
Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Paragraphs: new idea, speaker, etc, new paragraph. Also, formatting: a space of empty between each paragraph.

2. Perspective: You really have issues for this one. You start in LIghtning's and then quickly switch to RD's and then back again. It get's really confusing. Stick to one perspective. Remember, we can only see as much as the pony who's perspective the story is in. Pick a pony and stick with that pony!

3. You wander a tad bit into LuS (Explained somewhere in doc). Don't do it! We already know what RD and Lightning look like.

4. Words. You use some incorrectly. Double check some words meaning if you aren't sure. I think I got them all, but it doesn't hurt to check again. Just make sure you aren't picking out obscure words.

5. Those semi-colons! I generally stay way from them, and I notice that you often use them wrong as well. Also, you have random capitalized words throughout your story. watch out for those.

6. Acronyms, don't use them until you've established what they mean.

Overall:
I personally do not like modern tech being integrated into MLP and that makes me just a bit biased against your story. However, This does have some good concepts in it.

One last thing, this is a war in Equestria story. Bah! Like that hasn't been done before... What are you going to do to set yours apart from everyone else's WiE?
>> No. 82101
>>78596 PonyPuff
crossover warning: I've only seen the Japanese PPGZ, so my impressions may be a little warped

>>79019 Wings of Sacrifice
Characters + motivation? A'ight.

>>79026 Ravenspire
crossover warning: everything I know about warhammer I learned from reading crossovers, so I'm sure my impressions are warped.
>> No. 82119
File 132849983680.png - (32.23KB , 1024x768 , Out_of_Context.png )
82119
Title: Out of Context
Author: Nuke_Equestria
Tags: Adventure, Sci-Fi, Ponies in the Milky Way

Synopsis: Magic permeates the universe. Everything is dependent on it in some way, except for humans. Where ever they are magic stops working; and the more of them there are, the wider the area with out magic. All of this they are ignorant of. They've been colonizing the galaxy for a couple of centuries, and now the rest of the galaxies denizen have notice a growing "No Fly Zone" where magical creatures can not live. Princess Luna is visited by an antagonistic race who she has fought in the past. Instead of conflict, they bring a warning that the "No Fly Zone" is growing in Equestria's direction. If she doesn't take action, not only her life, but all life on Equestra could perish. Little does she know, that humanity has already found Equestra, realized that it has intelligent life, and has sent an expedition to make first contact. Both sides need to over come species and cultural differences if they want to survive in a hostile galaxy.

Links: https://docs.google.com/#folders/0B6TsnfEuJDLROTUyOTZlNDUtM2YxZi00Y2UxLTljNDctNDc2YWY5YTY2MGZk
http://fimfiction.net/story/6617/Out-of-Context
>> No. 82127
Descrption: NOT A TROLL FIC
This is a shipping story between an insane Pinkie and Twilight. Pinkie tries to tell Twilight she loves her, but Twilight doesn't listen, causing her to start acting erracticaly. Each chapter was purposely made darker and more disturbing than the last and the final chapter can get a bit cloppy. Relatively happy ending.

links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZEcGizv3QJqdU0itC1MaukV2TN-K62mMLNWSuuJUx4w/edit?hl=en_US

Chapters I would like to be reviewed: All

Comments: Antagonist and myself would love to see this put on Equestria Daily. We have yet to submit it since we want it to be as well done as possible when we initially send it to them since this is dark and has a rather cloppy scene in chapter 5.
>> No. 82161
Name: Success and Envy
Author: RingmasterJ5
Email: ringmasterj5@gmail.com
Tags: Comedy, Dark, Adventure, Crossover(kind of)

Synopsis: When Twilight gets a mysterious letter from another dimension asking for help from the Elements of Harmony, the Mane Six are thrust into a horribly bland war between a land of alicorns and a being called "Titan". But there's something wrong with this world, and why are the Mane Six forbidden from meeting the ruler in person?

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kRrvzbHVGEBbO2HJ5Y_dzoKg80JKfJ4CZGTkn_4vnAQ/edit?hl=en_US

Comments: I only have the 1,040 word first chapter done, so that’s all I want reviewed.

To be honest, the reason I haven’t wrote any more of it yet, is that I...haven’t watched the show at all past “Dragonshy”. I plan to fix that over the next few days, then begin writing again.

This is a crossover, but with another My Little Pony fic. It is written so you don’t need to have read the original fic to understand what’s going on. Specifically, it is crossing over with what may be the worst fic in the entire fandom, "My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing".
>> No. 82165
>>82162
I've actually been looking for an excuse to review this. Also, it's damn short.

Except your review in a few hours' time, Ring.
>> No. 82166
>>82165
Make that "Success and Envy" and >>82161

I cannot brain today.
>> No. 82167
>>82161
Opening Notes

Hey Ringmaster. As you may have guessed from some of my riffs, I'm way pernickety about grammar and punctuation and style and all that fun stuff. I will be focusing on that and mocking you relentlessly for any mistakes you make.

I've written a writing guide full of grammar/style tips and stuff. You can find it at >>75455. Some folk have said that it's good and useful, and so I guess it might be those things to you as well.

Line-editing

I would have liked to do this with in-doc comments, but am sadly unable to at present. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. I am also unable to give one of my usual colour-coded GDoc reviews, so sorry for that as well.

>"Ugh," the unnamed unicorn thought, "Just a few more spells and I'll finally be able to get out of this awful place."
When I said to use italics, I actually meant that you should use italics instead of quotes, like so:
>Ugh, the unnamed unicorn thought, Just a few more spells and I'll finally be able to get out of this awful place.
Some folk like to use single quotes to denote thoughts, but I personally think that that's too easily confused with dialogue, so I prefer italics, and would recommend them.

A note on dialogue/thought punctuation in general:
The placement of the said tag ("x said", "x thought", "asked x", etc...) should not muck up the punctuation of what is being said. So if you have this sentence:
>Ugh, just a few more spells and I'll finally be able to get out of this place.
then the thought punctuation should look like this:
>Ugh, he thought, just a few more spells and I'll finally be able to get out of this place.
On the other hand, if
>Ugh. Just a few more spells and I'll finally be able to get out of this place.
was your intention, you should do this:
>Ugh, he thought. Just a few more spells and I'll finally be able to get out of this place.

>his Cutie Mark
Write "cutie mark", as this is not a proper noun any more than "eye" or "ear" are proper nouns.

>Slowly, over the past few months, he built a hideaway
>The only way he discovered its existence
Tense errors. Both of these sentences are written in the past tense when they should be in the past perfect tense, like so:
>Slowly, over the past few months, he had built a hideaway
>The only way he had discovered its existence
Basically, past perfect tense is the past tense of the past tense. As your story is told in the past tense, events that happened before your story began need to be in the past tense of the past tense. Make sense?

>The other dimension was kept a secret to everypony
Should be "kept secret from", or "kept as a secret from", but preferably the former.

>knowing that whatever it was, it was a much better place than this world
Consider "it was, it had to be" instead, as that sounds more natural and avoids stuttering.

>Uttering the final spell, a large spark came from his horn
Ezn: Help! It's a talking spark!
Please reword to avoid such exploitable ambiguities.

>which soon was
I prefer "which was soon".

>with green fire; which meant
Semicolons are fun and all, but this would sound better as
>with green fire. This meant

>The door of his hideaway was blasted open; the force of the blast sending him flying into the wall.
Semicolons are used to join to independent clauses together. In other words, they glue two perfectly good sentences together to form one. Sadly, "The force of the blast sending him flying into the wall" does not work as its own sentence, so this is semicolon abuse. CALL THE COPS!
>The door of his hideaway was blasted open, sending him flying into the wall.
It's assumed that "the force of the blast" is what knocked him. Say as much as you can in as few words as possible.

>Just because I have, well, had, the last name as you
*same last name
Also, this seems like a nice place for em dashes:
>Just because I have - well, had - the same last name as you
>Just because I have--well, had--the same last name as you
Leaving spaces or not is a matter of whatever you like the look of best. I like to do it just in case my hyphens don't all correct themselves in Word.

>further more
One word: "furthermore".

>one of them said, who then shot a large black orb
Eww. This is really awkward-sounding. I don't think you're supposed to use "who" like that.
>one of them said, shooting a large black orb

Put the other guard in his own paragraph. Poor dude's getting cramped.

>then proceeded to send
tl;dr
*then sent

>after the unexpected letter
*an unexpected letter
Only use "the noun" if it's been previously introduced, like so:
>I have a ball. The ball is flat.

>Rare Cabinets and Where to Find Them
A true masterpiece.

>her copy of... that she borrowed
It's not her copy if she borrowed it. Considering she lives in a library, the idea of her borrowing books is a little odd. But if you must go with that, say "the copy of".

>quite different than the one
*different from the one

>Celestia normally uses
Ezn: LET'S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN!
I've made this same mistake before, and I know that it may make a kind of sense to write this in present tense, but don't. Your entire story is in past tense, so put this in past tense as well.
>Celestia normally used.

>help from the "Elements of Harmony", in defeating
That comma isn't needed.

>enchanted onto this letter
You don't enchant spells "onto" stuff.
>this letter is enchanted with
Worried about ending sentences with prepositions? Don't be. It's okay if you don't do it too much.

>Turning the letter around, the the image on the back momentarily surprised her.
Ezn: I'd be more than momentarily surprised if an image turned my letters around.
Reword to escape ambiguity.

>one of which
*one of whom
Screw Word's grammar checker if it complains about this. It doesn't know that alicorns are people too!

>about the picture; none of them
Use a colon instead of a semicolon, as the second clause follows the first logically.

>looked...cold
*looked... cold

>asking assistance
Either "requesting assistance" or "asking for assistance".

>The letter... to trace the letter
Pronouns! Use "it" instead of the second "the letter".

>image on the back of the letter, of what seems
Remove that comma. It's unnecessary.

>None of them seem to have cutie marks, instead having black markings
This is an awkward construction. Try this:
>None of them seem to have cutie marks. Instead, they have black markings

>to Celestia, then sent
"Then" is not a conjunction. You're going to need an "and then".

>To My Faithful Student
I think you can remove the "To".
>> No. 82168
>>82161
>>82167
A quick aside

When you are done reading this review you are going to watch every episode of Friendship is Magic, from Look Before You Sleep to Read it and Weep (rhyming, awesome!) or rather, you are going to continue doing that, as I do hope that you started when I was busy writing this. I don't know what kind of man you must be to subject yourself to both The Conversion Bureau and Past Sins Original Edit before having actually watched the show. It could be compared to eating dirt when a frothy mug of apple cider is sitting within your reach (you will get this reference later).

Seriously, though, watching the source material is absolutely vital for a fanfic author. You really need to have watched every episode at least twice, I think, before you can even consider putting fingers to keyboard and trying to use the material for your own creative work.

Don't worry, you should still be able to sleep after seeing the episodes, and I don't predict the need to write corrective fanfics or fight shipping wars in your future.

Overall thoughts

It's rather short and more than a little bland. This whole chapter, especially the part before the break, could use some fleshing out.

Lines like:
>one of them said, who then shot a black orb at the pinned unicorn, killing him
and
>He then shot a magic beam at her, which didn't even make her flinch
positively stink with wasted potential. They could easily be expanded into multiple exciting, action-packed paragraphs that draw the reader in and make him actually care about these characters in some way, but they don't.

I want to know more about this unnamed guy. He sounds interesting, and you've completely glazed over what the deal with him is in a few bland, telly paragraphs. I think that as an Equestrian trapped in Unicornicopia, he should be an important character in your story, even if he's a mostly post-humous one.

Elaborate on his backstory a little. Who was he before? What did the Ruler want with him? What did the Ruler do to him? How did he build his hideout? How did he steal the spellbook? I'm not asking you to make this story be about him, but I really think this story would be far more interesting, satisfying and immersive if you painted a more vibrant picture of this guy before brutally killing him off. If you want the reader to be angered by his death, let us know something about who he is.

As for the second half: yeah, it seems okay. There's not much to go on, but you haven't managed to make Spike or Twilight seem wildly out of character, so yay for that. Do please go through with your plan to watch more of the show before writing more, though.

Closing notes

I do wonder where you're going with this, Ring. Have some quick advice:
- Read your stuff aloud to fix up awkward style.
- Read good books (see the library or Project Gutenburg) to learn to write better.
- Watch the show! =D

Good luck, keep writing, and feel free to toss me an email or reply to this post or whatever if there's anything I should clarify.
>> No. 82170
>>82167
Today is not my day. That guide I mentioned is at >>75545. Sorry.
>> No. 82180
File 132853377612.jpg - (2.74KB , 126x111 , 132591735365s.jpg )
82180
>>79713
I've been out the whole day, traversing mountain roads on a journey of brohood. Hence I haven't done any reviewing. I can only get to yours tomorrow morning earliest.

>>79249
Isphone's comments are still hanging around, and Applejinx has reviewed it as well. If you're still around/happen to see this, Sonic Rainblast, please reply, so that I can get the green light to review yours. I have emailed you about this at [?jsonic50000@live.com[/?] with no response. If you don't reply, I'll take it as an "I'm good, it is kay" and retract my claim.
>> No. 82244
>>81736
Review in-doc. Overall, a good chapter, but I'd recommend looking up how real-life armies operate. You're beginning to stray into movie-portrayal military, and that's can make you hemorrhage readers quickly.
>> No. 82245
Title: Kindle the Bonfire
Author: sirhim11
E-mail: sienert@yahoo.com
Tags: [Adventure] [Grimdark] [Crossover] [Light-Shipping]
Synopsis: The Darksign. It brands the dead. Those who die come back as a shell of their former selves. If they do not restore their equinity the ponies lose their minds and go hollow, attacking all who still take breath. Ponies wait for their princesses to end this blight, but no help comes. Equestria is dying.
Link: https://docs.google.com/?utm_campaign=en&utm_source=demo#folders/0By0oDPrCOzD0NjZhNGJjOGUtOTBkNC00NDFjLTg1YjctZWMxYjk2YT
JiZGU1
All chapters are open for review. There are six of them so be warned.
>> No. 82247
>>82245
The link didn't work. So,
Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IIDa-appuiJuOcAsoLhpqePv1sE8KT2qiOGHkCs2Sz0/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/13yT_BP-rUqrjIm2NDzVJTpYuO0g7KcHYs361ucld68U/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 3:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AnICr449KKOv5P16jsypoTbyCSqEMFrZf2pNNXlWrRc/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 4:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wOTFlIMnNQvFtGBahPqE9iBmU7wEZzBXgChAkl89y7g/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 5:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZxS_aE159ATB5SW3sJFD77KG7VsW6wJjaeVUPo3033Q/edit?hl=en_US
and Cahpter 6:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XPOsv-Uh2ApmXWf0tUrnj4QA43zAxTdmvJjTyA5oxhc/edit?hl=en_US
Hope it works this time.
>> No. 82263
>>82244
Thanks again, much appreciated. :)
>> No. 82266
File 132857111075.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona.png )
82266
>>81505

Well, well, look who's here. I'll take this one, but something to say first.

Though I'm looking forward to reviewing this, it will take time (psychology exams are getting the best of me and I'm close to a breakdown here), so I won't be able to review this until the 15th, when I'll finish the last exam, so maybe the 15th or 16th will be ready.

You can have it or, if you're in a bit of a hurry, you may decline and wait or another reviewer.
>> No. 82278
>> 82266

Well, this is pretty different from what I've done so far. I think I'll hold out for another reviewer, if that's OK with you. It's a fairly short piece, I could possibly get some quicker feedback elsewhere, and I guess it might do me some good getting another reviewer's style this time.

Thank you for offering, though. You can have the next CMEA chapter once I get over this writer's block and finish it. Good luck with those exams!
>> No. 82284
>>82028

Hi LunarShadow. Thank you very much for your time time and effort - your comments were quite helpful. I'll put this through a revision cycle. BTW, you didn't miss much not going to college. The only thing a pony is taught is the meaning of the word 'arbitrary'. Just a lot of cutie mark defacement IMHO.
>> No. 82315
>>82245

I like me some Dark Souls
>> No. 82340
>>80253 >>82003
>“… Hold on! I can whistle!” The Doctor realized, thinking out loud.
Lower case "the" since it's continuing the sentence after the quote, the exclamation mark notwithstanding.

>towards
Plenty of people use this spelling, but per Merriam-Webster, "toward" is preferred. Your call.

>Padrivole 9
You could legitimately claim that as a proper noun, the numeral is justified. However, the general rule is that numbers should be spelled out unless they're long. In any case, numerals in planet/star names are generally written as Roman numerals.

>Time Lord-turned-equine
Hyphenate the whole thing.

>the whole design was built
Designs aren't built. The final product is built. Rephrase this sentence.

>So what would he reformat the console to? Bigger, hoof-sized buttons? Mouth levers? Pedals, perhaps! Pedalling through space and time! That sounded very him.
First sentence: dangling preposition ("to" has been violently dislodged from its object). "So, to what would he..." or better yet "So how would he..." This whole exchange should be recast as the Doctor's internal thoughts. A third-person narrator shouldn't be asking questions or making comments / judgments.

>empty field; he pushed
Scrap the semicolon and start a new sentence. Semicolons are for linking closely-related thoughts, which you don't have here.

>(and God knows he’ll swallow the thing one day at this rate)
Again, the narrator shouldn't comment in this way. I don't believe the Doctor would reference God like this. He's come across enough of them to be specific.

>“Welcome, welcome!” came the response.
Italics are generally reserved for thoughts, emphasis, dreams, or flashbacks. It's a little jarring here. I realize you're going for a disembodied voice, but that's already clear.

>Wait… What?
Not from the narrator you don't!

>This was the sort of thing that distressed him: not the impending ruination...
First off, a colon means you're going to provide an example. However, you proceed to tell us what it is not. It doesn't flow well. Second, "this/that/these/those" make weak pronouns because they almost always have vague antecedents. Rephrase or stick a noun after "this" to make it an article.

>A… head appeared, right in front of him as he turned. He staggered back, in surprise.
The narrator doesn't pause, either. I'm not going to tag these instances anymore, but you're given the narrator a voice like the Doctor's. Just let it be the Doctor's voice. Both of these commas should be removed.

>Taking a closer look, “goat” was
Your participle phrase is looking for something to modify, and the assumption will be the closest noun/pronoun, but this placement error can be excusable if it's eminently obvious what it describes. Unfortunately, in this case, what it describes (the Doctor) doesn't make an appearance.

>How did you get inside my ship?!” The Doctor asked, angrily.
Double punctuation is discouraged. "Angrily" will cover the exclamation mark, so lose it. The comma is extraneous. "The" doesn't begin a new sentence, so don't capitalize it.

>nothing familiar; a sort of
What's on either side of a semicolon should be able to stand as a separate sentence. Not so. Change it to a dash.

>a lion’s paw and eagle claw
Be consistent about whether or not you use possessives.

>always in a hurry like that
There's an extraneous space.

>chimera
You're not going to call him a draconequus? A chimera is a defined thing, and Discord isn't one.

>The creature turned with a grin that showed little in the way of intelligence.
I doubt Discord would be willing to appear dumb, even if it served his purpose. He's too arrogant.

>“The day you’ll know what you’re doing, there won’t be any surprise left,” he said, as he floated around playing with the controls.
"You'll" should be "you," "surprise" should be "surprises," and move the comma after "around."

>This isn’t funny, let me go!
Comma splice. Two sentences are tacked together with a comma. Separate them or use a semicolon.

>he said, as he started popping off bits of the console, and shoving them into the bag.
Comma overload. You don't need either of them.

>throwing the old book into his floating bag and throwing it over his shoulder.
Repetitive use of "throwing."

>who are you, really?
capitalize

>that wouldn’t be fair, would it,"
It's a question. Give it a question mark.

>He seemed genuinely surprised by that.
See above note on usage of "that." The antecedent to "He" is unclear since both characters are named immediately beforehand.

>Oh, you wound me, Time Lord! You’re a positively dreadful host, you know
Channeling John de Lancie? This quote seems almost verbatim from one of Q's lines, if memory serves. You can be more original.

>Au-revoir
no hyphen

>double-dealocked
double-deadlocked

>to begin with.
Dangling preposition, but a particularly nasty one to fix. Consider rephrasing.

>“Discord”,
Comma goes inside the quotes.

>That didn’t make much sense?
This sentence is not a question.

>“We’ve moved!”, he whispered
Axe the comma.

>the breaks were disengaged.
I'm not that familiar with TARDIS machinery, but perhaps you mean brakes? Or breakers? This word turns up again a few more times.

>But how?!
No double punctuation.

>nightmares were made of.
Dangling preposition, and a cliche.

>Universe; an experiment
Semicolon should be a comma

>The Doctor had seen what had gone in it, they were nothing but spare junk.
Comma splice, and "they were" should be "it was."

>I have to know where we’ve been to!
Proper emphasis in italicized text is to un-italicize the word. Delete "to."

>it’s last destination.
"its." Merciful God in heaven above, if you learn one rule of grammar, make it that one!

>“Hot”
I don't see the point of the capitalization.

>as if it was the end times.
Subjunctive tense is used for wishful / possible / hypothetical statements. Fortunately, it's easy to use. It's always "were." "as if it were..."

>scuttling
This word choice implies sideways movement and close to the ground. I don't envision him moving in that way. Maybe you meant scrambling?

>What?!
For the last time, no double punctuation.

>It showed that this was indeed not the TARDIS’ last landing site.
Weak usage of "this" again. The proper possessive would be TARDIS's, since it's not plural.

