Oh, a shiny new review thread. Well, I'm feeling bored, so have a minific I wrote from a while back. Yes, it is very short, isn't it? That's why you write a collection of them, hehehehe.

Title: Magic
Author: Uma
Tags: In all likelihood, [Dark]
Synopsis: A dream can mean quite a lot, or at least, they're supposed to.
Word Count: 677
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xSnDYdJKO5Jc0bhjIRpuncugMIMgs29MmFZIB5U1Jac/edit

Feel free to focus just as much on your interpretation as anything else. Oh, and welcome.

>>112301

*Looks at that word count* ... am I in heaven? Rhetorical question. Now, ONWARDS!

>>112301

Really good show, mate! I have to say, that was par excellence---a real good dream scene. Now, on to the review!

Plot & Storytelling Just to sum things up here, there wasn't much of a story besides the dream. Of course, incluing upon waking up---the indication of a picnic---really cemented a sense of realism (boy, you never really hear THAT word in a fandom, now do you?)

Now to focus on what WAS there: the dream. It was rather interesting to see how it all played out, what with the sudden crying fits and whatnot. However, you added in some things that really didn't need to be there.

"Remember: when in doubt, simplification is your best friend!" ®

Grammar & Mechanics Not much grammatically wrong with this one, besides what I pointed out in the doc(even though most of it was just trimming the fat). Good job!

Overall I thought this was incredibly well done, and stunningly... odd, to say the least. BUT IN A GOOD WAY. Here are some things that need to be fixed, however: you need to streamline some of the action. I can recall at least one instance of Show, Don't Tell, so buckle down and get to fixin'!

Welp, that about wraps it up for this review! Thank you for that, I needed to stretch my proverbial brain muscles. Good work, and keep on writing!

>>112371

Well, that one was a doosie. And I don't mean that in a 'difficult' way. Come here, author. Sit down and pay close attention, because I gotta give you the bottom line.

Plot & Storytelling I honestly don't know what to say. I was shocked. From illogical perspective notions, to poor word choice and repetition, I really don't see any possible future where this will not need to be entirely rewritten. The story is basically a rehashed, poorly stitched together, Frankenstein monster of Return of Harmony, Part 2. Let me give you a few examples:

>Background info scenes

These were all incredibly telly, and at times had illogical perspective notions, such as Twilight knowing the feelings of her friends. This was written in a first person perspective, and as such Twilight (the perspective character) would have no idea what any other pony or even Discord felt or was during the time of action. She is not omniscient, and every single time that it occurred made me want to smash my head into a brick wall.

What you need to do is work on showing us. Instead of starting after five of the mane six were killed by Discord, start at the beginning of the battle scene. That way, the course of action depicted by the characters is smooth and flowing instead of a giant-wall-of-text infodump.

There was at least one paragraph where I identified it as exposition, but it was so poorly handled that I almost dismissed it as telling.

Anyway on to storytelling:

Your writing style certainly needs a lot of work, particularly with common perspective habits. If you want the reader to know the feelings of every character, then make it third omniscient. Albeit work a bit harder to execute it right. Expository sections, such as the one I pointed out above, could easily have been mistaken as outright telling. Things like “my cutie mark changed” is illogical based on the context of the action. Twilight is in a blind fury; there is no possible way that she would know such things.

You also need to work on building suspense. In between the giant walls of infodumps (of which I deduced you were trying to do a flashback sort of style that only works in movies and if the viewer already knows what happened), you were building up to a powerful attack. Instead you cave us another long paragraph and built it up from there. If you're going to build to something do it immediately after the suspense has been raised. If you raise it too much, it will fall flat. If you don't raise it enough, it will fall flat.

Grammar & Mechanics Line-by-line in the Gdoc. Let me make this clear here: it's okay to use pronouns. Pronouns are your second best friends: the kind of things you go to when you've asked your first best friend to help you waaaaaaaay too much. And in this case, your first best friend was names. My God, it seemed like you were getting high off of using Discord's name so much. It would work better for flow if you used pronouns.

Rest is in the doc.

Overall I'm sorry to say, but unless you pull a full rewrite, I don't see this fic getting off the ground anytime soon. You need to work on your storytelling techniques A LOT. After you've finished with your edits, come back and see me. I'll be happy to go over it once again.

I guess that's all. Man, am I winded.

Cheers!

-Figments

Damn. I forgot the header.>>112526

>>112526
...
...
...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

This stupid story is going to kill me! I get two other reviewers that tell me it would be better as first person, I get another that tells me no first person, my brains about to explode, and I don't have any duct tape to piece it back together!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

... okay, I'm cool now. Rebuttals.

>you were building up to a powerful attack.

I was actually building to the transformation due to twilight's rage.

>such as Twilight knowing the feelings of her friends.

... What? When was this a thing? The only time that was a thing was with Rainbow Dash and you can see fury on some ones face, it shows.

>Let me make this clear here: it's okay to use pronouns. Pronouns are your second best friends: the kind of things you go to when you've asked your first best friend to help you waaaaaaaay too much. And in this case, your first best friend was names. My God, it seemed like you were getting high off of using Discord's name so much. It would work better for flow if you used pronouns.

Acknowledged

Alright. I'll do what I can. *grumbles and goes to set his story on fire.*

Title: HAND
Author: XiF
Tags: Random, Comedy, Adventure
Word Count: 3925
Summary: Lyra Heartstrings, a pony with a little more than fanatical interest in humans, goes on a journey spanning across Equestria following a highly dubious clue. Also, Bon-Bon tags along.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nmAjyFFHU0yQz04AYXAAwIh-Lb8gSVHlGVloM6WbLJk/edit?pli=1

Also in both Golden Vision's and Umbra's threads, if that matters. :3

>>112530

Ah! There you are! Alrighty, then.

