Here's where Derpy-anon and I tossed some ideas back and forth at one another. >>67432 for example.

I approve this thread wholeheartedly.

>Nightmare Moon has returned. Everypony over the age of eighteen has fallen into a sleep that will not end, and monsters from the stars ravage what's left of Equestria. The Elements of Harmony, led by a still-waking Princess Celestia, must protect those left awake. They must forge friendship into a weapon and defeat the terrors of the night once and for all.
I cut out that last sentence because I have no idea what Bliss Stage is. I think your synopsis here doesn't actually get to the meat of your story, giant robots. The first three lines are just exposition (which I'm guessing you spent the first one to three chapters of your fic explaining or expanding on), and that last one makes me think of a +10 Sword Mace of Exposive Muffinry.

>Princess Celestia left this land long ago, unable to bear the sins of the mortal world.
Exposition in the description is something I disagree with. I'd say this could be made into a clause in front of another sentence.

>Her followers, the Faithful of the Princess of Light, try to live their lives in accordance with her teachings, but even the Faithful sometimes stray.
Big, long proper nouns. That's something that'd turn me away.

>When that happens, the Princess’s Watchdogs step in to heal the wounds—or cauterize them, if necessary.
I am now lost as to what your fic is about. I'm not actually going to read the next sentence.

>Sunshine Flutter is a new Dog, devoted to his faith but untested. Accompanying him are Dazzle Daring, a city unicorn turned devotee, and Marshal, a veteran Dog with a dark past.
At this point, I have moved onto the next thread/Equestria Daily post/FiMFiction... thingy. (Well, putting character bios in the description is something that should be reserved for character fics, I think.)

What the hay, I'll give this a whirl.

Into the Night

[Normal] shifting to [Dark] later, [Adventure] [Long].

Princess Celestia has long tried to provide the best possible quality of life to all peoples. There are however, those who would rather stay in their isolated past— those who, for inexplicable reasons, would rather live at a disadvantage than accept help. Then there are those who seek power over others, and nothing more: through manipulation, demagoguery, and honeyed promises, a force rises that poses a threat to all Nations, but whose eyes rest firmly on the Thrones of the Royal Sisters.

As the truth of the situation becomes apparent, the Nations realise that more is at stake than they could ever have imagined, but do they have time to save themselves and defeat the foe, or will the world be plunged into a darkness it has never known?


It's pretty chunky, but that is well cut down from what it was originally.

Alright, since I'll probably start posting my story on FIMFiction this Saturday, I might as well work on my summary.

Anthropology
[Comedy] [Adventure]

Lyra's always been different from other ponies. Perhaps it has something to do with her obsession with humans - sometimes she feels like she's the only pony who believes in or has even heard of the creatures. What's her connection to them?

>>71060
>What's her connection to them?

You want to do something more solid here. I don't know what your story is, but I jumped to three potential answers, which you will not be able to fulfill those expectations. You can't have her secretly be a human, be psychically connected to the human world, and live in the human world when she's asleep at the same time.

>>70779
>I cut out that last sentence because I have no idea what Bliss Stage is.
I happen to like to know what it is a story is crossing over with. There's enough abuse with the crossover tag as there is.
Cutting the second half of the sentence is fine though. Crossovers should be written with the clueless in mind. especially with RPGs.

[Dark Comedy][Shipping]

Me?
I'm Rainbow Dash.
Things are looking pretty up for yours truly: I've finally mastered the Sonic Rainboom and can pull it off at the drop of a feather, I just graduated with honours from the Cloudsdale University as a fully-licensed Weather Operator (who knew that I'd be a fast learner too?) and am on the short list for joining the legendary Wonderbolts!

Or at least, I was.
'Cept then I died.
But here's the kicker; I'm not supposed to be dead! Well, at least that's what Death told me. Queer pony, but he's got a cool fatalist outlook on life, or rather, the lack of it. Anyways, he won't give me the specifics, but I'm not scheduled to "buy the farm" (which sounds like it would be right up Applejack's alley) for a good, long time. In fact, this has never happened to him before! But, as much as I love doing what was before considered to be impossible, I never really wanted to be the best at [i]dying]/i].

Lucky for me, Death likes a good wager from time to time, so we've struck a deal: If I find my body first, he'll get the ol' ticker pumping again, but if he finds it before I do I'll be hitting heaven's hay a few seasons early.
Assuming I don't take him up on his offer to be a temp for him, of course (which, come on, you have to admit it'd be pretty cool to be the ponysonification of death).

I'm in a literal race against Death and, if I still had a heart, it'd be pounding with excitement.

>>70779
Thanks for your response, Derpy Anon!

>Last sentence
I think it's important to mention what I'm crossing over with and who did it, for credit where credit is due, especially since Bliss Stage is so obscure. Minty's probably right about leaving off the last part, though. Potentially reads as defensive, à la "He's not a Gary Stu," if not quite as bad.

>Exposition
In the story, I've managed to compress the necessary exposition into a 3,000-4,000 prologue. It makes for a pretty dense prologue, although I think I've managed to avoid "leaden."

>Lack of giant robots.
This is a good point. "Friendship is Giant Robots" and "Forge friendship into a weapon" are meant literally: the giant robots are made out of weaponized friendship. (Because MAGIC. And SCIENCE.) That connection should be made explicit.

I'd kind of like to see your take on the story proper, though this isn't the thread for that. Email's in my trip, if you want.

>Ponies in the Vineyard
I was much less sure what I wanted from this synopsis, and I think you've given me some thoughts on where to go with it. I do intend the story to be as much character- as plot-driven, so that's something for me to think about, too.

Thanks again, Derpy Anon. Glad you like the thread.

>>71059

Princess Celestia has long tried to provide the best possible quality of life to all peoples. There are however, those who would rather stay in their isolated past— those who, for inexplicable reasons, would rather live at a disadvantage than accept help. Then there are those who seek power over others, and nothing more: through manipulation, demagoguery, and honeyed promises, a force rises that poses a threat to all Nations, but whose eyes rest firmly on the Thrones of the Royal Sisters.

As the truth of the situation becomes apparent, the Nations realise that more is at stake than they could ever have imagined, but do they have time to save themselves and defeat the foe, or will the world be plunged into a darkness it has never known?

First, you end with a rhetorical question. I assume the answer is "Yes, the good guys win, eventually."

Secondly, I'm not really sure what your story is about. I see some sort of Big Bad, but I'm not sure how you're going to address it. The synopsis seems to indicate you could be focusing on the political aspects, which might be interesting. If you're doing the more standard heroic adventure, I'd like to hear a few names. No one gets named, with the exception of Celestia right in the beginning. It's all "people," "those," "a force," and "Nations." (Why is that capitalized, by the way?)

The synopsis sounds like bog-standard Hero's Adventure. What details make your story special?

>I happen to like to know what it is a story is crossing over with. There's enough abuse with the crossover tag as there is. Cutting the second half of the sentence is fine though. Crossovers should be written with the clueless in mind. especially with RPGs.
I like it when the synopsis is self-contained and the crossover source's title is in the Additonal Tags section on Equestria Daily or as a "Crossover/Based on" unless it brings up character names from the source, like "Twilight Sparkle and Optimus Prime forge an alliance to defeat Mojo Jojo." Since it doesn't sound like anything explicitly from Bliss Stage makes an appearance by name, I'd say the name "Bliss Stage" is a case of the first, which is why I cut it off my comment. I'd say that last sentence is fine as it is for FiMFiction, though. (Maybe as its own one-line paragraph? But that might make it seem too obtrusive. Hmmm...)

>Death in the Fast Lane
This was in the Story Forge, wasn't it? How's that going?

>Me?
>I'm Rainbow Dash.
>Things are looking pretty up for yours truly: I've finally mastered the Sonic Rainboom and can pull it off at the drop of a feather, I just graduated with honours from the Cloudsdale University as a fully-licensed Weather Operator (who knew that I'd be a fast learner too?) and am on the short list for joining the legendary Wonderbolts!
I'd put all these in the same paragraph without line breaks. I think they look nicer that way. Let's see...
>Me? I'm Rainbow Dash. Things are looking pretty up for yours truly: I've finally mastered the Sonic Rainboom and can pull it off at the drop of a feather, I just graduated with honours from the Cloudsdale University as a fully-licensed Weather Operator (who knew that I'd be a fast learner too?) and am on the short list for joining the legendary Wonderbolts!
Yup. Better.

And
>Weather Operator
sounds like a job more than a title in context. For example,
>I used to be a Bus Driver back in Cloudsdale.
>I used to be a bus driver back in Cloudsdale.

I think that's everything in that line. Oh, wait, parallelism.
>I've finally mastered...
>I just graduated...
>am...
You're missing an I before "am", it looks like?

>the Cloudsdale University
Maybe it's just a Canadian/Commonwealth thing, but I've never heard "the" precede a university name unless the name started with "University of", like "University of Cloudsdale."
>I went to the University of Cloudsdale.
>I went to Cloudsdale University.

>But here's the kicker; I'm not supposed to be dead!
This semicolon feels like it'd be be better off as a colon, but then you'd have a colon in every paragraph. Maybe change the first one to a period, combining the first part of that sentence with the sentence before it?
>Me? I'm Rainbow Dash, and things are looking pretty up for yours truly. I've...
>But here's the kicker: I'm not supposed to be dead! Well...

>a cool fatalist outlook on life, or rather, the lack of it.
For parallelism, "a cool fatalist outlook on life" maps to "the lack of it", but "the" and "it" are specific, while "a" is pretty open. How does
>a cool fatalist outlook on life, or rather, a lack of one.
sound to you? ...Well, now it sounds weird to me, because I don't see how a lack of a specific type of outlook on life can be considered cool... Oh, I see! The antecedent of "it" is "life", isn't it? A cool fatalist outlook on life, or rather, death. ...Hm, that doesn't so great, either. Fatalist outlook on death is kind of... given. I think. I mean, it's death. Ah, now I'm confused. I'm not a clever pony.

>If I find my body first, he'll get the ol' ticker pumping again, but if he finds it before I do I'll be hitting heaven's hay a few seasons early.
You have a comma between the if part and the then part before the conjunction, but not between the if and then parts after the conjunction. Might want to adding a comma here or removing the one there for standardizing. But looking at
>...if I still had a heart, it'd be pounding with excitement.
it looks like you'd be one to add a comma. Also, "a few seasons early" doesn't go well with "a good, long time" earlier.

>Assuming I don't take him up on his offer to be a temp for him, of course (which, come on, you have to admit it'd be pretty cool to be the ponysonification of death).
This entire sentence seems like an aside to me.

So, altogether (with modifications I'm too lazy to list)...
>Me? I'm Rainbow Dash.

>Things are looking pretty up for yours truly. I've finally mastered the Sonic Rainboom and can pull it off at the drop of a feather, I just graduated with honours from Cloudsdale University as a fully-licensed weather operator (who knew that I'd be a fast learner, too?) and I'm on the short list for joining the legendary Wonderbolts!

>'Cept then I died. But here's the kicker: I'm not supposed to be dead! Well, at least that's what Death told me. Queer pony, but he's got a cool fatalist outlook on death. Anyways, he won't give me the specifics, but I'm not scheduled to "buy the farm" (which sounds like it would be right up Applejack's alley) for a good, long time. In fact, this has never happened to him before! But, as much as I love doing what was before considered to be impossible, I never really wanted to be the best at dying.

>Luckily for me, Death likes a good wager from time to time, so we struck a deal: If I find my body first, he'll get the ol' ticker pumping again, but if he finds it before I do, I'll be hitting heaven's hay early (assuming I don't take him up on his offer to be a temp for him, which, come on, you have to admit would be pretty cool to be the equinification of death).

>I'm in a literal race against Death, and if I still had a heart, it'd be pounding with excitement.
S'what I think would be better. Of course, that's just me.

Hm. That looks more movie trailer than back-of-the-book synopsis, but I like it, and I think you used it to good effect. ...But I don't know how this would look on an Equestria Daily blog post or FiMFiction blurb section. It seems more suited for the first page after the inside cover of a book, anyways.

So how'd you say this was coming along again?

>>71079
Sorry, but sci-fi's not my jar of honey.

>>71083

>>First, you end with a rhetorical question. I assume the answer is "Yes, the good guys win, eventually."

Well… yes, but it’s very close and comes at a terrible cost.

>>Secondly, I'm not really sure what your story is about. I see some sort of Big Bad, but I'm not sure how you're going to address it.

How do you mean? How am I going to play the Big Bad?

The enemy in the fic is a coalition of factions from various species, each of whom feel they have been wronged by their home nation. They are led by a megalomaniacal and demagogic ex-Royal Guard officer, who thinks he can force the Princesses into submitting to him (it’d take a long time to explain how he plans to do this, but suffice to say he has magical back-up).

>>The synopsis seems to indicate you could be focusing on the political aspects, which might be interesting.

Yup, there’s a healthy dose of political intrigue in amongst the rest.

>>If you're doing the more standard heroic adventure, I'd like to hear a few names. No one gets named, with the exception of Celestia right in the beginning. It's all "people," "those," "a force," and "Nations." (Why is that capitalized, by the way?)

The story uses a LOT of OC’s, so I thought using names might be a little pointless, as no-one will know who they are anyway. Should I change this?

It’s a heroic story (adventure may be slightly inaccurate), yes, but it has several mildly heroic characters, rather than one super-hero. I capitalised nations because I felt it may be more fitting given that it is applied not just to countries, but species- I could be wrong there though.

>>What details make your story special?

OC Alicorn.

On a slightly more serious point… the plan for the story contains a lot of curve-balls, a fair few twists, general mystery (such as the identity of the bad guy), and, when the brown-stuff REALLY hits the fan, Celestia and Luna putting hoof to plot.

Oh, and an OC alicorn…

>>71084
'Kay, I can respect that. Thanks for the input on the synopses.

>>71229
Oh, yes, the OC alicorn story. Still haven't read it, but heard good things... still might want to skirt around that in the synopsis.

For names, you don't have to drop thirty OC's, but knowing the names of the major individuals, organizations, and countries would be nice.

For uniqueness, mystery and plot twists are nice, but you're still sounding like a basic Hero's Quest type thing. Political intrigue is something I don't see much, so you might want to emphasize that aspect. Find the core bits of your story that stand out, that make it more than just "War in Equestria" and "OC heroes and villains," and then tell us.

>>71287

I'll give a re-write a go, and get back to you...

I rewrote my synopsis recently and I've been looking for just this very thread. Opinions are very welcome. I'd like any tips you have to make this as eye-catching and engaging as possible. Since you've reviewed the story before, maybe you have some suggestions?

Staff Sergeant James Reichert, US Army, is serving a tour of duty in Iraq as a translator. At home he has a devoted wife, Sarah, and a beautiful daughter, Haley, who is an avid fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Haley makes him watch the show with her when he is on leave.

Until now, he considered My Little Pony to be just a show for little girls, filled with group hugs and mushy things like fashion and friendship. But when he's killed in action trying to save a local kid from the crossfire, he finds that he's been "rewarded" with a second chance in his daughter's fantasy world.

Now, James must face the crushing realization that Equestria isn't as Utopian as he thought it was, and find a way to live in this harshly real world. He'll find himself in the middle of a plot to fundamentally change Equestria for the worse, and that he's the only one to see it coming.

(Sad) (Adventure)

When Spike is curious about Twilight's pile of scrolls on her writing desk, he decides to take a peek. When he does, however, he is surprised to the point of lighting it afire, and while he tries to blow it out, sends it to Celestia. His life will change completely, turning him into more than a baby dragon--- The most powerful dragon in the world of Equestria....

Synopsis review, you say? I'll have a go.

Warpony 4k

[Sci-Fi] [Crossover] [Grimdark] [Alternate Universe]

Synopsis: The Holy Imperium of Equuleus encounters the Citadel Council and discovers that not only are they one of many "civilized" species in the Galaxy, but that there are evils more ancient and potent than even Chaos itself.

Alright, been having some trouble with this. After seeing mention of haiku in the Omnibus today, I came up with this:
>Old love or new friend?
>A choice unknown, a heart torn.
>One mimics the other.

However, the more "serious" one (actually just the one I've used more) is this:
>Lyra leads a solitary existence in Ponyville, but is faced with a surprise choice when confronted by one of her few friends in a way she had never noticed.

Just for reference, this is a shipping story that teases the reader with a little LyraxBon Bon and ends with LyraxOctavia. Links to both chapters below for those interested.
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XgEo7TkaobGFIvGHBPqGHNmMqTFFvMKcHfFZxDjMsVM/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lGNRE3k3J2O0qQgKY-yL_n4s2kOLG5OWS2cpGMQeKrA/edit?hl=en_US

Okay, I've wanted to improve my synopsis for a while now, so I'd love some advice.

Composure
[Normal] [Shipping]
Description: We all wear a mask called composure, beneath which hides a heart that twists with guilt and hidden feelings. Regal as she is, Princess Celestia is no exception. What might be revealed should circumstances cause this mask to slip - or break?
Additional Tags: Nightmare, Guilt, Secrets, Comfort, Trust.

See, I feel a little bit stuck, because A) it's a character study mostly, and plays around with the idea of personas the characters wear around each other, and B) there's a twist in the first chapter I feel I cannot allude to, for fear it will lessen the shock value. After that point, the reader is invested in the fic, and a synopsis seems moot. I'd like to actually explain it's a Twilestia fic though, so far I'm relying on the title image.

Chapter 1 here if you want to see what I mean: >>66024

I find my description somewhat... lacking.

The Book of Friendship

[Grimdark][Comedy][Crossover]

Description: Twilight Sparkle sent many letters to Princess Celestia detailing what she learned about the magic of friendship. These letters, along with many other writings, were collected into a book. The "Book of Friendship," as it was called, contained many teachings of love and tolerance, sharing and caring.

And an organization based around this book sprang up, called the Fraternity of the Joyous Friends of Princess Celestia. And whenever a Brother (or Sister) comes of age, it is their task to spread the word of the magic of friendship across Equestria and beyond.

This is the story of Brother White and Brother Scroll, two young stallions who have been tasked with spreading the word to Earthquake Island. Unfortunately, Earthquake Island is not particularly interested in party games.

Additional Tags: Two Ambiguously Gay Mormon Ponies

>>73577
I should also include links:

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EJ8wXKdXBCRuwIy7UQBIw3IjP7dA-pznknPXGo-3hzs/edit?hl=en_US

And chapter 11, which has similar introductory qualities, but sucks less: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1s5Roq7T99VBos4cPw8GFDPAoxUv4AAQEDFlEBf2_5Tg/edit?hl=en_US

Here's a couple.
#1
"Welcome to New Whinnipeg, home of the 'neo-classical' music group VOLT. We pride ourselves in producing the finest quality tobacco products, and providing the widest range of self defense armaments available on ANY Confederate station! We hope you enjoy your stay!"

That was one of the first things I heard upon entering Station 13. Funny how they'd boast my own band . . . Not that they really cared, hay, I couldn't possibly care. Everything went to hell just a week later, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

My name is Vinyl Scratch, and I bucked up. Big time.

#2
Blissful Diane Sundae is a pony that likes to throw parties. One thousand and twenty two years ago, she killed a colt named Pokey Pierce for 'ruining' one of these parties. Twenty one and a half years later, she falls madly in love with him. One year later, she gives her life to protect him from a grave threat.

Today, she starts remembering.

The machinations of gods, and life not of this world, will be witnessed in retrospect. Sinister plots once abandoned and forgotten will reappear, and only with the wisdom obtained in death will they be stopped.
A love transparent will rekindle.
A promise will be kept.

(Note, they are not for the same fic.

I can totally give this a try.

Title: Legend of the Five Ponies

Tags: [Crossover][Adventure][Grimdark][Shipping]

Synopsis: In the Empire of Ponyville under the rule of Empress Celestia, the 6 Greater Clans have to fight not only the threat that is Everfree Forest and its ruler, Dark Lord Discord, but they also have to handle their inner conflicts and clan rivalries.

I considered the synopsys appropriate at first, being a basic idea of what the whole saga will be about, but I wonder if it's applealing or could be improved.

I'd like to get in on this, for sure. The synopsis is one of two major weak points in my attention-grabbers, so any help would be appreciated.

Tags: Adventure

Synopsis:

If what you knew could save the lives of countless others, wouldn't you try to act?

Sand Shaper knows of one future that could yet come to pass. Soliciting help from the throne, she strives to avert disaster while protecting those she cares about, in the process learning the constraints of fate and the limits of friendship.

Holy Threadurrection!

I've got a new version of my synopsis for you Echoes, if you're still running this thread.

Into the Night

[Normal] shifting to [Dark] later, [Adventure] [Long].

A threat to Equestria is revealed when Princess Luna is attacked while returning from a day trip. Though the immediate fenemy is defeated, it is soon apparent that there is more to the attack than meets the eye.

Through manipulation, demagoguery, and honeyed promises, a force has risen which poses a threat to all nations, but whose eyes rest firmly on the Thrones of the Royal Sisters.

As the situation advances, it’s down to Commander Brighthorn and the Royal Guards to find the foe, before the foe can bring their plan to fruition.

****

Thanks in advance.

I wonder where Echoes went? This thread was such a great idea. I'd hate to see it go to waste.

