I wonder where Echoes went? This thread was such a great idea. I'd hate to see it go to waste.
Note: The Duet Never Played is the only fic out of the ones in this post that I've actually read from start to finish. Skipped over [Grimdark] fics for the same reason I don't look at Sci-fi.
>>72471 (Untitled, LTD)
>When Spike is curious about Twilight's pile of scrolls on her writing desk, he decides to take a peek.
>When he does, however, he is surprised to the point of lighting it afire, and while he tries to blow it out, sends it to Celestia.
>His life will change completely, turning him into more than a baby dragon--- The most powerful dragon in the world of Equestria....
Ehhh, no thanks. Your first sentence is kind of lackluster. Your second sentence is also pretty bland in both wording and story-content. Your third sentence tells me that your fic follows an old cliche Chosen One plotline. I don't think I can help you here.
>>73235 (The Duet Never Played)
>Old love or new friend?
>A choice unknown, a heart torn.
>One mimics the other.
I'm assuming this goes with a [Shipping] tag, that Lyra and Octavia picture, and Lyra, Octavia, and Bon-Bon in the character tags at the bottom of the Equestria Daily post or FiMFiction character tag list. In which case, the picture contradicts the idea that there's a choice, and the description contradicts the fic because your fic is mostly "Lyra goes to see Octavia and Bon-Bon is a minor character"... Well, I suppose that's an issue for your reviewers to look at. If the fic actually revolved around Lyra's choice, then I'd say the first two sentences would fit nicely (maybe put a comma after "love"), but
>One mimics the other.
This makes no sense to me.
>Lyra leads a solitary existence in Ponyville, but is faced with a surprise choice when confronted by one of her few friends in a way she had never noticed.
Seeing as how your story is Lyra x Octavia, this makes little sense. I say the haiku is better as a synopsis.
While we're at it, your title seems to have little to do with the fic unless you're driving the Lyra x Octavia as hard as you can. In which case, the synopsis needs to show that.
>We all wear a mask called composure, beneath which hides a heart that twists with guilt and hidden feelings. Regal as she is, Princess Celestia is no exception. What might be revealed should circumstances cause this mask to slip - or break?
If your plot twist is that the fic is Twilestia, then I think you're losing readers by not mentioning it. Also, if it is, the [Shipping] and character tags on Equestria Daily or FiMFiction will likely give it away anyways. Though, given the popularity of this fic, I think everyone who wants that ship has already read it and is awaiting your next chapter. Though it looks to me like your synopsis is more like an opening to a high/secondary school English class essay than a synopsis. Also, you ask a question without answering it. You might answer it in the fic, but if those reading the synopsis can come up with answers of their own that satisfy themselves, they won't need your answers and won't read your fic. Probably.
That's what I'm saying without having actually read the first chapter from start to finish. I remember something about dreams and nightmares, but stopped before any shipping happened. Looking at your synopsis, I'm fairly certain your popularity came from the actual writing, the fairly unique ship, and word-of-mouth recommendations like that one thread on FiMChan.
>>73577 (The Book of Friendship)
>Twilight Sparkle sent many letters to Princess Celestia detailing what she learned about the magic of friendship. These letters, along with many other writings, were collected into a book. The "Book of Friendship," as it was called, contained many teachings of love and tolerance, sharing and caring.
The second sentence seems like it could be merged into the first or third sentence. That's what the verb being "were" tells me, anyways. Also, length + exposition in a synopsis = Derpy wants to move onto something else.
>And an organization based around this book sprang up, called the Fraternity of the Joyous Friends of Princess Celestia.
"Sprang up" seems like a pretty weak verb phrase, and the comma after "up" seems like it shouldn't be there. And the modifier of
>called the Fraternity of the Joyous Friends of Princess Celestia
seems pretty misplaced. I think you need to put it closer to the thing it's modifying.
>And an organization
And you're starting a sentence with a conjunction. Okay in prose when done properly, not very okay in synopses when you're trying to get readers. It makes it sound like "And then this happened."
>And whenever a Brother (or Sister) comes of age, it is their task to spread the word of the magic of friendship across Equestria and beyond.
The parentheticals seems largely unnecessary, and "across Equestria and beyond" sounds odd. If they were crossing Equestria to get to the other side, then sure, but if they're starting in Equestria, then... Across Equestria's borders, maybe? But that's the same as "beyond", isn't it?
>This is the story of Brother White and Brother Scroll, two young stallions who have been tasked with spreading the word to Earthquake Island. Unfortunately, Earthquake Island is not particularly interested in party games.
Not sure about the "This is the story" part. Even the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air opening had the word "now" in front of it. And this third paragraph seems kind of disjointed from the previous two. There's a flow of thought between the first and second, but not really between the second and third. I think you need a better transition than "This is the story".
I'm guessing this is more [Comedy] than [Grimdark].
>>73588 (Untitled, Roan)
I can't say anything of much use because lack of tags, except the bold and line breaks on the second make me want to move onto the next fic. Oh, and you put commas before conjunctions when they don't separate independent clauses or items in a list. Those should be removed.
The first one... I don't know what's going on. Is this a Fallout: Equestria side story? Comma splice in
>Not that they really cared, hay, I couldn't possibly care.
is usually hyphenated.
>Funny how they'd boast my own band . . . Not that they really cared, hay, I couldn't possibly care.
This style of ellipsis really bothers me for some reason. If you go to any published book, you... see that kind of ellipsis. You'll also see a font that isn't Times New Roman, where the dots in the ellipses aren't spaced out as much. (Or maybe they have their own very fat ellipsis character with the spaces.)
The second one's first paragraph reminds me of that time I ate those moldy muffins.
These should be hyphenated.
So yeah, in neither of the synopsis can I tell what the fic is about. Unless the second one should be taken at face value, in which case, I guess I'm not your audience.
>>75898 (Untitled, Dramkire)
>If what you knew could save the lives of countless others, wouldn't you try to act?
If what you... Wait, what? Assuming you meant "what if", that still doesn't seem to follow...
Ohhh. The "what" shouldn't be there. I get it. That makes a lot more sense. Why would you use "wouldn't" instead of "would"? "Wouldn't" makes it sound rhetorical. "Would" makes it sound less rhetorical. ...Wait, that's still bad. Open questions like this sound like ways to head a high school essay, not a way to get readers' attentions.
>Sand Shaper knows of one future that could yet come to pass.
Could... yet? I am confused.
>Soliciting help from the throne, she strives to avert disaster while protecting those she cares about, in the process learning the constraints of fate and the limits of friendship.
I stopped reading this sentence somewhere around "strives to avert" because all your big words made my eyes defocus.
>>75910 (Into the Night)
>[Normal] shifting to [Dark] later, [Adventure] [Long]
and went "Too many tags, no thanks."