>building up to transformation

Yes, yes. And then you had her unleash a set of powerful attacks. That's what I was getting at. You could easily hint at the change in her appearance as you build up to her attacking, but don't build up to an appearance change. Build up to a course of action.

>Rainbow Dash rage face

While I can understand that, you need to make it clearer in the narration. To amplify what I mean, take Discord for instance. I spotted several parts where you blatantly said 'surprised' or something to that effect. That's emotion, something that, even with faces, a first person narration shouldn't detect.

Again, come back when you've rewritten. I'll be more than happy to give it another once-over.

>>112531

Ah! Another customer! I'll get to your review later today! For now, YARDWORK! AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

>>112535 Later today? Wow, that's quick! I look forward to hear from you! :D

Thank you for offering to review what I have of my story so far! :)

Working Title: The Equestrian Revolution (Also considering "Crossroads" and "57 Days")
Author: Rarity's Stallion
Tags: [Dark], [Adventure], [Light-Shipping]
Synopsis: 10 years in the future, the Mane 6 have each more or less moved on. But when simmering discontent with the monarchy boils over into a fast-spreading protest movement, they each find themselves on different sides of the conflict. They must now decide what is more important to them: Their newfound positions of importance and influence in Equestria, or their longstanding friendship with each other?

Original Chapter 1 (Word Count: 1321): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GDl-7P9d7PbdD-Zi7PW04HfrRZpBaBAQZobfPOFiUX4/edit

(NOTE: I am aware that Chapter 1 is extremely telly, which is why I'm linking as well to a version of the chapter that I am currently rewriting in order to remedy that. Multiple reviewers have told me that Chapter 2 is a major improvement, though. Let me know what you think!)

Chapter 2 (INCOMPLETE) (Word Count: ~2500): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PJmreik8iLRufhuGIrNjrNkGXW2klE7A4d2hBIbc5qA/edit


Chapter 1 REWRITE (Work In Progress): https://docs.google.com/document/d/161NIucTOYGiuyg-Z5wUcCT0TDs_E-wbY1eHjwSBzmbY/edit

Sorry about the utter mess this post is. Again, please let me know what you think! xD

Thank you for offering to review what I have of my story so far! :)

Working Title: The Equestrian Revolution (Also considering "Crossroads" and "57 Days")
Author: Rarity's Stallion
Tags: [Dark], [Adventure], [Light-Shipping]
Synopsis: 10 years in the future, the Mane 6 have each more or less moved on. But when simmering discontent with the monarchy boils over into a fast-spreading protest movement, they each find themselves on different sides of the conflict. They must now decide what is more important to them: Their newfound positions of importance and influence in Equestria, or their longstanding friendship with each other?

Original Chapter 1 (Word Count: 1321): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GDl-7P9d7PbdD-Zi7PW04HfrRZpBaBAQZobfPOFiUX4/edit

(NOTE: I am aware that Chapter 1 is extremely telly, which is why I'm linking as well to a version of the chapter that I am currently rewriting in order to remedy that. Multiple reviewers have told me that Chapter 2 is a major improvement, though. Let me know what you think!)

Chapter 2 (INCOMPLETE) (Word Count: ~2500): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PJmreik8iLRufhuGIrNjrNkGXW2klE7A4d2hBIbc5qA/edit


Chapter 1 REWRITE (Work In Progress): https://docs.google.com/document/d/161NIucTOYGiuyg-Z5wUcCT0TDs_E-wbY1eHjwSBzmbY/edit

Sorry about the utter mess this post is. Again, please let me know what you think! xD

>>112568

Oops! You seem to have double-posted!

Don't worry. If it's in my queue, I'll get to it! :)

>>112531

Okay! Sorry about the long wait, but real life sure is a pain in the neck. BUT INVIGORATING! Now, ONWARDS!

Plot & Storytelling From what I can gather... wait, what did I gather? Other than the fact that Lyra broke something and Bon Bon's pissed, I have no idea what was going on at all. You never bothered to explain much, and when you did it wasn't really compelling to be important to the reader. In essence, I didn't really care all that much. Here are some things you need to work out:

>Lack of proper exposition

Right from the get-go, Lyra broke something, as evidenced by a pile of electronic scrap on the floor. But you never bothered to tell us what it was beyond a name (which was incredibly weird) and that she was looking for a Silicone Chip of a HiTeck company. Firstly, I could NOT follow the story AT ALL, and that's a very bad thing.

You need to take some time and flesh out the background, give us a picture of where we are. Spend a paragraphs discussing what Lyra sees around her (but make it important as to WHY she's doing that).
Next, we need some background: what was the machine for? Why does she need one? Why did Lyra forget it in the first place? <---------------Questions like those right at the beginning without any clear answer can't exist. They must be given answers, not later, but now.

>Narrating thoughts

You can't do that all the time. While passive thoughts are preferred in some locations, and even considered, in some respects, to be character exposition, you still need direct thoughts. Passive thoughts all the time ain't gonna cut it.

There were also thoughts that weren't italicized, which Golden_Vision has pointed out.

Grammar & Mechanics What I found is in the Gdocs, but Golden_Vision collaborated with me on them due to the circumstance of us both being there at the same time. So, thanks GV!

Overall You need to rewrite a bunch of sections in here. Along the way, add in expository sections to really bring the piece to life. Add in character action between dialogue as well. It can be really helpful to a reader. All in all, it just needs a lot of work. Especially since Lyra is best pony.

Welp, sorry about the long wait, mate! Just brush up on the things in the doc, and revise what needs to be revised (pretty much all of it) and you'll be good to go! Hell, resubmit it once you think it's ready; I'd love to look over it again!