Note: The Duet Never Played is the only fic out of the ones in this post that I've actually read from start to finish. Skipped over [Grimdark] fics for the same reason I don't look at Sci-fi.


>>72471 (Untitled, LTD)
>When Spike is curious about Twilight's pile of scrolls on her writing desk, he decides to take a peek.
Okay...

>When he does, however, he is surprised to the point of lighting it afire, and while he tries to blow it out, sends it to Celestia.
O... kay...

>His life will change completely, turning him into more than a baby dragon--- The most powerful dragon in the world of Equestria....
Ehhh, no thanks. Your first sentence is kind of lackluster. Your second sentence is also pretty bland in both wording and story-content. Your third sentence tells me that your fic follows an old cliche Chosen One plotline. I don't think I can help you here.


>>73235 (The Duet Never Played)
>Old love or new friend?
>A choice unknown, a heart torn.
>One mimics the other.
I'm assuming this goes with a [Shipping] tag, that Lyra and Octavia picture, and Lyra, Octavia, and Bon-Bon in the character tags at the bottom of the Equestria Daily post or FiMFiction character tag list. In which case, the picture contradicts the idea that there's a choice, and the description contradicts the fic because your fic is mostly "Lyra goes to see Octavia and Bon-Bon is a minor character"... Well, I suppose that's an issue for your reviewers to look at. If the fic actually revolved around Lyra's choice, then I'd say the first two sentences would fit nicely (maybe put a comma after "love"), but
>One mimics the other.
This makes no sense to me.

>Lyra leads a solitary existence in Ponyville, but is faced with a surprise choice when confronted by one of her few friends in a way she had never noticed.
Seeing as how your story is Lyra x Octavia, this makes little sense. I say the haiku is better as a synopsis.

While we're at it, your title seems to have little to do with the fic unless you're driving the Lyra x Octavia as hard as you can. In which case, the synopsis needs to show that.


>>73514 (Composure)
>We all wear a mask called composure, beneath which hides a heart that twists with guilt and hidden feelings. Regal as she is, Princess Celestia is no exception. What might be revealed should circumstances cause this mask to slip - or break?
If your plot twist is that the fic is Twilestia, then I think you're losing readers by not mentioning it. Also, if it is, the [Shipping] and character tags on Equestria Daily or FiMFiction will likely give it away anyways. Though, given the popularity of this fic, I think everyone who wants that ship has already read it and is awaiting your next chapter. Though it looks to me like your synopsis is more like an opening to a high/secondary school English class essay than a synopsis. Also, you ask a question without answering it. You might answer it in the fic, but if those reading the synopsis can come up with answers of their own that satisfy themselves, they won't need your answers and won't read your fic. Probably.

That's what I'm saying without having actually read the first chapter from start to finish. I remember something about dreams and nightmares, but stopped before any shipping happened. Looking at your synopsis, I'm fairly certain your popularity came from the actual writing, the fairly unique ship, and word-of-mouth recommendations like that one thread on FiMChan.


>>73577 (The Book of Friendship)
>Twilight Sparkle sent many letters to Princess Celestia detailing what she learned about the magic of friendship. These letters, along with many other writings, were collected into a book. The "Book of Friendship," as it was called, contained many teachings of love and tolerance, sharing and caring.
The second sentence seems like it could be merged into the first or third sentence. That's what the verb being "were" tells me, anyways. Also, length + exposition in a synopsis = Derpy wants to move onto something else.

>And an organization based around this book sprang up, called the Fraternity of the Joyous Friends of Princess Celestia.
"Sprang up" seems like a pretty weak verb phrase, and the comma after "up" seems like it shouldn't be there. And the modifier of
>called the Fraternity of the Joyous Friends of Princess Celestia
seems pretty misplaced. I think you need to put it closer to the thing it's modifying.
>And an organization
And you're starting a sentence with a conjunction. Okay in prose when done properly, not very okay in synopses when you're trying to get readers. It makes it sound like "And then this happened."

>And whenever a Brother (or Sister) comes of age, it is their task to spread the word of the magic of friendship across Equestria and beyond.
The parentheticals seems largely unnecessary, and "across Equestria and beyond" sounds odd. If they were crossing Equestria to get to the other side, then sure, but if they're starting in Equestria, then... Across Equestria's borders, maybe? But that's the same as "beyond", isn't it?

>This is the story of Brother White and Brother Scroll, two young stallions who have been tasked with spreading the word to Earthquake Island. Unfortunately, Earthquake Island is not particularly interested in party games.
Not sure about the "This is the story" part. Even the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air opening had the word "now" in front of it. And this third paragraph seems kind of disjointed from the previous two. There's a flow of thought between the first and second, but not really between the second and third. I think you need a better transition than "This is the story".

I'm guessing this is more [Comedy] than [Grimdark].


>>73588 (Untitled, Roan)
I can't say anything of much use because lack of tags, except the bold and line breaks on the second make me want to move onto the next fic. Oh, and you put commas before conjunctions when they don't separate independent clauses or items in a list. Those should be removed.

The first one... I don't know what's going on. Is this a Fallout: Equestria side story? Comma splice in
>Not that they really cared, hay, I couldn't possibly care.
and
>self defense
is usually hyphenated.

>Funny how they'd boast my own band . . . Not that they really cared, hay, I couldn't possibly care.
This style of ellipsis really bothers me for some reason. If you go to any published book, you... see that kind of ellipsis. You'll also see a font that isn't Times New Roman, where the dots in the ellipses aren't spaced out as much. (Or maybe they have their own very fat ellipsis character with the spaces.)

The second one's first paragraph reminds me of that time I ate those moldy muffins.
>twenty two
>Twenty one
These should be hyphenated.

So yeah, in neither of the synopsis can I tell what the fic is about. Unless the second one should be taken at face value, in which case, I guess I'm not your audience.


>>75898 (Untitled, Dramkire)
>If what you knew could save the lives of countless others, wouldn't you try to act?
If what you... Wait, what? Assuming you meant "what if", that still doesn't seem to follow...
Ohhh. The "what" shouldn't be there. I get it. That makes a lot more sense. Why would you use "wouldn't" instead of "would"? "Wouldn't" makes it sound rhetorical. "Would" makes it sound less rhetorical. ...Wait, that's still bad. Open questions like this sound like ways to head a high school essay, not a way to get readers' attentions.

>Sand Shaper knows of one future that could yet come to pass.
Could... yet? I am confused.

>Soliciting help from the throne, she strives to avert disaster while protecting those she cares about, in the process learning the constraints of fate and the limits of friendship.
I stopped reading this sentence somewhere around "strives to avert" because all your big words made my eyes defocus.

>>75910 (Into the Night)
I saw
>[Normal] shifting to [Dark] later, [Adventure] [Long]
and went "Too many tags, no thanks."

Minecrafters tale of equestria.
[crossover]

As myths collide with legends, as brine's stir, as thunder roars, and lighting blinds, six ponies shall join forces with 4 men, to vanquish an ancient evil from another world.
Pigs will fly, zombies will groan, and the first goodbye for the 10 heroies, until they kick it up a notch.
Will they live, or will they die? The fate is up to a hero’s brine.

>>75958
>As myths collide with legends
What does that actually mean? I understand it in a comedic sense . . .
>as brine's stir
Eh, I don't think you should mention brine twice. Maybe, as seas stir?
>as thunder roars,
Meh. This is alright . . .
>and lighting blinds,
First, "and lightning blinds,"
Thematically, whatever.
>six ponies shall join forces with 4 men, to vanquish an ancient evil from another world.
This is cliched. Also, four, not 4.
>Pigs will fly,
Implies comedy. Alright.
>zombies will groan,
Comedy again . . .
>and the first goodbye for the 10 heroies,
Heroes, and, what? What?
>until they kick it up a notch.
This pun isn't very good . . .
>Will they live, or will they die?
Meh.
>The fate is up to a hero’s brine.
(this sounds like a sex joke)

Hit me with yer best shot.

Festival
[Shipping], [Slice of Life], touches of [Sad]

Synopsis: Trixie, recently having lost all her posessions during a certain Ponyville incident, manages to find a lucky job as a performer for Equestria's most anticipated holiday. While there, she discovers something precious to her survived her caravan's destruction... and is currently in the possession of a familiar face.

Now, Trixie's determined to retrieve what's rightfully hers. But little does she know that her attempts will set off a chain of events, leading to what could either be the greatest or the worst thing that's ever happened to her...

Title: A Darker Equestria
Tags: [Adventure][Light-Grimdark(?)]
It should be noted that I haven't quite decided if this fits with grimdark, put probably not.
Synopsis: Years ago, the stars disappeared from the skies of Equestria, and nopony has ever figured out why. Now, many doubt that anything but the moon ever hung in the void above the world at all. With Celestia fallen into a deep coma from the absence of the sun and Luna struggling to keep life on the planet sustained with only the moon, it's up to a scholar from Canterlot and his small group of friends to return the stars to their rightful place in the sky.

I really hope this isn't horrible. I've unwillingly adopted a new writing style that everyone seems to enjoy, but it doesn't feel quite right, so I'm always a little doubtful.

>>75926
>Guessing it's more [comedy] than [grimdark]

Yeah... honestly, I'm not sure. What do you say about a story that in one chapter has both gay jokes and a kid getting his wings hacked off?

Hi everyone! I'm not so good at thesis statements or synopses, any help would be appreciated. I couldn't decide between the two...

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained
[Normal]
Torrent and Dew have been robbing banks for the past month with few consequences, but when old friends work against them and the jaws of a trap close in around the pair, will their luck run out?

Torrent and Dew have been robbing banks for the past month with few consequences, but when old friends work against them and the jaws of a trap close in around the pair, will they be on the right side when they snap shut?

>>75926

>>75910 (Into the Night)
I saw
>[Normal] shifting to [Dark] later, [Adventure] [Long]
and went "Too many tags, no thanks."

Three and a half tags is too many? Really?

Mm. I will take what you've mentioned into consideration. Thank you for your time.

>>75991
Is it played for laughs? If not, then mood whiplash? I don't really know.

>>76003
It wasn't the tags as much as it was the words in between tags, which I interpreted as tags. If this
>[Normal] shifting to [Dark] later, [Adventure] [Long]
was exactly how it appeared on an Equestria Daily post, I wouldn't look at it. (Though, seeing as how it's a [Dark][Adventure] fic, I still wouldn't have looked at it, so my viewpoint is more or less void, really.)

[Long] isn't really a tag as much as it is an additional tag, and your synopsis should indicate how long it's going to be, anyways. If it were
>[Adventure]
or
>[Dark][Adventure]
or
>[Normal][Adventure]
I'd think that'd be more attractive to viewers than
>[Normal][Dark][Adventure][Long]
or
>[Normal][Dark][Adventure]
or
>[Normal][Later Dark][Adventure].
Not to mention [Normal] and [Dark] kind of conflict.

Of course, that's all just my opinion, and I'm not a clever pony.

>>76069

It's a hard one to categorize, from my view.

It starts out as a fairly standard hero story/adventure/something-or-other, and then turns considerably darker in the... second half to final third.

And yes, it is a War in Equestria fic... with an oc alicorn (good guy, non-sue).

Bumping this thing, because this is awsome.

>>76263
Yes it is.

>Sorry if this is a double post, ponychan glitched.
Since no one seems to be reviewing any (which is the point of this thread), let me do one.

>>76002

>Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

Titles should be an indicator of what the story is about. Your title suggest an experiment or dangerous expedition to find something out

>[Normal]

Gonna need a few more tags. There is no "normal", as that implies that it goes with the standard set by other stories. MLP fics are WAY too varied to be able to lump together. It could be a normal grimdark, where there is a huge battle and the Mane 6 do some operative stuff and win the war single-hoofedly. A normal human-in-Equestria where some depressed human dies/magically teleports into Equestria and lands near Ponyville, where he parties with Pinkie and such and the story doesn't go anywhere...

Sorry, but the point is, normal doesn't mean anything. You also need the tone (comedy, grim, dark, grimdark, etc), genre (steampunk, sci-fi, slice of life, etc) and other relevant information where a fan of one of those can recognize your story as something they would enjoy.

>Torrent and Dew have been robbing banks for the past month with few consequences, but when old friends work against them and the jaws of a trap close in around the pair, will their luck run out?

Torrent and Dew are... interesting names. Might want to include first/last.

Robbing banks is rather... violent. Since you put [normal], I have to assume we're talking only the shown Equestria straight from the show, where it is almost perfectly peaceful.

"old friends work against them" is rather uninteresting. Try "betray" or something to make your synopsis more likely to draw the potential reader in, the point of a synopsis.

"jaws of a trap" That comes out of nowhere and is, again, uninteresting. Why would T and D be trapped? Is their old friend under cover? Do they have rivals? You need to provide context so that it means something. No on knows who T and D are, and no one cares about them getting trapped.

"luck run out"? Rather cliched, if you ask me. It could be better by mentioning that T and D are a rather successful pair, so they have luck to lose in the first place.

>... will they be on the right side when they snap shut?

Better, as in it plays with the "jaws" thing mentioned earlier, but not by much.

Overall, 2/5. You do have an interesting concept for a genre I have no interest in, but you present it poorly. Yes, it's a synopsis, but you need to make the reader care about your story before they read, or they will never click on it in the first place.

What I would do:
>Rough Torrent and Morning Dew, thinking life on the harsh streets of Manehatten just wasn't cutting it, decided to go for a career change in the business of theft. Surprising even themselves, they had gone on for several months without getting caught. Some call it skill, others call it beginners' luck. But when old friends show their true colors and the police start catching on, the jaws of a trap close in around the pair. Will their luck run out?

Notes about mine: I am a complete amateur (I put mine in here, which the last reviewer skipped >>72512, because I don't feel comfortable with mine), so don't take me too seriously. Second, I suck at pony names, I know mine are bad.

>>76496
Thanks for the detailed review!

Also...
>Second, I suck at pony names, I know mine are bad.

I swear, names are the hardest part. In the end I just said screw it and used a filetype and a bad pun (dew process).

OH HI GUYS. So yeah, I haven't done much with this thread. Lookin' to fix that now.

Here's the list of currently unreviewed synopses.

>>72324 "The Weight of the Sun," Logician
>>72512 "Warpony 4k," booredhooman
>>75888 "Legend of the Five Ponies," Simon_o_sullivan
>>75910 "Into the Night," TheDamnedScribe
>>75985 "Festival," Silverquill
>>75989 "A Darker Equestria," LT Halle

If you're missing from the list, post and say so. If you'd like to add another synopsis, you can do that too.

(If you're a reviewer and you want to join in? Go right on ahead.)

>>75910
I got this one
>>75910
DISCLAIMER: DON'T TAKE MY WORD AS FACT

>Into the Night
The story doesn't seem Luna centered, not sure why the title is night specific.

>[Normal] shifting to [Dark] later, [Adventure] [Long].
You need to decide what tags to put. You can't have conditions on them for FimFiction or EquestriaDaily.

>A threat to Equestria is revealed when Princess Luna is attacked while returning from a day trip.
Day trip? I guess that means a trip during the day, which really doesn't need to be explained.

>Though the immediate fenemy ENEMY is defeated, it is soon apparent that there is more to the attack than meets the eye.
ALWAYS PROOFREAD YOUR SYNOPSIS.
Also, how is it apparent? Are they immediately shown? You're giving the plot away.

>Through manipulation, demagoguery, and honeyed promises, a force has risen which poses a threat to all nations, but whose eyes rest firmly on the Thrones of the Royal Sisters.
What does demagoguery even mean? Use language your audience understands.
Holy commas, Batman! You could chop that into 2-3 sentences.
I don't think throne should be capitalized.
Throne isn't quite the right word it seems; that implies that the position is sought after.

>As the situation advances, it’s down to Commander Brighthorn and the Royal Guards to find the foe, before the foe can bring their plan to fruition.
The second comma is unneeded, but good sentence otherwise.

Overall, 3/5. I had to look for problems. There were problems, which takes off one point, though.
The other point taken off is the lack of interest your synopsis garnered from me.

What I would do:
A threat to all of Equestria is revealed when Princess Luna is ambushed while returning to the castle. Though the immediate threat is diminished, it is quickly realized that it was more than a simple attempt on Luna's life. Rising from the very roots of the Equestrian civilization itself through subtle manipulation and false promises, this new foe is a threat to all, but especially to the Royal Sisters. As the situation tenses and suspicion is thrown around, Commander Brighthorn and the Royal Guards must stop this unseen threat before it's too late.

Not the best, but it's the best I could come up with.

>>72324 "The Weight of the Sun," Logician
>Utopian
utopian. Yeah, some spellcheckers dislike the uncapitalized version; screw ‘em. Utopia stopped being a proper noun years ago.
>and that he’s
and he’ll be

You also shift tenses in a way that makes me a little uncomfortable. Past to present tense is fine, but the last bit in future tense... Eh, it works fine, just bugs me for some reason. Might be that little inconsistency at the tail end coloring my perception of the rest, I dunno. Anyway.

I think the biggest problem here is that your synopsis is too long, and gives excessive weight to James’s past. HiE writers like to emphasize how their human’s different from the standard fare, yeah [/probable overgenereralization], and that’s fine to an extent, but the price of that exposition here is that you beef up your synopsis with character info rather than plot. As I recall, your story’s primarily plot-driven, so I’d like to see the Big Bad’s intentions/plans in a little more detail, rather than the ominous vagueness so far. Even if that means you have to trim down the character bits.

>>72512 "Warpony 4k," booredhooman

I have only secondhand familiarity with Warhammer 40000 (mostly what I pick up from TVTropes), but I’ll give this a go. A good crossover should be able to draw readers unfamiliar with the other universe anyway. So!

Firstly, why’s it 4k instead of 40k—is that order of magnitude difference intentional (and if so, why?) or is it just a typo?

The [Crossover] and [AU] tags seem redundant to me. Crossovers can be written starting from show canon, but the introduction of such drastic changes turns it into an AU pretty quickly. On the other hand, your starting point is an AU, so the tag is useful to indicate that... Eh. I’m rambling here. It bugs me a bit, but it’s probably nothing.

I think the problem here is that your synopsis is too short. It’s very businesslike. If you had a long list of fics lined up, in an author compilation doc or a WH40K crossover compilation or whatevs, then it’d be acceptable, because the point there would be that the people reading it already know either you as an author and are looking for more stuff by you, or they’re looking for WH40K crossovers in general and just want a quick idea of what your story’d be about. As a synopsis for attracting new readers, it doesn’t work for me.
(Also, while the synopsis as a whole is too short—one sentence—it’s a somewhat long and unwieldy sentence.)
There’s a skeleton here, but there ain’t enough flesh on them bones. While potentially attractive to people already looking for 40K crossovers, as a reader unfamiliar with the universe it doesn’t draw me in. The ancient, potent evil is a worn-out trope when left undescribed, as you’ve got here, and... I’d like to see some characters. Some closer description. Zoom in.

It's similar in many ways to my second... so. Huh. Anyway.

>>75888 "Legend of the Five Ponies," Simon_o_sullivan

>Empire of Ponyville
From what we’ve seen in canon, Ponyville’s a small and fairly unimportant town. Why would a great empire choose to name itself after someplace like that?
>6
six (Six, if you want, although all the proper nouns being thrown around make me feel a lil’ bit ergh.)

As with the last synopsis, and as a reader unfamiliar with Legend of the Five Rings, I’m not particularly hooked. Lots of proper nouns, quick mentions of “the threat that is [X],” “inner conflicts,” and “clan rivalries,” one long sentence, not a whole lot of detail. I like to see character names. I like to know details about conflicts and threats. Not, like, superfine details or anything, it’s still a synopsis and should be kept fairly short and sweet and all that, but zoom in on your plot. Right now I feel like I’m in a spaceship—well, no, that’s exaggerating, but I feel like I’m in an airplane or something at least, looking down at a bunch of colored dots moving around in a vaguely warlike fashion. Lots of people having blurry conflicts, and I’m far enough away that I don’t care a whole lot.

>>77031

Thank you so much, and welcome back. I haven't seen you around in a while.

The reason for the info dump is because from a few different reviewers, I detected a common undertone of "The less we see of Iraq, the better." Accordingly, I trimmed and distilled the prologue and worked most of the prerequisite information into the synopsis.

The new synopsis is part of a complete rewrite spawned by a hurtfully cynical (yet very informative after a month of thought) review and subsequent EqD rejection.

If you're reviewing again, would you mind taking a third look?

>>77033

Okay, I guess I have to work a bit with it.

My problem was that it's intended to be quite a long story, and I'm apparently horrible at selling stories. So I guess I'm changing Ponyville for Equestria and... Well, I'll try to work something better. I'll put my beard to work.

>>77032
First of all, thank you for the review. You did a nice job of finding problems, but I need help improving them. Here's what I have:

>In the grim darkness of the fifth millennia, The Holy Imperium of Equuleus has been at constant war for survival for over three thousand years. But when it encounters the Citadel Council, they discover not only a true chance for peace, but also a chance for destruction. In order to secure allies, veteran Space Marine Malleus Titus joins the veteran human Commander John Shepard on a hunt for the the biggest traitor in Council history. However, soon into the journey, it is discovered that there are evils more ancient and potent than Chaos and more dangerous than the Eldar.

