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No. 116685
Memories of Chaos
Some minor grammar issues near the beginning... sentence fragment, tense error... A LOT of people use "thine" when they should be using "thy." There are a few other problems with the antiquated speech. It's not that easy to do correctly and well. Okay, an interesting concept of how Nightmare Moon came to be, but I have very mixed reactions about what Discord is doing. He clearly thinks he's doing something good, but perhaps not that it's a completely self-serving good, which would actually fit his character. However, I'd hope that he'd at least consider how it affects Luna. She surely wouldn't enjoy banishment, and if she suspected he'd been behind it, I doubt she'd be forgiving. He's actively making her life miserable, which wouldn't seem to be something he'd want to do to someone he cares about. It may not make sense to him, but he'd at least acknowledge the fact. He at least understands some of the fundamentals personally, like when he comments about her eyes. It does read more like a scene than a story, since there's not a conflict that's built up and resolved. I saw Pav Feira's comment on FiMFic. He brings up a good point about how Discord was very dismissive of the princesses when he escaped, instead of being vengeful. Once you get a chance to expand the story later, it might be interesting to explore that change of attitude. It's unclear what Discord has in the crown. Is it actually Luna's tiara? Surely she'd notice it was missing, so I assume it's some sort of representation in his mind, but it could use some explanation. Pretty good basis for a story here. Good enough writing, with some mechanical problems. Interesting origin story, but just watch Discord's logic. It doesn't have to make sense, of course, but the reader needs to be able to understand how it makes sense to him. Good job of presenting Discord's viewpoint. Which art did this use?
Bittersweet Music
He took a monocle out... twice? Its/it's confusion... Aaaaaa! A few missing words and odd word choices. You've got Fancy Pants's mannerisms well done. Missing a number of closing quotation marks for some reason. Was... was that a "Princess Bride" reference? Sisters can't have different coat colors? Like Luna and Celestia? CMC scene was very cute, and normally I get easily lost in things like this, but it does occur to me that it went on a long time to make a fairly minor point, relative to the rest of the story. If the whole thing had this level of detail, it would be fine, but it seems to draw a lot of focus for little effect. And while we come to be quite sympathetic to Fancy Pants, we're then led to believe that what help he gave Spike was just a fringe benefit to whatever whim he had. Fleur de Lis had some pretty extreme mood swings, and if we're to give any credence to a few seconds' worth of canon appearance, she's more demurring than that. The dialogue in this story is excellent, and the Mane 6 are very much in character. I don't feel quite the same way about Spike, though. He speaks much more informally, and seems sullen and standoffish, even to the point that I somewhat disliked him. I'd also like to see the dialogue and actions supplemented with finer details of body language and facial expressions. You actually did a good job of keeping Fancy Pants interesting. It's fun to come up with dialogue for him, but it's easy to use it all early and have nothing left for the rest of the story. You definitely have a knack for keeping that going. It was funny to see what was actually going on with Applejack in contrast to Spike's perspective on it, but it felt weird. It might have been better to cut it (and find some other way to explain her expression that Spike saw) or add more such scenes from a few others' viewpoints. Still, a solid work that flowed well and should get one of the top spots.
The End of the Season
Granny Smith fic. Interesting choice. Accent's a tad thick in this one, too. I can't say I understand why some of the early dialogue was in italics. Oh, I guess they're lines recalled from an earlier conversation? It's a bit too hard to figure that out, and then I had to reread it to get the impact. I rather liked this one. There are a couple of minor quibbles I had, but not worth opening a can of worms about in a short review. The accent did get hard to read at times, and there were a few mechanical mistakes. I liked seeing this side of Granny and her visitor, but the visitor almost came across with a bit of a creepy, predatory feel at times. I'd also like to see you address when the visitor might have had occasion to encounter Granny during the couple of canon instances she was in town. I'm having a tough time deciding whether this one feels more like a story or scene to me. I'm leaning a little toward scene, but for the most part it had a touching quality to it. The dialogue got "talking heads" in places, and it could use more of the body language and facial expression ornamentation to make it shine. Good job.
Looks like a good contest this time around. There aren't any of the 13 finalists I'd rate as bad, unlike a few questionable ones that have managed to sneak into previous contests. It's really too bad we haven't gotten as much attention with this write-off, as the quality is there.
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