>He tried to re-initialize the ship, and
Unnecessary comma


General:
The characterization of Discord was fine after he gave up the Yoda-playing-dumb act. I don't believe he'd act this way.
The Doctor's character is pretty accurate, particularly if you're going for a Matt Smith vibe, but too often the narrator is speaking in this voice as well. The narrator is breaking all kinds of rules.
You've got some end-of-quote punctuation problems, but they're inconsistent, so I can't tell if you know what you're doing.
There's some comma abuse and semicolon misuse.
You alternately refer to Discord as a chimera or a dragon, but never a dranconequus. That's fine if it's because the Doctor doesn't know that term yet, but you have to say it somewhere.
The plot is fine so far. There's not enough to poke yet and see what breaks, so... I got nuthin'.

It does feel like a Doctor Who episode so far, but nothing pony going on yet...

Keep writing!
>> No. 82380
>>81966
Your technical advice was helpful. The "double space" thing is actually totally new to me. The coma splice thing, it's just a narrative choice to reflect Rainbow Dash.

The NAME STUFF, yeah. Okay. I gotcha. Writing the names over and over is annoying to me, but I get that doing to colourful is annoying to the readers. So fine.

The DESCRIPTIONS of scenery and stuff. Honestly, I'm not so much good at those. I do dialogue and actions. So that I'm working on and I'll try to do better.

The rest, not so much. You really didn't get anything involving the characters, such as Gilda's desire to not just kill Dash, but to BEAT her and prove that she's better and Dash egging her on so as to avoid killing her. Like, literally, every single thing you brought up. I'd say that's something for me to look into, if everyone else I've talked to got it.

Anyway. It seemed really obvious that you just flat out didn't want to do this and while I thank you with the technical help, I'll disregard your other comments.

I've decided to add an "into" chapter for folks who didn't at all read FoE when I make my thread and I won't be linking your review since it amounts to "I don't know anything about this, but it's not my cup of tea."
>> No. 82382
File 132860137120.png - (385.01KB , 772x709 , wtfamieating.png )
82382
>>82380
Poor Filler.
>> No. 82384
File 132860259500.jpg - (38.73KB , 361x500 , Baron.jpg )
82384
>>78626
Looks like Lunar Shadow also got mitts in this one. Aa, well; the more the merrier, I suppose.

Concept:
Intriguing. You take Discord and turn him into a boogeyman, a nighttime terror as opposed to just another lesson in friendship. By no means do I say this as discouraging; indeed, it is an interesting way to play the character. I, for one, am curious to see how it plays out.

Structure - Technical:
As I mentioned in one of my comments, you need to work on sentence and paragraph structure. You tend to start new paragraphs every few sentences or so, and several good sentences are obstructed by a period in the middle. Things like this break flow, and make it hard for the reader to be able to immerse herself into your world. I mean, take a look at the following three paragraphs blatantly ripped from your story:

>“Being a princess is no fun nowadays!” complained Luna as she flopped down next to her sister.

>She stared at the small daisy sandwich on her plate. It was much less appealing than she had hoped for.

>“And you’d think that you’d be getting a decent lunch at least.”

See that? That should be one paragraph. That is Luna talking, Luna action, and Luna talking again, all with the same major topic: Luna complaining. As for problem sentences, I believe I pointed a few of those out in comments, so no use going over those again.

Beside that, your structure holds up rather well, with the exception of dialogue punctuation. In most cases, you're good; in others, you fall short. Some examples:

>"Oh... oops." Twilight mumbled...
>"...being fun or not." Celestia explained calmly, "Though I must say..."
>"...as well, Tia?" she cocked an eyebrow...

I believe the words of Master Vimbert are the most appropriate here, and therefore I shall install them into this review without his permission.
>Remember, a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark.

Structure - Story:
I admit, I am not what one would call a horror connoisseur, so forgive me if my knowledge of the frightening words is...lacking.

Now, I see where the pacing is going with this: you want to build slowly, draw the reader in, then, presumably, slap them in the face for leaning so close. You seem to be doing a good job of that so far; keeping things slow, build up some tension, let it ease a bit so we get comfortable again...

However, I believe you are caught in a plothole, and that plothole is the eclipse. Allow me to explain:

You have set up that a lunar eclipse hasn't happened in over a thousand years because it requires both sisters to accomplish. The eclipsed moonlight contains a unique blend of magic that reanimates fossils/regular stone. Very well; perfectly acceptable.

The princess never knew. Hold on, there.

Eclipses obviously happened before, since there is a book on them (side note: that book must be very old), and this moonlight has never before touched a fossil/stone thing? Sure, I can accept her overlooking some petrified grass suddenly becoming green again, but nothing else ever turned before? Why does everything dangerous wait until Luna is gone to suddenly pop up where eclipse light can touch it? Please, I hope you have a good explanation of this.

Characterization:
This is, I think, where you lose it. See, you have the surface of the characters right: nerdy, checklist-prone Twilight and prim-and-proper fashionista Rarity, but beyond that, it isn't them. Twilight is not a scared little filly; she is very courageous. Remember Ep 1 pt 2? Applejack, a mare she didn't know, tells her to let go and fall down a cliff. What does Twilight do? She lets go. ANGRY MANTICORE! Quick! Attack it!

These are not the actions of a frightened mare.

You have her scared out of her wits by some strange sounds, so much so she cannot keep her concentration enough to cast a spell, yet when she was facing Nightmare Moon, alone, she was solidly resolved, even though she had no idea what she was doing.

And Rarity? Rarity is overly dramatic, not scared. Remember, Spike grew large and kidnapped her, and she acted the part of a damsel in distress. She couldn't have been scared; after all, she yelled at the horribly large and scary dragon, and later fell to the ground with nary a care. She was kidnapped by Diamond Dogs, and her biggest worry was dirt. You have Rarity go to the library, find a few things odd (only one thing actually unnerving coughsmartypantscough), and then be disproportionately terrified of flapping wings.

I understand that it can be hard to write horror if your characters are not scared, but please, give them a reason to be frightened.

Overall:
Potential. The points I covered are what makes this a choppy read, but I do believe that there is something there. It may be difficult, but I do want to see how this turns out.

*tips hat*
>> No. 82385
File 132860297282.png - (53.30KB , 1330x695 , 130625815861.png )
82385
>>82382
He said thanks. That's good enough for me.

>>82380
I don't see why you'd link to this review regardless. It's, like I said, just an overglorified proofreading.
>> No. 82390
>>82053
Thank you so much for the review. It's nice to have another pair of eyes look at my fanfic. Though I am a bit peeved at some of your comments.

Example #1: "And then suddenly they are looking at Fluttershy's companion."

I can see where you're going with this, but the tone it's putting out sounds... unprofessional? Maybe put it into a question.

Correction: "Why did they both suddenly look at Fluttershy's companion? Did she suddenly grow an extra limb?"

Example #2:"And then suddenly they're all laughs and giggles."

Correction:. "You're swinging their behaviors too wildly. How is RD going from angry to laughing with him so suddenly?"

Also...

Hanger: A shaped piece of wood, plastic, or metal with a hook at the top, from which clothes may be hung.

Hangar: A large building with extensive floor area, typically for housing aircraft.

Aside from these things, I have to agree with you with the other issues. Especially the perspective shifting.

I try to take several ideas from the Ace Combat universes and mix them in with the alternate Equestria. So what makes this different from a regular "modern technology is Equestria" Fanfic? Well, if I've learned anything while playing Ace combat... it's that the enemy sure likes using enormous super-weapons and/or aircraft.
>> No. 82395
>>82390

Yarg, sorry 'bout that spelling mistake, I'm only human...

As for the sarcasm, I but that there purposely to get you thinking. Obviously it working... And guess what! Surprise! I'm not a professional, I'm someone who gives my free time to you to share my ideas. Trust me, you could have gotten a lot worse...

Other then that, thank you for taking the time to reply and thank you for at least saying you'll take my advice.
>> No. 82410
File 132862501976.jpg - (18.25KB , 500x310 , c8c55d96-436d-4d88-ab71-36ac25b9bf99.jpg )
82410
>>82395
> Trust me, you could have gotten a lot worse...

Why not Split? XD
>> No. 82423
File 132863262372.png - (75.94KB , 521x484 , Vanner-snowdonttell.png )
82423
Running Commentary:
in doc

Characterization: 5/10. Wooden and weak. I'm getting no depth from any of the characters, and little motivation from their actions.
Story: 7/10. It's been done before and better by others. Still your twist on the idea is good enough to stand on its own.
Flow: 6/10. Short and choppy sections does not a good flow make.
Mechanics: 7/10. Mostly mechanically sound, save for rampant capitalization errors and occasional misuse of punctuation.
Description: 4/10. Very few descriptions of anything, and all of the telling variety.

Final Score: 28/50. This piece is pretty horrendous. Not for the story, which isn't that weak, but for the way it's written. It feels as if it were dictated by a fifth grader who hasn't grasped any concept of subtlety. There's not a single example of showing anywhere in this piece, all the characters are like marionettes acting out a poorly written play. There's no depth to the words you've written, and I don't feel anything from this piece. Making the changes I've noted is just the beginning, as your piece basically needs to be rewritten from the start. You need to show, not tell, you need to avoid using passive voice, you need to improve your dialogue, you need to add depth to your characters. and you need to add descriptions of the environment.
>> No. 82426
File 132863585731.jpg - (5.17KB , 131x131 , nughumperpic.jpg )
82426
Hi, I was hoping somepony here had the time to review my fic. I've gotten word from the pre-readers that despite the frequency of Evil/Tyrant Celestia fics, this one stands a chance with some Ponychan proofing.

Here is the link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8275/Sunshine-Forever

I've already combed through the fic entirely since that response to improve comma abuse and clarity issues. Complaints that I am unsure how to address are:

- showing vs. telling (mostly applies to the last section of Part II, I'm sure)
- jarring transitions between sections (this was intentional, but perhaps there is a way to accomplish this with more finesse?)

If you'd prefer to review it with me live on Google docs, I can definitely arrange that and would sincerely appreciate your input.
>> No. 82439
File 132864017114.png - (102.35KB , 473x439 , Vanner Warhammer.png )
82439
>>79026

Running Commentary:
> Equestria, Celestia's sun was high in the sky
"You know, I kind of wish there was like a sewer god; then, every time someone takes a shit, they would be taking a _______'s Shit." -NickNack.
In addition, you start off in the passive voice. Passive voice occurs when using any form of "to be" or "to have" and another verb. Passive voice takes away the action from the subject of the sentence , and acts as a tell instead of a show. It's a sign of lazy writing, and weakens the flow of the piece do to imprecise writing. It's all over the piece, so I'm not going to mention it further.
> Pegasi lounged in what few clouds there were, little fillies played games in the parks, mares and colts trotted through the streets going about their business.
Surprise! Without a final "and," this is an incomplete sentence.
> with you."
That period should be a comma. I'm noticing that you've got that pretty much everywhere, so I'll just tell you to correct it.
> "You coulda just brought...
Who says this? In addition, it's a run on sentence.
> wont we."
Won't we?"
> it sounded interesting so I looked it up. It's actually a pretty interesting place."
Avoid using the same descriptor twice in a paragraph
> Applejack commented.
Commented is not an acceptable speech tag ever.
> Twilight theorized.
That's even worse.
> and keeping her from leaving.
Present participle like this implies that things happen simultaneously. Not only that, it's a very telling way of doing things. Telling is terrible. Instead of letting the readers come to their own conclusions about something, you instead say "This is how it is." You take away the imagination of the reader and put it onto page instead. Showing lets the reader draw their own conclusions, and allows them to build the world for themselves.
At this point I'm going to stop proof reading and just give you a conceptual review.
> slowly and rather loudly
Adverbs are the epitome of tell vs. show, and using more than one per sentence is indicative of lazy writing.
> Rainbow Dash saw Twilight thinking this over and wasted no time expressing what was on her mind.
Don't tell us when characters are going to start speak, just have them start speaking.
You start running on with your sentences about halfway through the first chapter.
> anypony
The bird is not a pony You're using the wrong word.
Chapter 2
I always liked Nurgle.
>Bits about the princes
From the tongue of daemons come words of honey to lure in those who know no better.
>Story of Tzeneech.
Does this story have point? It seems like the raven is just kind of rambling for the sake of exposition. Tzeentch really isn't that nice. None of the Chaos gods are.
Chapter 3
Weaver sowing Chaos? Color me shocked with Necron silver!
Chapter 4
And now you've lost the point of the story. The problem with stories like this is that you have the tendency to ramble on with them long after they've come to a logical conclusion. That doesn't do your readers any favors simply because you'll eventually stop writing, leaving an incomplete story.

Characterization: 7/10. While your canon cast is portrayed as per usual, Fate Weaver is a tad bit irritating because he's so powerful A mentor to Celestia and Luna, the last survivor of the Warp, that sort of nonsense. It's all just too much and he's not relatable.
Story: 6/10. I'm really not seeing a point to your story. The're nothing unifying the chapters, and it's mostly a case of "I'm going to tell you these stories about the warp and cause a bit of a rukus. Nothing changes and nothing is learned.
Flow: 8/10. Eh, I've seen worse.
Mechanics: 7/10. Some horrendous run on sentences, you don't know how to punctuate quotations, wrong group pronouns.
Description: 7/10. You've got a lot of list, but you do a good job of painting your unique atmosphere (the library).
Final Score: 35/50. I don't really like this story that much because it's not really a story about ponies. it's an attempt to rectify one universe with another and it all hangs together rather poorly. Weaver's not really that interesting a character because he's got no depth, and everything revolves around him being awesome at knowledge rather than having any growth or change. As far as your tags go, there's really no adventure, nore is there any comedy. So it's just a crossover and a sort of interesting one at that.
>> No. 82461
File 132864949517.png - (169.27KB , 852x937 , Pinkie-Iapprove.png )
82461
Right, my apologies for taking so long. Good lord, you write fast.

From what I see from your revision notes and what little I did read from a brief skimthrough, it appears you did went on to correct the errors which I pointed out from my previous review, especially the part about how the entire world was supposed to end. Rogue nations nuking the United States and causing massive fallout is /slightly/ more plausible than the entire world forgetting to spin. It is however, still quite implausible, but not quite the mighty blow to science. Even after massive fallouts, I'd imagine humans would manage to eke out an existence ala Fallout, but eh, many things could have happened since. It's good you left it vague instead. Cookie for you then.

Now, the meat of my review will concern your later chapters. Since you probably don't need help with your grammar, I'll just point out the most ergegious errors and focus more on your story.
>“Naw,” Applejack shook her head.
should be
>"Naw." Applejack shook her head.
Punctuation. I know, I do this myself, but I learnt to spot what is wrong and what is not. To paraphrase Vimbert. "When you have a chunk of dialogue followed by an attribution, you use commas. If you have dialogue followed by action, use periods."

Pony guards beating the stuffing out of Patrick.
What. You would think ponies would be better than that. But that small matter aside, Celestia also lets the guard go just like that after witnessing (or at least deducing) what they had done. Assuming she the benelovent monarch you seem to be portraying her, you think Celestia would do something (eg. demoting the guard on the spot.) to amply demostrate to Patrick how sincere she was. I do believe you have a missed opportunity here.

Also
>important-looking Pegasus.
Herp derp capitalisation. Fix this. You do this throughout the fic on occasion.

Alicorn spells can affect hyumans, unicorn can't. Herp derp. I think there's something wrong with this explaination. Frankly speaking, I'm not sure why you made such an important distinction between alicorn magic and unicorn magic. They appear to be the one and the same after all in the show. A better explaination would be Celestia having centuries to study humans and their quirks, and thus was able to figure out their magic immunity or some funky techno/magicobabble.

Rainbow Dash offering to bust Patrick out. Wut. Okay, so Patrick is a friend. Maybe the bestest of friend from the way you portrayed Rainbow Dash. But for her to openly go against the Princess just on the drop of the hat? Um. No. Not likely. It feels forced, just for the sake of providing dwama and angst. Same when you made Rarity scream, I quote, “Let’s get Patrick out of that lying, murdering Celestia’s hooves!” I facepalmed at that. What is needed here is a scene, maybe more, to illustrate the difficult decision the mane six had to take after hearing the Princess's revelation. Explore the depths of their feelings regarding the decision the Princess made. Not just, "Oh look Princess murdered my friend's dad. RAWR!" Right now, it feels like you're just brushing aside a life-long devotion of their princess for some human they just knew only a few weeks. Remember, this is the goddess of Equestria we're talking about, not some mere princess.

>The slack in the rope became shorter, and shorter, until finally…
I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with this. Does slack even grow shorter? I put it here because it stuck out to me.

Pony swearing. Hearing Twilight or the mane six speaking such filth always filled me cognitive dissonance and this makes no exception. Please, excise them if you can.

>“Now you all see why I made Patrick suffer so. I regret doing it, I still do. But by doing so, he and his friends share the strongest bond of friendship that Humankind, and Ponykind, have ever known. With the magic of their friendship, the Nightmare can be destroyed! But Patrick is the key, we need him, and after everything I’ve done to him,”
This sentence summed up what I feel wrong about this fic. How on Earth can his friendship be stronger than the one shown by Twilight and friends? As of yet, you have shown to be a bitchy, and admittedly tragic, character, but he displays none of the requesite characteristics of friends. Heck, you hardly ever show his friends. Up to this point of the story, I cannot see why he's chosen at all. At this point, I'll say you need to allude more to Patrick's friendship than merely just the flashbacks we see.

Aside from that, I'll say it's an engaging read. (I have not read Chapter 16.)

tl;dr Some issues with the general plot, but otherwise well-written.
>> No. 82472
File 132865018782.png - (74.40KB , 473x439 , Vanner.png )
82472
Running Commentary:
In doc

Characterization: 7/10. I never figured any of the CMC to be that morose or whiny, and I don't think it suites Sweetie Belle. We've seen her get frustrated in Sisterhooves Social and she's more arrogant and sarcastic when she gets mad, not really weepy and downtrodden.
Story: 7/10. I really can't say I approve of shipping the CMC with anyone, even Spike. I suppose puppy love makes for an interesting story though.
Flow: 6/10. You've got some serious timing issues here. Your pacing is all over the place rather than a consistent logical flow.
Mechanics: 7/10. Incomplete and run on sentences, but no systemic errors.
Description: 6/10. You seriously lack in descriptions of action, and the descriptions you do have are all of the telling variety. In addition, the way you tag character speech is very telly, rather than showing us their feelings and emotions through their actions or words.
Final Score: 33/50. I don't hate this piece, but I do think it could be much better. Work on the show vs. tell aspect of it all, remove the over used passive voice, and mind your speech tags. Since you're trying to focus on emotion, don't tell us what the characters are feeling: show us with their actions and reactions.
>> No. 82477
File 132865090694.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona.png )
82477
>>82278

Very well then. I left a comment in the queue so any other reviewer can check it and review it in my place according to your needs. If, for some reason, it's left unchecked by the time I'm over with these little horrors,I'll give it a try.

Thanks for the luck and good day to you!
>> No. 82481
>>81161
>>80884

To kickstart the reopening of my own thread, I CLAIM THESE AND DRAG THESE OFF TO HERE: >>72525

I will post the reviews there as to not clutter up here, I will post a notice when I finish both.

>>78626: Enz (here:>>82384
) has reviewed your story. I'm going to drop this for now. However, if you find yourself in need of another reviewer, by all means, hit my thread up.
>> No. 82482
>>80488
Review is in doc, author has been notified~
>> No. 82498
Tags: [Normal][Comedy][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Derpy isn't your typical pony and as such, doesn't have a typical life. No matter where she turns, hilarity ensures and on this day, it's certainly no different....

Links:

FIMFiction
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8331/Derpy-Happens

GDocs:

Chapter 1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VXTyn2zaFgIwWBMNbzMZxfXXtHYc2morgNgQ4q5NGkU/edit

Chapter 2
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cTaIEIzU88muVwXM-eikcNblx6nJ9NoVwk_HiMPo6CE/edit

Chapter 3
https://docs.google.com/document/d/12Ujiw2y_6qJ1buRbwSx2LrmjxeuPcBF7IqeHTQYfZIA/edit

Chapter 4
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ERvvBfgIGD9XR6_4C6c7IfqChBQPBgFysCUHhq_BVbo/edit

Chapter 5
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E6yge5ZBsPVwMin9I7vJM76495poRwhaCIDGbglmRnM/edit


Comments:

This is a relatively short story (< 10,000 words) that's doing well enough on FIM that I'm considering submitting to EqD. However, before I go that route, the story requires some TLC which I'm currently applying to the GDocs version. From my prior experience, my main issue is small, but consistent gramatical bugaboos and the "show vs tell" aspect. Both are improving but I still need to work on it.
>> No. 82509
>>82481
Yay! Thank you for claiming my fic!
>> No. 82515
I would like to request a review.

[Grimdark][Crossover][Sci-fi]

A Cloud Divided

Folder: https://docs.google.com/#folders/0B4NYINW8ltDEMDhjMTI4OWUtNjJjYi00NWRhLTg5M2ItZGUyZDhlODZlMzNl

Synopsis:
The United Stables has been gearing for war ever since
the beginning of the century. The division between North and South has
slowly been widening. Six pegasi exiled from the isolationist nation
of Cloudsdale must find a living as the United Stables prepares itself
for the war known by many names: The War of the Rebellion, the War of
Southern Treason, the War of Northern Aggression, and The War of
Cloudsdale's Division.