I don't want you to write my synopsis for me, but I would like suggestions or pointing in the right direction rather than just "do better".

Pic because /fic/ needs more pics.

I'm willing to give them, but I'm not sure how helpful they'll be. My own perception of my reviewing is that when I look at very similar iterations of the same thing, I tend to skim, leading to less helpful feedback. If no one pops in to help you, though, I'll go ahead and take on re-reviews.

My opinions on >>75985 "Festival," Silverquill

>Ellipses
You've got two of them, and they should both go. They're intended as mysterious, dramatic pauses, and I don't think it works. Ellipses are easy to make melodramatic.
>Trixie [...] manages
The more common structure would be "Having recently lost [...], Trixie manages etc." Even so, it's a rather denser sentence than I'd like. Lots of modifiers floating around.
> posessions
possessions (spellcheck is your friend, at least most of the time)
>something precious [...] is currently in the possession of a familiar face. 
This sentence is structured oddly. Right now, it could suggest that Trixie lost her beloved face-stealing demon.
>the greatest or the worst thing
While this sets the stakes high for Trixie, it's too vague for my tastes.

>>75989 "A Darker Equestria," LT Halle
>>77113 "Warpony 4k," boredhooman

A Hop, Skip, and a... Slide?

[Adventure][Dark][Crossover]

Magic and technology have coexisted for nearly a hundred years thanks to a bill enacted by Equestria's ruling body seventy-five years ago. Now, as the bill wears out, an eager Twilight delves into literature on the subject. However, Twilight's search will send her and her friends on an adventure across worlds, where everything they know about their society may be changed. Inspired by the sci-fi TV series Sliders, but written for anyone to understand.

Additional Tags: Alternate Realities, Sliding, Finding Home

I redrafted the synopsis, refocusing it more towards plot information with your advice in mind.

Would you mind skimming it briefly?

Staff Sergeant James Reichert never gave much thought to his daughter’s Saturday-morning cartoons. Equestria was only ever a fantasy land to him, its polychromatic inhabitants simply the product of an overactive imagination[", and maybe an acid trip or two"? Is that too much?]. That is, until one fateful day, when he’s killed by an insurgent sniper during an ambush in a small Iraqi town.

He awakes in a dark sacrifice ritual conducted by fanatical cultist ponies for an unknown purpose. On top of that, political revolution is sparking in large cities throughout Equestria. Utopian fantasy becomes harsh reality as James finds himself the sole witness of a plot to change Equestria for the worse, and he commits himself to preserving the fantasy land of his daughter’s favorite TV show, at any cost.


I'm a little concerned that "one fateful day" might be too cliche, but I'm not sure. I meant to do a little TLUS with "cartoons"/"TV show" to establish parallel structure and juxtaposition simultaneously.

I really want to get this right, and really sell this fic from the get-go.

I've now cleared out the queue. I rather liked these four synopses; these reviews are composed only of the mistakes I found. Consider anything I didn't mention to be something I liked.

>>75989 LT Halle "A Darker Equestria”

I’ve seen a few different variants on the [Grimdark] tag: Standard [Grimdark], of course, but also the more specific [Grimdark-War], [Grimdark-Death], [Grimdark-Plague], and then tags like [Grim], [Dark], [Grimlight]. And others I’m not remembering right now. Adding a postscript to your synopsis, along the lines of “rated Grimlight for comedic dismemberment” or whatever’s appropriate, might be useful if you’re worried about the tag.

>world at all.
world. (“At all” modifies “anything,” but is both too far away from the noun it modifies and not all that necessary in the first place.)

So, a few things bug me about this synopsis.
“Years ago” is more’n a little bit vague. Are we talking two years, twenty years, or a whole thousand years ago?
You say “the stars disappeared,” and the sun’s gone too. Sure, the sun’s technically a star as well, but you might want to call it out specifically.
The moon has no light of its own; it’s only reflecting sunlight. Although you might change that because magic, irl the moon’d go dark not long after the sun. Unless the sun’s merely blocked, and not actually extinguished, I suppose. This also ties into the X years ago thing—how long’s Equestria been living on just moonlight?
Celestia in a coma bugs me for some reason, because it seems... I dunno, not enough, maybe? Fictional comas are so reversible, and the sun and stars are gone entirely. Although I suppose this is heavily dependent on headcanon, how closely Celestia and Luna are tied to their respective heavenly bodies. This point is way subjective. Think about it some, don’t let it bother you that much if you disagree.
Lastly, there seem to be more than a few parallels between your synopsis and S1E1&2, most notably “a scholar from Canterlot and his small group of friends.” Excepting that “his,” of course. At this point, I’m not sure whether you’re doing a switcheroo on the season one opener (Celly gone instead of Lulu, Rule 63 on the mane six) or whether you’re doing something entirely different from the S1 opener that only sounds really close. Giving us clues to which path you’re taking would be much appreciated.
Also, names. I like to see character names in a synopsis, even if they’re OCs.

>>77113 boredhooman, "Warpony 4k"

>millennia
millennium
>The Holy
the Holy
>But when it
While not technically wrong, it’s often considered sloppy to start non-dialogue sentences with conjunctions. Probably want to avoid that, especially in the synopsis.
>But when it [...] they discover
You’ve got an agreement issue here in your pronoun choice. “Imperium” is singular, and thus maps easily to “it,” so that on its own is fine. Using a singular noun referring to a group, then switching to a plural pronoun is technically incorrect but no one cares, so whatevs, go ahead, that’s fine. Mixing the singular and plural pronouns, however, is wrong.
>it is discovered that
Passive voice isn’t wrong, but it’s generally frowned upon. Simple fix here is just “they discover that etc.”

This is much more intriguing than your first synopsis. It’s a crossover with both 40K and Mass Effect, if I’m not mistaken; those both have pretty large fanbases, so I’m sure you’ll be able to find an audience.
However.
I’m not really seeing pony in this synopsis. “Equuleus” is a slight nod towards pony, sure, but that’s it. See also:
>Malleus Titus
He’s a pony, right? His name doesn’t sound particularly ponylike. Malleus translates to “hammer,” sure, and has a connection to the good ol’ Malleus Maleficarum, but I don’t think Titus translates to anything in particular. I mean, yes, you could say that in five thousand-odd years equine naming conventions have changed...

...but if you start doing stuff like that, the whole “things have changed over time” answer can quickly become systemic, and then your story stops feeling like ponyfic. I think the biggest problem you’re going to have with this story is with the integration of FiM into Grimdark, far-future Sci-fi in sucha a way that it still feels like a pony story, instead of like a WH40K/ME crossover story with pony thrown in to grab a few extra fans.

>>77327 Flashgen, “A Hop, Skip, and a... Slide?”

>nearly a hundred years [...] seventy-five years ago
Unless you’re rounding seventy-five up to a hundred, your timeline is screwy or you’re implying that Equestria had twenty-five years of extensive black-market tech (which would be cool, but shouldn’t be brought in unintentionally). If you are rounding up, don’t; pick one number and stick with it.
>as the bill wears out
So Equestria’s bills require renewal only every seventy-five years? That’s crazy long, even if you apply human lifespans to the ponies. (And bills are sort of a democracy/republic thing, rather than a kingdom thing. Unless Equestria is a constitutional diarchy or something.)
>However,
“However”s should only be used to set up contrasts/contradictions between two sentences, and I’m not seeing any particular contradictions between “Twilight studies something” and “Twilight goes adventuring.” A somewhat unexpected followup, perhaps, but no direct contradictions.
>everything they know about their society may be changed.
More vague sweeping changes to everyone’s lives. Vague ain’t a good thing here.
>Inspired by the sci-fi TV series Sliders, but written for anyone to understand.
Mayhaps you want to include a [Sci-Fi] tag? Even if it’s soft sci-fi, probably for the best. Also, that last half of the sentence—see the discussion in the first few posts about my version of doing that. Semi-consensus reached between MintyRest, Derpy Anon, and me was that it’s probably unnecessary. Maybe. Eh.

>>77428 Logician, “The Weight of the Sun”

I think the acid trip bit is too much, yeah. Not sure what you mean by TLUS. Fateful day’s a tad cliché; the sentence’d work fine as just, “That is, until the day he’s etc.” Also, I think “awakes in a dark etc.” might be better/clearer as “awakes in the middle of a dark etc.” but that’s personal taste.

I like this synopsis; it’s a lot punchier than the previous one. I would seek another opinion, though. Like I said before, I think I’m susceptible to palate fatigue when I look at something several times.

>>78186

Hehe... I rewrote it again. I won't bother you with it, though. I'm happy with it, and the people I've shown it to think it works, so I'm not going to get repair estimates on something that isn't exactly broken.

Title: TLaToCM
Tags: [Grimdark][Sci-fi][Adventure]

Synopsis:
There are no books on Discordian history, because only four ponies have survived from then until now to tell the tale, and two of them are in hiding from the other two... Origins, pre-diarchy. P.S.: Everything you know is a lie.

Add. note: I used to have a "main character is not OC" phrase in there. Then I removed it. The MC is in fact Intelligent!Derpy. Question: should I put the phrase back in?

Here’s another synopsis from me. I’ve toyed with this idea in private and done some musing on the IRC; here’s a rough synopsis.

My ideal title image for this would be a dark grey stallion (badass hat optional) with a cutie mark of a cracked magnifying glass, looking as hard-boiled and grim as he possibly can. A colorful background, and Pinkie Pie grinning next to him, combine to make him look misplaced and vaguely ridiculous.

Noir: A Darker Shade of Pink
[Normal] [Light Comedy] [Light Shipping]

Shift, hard-boiled detective extraordinaire, sees darkness behind every one of Equestria’s rainbows. With his friends Serene and Wordsmith, he’s made it his quest to expose the seamy underbelly of this apparently idyllic world. While on the tail of a conspiracy of royal proportions, Shift encounters a suspiciously upbeat pony named Pinkie Pie. Shift is convinced that, behind her delusions, Pinkie is hiding dark secrets, but his efforts to uncover her secrets lead Shift to some uncomfortable revelations about his own beliefs.

Additional tags: Unreliable Narrator up the wazoo.

Plot points: how well does the synopsis communicate the important bits?
Light shipping/friendshipping between Pinkie and an OC, because I have some sort of bizarre compulsion to write weird stuff like that. Perspective Shift, the OC in question, is mostly delusional. He goes to Ponyville after the Discord eps, full of vague suspicions regarding Twilight and her friends. While there, he meets Pinkie and is bewildered by her insistence that Equestria a bright, happy place; the fic is mostly their respective delusions playing off of each other.

Sounds really interesting. I like. ...Except for this line:
>Shift is convinced that, behind her delusions...
I'd cut the comma.

...And this area:
>...this apparently idyllic world. While on the tail of a conspiracy...
This seems to need a smoother transition.

And I'd cut the [Normal] and go straight [Comedy] tag, but that's just me and how I imagine this would play out. Sounds great. I'm interested.

Also, what IRC is this?

Oh wait, there's stuff in spoilers.

>He goes to Ponyville after the Discord eps, full of vague suspicions regarding Twilight and her friends.
This does not come across in the synopsis at all, but if that isn't the focus of your fic, it shouldn't matter. I guess "a conspiracy of royal proportions" could use some detail, though. Not too much.

>Perspective Shift
Might want to introduce his name in full in the synopsis. But that's just what I think.

>>78217 Casca, "The Life and Times of Caughlin Mare"

>...
. Avoid ellipses, especially in synopses. They're a smidge melodramatic.
After reviewing a few synopses, I've got a few guidelines I wish I could add to the OP. Most relevantly,
>Use characters' names in your synopsis, irrespective of whether they're canon, background, or original characters.
If your main character is Intelligent!Derpy, why not include her name in the synopsis?

Your synopsis isn't particularly definite, so that's not good, but what makes me really uncomfortable is how it looks to be an origin story. I shy away from those, because I'm reluctant to spend much time on such easily-jossed fanon. And that last line, "P.S.: Everything you know is a lie" makes me especially uncomfortable. Saying that the canon backstory we've seen is incomplete/intentionally misleading could be pulled off well, or it could crash and burn. 

I guess my main point here, in addition to "use names," is this: what does your story offer us besides your fanon backstory? A dark conspiracy, a quest to find the truth, oodles of glistening future-tech and Derpy killing zombies with a crescent wrench? Tell us in the synopsis, because it's the plot that'll draw readers, not the exposition.

hope it's not too long
The Cloudy Stars
[humor] [OC] [Friendshipping]
Star Gazer can't get a break. He's always stressed out by his constant studies. He wants to be an ambassador to the Princesses and see the world but he worries he won't pass the tests to become one. But even greater than that fear is his fear of mares: he turns into a quivering mess around them. They all seem nice but he worries that he'll just make a fool of himself or worse upset one of them.

Yet he still spends a large amount of the time in the Ponyville Library studying various books. It just so happens he's there one day when Twilight is testing out a new spell. However, things don't go as planned and now Star has to deal with the consequences: a longer mane and eyelashes are going to be the least of his worries.

>>78557
You've given me something to seriously consider. Just to address some points:

>If your main character is Intelligent!Derpy, why not include her name in the synopsis?
Because in this fic, her name's Caughlin Mare. Derpy/Ditzy is just an alias. I did put Intelligent Derpy in the extra tags on EqD though, does that help?

>Saying that the canon backstory we've seen is incomplete/intentionally misleading could be pulled off well, or it could crash and burn.
More precisely, the canon backstory is the result of a global memory hex. Just how well I can pull it off... well, you've have to read through 20+ chapters to find out, but I'm fairly confident. xD

>A dark conspiracy, a quest to find the truth, oodles of glistening future-tech and Derpy killing zombies with a crescent wrench? Tell us in the synopsis, because it's the plot that'll draw readers, not the exposition.
Sure thing. I'll get right on it.

Thanks for the opinions!

>>78494
Thanks for your feedback, Derpy Anon!

I'm using [Normal] and [Light Comedy] because my comedic skills tend toward snark and straight lines, rather than full-on wackiness. I think it's also a nice early cue that the grimdarky bits of the synopsis aren't carried through, or at least not sincerely.

The IRC in question was the Training Grounds chatroom at irc://irc.canternet.org/#ttg, though it seems most of the random chat has since migrated to irc://irc.canternet.org/#fic.

The vague suspicions and royal conspiracy thing isn't explored in much depth; Shift himself isn't sure what's going on, just that it's suspicious. It's mostly an in-character reason for him to go to Ponyville.

I'm using only Shift in the synopsis because that's what he goes by most of the time. His first name is a fairly unimportant early reveal.

Thanks again, Derpy.

Okay, was suggested I come here a while ago, and hadn't because I am an idiot.

Rise of the Ultramare
[Adventure]
Following the events The Mysterious Mare Do Well, Rainbow Dash finds herself unable to write her letter to Princess Celestia. After finding out the full ramifications of her actions, she leaves the small town for Canterlot, seeking out the princesses directly for help.

Two weeks later, she returns to find that a new menace has come to plague Ponyville. Armed with the Horned Circlet of Star-Swirl the Bearded, a white-haired pegasus pony calling herself Ultramare has made it her goal to personally see the town in flames.

Wow, cool thread. I'll give it a try.

Lines in the Sand
[Adventure] [Sad] [Dark] [Shipping]
As the fresh nation of Equestria begins to grow in size and power, it is met with hostility from its neighboring nations Lasria and Vulpecula. The young royals Celestia and Luna will do anything to protect their homeland and the three ponies who raised them. They will have to tread through a swamp of deception, manipulation, seduction, and bloodshed as they work to stop an Equestrian invasion in its tracks.

Additional Tags: History, War, Sacrifice

Characters: Celestia, Luna, Princess Platinum, Commander Hurricane, Chancellor Puddinghead, OC Ponies

Not without my Gummy
[Romance][Mystery]

Gummy is everypony's favorite alligator. One day, however, it turns out that he's come on a top-secret mission to Ponyville, duping a clueless Pinkie into adopting him as her pet. The mystery quickly unravels, with romantic results.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This story contains explicit alligator-on-pony, alligator-on-bunny, alligator-on-turtle, alligator-on-Pinkie plus solo alligator scenes. If you are offended by any of that, absolutely do not read, you prude!

>>79156
I just produced enough wats to power a galaxy.

If any reviewers want to hop in, feel free! I'll try to get a few reviews up, too; these have been sitting for far too long. My apologies to the authors.

Current Queue:
>>78568 FMP, "The Cloudy Stars"
>>78892 Dragomena Diane Pie, "Rise of the Ultramare"
>>78910 Firmly_Grasp_It, "Lines in the Sand"
>>79156 Huzzah, "Not without my Gummy"

Sure, I'll jump right in. It's a little weird to not have the text itself to x-ref, but I guess that really forces the synop to stand on its own.

>>78568 The Cloudy Stars

Your very last line makes me all "dohoho; must read. Problem is, it *is* too long. You throw a bunch of conflict threads at me at once and it's overwhelming.

Three points and done:
- study dweeb
- scared of mares -- or Twi specifically
- rule 63

If he's crushing on Twi, mention that in passing. I wouldn't worry too much about scaring away readers -- you're nto fooling anyone who's dead-set against OCnM6 'ship. Be bold; I like that in an author.

I might try something along the lines of
>No matter how much time he spends in the library, it seems Star Gazer will never [...]
to start.

-----
>>78892 Rise of the Ultramare

Ooh, shiny. I feel like going phrase-by-phrase with this one.

>Following the events The Mysterious Mare Do Well,
I like how this puts me right in context. Can be more punchy, though, by simply mentioning her name.

>Rainbow Dash finds herself unable to write her letter to Princess Celestia.
Yes, developing character! I'd want to connect this immediately to one of Dash's core drives. Basically, she's dissatisfied when she knows she can do better, so feeling she hasn't quite learned something important would be very frustrating to her.

I'd pull the third-person-for-first trick; see below.

>After finding out the full ramifications of her actions,
Confusing. I'm sure this is a great story element, but in the limited space of a synop, it just distracts.

>she leaves the small town for Canterlot, seeking out the princesses directly for help.
Now you're putting events in motion. I'd say synops shouldn't, as a rule, have multiple moments in time. Don't show her going, just tell me she returns to save space.

>Two weeks later, she returns to find that a new menace has come to plague Ponyville.
menace? plague? You're overselling it. The whole point of a teaser is to tease. Do put in conflict, but emphasize it by cutting everything else.

>Armed with the Horned Circlet of Star-Swirl the Bearded
I will start caring what this is when I start reading your story.

>a white-haired pegasus pony calling herself Ultramare
physical descriptions are probably bad. The only function I can see this serving is a GIANT HINT that Trixie is Ultramare. Problem is, I don't think dramatic irony belongs in a synop. There's not enough room to plant evidence both for and against a theory like that, and so it come across as heavy-handed.

Then again, mystery writing is not my strength...

> has made it her goal to personally see the town in flames.
I do like this though. The villain has to be extra villainous in a synop.

Here's my take:
Imagine this dialogue
> (Twi) Didn't you learn anything today?
> (RD), somewhat defensive) I learned something important from Mare-Do-Well. I'm just not sure what it is.

Then cast it in third:

> Rainbow Dash learned an important lesson from Mare-Do-Well. She's just not sure what it is. After a trip to Canterlot seeking Celestia's advice, she returns to find a new super-pony in Ponyville. The only problem, this "Ultramare" wants to see the town burn.

-----

>>78910 Lines in the Sand

My gut reaction is "eh, pass." It sounds like you have a Big Picture story when I know I like intimate, character-driven stories. So to hook readers like me, you'd have to tell the big story through your characters' little story(es) and I assume you don't plan to do that.

Yes, that's a snap judgment, but I guess synop writing is all about snap judgments. Putting that aside, here's how I'd try to tighten it up:

> As a growing Equestria faces its first international conflicts, Celestia and Luna will do anything to protect their home and the ponies who raised them.

Everything else is dry.

I'd want to tease the readers more with either character motivation or developing the themes, but I can't guess what they are. Please argue with me.


-----

>>79156 Not without my Gummy (Not a proper review.)

I just have to say that if you're gonna promise "explicit alligator-on-pony" you had better deliver. You might think "oh come on, nopony would seriously expect that to be a clopfic."

You would be wrong. Rule Thirty-Four. At the very least, you must have super-cheeky technically-not-clop humor along the lines of "Airshipping is Magic."

>>80591
Ok, thanks and no, there will be no actual shipping in the fic. I've decided on making that a big No in any stories that involve OC's (and probably any stories for the matter, shipping just isn't my style)

Across the Bridge
[Sci-Fi][Adventure]
Three ponies, through an accident are cast from Equestria into Iraq during the height of the second insurgency. Can they get home with help of some new friends or will their presence threatens to tip the balance of power and throw our world into chaos.

>>78624, oops, I forgot to mention this last time. Putting “Intelligent Derpy” in the additional tags and character list helps, but I’d still feel more comfortable if it came through somehow in the synopsis. Maybe “Caughlin Mare has spent the last exty years in deep cover as ‘Derpy Hooves,’” or something?

>>80591 Hey, thanks for hopping in, Eustatian! I said I’d do some reviews too, so here’s two of mine.