Cheers!

-Figments

I got one for you if your not to busy. So far I've gotten good reviews from people who have seen my previous work and I'm striving to run it past others so I can judge if I've grown as a writer. So your judgment would be nice.

Title: What's In A Name.

Tags: (Not really sure what to put here) Normal

Synopsis: Sometimes a name can be more than just a name. It's a concept that Twilight has been thinking on, and she's come to some interesting conclusions.

Word Count: 1597

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Yl32wlKLHQ-YIRPwq9oCI30T33XQTu7eb77IyP3U1Q8/edit

Notes: My main goal with this was a kind of a thinking piece. I basically made a story out of my ponderings on the mane six's names.

This is also in the Training Grounds.

Happy reading?

>>112940

*cracks fingers * Aw, well. Better get to reviewin' this week! :)

I'll hit up yours as soon as I finish working with Raritys_Stallion, over here.

Ghostwriter: Be prepared for the most destructive (I HOPE SO) review EVAR!!!!!!!!

>>112876
Thanks so much for looking over it! :3

Apologies for the lateness of reviewing, but the stuffs I had to do this week are all finished! HOORAY!

So, while I have a queue, I guess I can do this thing:

>>112568
I'm currently underway with your review. Be finished with it some time tomorrow! Also, because you have a rewritten chapter one, I'm going to take a look at that instead of the other one.

>>112940
Ghostwriter, you're next! :P

>>113326
No prob! Come back anytime!

So, I'll be off for the night. See ya all later!

>>112568

Alright! TIME FOR THE FINAL RESULTS! *slams his fist into the rather large computer in the corner* Hm. Let’s see here. Between 1 and 100, 1 being very good, 17 being crappy person, 42 being amazingly awesome, and 100 being potato, it says that I’m… 26C. I have no idea…

ANYWAY! ON TO YOUR REVIEW!

Plot & Storytelling Okay! Right off the bat, it seems that you have a rather large misconception of the difference between showing, telling, and exposition. Let me give you my advice: SNAP OUT OF IT! Someone has led you down the wrong path, so now here’s a new one, with bright… fresh… asphalt.

ANYWAY!

Now, I’m sure you know exactly what Show, Don’t Tell means. However, there is a fine line keeping the balance between the two. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s bad to tell too much and it’s bad to show too much. There has to be a balance. That’s where exposition comes in. Exposition is like that one friend everybody has that hangs around you for some reason that you obviously forgot and drills you with facts about his day and his own… unique observations of yours.

In storytelling, this stuff is known as ‘background exposition.’ That is, when you elaborate, but not fully tell outright, how a characters day had been up to that point, or filling the reader in on a fact about the world as it’s important AT THAT MOMENT. I. E. A guy is reading the newspaper and you take maybe one or two sentences to talk about the politics of the time and the character’s reactions to them.

Now, ‘character exposition’ is a lot different. Character exposition comes into play when you try to demonstrate a feeling that a character has, without telling the reader exactly what it is. Now, showing can accomplish this very well by giving you character action and letting the reader interpret that action as either happy or sad. Character exposition is farther than that. It’s like… hm. I suck at explaining things. SO HERE’S AN EXAMPLE:

>Reports such as this one had been coming in every so often now as tension began rising between Prance and Northspire, two countries just north of the Equestrian border. Spike didn’t care much for politics, having grown up in a city brimming with it, but Twilight enjoyed reading such things out loud, if only to try and lecture him.

There! You get background exposition and character exposition in the SAME PARAGRAPH. That’s just an example on my part, so it may not be any good. However, just take my word for it: exposition is the way to go for any story.

Now, on to storytelling:

You have a horrible habit of said bookism. If you don’t know what that is, here’s a TVTropes link: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SaidBookism

LEARN IT! STUDY IT! LOVE IT!

TVTropes is all our friend, so ask him nicely and he’ll give you info on near anything related to storytelling.

ANYWAY~!

Include some action! All I get is floating heads on a blank canvas talking about things that I have no care for. MAKE ME CARE! (sorry for yelling). Action is the gateway to emotion, because from what a character does, we can interpret how they’re feeling, etc.

Rest of the stuff is in the GDoc.

Grammar & Mechanics If I caught any grammatical mistakes, they’re in the comments.

Overall This piece needs A LOT of work (perhaps a rewrite of certain sections) in order for it to be ready for the prying eyes of the public. So get to it, author, and you’ll go places! WE GOT LOTS OF PLACES!

Welp, come back when you’ve worked on it a bit more. Take care of the things I mentioned in both the comments and what I discussed with you in the WIP chapter 1! :P

Cheers!

-Figments

Hello Figments!

I have a pair of stories that I'd like some feedback on; to avoid slamming you with walls of text, I'll submit them separately. First, I offer up "From the Mouths of Fillies:

[Title] From the Mouths of Fillies
[Author] Comma-Kazie
[Tags] Sad
[Characters] Dinky Doo, Ditzy Doo, Rainbow Dash
[Word Count] 3218 words
[Synopsis] Not everything is as it seems when Dinky visits her mother in the hospital.
[Link] https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c-EbYZHvtDFo8CfWLDunSplPB1LqM1G5YcgCW9iIv2A/edit

...and here's the other story I had for you, "What's in a Name." This is designed as a prequel to "From the Mouths of Fillies" and will have several chapters, so if it's not too much trouble I'll come back to you with more as I write them.