---

Here's the pre-reader comments:
1) Premise: The OC just randomly decides to set fires and be an arsonist and has been doing it for some time. Already, I find myself not really caring about the OC and desire to read the fic is reduced, substantially. This doesn't grab me in any way, honestly... it makes me scratch my head, wonder 'WTF?', and want to move on to the next in line. Try and find a way to tighten this up a bit. Make it grab me, and want to read more.
2) Flat writing. In many places, you've gone basic. 'First this, then that, then so and so made a bird explode somewhere'.
3) Showing vs. Telling: You've got a great deal of information coming at us from narration and not in the form of character dialogue and interactions. Consider relaying more of this from character interactions.
4) You've dropped ponies into a scenario based around a modified 1860's USA. You call it 'United Stables', but you've also used 'American' more than once. You're also using state names verbatim, rather than making pony versions. That's breaking me even further out of the story.
5) Comma abuse. [Reduced to save space]
6) Word choice/awkward phrasings:
soldiers being listening to a superior officer talk.
7) You're having them engage in historical events... sending the baron's son to Manassas? You're following the course of the War, more or less. I'm concerned this is turning into a ponified civil war. You've already mentioned the Underground Railroad, and such.
8) You're making changes to the main OC, but they're happening rapidly and without any major soul searching. It's like a lot is happening behind the scenes; he's going from a spoiled brat, to a pony who's genuinely concerned with the death of 20 pegasi in his father's orchestrated massacre. I'm not seeing anything happen visibly on camera. There's a bit of mildly related navel-gazing, then a brief spurt of dialogue with another character, and.. *poof*! New mentality.

Preferably, I'd like a prompt response. Go as far as you like, I'm not mandating you sit through the whole 15k words. Thank you in advance.
>> No. 82523
File 132866247577.png - (140.85KB , 250x231 , ssf cover.png )
82523
Sorry for the double post; here is my request with all of the required information.

Title: Sunshine Forever
Author: Nug TWH
E-mail: Nughumper69@yahoo.com
Tags: Sad, Adventure, Slice of Life
Synopsis: Follow the mane six as they face the harshest Summer in Equestria's history. Meanwhile,Celestia faces an inner demon that threatens to turn her into a tyrant and destroy natural order with eternal day.I will release weekly updates as regularly as possible. Thanks for reading!
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=category&search=sunshine+forever
Parts: 4 parts (10,756 words)
Comments:

I've already combed through the fic entirely since my response from EqD to improve comma abuse and clarity issues. Complaints that I am unsure how to address are:

- showing vs. telling (mostly applies to the last section of Part II, I'm sure)
- jarring transitions between sections (this was intentional, but perhaps there is a way to accomplish this with more finesse?)

If you'd prefer to review it with me live on Google docs, I can definitely arrange that and would sincerely appreciate your input.
>> No. 82530
>>82482
Acknowledged.
>> No. 82543
File 132866553504.png - (31.19KB , 597x527 , vanner-facehoof.png )
82543
Running Commentary:
Starting off in passive voice immediately annoys me to no end. If past tense was good enough for Vonnegut, Huxley, and JRR Tolkien, it’d good enough for you. As such I shall deliver the rest of this review with a snotty British accent.
>and tail and an unusual pair of eyes,
And, and, and, and. Get to the point and quit running on your sentences.
>"Muffin!" She says happily.
One: ending a sentence with an adverb is poor form. Two: Ending a speech tag with an adverb is lazy writing that tells more than it shows. Three: “she” shouldn’t be capitalized be because it’s part of a complete sentence that includes whatever is in your quotations. This appears to be a pervassive problem, so I won’t mention it again. Just be sure to correct it.
>a frazzled looking
Describing how things look or seem is telling. Instead, show us how they look and let us draw our own conclusions.
>She is slumped forward in her seat
Contestants in jeopardy stand.
>"Grrrr!"
Who says this?
>"How did it get to this?
Italics are the acceptable way to differentiate speech from thought.
>1 Week Earlier
And now you switch to past tense. Luna almighty, at least be consistent.
>her horn starting to glow brightly.
Makes the sentence run on.
>more quickly
Two adverbs in a row mean you get a prize! It’s a bag full of turnips. And wait a second, you’ve switched back into present tense. My god, what the hay man?
>Candid Conjurations and Incredible Incantations,
Book titles are underlined.
>preferring to let her imagination run instead of her legs
Present participles only work when using past tense.
>glances up to see a sight
You described the same thing three times in six words. Bad form.
>Canterlot Castle, her second home
This sentence runs on like a wounded Gazelle.
>The unicorn mare's
Lavender unicorn syndrome at its finest.
>It appears that the owner
Appearing and seeming aren’t ways of describing thing, they’re weasely ways of getting around trying to be precise. Also that sentence runs on.
You’re cramming far to many actions into your sentences in an attempt to be humorous. It’s not working.
>Something was wrong as evident by the quivering lips and eyes about to flow with tears.
Way to tell us something then show it in the same sentence.
>Sweetie Belle is there, Rarity's little sister.
*GASP* Really? Her sister? I think we all know that.
>She says as she goes to her desk
This sentence runs on, then the next two sentences start with “She then.” Vary your sentence structure.
>clapping a hoof to her head, "Of course, why didn't I think of this earlier."
That comma should be a period, and that quote should end with a question mark.
>The beginning of her tirade in interrupted
In should be was. Also that sentence runs on.
>In goes the knife. "I said....chicken." Knife twisted.
Congratulations on using a metaphor in the most horrible way possible.
>More cheers, especially from a particular little orange filly pegasus in the front row.
Remember that everything you write on the page should have weight and meaning. Everything must advance the plot, or reveal character.

Characterization: 8/10. Rainbow Dash acts as you would expect for her to act if she were suddenly smarter than Twilight. Twilight acts like her neurotic self.
Story: 7/10. Clever, except for the gaping plot hole that twilight could have cast the spell on herself again and trounced on Dashie.
Flow: 5/10. Bouncing between past and present tense does not good flow make. Not only that, present tense stories are difficult to read.
Mechanics:6/10. Major mistakes on tense, punctuation, formatting, and run on sentences galore.
Description: 6/10. Your tendency to cram as many actions into a sentence as possible in an attempt at slapstick humor falls flat because you make the sentences unwieldy. Almost all of your descriptions are of the telling variety as well.
Final Score: 32/50. I want to like this story, but the combination of run on sentences, present tense, and multitude of errors that plague this fic make me hate it. The story itself is very clever and easily redeemable, it’s just that the way it’s written is terrible.
>> No. 82550
>>80884

All right, your review is done in my thread

Here: >>82527 (part 1)
Here: >>82547 (part 2)

---

>>81161
I will get to reviewing you tomorrow!
>> No. 82553
File 132866738883.png - (128.13KB , 1171x1279 , vanner-guard.png )
82553
Running Commentary:
In doc

Characterization: 5/10. Your main character is, unsurprisingly, a giant mary-sue. Special abilities, special background, good at a lot things, improbably fighting skills, tragic back-story, the whole lot.
Story: 5/10. I only know the basics of Dark Souls but I can’t even begin to imagine why you would have crossed it over into the Ponyverse. As such, you don’t have a story at the moment, just some idiot in giant armor getting wailed on by ponies.
Flow: 6/10. While your fic flows logically from one idea to the next, you’ve got tensing errors that make you wonder if you’ve missed something.
Mechanics:6/10. Tensing errors are inexcusable.
Description: 7/10. You get bogged down into equipment porn, then go on to using telly descriptions for a while before getting back into he showing.
Final Score: 29/50. I’m not really impressed with this piece. Your main character has no depth and no reason to be invading on the Ponyverse. It feels forced, awkward, and uninteresting all around.
>> No. 82576
>>82553
You review brings many things to light. Thanks for taking the time for it. I will make sure to follow what you suggest and smooth out the story while giving it relevancy.
>> No. 82582
>>80895
So, after the initial critique, I edited up my fic and added a few extra scenes here and there, tidying it up and running it through some friends for any extraneous errors. I would prefer a new reviewer read this for a fresher perspective, but any critique is welcome.

Tags: [Normal][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: David was a bit of an odd pony. His name, his personality, all of it was a bit odd. But the main thing that was odd about him was how average he was at everything else. His blank flank was a testament to his average potential, a scar throughout his life, and something that would consume him for years to come. In a world where everypony is special in someway, what is it like when one of them isn't? But as time went on, and as he experienced love, loss, and everything in between, his final breath was one in a long line that shook the world.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TL97eu_T3w6xV_4Ur4X6zxoEKNTPPysmqDM8UZmXUDI/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1
>> No. 82592
>>82315
>>82247

Hmmm... I'm not sure how exactly TTG works, but it seems a fic is being double reviewed? I looked through the thread and queue and didn't see anyone claim >>80761 so I went to claim it. Turns out the author just added 4 chapters and re-posted the story so in post >>83215 I went and claimed the newer post >>82245. Today I check the queue to find someone had claimed the older post? I'm just confused here.

Anyhow, here is my review of the first 6 chapters of Kindle the Bonfire. [I had a higher opinion of it than Vanner, but I definitely have a bias since I played Dark and Demon's Souls to death. I'd take it with a grain of salt.]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hO15fe78SRiFVJ6YSugtjhfPbKd4gWO0A8Ge7Kc7DMU/edit
>> No. 82599
>>82439
Thanks a million for the review. This is pretty much the first thing I've ever written so the help is very much appreciated. Run-on sentences have always been my downfall, I'll have to make sure to work on that. I fixed the tags, I put those there after I'd written the first chapter and I wasn't exactly sure where I'd be going with it. And I'll definitely try to write more relatable characters in the future, I took that Mary-Sue litmus test for Fate Weaver and the results were discouraging at the best. Once again, thanks a million for the review, I'll make sure to keep it mind while I'm writing.
>> No. 82612
>>82592
I don't know how the ITT works either. Thank you very much for the review. I think your points are extremely important and I will take them into consideration.
>> No. 82692
File 132871833557.png - (77.43KB , 473x439 , Vanner-cowboy.png )
82692
Running Commentary:
Let's talk tags for a second. Adventure is the exact opposite of Slice of Life.
> the cyan pegasus
You're going balls out into Lavender Unicorn Syndrome here. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what
happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies
every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.
> A herd of about a hundred cattle
Run on sentence
> The big stallion took a look...
Back this up to the previous paragraph. then back the next one up to it as well. The old chestnut of "New speaker, new paragraph, every time." doesn't apply if the speaker doesn't actually say something.
After they make the bet you go into a series of single lines. Doesn't really do well for your formatting.
> Her earth pony friend
I'm surprised you haven't choked on your lack of pronouns at this point.
> A beat of her wings and they cyan pegasus glided
they should be the, which shouldn't be cyan pegasus at all. In addition, gliding isn't flying. Also, that sentence runs on.
> beautiful sight form
from
> gagging noises,
You're better off describing the sounds than you are saying things like noises.
Also I've hit on n unfortunate implication here. Cows are shown to be non-society forming sentients, so why are they being driven across the plains for a sale? So the Apple family are slave traders? That's pretty messed up, man.
> Nothing but a scowl across her face after her disgusting incident
incomplete sentence
> thing in common.
even in thoughts, you still need to use commas.
Again, you've got single sentence paragraphs that don't sit well with your formatting.
> apples and apple accessories.
Thank you Hank Hill
> Lazily surveying the scene
That's the third time you use Lazily in two paragraphs. Get thee to a thesaurus.
> Curiosity and boredom
"With curiosity and boredom..."
> The cows looked visibly
Avoid describing the same things twice. In addition, don't tell us how thinks look or appear. Show us how they are.
> that with a response, walking back
Watch your present participles. Writing like that makes events happen simultaneously, and the events in this sentence don't happen simultaneously.
> . A cursory glance the red stallion gave her rations led Rainbow
...what? I think you screwed up this sentence.
> "Be sure ta eat all that,
What's with the return carriaging like a mad man? New Speaker, new paragraph doesn't apply to the same speaker.
> besides fly really. Rainbow
Replace that period with an "and"
> "Hang on Rainbow!" he shouted, digging into his saddlebag as he ran, retrieving a lasso and twirling it expertly above his head while he held it between his teeth.
Jeebus. Run on sentence to start, then you use three present particples in a row making four events happen at the same time. Actually, this is fairly indiciative of my main problem with this piece. You tend to string together a bunch of actions, teying to make everything happen at once. Pacing is part of a good story, and by trying to force everything to happen all together, you lose that sense of "this happen, then this, then this and this happen at the same time."
> feathers don't work when wet.
Not true. Flight feathers work just fine when wet but down feathers don't do their job when they're wet. Assuming standard semi-avian biology, Pegasi would be utterly useless for weather manipulation if they came crashing out of the sky every time they got caught in a bit of rain. It'd look like the Jaggermeister Air Show every time the clouds got a bit flippant.
> your help back there."
I didn't notice this before, so it's entirely possibleyou've been doing this all along, but you need commas when using a "s/he said." This is because sentence with quotes in them are complete sentences, even if what's inside the quote is a complete sentence.
> Trousersnake
What would the antivenin for that be? Plan B?
> he' soon slip
he would
> amount of anti-venom
It's actually antivenin. Don't' ask me why; I didn't come up with this inane language.
>heavy draught
It didn't occur to me before, but every time you use the word "draught," it's wrong. The word you're looking for is "draft." As in "draft horse."
> Mac...you weigh a ton!"
Draft horses frequently weigh at least a ton, yes.
> Or maybe this was that purgatory place some ponies believe in.
Oh, I'd just love to see the tenants of Catholic ponies. Mormons we got (See: Book of Friendship)

Characterization: 9/10. I'd say your characterization for Rainbow is spot on. Big Macintosh seems a bit sarcastic, but I like sarcastic.
Story: 8/10. The classic romance novel set up. Stick two unlikely characters together that don't care for each other, they get hot and heavy before the end of the piece. You lose a point for originality, and another for essentially making RD and Mac into slavers. You monster.
Flow: 7/10. Oy vey. What's with the single sentence paragraphs? And the multiple present participles? I'd also advise varying your words, as reading the same thing repeatedly gets old.
Mechanics: 7/10. Incomplete sentences and run on sentences are your two biggest problems. You also seem to be trigger happy with the return carriage.
Description: 7/10. I'm not getting the feel for the environment, though your descriptions and in jokes are clever enough that it's not that big a problem. Still, once you get to the desert, be sure to add in some lurid descriptions of the environment.
Final Score: 39/50. I found myself liking this piece more than I thought I would. You're building a relationship between the two characters nicely through life and death problems, as well as mundane issues associated with such activities as a cattle drive. Despite the unfortunate implications of the whole thing, it's actually an interesting and fairly okay story. Work on your flow issues, and you'll have a much cleaner story.
>> No. 82696
>>82692
Firstly, thanks for the review!
I only have one pre-reader, and neither of us are classically trained (or trained at all, really) in the fine art of writing. the run on sentences and repetitive words I'll get on correcting (yay live editing!). As far as the cattle slavery goes, it was brought up before, and obviously for the sake of the story was just sort of glossed over. Though I suppose we could overanalyze the place of cattle in Equestrian society for days, if you were willing to suspend your disbelief, I believe others will as well. this fic actually started out as just something I began writing out of the blue one day, and kind of just kept adding to it until it became its own thing. Thanks again though for the advice!
>> No. 82712
>>81161

Ugh... Vanner got this for you. Feel free to stop by my thread if you need a second opinion. Thank you Vanner! (Search Jmozziel, it was my old nick)
>> No. 82718
>>82712
I'd welcome one! I tried to make the corrections he pointed out, so hopefully I got rid of most of the lavender unicorns, run on sentences and such. I'll post in your thread shortly...
>> No. 82734
>>82101
Just noticed. Thanks for picking it up.
>> No. 82738
>>82472

Thanks for your advice! That was actually faster than I was expecting. :P

Yeah, the whole show vs. tell debacle and the whole issue of "telling" is something that I just recently learned about from EQD, and thus I'm still trying to figure it out. I'll look at other people's fics and try to do some ground research.

I also need to work on Sweetie's character, and you've opened up my eyes as to where I went somewhat wrong there.

I'll also make sure to extensively take your other comments and suggestions into account, and have a revised version up later. Thanks again!
>> No. 82762
Chapter 2 needs review.

Tags: Normal, Grim (but not dark?), Crossover, Adventure, Sci-Fi

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O1uOCeRzIn4_usG51w3Ixmp-jyjOo8UdMPQi-Op-KCk/edit?hl=en_US

Synopsis: Synopsis: Sergeant Rainbow Dash has graduated at the top of her class and has been given the exclusive honor to join Wonderbolt squad, an elite team of SpecOp troops stationed on Ord Mantell. To her, this is just a new opportunity to fight for the Republic (and a little personal glory, as well) but she soon finds out that the battlefield is not for the weak of spirit. Will she need to rely on the help of a shady smuggler type, who won't seem to leave her alone, to stay active on the field? Or will her personal pride prevent her from performing at her best, leading to her untimely death?

Comments: Chapter 2 in my new series. Chapter 1 has been reviewed, I've just not posted this here to be reviewed yet.
>> No. 82778
File 132874158673.png - (673.43KB , 1218x1180 , Reviewer\'s Creed.png )
82778
>>82765

AssAssinAtions in progress:

Sparky | | | | 12/29/2011 | In Fragments | James Corck | >>74834
Kurbz | | | | 12/30/2011 | Flying High, Falling Hard | soundslikeponies | >>74994
Split Infinitive | | | | 1/13/2012 | The Exchange | Solitair | >>77730
Uma | | | | 1/15/2012 | The Rise of Harmony | SpaceKing | >>78010
Eustatian | | | | 1/18/2012 | PonyPuff | Leo Archon | >>78596
TimeForKronos | | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Chowderhead | | | | 1/19/2012 | Void | Damocl | >>78822
Eustatian | | | | 1/19/2012 | Upon Wings of Sacrifice | Rated PonyStar | >>79019
Casca | | | | 1/21/2012 | Skating Lessons | Sonic Rainblast | >>79249
Eustatian | | | | 1/21/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
Anonymous | | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
Isphone | | | | 1/26/2012 | Reclaiming Ponyland | Margos | >>79897
108Echoes | | | | 1/27/2012 | The Horn That Creates the Heavens | MegaTank | >>80357
Science Brony | | | | 1/31/2012 | The Stars and the Ponies | Edmar Fecler | >>81042
Chowderhead | | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
Sir Duke | | | | 2/2/2012 | Caveat Emptor | Brony Z-Ro | >>81369


AssAssinAtions that have been claimed but not yet acknowledged by the city’s AssAssin’s bureau:

Grif | >>82461 | | | 1/7/2012 | Whiplash | Molotov Cocktail | >>76726
EJN | >>82384 | | | 1/17/2012 | Draconequus | cheezesauce | >>78626
Vanner | >>82423 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/21/2012 | In The Beginning | Mason al'Cat | >>79176
Pascoite | >>82340 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Tick-Tock Goes The Clock (A My Little Pony / Doctor Who crossover) | Dext | >>80253
Vanner | >>82439 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
Casca | >>81488 | 2/3/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Capes | Triscy | >>79713
Vimbert | >>81482 | 2/2/2012 | | 1/27/2012 | A God Among Mares | Fearless Pie | >>80414
Vanner | >>82543 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/29/2012 | Twenty Percent Smarter | Richtus | >>80779
Lunar Shadow | >>82547 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/30/2012 | Sail By Night | Papyra Scribe | >>80884
Lightsideluc | >>81141 | 2/1/2012 | | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
Applejinx | >>81237 | 2/2/2012 | | 2/1/2012 | Skating Lessons | Sonic Rainblast | >>81227
Split Infinitive | >>81361 | 2/2/2012 | | 2/2/2012 | The outing at canterlot | Leochingu | >>80725
Dromer | >>81999 | 2/5/2012 | | 2/4/2012 | A Ponyville Anthology | Mister Man | >>81823
Ezn | >>82168 | 2/6/2012 | | 2/6/2012 | Success and Envy | RingmasterJ5 | >>82161

Lives that have yet to be claimed:

| | | | 1/18/2012 | The Last Elements | RavensDagger | >>78715
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>79352
| | | | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
| | | | 1/30/2012 | The Quiet Place | Aynine | >>80806
| | | | 2/1/2012 | The Ballad of Asgard | Harkness | >>81192
| | | | 2/1/2012 | When the Guardians Fall | Rachomachus | >>81206
| | | | 2/1/2012 | The Price of Grace | Sparkle | >>81211
| | | | 2/2/2012 | Ties That Bind | Seleen | >>81001
| | | | 2/2/2012 | Real Police Mares of Ponyville | starlitomega | >>81424
| | | | 2/3/2012 | Through the Eyes of the Hurricane | Impossible Numbers | >>81505
| | | | 2/4/2012 | Ponies on a Plane | Tartdefiance | >>81706
| | | | 2/4/2012 | A Dash of Magic | Zaiker42 | >>81711
| | | | 2/5/2012 | Tales of Earthquake Island | Keyframe | >>81941
| | | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
| | | | 2/5/2012 | The Story of Star Swirl the Bearded | Faindragon | >>82027
| | | | 2/5/2012 | Out of Context | Nuke_Equestria | >>82119
| | | | 2/5/2012 | Enabling | Starwind Dood and Your Antagonist | >>82127
| | | | 2/7/2012 | Derpy Happens | outlaw4rc | >>82498
| | | | 2/7/2012 | A Cloud Divided | Dromer | >>82515
| | | | 2/7/2012 | Sunshine Forever | Nug TWH | 82523
| | | | 2/7/2012 | Mark of the World | Jumplion | >>82582
| | | | 2/8/2012 | My Little Old Republic | AidanMaxwell | >>82762
>> No. 82779
>>80754

Hi, folks. EQ Daily sent me here. I have no idea *why*. They said they loved my fanfic, but there were spelling and tense errors, and some sentences 'can be expanded on or reworded to make this truly shine.'