>>79156 Huzzah, "Not without my Gummy"

While there are several different rulesets for title caps, I generally go by the Chicago Manual of Style’s, plus capitalization of long prepositions (http://www.writersblock.ca/tips/monthtip/tipmar98.htm for examples). Thus:
>Not Without My Gummy
or “Not without My Gummy” if you want to keep all prepositions lowercase.

Normally I advise against disclaimers, but in this case I think it’s probably for the best. The last sentence is perhaps a tad vehement, but eh, I don’t mind it. However,
>alligator-on-turtle, alligator-on-Pinkie plus solo
needs an “and” somewhere. If you use serial commas, correct it to
>alligator-on-turtle, alligator-on-Pinkie, and solo etc.
or similar. If you don’t use serial commas, you’re a bad person. Take out the comma before “and,” and then feel ashamed because serial commas are awesome.

>One day, however,
Besides the slight cliché, the word “however” should only be used when you’re setting up a direct contrast. There’s no real contrast between “Gummy is popular” and “Gummy is a secret agent.”

>duping Pinkie
Your sentence structure here is ambiguous as to whether Gummy duping Pinkie is the mission entire, or a mere side effect. I assume the second, but you should rephrase for clarity.

One final, mostly-tangential musing: what I really enjoy about Angel (and Gummy, to a lesser extent) is how well the writers establish character nonverbally. Will Angel and Gummy speak in this fic? My recommendation would be to keep them silent, or at least keep their dialogue to a minimum.

I remember an Angel/Gummy buddy cop fic being tossed around in the StoryForge a while back. Did anything come of that?

Yes, anyway! Back on topic. Your synopsis is pretty good, with a few minor fixes suggested, and I am perversely tempted to read this story once it is completed. Hit me up, yo.

>>80670 TheWalkingRock, “Across the Bridge”

Oof, real-world politics. That’s risky, but I’m sure you know that already. My suggestion would be to be unclear on which war the ponies end up in—less politically sensitive, same broad themes—unless you’re particularly dedicated to Iraq for some reason. Write for yourself, what you want to write, because you need to write it, but do be aware that you’re opening yourself up to easy criticism. Also, are you a non-native English speaker? I’d very much recommend you get someone to look at this story before you publish it, because your mechanics as shown here are kinda lacking. Mechanical issues:

>ponies, through an accident are etc.
ponies, through an accident, are etc. “Through an accident” is a parenthetical phrase here. It’s grammatically comparable to “ponies (through an accident are etc.” Your parenthetical phrases need closure.

>Can they get [...] chaos.
This starts as a question, but ends with a period. That’s a problem. I’d recommend rephrasing it as not-a-question rather than changing your punctuation; it’s my opinion that rhetorical questions are often bad in stories and almost always bad in synopses.

>will their presence threatens
You’ve conjugated your verb incorrectly. Either “will their presence threaten,” and then make the sentence a question, or “their presence threatens.”


Non-mechanical issues:
>Three ponies
I like names. Give me names.
>some new friends
Ditto.

And all in all, your synopsis is frustratingly indefinite. You’ve got a potentially interesting start (ponies on Earth, in a war zone), but your second sentence gives no new information. Balances tipping, chaos rising, vague predictions of doom and gloom. Give me definite characters with stakes anyday.

This thread would be good for, except that I just really don't know about synposes period.

Anyways, my biggest story is: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7739/Nightmare-Date

I don't really have a synopsis at the moment. I just have a bunch of information thrown up there. What would you guys reccommend?

I also have five other fanfics I need to work on w.r.t this.

>>80591

My apologies for taking so long to get back to you on this. Danke!

I did revise it, keeping a lot of what you said in mind. Didn't take up on the third-to-first thing, and I think I may need to give it a third go-over myself, since most of this advice wasn't fresh in my head when writing the new one.

Cut the description of Ultramare, though I have to say: You're the second person who's told me that they think/though she was going to turn out to be Trixie. I'm... not sure how I feel about that, since Trixie never actually appears in the fic.

Anyhow, this is/was the revised synopsis:

Following the events of The Mysterious Mare Do Well, Rainbow Dash finds her own masked feelings stopping her from writing her letter to Celestia. After losing her position in Ponyville's Weather Patrol, she leaves town in tears.

Not long afterwards, she returns from Canterlot, having sorted out her troubles under the guidance of the city's two rules, Celestia and Luna. She soon finds that a masked supervillain has come to Ponyville. Armed with a powerful magical artifact, a mysterious pegasus calling herself Ultramare has made it her goal to personally see the town in flames.

It'll be undergoing editing regardless of whether or not you want to give it a second look, but still. Thank you again for helping me.

Got a story in the works here, thought I'd drop my synopsis by, see how it holds up.

Making Things Write
[Normal]
Behind every great book is a great writer. Almost everypony knows of the intrepid adventures of Daring Do, but few know the truth about her creator.

This is the story of a young mare who attempts to save her literary heroine from a threat far greater than any trap or adversary, with the unexpected help of a certain group of friends.

That's about it. I will say I can't mention my OC's name just yet because that's a pretty important plot point for the first chapter. Thanks in advance.

>>83395
Suggested changes in bold or strikethrough.

>Following the events of The Mysterious Mare Do Well, Rainbow Dash finds her own masked feelings stopping her from writing her letter to Princess Celestia. After losing her position in Ponyville's Weather Patrol, she leaves town in tears.
There isn't much of a connection between these two ideas unless Rainbow Dash is legally obligated to write the letter herself.

>Not long afterwards, she returns from Canterlot, having sorted out her troubles under the guidance of the city's two rulers, Princesses Celestia and Luna.

>Not long afterwards, she returns from Canterlot, having sorted out her troubles under the guidance of the city's two rules, Celestia and Luna. She soon finds that a masked supervillain has come to Ponyville.
All of your sentences except for the fourth are in the form of
>After event happens, Rainbow Dash verbs.
Pretty repetitive. I suggest restructuring.

>Armed with a powerful magical artifact, a mysterious pegasus calling herself Ultramare has made it her goal to personally see the town in flames.


Sorry, but the repetitive structure makes it pretty dull in my opinion.

Alright, let's try this...

"Many stories of Equestria focus on the happy aspects of life in the nation. They cover the everyday lives of the ponies under the care of the Royal Sisters, the trials and tribulations ponies occasionally go through, and the happy times that make up much of life. Far fewer focus on the unhappier side of life within Equestria, but these are also commonplace. The rarest of stories are those that cover the darkest areas. Stories of war, and death.

But these are two things that the Royal Guard must face. It is their everyday life to train and ready themselves to combat the threats Equestria faces. For these things do exist, despite the efforts of the Princesses, and sometimes, just sometimes, the Royal Guard must march to war.

So this is their story, for they were soldiers once…

…but heroes now."

Is this thread still going? I made a request over a week ago, still nothing.

I am most sorry for my absence, dudebros. Life's been a bit hectic lately, but that's an excuse. I have excuses to give and synopses to review, and I'm all out of—well, actually, I have both. So now you can have both. Whee!


>>82279

The way I read it, you have a synopsis
>Nightmare Moon's new administration isn't going so well. Everypony longs for a return of Celestia to her rightful place. She cycles through a variety of requests from her new subjects. Yet she comes across a very nervous and plain looking young stallion with an odd request: a date. She decides to toy with him... for a little while. She's already having mixed feelings about her eternal night, and these random acts of kindness start to grow something inside of her.
and then a bunch of other stuff piled up after it. The synopsis ain’t bad.

My issues with it:
>She cycles through a variety of requests from her new subjects.
I’m not entirely sure what this means. Like, holding an open court? Petitioners and all that? There’s probably a better way to word this.
>a very nervous and plain looking young stallion
Nameses, my precious.
>him...
Ellipses and em dashes should be used sparingly, especially as short a piece as a synopsis.
>already having mixed feelings
This is probably my biggest problem. Nightmare Moon as shown in canon (however briefly) is unrepentant in her evilness. Starting off with her already conflicted removes a lot of juiciness from that conflict. (Note: you may well show her growing inner conflicts within the story. That’s great! But declaring that they’re already present in your synopsis makes me a tad squirmy.)
>these random acts of kindness start to grow something inside of her.
The phrase bugs me. I’m honestly not sure if there’s a real problem here—my grammardar may be acting up—but this bit makes me weirdly uncomfortable, and I’d like it reworded.

Yes, that’s an odd, extremely vague nitpick. Something about it just weirds me out. Like if you’re a detective, and you’re looking at a crime scene, and you think, Something’s weird here, and most of the time you never figure out what was weird and you realize you just had too much coffee and you get over it later. And other times forensics comes back and tells you that, even though you’ve got a headless corpse and a severed head, they’re not from the same person, and you think, I knew something was off! This phrase is probably a case of the former, but I thought I’d mention it just in case, because you guys care about my weird grammar hunches, don’t you? No, you don’t actually, but whatevs. The internet has plenty of space available for my weird ranty bits when I get weird and ranty.


For all your other stuff piled in there, I’d take out most-if-not-all of it. The song credits should go in their respective chapters. The content warnings can go in their chapters, and probably should. (Although maybe you want them there, so people don’t get scared away by the sex tags? Although if they have View Mature off they won’t see the story anyway. I’d put the warnings in their chapters, you might disagree and that is absolutely totally cool with me, bro.) The shoutouts to inspirations, I’m not sure where you’d put them. They can go in the synopsis, I guess. Eh. The mention of a sequel can probably go at the end of the final chapter, seeing as I’m not likely to read it without first finishing this story.

>>83401

Leaving out protagonist names, even if they’re plot points, makes me uncomfortable. Especially if they’re early plot points, since they come up early anyways, and if I'm talking to a friend I'm probably going to call the character by her name anyway, and...

Yeah, anyway. I mean, I definitely understand where you’re coming from, but plenty of books or movies or games go ahead and put spoilers in synopses or trailers or teasers. It’s a choice between two evils, I guess, and it is of course your decision to make either way.

Without the names, though, your synopsis is really vague. Your characters are
>A great writer
>Daring Do
>A young mare
>A certain group of friends
and they’re in danger from
>a threat
Are those friends the Mane Six? You could mention that, that’d help clear up some vagueness. Or detail the threat, or something. I am firmly of the opinion that synopses should establish named characters and concrete stakes for the coming story. Every story runs on conflict, and every conflict requires characters involved and stakes at risk.

I'm assuming that's still the title.

>>83918

The “Many stories” bit is totally metafictional. That’s cool if your story is going to be metafictional, ‘cuz I love me some tasty metafiction, but if you’re not going that route then you’ve put in a rather odd red herring. You generally don’t want to remind readers that they’re reading a story; it completely breaks immersion.

We don’t get any named ponies, but we do get a named organization, so that’s something. We get a hint of stakes (war, death, heroism), but again, nothing concrete.

The ellipses rankle. There’s a matched pair of ‘em, and I don’t like it.

Right now, it’s vague—temptingly vague, I’ll admit, but I’d much prefer more concreteness. I’m sounding like a broken record, I know. Mea culpa, brodude.

>>85872
Thanks for the review. If it doesn't take too much space, I wanted to discuss things more.

>I’m not entirely sure what this means. Like, holding an open court? Petitioners and all that? There’s probably a better way to word this.

Yep, it's exactly that. I don't know how I should word it though. You have any advice on that?


>Nameses, my precious.

Wait, what?


>Ellipses and em dashes should be used sparingly, especially as short a piece as a synopsis.

I only use it once, though. Isn't that 'sparingly'?


>This is probably my biggest problem. Nightmare Moon as shown in canon (however briefly) is unrepentant in her evilness. Starting off with her already conflicted removes a lot of juiciness from that conflict. (Note: you may well show her growing inner conflicts within the story. That’s great! But declaring that they’re already present in your synopsis makes me a tad squirmy.)

I don't know if I agree with that. I didn't really think of Moon as pure evil in the first place, given how she holds back in combat with the mane six. As well, a big part of this story is that she was already hit with the elements of harmony. I don't want to reveal that in the synopsis, but this fact means that she's already mostly pure/good inside already.

And then, it's true love, pure of heart, that ends up finishing up the last bit of evil. She's met a stallion that loves her unconditionally, forgiving her since he sees the beauty inside the monster. It's sappy, I know, but it's designed as a heartwarming Disney-ish romance (unless the reader chooses the troll ending, grimdark ending, or sex sending).


>The phrase bugs me. I’m honestly not sure if there’s a real problem here—my grammardar may be acting up—but this bit makes me weirdly uncomfortable, and I’d like it reworded.

How should I re-word it?


>For all your other stuff piled in there, I’d take out most-if-not-all of it. The song credits should go in their respective chapters. The content warnings can go in their chapters, and probably should. (Although maybe you want them there, so people don’t get scared away by the sex tags? Although if they have View Mature off they won’t see the story anyway. I’d put the warnings in their chapters, you might disagree and that is absolutely totally cool with me, bro.) The shoutouts to inspirations, I’m not sure where you’d put them. They can go in the synopsis, I guess. Eh. The mention of a sequel can probably go at the end of the final chapter, seeing as I’m not likely to read it without first finishing this story.

I don't know if I agree with any of that. I have the sequel mentioned just in case people are confused about which story is which chronologically. I can't really put the song stuff anywhere else without interrupting the flow of the story.

As for the content thing, it really, really bugs me that whole stories get the scarlet letter rather than just chapters. This is a PG-rated EqD style story-- unless (and only unless) the reader chooses to make it something else. I can't put that anywhere except in the lead... I think.

Oh, why not. While the story itself grinds its way through the Training Grounds queue, here's a revised version of the synopsis I used there:

Rainbow Dash's Tallest Tales
[Adventure]
Rainbow Dash here. Fastest pony alive, hero of Equestria, most loyal of friends? You've heard of me. Anyway, Cheerilee and Twilight are kinda ticked off at me today, but I talked them into listening to a story that'll make them think twice. It's all about my Best Day Ever. Not the Best Young Fliers competition, after that. This is the story of how me and the Wonderbolts got tangled up with some pirate jerks who were trying to steal Princess Celestia and then how I almost destroyed the Everfree Forest.

No, really. When your life's as awesome as mine is, you don't need to make things up.



Decent picture pending my finding the time to draw one.

>>85874

Alright, thanks for your help.

I think I was being overload short-termist and paranoid when I was worried about spoilers. Most of the stuff is going to be established in the first chapter anyway, so it's not going to be that big of a deal.

I'm going to assume the first part was alright, given you didn't say anything (and your ability to find faults scares me a little).

Let's try this again:

Making Things Write
[Normal][Adventure]

Behind every great book is a great writer. Almost everypony knows of the intrepid adventures of Daring Do, but few know the truth about her creator.

This is the story of Opal Parchment, a young mare on a quest to finish the last Daring Do adventure before it's too late. Her mission lands her in Ponyville, where she gets the unexpected help of two of her biggest fans.

---

There we go. I tried to balance being cryptic with explaining stuff a bit better this time.

>> 85883
Don't worry, I love feedback. Fire away.

Firstly, a grammar bit I shamefully overlooked last time:
> plain looking
plain-looking

Maybe revise those couple sentences, along the lines of
>[...] so well. Her subjects begs for Celestia’s return, and the royal court’s petitions grow tiresome. Yet she comes [...]
or something. (Although now you’ve got potential confusion from people only familiar with the modern meaning of “petition.” Eh.)

I like to see synopses set up named characters and concrete stakes. Stories require conflict, and conflict requires characters involved and stakes at risk. You’ve got your stakes—Nightmare Moon’s redemption—but your protagonist is left unnamed.

It’s only one ellipsis, yes, but the synopsis is only eighty words long, and an ellipsis every eighty words in a longer piece would almost certainly be considered excessive. Since synopses are generally (and generally should be) quite short, I advise authors to avoid the rarer punctuation marks: ellipses, em dashes, colons, and semicolons. (A note: astute readers may notice that I use all four marks quite liberally in my reviews. My excuse here is that I’m not writing narrative; I’m generally much more judicious with punctuation in my actual stories, although I do perhaps tend towards overuse even then.)

For the "already having mixed feelings" bit, maybe some indication of what happened pre-story? For instance, maybe change that first sentence to something like
> After a pitched battle with the Elements of Harmony, Nightmare Moon has become the new ruler of Equestria. However, her new administration [...]
This hints that maybe the Elements had some sort of delayed or weakened effect, and also helps establish how your AU came about, since as your synopsis stands now it’s unclear whether the EoH were used and didn’t work, were never used, or even if the story takes place a thousand years ago.

>these random acts of kindness start to grow something inside of her.
After staring at this for a while, I *think* my problem with it is the abstract and ambiguous subject and object combined with the metaphorical use of the verb “grow.” It’s structured as [acts grow something], and then the prepositionals and appositives and what-not muddy the issue even more.
I think.
Still not sure.
Maybe reorder the elements to “these random acts of kindness cause something to start growing inside her”? Although I’m not sure why that bugs me less. Or be somewhat more concrete with your subject, object, and verb, e.g. “and his kindness makes her start to question her”... something. Or dismiss this criticism as the effluvia of a diseased brain, that’s always an option. Quite possibly it’s the wisest action at this point.

For the song credits, what I'd do is pick one or more of the following:
> At the end of the relevant chapters, put a short thank you. In brackets or an alternate font if you want, to further separate it from the story proper.
> Put thanks into a comment on the relevant chapter.
> Have an extra "chapter" at the end reserved for full thanks and credits.

I don’t really think mentioning the sequel is necessary here, though it might be a good idea to mention on that story that it is in fact a sequel, and provide a link to this story. Your call. I’m probably being overzealous with the “remove this!” edicts, it’s just that right now your credits, warnings, etc. are 175 words to your synopsis’s 80.

The content warnings... I suppose one thing you could do is create a new story on FiMfic and put the sexual chapters in that story, then have a link at the appropriate break saying, "This alternate ending contains explicit sexual content." (Does FiMfic lets you put links in-line? Not entirely sure. GDocs would handle this type of formatting nicely, but I'm not sure how FiMfiction would react to such a thing. Might be worth a shot, though.)

Across the Bridge

[Sci-Fi][Adventure]

Additional Tags: Dark, Humor. Geo-Politics, Tom Clancy

Through a bizarre accident, Trixe, Pinkie Pie and Bon Bon are cast from Equestria, and end up on Earth in Iraq, at the height of the second insurgency. They are now stranded in a world that is radically different than their own. Their presence now threatens to usurp the global balance of power and ignite tensions between the world powers.

Characters: Pinkie Pie, Trixe and Bon Bon (For Now)

Name: Success and Envy

[Dark] [Comedy] [Alternate Universe]

When Twilight gets a mysterious letter from another dimension asking for help from the Elements of Harmony, the Mane Six are thrust into a horribly bland, repetitive war between a land of alicorns and a being called "Titan". But there's something wrong with this world, and why are the Mane Six forbidden from meeting the ruler in person?

>>85991
I changed it to:

Nightmare Moon's new administration isn't going so well. After narrowly defeating the Elements of Harmony, she rules with a troubled heart, still reeling from the effects of the pitched battle. Her subjects beg for Celestia’s return, and the royal court’s petitions grow tiresome. Yet she comes across a very nervous and plain-looking young stallion with an odd request: a date. She decides to toy with him for a little while. She's already having mixed feelings about her eternal night, and these random acts of kindness cause something to start growing inside her.

Think of this as a tangent from the canon story, although I want to keep it as close in spirit as possible. This is also an attempt at a spiritual sequel to both "Under the Moonlight" by Liquid_Rainbows and "Moon Phased" by SilentAuthor. Please note that the vast majority of the story isn't 'mature', only one of the alternate endings has graphic content. Avoid chapters 12 and 13, and you will see no graphic content. Please note as well that the fourth ending, chapters 16 and 17, has some dark, depressive material. As well, there is a sequel called "A Nightly Romance".

I moved the song credits to the end of the story at the last page. Thanks for your input.

Title: The Journals of an Equestrian Nobody

Author: StrongBrush1

Tags: Romance

Summary: The Outside Story: One day, while searching through his attic, a young human author comes across the old journal of a young Equestrian, along with some old photos of said Equestrian. He starts reading the book and, both intrigued and impressed by the social commentary of the young colt, decides to repost the story online.

The Inside Story: After being kicked out of his home in Canterlot, a young guitar-playing colt named StrongBrush leaves for Ponyville to find his way. But after setting eyes upon a local girl named Applejack, he finds more than he asked for.

If you could look at this one, that would be great:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7216/Migraines

Title: "Migraines"

An innovative experiment operating on the material in between universes, hyperspace, fails miserably. An explosion levels the research complex and propels a technician into another world. An accompanying explosion in Equestria ends up with the protagonist abandoned in a hospital. Soaked with the caustic substance, he must deal with a brain that has been popped open like Swiss cheese as well as a clunky new pony body with new abilities.

His frequent migraines bring unimaginable pain. They also open up new doorways between universes. Not knowing friend from foe, he must find some way back home soon. Otherwise, he'll continue giving 'birth' to a variety of mysterious creatures-- assuming he can even survive that many of these attacks. Through his journey, he finds himself trailed by a cowpony in black that spins wild tales about an evil Princess Celestia and her six evil assistants. Although he appreciates the help, he doesn't quite agree, since they seem rather... nice.

