Alright! TIME FOR THE FINAL RESULTS! *slams his fist into the rather large computer in the corner* Hm. Let’s see here. Between 1 and 100, 1 being very good, 17 being crappy person, 42 being amazingly awesome, and 100 being potato, it says that I’m… 26C. I have no idea…
ANYWAY! ON TO YOUR REVIEW!
Plot & Storytelling Okay! Right off the bat, it seems that you have a rather large misconception of the difference between showing, telling, and exposition. Let me give you my advice: SNAP OUT OF IT! Someone has led you down the wrong path, so now here’s a new one, with bright… fresh… asphalt.
Now, I’m sure you know exactly what Show, Don’t Tell means. However, there is a fine line keeping the balance between the two. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s bad to tell too much and it’s bad to show too much. There has to be a balance. That’s where exposition comes in. Exposition is like that one friend everybody has that hangs around you for some reason that you obviously forgot and drills you with facts about his day and his own… unique observations of yours.
In storytelling, this stuff is known as ‘background exposition.’ That is, when you elaborate, but not fully tell outright, how a characters day had been up to that point, or filling the reader in on a fact about the world as it’s important AT THAT MOMENT. I. E. A guy is reading the newspaper and you take maybe one or two sentences to talk about the politics of the time and the character’s reactions to them.
Now, ‘character exposition’ is a lot different. Character exposition comes into play when you try to demonstrate a feeling that a character has, without telling the reader exactly what it is. Now, showing can accomplish this very well by giving you character action and letting the reader interpret that action as either happy or sad. Character exposition is farther than that. It’s like… hm. I suck at explaining things. SO HERE’S AN EXAMPLE:
>Reports such as this one had been coming in every so often now as tension began rising between Prance and Northspire, two countries just north of the Equestrian border. Spike didn’t care much for politics, having grown up in a city brimming with it, but Twilight enjoyed reading such things out loud, if only to try and lecture him.
There! You get background exposition and character exposition in the SAME PARAGRAPH. That’s just an example on my part, so it may not be any good. However, just take my word for it: exposition is the way to go for any story.
Now, on to storytelling:
You have a horrible habit of said bookism. If you don’t know what that is, here’s a TVTropes link: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SaidBookism
LEARN IT! STUDY IT! LOVE IT!
TVTropes is all our friend, so ask him nicely and he’ll give you info on near anything related to storytelling.
Include some action! All I get is floating heads on a blank canvas talking about things that I have no care for. MAKE ME CARE! (sorry for yelling). Action is the gateway to emotion, because from what a character does, we can interpret how they’re feeling, etc.
Rest of the stuff is in the GDoc.
Grammar & Mechanics If I caught any grammatical mistakes, they’re in the comments.
Overall This piece needs A LOT of work (perhaps a rewrite of certain sections) in order for it to be ready for the prying eyes of the public. So get to it, author, and you’ll go places! WE GOT LOTS OF PLACES!
Welp, come back when you’ve worked on it a bit more. Take care of the things I mentioned in both the comments and what I discussed with you in the WIP chapter 1! :P