I've done multiple passes on the story and I can't find any problems (nor can my spellchecker). But EQ Daily sent me here. I have no idea why you would help a stranger but I'll give it a try.

Title: My Little Pony -- Hackers with Hooves, Ep. 1: Bright Eyes, Big Filly
Author: Remus Shepherd (remus@panix.com)
Tags: Spinoff, comedy.
Description: In this cyberpunk spin-off series for teenagers, Spark Runner and his friends detect that a powerful magic has come to Fillydelphia. They meet a bewildering pink pony that every criminal in the city seems to be after. Will they discover her secrets before the pony mafia or the terrorists do?
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YLzmV0Hg7wo4PGRJIiYn_JQXJFY3fmqz1n90JLyzxcU/edit

Your 'How to' suggests that I include the comments of the EQ Daily pre-readers, so here goes:

***

Dear Remus Shepherd,

Hello! Thanks for submitting to Equestria Daily. I'll be reviewing your fanfic today, so let me dive right in. You'll find the issues below:

1) That title image.
2) Tense issues.
3) Spelling issues.
4) I feel like some sentences can be expanded on or reworded to make this truly shine.

That's about it. How can you fix them?

1) Remove the title image.
2) Ponychan.
3) Ponychan!
4) P-P-P-Ponychan!

They can probably alert you to other errors that I may have missed, so hit them up and get some fixing done. Also, I just wanted to say that the song
between Engel and Pinkie Pie was probably the greatest thing I've read all day. That was... incredibly genius, and I loved every word of it. Seriously, fix this and get it up to par because I'm loving this.

Oh yeah, I shared this with another pre-reader and he thought the party mix up was golden. He asked me to brohoof you through the internet, so... *brohoof*

Sincerely,
Pre-reader A1X3

***

(Note: The title image has been removed. I'm confused, though, because EQ asks for an image to be submitted with fanfics. But I'll ask them about that.)

All help is appreciated. Thanks!
>> No. 82805
>>81211
>>82027
Claim. I'll be doing line-by-line on neither of these. I will, however, point out consistent grammatical mistakes. Expect these (hopefully) later today, but Friday at the latest.
>> No. 82808
Reminder, I only know PowerPuff Girls Z, so my understanding of the characters might be a little odd.

Prologue:

Utterly dull. Why waste the readers' time with physical descriptions of characters you're about to turn into ponies anyway? I suggest skipping the whole thing and instead weaving backstory into the main story as required.

I think this is all the PR looked at. I know it's all I would have.

Chapter One:

Much better. In fact, it's pretty good, good enough to keep me working on it for a while. The faults aren't what the PR said, though.

You'll need more than Puffs-are-now-Ponies to make a great story. At the moment, it's just okay. My hope is that it turns into a Puff episode in Ponyville, but if you have something else up your sleeves, that's okay.

Either way, you need to give the reader more plot up front. Without seeing more of the story, I can't say how to do that. I think my suggestion to extend the "we're now ponies" scene is likely to be valid, but you might have to work the main plot into the "meeting the M6" parts, or even cut them.

(sad, I know, but you should see how much I'm cutting and rearranging my own fic now. Makes Cupcakes look like a little tattoo--sorry, that was gross)

Prose-wise, you don't have as much a show-tell problem as a problem of things being phrased in awkward, roundabout ways, much to the confusion and consternation---

You must be clear. You're not near good enough to write clever-mess prose, but that's no real loss, since few authors are.

I didn't dig into your grammar. It's wrong in spots (mostly comma use) but not conspicuously so. Come back for a grammar tune up before resubmitting. If you're good at self-teaching, read up on the difference between restrictive and non-restrictive clauses and phrases.

For further examples and ideas, I've marked up a copy of ch 1. It's not exhaustive -- as I am exhausted -- but I hope it points you in a better direction than my blathering

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16FHTKerXaMI6iUP5S5_M8x89vd1joiHAcMtRSbUIim4/edit?hl=en_US

shorter phrasing, dialog attribution, paragraph composition, eh, not sure what else is in there.


Also, love your cover. Kudos to the artist.
>> No. 82816
So, I have two problems

1.) I don't know if this is the right post for this or not, and

2.) I fail (badly) at creating legible plot lines. I can usually come up with a reasonable synopsis for a story, but when I start writing it the whole thing just goes straight to hell. So, what should I do? What are some good tips for constructing a plot line without it failing sadly or just turning into a barely coherent mess?

And if this isn't the right post, please direct me to a post where I can receive help for this dilemma. Thanks for, well, anything you have to offer!
>> No. 82822
File 132875111076.png - (70.92KB , 715x1118 , moon_shade_by_bamboodog-d3kl00x.png )
82822
>>81211
Before you read this, it should be noted that I have a soft spot for political intrigue and stories on revolution. That being said, this is by far the most well-designed story I have read in a while. You understand how to write, and build a compelling world and there is little I can do for you at this point.

There is one complaint I have, however: Celestia should certainly be able to realize, or at the very least connect, that Sweetcorn is Discord/Angry Spirit. She doesn't have to believe it, but she should certainly entertain the thought. Second, I'd consider having Celestia realize that the note could be planted, however I'd enjoy it much more if the thought hadn't occurred to her because Gaia had not taught her of subterfuge.
Also, I'm spotting some inconsistencies between American and European spelling.

Aside from that, keep writing.
>> No. 82835
>>82816
And by story, I mean fics of course. I only write fanfiction.
>> No. 82849
Tags: [Grimdark][Adventure]

Synopsis: When tensions between Equestria and Aviatia, the homeland of the gryphons, escalate to violence, Princess Celestia sends Twilight Sparkle on a mission of diplomacy to try and ease the hostilities between the two races. However, when something happens to Twilight, her friends must embark on an expedition to save her friend and possibly even bring Equestria back from the brink of war.

Link:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bKiji_7hwRk29vgbASlR-7zFndAlQpK0maNFNNb4oe4/edit?hl=en_US

Comments: I don't have a particular reviewer in mind, though I'd like to have someone who's fairly established around here as EqD often asks for the name of the reviewer if I have to quote the review to them and it would help to have someone they know. I'm most worried about my dialogue staying in-character and a few of my word choices. I'm fairly confident about my grammar/spelling on most parts of the story, and I think I've got more show than tell. However, I also (according to most prereaders on my previous failed stories) seem to have a problem with inadvertent passive voice usage, so look out for that especially. That should be it, thanks in advance!
>> No. 82850
>>82822
That's StoryForge's thing (another /fic/ thread). I don't have any experience over there, so I can't tell you how good it is.

But, I'll say this: people create through construction or discovery, and one style is much easier than the other for most people.

Constructers start with a plan and have the natural self-discipline to stick to them. You'd have to ask one of them how to develop that talent.

I discover stories, so I start with character traits and imagining how they might conflict with each other. That gives me little moments of intense emotion, and then I play connect-the-dots. Plot comes together in revision, which also offers new awesome moments to add to the mix. I'm still tweaking my first story (at least you can read an edition on FiMFiction from beginning to end) and have two others that are gathering scenes, two that are drafted but horrify me, and a couple more concepts floating in my mind.

Start short and very simple. The most important thing is to resolve a conflict. Parts of a story are okay, too, as long as they do that.

Short, complete: The time Twilight Sparkle was held back a year.
Short, part of a bigger story: Daring-Do gets a parking ticket.

Something like that. The first few story ideas come hardest.

---

Status:

I'm going to do something fun with R Rated's story, that I'm sure will be entertaining and informational and hopefully worth a wait

The Elements of Prose are Continuity, Impact, Insight, Synthesis, Wordcraft, and a sixth Element that is yet unknown.

But, real life strikes again, so I think Imperious will have better luck back on the queue.

Relinquishing Ravenspire.
>> No. 82857
>>82543

Thanks for the reivew! I'll try and make the corrections soon. But there was no reason to be an asshole about it. No one forced you to read the story.
>> No. 82869
File 132877711838.png - (73.15KB , 125x121 , 132816761233s.png )
82869
>>81488
>>79713
First, an apology. This is the longest time I've taken for a review of one chapter, and I hope that it will be justified by its helpfulness to you.

Second, a reminder: I'm no writing deity. Take my advice with a pinch of salt. I should think that most of my arguments make sense, though not so much for the later part of the fic, because of disinterest lack of continuity and RL.

Now, a warning: I'm going to be awful blunt. I did not like this chapter very much. It's not the idea that you've presented in the chapter - Trixie meets the Mayflowers, and thus begins her second chance - but, well, almost everything else.

Editable, line by line: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13lBuajzwAE6i4IspVUd58M4PrVncTdjjWMzgVsYZCVc/edit?hl=en_GB

Now, to summarize what went wrong:

First off, Trixie. She's swinging back and forth between mean, canon Trixie, and some other softer Trixie. This is not a problem - the issue that that there's no link between the two. There's no insight into transitional thought, no obvious response to the impetus for change (the Mayflowers' kindness), just "Trixie is like so" and "Trixie is like that".

On one hand, Trixie holding on to her obnoxiousness will keep the story going on. On the other hand, Trixie holding on to her obnoxiousness after months of harsh living is, frankly, stupid on her behalf.

One one hand, Trixie giving in to kindness will end the story a lot quicker. On the other hand, Trixie giving in makes sense.

The main issue with Trixie redemption fics, I have come to believe, is navigating between the two end-points. Right now, it seems like you've got them in mind, but without the middle, and you have her be one or the other depending on convenience to the plot. It's not natural. It's not organic.

I've suggested ways for you to remedy that in-doc.

Of other concern is how you summarize her days in bed, which, really, is the period in which the spark of change should start. A day-per-chapter look at Trixie swimming in her tortured subconscious would be more interesting than her looking at flowers with a couple of foals, and more importantly it would work much better in explaining how Trixie's personality has begun to change.

The Mayflowers. Whatever issue I have with them are in-doc. I can't remember all of it, but here's the list so far:

1) navigating accents
2) the foals are too quick to accept the greatness of Trixie's sunflower story
3) Buckwheat's threat-into-attempt at kindness doesn't feel natural

Show-vs-tell issues are rampant in this one. I've marked out almost every instance, I think.

A couple more logical fallacies here and there, writing polishes, even basic dialogue punctuation errors at the end of the chapter.

It's okay, though - that's what reviewers are here for, to show you where you can improve.

Here's what I'd like you to do:

After looking at the issues and reasons in-doc, apply what you've learnt to Chapter 2, the last chapter to review so far. You've waited 2 weeks or so before I claimed yours, I think, so you should be mentally prepared for this. Go over Chapter 2 with a scalpel, delete as many instances of redundant description/narration as you can find, logical fallacies, inconsistencies and whatnot. Get it fixed up based on your own knowledge, and then give me an email.

I'll still help you with future chapters, of course. I'm not here to tell you it's bad, I'm here to tell you why. I think. Hehe.

Anyhow, yep, please do consider these. Au revoir.
>> No. 82874
>>82822
Thank you very much for your comments. I have another question, however. Why do you think my fic isn't catching on? It got through EqD pre-readers without a hitch, but for some reason, it is greeted with enormous indifference. Is it simply too long/complexly written?
>> No. 82880
>>82874
A lot of times, what the fandom does or doesn't like is based less on writing quality and more on the general plot. That's why you see so many Twixie fics that people adore. It's really annoying actually.
>> No. 82899
>>82880
The right idea at the right time.
>Real world example
Microsoft intorduces a tablet computer in 2000? NOBODY CARES.
Apple shows off their over-priced propietary version? EVERYBODY JIZZES.
>> No. 82914
>>82340

Thanks to Pascoite for his very thorough review of Chapter 1 of "Tick Tock goes the clock" (now renamed "The carnival of chaos" and uploaded to FimFiction).

Pascoite, would it be alright to contact you with questions regarding the review?
>> No. 82919
>>82899
Kind of a bad example when you consider that there's a very good reason the Tablet PC didn't catch on. When it comes to quality of the experience, the iPad is vastly superior in practically every way. /derail
>> No. 82923
>>80357
Broad mechanical issues first, then broad plot/characterization/style issues, then lines, then final thoughts.


Your title: Style guides have disagreements on how to capitalize titles (google “title caps” or similar to check various rulesets), but you should probably go ahead and capitalize “that.”

You’re inconsistent on your formatting. Every paragraph needs a space on both sides.

Cut it out with all the ellipses (...). Use commas or periods, or nothing. If one character is interrupting another character, the proper punctuation is an em dash (—), not an ellipsis. A very few of your ellipses can be retained, but right now you’re way overdoing it. I’d much rather see too few than too many.

Use the verb “said” for your dialogue attributions, with very few exceptions. Go ahead and use “asked” when appropriate; same goes for “shouted,” “yelled,” etc. “Whispered” may see occasional use. Don’t use other words. Especially don’t use other words when they are not true. You’ve an especial fondness for “explained,” which you keep using even when the character in question isn’t actually, y’know, [i]explaining anything. Examples:
>“Simon, I might be able to help you. But I’ll need you to come with me,” Twilight explained.
>“I’m afraid so,” Simon explained.
>“Just stay here, Simon. I’ll go see what’s going on,” Twilight explained.
And so forth.

Use more pronouns in your dialogue attributions. Almost all of them are in the form “[Name] said” rather than “[he or she] said,” and the repetition makes your prose very stiff.

You’ve done a good job in attributing your dialogue (too many names, but we always know who’s talking), but it gets a little talking heads-y. You’ve got character actions interspersed, which gives bodies to those heads, but I’d like a few actions to be more anchored in the setting.

You have occasional confusion between “its” and “it’s” during your fight scene. “Its” is a possessive; “it’s” is a contraction of “it is.”

Either use “Damn it” with a space, or “Dammit” with a double em.

You have minor inconsistencies in your POV: you’re not being particularly dedicated to either Twilight’s or Simon’s POV, and you switch between the two in the middle of scenes. Pick one and bring it. (You can switch which POV you use, but do it in between scenes.)

Twilight’s too knowledgeable and too trusting. She immediately realizes Simon is from another world, and she believes Simon about everything. My standard assumption in her situation would be, “He’s suffered some sort of brain damage; he’s lost his memory and is acting erratically.” Or the much simpler, much more succinct, “He’s completely crazy.”

You have a timeskip here which is not fully explained. It’s three years post–FiM-canon but you mention that once and gloss over everything that happened during those three years with a bare summary: Twi made a teleporter for her grad project, she went back to Canterlot, and she’s been out of touch with her friends since then.

Speaking of which, what? Why hasn’t she kept in touch with her friends? That’s an extraordinarily serious flaw in your characterization of Twilight.

I’m not a huge fan of Simon’s characterization, either. Aside from calling out for Nia a couple times and the bit at the end, he doesn’t seem all that concerned with his friends or his new situation. He’s also lacking in that bombast which marks him (and Kamina, and TTGL in general, really). You say you used to have some of that but took it out; I’d advise putting at least a little of it back in. Do be careful, however, that you justify it. The reason TTGL works is that all of its insanity, all of its excess and action and yelling and shouting and all that, is grounded in the universe. An immediate transplant of TTGL-style crazy to FiM will not work, as seen in the pre-reader’s reaction to this line:
>”You have magic that’s not only unlike any other I’ve ever felt, but a lot more powerful than most other ponies by far.”
and also in your reaction to the pre-reader. Yes, Simon uses spiral power to do crazy stuff. But you know what? The pre-reader was one hundred percent correct to react in the way he or she reacted, because this line does read as ridiculously Sue-y.
Simon is not a Sue in TTGL, no one’s arguing that, but this isn’t TTGL anymore. The show doesn’t start with a random digger-kid suddenly gaining the power to teleport-punch by yelling really loudly. We don’t go directly from car-sized mech to universe-sized mech. There’s growth there, an arc which you haven’t developed. Since you’re taking Simon from the middle of the Anti-Spiral battle you can’t go through the whole arc, but you do need to ease him into FiM with more subtlety. I think one thing you should probably do is give Simon more difficulty with his magic: when he first gets Lagann, he’s got no idea how to use it and it keeps crapping out on him. Even when he does get it right, it’ll stop working right after the fight’s over. Those early episodes have Simon doing a lot of running, and while you’re using post-skip Simon, magic is just as new to him as Lagann was.

The little summaries you’ve got—”Well, it’s a long story...” and “But that’s not the whole story.”—aren’t executed well. They’re extraordinarily dry and don’t illuminate much of Simon’s motives or characterization. TTGL fans don’t need them and non-fans don’t want them, at least not in their current form.

That whole segment where Twilight helps Simon learn to walk? Doesn’t work. You’ve got the option of handwaving (hoofwaving?) Simon’s dexterity as a side effect of whatever ponified him in the first place, that’s, like, something you can do. Or else (my preferred action) actually make that scene matter. It feels like you just put it in as a half-hearted attempt to satisfy the pre-reader, because that’s totally what it is. If you want to do it, do it. Think of how hard physical therapy is, and actually make Simon have to work to adjust to his new form. Or axe that bit completely, because this half-hearted thing doesn’t work for me at all. Simon has, like, twenty minutes of wobbles and then he’s out jumpin’ around and drillin’ robots and everything is smooth.
>> No. 82924
Specific lines:
>The type of magic a pony has depends greatly on their lifestyle, particularly their special talent
Singular/plural disagreement (a pony/their). Fine in colloquial speech, but this is Teacher!Twilight speaking
>Most of the ponies weren't even remotely interested in what she was saying.
Show/tell
>Judging by the looks on the student’s faces
Show/tell
>still growing you know.
still growing, you know. Your mechanics are generally good, but you’ve missing commas here and there.
>Twilight admitted, sighing and placing her quill on the table
This construction requires the actions to be simultaneous, and sighing and speaking at the same time doesn’t quite work.
>letter of rese...
letter of resi—
>now pacing
Since when has she been pacing?
>your friends
our friends?
>both a lot of magical power and the ability to use teleportation spells, both of which
Repetition of “both”
>she her ears perked up
she perked her ears
>Twilight had learned the ability to sense magical auras a few years ago, but it usually only worked at a short distance, unless the magic was extremely powerful.
Exposition
>computers
Sudden tech jump
>the device
What sort of device would this be?
>by far
Since you’re also discussing location and distance (“not too far from Canterlot”), I’d pick a different phrase to avoid confusion.
>a map as a field
a map—a field
>Wait Twilight
Wait, Twilight
>said before
said, before
>arms, he had
arms, and he had
>but to no avail
This phrase is rather archaic and not recommended
>Simon also noticed his side was adorned by a dark blue circle, with a spiral running inside that had a brighter hue coming from the centre.
This description isn’t very clear. If the reader isn’t familiar with TTGL, this is entirely opaque.
>Your cutie mark has nothing to do with digging
Many cutie marks are metaphorical, or have non-obvious meanings.
>Simon conceded, grabbing Twilight’s hoof.
Simon said, and grabbed Twilight’s hoof. Use “said” rather than alternatives, and watch your simultaneity. “But why” doesn’t happen at the same time as grabbing her hoof.
>rubbing his face with his hooves.
This action doesn’t really make sense off the bat. Is he itchy? Trying to hide tears?
>trying to soothe his headache by rubbing his head with a hoof.
Redundant
>you make
did you make/you made (Also, this line comes off as oddly sarcastic.)
>Spike stop!
Spike, stop!
>Number one Assistant
Number one assistant would probably be best. Initial caps on all three words if you’re particularly attached.
>is Equestria?
is ‘Equestria’?
>time anyway
time, anyway
>gasped., closing her eyes
gasped, (and standard surprise or fear response is widening your eyes, not closing them
>least I think
least, I think
>forelegs and etc.
forelegs, and etc. You’ve previously used the Oxford comma, so be consistent.
>as Simon removed himself from the machine.
So it just needed that quick read?
>I’ve encountered some pretty strange things in my time. And I don’t think you’d have any reason to lie to me.
Twilight disbelieves a lot of things—Zecora’s evilness, curses, Pinkie Sense—all of which were told to her by people she trusts. This immediate acceptance of Simon’s crazy story is tremendously OoC for her.
>“...violent?”
How does he know this was the word she was going to use? That wouldn’t have been my immediate thought.
>either.” Twilight explained.
either,” Twilight said.
>Oh come
Oh, come
>the other way to Spike
the other way
>there was no doubt in Twilight’s mind that something serious had just taken place here
No duh.
>Twilight used her magic to put out the remaining fires, then looked for any signs of life.
Should these two be reordered?
>out, listening out for signs of movement or a response. But none came.
out. She listened for signs of movement or a response, but none came.
>The source of the screaming had also vanished.
The screaming had also stopped.
>anyway; was
anyway—was
>pitch black
pitch-black
>Uhm...hello?
Uhm... hello?
>teleport to behind
teleport behind
>It’s a machine... a machine with one purpose.
This is a sudden leap. I mean, even if it’s primarily a weapon, that doesn’t mean that’s all it does.
>high pitched
high-pitched
>now galloping
Since when?
>another weaker
another, weaker
>used to opening
used the opening
>but to no avail.
Doesn’t work any better the second time.
>anti-spiral
Should probably be capitalized—“Anti-Spiral”—since that’s what you’ve done elsewhere.
>again, only this
again, but this
>almost all the way
deep
>hoof. “You
hoof, “are you
>down however
down, though

The last big elephant in the room: your fight scene isn’t working. This scene is the heart of your chapter one, and right now it’s boring. It’s tough to say exactly why that’s so (the term je ne sais quoi comes to mind), but here’s my fumbling attempts to vocalize what’s flawed and how you might go about fixing it.