Although the above sounds grim and dark, I'm intending for this to be a Steven Spielberg / Robert Zemeckis-style adventure story with a positive tone as well as a lot of silly and light moments. This is my first time seriously trying to write something like this as a complete story. I'd love any feedback. I had a devilish time converting my Word docs into a presentable form here-- so the formatting might be screwy at times. I apologize in advance. The story is rated 'Teen' for some salty language and sexual related humor. There's nothing you wouldn't see on, say, a NBC nightly TV-movie. Thanks very much for reading.

->A special thanks to Spring Fresh for drawing the illustration over there.

Yeah, it's a HiE (so sue me :P ). It was my first real fanfic, so I'm still pretty attached to it. I know that the synopsis needs a lot of work. Yet I'm stuck. If you could do everything short of (or maybe including) re-writing it for me, that would be awesome. Or please just point me the way to go.

P.S. This image here is the illustration.

Well, I guess I'll give this a shot. Please forgive me if I miss a tag or two.

Warhoof 3,000

[Dark] [Crossover] [Sci-Fi] [Shipping]

In the grim, dark, future of Equestria, there is only war. Beset by internal conflict and pressure from the expanding Empire of the Buffalo, Empresses Celestia and Luna decide to use what little power is left in the
Elements of Harmony to revive the Mane 6. Revived by the Elements of Harmony as genetically-enhanced super-ponies, they lead their armies of Pony Marines to calm the flames of war...

>>86703
Tags, any reviewer can forgive. But to forget a link? Impossible!

Title: Strongheart, Weak-Hearted
[Comedy]
It's Hearts and Hooves Day out in the west, and Little Strongheart must deal with being the only girl buffalo in her tribe for another year.

>>86705
Ah! you are right! Alas though. I actually do not have it completely written out. I am still in the writing process. I just wanted to see how the general idea of
it would float with people. All Apologies.

>>86705

This is the synopsis review thread, so you aren't even supposed to put links here in the first place.

>>86707
Ah, no worries. I just thought you might have been intending to include a link as well.

>>86709
Phew that's a relief. I had thought I had might of missed something, and totally messed up.

>>86705 As >>86708 said, I'm just running off of the synopsis here; even if there is a link, I'm probably not going to read the story.

Currently there are seven synopses queued. I'll try to do a couple today, then finish out the queue this weekend.

Meh, it would be interesting to see how you guys tear through my synopsis. Throw this one on for the whirl! Throwing the pic I plan to accompany my story on as well (yes, I will be getting the original artist's permission on this, but I'll use this for now).

Tags: [Sci-Fi] [Dark] [Adventure]
Title: Wingless
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash awakens one day to find herself in the ATaMoTS, an infinite testing chamber controlled by a peculiar AI named Adam. When events go awry, Dash is forced into a battle against her own perception of morality and her very sanity. Will the pegasus manage to successfully escape this world, or will she be forced to wander its depths forever?

>>86825
It's hypocritical as hell for me to say this, but I think that you should rewrite the last sentence so that it's not a rhetorical question. I can't tell you exactly why it feels wrong, but it does feel wrong.

Maybe I'd write:
''The pegasus fears that she might never escape, forced to wander the depths of her nightmares forever."

Or maybe not (just throwing that out there)...

Title: The Conversion Bureau: Reality Break

Tags: [serious] [sad] [alternate universe]

Synopsis: It's not real, it can't be real. Ponies are just cartoons and some fanfics on the internet. The wings, the hooves... I'm just having a bad dream! I wish that was so true. My friends, the end is nigh and we're in for the metaphysical rides of our lives.

>>86849
oh and [Adventure]

>>85927
I quite like this synopsis, and I’m having trouble finding problems with it. Which is itself a problem; you don’t come to me looking for a pat on the back. Or at least, you shouldn’t. If someone asks me to check a thing for problems, I’m not fully satisfied until I’ve found something wrong with it.

So. Ahem.

You’re nicely in Dash’s voice, you establish characters involved and stakes at risk. There’s a rhetorical question but I think it works here. I suppose one potential problem is the second person—Dash is addressing the reader directly. That’s an unusual decision, and thus one that draws attention. Is this second person carried into the story itself, or is it just here for the synopsis? If it’s carried into the story, then that raises the question of who Dash is actually addressing, when, and why. If it’s not carried into the story, then its use in the synopsis is potentially misleading.

Problem two, almost destroying the Everfree Forest seems an odd thing to boast about.

...That’s it, I think. Go in peace, friend synopsis-writer.

>>85987
I like this one better. My main issue here is in the last sentence.
>Her mission lands her in Ponyville, where she gets the unexpected help of two of her biggest fans.
Those pronouns are too ambiguous. I’m not sure which “she” you’re referring to—Opal? Daring? Daring’s creator?—and that’s a problem. Other than that, looks good to me.

>>86680
Your first sentence is rather long and unwieldy. I’d shift it around, restructure it, probably break it into at least two smaller sentences.

>Trixe
Trixie
>different than
different from

And your last sentence is... it’s reading as kind of flat to me, right now. “Usurp the global balance of power” and “ignite tensions” doesn’t feel like concrete stakes, it feels like business jargon or somethin’. Usurp whose power, ignite what tensions, resulting in what bad things? Tell me what’s at risk here. Make your conflict be worth something real.

>>86691
Oof. You’re doing this, aren’t you. You’re actually doing this.

Welp, here’s my two bits. I don’t like rhetorical questions in synopses. As MintyRest said waaaay back in >>67481, the problem with rhetorical questions is that your readers can answer them, and readers often like their own answers better than they’ll like yours. Avoid questions, make statements. Tell us what your story’s going to be; don’t let us get lost in our own stories.

Also, don’t use the term “Mane Six” unless you’re doing it from an outside perspective. It’s not an in-universe term.

>>86694
You still haven’t named your stallion, which is okay, but do be aware that keeping him unnamed has the effect of reducing him to a sort of prop, and placing your emphasis on Nightmare Moon’s inner turmoil. If that’s your intended effect, then all is well and good.

A few minor nitpicks on your attached, non-synopsis info. If you’re going by American standards, then periods and commas always go to the left of the quotation mark. Also,
>'mature',
“mature”; (Even if you’re using American style, semicolons go outside quotes)

Other than that, looks good to me.

>>86695, StrongBrush1, “The Journals of an Equestrian Nobody”
>>86697, Swiper, “Migraines”
>>86703, Fishnchipz, “Warhoof 3,000”
>>86706, Anonymous, “Strongheart, Weak-Hearted”
>>86825, Ryonne, “Wingless”
>>86849, FMP, “The Conversion Bureau: Reality Break”

>>87120
The thing about the OC stallion is that he's Twist with a sex change (the illustration here really hints at that already), and I kind of want the fact that he's Twist with a sex change to be something that the audience notices later after a few chapters in-- when he reverts to his lisp under stress and 'starths thalking likes thisfh"'

I really was going for them to have a "Holy Celestia, it really is TWIST!" moment.

You're right, though, in that he's way different than a prop: he's a full half of the story. He takes up much of the action. But I don't really know how to introduce him in within the synopsis.

P.S. I originally meant for it to be Twist herself, but I chickened out and made up a male relative-- I also added Twist herself later in the story as a lampshade (she asks 'where's my cousin' and gets freaked out).

>>87185
What a tweest?

>>87116
>Which is itself a problem; you don’t come to me looking for a pat on the back. Or at least, you shouldn’t. If someone asks me to check a thing for problems, I’m not fully satisfied until I’ve found something wrong with it.

Well, duly noted. Much like the story itself, I wasn't entirely confident in how it would come across to other people.

>Is this second person carried into the story itself, or is it just here for the synopsis?

It's in the story proper, but the first-person narration is interleaved with third-person segments that establish who the current in-universe audience is (the aforementioned Cheerilee and Twilight, among others).

>Problem two, almost destroying the Everfree Forest seems an odd thing to boast about.

That could probably stand to be reworded to something like "almost singlehoofedly blew up the Everfree Forest," to emphasize the awesome.

>...That’s it, I think. Go in peace, friend synopsis-writer.

Thank you, and carry on the good work.

A quick thing I just noticed. There is no shipping in my fic. I have absolutely no idea why I put that there.
>>86703

Everypony knows how the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony were able to use their respective elements to defeat Nightmare Moon, but how did Princess Celestia know who they were and ensure that they would meet? This is the story of a small group of astronomers who must reverse-engineer ancient astrology to discover the identities of the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, before Nightmare Moon returns and plunges Equestria into eternal night.

>>86695
Your “The Outside Story/The Inside Story” format isn’t working for me. I’ve seen variations upon that same basic frame story many times, with varying degrees of success, but “I found a pony’s diary” doesn’t sound like a particularly... believable opening.

>guitar-playing
I’m hoping he’s a unicorn, or this raises some difficult questions. Even if he is a unicorn, or he uses some sort mechanical aid to play, be warned that “he’s a musician!” is often a sign of the Mary Sue. Especially if he’s really good at it. Especially if the instrument is a guitar.

>StrongBrush
CamelCase is a bad idea. Either “Strongbrush” or “Strong Brush.”

>But after
While starting sentences with conjunctions is allowable, it’s often seen as sloppy and is thus not recommended, especially in synopses.

You’re shipping your OC, whose name is very similar to your chosen handle (WOOP-WOOP-WOOP go the self-insert alarms), with a main character. That is... I’ll be polite and say “extremely risky.” What are you doing here that’s special, that’s something I wouldn’t find in somebody else’s probably-a-Mary-Sue-self-insert-OC/Main shipping story? In short, why should I read this story? That’s the question a synopsis should answer.

Sorry I didn't get to the others—had a glut of errands today. Will do 'em tomorrow.

>>87185
Don't be coy, just give his name. Don't worry that we don't know who he is yet; we didn't know who Harry Potter was, but the book flap still names him. Without names, characters seem mechanical, distant, not-quite-real. Don't leave characters nameless unless you want that effect.

>>86697
You haven’t named your main character, and you probably definitely should.

>An innovative experiment operating on the material in between universes, hyperspace, fails miserably.
Okay, this sentence is rather unwieldy. Hyperspace is a material? Even if it is, it reads as technobabbly and weird. Maybe fuse this sentence with the next and simplify, creating something along the lines of
>An innovative experiment on hyperspace fails catastrophically, leveling the research complex and propelling one of the technicians into another world
or something like that.

>Soaked with the caustic substance
I don’t know what this substance is. Is it hyperspace? So hyperspace is some sort of acidic fluid? I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here.

>continue giving ‘birth’
If you’re using American standards, then use double quotes. Also, why “continue”? You haven’t mentioned the creature-birthing thing before. I assume they’re coming from the inter-universal gates, but that isn’t made clear.

>these attacks
The adjective “these” requires that the attacks in question be previously mentioned. They haven’t.

>creatures-- assuming
Be judicious in the use of your ellipses and your em dashes. Also be aware that you’re formatting the em dashes incorrectly. On a Mac, hit Option+Shift+hyphen to insert a dash; on a PC, it’s Alt+0151. Either use one space on each side, or no spaces on either side; don’t do the spacing-one-side-but-not-the-other thing you’ve got here. And all that only applies if you use them anyway; as I said earlier, you do want to be careful with your rarer punctuation marks.

>Although he appreciates the help
What help? If the cowpony’s actually helping, say so; if all it’s doing is spinning rumors, “appreciates the warning” instead.

>Although the above [...] for reading.
If the story’s actually actually got a more positive tone, you can and should communicate this through the synopsis, or at least the tags. And I am emphatically not a fan of “first story,” “sorry for any formatting issues,” etc. You don’t need to apologize, just find ‘em and fix ‘em and we’ll never even know they existed. This chunk can be scrapped.

>>86703
>In the grim, dark, future of Equestria, there is only war.
Well.

Okay, the first time someone came up with the tagline, “In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war,” it was kind of cool and dark and edgy in an overdramatic, slightly-ridiculous way. Now? It’s old. It’s been parodied to hell and back, as well as left, right, up, down, and probably ana and kata as well. Don’t use it unless you intend for it to be humorous.

>Mane 6
Okay, when you’re writing you should spell out numbers, but it doesn’t matter because you shouldn’t be using this term in the first place. It’s a fandom term, not an in-universe one.

>they lead their
These pronouns have no clear antecedents.

>war...
Ellipses should generally not be used in synopses. Especially in this manner, because they come off as hammy. (Or cheesy. Mmm, delicious.) Right now this synopsis would work just as well for a parody, which I don’t think you’re trying to do.

>>86706
This synopsis is... serviceable. It does its job, but it’s not particularly involving. I’d put it in the FiMFiction short Archive description, but for the full description I think you’d really be better off with something more detailed.

Sorry I can’t be more helpful, but there’s not much here for me to work with.

>>86825
>awakens one day
Not such a fan of this opening. I mean, it can work, but often it reads as more of a copout—you wake up in a room, now let’s get to the real story. Hmm, odd thought: maybe just cut this entirely? “Rainbow Dash is trapped in the ATaMoTS, etc.” Gets attention off a cliché opening and into the actual story. I dunno.

>the ATaMoTS
I’m a little iffy on this. I mean, I’ve got an oddly-capitalized acronym in my own synopsis (“the ANIMa, a bizarre machine that turns relationships into psychic weapons”), so perhaps I’m being a little hypocritical, but my excuses are that I’m writing a crossover, and that “anima” is a word in its own right (Jung’s feminine principle, or just the Latin word for “soul”). Erm. Not entirely sure what I’m saying here. Moving on.

>When events go awry
Uh, bein’ a tad too vague here.

>Will the pegasus manage to successfully escape this world, or will she be forced to wander its depths forever?
Rhetorical question, kill it.

>>86849
>I wish that was so true.
I wish that were true.

>My friends / we’re / our
It’s unclear who your narrator’s addressing—his in-story friends, the readers, someone else? Not sure.

Your synopsis is kind of intriguing, but it isn’t actually telling me anything about your story. Crazy narrator, or maybe not crazy. Conversion Bureau, but the narrator didn’t think ponies were real in the first place. MLP:FiM exists in-universe, apparently. All of these combine to give me... I’m not quite sure. I don’t know who your story’s about, or what it’s about, or anything, really.

>>87217
Your first sentence isn’t quite a rhetorical question, but I’m sure you could rephrase it as a sentence. Seeing as sentences are generally stronger than questions, especially in synopses, I’d recommend making that change.

One potential risk I’m seeing—not for the synopsis, that’s mostly fine, but for the story itself—is that we already know the outcome. The astronomers succeed, the Elements are reunited, and Nightmare Moon is purified. Knowing the outcome rather minimizes the suspense, so I’d be wary of that.

Other than those two remarks, you’re looking pretty good to me. Cheers.

I see that you've opened this again, so I'll give it a try if that's alright with you. Anyway, here we go!

Title: Paranormal Regrets
Tags: Sad

Lyra and Bon Bon have always been close friends, and at times, more than that. When they decide to take the next step, Lyra's worried that it might not work out. When an unfortunate accident threatens to end their relationship, Lyra swears to be there for Bon Bon no matter what, but how far can one unicorn go in the name of love?

>>87329
Hmm I'm tempted to give a link but that kinda ruins the point of a synopsis. Well here's a new version.

Synopsis: It's not real, it can't be real. Ponies are just cartoons and some fanfics on the internet. The wings, the hooves... I'm just having a bad dream!
I wish that were true. But pain, friends, and a strange drink are telling me this is all too real. I'm a pony now and I think the world is falling apart.
People, the end is nigh, the world has decided to go out with a bang, and it's taking us along for the ride.

>>87321
All righty thank you very much for the feedback.
I will work on retooling the synopsis.

>>87324
Dang. I don't know how to make a synopsis for a story that doesn't go over five thousand words without making it sound pretentious.

Thanks for the feedback. It is much appreciated.

>>87313
That makes sense. I've changed it to:
Nightmare Moon's new administration isn't going so well. After narrowly defeating the Elements of Harmony, she rules with a troubled heart, still reeling from the effects of the pitched battle. Her subjects beg for Celestia’s return, and the royal court’s petitions grow tiresome. Yet she comes across a very nervous and plain-looking young stallion named Strawberry Dawn with an odd request: a date. She decides to toy with him for a little while. She's already having mixed feelings about her eternal night, and these random acts of kindness cause something to start growing inside her.

>>87315
How about:
An innovative experiment on hyperspace fails catastrophically, leveling the research complex and propelling one of the technicians into another world. The accidental also triggers a horrible explosion in Equestria that ends up with the protagonist abandoned in a hospital. Soaked with the caustic hyperspace, he must deal with a brain that has been popped open like Swiss cheese as well as a clunkynew pony body with new abilities. A weird cowpony dressed all in black frees the technician, names his new pony self 'Raspberry', and then spins a wild tale about an evil Princess Celestia and her six evil assistants.

Raspberry appreciates the help, and he sets out to find a way back home, although he feels wary of the cowpony's warning. Raspberry discovers that his accident causes frequent migraines that bring unimaginable pain. These migraines open up little doorways between universes, causing his body to give birth to a horrifying variety of monsters. Raspberry hunts for pieces of hyperspace within Equestria that could send him back, paralyzed with fear with what the next migraine will unleash.

The story is rated 'Teen' for some salty language and sexual related humor. A special thanks to Spring Fresh for drawing the illustration over there as well.

Do those look good?

Here's another one that I'd like you to look at:

Title: Rarity's Vacation From Herself

{ Twilight promises Rarity that a new, experimental spell will make her stronger, smarter, and faster. It works! Yet Rarity wakes up the next morning only to discover a strange side effect. She looks in the mirror and sees a... he. Twilight sheepishly suggests that Rarity enjoy this "vacation from herself" and wait until the spell undoes itself, a full week later.

He calls this new male self "Purity", and he pretends to be Rarity's cousin, helping out after Rarity left for a sudden business trip. Purity tries to keep things quiet, and he goes about life as normally as possible. However, a new body means new... urges. Purity struggles to keep himself off of his old friends. He also must deal with a new customer named Blackberry, just coming in from Hoofington, that falls head-over-hooves in love with him. Blackberry feels rather weirded out, since he's only been into mares before, but Purity seems just so elegant as well as so incredibly beautiful. Purity can't seem to help himself from falling into the same trap.

Can Purity keep his relationship with his friends from turning into something pervy? Can Purity tell Blackberry the truth? What will happen when the seven days run up? }

Thanks!

A couple other sleeping review threads have awoken. Now I, too, rise from the depths! Yes. And all it took was a whole month. Well. Remember, if anyone else wants to jump in to review, that’s A-OK with me.

>>87348

I’m uncomfortable with “friends, and at times, more than that.” It’s two clauses connected by a conjunction, so you’d probably use a comma, but the second clause also has an appositive at the beginning, so normally you’d put that in commas as well. But “friends, and, at times, more than that” is way too many commas. It’s not wrong, per se, but it makes me uncomfortable. You don’t have to change this, though. It’s just my grammar sense acting up.

Otherwise, standard criticisms here: more detail in “an unfortunate accident” would be nice, and you end with a question. Right now, I’m thinking that Lyra ends up killed by a falling object, and her ghost lingers on out of love for Bon Bon. (I’d read that.) In general, avoid questions in synopses, because they allow readers to spin off into their own fantasies rather than fall into yours.

[Partial exception: asking a question and immediately answering it, usually sarcastically. The classic example is “Can these unlikely heroes overcome their differences and save the world? No. No, they cannot.”]

I’d rephrase that last sentence as declarative rather than interrogative, and maybe split it up into a couple sentences. Something like, “Before Lyra can move in, though, a tragic accident at the noodle factory ends her life. Now her ghost lingers on, determined to show Bon Bon the depths of her love.” Or, you know, whatever’s actually going to happen.

>>87377
This is more definite, which is nice. “A strange drink” might need some more clarification? But you’ve moved into specifics. You’re a pony, the world is about to end, let’s step back and watch the chaos unfold.

I am a little confused by the synopsis combined with [serious] and [sad] tags, though. Perhaps a little more solemnity and consequences in the synopsis? Right now I’d expect black comedy. Your use of casual speech (contractions, “cartoons and some fanfics,” “a strange drink,” “out with a bang,” and “taking us along for the ride”) don’t make it sound like a serious, sad story. Dark, yes, but your narrator doesn’t seem to be particularly serious or sad right here. Something to think about, at least.

>>87490

You already know I’m going to tell you to quit it with the questions in that last paragraph. “Now Purity must keep his relationships with his friends chaste.” “He has to decide whether to tell Blackberry the truth.” “The seven-day time limit is quickly approaching.” Somethin’ like that.

Also: Twilight’s spell makes Rarity stronger, faster, smarter, and male. Might want to rephrase that, to avoid the potential unfortunate implications.

The 6th Age
[Dark][Adventure][Sci-fi]
Ivory spires that put to shame the mountain they're grafted to. Thousands of lives perched on a slab of iron bolted to the side of a big rock. An artificial sun doin' its best to warm the deep shadows underneath a city on a plate, and way down where your hooves can touch the pavement, you're denied even that. This, all of this, is New Canterlot. This place is everythin' you ever dreamed of, and everythin' you ever feared. For what it's worth, good luck out there, chummer. I think you're gonna need it.

I've worked hard on this. I still don't like it. I might scrap it and start all over. Hrmmmmm.