[Title] What's in a Name, Month One - or, Unexpected Arrivals
[Author] Comma-Kazie and Chengar Qordath
[Tags] Normal, Slice-of-Life
[Characters] Ditzy Doo, Rainbow Dash, Cloud Kicker, others (including OCs)
[Word Count] 6523
[Synopsis]Ditzy Doo is the daughter of a prominent family in Canterlot. So why has she shown up at Rainbow Dash’s doorstep, years after they last saw each other? Rainbow is willing to go to out of her way to help an old friend, but she may get more than she bargained for: being away from home isn’t the only thing Ditzy has to adjust to...
[Link] https://docs.google.com/document/d/19wjKKDb65BdK2f94fBYVl4kZEYo4BN1aejoFFSZOLn4/edit

>>113791

"If you request more than one review, you must make the fact that you have done so known to everyone you have requested a review from." - The Sticky

"Read the damn sticky and follow the rules, or I will smack you." - My Thread

You failed to inform either of us that you had requested multiple reviews. Follow the goddamn rules.

>>113791>>113793

GAH! MORE OF 'EM! *gulp* I asked for them, mate. Don't get me wrong.

I'LL GET TO WORK AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN!

(After Ghostwriter's stuff)

>>113797
Can I get an E.T.R?

>>113798

ETR: Some time yesterday in the distant future

>>113801
That makes perfect sense! Better not be late.

(Sorry if asking that was kinda jerkish, was just wondering.)

>>113797

All in good time, mate. Lesson learned, though: be careful what ya wish for.

Welp, since I hate seeing a good reviewer being emo, here's my submission!

Title: Under A Luminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark
Synopsis: Equestria is a land of peace. Violent crime is almost nonexistent. Ponyville in particular hasn't had a single case of equicide in all its years of existence. But nothing lasts forever.

A body is discovered in the Everfree Forest. Shortly thereafter, an enigmatic stallion arrives at the local library, dispatched by Celestia herself. Faced with an obstinate police force, Twilight and this strange new pony must put the pieces together and catch a killer. But not everything is as it seems...
Word count: Chapter Four- 4091, Chapter Five- 4805

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I8KdOv2Aw6qRpIXmLLrywLAg8YFDxIZ5sRw43_Q1rC4/edit

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oespO0m4npdcO5dj2czNFqpRZWYZSIoJ4g5TRp3Lv1c/edit

As you know, this is also in GV's queue.

Finally back from the racetracks! I WON... NOTHING!

HOORAY!

ANYWAY

>>113897

I'm fine with a chapter at a time. I'm here to help you, and if I can perform that in a manner most fitting for both you and me, then I have done my job well.

One chapter at a time for now, pls.

Title: Lone Black Train
Author: Bronius Maximus
Tags: Sad
Syn: Applejack takes a train to see her parents.
Word count: 2671
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/18WcsYN4oSofTX258XvxPLO1K03p4BtiItAQNitRZD9U/edit

Hm. Let's see...

>>112940
>>113791
>>113793
>>113840
>>113973

YAY! FIVE STORIES!

You guys made my day. So, in light of the circumstances (and considering the fact that MOST OF DEES STORIES ARE REALLY LONG), Imma be closing da queue.

OFFICAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

QUEUE IS CLOS-ED UNTIL I FINISH ALL DOES FICS

>>113995
Snuck mine in before queue closed!
Great success!

>>113995
Mr. Potato. The first of those chapters has been published already, so you can remove it from the queue. Please just look at the second one. Thanks!

Also, a friend of yours, I believe...

>>113793
Wait a tic... I just noticed this. Sigh... There is only one thing we can do...

WE SHALL MEET ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE AND FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR THE TITLE! I WILL BRING THE CHAIN GUNS!

Nah, it's all cool. Though now I feel I have to change mine...

>>114086

Derpy meets your challenge with a muffin launcher!

For what it's worth, I actually had a different title in mind before I got ninja'd myself. Such is life.

>>112940

Yo! Sorry about this, Ghostwriter, but I'm postponing your review until tomorrow.

>>112940

Welp, let's see here, author. I see that you've progressed (somewhat) from your previous stature. Indubitably.

...what am I saying? Dude, you're really starting to get there. I mean, this is slightly better than that other fic you submitted. But I still have some issues with it.

AND AWAAAAAY WE GO!

Plot & Storytelling I can tell that you've done your homework. You actually buckled down and created EXPOSITION! GOOD JOB!

YOU DESERVE MA COOKIE!

But, wait a minute... ah, that's right. You used too much exposition. TOO MUCH. In a ratio of narration
to action/dialogue/character doing stuffs, your exposition drowned down your character action. Twilight basically did NOTHING that I found really entertaining, and at times it felt as if YOU, the AUTHOR were the one thinking about the names. Not Twilight.

On another note, you made the paragraphs discussing each name HUGE. I felt like I was getting smacked in the face with humongous walls of TEXT. You need to go through and find the places most suitable for you to break them up, otherwise it gets tedious on the reader.

This might just be me and my blatantly obvious low intelligence, but I have no idea how 'jack' and 'journeymare' are related in any way.

On a final note, this piece was rather boring. It felt like a chore to read, and that's not good at all for something that's not HS Junior English reading requirements. Here's a serious suggestion: rewrite it like Twilight is going between all her friends and they're telling her stories about their names. Or something like that.

Make finding out what their names mean exciting!

Grammar & Mechanics What I did find is in the doc. Wasn't more than a few awkward sentences, but you should have someone with a more discerning eye go through it.

Overall You need to rewrite this. I'm being deadly serious. It's great that your style is improving, but sensibility is really lacking as to how to use it properly. It takes time and patience to hone your writing skills. You're getting there; don't you worry.

Welp, I'm off to do the next few fics. Keep at it, Ghostwriter. You're getting there. Not quite there yet, but you're coming along at a fine pace.

Come back anytime!

Cheers!