>Stop using words/phrases like “suddenly,” “fortunately,” “unfortunately,” “however,” and “appeared to be.”
They’re tell-words rather than show-words. They don’t do a whole lot of describing; they’re too... I’m not sure. Too easy? “Suddenly” and “appeared to be,” at least, are obviously lacking in concreteness. Concrete details are good.

>Don’t use so many gerunds.
That’s the -ing form of the verb. The constructions “she verbed, verbing” and “verbing, he verbed” require that the two actions be simultaneous, and you’ve gotten that right for the most part, so that’s good. However, many of your gerunds are phrased as cause and effect: “She did this, causing this to happen.” In the fight scene especially, this is distancing. It feels very clinical, very... I don’t know. It’s not a construction which brings me into the action.

>Anchor your actions in the setting.
Check a few action movies: the really good fight scenes make use of the setting. People duck around pillars or climb on top of tables, they leap forward as a flock of doves flies in front of them, they integrate action and location. In writing, nothing exists until you write it, so without anchoring action in location your characters are fighting in a featureless void. (And even if your characters are fighting in a featureless void, including some reaction to their bizarre surroundings would probably be a good move.)

>Be less wordy.
Prime example: “There were several small fires still burning leaving a smell of smoke in the air, and the normally pristine paving had been seriously damaged, which had left large holes in the stonework, while pieces of rubble littered the rest of the courtyard.”
You’ve got description of setting, which is good, but it’s presented in this one big leaden lump of a sentence. (You’re also missing a comma between “burning” and “leaving,” but fixing that is not going to improve this sentence.)

Fight scenes should be high-energy and straightforward. There’s a fair bit of Latinate vocabulary throughout your scene—not this line so much, but the rest—and Latin isn’t so good at either of those. Anglo-Saxon it up a bit; it’s a much punchier vocab. There’s a reason all the good obscenities are Germanic in origin, y’know?
>> No. 82977
>>82923
>50,000,000 problems
>>82924
>50,000,000,000 more problems.

Is this even worth retrying? All I've gotten is countless things I did wrong and nothing telling me it's even worth salvaging.
>> No. 82981
>>82977
I don't know. Is it? It's your work. For me, were it my work, I'd keep trying until it shone. UNTIL IT SHONE LIKE THE STARS! DON'T BELIEVE IN YOUR FIC. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF WHO BELIEVES IN YOUR FIC. YOUR FIC IS THE FIC THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS.

Or something.
>> No. 82982
>>82977
Whether or not a fic is "worth salvaging" is up to the writer.
>> No. 82989
Well I was kind of hoping for a little help deciding. Nothing really explains whether the fic is actually any good.

It just kind of kills my moxie when it feels like people see reading it as a chore...
>> No. 82997
>>82914
Yes, you can respond with questions via post here or email. If what you want is reviewing of further chapters, well, then, you're at the mercy of my schedule and may get a much quicker response from the general queue.
>> No. 83029
>>82849
I shall gladly take on this fic and review it. Unless you'd rather have someone else do it of course.
>> No. 83040
>>82849
Disclaimer: I in no way represent the whole of /fic/ or anyone other then myself. Nothing I say is meant as an insult, personal or otherwise.

Now to get to the review...

The beginning could be better. It seems extremely uninteresting, I suggest adding a few more interesting words to catch readers attention. The shift manager, Iron, seems to need work, even the most minor characters must seem realistic. My problem with Iron is how he seems to have no heart or moral conscious at all. What's more is that when the griffons first landed he was dead afraid, then he switched to anger? Where is the transition? Try describing Iron's voice sometime, like the actual tone he uses.

However I did like the details put into when Iron was killed.

>...up around her eyes her coat was still a brilliant white.

Needs a comma between "her eyes" and "her coat"

>“I’m glad you were able to come on such short notice. And your friends?”

These two sentences could and should be one, conjoined with a comma.

>I was in the middle of a very good encyclopedia about the scientific titles of insects when your letter arrived.

This sounds OOC (Out Of Character) from Twilight. She adores her mentor and she wouldn't normally speak to her that way. Also she could have brought the book on the journey, why didn't she?

>“Well, that’s all well and good, but what is this assignment in the first place?”

Same issue as before... Twilight wouldn't talk to Celestia that way. There aren't many things that take the enjoyment out of a fic more then OOC lines.

>Whatever conflicts there were happened recently.

I suggest rewording the sentence, also happened needs to change to happening since they aren't talking about some long gone event it needs to be modern tense.

>If supply was choked

Add 'the' between 'if' and 'supply'

Also Spike is not the kind of dragon to go around sneaking to find a few gems. He is sensitive and kind, the behavior you portray him doing is completely OOC

>...just beginning to fill his stomach fill.

Erase the fill at the end of the sentence. I am going to assume this was a typo.

Also I found it very ironic that, even after proving countless times they worked better together, Celestia says Twilight has to go alone. Even weirder is that Twilight puts up almost no fight whatsoever, again an OOC move.

There done and the end, I have to say was disappointing. Unless I'm missing something saying, "Thank you" at the end of a chapter does not make a reader eager to read the next chapter.


Now for the actual story part. The general basis of this story can be interesting, however it does need large amounts of work. But an interesting story nonetheless.

Again you have a lot of OOC moments and times where I couldn't tell if the characters were talking or not except by the punctuation.

You made multiple grammar mistakes and typo's that a simple read over would have fixed. It seems like you have some work ahead of you, but there are gems to be found in this story. What you do well, you do extremely well. Like a few parts of the story where the details are so great I can really see it, like when you first describe the Griffon attackers.

But overall it needs work, it is enjoyable but not as much as it could be.
>> No. 83056
>>83040

Like I said, I knew my In-characterness would be bad. That's partially why I've written mainly OCs in past stories. Most of the issues with commas sounded right in my head, but when I read them again aloud they do seem off, you're right about that.

My justification for Spike was that, as shown if the show itself, he doesn't have the best of judgements when it comes to most material objects. He definitely didn't behave very kindly in "Owl's Well that Ends Well" nor "Secret of my Excess", though I suppose the latter was for magical reasons more than personality traits.

I'll see what I can do with the OOC language parts. I forgot to mention it, but you brought up the ending: I am absolutely AWFUL at endings and time transitions, even just endings to chapters. I've been trying to work on it but I'm just plain... not good, I suppose. The problem with the end is that I don't have any plot twists planned any time soon, and the next major scene will probably be >=1,000 words, and I don't want to add that much to the first chapter as I have a plan sketched up for the events that go down in each and that'll throw it all off. If you can think of a more interesting way to end that scene, be my guest to suggest it because it'll take some brainstorming to figure it out myself.

Also, yeah, I'm not sure what to do about the other five not going. Part of the story is going to be them trying to actually figure out what happened to Twilight, and if they all went along and were there when Twi gets [REDACTED]'d it would throw a wrench into a lot of it.

So, my to-do list, from easiest to hardest:
> Fix those grammatical errors you mentioned and run another check for more
> Better describe and fix the mood swings on Iron
> Amend the OOC portions with more formal dialogue from Twilight
> Extend Twilight's argument against her friends staying to at least a good bit longer.
> Come up with something to do with spike, maybe some other mischief unrelated to hunger? I could always have him discover the gem accidentally just wandering around, bored. Gonna be hard because it requires almost a full rewrite of that section.
> Come up with a better ending. Definitely gonna be the hardest for me. Perhaps I could add another, short-ish segment with Omen reporting to the king and perhaps establishing his position in Aviatia, which I don't have a great way to go about doing anyway. That sounds just crazy enough to work...

Anyway, many thanks for the review
>> No. 83057
Title: The Element of Steam (but that may change)
Author Name: RavensDagger
email address: Mr.Chicken501@gmail.com
Tags: Adventure, Sad, Steampunk,
Synopsis:
Equestria, ruled by the all powerful lord Blueblood, is feeling the need for revolution. A Royal navy ship finds and destroys The Crusader. A ship owned by three young mares. Now split the three try to join once more despite the turmoil caused by a world in change.

List of links to the story:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0Bx65Ym3EjzmLMTcyOWEwMWMtMmU4YS00YTVmLWFjZTYtMzY2YjJiZmU1MzMw
Comments/requests:
Although the first few chapters are over I feel as if I could use some help over some help with the refining of it. Parts are kinda jarring at places and I am having difficulty describing some of the heavier action.
If possible an editor familiar with the Steampunk genre would be great!
Also an editor that sticks around would be great... I’d like to have someone to talk to over parts of the plot.
Thank you!
>> No. 83058
>>83056
Ya, that sounds about right.

As to Spike, in secret of my excess it's about magic.

In owl's well that ends well it is primarily the threat of being replaced. Spike is a fully functioning and thinking character. He has plenty of control and thus would not go about stealing gems.

And ya, that's a good ending, where omen reports back, or maybe they have spies in the castle through certain ponies and they expect Twilight? or something.

But the current ending sounds like just that, an ending. When I first read it I skipped to the end and seriously thought it was a one shot.
>> No. 83060
>>82977
In my admittedly limited time as a reviewer, I've seen some pretty terrible stories, and I am quite dedicated to my belief that any story—even the terrible ones—can be made good.

Despite all my criticisms, your fic isn't on my list of terrible stories. I'm harsh with things because I think it's better to be excessively harsh and let the author decide where I'm being overzealous than to be lenient. I kind of expect the author to disagree with and ignore some of my critiques, so I go for excessive and let the author dial the fixes back down.

Your story is mediocre, maybe, but it's not terrible, and you could make it really good. Whether you continue this particular story or not is up to you, of course, but I do hope you'll continue to write—if not this story, then something else..
>> No. 83068
>>83060

Well, thanks for your feedback. In the end, I just don't feel ready to make this story what it deserves to be, strange as that may sound.

I thought the jump into the world of crossovers wouldn't be too difficult with something fairly simple like TTGL, but perhaps not.

I put a lot of thought and heart into this story (I pretty much had the whole thing planned out), and one day I hope I can see it through. Until then, I'll change tack to some less stormy seas.
>> No. 83075
File 132885188487.png - (434.57KB , 800x800 , p__diane_pie_by_derpiihooves-d4luh0u.png )
83075
Title: Pinkamania
Author/screen name: Raharu Haruha
Email address: raharu108@gmail.com

Tags: [Psychological Thriller][Briefly Grimdark][Mild Shipping]

Synopsis: I'm not crazy! Nervous, yes. Dreadfully nervous, but why do you say I am mad? The ponies have sharpened my senses, not dulled them. Harken! and observe how calmly I tell you my version of how Pinkie Pie got her cutie mark!

List of links to the story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Evh6kW5O43Z9TqSfNf_ZNhXJ0mEFH8ErbN4RmiaSfrg/edit

Which chapters you’d like to have reviewed: All of them.
Comments/requests: The only other person to review this called the main character a Gary Stu. So tell me if that's still going on because I made some major revisions.

If you would please, I'd like you to tell me your impressions on both of the main characters. I'd like you to tell me what you thought of the ending, and if at any point during the story you got bored and didn't feel like continuing. I'd also like to know if there was any part that made you confused and any possible suggestions to improve that.

And please pick my grammar apart. Part of my justification for doing this was to study for the GMAT, so I'd like to get something out of it.

Finally! Thank you!
>> No. 83081
>>83058

So, to avoid awkwardly ending the chapter with a rather short part that would be kind of floating, I ended it with Celestia's point of view after Twi leaves. I think I did a fairly good job of ending it that time, and I bet I made the end of the chapter seem like the end of a story because I almost view my chapters AS stories. Small, incomplete ones, but stories nonetheless.

So far I've also done at least something with Iron, adding a few sentences here and there that make him seem at least somewhat sympathetic towards the miners. Also replaced the fear with hatred when he first thinks he hears a gryphon, and I think it appears now that he more respects them as fearsome enemies rather than actually fears them, in a weird kind of way.

Already added at least a moral dilemma in Twi's mind and a bit more argument from her, and made Celestia directly order her not to take her friends. I also added some reasoning explained, and while it might not be the best at least it's something.

I'm working on revising the Spike part now, then I'll fix Twilight's other OOC dialogue pieces. It would be much appreciated if you could elaborate on the parts where you say it felt like you "wouldn't know a character was speaking if it weren't for the punctuation".

The only part I see as having that would be when Celestia is explaining the details to Twi, but I see that as a mission debriefing, and that's basically how those are structured so it feels justified. You could have been talking about other parts entirely, however.

I should have all the revisions done by tomorrow, if you want to take another quick sweep to appraise if I've adequately fixed the problems. Of course, I understand if you don't want to, I can probably hunt down another reviewer to do that if you don't have the time yourself.
>> No. 83115
>>82808
I've modified Chapter 1 according to your critique. Looking through it, I have to say it seems to flow a bit better.

One of the things you pointed out is that I tend to suffer from Sesquepidalian Locquaiciousness (and if you get the reference, I'll give you a cookie). I've done my best to quit using such long words.

I've also decided I'm going to terminate the Prologue, and instead weave the backstory into the main story, as per your suggestion.

Thanks again!
>> No. 83124
File 132887369434.png - (97.38KB , 246x253 , Screen shot 2011-12-06 at 2_04 PM.png )
83124
>>82779
Claimed! Here's what the prereaders were talking about... I'll try to pick out tense and spelling stuff IF that was even an accurate complaint, because I don't remember seeing any on my pleasure-read of this fic.

If 'yaknowhatimean' counts as bad spelling, that's pretty pedantic- it's just author bravado, depicting narrator bravado, and it's smart to stick that in so early so we know what the narrative voice is meant to be.

I'm guessing the prereader thought "window-shopping" should be hyphenated... and 'banister' has just one n, Bannister is the long distance runner.

>He searched up and down for his detector array. Or its pieces. He had forgotten whether or not he had taken it apart for another project. "All power begins as magic power. But I know how turn it into electrical power. Then I can make it go through wires and I can make it do amazing tricks.

This pony speaks abruptly! However, all the sentence-fragment stuff reads awful choppy- perhaps too distractingly so. Too many full stops, and it gets into the narration- you probably want to keep the narrative voice from swinging towards the internal moods of the characters. We had the narrator as a streetwise tough character. In general, anytime you hit a new sentence with full stop and then 'But' capitalized, you could easily smooth that with a comma and it'll read more 'normal', especially in narration.

I'm not getting the tense issue complaint. I'm wondering if that was reader inexperience? If you say,
>Spark Runner looked out of the window, wishing that he could peer through the city and past the miles.

That's NOT a tense clash. That's Spark looking out the window WHILE wishing- it is not less correct than 'looked out and wished that'. I suspect you're running into pedant trouble because your tense usage is sophisticated. That's a nice problem to have.

>Spark Runner held his paw up.
Gotcha! Hoof. Unless he's a Diamond Dog.

In a more Applejinx vein like i do on my thread, you should remember that Pinkie Pie is often strangely good at seeing through to the truth of a situation- but terrible at articulating it sensibly, as she assumes everyone's up to speed already. But that's not inconsistent with how you've written her- just sayin' that on general principles. It's easy to see Pinkie as ditzy, but she's ditzy PLUS (plus oracular insight).

The fun of this honestly does come through. You've just tripped over the EqD/prereader/ponychan pedanticness, that's all- the enthusiasm you've seen is a good sign and is well-earned. They've gotta bounce everything just to keep the flood in check, and that one 'bannister' and the 'looked/wishing' not-really-a-tense-problem was enough (or a pony raising a 'paw'). Don't let it shake you, or let it ruin the fun spirit, because that spirit of fun will be wonderful for people to experience. The prereaders and ponyfic in general get overwhelmed with piles of very serious grim darkness all the time, often loaded with technical problems. You're a breath of fresh air.

Fix 'bannister', don't even change 'looked/wishing' because it's correct and better, and do a lil' search for the string 'period, space, capital But'. Replace SOME of those with comma, space, but (for the love of Celestia!).

And tell 'em you appreciate their help and you've gained great things from ponychan- and resubmit. You'll be jes' fine- especially since you can handle editors gracefully. Ain't your fault you thought EqD was amateur hour. Content-wise it kind of is, but the volume of submissions forces them to bounce just about anything on the mere whiff of a simple mistake.
>> No. 83146
>>83124

Thanks, AJ!

I thought the 'tense issue' they might be complaining about could be the first paragraph. I'm using an omniscient narrator in present tense that then blends into a sharp focus on my main character. That's a J.K.Rowling trick -- but I'm probably not doing it as well as she does. :)

I'll fix everything you mentioned, and I'll see if I can smooth out the opening. (Can't believe I missed 'paw'. 'Bannister' I'm blaming on my spellchecker.) Thank you!
>> No. 83147
File 132888540992.png - (150.71KB , 352x316 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 3_48 PM.png )
83147
>>83146
My only gripe there is, if you establish a narrator that talks like that, he's Chekhov's gun- either fire him some more, or leave him out. Unless that narrator is going to be a continuing character, it's distracting to introduce him just to set the tone, even when he does that pretty well.

However, you could as easily use him as prologue and epilogue for _every_ chapter/story and that would be just fine, so I didn't feel I could say anything- you might have been planning to do just that. Still could, I guess- just a LITTLE more of a clearly defined role for him and he'd be golden. He (or she!) does set the tone nicely.
>> No. 83157
>>83155
Aw dammit, I posted in the wrong section. Please ignore/delete my stupidity.
>> No. 83158
>>83157
I really have no idea what I'm doing.
>> No. 83192
File 132890287538.jpg - (35.64KB , 400x386 , spoiler.jpg )
83192
>>83158

I'm around here for a month or so now, still don't know what I'm doing XD

>totally a clop pic
>> No. 83197
On the 2nd, I posted my story here for review. Today, I was delighted to find that it had been reviewed. Until, I saw that the link took me to a review from a seperate thread.
from the day BEFORE I had posted this story on the Training Grounds.

Now then, not only was I provided with a link to a review that I had already read, but, no offense to Sir Duke, the review istelf was less than helpful. It was actually met with a fairly hostile response by the community. However, I took the helpful commentary, and edited my story. Then, I posted it onto the Training Grounds.

And then I got this.

I don't want to cause a problem, but I feel more than a little dissatisfied with this. Regardless, I found another reviewer, so it matters very little anyway.
>> No. 83213
>>83197
Do you want me to clear out the field, so you can get a second opinion?
>> No. 83214
>>83213
No, I don't think that will be necessary. I just wanted to inform whoever updated the queue about the mistake.
>> No. 83234
File 132891046248.png - (180.41KB , 451x500 , tumblr_lyfaqmIy3p1r3k1m8o1_500.png )
83234
>>81565
>>77730

I'm sorry it just doesn't catch any of my interest or drives me to read on.
>> No. 83241
File 132891116138.jpg - (48.80KB , 250x176 , 10337_r.jpg )
83241
Title: The Island of Marecadia
Author: Jtylerg
Email: jtg19195@gmail.com
Tags: Adventure
Description:
When the mane 6, and Spike, go on a vacation they encounter a local tribe. Initially, the tribe seems friendly and welcoming, but in the middle of the night a strange woman appears. This woman warns of a change in the tribes behavior, and the next day the seven friends may have to fight for their lives.

Link:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/10337/The-Island-of-Marecadia
>> No. 83242
>>82101
While I was waiting I made a third chapter. Do I have to do something to add this to the list of chapters your working or do I just put it in the document folder I made with the other two?
>> No. 83289
Okay, let me try this again.
Synopsis: Rarity and Big Mac, while expecting their first foal, begin to drift apart. Sequel to “The Lucky One.”
Link to the story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OT7fh1QmgXVFd8l1XToNUX4hxC3RKNLc08qMIzavmzI/edit
Chapters I’d like reviewed: All
Tags: [Shipping][Dark(not that dark)]
Comments: As mentioned above, this is a sequel to my previous story, “The Lucky One” which can be found at http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/12/story-lucky-one.html However it is not necessary to read the first one (though highly encouraged ‘cause it’s great!). My main concerns are pacing and grammar.
I stuck it in the queue, but because I posted it there first it doesn't have the link to this post. Confusing enough?
>> No. 83292
File 132892166791.png - (175.83KB , 845x927 , ppcloseup.png )
83292
>>81206

I'll take you up on this story.
>> No. 83296
File 132892320888.png - (188.63KB , 830x534 , 830px-Screenshot_4.png )
83296
Short: A good story marred by poor grammar.

Long:
Grammar:
Here's the rub: if you want to get this published, you'll need a dedicated editor. The issue with your grammar is that it's so inconsistent. You make tense errors, go a few pages, misplace some pronouns, and then go on to make some other random mistake. Then, you have picture-perfect grammar, without any issues. This is much too long for me to go and pick out every error and explain why it's incorrect just because of the sheer breadth of the mistakes you do and don't make. Still, I did do some line-by-line. Be aware, however, that I did not correct your grammar past the first half of the first chapter.