Shacked Stallions in the Solar Seraglio
[Shipping][Comedy]

Old synopsis:
Big Macintosh is invited by Princess Celestia to Canterlot to discuss agricultural problems. And animal husbandry.

New synopsis:
He was a humble apple farmer with a simple wooden collar, while she was an luminescent ruler clad in gold. When Big Macintosh is invited to Canterlot to discuss agricultural problems, he finds a life he never imagined, and a lover he never dared dream about.


Yes, crappyunicorn gave permission for the use of her Canterlot picture there in the background.

>>95429
luminous, not luminescent
unless I'm saying she glows without heat, which could be true but makes me think of a firefly instead of a solar princess.

No, you're a unicorn. Now act like one!
[Shipping][Human-in-Equestria]

Lyra is a normal human girl with no direction in her life. But when she gets transported to Equestria, she's turned into a unicorn and has an... interesting meeting with Bon Bon.

Apparently there's about 5 errors in this and
I'm having difficulty identifying the errors.
Please help.

A young Colt named Valiant who goes through
PonyVille Primary and into college confronts so many problems
in life that he eventually faces depression.
Ever since he first had depression he has remained
silent at school and the outside world.
Everyday, he gradually builds a wall around himself
from reality and blocks himself into his world of
depression and silence.

He doesn't have decent friends.
He gets bullied almost constantly.
He faces family problems.
He confronts plans to suicide.

Will he manage to break through his wall of depression?

I've changed my synopsis quite a few times since I started my story. The basic premise of my story is that Dash has a crush on Twilight, and their relationship gets off to a rocky start, and then falls off a rocky cliff.

How much detail should one put in a synopses? In my latest iteration I go with a bit of tantalizing vagueness as follows:
Sometimes, you can't help who you fall for. With the best young flier competition not too far away, Dash begins getting distracted with frequent visits to the Ponyville Library.

I guess it depends on the premise, an obvious mane 6 shipping premise can get away with being vague because people always like to read about those, but a less attractive general premise such as "the elements of harmony are passed down to 6 new ponies" would require a bit more detail in its synopses because otherwise people will gloss over it.

Anyway, I would just like some opinions on when to be vague or when not to be vague in your premise.

Ferrarity
[Normal]
The newest craze in locomotion is sweeping Equestria. 'Auto-carriages' are fast, efficient and ugly. So, so ugly. One unicorn will not stand for this crime against fabulosity!

>>95293
Spell out numbers, whether cardinal or ordinal: “The Sixth Age.”
That first dropped g (“doin’”) is a tad surprising: it’s generally associated with lower class and lower education, but “Ivory spires,” “grafted,” and suchlike would seem to indicate otherwise. Maybe introduce that dropped g before the elevated vocab, or at least in the same sentence.

Your synopsis doesn’t tell me much about the story. While you’re very flavorful with your choice of vocab and accent, your current synopsis focuses on setting rather than plot. I’d guess it’s something post-apocalyptic? But I’m not sure, see; I know neither the plot nor the characters involved, and that's a problem. Your setting’s nice, but you’re not writing a travel guide. I assume.

>>95429

I don’t think I’ve seen this pairing before. (Not counting generalized Molestia, that is. Haven’t seen this pairing spotlighted.) Interesting idea you’ve got here.

The old synopsis works if you’re limited in length, though note I’d change it to active voice instead of passive (“Princess Celestia invites Big Macintosh etc.”). Same note on the new synopsis. You don’t really need the comma between “imagined” and “and.” Otherwise you’re looking clean. I am intrigued by this synopsis.

>>95534
I assume you're doing nonstandard title caps on purpose, so that's fine.

Starting sentences with conjunctions like “but” is, while not wrong, often considered sloppy. I’d recommend changing it. “Interesting meeting” could do with clarification as to the type of interesting you mean. [Shipping] tag narrows it down somewhat, but “interesting meeting” could be initial terror/seeking understanding/love at first sight/insta-orgy, and narrowing that down’d be nice.

>>95640
Hmm. I assume you submitted to EqD and got auto-rejected?

Here are some tips from me. Read the OP of any thread you submit to. For instance, I’ve here asked for title and tags, which you’ve missed. From looking at this small bit, I rather suspect you’re going to need a run through one of the review threads or the Training Grounds before you’ve got any chance of being accepted to EqD.

Formatting: you’ve added a whole bunch of unnecessary paragraph breaks. Makes it look like you’re trying to write poetry. Don’t do that.

You’ve screwed up a few of your caps—“Colt” and “PonyVille.” Fix those.

“Everyday” should be “Every day.” They’re not the same thing.

The phrase “confronts plans to suicide” doesn’t quite make sense. Are you a non-native speaker? I think you mean, “He’s made plans to commit suicide,” but I’m not sure.

Likewise, “builds a wall around himself from reality” is wrong. I assume you mean “builds a wall separating himself from reality.”

You end with a rhetorical question. I advise against using rhetorical questions in synopses.

You use the word “depression” three times. That’s too many for such a short bit.

“Ever since he first had depression” is the wrong verb. “Developed” instead of “had” would be more correct.

Even ignoring the errors, though, I’m not particularly interested in reading this story. It’s about someone overcoming his depression, and yes, that’s a very noble thing. But your story doesn’t sound, well, interesting. It’s all focused on him, and your synopsis doesn’t make him seem like anything more than a sad sack. Either make him more dynamic, or introduce other named characters for him to interact with.

>>95672
I’m all for specificity in synopses. Your current synopsis gets your point across, sure, but you could write “TwiDash Shipfic #176” instead and few would notice the difference. This synopsis doesn’t tell me why your TwiDash shipfic is better than someone else’s. What makes you special? Right now, you’ll get readers, but they won’t be coming for your story—they’ll be coming because they’ve already read TwiDash Shipfics #1-175. Which, let me hasten to add, is a perfectly acceptable way to get readers, and if you write well then you’ll eventually have people saying, “Hey, TwiDash Shipfic #176 was really good! You should read it!” and you’ll get readers that way, too. That’s absolutely fine, that’s a thing you can do and that’s fine, but it’s something you should think about anyway.

Also, “Best Young Flyer competition.” Caps and spelling.

>>95679
Hmm. You set up a clever premise. While you don’t name your character, you make it obvious enough who it is (and her name’s in the title anyway). You establish concrete stakes—the carriages are ugly, and Rarity cannot let that stand. And you do all of this in the space of four sentences of reasonable length. Grammar-wise, I like my double quotes and my serial commas, but that’s personal preference. I can’t find anything real in here to criticize. Nice job.

Hi there! I've got two short synopses for my fics- they're not quite standard "summaries/descriptions", but I'm hoping they get the idea going well enough.

1.) Another Day For the Whooves
[Comedy/Slice of Life about the daily shenanigans of the Whooves family]
Synopsis:

Wake up, clean the TARDIS, have some tea, get chased by Daleks, have more tea, lose the Vortex, make muffins, find the Vortex, eat muffins and tea, blow up the planet. Just another day for the Whooves family.

...Oh, and Carrot Top has NO idea what's going on. Just saying.

2.) Equestria: The Time Loop Files
[Comedy/Random about the insanities of Twilight and the Mane 6 as they loop endlessly through time. Mainly crack]

Synopsis:

Traveling back in time once is more than enough. But more than once, and involuntarily? Sheesh. Twilight and the rest of the Mane Six are about to find out just how "crazy" (or bored) ponies can become when exposed to decades of time looping shenanigans.

Reader come in, there's pony within. Prepare yourself for the horror, the wonder, and the insanity of the Equestrian Time Loop Files, preserved here for transdimensional hilarity. And please remember not to feed the Temporasprites.

Thank you!

>>96059
Lyra appears in Bon Bon's bathtub (while Bon Bon's taking a bath.) How can I change it so it's clearer, but doesn't sound dirty.

As Ion-Sturm has pointed out, the current synopsis for my EqD fic is kind of lame, and I want a better one. How's this?

Spirits of Harmony
[Adventure]
The Elements of Harmony have forged more legends throughout history than any pony remembers. The Elements remember, though, and sometimes, the Elements will tell their stories.

>>96058

Thanks for the review and suggestion.

>>96058

Thanks for the review.

[Shipping][Human-in-Equestria]
Bored with high school, Lyra's life changes when she's brought to Equestria and turned into a mint-green pony with a magical horn bulging out of her head. After an... interesting meeting, Bon Bon decides to help Lyra adjust to life in Ponyville.

Is this any better?

A Grating Tale
[Dark]
Itchweed Nathaniel Grate (or Grate, as he would be called if he had any friends) tends to spend his time with nature, either outdoors in the untamed areas of Equestria, or in his florist shop, surrounded by his beloved flowers. But Grate has begun to see dark patterns surrounding Ponyville, from sinister thoughts within his own mind... to the very landscape itself.

I've been terrorizing #fic on IRC with this synopsis for days now. I guess it's time for it to see the light of day:

The Equestrian Spring
[Dark]
Nine months was all it took for one earth pony to put Princess Celestia on the defensive. A fledgling protest movement and its wily leader have risen to challenge both her and her sister’s age-old rule. And though Celestia harbors many doubts about her adversary's true motivations, she can’t help but wonder if her own strategy for restoring order isn't proving the protesters' point. As she, Luna, and a devoted Royal Guardspony race to tamp down the flames from Just Cause's torch, the princess will discover first-hoof what happens when emotions are repressed, when loyalties are abused, and when difficult questions are ignored for too long.

Not Echoes, but giving it a shot anyway.

>>97679
>Bored with high school, Lyra's life changes when she's brought to Equestria and turned into a mint-green pony with a magical horn bulging out of her head. After an... interesting meeting, Bon Bon decides to help Lyra adjust to life in Ponyville.
The use of ellipses implies ambiguity. Quoting Echoes: "I’m all for specificity in synopses" - don't be vague on your first impression, be upfront! "Interesting meeting" could do with a bit of expansion, I suppose - "a chance encounter", "an embarrassing incident", "a series of ..." - would give you more of a hook earlier on, grabbing that vital first interest.

>>98943
>Ever wondered how Derpy got her cutie mark? or why she loves muffins so much? That grey mailmare has a more complicated past than you think. this is the story of how she became the googly-eyed mother of young Dinky.
Capitalize "or" and "this". Also, replace the rhetoric questions with statements: it's better, imho, for the readers to be the first ones to ask questions rather than your fic. Also because Echoes says so and he's a lot better at this. I feel that it needs more info, too. "How Derpy became a mother" doesn't scratch the surface enough. It's not that it's not engaging, it's that there isn't anything to engage us with.

>>98954
>Itchweed Nathaniel Grate (or Grate, as he would be called if he had any friends) tends to spend his time with nature, either outdoors in the untamed areas of Equestria, or in his florist shop, surrounded by his beloved flowers. But Grate has begun to see dark patterns surrounding Ponyville, from sinister thoughts within his own mind... to the very landscape itself.
Ah, "Nathaniel". Almost-name of a good friend of mine, the anti-hero in the excellent Bartimaeus Chronicles, and possibly second most-frequent name of self-inserts in bad brony-in-Equestria fics. Nathaniel is not a pony name. I would suggest you remove that part. Remove the parentheses (brackets) and just use commas instead. "tends to spend" - it's implied that he spends most if not all of his time with nature. Why not just state this outright?

>....spends most, if not all of his time with nature, either outdoors...

Starting sentences with "And" and "But" are deemed sloppy.

Remove the ellipse after "mind" for reasons stated above.

What does "from thoughts to the landscape itself" mean? I see it as: he sees patterns within his thoughts, as well as in/on the landscape, and these surround Ponyville. Which does not make much sense, as "thoughts" and "landscape" don't quite match "borders (that surround) Ponyville". Perhaps replace the "sinister thoughts" bit with something more concrete, present in the physical world that can be measured on the same level of "landscape".

Been feeling like this synopsis is a bit off. Thought I might give this a go.

Caveat Emptor: Let The Buyer Beware
[Dark][Adventure][Sad]

Things are awry in Ponyville. Last Twilight Sparkle checked, the only voice in a pony's head should be her own. Curiosity piqued, Twilight and her friends do some investigating, and uncover a horrifying secret. As loyalties are tested, the six friends find themselves questioning the very world around them. But through it all, one stark, terrifying truth remains clear:

Everything comes at a price.
And It has come to collect.

>>99029
okay thanks. it's diffucult because i don't want to give away too much detail, but here goes take two:
A Special Mare
She may look silly and act funny, but that grey mailmare has a more complicated past than you think. Delve into her painful past and discover what makes that googly eyed pegasus so special.

how's that?

>>99029

Thanks for the advice. While the name is kinda a non-issue, as I never use anything other than Grate after the introduction, I'll definitely get to fixing the rest of the summary.

It will probably help significantly when I have slightly more of the story written, so I can be more specific, at least.

As for "the landscape itself" bit... I will freely admit that was BS on my part, resulting from ending up with half a sentence and nothing more to add. It will probably change anyways when I figure out exactly what will be happening in this story. Beyond the general concept, I mean.

But thanks, I may submit an updated version when I've improved it a bit to see how that goes over.

>>99029
thanks

>>99059
>She may look silly and act funny, but that grey mailmare has a more complicated past than you think. Delve into her painful past and discover what makes that googly eyed pegasus so special.
I'd say replace "She" with Derpy Hooves, or Derpy. Being frank with your main character is the best way to go.

I think there's a hyphen - "googly-eyed".

But otherwise, I think it's better. It gives me the suggestion of warm-hearted D'aww. Again, what I perceive may be different from what the majority sees, but this is what I have to offer.

>>99066
Sure thing. You don't need to come up with a synopsis until you publish it for general viewing; when you do that, by then you should probably have already a clear idea of where you're going with it, which in turn is all the info you need to write a summary.

[Tags] Dark, Adventure, Alternate Timeline
Here's the synop for my new fic:

Welcome to the world of Redemption: a world where Pegasi rule, Unicorns have disappeared, and Earth ponies are either slaves or banished to the wastes. After the alicorn queen Ao leaves the Three Cities for 1000 years, political turmoil and unrest have left the world in its current state. Kicked out of her home for discovering the dark secret hidden underneath the City of Haven, a pegasus author goes on a quest through the wastes to find those forlorn and unwanted that will stand with her to stop the corruption and deception that has taken hold of the once peaceful land.

Greetings.

I am TheGreekDollmaker and I would like to present to you my story synopses.

You see, I am planning on a revision on one of my stories, "Beneath the Fields of Heaven" a deconstruction of traditional HiE stories. I have two openings that I would like to show you, one old, one new. I should also point out that I am not a native english speaker and this was one of the first stories I actually wrote.

---
OLD SYNOPSES
Sypnosis: As the leaves blow around Equestria, as the snow falls within the snowy Dragon Mountains, a human enters this world.
Directionless he will be stripped of whatever illusions of happiness he ever knew, he will expiriance what it means to be alone, injured and not ready to die yet. In this new world he will learn what it means to be robbed of his memories, left with no objective.

He will have to find his purpose, the purpose of his existance in this land, the purpose of why he needs to go on, the purpose he is unaware about.

NEW SYNOPSES:There once was a clever animal.

One which, between the uncountable star systems and light years separating them, found himself in Equestria. The trees grew old as spring came and their leaves continued to fall around Equestria, the hummings of joy and festivities echoed between unconquerable mountains coming from the Gryphonian capital, while the grave silence of at the lands of the dragons continued on like madness. Nothing changed, and nobody was there to greet the wandering beast.

The clever animal found himself directionless, stripped of his experiences, left with only shells and fragments of agonies to torment himself and others.

That clever animal was man.

---

The Story in Question Chapters 1-3 (Links to later chapter in the doc): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HnjLC3R6tYWMBaoxMtMAlUXFX10FfGT5aNasnmW68Kg/edit

With Regards
TheGreekDollmaker

This thread is great; I think I'll help out in a bit. Meanwhile, please tell me whether or not this grabs the eye:

"The Savage Way"
[Sci-Fi][Dark][Human]
After a disaster at sea, Caramel finds himself stranded on an island with the only other survivor: a human immigrant. They agree to work together and escape. But soon Caramel begins to wonder if his new friend is not as benevolent as he seems.

Thanks in advance!

>>99730

The most important job for a synopsis is to grab the readers' attention. It can do this by being brief, by raising questions, and by being vaguely omenous while still giving an idea of the contents. The first step to telling which of these does this most effectively, is to listen to what your gut tells you. The best synopsis grabs the reader on an emotional level as well as a conscious one.

Of these two, the second grabs me more effectively. The first is too vague, and feels like an attempt to summarize without spoiling the story.

The second is poetic without being too overwritten (in my opinion), the language is specific enough, and the mention of the hero's own psychological problems tells us a bit about the sort of conflict to expect.

Now for the small stuff.

The second sentence's structure rings false, because the phrase "one which" should not come at the beginning of a sentence (though you've probably seen people do it erroniously). I suggest something like, "Between the uncountable star systems and light years separating them, he found himself in Equestria."

The third sentence has some comma splices—that is, independent clauses separated by commas. It needs to be re-phrased. You could break it into smaller sentences. You could add conjunctions, such as "...fall around Equestria, and the hummings of joy..."

The "at" after "grave silence of" seems to be a simple error. If not, be advised: there is no instance in English where the phrase "of at" is correct.

Use of the word "grave" seems strange here. I would only say "grave silence" if I was talking about a person's manner, or if I wanted to hint at something deathly being involved.

The phrase "like madness" is confusing in this context, at least in English. I say cut it.

I suggest merging the second and third paragraphs.

The rest is good. Keep writing; you've piqued my curiosity.

Howdy! I could use some help.

I'm currently putting the finishing edits on the first chapter of my first fanfic, Smiling Flowers. However, before I post it, I need a Synopsis. Here's the one I have:

Title: Smiling Flowers
Tags: [Slice-Of-Life] [Semi-Sad]
Synopsis: For most ponies, their Cutie Mark represents the confirmation of their destiny and their special talent coming into light. But for Cheerilee, it represents something else...frustration, anxiety, insecurity....and a secret she's found harder and harder to keep to herself. A story of discovering yourself and following your heart.

I don't know...I'm really not happy with how it sounds. The idea of the story is that Cheerilee has been lying about her cutie mark...she got it when she was gardening as a filly. But she wanted to be a teacher so bad that she lied about it and still pursued teaching. The story will be about her overcoming insecurities based on lying about her mark (through conversations with several characters), and learning that what your Cutie Mark is isn't as important as what your passion is...that just because her "special talent" is gardening doesn't make her any less of a teacher.

I want the synopsis to hook someone into the story based on wanting to find out what Cheerilee's secret is, and wanting her to overcome the issues she has with it. My current Synopsis just feels very...flat.

If you want to read more of the story, the current Rough Draft is located here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VjNVp9mkC2i0ZIuW3WrnmO0Gb0W55ASAgAN6DiYHRQY/edit

WARNING: ROUGH DRAFT. Lots of edits have been made in my on-computer text file that haven't changed in the google docs file yet. The edits, though, are not story related...they have to do with grammar usage, Showing instead of Telling, and other things like that.

Any advice/rewrites that you could give me on the Synopsis would be hugely appreciated. Thanks!

Title: Watching Paint Dry
FiMFiction tags: [Slice of Life]
EqD tags: [Tranche de Vie (Normal)] life, love, and, fancy, mathematics

Short Synopsis: After the Crusaders paint their club-house, Sweetie watches it dry.
Long Synopsis: Apple Bloom and her friends give their clubhouse a fresh coat of paint, and on a whim Sweetie Belle decides to watch it dry. Scootaloo doesn't quite see the point, but some things, such as summer afternoons, are beyond explanation.

Spoiler: Apple Bloom and her friends finish painting their club-house. Scootaloo has made a mess of herself, so she and Apple Bloom go to wash the paint out of her wings. Sweetie stays behind, after deciding to take a play-argument seriously: she will prove that watched paint does dry. AB and Scoots play in the water until AJ tells them to knock it off. Sweetie listens to cicadas and the paint is wet; AB talks about AJ's vendetta against woodpeckers. Sweetie admires the treehouse's foundations and muses over the brain-work that went into building it (very soft fancy-mathematics joke here); AB and Scoots jump in a pond, and Scoots expresses concern for Sweetie's feelings. The paint still isn't dry, and Sweetie acquires a beanbag for herself and philosophizes with Rainbow Dash (with stealth AppleDash shipping). Finally, Apple Bloom decides to check on the paint, and she and Scootaloo discover that Sweetie has fallen asleep. The paint's dry, but ultimately unwatched. There's a throwaway joke about Apple Bloom and power tools, and everypony starts thinking about their evening together: the Apples, Rainbow, and the Crusaders.

This is not a plot-driven story.

The main theme is that the things most worth having, whether they're relationships or physical capital (like the treehouse), require attention and work and sometimes just time. A secondary theme is a dialectic between stillness, solitude, and appreciation on one side; and action, companionship, and creativity on the other.

This is a sacred-gerbil story. And compacting it down to fit in a synopsis has not been easy. Thoughts?