-Figments

>>113791

*walks back into the room, scanning the walls for the clock * Hm. 9:00, eh? When's that /fic/ write-off supposed to begin? Oh yeah, RIGHT NOW.

MUST.... GET.... REVIEWIN'....

Plot & Storytelling Wow, um. That was actually pretty good. I gotta hand it to you, author. You did a fine job. However, here's some of the things I found a tad off, but they may just be my personal irks.

>Fast-paced flow

Okay, I understand that you were writing it from the perspective of a little foal, but here's the thing: it went by too quickly. Now, the way you had Dinky narrate was also a tad weird. While I can understand that this is a first-person narrative, some things just need a third-person limited perspective. Like the 'grown-up talk' that was around. It seemed like you attempted to dodge important moments in that by, through the eyes of Dinky, calling them 'boring.'

I can assure you, I desperately wanted to know what they said. That one time you did elaborate doesn't cut it.

>Use of 'bigger words'

Considering the fact that this is from the perspective of a child whom I would assume doesn't know how to spell 'contagious' yet, this is a BIG problem. *coughs * Moving on...

This is mainly a problem because you denote so well that she doesn't know what 'aler-jeez' are, or how to say 'levitation.' You need to brush through that and fix it.

Grammar & Mechanics I didn't really find anything that stuck out to me. Still couldn't hurt to have a proofreader take a look. However, it seemed well-polished. Good job.

Overall This isn't bad; don't get me wrong. However, this isn't normally a story I would read, mainly because of the fact that first-person is a bit tricky for novice writers. Not saying that I'M not a novice, but *coughs * moving on...

I would consider rewriting it in third-limited, because it irritates me to no end that I never knew what RD and the nurse were talking about.


Anyway, sorry folks: due to the write-off, I won't be reviewin' anything until it's over. So, QUEUE'S STILL CLOS-ED

Cheers!

-Figments

>>114453

Hey Figment! Have a response.

The thing about Dinky's lack of interest in what's going on around her is that--well, she's not interested in what's going on around her. She wants to spend time with her mom and there's nothing more to it. I suppose I could expand a bit on some of the other conversations, but having her listen in and not really react would take the perspective from naive to dense--which is something I'd like to avoid.

Use of the word "contagious" when she struggles with other long words: ya have a point there, I'll go back and re-think that.

An early draft of this actually was in third-person limited, but it just didn't flow right--I couldn't keep the innocent perspective, and ultimately I felt that first person PoV better fit the idea that this was coming from the mouth of a filly--hence the title.

I really appreciate you taking the time to review this story, and I'll be coming back to you once the write-off is over. (Best of luck on that.)

Comma-Kazie

Sorry about the whole not-reviewin' thing yesterday. I was a bit busy.

Anyway, here's the queue as it stands:

>>113793
>>113840
>>113973

Wow; down to three fics already!

Anyway, I'm beginning the next one in a few moments.

AND AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY I go!

Well, in celebration of your queue dropping down to three, how about adding another?

Title: For The Craft
Author:[b/] Compendium of Steve
[b]Tags: Normal, Light-Dark
Synopsis: An artist does a lot to maintain their ability. Practice, dedication, and an ongoing appreciation all go into the upkeep and advancement of their respective crafts. In the case of Frederick Horseshoepin, it takes something more.
Word Count: 5608
GDoc Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XIoS9E8fnRbQNXDEqruAyaYh5bOS2CkWLQxmpEzc0ig/edit

Just trying my hand at a genre different from what I'm used to. Did a preliminary edit so it shouldn't look too shabby.

>>114776
Dag-blast-it!

Okay, dude, bro, homey, brah. BOTH of the chapters that I originally dropped have been published. I'm so sorry. I'm not knocking your review speed, you got crap to do, I get it.

SO, O Humble Potato, could you please review THIS one:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X8Mg0TCtDsskSgOkniqx2FMaFCWzZg5AcmSrVHJku-A/edit

NO ONE has looked at this, and it shouldn't be published until next week, so you have time to tear it apart.

Again, I'm sorry I keep being complicated. :)

>>113793

Can I get a gold star for reviewer interactivity? No? Well, that sucks.

ANYWAY

Nice of you to drop by the doc, Comma. ON TO YOUR REVIEW!!!!!

Plot & Storytelling I was really uncomfortable going through this fic. Mainly because of your writing style, which is something I don't come across too often. You love to poke fun at the characters, or over-exaggerate a trait of theirs through the narration, and it came off as weird to me. That may just be a stylistic nitpick, and it most likely is. However, it is still something to consider.

You had great background exposition, bordering on telling us everything, though, which is a bad thing. However, what you severly lacked was scene description. You need to give us what the places in your scenes look like, along with how the characters react to and interact with them. Not just “here table, there door, over there stairs.”

Also, your piece lacked a significant amount of body language. You used other words in place of actual action to convey character intention and feeling. That's not good. We need to see how they act, not what they think. Well, thoughts are good, too, but that's besides the point.

Flow was a bit off at times, but that's nothing that can't be fixed by going through and beefing it up.

Here's where I had the biggest problem: perspective. Man, it felt like I was on acid. Either that or I was some deranged alien from the planet Zeorrew (Don't ask). The majority of it was in limited (omni) and then it switched to omni (limited) like 3 paragraphs in. You really need to go through and fix that. Either give us one character's perspective, or be omni. Keep yourself in one perspective.

Grammar & Mechanics Nothing too serious besides a few missing commas here and there, replacing some periods with semicolons, and so on and so forth. As usual, comments in the doc.

Overall This story has some potential, albeit needs a lot of work before being any where's near ready for EQD. Get to work, author. Bring it back once you're done, if you want. I want to see some progress.

Welp, another review, another day, another... crap. I forgot the rest. Anyway, here's the queue:
>>115024
>>113973
>>115008

Cheers!