>Author's Note
Nope, not reading it. Author's notes are for the weak and narratively undisciplined.

>he knew the waterfall in front of him did not give away any sound the sound that soothed him was only a memory
Bam, hit in the face with a run-on

>;
Nope, change these sentence into something that does not require a semicolon. This is neither rhetorically effective nor grammatically correct.

>emitting from the phoenix’s golden and red feathers.
tense shift. emitted

>And now he was about to get a third addition.
Don't start with a conjunctiooooon!

>The phoenix felt joy in his heart, this was the third unicorn in the village, but still he felt some unease in his heart.
Used 'His heart' twice. Change it.

>rest of the astral
Rest of the astral what?

>Discord, Luna and Celestia
Blessing people in the name of Discord... doesn't sound quite right. Still, astral magicians are wierdos.

>The morning sun shone down at me,
Wha-bam! You move from third person to first person. This is a little jarring.

>It was not a big stone, and the boring gray color it had made it impossible to miss in the green grass that I lay on.
...that it laid on. all in all this sentence is awkward, and a bit too flowery. A simple 'the tiny rock was easy to pick out from the grass that surrounded it.'

>I did not answer him directly; instead did I nudge the stone again, setting it in motion down the slope of the hill where I laid.
>fire red
I'd avoid using fire red as a description of color. How about amber?

>I could feel the magic pulsate through my body; pulsate together with my blood, pumped around by my heart.
Midi-chlorians. :I

>can not
can't

>measures would that just
measures, that would just

> more, it
more. It

>to go around it, to tear it down.
redundant in context

>of.
off

and interrupt your day off
redundant, remove

>stallions
stallion's

>his voice deeper
his voice WAS deeper

>I could feel his muscle play under his coat
gross gross gross gross gross

>onetime
one time

>even
event

>repeat spelling errors
Check your doc for them.

> I hope they can fix that out, the situation between us Phoenix and Sea Serpents have been… cautious the last years.
How about 'tense' instead of 'cautious'?

>trainings
training

>It was a ground
There was
This goes for the next couple of sentences, as well.

>Then, as he
Only when

>Author’s Input
No. Put this in the description, in something other than at the end of the chapter. This looks bad, this is unproffesional, it's everything you don't want your fic to be.

>“Have already
"...have already

>The… Elements… were given to the gods… when they created… us… did they split the elements up… one of Harmony… and one of… Discord… to each creature created. Each tribe had… one of… each. They are items… of great… power… that has… been lost in time… The balance… has been contested… since then… the ponies… can not… live in balance… with each… other.
Holy mother of ellipsis.

Plot:
I like the direction this is going, however I do have objections.

The God of Neutrality is Stupid Neutral (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/StupidNeutral) The universe doesn't work on a 1 good work cancels out 1 bad work scale. Neither should your god. In fact, I'd say that most people would interpret his actions as almost purely chaotic and evil.

Anyway, you have this whole Gygaxian Law vs. Chaos thing, and I kind of like it. The best part is that you've set up a third party, which exists to upset the whole order of things, so it's less Law vs. Chaos and more Balance versus Imbalance. Groovy.

Here's my recommendation for the story: Don't paint one side as good or bad. Starswirl should have tough choices to make. Point out that the gods of order and chaos are not always moral, and that they often perform incredibly 'evil' acts in the name of order (for example, the death by snake in the story). Make the Resistance have legitimately good points as to why they should overthrow the order. This could be a heck of a read. Best of luck.

(Find an editor) and keep writing.
>> No. 83302
Title: The Eternal Gift
Author: Josh Meihaus
Email: Joshuameihaus@gmail.com

Synopsis: Comforted by the presence of Princess Celestia as he looks back on the bittersweet memories of his friends, Spike the decision he made eons ago. As he reminisces, he asks contemplates a single question: "Might I have been better off?"

Link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18__zHEFx3a37B0uSTKeELStZldqpV-Te1WPEz5k4kjs/edit

Notes/Requests:

I was hoping I could get some help with this story. I got rejected from EqD twice so far, and I wanted to make sure I didn't botch it on my last attempt.

I was hoping that if you review this, you could watch out for three specific problem areas the pre-reader cited:

1) Awkward phrasing
2) Multiple characters talking in the same paragraph
3) Strange page breaks (I'm not quite sure what he/she meant, but if you see it, could you point it out?)

A bit of warning though, this is a long fic by comparison. Just under 19,000 words, to be exact, in case that affects whether or not you'll be able to review it.

Thanks a lot in advance, looking forward to critique!
>> No. 83303
>>81992

I'll go ahead and take this one.
>> No. 83306
File 132893011450.jpg - (280.46KB , 700x700 , com__pilgrim12345_by_kapieren-d3inieq.jpg )
83306
>Shadowbolt picture because I have no police pony pictures.

>>81424
Short: I'm going to tell you straight out: I think your time would be better served rewriting this fic, or writing a new one.

Long:
The Good:

1) Characters act logically.

A lot of the interactions between the characters are pretty clever. You play off of a lot of stereotypes for different personalities, and it gives the entire piece a clever humor to it.


2) Some of the humor is pretty clever.

The situational humor and the dialogue is great. I really like a lot of the dialogue between the characters, and how the police react to the situations they're put in. The Rarity scene was good. I liked that. The idea of the police showing up to find Applejack having solved the situation already is also clever.


3) The protagonists are all sorts of over-the-top, which I love.


The Bad:

1) A lot of the humor is bland, derived from fandom in-jokes.

Don't reference the fandom inside of a story. It just comes off as a cheap method of trying to get laughs. Make up your own humor, don't borrow other's. Second, a lot of the physical humor comes off as a bit tasteless. Police brutality is a difficult thing to lampoon correctly. Be careful when you do so, or it just seems really, really tasteless. Like the thing with Rainbow Dash. That just wasn't funny. At all.


2) The bracketed text breaks immersion and is generally annoying.

Remove this. Burn it in a fire. Never let it come back. It doesn't come off as funny. It just looks weird and breaks the flow of the story. It's also grammatically incorrect.


3) Little dialogue attribution.

I need to know who says what, if there's ever more than two people going back and forth, then you need to tall who is saying what.

4) The story jumps from character to character.

They show up, they say two or three lines of dialogue, and they throw some random person in jail. This does not a story make.

The Ugly:


1)It's posted on fanfiction.net

This is the worst possible site you can use. Pastebin is easier to read. Use Google Docs.


2)God, Fanfiction.net formatting...

See #1


3) It's written as a script.

This is the main reason I want you to rewrite this story. You need more than four talking heads. You need actions, and description. Write your story like a story, not like a script. Right now, this looks tacky and unworkable. As a story, it has much better prospects.


My perscription: Basically, go back to the premise, keep the insanely over-the-top characters, and work from there. Do research on how to be funny, how to present jokes. Look at how published works poke fun at the police, and develop your own style from that. You've got a lot of good ideas. You just need to execute them well.

(Develop a unique style) and keep re-writing.
>> No. 83307
File 132893018103.png - (2.18MB , 1268x1256 , ClaimPost3.png )
83307
Well, it seems that the Training Grounds is in a fine kettle of fish once again with being flooded and whatnot. I tole that ol' Dem that this'd happen one day. So, being the law-abiding, tax-paying, cotton-pickin' citizen I is, I feel a bit more than obligated to help y'all fellers out with yer problem.

And by "help" I of course mean nab the shorter entries and pretend I don't see the 100k+ ones.

>>81001
>>81706 This links to the sticky, get a maintainer to delete the entry as it doesn't exist as far as I know.

An entry titled "A Dash of Magic" present in the queue, but contains a broken link as well.


>>81941

>>82127 Links to a document that I don't have permission to use. Contact author or remove queue entry.


>>82498


>>82515
Has the sexiest wordcount I have ever seen on a fic.


>>82582

Notes for Maintainers

Currently IN FRAGMENTS is the top entry in the queue, so base your numbers on that.

Entries 51, 53 and 57 have an "i" before the post number and won't redirect to the correct post.

Entry 56 is not a link.

Entry 23's review link contains one of those pesky i's.

Entry 45 links to a locked item.
>> No. 83310
>>83307
:O You flatter me.
All issues are fixed in the queue. Thanks.
>> No. 83312
>>82762
I'll take this one.
>> No. 83324
File 132893396788.png - (83.97KB , 192x313 , Braeburn-By-Request-Only.png )
83324
>>83307
> I tole that ol' Dem that this'd happen one day.
....what? I never thought you'd come out of nowhere and help out with maintenance without even having edit access to the document while I was too lazy busy with other obligations.

Everyone else, sorry I haven't gotten around to helping out with reviewing or maintaining though I've been watching other threads like a Gryphon and finding some fics that have been posted elsewhere, and making note of them so that people can see if someone else reviews it first and decide based on that information whether to go through with reviewing. I've been busy with lots of stuff (STUFF, UMA, STUUUUUFFFFF!) and now that a long week of work and brainstorming is over I am sinking to having some IPA and Braeburn 'shoppery with Pink Floyd or Santana playing in the background tired.

Okay, I'd better read something. Hmmmm... I love Sci-fi. Top unclaimed SciFi, here we go...
Out of Context || Nuke_Equestria || >>82119
Yay, been meaning to take a look at this! I'll post a review in the story's thread.

> Currently IN FRAGMENTS is the top entry in the queue, so base your numbers on that.

> Entries 51, 53 and 57 have an "i" before the post number and won't redirect to the correct post.
> Entry 23's review link contains one of those pesky i's.
WE HATH FIXED ALL OF THE ABOVE WITH THE FAITHFUL FIND AND REPLACE #I8 WITH #8

> Entry 56 is not a link.
Someone fixed it.

> Entry 45 links to a locked item.
Contacted the author by estalkmail. OhgodwhathavIdone.

Not saged because Ken Braeburn.
>> No. 83327
File 132893468096.png - (107.26KB , 361x376 , mrCake.png )
83327
>>83310
A thousand pardons, good sir. That's what I get for not paying attention.

Well, I've got Out of Context open, reading time.
>> No. 83328
File 132893515338.png - (208.79KB , 382x478 , rocketeer_phineas_by_gibberishic-d4bdqr5.png )
83328
Title: A Brand New Reality

Name: OrchestraOfOrder

Email: chaosnova8@yahoo.com

Tags: [Crossover] [Adventure] [HiE]

Synopsis: Five strangers crash into Equestria, bringing with them a unique brand of trouble and no return trip tickets. Princess Luna finds her review of Equestrian History interrupted by the sudden lack of a roof on the Royal Archives spire of the castle. What are these strangers doing in Equestria? What’s going on back home without them? And most importantly, what in the world is up with Pinkie Pie anyway?!

Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17rb4Zf-rUL4y6U3T4_-lT6CUU5yLaEboZkFUxcwqYFA

Comments: This is a complete overhaul of a story by the same name that I brought up here weeks ago. I’ve started from scratch on this, and I’d like to see what I can do to improve it further.
>> No. 83329
Title: Neo-Equestria
Author: herpyderpy
Email: jonoyhchen@gmail.com
Tags: [Tragedy] [Dark] [Adventure] [Alternative Universe]

Synopsis: In an Equestria where technology drives ponykind, there is no greater discovery than the gemstone reactors that provide energy to the privileged ponies of Equinetropolis, Canterlot and other major cities.

However, progress is not without its sacrifices. And regrettably, with great power comes corruption and greed.

Bound by the invisible threads of fate, our unlikely heroes will together face the greatest peril the land has ever seen.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8505/Neo-Equestria
I would like all parts of this reviewed. Word count is around 17k right now.

Review from EQD:

The narrative switches tense between the first line and the third line. Two different tenses are often used in the same sentence. There are issues with using present tense all throughout the narrative.

Weather report opening.

Word repetition.

The prologue implies that several years have passed since Twilight was in Ponyville, but Applebloom acts (if anything) younger than she is in the show.

Comments:

I think I've fixed most of the problems outlined above, I'm guessing the reviewer read a very early version of my prologue and didn't even realize my story is set in AU.

Anyway I'd love to have anyone check this out for me. Thanks in advance!

Oh also if you would be kind enough to email me your review, I'd be very grateful. The forums here are rather confusing :x
>> No. 83332
>>83328
Oh woah. This story was the first one I ever reviewed in TTG. Was my review helpful at all?

Also, your document appears to be empty.
>> No. 83338
>>82426
I'll take this one.

I will most likely not finish it tonight though. I'm, foolishly, starting this at midnight.
>> No. 83339
File 132893684892.png - (519.84KB , 694x685 , AllTHEPURPLEPROSE.png )
83339
>>81001

As I open this the section titled "I", I am hit with what can only be described as a tidal wave of deep purple prose. I understand that you may want to paint your character as intelligent, but abusing the thesaurus is an extremely underhanded (not to mention sloppy) way of attempting to convey such a message. You compromise your readability by using such obscure vocabulary that exists in only the deepest recesses of the dictionary. Using such obscurities only serves to alienate the uninformed and annoy those who know of this tactic.

A good example of the character you are attempting to create is Ignatius from Confederacy of Dunces, minus the lazy and insufferable attitude, of course. However, where Ignatius comes across as humorously over-the-top, your character is simply tiresome because we don't get a break from his terribly pretentious monologues. It is straining on the mind when I have to read such oddities "consternating" (which is a strange verb conjugation of the noun "consternation") or the particularly egregious "perennial."

But fear not! You are not beyond salvation, as the horrid affliction of purple prose is easily cured by throwing your thesaurus out the window. A good recommendation I have for people is to read their sentences aloud, as to determine if there are too many syllables that disrupt the sentence flow. Another suggestion I have is to use the BEST word to describe the situation, which, if you are stout believer in Occam's Razor, is usually the simplest.

I am not implying that you should tie your hand behind your back and downgrade the level or your prose, but I find that flowery prose is usually a cover for lackluster and telly writing, so I shall examine it on that merit.

I also note that this an attempt at recreating Lovecraftian prose, which I would recommend you not pursue if only for originality's sake.

Now that I've bored you to death with what you may consider pointless advice (although I assure you it is not), let's focus back onto the grammar and story.

The first couple paragraphs strike me as filler and backstory rolled into one mess that becomes completely negligible and slows your pacing to an absolute standstill. Characterization must be delivered in small doses otherwise you will kill your reader. The question I consistently posed myself as I read these opening paragraphs was a "Why do I care about this character's parents?" which I had no answer for. Nor did I know what bearing this information would have on future events, because outside the vague idea mercifully granted to me in the first paragraph, I have no idea what is going on, what will go on, or why I should care what goes on.

The opening is the equivalent to watching someone turn on a slideshow of his/her life and then then watching as he/she lectures you on every mundane detail. To be frank, it's not interesting.

In essence, your opening commits the cardinal sin of having too much backstory, causing your story to plod in terms of pacing. However, this is easily rectified by cutting the fat, so to speak, and completely eliminating these extraneous elements.

>As I stated, I will not waste vellum endorsing the days I had spent pouring over the antediluvian words of stallions and mares long rendered to dust.

You totally lied to me there.

It is at this point the story finally gets kicked in the ass and we finally get some plot progression.

Here's an example of what I mean when I say flowery prose usually is a concealer for a show vs. tell issue:

>I levitated the envelope from under the cord and noticed the wax seal was broken upon its fold as I scrutinized its jacket.

Essentially, you just said "I picked up the envelope, noticed the seal was broken, and looked at the envelope disapprovingly."

The problem with both the original sentence and the current rendition of it is that you have told me actions, but never given me any insight into your character's feelings or motivations in doing so. Why does your character scrutinize the envelope jacket? The second sentence extrapolates on this to a point, but gives him no reason to suspect such an action. How does he feel about the seal being broken? You say that he may be scrutinizing the jacket due to the seal being broken, but the connection is neither clear or reasonable. Why would he scrutinize the jacket? What does that have to do with anything?

All the details you just told me about are irrelevant if you won't allow me to see into your character's feelings. Moreover, I have difficult understanding exactly what you mean a good majority of the time in sentences like:

>My suspicions were dispatched as the seal crumbled under the energies of my levitation, age had been the culprit, not my servants.

A few quick questions:
How does a seal crumble under the "energies of levitation"?
Age had been the culprit of what? The previous sentences give no context as to what this might be, as it is occupied by description. The transition is subjects is not always clear in your writing and your purple prose only serves as a hindrance in this regard; for example take these two sentences.

>The seal was adorned with a crested sigil whose markings were foreign to me, yet strangely native. The circular impression held the likeness of an equine skull, adorned by several points upon its length which I could only deduce as horned appendages; entombed within the confines of a five pointed star.

Your average reader would not be able to tell that "the seal" and "the circular impression" are in fact the same object under most circumstances. Not because if their lack of knowledge of what a "circular impression" is, but the fact that you do not use a pronoun here, or simply combine the sentences to make the subject clear.

>Opening the time worn envelope revealed a letter penned in a most elegant prose.

Okay, I have to be honest here. I laughed aloud when I read this line. You go through this entire section spouting off nouns and adjectives traditionally reserved for sixteenth century literature, and this is supposed to be ELEGANT?

Paradoxically enough, the contents of the letter are actually the sanest in terms of readability, and comparatively less flowery in terms of prose. I'm dumbfounded.
>> No. 83340
>>81001

As I conclude the first segment of this story, I am not concerned at all of the contents of the letter even though you ended with a fairly strong cliff-hanger. This is because I have already lost interest in the proceedings because they were too far delayed. Why does he descend into the mausoleum to read a note? How does a letter's seal break with only a month's age? HOW ON EARTH DOES SOMEONE END A LETTER WITH AN ELLIPSE?

What I would suggest for these first sections is to place the far more interesting discovery early on. the introduction is bogged down beyond repair with unnecessary backstory that really killed this story in my humble opinion.

I have a distaste for your clause ordering and wording choice, but since you're on FIMfiction, I really can't be bother to critically examine that. I'll just let you know that there are definitely areas that need to see a rephrase.

In terms of punctuation, you're above average when compared to most submissions I receive. This is not to say that your grammatical abilities are amazing. Indeed, you don't seem to know that adverbial clauses/sentences beginning with conjunctions or adverbs need to be offset with a comma.

For example:

>As I entered the hallowed abode I felt awe-inspired at the extravagant artistry of the masons responsible for this grandeur.

Should be: As I entered the hallowed abode, etc etc.

Comma placement is your main issue. You seem to have difficulty finding where a independent-dependent clause structure needs a comma.

Another problem I have seen is the lack of understanding of how a semicolon should be used. A semicolon is needed to offset two independent clauses without the use of a period (it also has other properties such as listing, but those are rarely exercised), and you seem to be using it improperly.

Example:

>I made my way down to the foyer and stood in front of the door leading to the catacombs of the library; and the ever patient door of my fathers study.

There is no reason for that semicolon to be there. It does not offset another independent clause ("and the ever patient door of my father's study" is not an independent clause by any stretch of the imagination) and shows a lack of understanding on your part. Additionally, there are little errors like I just subtly pointed out "father's" not "fathers" throughout the piece, so you may want to proof-read this a second time. Additionally, when words like "ever patient" could be considered a hyphenate, because ever-patient is a compound modifier, meaning that it contains both an adverb and adjective that describes a singular noun. Read up on these rules for great success.

My criticism of the following chapters is essentially an echo of the aforementioned problems above, but I'd like to note that your pacing is DREADFULLY slow to the point that it is painful, even.

In short, this story needs to be reworked, rephrased, and cut down. There's an interesting tale to be spun here, but it's weighted with anchors of boorish story-telling errors. It's like trying to eat a rock sandwich: the bread may taste good, but it's indigestible nonetheless. I value presentation highly, and so do the folks down at EqD, so I strongly suggest taking my advice.
>> No. 83344
[Crossover][Grimdark][Dark]

Synopsis: Agent Night Shore has just been promoted from his apprenticeship under Sherclop Holmes in the Canterlot Intelligence Agency (CIA). Already, he has his first solo case. It's not just any case either, it's a case directly assigned to him by Princess Celestia. His job? Investigate the communications blackout at the Everfree Mines.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EoS8xkNTiKTGG_kJiyBLLgaH26kzkYQ36V_xd2X_Y7w/edit

Err... I need a full review of whatever possible. Grammar, concept, etc... Especially focus on characterization of Night Shore please.

Just fyi, it's a Dead Space Crossover, but I've toned it down so it's not super gore. Warning, what blood and gore there is doesn't appear until the last section of the chapter.
>> No. 83345
File 132893803076.png - (764.68KB , 1000x1000 , Ditzy_X_Raindrops_And_Muffin.png )
83345
[Adventure][Friendshipping]

Description: Raindrops has been a blank-flank for longer than anypony she's known. She moved to Ponyville and got a job at the post office in hope that she would meet somepony who might help her discover her special talent. But when her new co-worker Derpy crashes into her, they go on a journey of self-discovery, friendship, and muffins.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-WTIrHT3xF1ls6XSBKh7LBwiX3lY3h7OhM4fuLvzRDI/edit

Also, please tell me if you think my story description could be better.
>> No. 83348
File 132893911025.png - (113.24KB , 900x770 , 131362435873.png )
83348
>>83345
I will claim this. I want to help out. I'll try my best!
>> No. 83349
Tags: [Adventure][Sad]

Description: Memories of a time long gone by hold the key to Luna’s salvation. To save her sister, Celestia sends Twilight on a quest through Luna’s mind, searching for the source of an ancient spell that is slowly killing her. What she finds may change her forever.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/9041/1/Moonbound/

Comments: Look for grammatical errors and misuse of tenses. Also note any repetition of phrase. Keep in mind that this is the introductory chapter, so the exploration of Luna's memories comes later. All comments are appreciated!
>> No. 83351
>>83307
Thanks for claiming it, though a heads up as some parts might be a bit odd as I'm still editing it up at the moment. Looking back on it, I'm trying to fix up my main character and add some extra scenes I feel are necessary to flesh the characters out as I'm probably going to have to extend my story more than I initially thought I would. I'd say check back on that story in a few days, maybe a week or so for a more cohesive story to review.
>> No. 83358
>>83296
First, thank you a lot for your review.
I know the weakness of my grammar, it have always been my biggest flaw.