Title: Out of Context
Tags: Adventure, Sci-Fi, Not Crappy HiE

The laws of reality are flexible. If someone has a strong enough will she can alter reality to an extent. Life in the galaxy is dependent on this flexibility, except for life on Earth. For some reason reality around humanity is rigid. This effect increases exponentially with the human population. Humanity has been expanding in the galaxy for the last couple of centuries. In this time, they have discovered the remnants of other species, but all the worlds they found have been barren. That is until, at the very edge of explored space, a single strange world is found with equally strange inhabitants. Luna receives a dire warning from a spacefaring parasite, whom she has battled with in the past. It warns of a spreading plague of unknown nature that chokes out all life. A great swath of space is uninhabitable and untraversable; and it is growing in the direction of her world. Unbeknownst to her, a human expedition is already in orbit.

She may look silly and act funny, but that grey mailmare has a more complicated past than you think. Delve into her painful past and discover what makes that googly eyed pegasus so special.

Mmm. This says "generic Derpy sadfic" to me. I disagree about needing to use her name, but it's not a terrible idea.

Her googly eyes and playful demeanor hide a painful past.

Really, do you say more than that?

--

"The Savage Way"
[Sci-Fi][Dark][Human]
After a disaster at sea, Caramel finds himself stranded on an island with the only other survivor: a human immigrant. They agree to work together and escape. But soon Caramel begins to wonder if his new friend is not as benevolent as he seems.

You have my attention, and I don't even like hyoo-menz.

First sentence is very indirect. Action verb.
A disaster at sea strands Caramel with a strange creature: a human.

"work together" and "escape" are so wishy-washy. And who cares about beginning to wonder?
Caramel can't survive on his own, but his only friend might not be as benevolent as he seems.

--

Welcome to the world of Redemption: a world where Pegasi rule, Unicorns have disappeared, and Earth ponies are either slaves or banished to the wastes. After the alicorn queen Ao leaves the Three Cities for 1000 years, political turmoil and unrest have left the world in its current state. Kicked out of her home for discovering the dark secret hidden underneath the City of Haven, a pegasus author goes on a quest through the wastes to find those forlorn and unwanted that will stand with her to stop the corruption and deception that has taken hold of the once peaceful land.

Great wall of text, Batman!

I'll find out what the place is called soon enough. As a general rule, names for OCs or other original things are meaningless to someone who hasn't read the fic yet. Exception for Ao because she's not the alicorn we're expecting.

The throne of the alicorn Ao sits a thousand years empty, unicorns have disappeared, and pegasi enslave the remaining earth ponies. An author strikes too close to the dark secret of her home city. Banished, she seeks those who will stand with her against the corruption that stole the land.

--

Greek, what makes your story different? I only hear typical HiE stuff in your synopsis.

--

For most ponies, their Cutie Mark represents the confirmation of their destiny and their special talent coming into light. But for Cheerilee, it represents something else...frustration, anxiety, insecurity....and a secret she's found harder and harder to keep to herself. A story of discovering yourself and following your heart.

Synopsis with fluff deleted

... Cutie Mark represents... special talent... But for Cheerilee, it represents ... insecurity....and a secret ...

Canon has this, which would be nice to reference.
Cheerilee: Yes I know, but honestly, that's how everypony was wearing their mane back then. I had decided to become a teacher, and the flowers symbolized my hope that I could help my future students bloom if I nurture them with knowledge. The smiles represented the cheer I hope to bring to my little ponies while they were learning. Now, can anyone tell me when a pony gets his or her cutie mark?
Twist: Oh! Oh! Oh! When she discovers that certain something that makes her special!
Cheerilee: That's right, Twist. A cutie mark appears on a pony's flank when he or she finds that certain something that makes them different from every other pony. Discovering what makes you unique isn't something [Diamond Tiara: pssst!] that happens overnight, and no amount of hoping, wishing, [Tiara: pssst!] or begging, would make a cutie mark appear before its time.


*snip*
the flowers symbolized my hope that I could help my future students bloom if I nurture them with knowledge. The smiles represented the cheer I hope to bring to my little ponies while they were learning.

*switch to 3rd person and snip again*
Cheerilee's flowers symbolize her students blooming, and the smiles are the cheer she brings.

*and contradict*
Cheerilee's flowers symbolize her students blooming, and the smiles are the cheer she brings. At least, that's what she tells everypony who asks.


Done.

--
Flying High, Falling Hard

Well, Dash ends up muzzle-to-muzzle with Spitfire, and she sleeping with Twi in a mostly-but-not-really-platonic way by the second chapter, and the coming-out disaster... why should you settle for a generic synopsis?

>>99928

Alrighty, I see where you're going with this. I still want to get in the fact that the story is about Cheerilee learning something...I really don't want people to read the synopsis and go "Oh look, another sad story with no happy ending. Yawn snore."

Basically, I want a second half of the synopsis that reads like this:

"But after a horrible day, when she simply can't hold the truth in anymore, she learns that sometimes, following your heart is more important than following your "predetermined destiny" "

But that sounds awkward and I feel it gives away a bit too much...any suggestions?

>>99928

Thanks. I'll work on tightening the language.

>>99856

Greetings.

Thank you for the critique. Here is the fixed version, the one which will be used in the fan fiction.

---
There once was a clever animal.

Between the uncountable star systems and light years separating them, it found itself in Equestria. The trees grew old as spring came, their leaves continued to fall around Equestria, the hummings of joy and festivities echoed between unconquerable mountains coming from the Gryphonian capital, while a grave maddening silence overtook the lands of the dragons like it did for eons at end. Nothing changed, and nobody was there to greet the wandering beast. The clever animal found himself directionless, stripped of his experiences, left with only shells and fragments of agonies to torment himself and others.

That clever animal was man.
---

With Regards
TheGreekDollmaker

Well I've got two synopsis for the same story, not sure about either, but here we go I guess...

Tags: [Grimlight][Adventure][Normal]
Additional tags: Story within a story, Past catching up, Misunderstandings, Wolves, Fighting, Dragon.

Synopsis one:
"You're certain we could not tell them that she is there?"

"Yes, if they knew for sure they would have avoided her, Philomena told them enough."

"What about warning her or the other bearers? You could have said more in the letter."

"We've already talked about this, sister, telling them would just make everything worse."

"I hope you're right, Tia, either way, it's in their hooves now."

"Hooves and paws."

Synopsis two:
Finesse Lupus stared at the empty scabbard in his hoof, before looking down at the town in front of them. The princesses were definitely hiding something from them. Maybe they are guiding them? Or maybe they're hiding HER…?

"Ray, what would Silver do?"

The wolf's only answer was walking towards the town, and he was joined a moment later by his alpha, until a thought stopped them in their tracks.

Fluttershy still thinks we tried to kill her.

>>96066

Both of these sound like Comedy/Random fics. For the second, that’s fine; for the first, you might want to tone it down a little, if you’re aiming for Slice of Life. The string of fragments and commas definitely gets your “comedy” point across, but it sounds more like wacky-type comedy than straight Slice of Life.

One of the nice/terrible (depending on your perspective) things about comedy fics, especially random/comedy fics, is that they’re intended to break the rules. That makes giving advice difficult, since off-the-wall non-standardness can work quite well.

That said, I can offer a few small pieces of specific advice. Firstly, I’d recommend you remove the quotes around “crazy.” You’re making a direct quote from Twilight, I assume (“Everypony in this town is crazy!”), but those quotes can also be confused for sarcasm. Secondly, “time-looping” with a hyphen. Thirdly, I’d recommend changing “preserved here for transdimensional hilarity.” Saying “this is going to be so hilarious, you guys” is a risky business. If you pull it off, great, but we can judge that for ourselves. If you don’t pull it off, we’re going to be really annoyed. Maybe just “preserved here for future generations”? Or “future/past generations,” if you prefer.

>>97675
I think I’ve heard about this one. It’s a story about previous Element-bearers, right?

But it’s really hard to tell that from the synopsis. You mention the Elements, but the story’s about the ponies bearing them. So, at the very least, change those first few words to “The bearers of the Elements of Harmony have forged etc.”

Wait a sec, I think I see some of the problem here. You’re using the phrase “Elements of Harmony” with three meanings: the virtues, the bearers, and the physical objects. One symbol, three referents. That’s fine in the story—creates some interesting ambiguities—but if there’s one thing you don’t want the synopsis to be, it’s ambiguous. So, at least for the synopsis, make it clear which you’re referring to, each time you use “the Elements.”

Please note: I haven’t read this story. All of my criticism here is grounded in hearsay and my own interpretation of your synopsis. If I’ve gone in an entirely unexpected direction... well. Oops? I suppose that’d be the clearest indication that your synopsis isn’t telling me enough.

>>99013

Hmm. That’s quite nice. I’d cut the “And” from “And though Celestia etc.”; while it’s not wrong to start a sentence with a conjunction, it’s often considered sloppy, and the sentence works fine without. Maybe take out the hyphen in “first-hoof,” seeing as “firsthand” doesn’t have one? Although “firsthoof” looks a little odd, so eh.

The last half of the last sentence (”when emotions are repressed, when loyalties are abused, and when difficult questions are ignored for too long”) is a little vague for my tastes. I’d like to see a little more specificity there, especially since the earlier stuff is nicely concrete. But it works fine as-is, so do as you see fit.

>>99048

In the title, "the" should be lowercase.

Your main problem here is in the use of ambiguous subjects and even-more-ambiguous pronouns.

>“The only voice in a pony’s head should be her own.”
It’s not clear whether Twilight has a voice in her head, or one of her friends does, or even if they’ve all got little voices. Make that clear.

>Everything comes at a price. And It has come to collect.
The caps leads me to believe you’re using “It” as a proper noun, and talking about a self-aware, malevolent entity. However, “It” is naturally a pronoun, and its current antecedent is “a price.” Unless you’re writing a horror story about sentient economics, that’s probably worth rephrasing. (Also, avoid starting sentences with conjunctions.)

One last bit on those last two lines. The line break is unnecessary—I get that it’s dramatic, but it’s dramatic in a hammy way. Just keep it as one line.


More generalized criticism: Darkness often thrives on mystery, so I understand that you don’t want to give too much away regarding your It. However, synopses can’t be mysterious. Be concrete, be up-front about what the conflict is and what its stakes are. (Everything I know about storytelling, I learned from narrativist RPGs! Not really, but those sorts of considerations are very helpful. Anyway.) While your antagonist might be mysterious, you can certainly tell us about how Twilight and her friends are in danger, and how much they stand to lose.

>>99925

Not sure what you mean by “sacred gerbil”; a quick Google reveals only some mis-quoted LeGuin and, um, a fake church based in Canada. I’d assume a pun on “sacred cow”?

You can drop the extra commas on the tags, and “Tranche de Vie” might come off as pretentious.

Right now, I’m imagining a slow, sweet, introspective, and mostly-peaceful story. If you want to contrast that with AB and Scoot’s shenanigans, you’d need to be a bit more... shenaniganny, but otherwise I think you’ve gotten your point across. It’s not usually my kind of story, but it sounds... nice, you know? Lying out on the grass reading, something like that. It’s enough, is what I mean. Not a whole lot of advice for improvement that I can offer you: you get your point across, and people who want to read that sort of story will see this synopsis and know that it’s the kind of story they want to read.

>>99926

Semicolon (“untraversable; and”) should be a comma. Some other comma errors: will, she can alter; reason, reality around; parasite whom she has. “That is until, at the very edge” makes me uncomfortable, too.


Your first couple sentences, about the shifting nature of reality, don’t feel integrated into the rest. Is the stagnant nature of humanity infectious, and thus dangerous?

Also vagueness and lack of names: “for some reason” and “a spacefaring parasite.”

My main complain, though, is this: this synopsis feels choppy to me. Some paragraph breaks might improve your flow. You’re feeling kind of... mechanical, I guess? Lots of exposition, delivered quickly but drily. Lots of elevated diction makes you feel stiff, words like “exponentially,” “uninhabitable,” “untraversable,” “unbeknownst.” Even “whom” is pretty formal. Describing a period of time as “the last couple of centuries” is informal, though, and thus sticks out. You don’t have to be all, “Reality’s really flexible and you can totally change the world if you feel like it”-type informal, but, well, I think the synopsis would be improved if you’d soften up a bit.

>>100018

Okay, if you’re going to write a deconstruction, you need to push that in your synopsis. Push it hard. Right now you’ve got introspection, you’ve got philosophizing (or faux-philosophizing, depending on your perspective), and you’ve got humans.

That reads as bog-standard Human in Equestria. You’ll get readers expecting bog-standard Human in Equestria. If you’re turning HiE on its head, you’ve got a good chance of pissing off those readers, and people who might be interested in such a deconstruction won’t have ever opened it.

You can pimp out your philosophizing later, once we’re already in the story; right now you are a drunk at the bar with your arm around my shoulder, trying to tell me why the world is the way it is. It doesn’t matter if you’re insightful and original, because my main thought is, Dammit, all I wanted to do was get a drink.

What makes your story different? What makes your story worth reading? If you’re doing a deconstruction, make sure we know that from the beginning.

>>100268

Your tags are too much. I assume they’re the EqD-bound tags? EqD wants five words; occasionally people get away with five tags, one or two of which are two words long. You have six tags totalling eleven words. That ain’t good.

Your second synopsis has a tense error—”they are guiding them.” Make sure you fix any tense errors in the actual story.

I don’t like either of these options. They’re not really synopses or summaries; they’re excerpts from the actual story. We don’t get to know anything outside of those two little excerpts. We don’t get to know the story.


In a theoretical Synopsis Review Thread, Mk. II (in two hundred more posts), I’d be more thorough in the OP with my list of rules/guidelines. My rule number one for writing synopses is this:

>Don't be coy.

Okay, and Rule Zero is "Fix your typos, dumbass." Really, that “Don’t try to fit a whole chapter it there” laughs at me every time I open this thread. Damn you!

Anyway.

Don't be coy. Don't stand there all pretty and mysterious, fluttering your eyelashes and whispering, hoping for someone to come close enough to hear you.

Show us what you got. The synopsis isn't there to flirt, it's there to do business. It's not saying, "Well, maybe you want to read this?" and it's not just saying, "You want to read this." The synopsis says, "You want to read this, and here's why."

Around here, you'll often hear people say, "Write for yourself." That is good and true and beautiful advice.

BUT NOT HERE. The synopsis is written for your reader. The synopsis is selling your fic to a reader that you have to believe doesn't give a crap. "You should read this, and here's why."

(The tags and image are also part of this, as is the title to some extent. I think the misunderstanding is why people freaked out when FiMFic limited its stories to five character tags. All of that stuff isn't for you; it's for your readers, and your readers-to-be.)



So don’t be mysterious. Don’t give us an excerpt, or a hint. Don’t flirt, do business. Your story can be slow and sweet and sensuous, but in your synopsis? You’ve got two minutes in the broom closet, and you’d better impress me.

And with that, I think the past month's queue has been cleared. If I missed you, please call me out.

>>100727

Thanks for that :)

>I’d cut the “And” from “And though Celestia etc.”; while it’s not wrong to start a sentence with a conjunction, it’s often considered sloppy, and the sentence works fine without.
Point taken.

>Maybe take out the hyphen in “first-hoof,” seeing as “firsthand” doesn’t have one? Although “firsthoof” looks a little odd, so eh.
It does, doesn't it? I actually had it initially as firsthoof, but figured that it was weird to read. Not the biggest of deals, though.

>The last half of the last sentence (”when emotions are repressed, when loyalties are abused, and when difficult questions are ignored for too long”) is a little vague for my tastes.
By this do you mean that you'd like me to be more specific about the themes of the story in this part?

Thanks again for your help.

>>100018

Son of a... I forgot to mention that this was a deconstruction of HiE stories in the synospis.

No, seriously, this may be "bog-standard", whatever that is, but my original thought process was that you would read the (faux) philosophy, get a faint idea of what is going on, and then realise that this is intented as a decostruction.

Either way, I am writing another synopsis for this.

Correct Version:
"There once was a clever animal.

Between the uncountable star systems and light years separating them, it found itself in Equestria. The trees grew old as spring came, their leaves continued to fall around Equestria, the hummings of joy and festivities echoed between unconquerable mountains coming from the Gryphonian capital, while a grave maddening silence overtook the lands of the dragons like it did for eons at end. Nothing changed, and nobody was there to greet the wandering beast. The clever animal found himself directionless, stripped of his experiences, left with only shells and fragments of agonies to torment himself and others.

That clever animal was man.

---
A serious deconstruction of Human In Equestria stories. "

Does this change your expectations?

(Thank you for the harsh critisism.)

>>100730
Thank you for the review.

>>100732
Thank you for taking the time to do this, points taken.

So I've been wondering about a fic of mine. It's called "Pipsqueak the Valiant's Adventure Journal!", tagged [Slice-of-life], and the title says it all: it's Pipsqueak's journal.

The current summary is, horrendously: "A series of entries depicting Pipsqueak's life before and after arriving in Ponyville."

The additional tags: Origins, Redemption, Innocence, No Imagination Sequences, Adventures!

Spoilers: Pretty much a look at the world beyond Ponyville through the eyes of an innocent foal. While the summary is dead accurate, I feel that it's really clinical. There is a strong element of adventure, or so I'd like to think; should I add the [Adventure] tag as well, or does [Slice-of-life] cover it?

>>101027

You're gonna put in the work that it takes to write a fanfic, and that's all you have to say about it?

Come back when you're willing to do more than just say what's in your fic like you're reading off a list.

No need to be so condescending. The whole point is to get feedback - if you don't explain what he's doing wrong, how is he supposed to learn?

>>101028
Ah, I forgot to mention: I'm looking for discussion on how to go about it, because if I did know what to do, I'd already have done it.

>>101029

Just being in character.

What I'm saying is, that's not just clinical, that's downright boring. Go ahead and get cute with the description, people expect it of you anyway.

>>101030

That's enough of the name. It's hard to be in-character for a character who was designed to only kinda, sorta have a character.

I dunno, say something about youthful innocence or being an outsider. You know how Ion-Sturm gets pissy about rhetorical questions in synopses? Those people are trying to be cute and melodramatic. Be like that. But don't use a rhetorical question lest you piss Iron-Sturm off.

Daring Do and the Journey to the Center of Equestria
[Dark][Adventure]
When disaster strikes Equestria, Twilight Sparkle and her friends are called upon to journey through the monters' prison of Tartarus and into the lost caverns below. Beneath the land they know lie miles of tunnels filled with countless dangers and vicious creatures lost to time and light. Our intrepid heroines follow in the hoofsteps of a doomed expedition led by the most accomplished explorer in history as they face the trials that pushed even a living legend to her limits. They will find that the most fearsome foe is the dark emptiness of the furthest depths, a mirror of horrors that drives even the strongest of ponies toward insanity. The bearers of the Elements of Harmony may learn that they can only venture so far out of their depth and still hope to return when they join Daring Do in...

The Journey to the Center of Equestria.

Not sure about the additional tags. Probably "Ever Deeper and Ever Darker"

>>70737 Shooting for ambiguous here. If it's just in general a bad approach, I'll scrap it and do a traditional synopsis.

Eight-Hundred Millennia
[Sci-fi][Adventure][Dark]
"Just once, so I can see what it's like."

That was the last thing I said to my friends before I leaped into the unimaginable expanse of eternity...

This could be interesting! Although I'm pretty sure there is some grammar error in my synopsis.... Oh well, critique is always nice. The last line might be the weak one.

Rigor Mortis
[Dark] [Alternative Universe] [Crossover (World War II)}

My name is Rigor Mortis. For years I have prepared for this day, the day when I can finally let the world know my story. The story about how an ordinary doctor was granted the power to research anything he could think about, and how he abused it in ways unfathomable by ponykind. The story about how the same doctor years later used what he had learned during those years of power for his own well being.

>>101038
Heh. No harm done.

I guess it's the journal format: what would you expect if you were to pick up someone's diary? The front half is Pipsqueak living a simple foal's life and discovering a pirate ship-wreck. The second half has him being kidnapped and traversing the continent. I'm not sure what my hook is, aside from narrative voice. I'm at a loss as to how to summarize it all. =s being cutesy... any examples come to mind?

>>70737
im looking for help with this just call me ultimaomega for refrence Outline for “Return of Chaos”

So i had this crazy idea for season three opener (just a idea) so crazy stuff starts to happen in Ponyville and whatnot mane 6 immediately blame discord he actually turned a new leaf and is not doing it so as it turns out discords father pandemonium is causing it they try to defeat him with the elements turns out you can’t they go to celestia and she talks about elements of chaos (which are crazy anti elements) and their pilots who somehow(but that's 6 different stories)they meet their polar opposites (the mane six) so all 16 of them(mane six anti six male leader from wonder bolts luna celestia and discord) go to jade opened by anti six (entrance to hell (awwww yeahhh ff2 reference)) but are stopped by gatekeeper (cue pendulum the other side) he explains that the elements are controlled by evil spirits in tartarus in which must be defeated by the group and that he is the first one (anti magic) ridiculous fight scene they lose because he is so BA so male wonder bolts guy sacrifices himself and admits his love fo RD(*poker face*)(cue pendulum voyager) they fight him in his weakened stance defeat him and head on..... this is the weird part cause i can’t think of an order but... Fight song and element list.....

fasten your seatbelts anti fun (hooded spirit never shows his face) (but pinkie pie defeats it with fun lol)

mutiny anti loyalty get it? (i dont know)(thinking a chaotix) ( discord is hypnotized into evil but rainbow takes them both down)

showdown anti truth(CRYSTALLUX THE CHANGELING KING) ( guy lies them into hate apple jack doesn’t believe it and beats him DOUUWWN)

the island anti kind (ghost knight) ( much like first element fight all 15 fight and lose fluttershy asks him nicely he says no and on the HAWWW she goes all hurricane fluttershy and beats him ,once again, DOUUWWN)

crush anti generosity(SOME MANTICORE) (but battle would consist of guy taking everything from wings to element and become some beast but is destroyed by his own power) Rarity: and by his extreme lack of fashion DUH!