-Figments

>>115109
GAH

MISSING TITLE

Hey again Figment!

I just wanted to say thanks again for your insight on WiaN Chapter 1. You've been a major help with the 'show-vs-tell' issue that I seem to be struggling with, and in spite of all my whining from the gdocs chat I really do appreciate you taking the time to help my polish this.

-Comma-Kazie

>>115024

Okay, author. Someone stole my bubblegum, and you were the only one in the room when it was taken.

Don't lie to me! I can see you chewing it right now!

Crackers? Why the hell would you be eating crackers? I don't even remember HAVING crackers!

There! Right there! When you spoke, I saw it jostling around!

Plot & Storytelling All right, Jake. It's been a while since I've seen this story. Don't know why I haven't checked up on it on FiMFic, but, oh well.

ANYWAY

Your writing style seems to have gotten BETTER since last I saw. It looks practiced, paced, and well formulated. There are some areas, however, where you need to work on SDT and scene description, as at times it felt like talking heads on a blank canvas.

I'm not saying you should just randomly insert “The house was green. The field was black.” No. That ruins flow. Scenes should be described as a character interacts with them. Your characters interact with each other, even using body language. That's great. But it's just the characters. We need to see what the character's see, what their thoughts are of their environment.

Perspectives became weird at times, and as I described to you in the doc, they're like bad camera angles in a movie. You need to find the angles which are the most beneficial in conveying your message, not switching to another when it's convenient.

Grammar & Mechanics[b] I didn't catch much. It was pretty polished (I use the term with great fear) from what I saw, but having a proofreader look at it would serve it well.

[b]Overall I quite like this story. It's got a great balance of suspense and intimate character relations (hehehe...). However, take Bentgrass for example: there were times when he should have stood up for himself, and other times he did when it didn't feel right. You need to work on that.

I might go check up on this fic later. It's really interesting, so keep up the good work!

Queue:
>>113973
>>115008

Cheers!

-Figments

>>115246
*swallows gum*
I have no idea what you're talking about..

*liarjack*

Anywho, thanks for the help, dude! I get the whole "blank canvas" thing. Sometimes I can't see where to put in scenery without it seeming like I'm wandering away from the story, especially in dialogue.

One question I had: what did you think about my reasoning for Dash quitting the Wonderbolts? See, I've talked to a few people who did that, achieved their childhood dream, only to find it wasn't what they thought it was. Or, in Dash's case, they found they had at some point grown out of it. Remember, this takes place a few years in the future, so I wanted to see Dash as a little older, a little wiser. Like she now knows what is REALLY important. Did it seem plausible to you?

>>115251

Hm. Interesting question.

The way I see it, you have two things going for you: the fact that it's set a few years ahead of schedule, and character maturity.

However, there's one thing stopping you: execution. The way I see it, Dash having left the Wonderbolts puts her at around age 30 or so (headcanon for me says 26 is when she joins). In this case, her making a mature decision isn't totally out of nowhere, because it comes with age.

TL:DR: It's plausible, but needs to be straightened up a bit.

>>113973

*holds up a fist in righteous anger * She died so young, *weep * *weep * *weep *. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS, AUTHOR?

Plot & Storytelling Normally, I have to chew out authors who write in first-person. I consider it to be one of the tougher perspectives, especially given that you're forced to write as if it was someone else writing.

However, this is not the case. You showed that you've been practicing on it, and the crisp narration just makes me coo with excitement. Great job!

However, I still have some gripes:

You used a few words that I don't believe Applejack would ever say. Such words include 'deficiencies' and 'ashamed.' While I know people use them a lot, Applejack tends to simplify sentences to get her point across more clearly. Go through with the mindset of 'what would AJ say in-show?' It'll help you figure out which words need simplification.

“Remember: Simplification is you best friend!” (TM)

Another thing that pissed me off was that you never told us how she died. You need to allude to it, not jump into it headfirst and expect none to question.

Grammar & Mechanics All comments in the Gdoc. But I will say something here: it seemed polished, having gone through what seems like multiple reviews until it was clean. Good job.

Overall I think this needs to be expanded a bit more. It doesn't need to be rewritten in anyway, don't get me wrong. Just a few touch-ups here and there plus expanding on what happened should make this great!

Welp, that was the quickest review I've ever done. 30 minutes! YAHOO! (No, I don't use that stupid search engine). (TM)

Keep at it writer.

Queue:
>>115008

Cheers!

-Figments

>>115460
I... think that was already posted in EqD.

>>115461

Really? *goes to check Equestria Daily* I don't see it. Meh, whatever. Even fics that get posted there still need patching up.

>>112293
Title: Another Day For the Whooves (Chapter 9)
Author: Me
Tags: Comedy/Timey-Wimey/Crossover/Slice of Life
Synopsis: Wake up, clean the TARDIS, have some tea, get chased by Daleks, have more tea, lose the Vortex, make muffins, find the Vortex, eat muffins and tea, blow up the planet. It's just another day for the Whooves family!
...Oh, and Carrot Top has NO idea what's going on. Just saying.
Word Count: ~11k
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dvHRMooWD1Q65iq0Z_POpYjKYMtbKB-a9giKLoSVGhE/edit

Thanks again for looking at this, Figment!

>>115467
Sorry to barge in, but as a pre-reader, I'll agree with this statement wholeheartedly. I wish I had as much freedom in a pre-reading position to request edits as I did as a /fic/ reviewer.

Anywho, I'll let you get back to reviewing, Figments.

Pray tell, is your queue back open?

>>115485

YOU ARE CORRECT! As a reward for your astute observation:

HERE'S A COOKIE!