The "intro" is written in third person by request; it was written in first person from the start but I felt it strange and so did one of my friends so I edited it to the view of the phoenix instead.

This story takes place long before the Equestrian era (if that was not obvious) and even longer before the era of Discord. I felt it was best to have him from the start since both sides is important.

Also, thanks for all the grammar input. Will make sure to look it over.

And I have all along planned that it will be hard choices, places where neither choice is the correct one.

Once again, thank you. Now... to find an editor!
>> No. 83360
>>83344
For pegasopolis!
>> No. 83365
File 132894347472.jpg - (1.88KB , 126x109 , 1327028162565s.jpg )
83365
>>83306
>God, Fanfiction.net formatting...

I usually toggle the font and size options (Verdana is probably the most boring font evar), at the top-right part of the screen. Click B twice and switch on Serifs. Helps a ton. You may want to consider it. ;)
>> No. 83369
File 132894483831.png - (1.78MB , 2100x2564 , REVIEWCOMPLETE.png )
83369
>>81941

Pages commented on: One and Two
Comments: 87
Word to Comment Ratio: 7.5


The main problem I have with this story is its lack of attention to proof-reading and dialogue punctuation, which is a huge problem considering that the story has a heavy dialogue basis. It seems to me that you didn't proof-read your own story well enough, or give it proper love and care after you wrote it in order to nurture it into a coherent story. It is because of these issues that I am faced with having to tell you what is wrong and what can be done about it.

First off, I'm a stickler for punctuation and grammar, and you seem to have difficulties in both fields. This manifests itself mainly through dialogue errors that can be easily rectified if you know what to do. Essentially, and dialogue offset with a tag "he said, she said," verb will be punctuated as such:

"I have to go," she said.

The sentence ends after the speech verb of "speech tag" as we call it. Therefore, we do not capitalize the pronoun (she) and we use a comma to indicate that the section of dialogue has ended. Vimbert's example copy-pasta should be more than enough for you to work with in order to commit such rules to memory.

Simply unforgivable is the amount of technical errors that are present due to what I consider sheer carelessness. There are sentences that are inherently broken, fragments, run-ons, and misplaced punctuation galore. You really should give your story a hard proof-read before handing it over to a reviewer. A story found in the Training Grounds queue should reflect the labor of love the author has put into the work.

Another major issue of your story is that you have problem with telling. Very rarely do actions become more than what characters do, and we are given little insight into why they do what they do. For example, the old stallion's motivations for being so uncouth to Brother White are hazy at best, and conversely Brother White's motivations for hazing the old stallion are similarly undefined. When a character simply acts as a puppet pulled by the author's strings, it ceases to be a believable character. A great author will attempt to conceal his wires at every opportunity, allowing for the character to act as if he were a real person, and express his actions through his own will. Telling is not restrictive to characters, however, it is also present in your prose. For example, you tell me that there are small holes in the door only when there needs to holes in the door, and you tell me there's a foal with a cowboy hat only when you need there to be a cowboy hat present. A paramount of writing is being to describe your background and setting in detail, which you neglected to do.

Speaking of background, how characters interact with the objects and world around them is especially confusing. I honestly have little to know idea how that door worked, for instance, even though there was a great amount of attention placed on its mechanics. Similarly, characters repeat actions that haven't yet done, are said to be doing the same action when the audience has no reason to believe they have ceased, and unnecessary attention placed on the mundane.

Consistency is casually thrown out the window in this story. The setting seems to be made out of amorphous gelatin, shifting whenever the author sees fit and never sticks to being concrete in it's presentation. It is because of this that the setting comes across as severely underdeveloped and malnourished. The reader does not feel like he/she knows this world because it does not contain itself to a singular rule or description that ties it together. Instead, the majority of the setting is left to the reader's imagination. You say it's a home that Brother White is knocking on, but what type of home is it? Wood? Straw? Grass-hut? It could be anything really. In some respects, such vagueness could be a good thing, but not here, where the world is defined strictly in the reader's own terms. Read up on world building sometime.

Perspective. Stick to one. You have no idea how confusing it was to read through this with the perspective shifting so haphazardly that I could not decipher who was thinking what at any given opportunity. The old stallion's thoughts were constantly intermixed with Brother White's and telling the two apart was very difficult, especially since you decided for whatever reason to omit their names until later. Pronouns + multiple thinkers = indefinite death of reader. Do not clutter the narrative with the thoughts of many, rather establish a single, strong central narrator that presents the story. This approach will not only benefit your characters development, but also make your writing much easier to read.

When writing, it is best to keep unneeded words out. Your story is full of unnecessary qualifiers that attempt to stress emphasis, but fall flat. This impedes your sentence and dialogue flow and should be rectified. Read contemporary literature to have a better understand of how sentences need to flow from one to the other, and how ideas in a story are kind of like branches of a tree; they expand on one another.

Many more issues like awkward phrasing, somewhat stilted dialogue (mostly due to lack of contractions) and other novice errors weigh this story down like a sack of bricks. I doubt highly that this would ever see the light of Equestria Daily's front page without a complete rewrite and a lot of help and study. Yet, I believe that this is simply a result of inexperience, and when you do commit to learning the rules of proper and good storycraft, you could be a very good author. Your presentation is abysmal, but you do have a knack for setting up interesting scenes. Practice Practice Practice.
>> No. 83372
>>82426
Alright, so I read it once over, and I felt I would give you my initial thoughts. I could fix the grammar on it, but I don't want to attempt that until you are good with the actual story.

First off, let me say that you write some of the ponies very very well. I could definitely seem them reacting exactly as you wrote in the situations you put them in. You wrote Rarity, Fluttershy, Derpy and Spike flawlessly. Additionally I felt that you also did a great job on some scenes with Twilight, Apple Jack, and Rainbow Dash. However, your take on Big Mac didn't fit the show, and I felt that Luna was horribly inconsistent. Additionally, I felt like Twilight Sparkle was reduced to nothing more than a plot device at one point, a pointless plot device at that.

I'm a little upset that the story didn't really go anywhere. I realize you're not done with it yet, but the story doesn't have much of a plot. It's basically just: "The sun wont go down, how will ponies react?" There is a brief explanation of what is going on when Luna has this amazing intuition that a super powerful evil spirit is controlling Celestia, but that was very poorly executed. Not only was that not an interesting way to find out that Celestia is possessed by a demon, but Luna's character up to that point was strictly non-confrontational. So the fact that she ease drops on her sister to some how hear her whisper, and that whisper clues her into an evil demon, well that's just not believable.

Now, I will say this. I loved the way you incorporated the disjointed internal dialogue. That was brilliant and probably the best part for me. However, I expected things to happen after that. I did not like going back in time, yet again, to see Rarity and Fluttershy having tea.

So basically, the problem that I see is that the plot is weak. You are going to have to tie all of these disjointed stories together, and at this point I'm not sure how that is going to work.

My major problem is that nobody did anything to stop this before things got out of hand. That feels unrealistic. This wasn't a sudden thing, things had been bad for a while. So you need something to indicate that someone was doing something. As I was reading this I was thinking to myself that a letter from Celestia warning twilight sparkle of something to come, or maybe a letter from Luna, would have been a great hook. Take it or leave it, but that's the type of thing that will fix that plot hole. Second, I disliked how Luna was sort of timid, I think I said that already. It's fine that she's timid, but it's not okay to have her deal with the conflict. My personal thoughts are: have her be timid, but have Twilight Sparkle enter the room with her. Again, up to you. That's just my thought. You need to put a lot more thought into how the reader discovers that there is a demon. Luna can't just think it to herself. It's too sudden. It's not dramatic. I feel like I am getting robbed there. This scene needs to be climatic and epic, and like I said, I really liked your inner dialogue, but this whole scene needs a lot of work. Finally, you need to have an idea of where the story is going. I like the individual side stories because they are good, but if they are pointless, then that's not good. Oh! and also that inner dialogue! It was really cool, until the luna scene. After that it felt sort pointless. You're not really building on any theme or anything like that. You're not really adding to the evil of the demon or explaining the plot, and it's sort of fitting that Celestia tells the demon that he's being redundant because he is.

Alright, so I wrote a lot and it's 2:30 am, so I'm sorry if this came out as incoherent or if I was in any way rude. Overall, I think you are a rather good writer. You do a good job with showing not telling. You also get some of the characters spot on.

The following are some notes I took. You'll notice that at one point I thought the world was cast into darkness because the sun "flickered like a light bulb". That metaphor confused me. I would use something else. It could have been that it's really late though.

Notes:
Word useage “overly ambitious” is not applejack-like

big mac has already said more words in the first page than in the whole show

good lead in with AJ

granny smith calls applebloom “pipsqueak”

rarity is best farm pony

twilight sparkle doesn't afraid of anything, except being tardy. She wouldn't bury her head in the sand, she would shut them up or ignore them.

The part where AJ felt alone feels forced, it's unnecessary too. Instead, why not build more on the situation of heat stroke?

I don't believe twilight would help AJ one day, then the next day sit around and do nothing. I think she'd consider going to canterlot to see celestia. I definitely don't think she would question “she wouldn't abandon us would she” without better reason

the blacking out of the sun was terribly anti climatic, especially apathetic reaction from some pony. Also, there is no sun. How do they see anything.... like scorched earth? Also, why would the guards just take off? The lights turning out is strange, but not terrifying. They might dodge sun beams, but I doubt they would just take off

twilight was thinking awful thoughts, but we don't really get any insight to them. It's understandable that she would faint, but she played a very little role in the chapter aside from being the plot device to change the scenery

derpy eating clouds? Epic.

I think rainbow dash dies :(

I'm not sold on celestia being unapproachable. If there was going to be a group of politicians to meet with her, then why wouldn't someone try to approach her before hand, especially luna?

I do not like how the demon was introduced. It feels like luna knows way too much and is assuming way too much. One second she is this helpless pony too scared to speak, the next she is this extremely knowledgeable mare with meta knowledge

the coming together of the disjointed conversation was brilliant.

Both rarity and fluttershy were written very well
>> No. 83373
PS: When you finish it or update some of the chapters, I'll read it again. email me at: raharu108@gmail.com
>> No. 83377
Over here: >>83376
>> No. 83384
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83384
>>83075
Because I'd like to pluck something off the bottom of the queue before I go into the seclusion of private reviewing for, well, what seems to be quite a while.
>> No. 83392
File 132896130021.jpg - (4.47KB , 286x176 , images.jpg )
83392
>>83075
Line-by-line in-doc. Most of the practical suggestions are in there. Let's hope that these suggestions get to you before you have to sit for that whatever-it-is.

First off, some rambling:

You're obviously not the average ponyfic newfriend. It takes a certain kind of mind to write this kind of story. The open-ended ending would be infuriating if I were the sort that emotionally invested into fanfic (sadly, I can't, no idea why), but I like being optimistic, so I'll chalk it up as you doing it deliberately. Mind you, the open end is not so much about the story as it is about the nature of the fic as a whole - whether the fic really is just a brony-helps-Equestria, or a Is-all-of-this-real?-heh-go-on-think-some-more kind, like Shutter Island.

Also, glad to see that you've pitched your hat into the reviewing ring. I hope to catch you around some more; it's always good to have new reviewers about. Have some Flutershy.

That much being said, I hope you're prepared for this. Hint: it's not pretty.

Let's have a look at your tags.

The [Crossover], [Dark] and [Shipping] seem out of place. [Grimdark] pretty much covers it. Even if you're going for a full-on parody or something, the tags have to be justified. It's like eyes and plastic surgery. Eyes are the only thing you can't change screw modern technology that says otherwise, I live under a rock. They have to betray what the story is.

Your synopsis: "Harken!" feels out of place, given the style used in the fic. Punctuation-wise, it should be either "[insert word]! Observe..." or "[insert word], and observe...".

Grammar-wise, dialogue punctuation is the main issue. Have some more copypasta courtesy of Vimbert Come to think of it, it's more phrasing issues than punctuation.

It's like...
>"Hey, you," said X, swinging a fist, "come at me!"
>X swung his fists. "Come at me!"
You can use a comma for the first. You cannot for the second. I suspect it has to do with dependent/independent clauses. I have honestly no idea what the reason is, but I'm pretty sure that this is how it goes.

Thoughts formatting: Either you use quotes, or you use italics. Never both. That's the general consensus.

Now, for the real problem: the hard sell.

You're trying to sell us this: obsessed brony dreams himself into Equestria. He is either hallucinating, or he actually manages to help Pinkie become Pinkie. Your sell is made harder by the horde of brony-enters-Equestria fics out there. Unfair on you, but that's the reality. You need to start off on the get-go with something radically different to keep us with you. You need to convince us "hey, this isn't your regular brony-in-Equestria".

Chapter 1 does not seem to have any link at all to the rest of the story. If it doesn't serve a purpose, get rid of it. The gore doesn't do you any good, mind.

...really, I've got a lot more detailed thought in the comments in-doc. Stay away from them a couple of days, come back, and chew a while on them. Most of what I've pointed out is, admittedly, personal concerns; if you need clarification or a second opinion, feel free to ask for it.
>> No. 83393
>>83075
>Gary Stu
Nope. That's because you've pictured him as insane. Hence, he fills the role of "unreliable narrator", and the validity of everything he does is subject to half a raised eyebrow. A Gary Stu is undeniably overpowered etc.. This guy is not.

>impressions on both of the main characters.
The Brony: Like I've stated, I do believe that he's gone off his rocker, although that's more of a personal choice than something the story convinced me of (I have no idea why I'm being so optimistic about this). He is unlikeable, pretentious, selfish and narrow-minded, especially where he disses Pinkie's family without proof. If that's what you were aiming for, good, though I'll be beat if I know why, since that + first person perspective = major turn-off for serious readers.

Filly Pinkie: hmm. Pinkie's fourth-wall breaking abilities are a tad too convenient for my tastes. Pinkie being scared also doesn't quite cut it for me, because in canon she doesn't fear the possible consequences of having a party - with materials belonging to her parents - in the barn that her parents use for some good reason - even as a filly. But since you're dabbling in AU, there's not much else I can say.

>I'd like you to tell me what you thought of the ending
I think I've addressed that

>and if at any point during the story you got bored and didn't feel like continuing.
Pointed those out

>I'd also like to know if there was any part that made you confused and any possible suggestions to improve that.
Nope. I understood pretty much all of it, except for the relevance of Chapter 1 I am a silly pony the ice-pick surgery thing. Like, srsly, now that I've went and re-read the ending... lolwut? Why, and I mean, why would a sanitarium doctor dig out a patient's eyeball? Just, why?
>> No. 83421
>>83340

Thanks a lot Cassius. You are right about a lot of the issues. The first chapter is littered with overly flowery prose. Comparison between I and IV shows quite a contrast as it toned down a lot.

I've already made a ton of changes. Thanks again! I'll keep plugging away at it.
>> No. 83423
File 132898828376.jpg - (47.82KB , 960x563 , 131756656795.jpg )
83423
>Equestria's Twilight by Sapidus3

Mine
>> No. 83429
File 132898954935.gif - (81.50KB , 500x439 , 132217965450.gif )
83429
Thank you very much for reviewing my story! In an amazingly small amount of time too. Wow.

>>83392
>like Shutter Island
Well great. Now I know what I'm doing tonight.
I'm very glad the open ending was obvious. That was a big concern.

>Have some Flutershy.
Squee!

>[Grimdark] pretty much covers it.
Thanks. This is my first fan fic, and I don't really understand the purpose of most of those genres. I didn't want to not label it something and then annoy someone who really didn't want to read about something like this. So I just listed them all.

>You need to convince us "hey, this isn't your regular brony-in-Equestria".
I'll try to improve this.

>Your synopsis
I'll work on that. I actually just plagiarized the opening of The Tell-Tale Heart because... ya know... crazy

>But since you're dabbling in AU, there's not much else I can say.
When I reread it, I felt that Pinkie was a pretty weak character. I didn't really like that. What I was trying to do was reexplain the exact same story in a more detailed, realistic fashion. So instead of: pinkie sees rainboom = pinkie throws party. I wanted to show how she struggled with trying to become who she really was.

Wow, typing that out made me realize what I want to do with it. I think I'm going to try and make you fall in love with pinkie. I'll explain her struggle better and I'll have her over come it in a heartfelt way. As I read it now, it's just "Pinkie's story isn't like the show". You don't really become emotionally attached to the concept of her throwing the party.

>>83393
>Why, and I mean, why would a sanitarium doctor dig out a patient's eyeball? Just, why?
Lol! He wasn't digging out his eyeball. It was a lobotomy, and the first chapter sets that up. This whole thing is basically a metaphor for bronies vs. society. The madness symbolizes our subculture. The lobotomy symbolizes society's desire to control us. The open ending is supposed to be your choice between the two. Do you pick happy ponies or crazy bronies?

Thanks again! I'll consider reading your comments and letting them stew, but I'm not sure I'm patient enough for that.
>> No. 83449
>>83377
Thanks Demitri for the review. I just want to compliment you on your reviewing style. Interspersing praise with the critisims makes it easier for me to take my medicine.
>> No. 83454
>>83307
Evidently, I edit faster than I think I do. I still think I need to work on the main character, but it's in a good enough state that I think you'll be able to review it as a whole. Any and all criticism is welcome.
>> No. 83455
>>83449
Hey, a writer has to know what he/she is doing right in addition to what they're doing wrong. Since I don't know you well, I can't tell if you're your own worst critic in the direction of excess self-praise or excess self-berating, so I try to strike a balance between carrot and stick just to be on the safe side. More than once with excessive snark I've driven away authors who had something good going, i.e. Fall of Heaven (>>68492 >>68494 >>68637 >>68876 >>68877 >>69003).

Also, interspersing praise with harsh criticism is what Seattle used to do to me. He's one of the people who's inspired me to review.
>> No. 83476
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83476
Reviews that await acknowledgement

Grif | >>82461 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/7/2012 | Whiplash | Molotov Cocktail | >>76726
EJN | >>82384 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/17/2012 | Draconequus | cheezesauce | >>78626
Eustatian | >>82808 | 2/8/2012 | | 1/18/2012 | PonyPuff | Leo Archon | >>78596
Vanner | >>82439 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/21/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
Vanner | >>82423 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/21/2012 | In The Beginning | Mason al'Cat | >>79176
Vanner | >>82439 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
Casca | >>82869 | 2/3/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Capes | Triscy | >>79713
108Echoes | 02/09/2012 | >>82924 | 2/9/2012 | | 1/27/2012 | The Horn That Creates the Heavens | MegaTank | >>80357
Lunar Shadow | >>82527 | >>82547 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/30/2012 | Sail By Night | Papyra Scribe | >>80884
Lightsideluc | >>81141 | 2/1/2012 | | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
Split Infinitive | >>81361 | 2/2/2012 | | 2/2/2012 | The outing at canterlot | Leochingu | >>80725
Dromer | >>83306 | 2/2/2012 | | 2/2/2012 | Real Police Mares of Ponyville | starlitomega | >>81424
Dromer | >>81999 | 2/5/2012 | | 2/4/2012 | A Ponyville Anthology | Mister Man | >>81823
Cassius | >>83369 | 2/11/2012 | | 2/5/2012 | Tales of Earthquake Island | Keyframe | >>81941
Ezn | >>82168 | 2/6/2012 | | 2/6/2012 | Success and Envy | RingmasterJ5 | >>82161
Raharu | >>83372 | 2/11/2012 | | 2/7/2012 | Sunshine Forever | Nug TWH | >>82426

Reviews in progress

Sparky | | | | 12/29/2011 | In Fragments | James Corck | >>74834
Kurbz | | | | 12/30/2011 | Flying High, Falling Hard | soundslikeponies | >>74994
Anendlessepidemic | | | | 1/10/2012 | Legend of the Five Ponies | Simon o'Sullivan | >>77208
Uma | | | | 1/15/2012 | The Rise of Harmony | SpaceKing | >>78010
TimeForKronos | | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Chowderhead | | | | 1/19/2012 | Void | Damocl | >>78822
Eustatian | | | | 1/19/2012 | Upon Wings of Sacrifice | Rated PonyStar | >>79019
Seattle_Lite | | | | 1/21/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>79352
Anonymous | | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
Halycon | | | | 2/1/2012 | When the Guardians Fall | Rachomachus | >>81206
Chowderhead | | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
Shadowking | | | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Cassius | | | | 2/7/2012 | Derpy Happens | outlaw4rc | >>82498
Cassius | | | | 2/7/2012 | A Cloud Divided | Dromer | >>82515
Cassius | | | | 2/7/2012 | Mark of the World | Jumplion | >>82582
Josh Meihaus | | | | 2/8/2012 | My Little Old Republic | AidanMaxwell | >>82762
Ryonne | | | | 2/8/2012 | Antipathy | LT Halle | >>82849
DeRPY!H0OVeS | | | | 2/10/2012 | Rainy Hooves | AzuNyan | >>83345
Cadmium | | | | 2/10/2012 | These Caves of Red | LunarShadow | >>83344


Unclaimed fics

| | | | 1/13/2012 | The Exchange | Solitair | >>77730
| | | | 1/18/2012 | The Last Elements | RavensDagger | >>78715
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
| | | | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
| | | | 1/30/2012 | The Quiet Place | Aynine | >>80806
| | | | 2/1/2012 | The Ballad of Asgard | Harkness | >>81192
| | | | 2/3/2012 | Through the Eyes of the Hurricane | Impossible Numbers | >>81505
| | | | 2/4/2012 | Ponies on a Plane | Tartdefiance | No post
| | | | 2/4/2012 | A Dash of Magic | Zaiker42 | no post
| | | | 2/5/2012 | Enabling | Starwind Dood and Your Antagonist | >>82127
| | | | 2/9/2012 | The Element of Steam | RavensDagger | >>83057
| | | | 2/10/2012 | Mistaken for Strangers | Evan MacIan | >>83155
| | | | 2/10/2012 | The Island of Marecadia | Jtylerg | >>83241
| | | | 2/10/2012 | The Eternal Gift | Josh Meihaus | >>83302
| | | | 2/10/2012 | Neo-Equestria | herpyderpy | >>83329
| | | | 2/10/2012 | A Brand New Reality | OrchestraOfOrder | >>83328
| | | | 2/10/2012 | Moonbound | Warmblood | >>83349
>> No. 83510
>>83476
I got a response, at >>82989, >>82977, and >>83068.
>> No. 83522
>>83289

It's time to try my hand at editing/reviewing. I'm claiming "Mistaken for Strangers." Let's see what I can manage to get done by Sunday, 11:59 pm Pacific Standard Time.