…. and so in some order that happens and when they get to pandemonium's lair (que pendulum IMMERSION) they all try separately but bond together and using the power of friendship,harmony, love, hate and chaos rip pandemonium piece by piece and shoot him into the void to never be seen again......So they think.... this crazy story was inspired by listening to pendulum and walking through the woods for hours so yeah

Loose ends: (prototype) names of anti team
All boys except taks
Monoscale (RD) leader
Pears (AJ)
Commons (RA)
Corona (TW) (possible pet: taks)
Gliderage (FS)
Quiet cakes (PP)

>>101286
Gonna go out on a limb and say this is a 'sprite.

"To Make a Souffle, You Must Break a Few Eggs."
[Comedy][Slice of Life]

Rainbow Dash was just looking for a nice easy day off enjoying her favorite pastime, cloud napping, when she got wrangled into cooking a dessert for Twilight’s dinner party. Unfortunately not only can Dash not cook, but she has no idea what a souffle even is.

When the only pony Dash can turned to for help is Pinkie Pie, will either her sanity or body survive Pinkie’s aid?

This is the third (fourth?) attempt at a synopsis for my story which, while miles ahead of the previous attempts, could still use some TLC, perhaps.

Rainbow Typhoon
Rainbow Dash... Sometimes reckless, often daring, always loyal. Her one goal in life is to become a Wonderbolt, and with a little help from a hurricane, her fondest wish may come true. But storms are unpredictable, and a monster of a storm is the most unpredictable of all - and the most dangerous. The plans of a brave little pegasus mean nothing to a hurricane, and Rainbow Dash may end up facing far more than she can handle.

How far can you push a Rainbow?

>>100743
As I’ve said before, it’s my opinion that synopses should be as concrete as possible. When I say it’s vague, all I mean is: which emotions, whose loyalties, what questions?

>>100746
If you’re aiming for intentionally pretentious fauxlosophy, I would warn you not to. You’re running full-speed into the sharp end of Poe’s Law: for every loopy, intentionally ridiculous mantra you come up with, someone’s already come up with the same thing said sincerely. Your readers don’t know that you’re poking fun at it; they’ll just think you’re another weirdo trying to sell a new-age state of mind.

So, I said that you need to get across that you’re writing a deconstruction. Saying “This is a deconstruction” certainly does that... but, well, it’s hardly the most elegant way to do so, now is it.

What is a deconstruction? It’s when you take the rules of a story and run them to their natural conclusion, a conclusion which the original work ignores. So how is your story “deconstructing” Human-in-Equestria?

There are several paths to take with such a deconstruction. What consequences do you talk about that other Human-in-Equestria stories avoid? What makes your story a deconstruction, rather than a straight HiE?

That’s the information your synopsis should confer. That’s why we want to read your story. So tell us that.

Let’s look at your current version. In fact, let’s look at your synopsis already knowing what information you want to confer; namely, that you’re writing a deconstruction of HiE. This is extremely generous, because a synopsis is intended to attract the interest of a previously ignorant reader. I’m using this tack because I think it might show you a bit better where you need to clarify.

>A clever animal.
Deconstruction, human in Equestria. So perhaps what you’re deconstructing is the notion that humanity has some quintessential difference from ponykind? Or perhaps you’re deconstructing the notion that sapient beings have some quintessential difference from non-sapient beings. Or perhaps you’re trying to be cleverly philosophical and failing. We don’t know yet.

>uncountable star systems and light years separating them
So is this a musing on the coldness of the universe—that the vast majority of it is blank, uninhabited void? Is it a musing on the fecundity of the universe—”uncountable star systems,” teeming with incomprehensible life? Is it a combination of those two—the universe is full of life, but we don’t know any of it, and we’re all alone, but together in our solitude? Is it a jab at previous attempts to meld the real world and Equestria with either space travel or dimension-hopping? Is it another empty phrase? I’m not sure.

>The trees grew old as spring came, their leaves continued to fall
(Grammatically speaking, this is a fragment. Make it a complete sentence.)
So is this a story about aging and death? Or perhaps it’s about time in general, and the passing thereof. Or the natural cycle of the seasons, which then ties in to other natural cycles—spring, thus fertility, thus birth. Is this supposed to imply a romance?

>the Gryphonian capital [...] the lands of dragons
(The show’s spelling is “griffon.” I know, it bugs me too.)
This is pretty clear, then. You’re talking about some of the other known sapients, so I assume you’re bringing them into the story. Why, though—to show the reactions of other cultures to humanity? To emphasize the cultural and biological differences between different sapient species, and show their fundamental incompatibility? Maybe it’s the opposite, maybe you’re showing that sapience is a deep connection in and of itself. Or perhaps you’re just trying to worldbuild.

>shells and fragments of agonies to torment himself and others
So it’s a story about the inherent cruelty of mankind, causing suffering for no reason other than that we can. Or perhaps he’s tormenting others in a misguided attempt to alleviate his own suffering? Or perhaps it’s metaphorical—you previously say “nobody was there to greet the wandering beast,” so maybe these “others” are constructs of his own imagination? Or maybe, again, it’s more fauxlosophy.

>A serious deconstruction of Human In Equestria stories
This is straightforward. You’re deconstructing HiE. Only... what parts of it are you deconstructing? How? To what ends?


See that close reading? At the end of it, I still have no idea what your story’s about. And normal readers aren’t going to do that sort of analysis.

Don’t play around. Tell us what your story’s about, and why we want to read it, and make sure to get to the point.

>>101043
>Twilight Sparkle and her friends are called upon
Passive voice
>monters’ prison
Typo
>Our intrepid heroines follow in the hoofsteps of a doomed expedition led by the most accomplished explorer in history as they face the trials that pushed even a living legend to her limits.
This sentence is rather unwieldy.
>a mirror of horrors
It sounds impressive, but what does it mean?
>may learn
Be definite. Avoid “might”s and “maybe”s.
>The bearers of the Elements of Harmony may learn that they can only venture so far out of their depth and still hope to return when they join Daring Do in... The Journey to the Center of Equestria.
Another awkwardly long sentence.

You’ve got borderline LUS: in addition to your “they”s, you refer to the group as
>Twilight Sparkle and her friends
>Our intrepid heroines
>The bearers of the Elements of Harmony

You seem to be saying that Daring Do’s based on a real character. I don’t know how clear canon is on her fictionality, but this might raise hackles. (Even if canon leaves you the loophole. People like to have opinions on things they don’t know about.)

Finally,
>in...

>The
is an obvious, ham-handed, and ultimately failed attempt at trying to translate the Dramatic Pause into textual form. Take it out.

>>101045
>Eight-Hundred
No hyphen is necessary. Also, I know Writers Can't Do Math, but be careful on your time periods nonetheless. A quick google says that humans first made fire about 800000 years ago; if that's not the tech period you're looking for, revise.

I don’t like it when writers are vague in their synopses. Long explanations can be found above, but the gist of it is this: the point of a synopsis is to tell a reader what to expect and why to read. Vagueness does neither.

>>10161
You’ve a curly brace after “War II)” instead of the proper bracket.

>The story about how an ordinary doctor was granted the power to research anything he could think about, and how he abused it in ways unfathomable by ponykind.
and
>The story about how the same doctor years later used what he had learned during those years of power for his own well being.
are both fragments.

>an ordinary doctor was granted the power to research
Physicians aren’t really medical researchers.

>power to research anything he could think about
Maybe I’m missing something, but that doesn’t seem like a “power” to me. If you can think about it, and you can design an experiment, then you can research it. Even if the most obvious experiment would be unethical, there are often ways to redesign the experiment, or use a model, or something.

So. If I’m reading this correctly, you’re writing about Pony Mengele. That’s... that’s a thing you can do. If you want to write it, then you should write it. But the synopsis is about why we, as readers, should want to read it. What are you doing with the story of Pony Mengele that would make us want to read it for any reason besides Bile Fascination?

>>101286
I’ma follow >>101288’s lead on this one. If you’re being sincere, then clean up and try again.

>>101316
I like my soufflés to have the accented E, but that's because I'm a weirdo.

>a nice easy day off enjoying her favorite
I believe proper structure would be “day off to enjoy,” but I’m not entirely sure. Right now, it sounds off to me.

>Unfortunately not only can Dash not cook, but she has no idea what a souffle even is.
“Not only” pairs with “but also.” Revise this sentence for proper parallel structure.

Cut the rhetorical question.

A slightly less clinical synopsis might help you, seeing as you’re writing [Comedy]. What kind of comedy are you writing—goofy, wacky, black, wry, what? In particular,
>her favorite pastime, cloud napping
and
>When the only pony Dash can turned to for help is Pinkie Pie, will either her sanity or body survive Pinkie’s aid?
have a hint of wryness which might do with expansion.

>>101375

It’s often considered sloppy to start a sentence with a conjunction. Avoid doing so, especially in a synopsis.

Avoid using rarer punctuation marks, such as ellipses, colons, semicolons, and em dashes, in synopses.

Avoid using fragments in synopses.

Avoid using rhetorical questions in synopses.

Be concrete with your conflict and its stakes. Be definite. Avoid words like “may.” Avoid vague portents of danger like “more than she can handle.”

>a monster, a storm, the most unpredictable
Seek parallelism in your articles

That's everything for now, I think.

>>101746

So "The" was okay, right? :D

What Went Wrong
[Adventure] [Slice-of-Life]
One year has passed since the events of "A Canterlot Wedding" and the once-unshakable bond between the Elements of Harmony is beginning to crumble, weakened by a hundred little problems that nopony is quite sure how to deal with anymore. What they need is something to remind them of the magic of friendship. What they're going to get instead is a wall-eyed pony named Derpy Hooves and all the trouble that comes with her. I invite you to join Ponyville's unluckiest mailmare and all of your favorite characters on a wonderous journey through tales of the past and present, through a briar patch of mystery and intrigue, and deep into the dark heart of a century-spanning riddle that was never meant to be solved . . .

>>101739

This is more helpful. I get what you mean now.

The burden, though, lies on me. I have written a shit ton of synopses since the last post. This is not something I can do easily.

But I digress. Here's by best take on the synopses, in the order which I think is best.

Very Straightforward Summary
“A human with amnesia wakes up in Equestria. Hated and feared by the inhabitants of this world, haunted and watched by a being outside reality, he embarks on a Adventure to learn the truth of his existence.

Straightforward Summary
“Three Hundred Years after the Fall of Discord, a amnesiac human regains consciousness on Equestria. He is hated and feared everywhere he goes, both gryphon and pony alike, stirring conflict and panic due to the myths behind his species. He embarks on a long odyssey, walking through continents to find the truth of his existence and to get home. All the while a being beyond the reaches of reality haunts, watching him for reason he does not know. He will either learn the truth or die trying.

Synopses 1:
Three Hundred Years after the fall of Discord; the echoes of panic were heard as he was sighted at the Gryphonian mountains. Nobody knew who he was, not even himself, leading him to embark on a Journey to find answers to his questions. Everywhere he went he was greeted by fear or hate, unwelcome by the world and its inhabitants, leaving only memories of his existence. He scrambled and fought for every bit of gain, only in the end to ask himself the eternal question.

“Why”
---
A serious deconstruction of Traditional HiE stories.


Summary 2:

Three hundred years after Discord’s fall
Nobody knew who he was, not even himself
Born out of ignorance, a fate to befall.
So he left the lands, on a journey’s end.

One whose fame is already tainted
The mountains of madness he shall ascend
Everywhere he goes, weep and hatred.
The nature of his existence to comprehend.

Haunted by the reaches of that not known
To learn the truth, how cruel it may be
Whose torments will only make it grow.
Allas, such truth may not exist.

Behold, man.
---
A serious deconstruction of Traditional HiE stories.

Synopses 3:
The gods always want a sacrifice on their altars. Thats the only way I can explain why I am here. An unfortunate soul, whose heart beat the fastest and strongest. From the moment I set upon this world I was robbed of everything, from the day I set out to learn of this world I was feared and hated, from the weeks which I spent in lands unknown I was tormented by a being that transcends the heavens, from the months of reaching the fields of heaven I was cast down to nothing more than a monster. If such is my fate, than so be it.

I shall go on as long as my legs will take me, through continents and underworlds, through hells and heavens between.

I will find out why.
---
A serious deconstruction of Traditional HiE stories.

Synopses 4:
“Once upon a time at the mountains of madness.”

He appeared in a split of a moment, a flash that set him upon this world, directionless, wounded, robbed of his own memories. The world saw him as an abomination, a monster whose actions bought ill to gryphon and ponies alike. But I saw the splendor of his actions. I watched him grow bit by bit in this world called Equestria, saw him more than a clever animal. I blessed and haunted him with my own will and he journeyed in lands unknown, an Odyssey at the search of home. I watched him as he looked at the heavens above and prayed if there was an answer to his existence. He gave himself through that wall of flesh that he will go as far as his legs will take him, and by all means I believe him. Maybe, unlike the frightened screams of those before him, he will grow long enough to suit my purpose.
---
A serious deconstruction of Traditional HiE stories.

Out of the 14 I wrote, these are the best I could come up with. If this doens't work, I will have to work some serious overtime to think and research about this. Oh, and not a Native English speaker.

With Regards
TheGreekDollmaker

So I could use a touch more advice on my synopsis.

At current, per your previous advice, I have:

"Cheerilee's flowers symbolize her students blooming, and the smiles are the cheer she brings. At least, that's what she tells everypony who asks."

I feel like it's missing something. I want to add in a key plot point of the story - the fact that Cheerilee's "special talent" was gardening, but that she chose to pursue teaching because it was her dream to be a teacher. (The point of the story is her being insecure about lying about the cutie mark, and finally realizing that a pony's passion is what is always more important).

The idea of going against a cutie mark is one I've seen discussed a lot, so I want to put something in the synopsis about it...i'm just a touch worried since it sort of gives away the "Swerve" at the end of chapter 1. Then again, there's really no other way to go about it...

I don't know, I feel like I want to give the reader of the synopsis the idea that the story has something to do with pursuing passion over your cutie mark, but without giving away too much. Any advice you could give me on the matter would be hugely appreciated.

Title: Bloodline
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria, a world that has not known violence like his in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this mad man no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

I've been thinking his gives away too much. Like it spells out the whole plot without making you curious. I'm resubmitting to EqD in a few days, so I'd love it if some kind person could help me with this. Thanks!

Title: Chronokeeper (subject to change)
I would go into the synopsis and tags of this story but, similar to the few prereaders I've had so far, I could not come up with an accurate answer for either of these
Some tags can be given, but nothing definite.
[sad] [friend-shipping] [slice of life?]
This is a very short answer, as to not make a huge post on the thread. I have a much better answer taking up about 3/4 of a page at the beginning of the fic. Please, at least read that before you ignore this
Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/12rd_R3sSa_r_EEQc0NplqIWTx5ID9wN2B18JDxk54Oo/edit
Google doc with commenting enabled

>>102326
Google doc without sharing enabled, though.

Sorry, fixed.

>>102326
You do realize this thread is only for reviewing a synopses, right? Your story won't be reivewed in here.

>>102384
Sorry, This is the first time I've actually posted. It's all a learning experience I suppose.

>>102388
No, it's not. If you had read the sticky, you would know the rules. If you had read the thread's OP you would know have noticed that it specifically states that this isn't a review thread for stories.
Right now, the only thing that's "learning" is me learning patience.
Le sigh.

>>101749
Referring to the article parallelism thing? In retrospect, I’m not entirely sure why I called that out. It’s not wrong, but it sets my grammar sense a-tingling. A monster, a storm, then the most unpredictable, the most dangerous—something about it bugs me. Feel free to disregard that bit of advice; it’s entirely possible my grammar sense hit a false positive.

>>101778
Referencing out-of-universe things like episode titles is generally a bad idea.

As far as I’m aware, Twilight and her friends aren’t ever referred to as “the Elements of Harmony” in-universe.

>the once-unshakable bond between the Elements of Harmony is beginning to crumble, weakened by a hundred little problems that nopony is quite sure how to deal with anymore.
I have something of a problem with this. The majority of the episodes focus on Twilight and her friends dealing with the little problems which arise in friendships. To claim that they’ve let all that ill-will build up strikes me as contrary to the nature of the show.

>I invite you
Addressing the reader directly is always a risky proposition. Strongly consider removing this aspect of your synopsis.

>wonderous
wondrous

>through tales of the past and present, through a briar patch of mystery and intrigue, and deep into the dark heart of a century-spanning riddle that was never meant to be solved
Vagueness. I’ve given my arguments against vagueness before, and they still apply.

>...
An ellipsis. I’ve given my arguments against uncommon punctuation before, and they still apply.

>>101953
I feel it’s better to give away a little too much than to be too mysterious. The two-sentence synopsis you have is pretty scant right now—I think you could do with more detail. What events prompt Cheerilee’s introspection? Why now? That sort of thing. Anchor her introspection in the outside world.

>>102006
Don’t worry about giving away too much. In my opinion, it’s much better to give away too much than to be too mysterious. Mysterious can work, on a few rare occasions, but I think it’s better to let your reader know what they’re in for.

(This is, of course, my opinion. There are many people who would disagree with me.)

(Those people are wrong.)

(At least in my opinion.)

Anyway. My thoughts and criticisms:
>a psychopath
I think I recall from the Ask a Pre-Reader thread that this used to be “a serial killer,” and you changed it to avoid auto-rejection? Hrmm. I definitely prefer “a serial killer,” because it’s more accurate; psychopathy is just a loosely-defined personality disorder. Since fics aren’t going through Seth anymore, you might be able to get away with it. Although “a serial killer” also implies a certain level of gore, which you may not want to do. Hrmm.

>finds his was
finds his way
>mad man
madman

>The Mane Six
This is purely a fandom term. As such, I discourage its use in non-meta stories.

>But not everything is as it seems...
Googling “But not everything is as it seems” gives me 2.38 million hits. That’s enough for every man, woman, and child in Houston. It’s very, very, very clichéd. Also, you end with an ellipsis, and you can do better than that.

Overall, I think this synopsis works quite well. It establishes a clever premise which avoids the clichés of HiE, it names your main characters, and it establishes a conflict and its stakes.

>>101891
I’m a little uncomfortable doing several reviews of the same thing—I feel it dulls my responses as I become over-familiar with the work. Too used to its strengths, too inured to its flaws. For the moment, I’m going to leave this for someone else to take.

>>102476
>finds his was
>was

Gosh-dammit! See this is what happens when you read something TOO much! I sent it like that to EqD yesterday. Speaks loads for my chances...

Anywho, thanks for the feedback! The finished product is this:

Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria, a world that has not known violence like his in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this deranged killer no matter what the cost. As the blood begins to spill, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

I kept "psychopath, as to avoid the dreaded auto-reject. Put "killer" in as a compromise.

Think I'll throw mine in here and see what's up

Friendship's Touch
[Adventure][Dark]
The day after the Lunar Festival, two ponies from Celestia and Luna's past appear in Ponville with a warning shortly before fire begins to rain down from the sky. While the citizens of Equestria repair the damage to their cities; the girls along with the newly discovered Elements of Life must set out with the strangers to face an enemy the royal sisters and their two friends thought long defeated. While the sisters themselves act as decoys to protect their subjects from further attacks.

I've got this fic on the backburner at the moment (it'll be my summer project), but I'd really appreciate any thoughts on how effective this synopsis is/etc. Thank you in advance to any reviewer.

Title: Glitched
Tags: [SciFi][Dark]
Synopsis: When Twilight becomes trapped in a time loop on the week of her brother's wedding, she makes up her mind to escape, stop the Changelings, and save the Royal Couple in the process. But this is no ordinary Groundhog Day, and as the Loops go on, her mind and those of her friends will be driven to the brink. After all, when you’re whirling through eternity, one more step might be all that’s needed to fall into the darkness—forever.

I'm getting a bit complacent (waiting for my own synopsis to be reviewed), so I figure I'll lend a hand on a few queue'd synopses to move things along.

I'm being totally altruistic. I swear.

>>101953

Here's your original:
>"Cheerilee's flowers symbolize her students blooming, and the smiles are the cheer she brings. At least, that's what she tells everypony who asks."

I would suggest adding something to put more emphasis on the general theme in the story. For example:

>"A Cutie Mark is meant to represent the personality and special talent of each pony that has one. Cheerilee's flowers symbolize her students blooming, and their smiles are the cheer she brings. At least, that's what she tells everypony who asks."

I think it should be fine like that. You don't need to put more emphasis on the actual conflict Cheerilee's mark being a "lie", but the first sentence gives us an introduction that wasn't previously there. I also made a small change ("the" -> "their") to what I deemed to be a bit of awkward wording. Otherwise, this looks fine!