>>115492
Oh, don't make me blush. It was nothing really. Just a simple matter of noting that you were taking new story submissions just recently. I'm sure any person with exceedingly high observational skills could have made the same deduction. Well, perhaps not anyone. I am quite the detective. *takes cookie suavely*

Now, moving beyond my amazing skills, I have this written... thing here that I'd like you to review, should you so choose to take it:

Title: Where Evil Knows Your Name
Author: Coconutswallow
Tags: [Comedy] [Slice of Life]
Synopsis: Every night the villains of Equestria, despite their defeat, still get together to share drinks and socialize at their own bar. After all, where else is drama, mockery, and disagreement the order of the night?
Word Count: 7,015
Google Documents Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/18kC5p14Fsf7W6t-Rm0aGrxrzo7JZQ1Fw_NO7AHYlRBY/edit

I should point out that this is also in Ryonne's queue, however he/she seems to have become quite busy of late.

I may have goofed on my submission. You said no mare than 10,000 words per chapter and I sent you 4 chapters of about 2,600 words a piece. Your other submissions have exact word counts where as mine only says, "4 chapters." The total of those chapters is more than 10,000 words.

If you want, I can resend my submission with one less chapter and/or combine chapters into one googledocs link.

>>115662

Damn... you found out the secret!

Yes, it says only 7K PER CHAPTER. Keep in mind, though, that with multi-chapter submissions, I will divide the review into parts so that I can get to other fics.

Title: Hearths Warming Equestria
Author: PonyCordero
Tags: Adventure, Dark (slightly)
Synopsis: Mane six are sent back in time to the beginning of Equestria.
Word Count: 4 chapter each about 2,700 words long. I can subtract a chapter if need be.

Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-rD-fk0GUVYJbIfIk_No5DfNUwIZ1s7duehHCbS3eZU/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Co4t1E-QygLC0rQAhPV7VOh1djkyYR7rP-H7lXrxSCU/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1svSAfLFlvtBnaqWtbYp2epn33E34Qb66ywBsagNkG8Q/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tYfugQVrpfbS1g46KoRQvDz4AllCSHqO2z5_i7TUZRc/edit

EqD said I had significant grammar issues. Feel free to elaborate. This had been proof read many times by myself and others. I for one cannot find the "Glaring issues."

Title: Hearths Warming Equestria
Author: PonyCordero
Tags: Adventure, Dark (slightly)
Synopsis: Mane six are sent back in time to the beginning of Equestria.
Word Count: 4 chapter each about 2,700 words long. I can subtract a chapter if need be.

Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-rD-fk0GUVYJbIfIk_No5DfNUwIZ1s7duehHCbS3eZU/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Co4t1E-QygLC0rQAhPV7VOh1djkyYR7rP-H7lXrxSCU/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1svSAfLFlvtBnaqWtbYp2epn33E34Qb66ywBsagNkG8Q/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tYfugQVrpfbS1g46KoRQvDz4AllCSHqO2z5_i7TUZRc/edit

EqD said I had significant grammar issues. Feel free to elaborate. This had been proof read many times by myself and others. I for one cannot find the "Glaring issues."

>>115663
That's fair. I'm patient.

>>115008

*click * *click * *click * Oh, huh … what? Oh, right. Damn my memory. Curse sleep, it drives me to insomnia. ON TO THE REVIEW!

Plot & Storytelling Hm. What to say, what to say. Ah, yes. Author: you need to have a better hook. I'm sorry to say, but reading through your story felt more like a chore than something enjoyable. Stories that are chores to read should be reserved for AP Junior English, not fanfiction. Here are my reasons:

>slow pace

While some of the best stories start out slow, in relation to your synopsis, this should not be the case. It should start off fast, and then give the reader time to wind down by having a slow section.

>confusing structure

Next is the confusing way you went about telling the story. First scene: present, at what I can only assume is an orchestral practice room (that's another thing, lack of scene description). Next scene: rewind to Frederick's (another thing: non-pony name) past.

Another reviewer was in there with me, and we discussed at length this exact thing. Now, he quite enjoyed the story the way it was structured, as he said he likes non-linear storytelling, where one thing can relate directly to another thing that has happened or is happening, et cetera, et cetera. He found it to be entertaining, but as I thought it was dragged on a bit, that's just me as a reader.

Now, to the meat of it: you have a bad habit of switching between third limited and third omniscient. Stop that; you're better than it. You also have a way of getting something across over multiple sentences when it only needs to be contained into one. Go through and streamline the things that stick out to you.

Remember: Simplification is your best friend! (TM)

Grammar & Mechanics It seemed pretty polished to me. Of course, I always do recommend going to a proofreader for in-depth grammatical analysis. All comments in the doc.

Overall The piece got a helluva lot better towards the end, as the action quickly turned up a few scale degrees. I really enjoyed that part, because it was exciting. Your overall style seems polished, but the lack of a good introductory hook makes me want a bit more from it and disappointed that there isn't any more for it to give. I want to see this story succeed, so hop to it!

Welp, on to the … holy …

>11K word count

Golden Vision: You got lucky, catching me in a good mood. I'll (begrudgingly) happily go through it.

Queue:
>>115469
>>115497
>>115665

Cheers!

-Figments

>>115802

GAH! MISSING TITLE!

>>115802

Well, at least you liked the latter part. This story was an attempt at horror, and I thought I'd take the slow approach where it seems like nothing's gonna happen then BAM! bad stuff goes down. I also happen to love wordiness. Guess that works against me, eh? Blegh, how to make it more engaging though: shorten it, through in an additional ominous opener, I dunno.

Anyway, thanks for the review nonetheless. I'll see about making the opening more engaging; as to how is beyond me at the moment.