@Queue Maintainers: Post URL in queue currently points to post #83155. This should be updated to point to post #83289.
>> No. 83534
File 132901995538.png - (1.89MB , 2584x1968 , Whatjusthappened.png )
83534
>>82498


In-Doc Depth Review Done On: Chapter 1
Comments: 154
Word to Comment Ratio: 7.5


The problems of this story are very easily identified, yet hardly as easy to fix. To be frank, your prose and narrative abilities are terribly abysmal; there is no strong central narrator, as the perspective shifts from Derpy to Rainbow almost on a whim, and the writing style is repetitive to say the least. I assume this stems from inexperience, and will improve with time and study.

The story itself is fairly simple and not objectively bad, in fact it is mildly humorous at times, but it is savagely beaten to death by lackluster prose. A writer must make it enjoyable to read his words as it is to enjoy the story. There needs to be equilibrium between story and the writing itself, which this fiction does not have. As I see it, the sentence structuring is dire need of variation. The "and" conjunction is mercilessly abused without remorse. Such systemic issues need to be painstakingly rectified by the author into making the story positively readable. The story in its current form is frankly boring due to an excess of repetitive structuring, which is often a symptom of telling writing.

The first chapter, despite its rather noble attempts to extrapolate emotion through dialogue, is very telling from a narrative standpoint. The characters do actions, maybe a emotion adjective is thrown in for effect, but it never does focus on the characters as a whole. We never get to see how Derpy feels, why she feels, what makes Derpy. We just are told what she does. It is for this reason that the narrative reads like an outline rather than a coherent story with likable and known characters. This is unacceptable, especially since you are given a huge amount of leeway when making such character's likable and their motivations known in in fan-fiction. The difference from say, regular fiction, is that the audience already cares about Rainbow Dash because we already know her. We don't need to hear explanations to why she wants to race Applejack because we already know from established canon that she is competitive. But, you do have to show the reader how your character feels, their reactions to situations, and assorted desires and needs that makes a conscious entity believable. in this regard, the fic falls flat on its face. There is little to no insight on these characters, which is a possibly a result of a poor narrative stance.

Read up on style and presentation. Possibly check out Strunk and White from the local library. In my opinion, story presentation is the most crucial element of a good fiction work; if your musings are illegible, I could care less about your brilliant story. If your story is built upon repetitive phrasings and unclear vocabulary, it doesn't matter how good your story is.

The setting is a persistent problem in this story. I am always confused as to where exactly the story is taking place, what objects are at hand, and their purpose. For example, in your introduction you place Derpy swiping at an alarm clock. You mentioned a home that she lived in earlier, but you never expressly told the reader that she was inside the house. Readers are stupid, stupid people that will not be able to infer any information of the background that you do not relay to them, because of this, it is your job to construct a setting for them to occupy. If your setting is full of holes, your reader will simply fall through it, and the realism behind it will be destroyed.

Your grammar is actually fairly decent with one particular exception. For whatever reason, you do not feel it necessary to offset a subordinating conjunction clause ( I had to go, but my girlfriend beckoned me back to the bed). This is an error that was consistent throughout the entire piece, and I wonder why, because you seem to have a good grasp on mechanics otherwise.

The way in which you go about describing things is awkward in some cases. Phrasing, especially due to your repetitive structure, is strained. Your verb choice is very, very odd in some situations, and it perplexed me to no end when you wrote sentences like:

>The blond Pegasus wriggled her eyelid.

What on earth does this mean? How do you "wriggle" your eyelid? In most cases though, this can be fixed by just substituting a better suited verb.

I guess Lavender Unicorn Syndrome does deserve a mention in this review even though I'm sure I drilled that message straight into your skull with the "Refer to comment about LUS" message. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, Celestia's Sun, Luna's Moon, and the like are all terrible, terrible phrases that are commonly seen in works of fan fiction. Due to people not knowing better, they inadvertently spread this horrible style to others like a disease, and like a disease it infects their writing. Please, tell everyone you know to stop using these cliche and nonsensical phrases! We need this to end! Properly placed pronouns are the cure!

I noticed that this story was labelled Comedy. Some of the moments are mildly humorous, but from what I saw, the dial needs to be cranked up a bit more on the humor. Comedy is often over-the-top, but this story seems to play it safe and never take risks in this regard, which I feel causes it to suffer greatly. There was a moment where Derpy ATE a wall, but that did not come across as comedic as it lacked emphasis. It simply said,

>Derpy ate the yellow wall and

which makes it seem like you were attempting to play it straight.

This story is another one of those stories that is well-received on FIMfiction, but does not stand a chance at getting to EqD without TLC. It's not inherently flawed in its conception, yet the base it stands upon is rotted and decayed. There are serious issues in this story pertaining to readability and telling that need to be carefully corrected and improved. Read published fiction and observe how they describe the background elements, read style guides to see how to write objectively with a purpose.

This story can get on EqD. The fanbase jumps on stories like this. You just need to commit to writing objectively better prose, concentrate on scene building and characterization, and for god's sake don't reduce your character's actions to a list. Once again, you can learn a good portion of these style nuances from reading other people's stories, or even reviewing at the Training Grounds. Seeing other people's mistakes makes it easier to see your own.

Simply put, as this review grows longer than the chapter it was for, you just need to improve your ability and try again. For the most part, you have a fairly decent ear for dialogue. You just need to get better at some of your failings, and I'm sure this story will shine.
>> No. 83537
>>82778
>>83476


I have a question. I have a problem finding my review and even though I have clicked the link for the review and gone to the training grounds queue and tried searching for it. I can't seem to find it and I do require some assistance.

It says its been reveiwed but I can not for the life of me seem to find it.

Its the Three Souls and yet, it takes me to the Star Wars Parody review post. Some help would greatly be appreciated
>> No. 83539
>>83429
>Well great. Now I know what I'm doing tonight.
I'm very glad the open ending was obvious. That was a big concern.
>The open ending is supposed to be your choice between the two. Do you pick happy ponies or crazy bronies?
It's a choice between "I read a fic with snark" and "I read a bad self-insert". Like I said, I'm optimistic, so... ;)

>When I reread it, I felt that Pinkie was a pretty weak character. I didn't really like that. What I was trying to do was reexplain the exact same story in a more detailed, realistic fashion. So instead of: pinkie sees rainboom = pinkie throws party. I wanted to show how she struggled with trying to become who she really was.
Since you're in the vantage point of "inside Pinkie's brain", you could give her thoughts form and face. Personificating those might help. It's a relatively fresh perspective on thought in general, and that in turn might work as a secondary hook.

>Wow, typing that out made me realize what I want to do with it. I think I'm going to try and make you fall in love with pinkie. I'll explain her struggle better and I'll have her over come it in a heartfelt way. As I read it now, it's just "Pinkie's story isn't like the show". You don't really become emotionally attached to the concept of her throwing the party.
Good idea. There are tons of bronies who are already emotionally attached to the characters, and the slightest event is enough to warrant a sniffle. /fic/ has almost none of these, heh.

>Lol! He wasn't digging out his eyeball. It was a lobotomy, and the first chapter sets that up. This whole thing is basically a metaphor for bronies vs. society. The madness symbolizes our subculture. The lobotomy symbolizes society's desire to control us.
I'm afraid th symbolism's lost on me. Usually, a violent scene is, well, violence. I thought you were going for shock value, which you achieved fairly well despite the randomness of it.

I wasn't aware that sanitariums did lobotomies on lost causes, though.

>Thanks again! I'll consider reading your comments and letting them stew, but I'm not sure I'm patient enough for that.
No problem! Just take to your fic as critically as possible, and it will benefit considerably.
>> No. 83543
>>83537

Sorry about that, there seems to have been a mistake somewhere. That review was for a different story. Yours hasn't been reviewed yet. Sorry for the mix-up. x.x
>> No. 83545
>>83543
Okay thanks... Sorry, I just saw the updates today, (was busy all week turn 20) and I see Review, thinking, "YAY another birthday present... only to discover this.

-shurgs- oh well. Patience is a virtue and I will abide by it as much as possible. Sorry for any trouble Dublio.
>> No. 83547
>>83534

First off, I appreciate your candor. Yes, my narration needs a lot of work. Ideally, I'd take a class to rectify this, but that's not an option for me at this time. The only avenues I have to improve myself is reading other works, as you suggested, and writing, which is what I have been doing non-stop for quite a while. Sounds like I need to take a break so that I can make mental notes of what others are doing.

The "and" issue is something no one has mentioned to me. In fact, when I checked the Word version of my story, I counted 317 instances. That's unacceptable, and I'm certain it's because of my sentence structure. My guess for this flaw is because of some irrational fear of going into purple prose, which, frankly, makes little sense. That line of thinking is going to get chucked out. I will say that because I intended this to be a comedic story, there was this subconscious belief that the pace had to be fast which is partly why settings and related items did not have the proper setup.

At this point, the story's going to be set aside while I go through fics I've been meaning to read. Maybe I'll learn the way to pull the imagery in my head into a form that isn't disjointed and boring. Then I can tear apart my fic in order to rebuild it into something more cohesive.
>> No. 83548
>>83344
>>83360
Due to long export times and youtube issues, your review will not be available tonight. I expect that I'll have the problems solved by tomorrow. It will be worth the wait.
>> No. 83551
Title: [Pony-Net]
Author: RavensDagger
Email: Mr.chicken501@gmail.com
Tags: Dark Comedy Random
Description:
Military research facility five, built in the year 31NLR, has been unmaintained and abandoned for over seventeen years. Now the central AI [Pony-Net] has found itself a new friend. How will a super intelligent computer cope with the stupidity of an organic being?

Basically a messed up fic about the interactions of two equally messed up chars. Then they die.

Link:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kVB6Qi-bloAVaeJW94VgZHYJigJ5rKn7CW8UmrzGfBI/edit
Chapters:
This is a one-shot.
Comments:
I'd really appreciate a quick edit and point out of the mistakes I have made, my previous editor simply told me that I had made a few without ever going into any more details then vanished...
>> No. 83565
Title: A Dash of Magic
Name: Zaiker42
Email: ryannelson.x.13@gmail.com
Tags: [Normal][Shipping]

Synopsis: Everyone deserves a second chance. You just have to be loyal enough to be the one to give it. Who knows? Maybe something will come out of it. Maybe something you've always been searching for, without even knowing it will appear. Something…Great and Powerful, even.

Links:
Chapter 1: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8732/1/A-Dash-of-Magic/A-Dash-of-Magic---Part-1

Comments: Direct quote from email regarding story, taken from the EqD pre-readers, “They are recommending you get this edited on the Ponychan Training Grounds! Mainly for too many ellipses and general grammar/word choice/etc. on the rest!”
>> No. 83568
>>83565
Re-submitted because my previous post was in the wrong thread.
>> No. 83578
Title: A Star’s Golden Chance

Name: The Zephyr

Email: espee4449@yahoo.com

Tags: [Normal] [Crossover] [Shipping]

Synopsis: "There comes a time in a pony's life where chances must be made." It's this statement that Golden Star, a clumsy, yet determined unicorn stallion follows during rough times while trying to achieve a successful future. Now that statement will be put to the test as both he and his childhood friends take on an opportunity that they don't think they're prepared for. But little does Golden Star know is that there is a bigger, yet mysterious "chance" that's vastly approaching, just begging for him to take it...........
This story takes place during "Moonlight Over Midnight" by EsperDerek (A special thanks to him for giving me permission to use his material).

Links:
Chapter 1: A Shocking Punishment
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1HXPdBfvwZvSvz0dtJ134tt_NA4evtS7wVu6_jxYnEnA
Chapter 2: Striking Midnight
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1yZE1C9FSqhC68bj-DARxP1bI5W1txCM3eKQmnWHgQK4

Comments/Request: I would like both chapters reviewed please.
The pre-readers at Equestria Daily said:
1) Comma abuse. The first paragraph is a good example.
2) Misspelling or word choice. It's 'donned' not 'dunned'
3) Tense shift. You're mixing tenses, in a way. Better: "It had been almost a year since my friends and I had'
It has been almost a year since my friends and I have
4) Lots of telling vs. showing. A great deal of the background was provided by narrator when it could've been better done by character interaction.
5) Capitalization/punctuation issues: Correct: "Hi!" she said. "Hi," she said. Incorrect: "Hi!" She said. "Hi," She said.
You do this one a lot, throughout the work.
>> No. 83591
File 132903487381.jpg - (70.00KB , 300x189 , party.jpg )
83591
>>82461

>Right, my apologies for taking so long. Good lord, you write fast.

I seriously did not expect anyone to review 70k+ words for me in a timely manner. Don't even worry about it.

>From what I see from your revision notes and what little I did read from a brief skimthrough, it appears you did went on to correct the errors which I pointed out from my previous review, especially the part about how the entire world was supposed to end. Rogue nations nuking the United States and causing massive fallout is /slightly/ more plausible than the entire world forgetting to spin. It is however, still quite implausible, but not quite the mighty blow to science. Even after massive fallouts, I'd imagine humans would manage to eke out an existence ala Fallout, but eh, many things could have happened since. It's good you left it vague instead. Cookie for you then.

I really could not come up with any better explanation. But, by taking your advice from the last review and leaving everything vague, allowing for there to be so many variables, it creates a possible scenario as you said.

>Pony guards beating the stuffing out of Patrick.
What. You would think ponies would be better than that. But that small matter aside, Celestia also lets the guard go just like that after witnessing (or at least deducing) what they had done. Assuming she the benelovent monarch you seem to be portraying her, you think Celestia would do something (eg. demoting the guard on the spot.) to amply demostrate to Patrick how sincere she was. I do believe you have a missed opportunity here.

Perhaps I did. There are a lot of things I wish I would have written or changed, but this story has generated a pretty decent following, and I've decided not to do another big revision as I don't want to piss of the readers I currently have by having them re-read certain things, although I do agree with you.

...And my writing skills have grown as I've written this. My skill level as an amateur writer is something I'm only able to control by working on and improving over time, and in the process I miss a lot of opportunities.

>Also: important-looking Pegasus.
Herp derp capitalisation. Fix this. You do this throughout the fic on occasion.

I type in Microsoft Word, and for whatever reason, it automatically capitalizes "Pegasus" as a proper noun. Since it does this every time I type the word and I'm consistently too lazy to stop the auto-correct from doing it, I'm left with a lot of capitalization errors I miss.

>Alicorn spells can affect hyumans, unicorn can't. Herp derp. I think there's something wrong with this explaination. Frankly speaking, I'm not sure why you made such an important distinction between alicorn magic and unicorn magic. They appear to be the one and the same after all in the show. A better explaination would be Celestia having centuries to study humans and their quirks, and thus was able to figure out their magic immunity or some funky techno/magicobabble.

I am excising this bit. Originally, I was going somewhere else with this, but now I'm going a different direction with the ending.

>Rainbow Dash offering to bust Patrick out. Wut. Okay, so Patrick is a friend. Maybe the bestest of friend from the way you portrayed Rainbow Dash. But for her to openly go against the Princess just on the drop of the hat? Um. No. Not likely. It feels forced, just for the sake of providing dwama and angst. Same when you made Rarity scream, I quote, “Let’s get Patrick out of that lying, murdering Celestia’s hooves!” I facepalmed at that. What is needed here is a scene, maybe more, to illustrate the difficult decision the mane six had to take after hearing the Princess's revelation. Explore the depths of their feelings regarding the decision the Princess made. Not just, "Oh look Princess murdered my friend's dad. RAWR!" Right now, it feels like you're just brushing aside a life-long devotion of their princess for some human they just knew only a few weeks. Remember, this is the goddess of Equestria we're talking about, not some mere princess.

I agree with what you're saying here. It is a bit rushed, there was not much build-up to it, and I probably could have executed the timing much better.

As far as the "goddess of Equestria" title goes: When I started writing this, Season 2 wasn't out yet. Now it is, but I've decided to continue writing it in my mindset I originally had (i.e: using fanon Luna.) and I didn't see Celestia as that, which I now believe was a missed opportunity.

>Pony swearing. Hearing Twilight or the mane six speaking such filth always filled me cognitive dissonance and this makes no exception. Please, excise them if you can.

I feel the same way about the Mane 6 swearing. The only instance I can think of where I did this was these lines:

>“How would you react if some bitch was responsible for killing your friends, destroying your family, and your life?!”
“That bitch happens to be my mentor!” Twilight replied.

She was sarcastically repeating a name Patrick called her princess, and not directly swearing. I felt that in that instance it was okay, so I don't think I'm going to excise that one.

>This sentence summed up what I feel wrong about this fic. How on Earth can his friendship be stronger than the one shown by Twilight and friends? As of yet, you have shown to be a bitchy, and admittedly tragic, character, but he displays none of the requesite characteristics of friends. Heck, you hardly ever show his friends. Up to this point of the story, I cannot see why he's chosen at all. At this point, I'll say you need to allude more to Patrick's friendship than merely just the flashbacks we see.

Again, I agree with you here. I rushed things and I missed opportunities. I'm only writing this story for fun, but I have always been a bit of a perfectionist, and that perfectionist part of me only sees better ways to write things until a long period after that's been put out. I really only focused on Patrick's relationship with his best friend, and the rest of them were just baggage because there needed to be 6 elements. Perhaps if I had an individual flashback for each of his friends, them sharing a close moment to emphasize that bond, it would make more sense other than just having to go on my explanation of "Patrick and his friends are the best bff's in the history of friendship roflmao xDDDD"

Anyway Grif, thank you so much for taking the time to read through all that and throw me another review. Without your guidance from the first review several months ago, and some from this one, I probably would not have been able to finish the story. Or, it would just turn into a pile of steaming gary-stu [HiE] self-insertness, which I've tried to avoid this from turning into.

I'll be putting out the final chapters soon and finally putting this story to rest. Thanks again for your wonderfully blunt review!
>> No. 83599
>>83522
Review acknowledged.
>> No. 83602
File 132903801552.png - (172.91KB , 335x335 , stayfancy_small.png )
83602
Out of curiosity, is this still open?
>> No. 83608
>>83602
Yes, yes it is.
>> No. 83629
>>83234

It's alright. I'll keep this up here for review, but I've gotten enough feedback from friends that I'm not bent out of shape about this. I could probably start revisions now, actually, but I'll get to that when I get to it.
>> No. 83641
>>83539
>It's a choice between "I read a fic with snark" and "I read a bad self-insert". Like I said, I'm optimistic, so... ;)
I think I know what you mean by this. When I originally wrote this, I think the main character was more of a puppet. Then I got the "Gary Stu" input and I changed him up quite a bit. He became this dark person, and I had trouble molding the story around him. By the end he felt unrecognizable, which was a fun read for me because I created him, but it probably wasn't as fun for you. I think I need to put more work into what type of personality the characters have. I literally started writing this fan fic with only the concept of "crazy man invades Pinkie Pie's mind", everything else was made up on the fly. I want my main character to walk a tie rope between crazy and likeable because I naturally want bronies to choose madness over lobotomy.

>Since you're in the vantage point of "inside Pinkie's brain", you could give her thoughts form and face
I like it.

>I wasn't aware that sanitariums did lobotomies on lost causes, though.

Lobotomies aren't used hardly as much as they were in the past. They used to perform them on a wide range of mental illnesses, including ADHD. Hollywood has been playing that angle for a while, so I stole it.

Again, thank you. You did an excellent job of pointing out where I could improve.
>> No. 83643
>>83599

Just to avoid confusion on the part of either the author or the queue maintainer, I've not yet completed my review. Time constraints make it necessary for me to work over multiple sittings.

@Evan MacIan I appreciate you having made many of the suggested corrections. Many concern comma use with conjunctions and in direct address. I se