Oh, one other thing: Frederick Horseshoepin is an established Background Pony character, who first appeared as the pianist pony in "Best Night Ever." Billy Colt wrote a fic about him, using that very name, and other fics I read starring him referred to him as such. I made the same mistake of thinking he was an OC too the first time I saw that name in a fic, so don't feel bad ;)

>>115467
Hey there! Thanks for posting the review, and I've added a few hints as to what caused her to take the train in the first place. You were actually the last to review, so you got the most polished version. I honestly didn't think it'd get approved as quickly as it did, or I would have held off until your thoughts came in.

Anyway, thanks again for reviewing, and I'll keep an eye out for your threads in the future!

>>115807

Horror is a good genre, but the slow approach isn't always the best way to handle it.

Take horror films, for instance. Most start out with a scene of the killer/demon/villain committing a heinous act and then slow down for about 15-30 minutes before the next strike.

And I did not know that about Frederick Horseshoepin. Hm. Oh well. Disregard that, I suppose.

The Lonesome Road - By Zirusianna.
[Sad] [Shipping]

After living many years together, Octavia dies of age. Vinyl is left alone to pick up the pieces and live her life without somepony by her side.

After some time, she takes a walk to the cemetery to talk to an old friend.

Roughly 4500 words. Completed.
I'm not good with Gdocs, but I think this should world :D
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vfmTZyXP_CsdaLmtzKKptmUiHDVkEhnyHjxgMJ3u7Hc/edit

I threw it at EqD and I got a message back saying I used too much tell and not a lot of show, and I had grammar issues. I tried to correct them, but I could use an experts opinion before sending it back again

>>115469

Comedy … comedy never changes. That is to say that comedy will always be subjective and therefore funny/not funny depending on the reader/viewer.

Leeeet's just get to what I say, all right?

Plot & Storytelling I've gotta say, you have the most stripped-down, barebones style I've seen. It's weird, actually. The good kind of weird.

You mention how the scene looks all at once in the simplest of terms, and then get it out of the way and focus on character action. That's great! …

Except there's one problem: at times, you end up doing 'he did, she did' over and over and over again that it just drags. You don't bother breaking up the monotony with exposition, and instead rely everything upon character action and dialogue to tell the story.

That's good. You have that much down. But after a while it becomes … repetitive. They're always constantly doing something, without any lull in the action.

I'm going to say this now: this was a third omniscient fic. If I'm wrong, then feel free to correct me. You have absolutely no indication of a perspective character, and it feels like a single overhead camera focusing in on dialogue and action.

Grammar & Mechanics Didn't see much, besides some extra words and like one typo. Nice job.

Overall Since this is a high-numbered chapter of a fic that I can only assume is written in entirely the same style, I can only say that these are indications of me nitpicking. Whether or not you listen to me doesn't matter. It's your choice to change it or not.


Welp, that took me a while to go through. I read it three times, just to make sure I got everything. Weird.

Queue:
>>115497
>>115664
>>116210

Cheers!

-Figments

>>116338
Hey Figments, and thanks again for looking at this.

>You mention how the scene looks all at once in the simplest of terms, and then get it out of the way and focus on character action.
...You might be interested to know that this isn't just my style; I literally don't know how to write in any other way. (Maybe I should read more?)

>They're always constantly doing something, without any lull in the action.
Bah. You're probably right. (See above)

> this was a third omniscient fic.
Yup. I chose the "camera" style because I really wanted to look at the whole family, chapter by chapter.

>It's your choice to change it or not.
Believe me; I'll certainly take a long, hard look at it when I do my next fic.

Thanks again!

>>115497


Sorry 'bout this, but some IRL stuff came up. I won't be able to view this story until the weekend.

>>116503
Not at all a problem. I have plenty of other things to occupy my time. Absolutely none of which will be huffing impatiently at this delay...

>>115497

Sorry about the wait, dude. A lot of things came up, and, well, I should've announced it. My bad. Anyway, on to your review.

Plot & Storytelling Okay, this story is riddled with tiny nuances that end up becoming major problems. Here's the first one: the lack of a true central conflict. While stories that rely heavily on character interaction to bring up conflict between them, this story fails to do so. It drags on for no reason, and is a real chore to read.

Moving on to characters, your prose has a tendency to slip into the dialogue. The only one who wasn't relatively affected by this was Nightmare Moon, due to her use of flowery wording. However, Chrysalis and Discord shouldn't sound British, which is basically what I thought the entire time I read through it.

Next up is scene description. Okay. I have a roofless bar, with a few tables. That's it. Um, I would like to think that a bit more would be nice. Hell, doing so in such a way that includes passive character thought would be even better.

Something along these lines: “Nightmare Moon glanced at the back wall. Several framed dioramas decorated it, being the only things that kept it from being a mundane white.”

^ That would be most helpful.

Grammar & Mechanics Awkward phrases, overused commas, and a few other things are highlighted in the G-Docs.

Overall This fic needs a lot of work before it's ready for anywhere. I strongly recommend a rewrite, keeping it within a third omni as it works for this piece. Just figure out a conflict instead of idle chatter and fix up awkward stuff.


Again, I apologize for the late review. It wasn't my intention to go on this long without one.

Cheers!

-Figments

>>117227

GAH! I still keep forgetting these things!

>>117227

Oh, the wait is quite all right. Life has that annoying tendency to happen. For a review this useful, I could have waited much longer.

I must say, this review was a life-saver. It's really quite frightening how okay I thought this story was prior to you pointing out its massive issues. Though now that you've exposed its weak points, I see that any reader with standards would have attacked them for massive damage.

So a rewrite? I can do that. *deep breath*

Can I take pride that my default OOCness is British? It might be totally out of character, but dang it, it's at least Britishly out of character!

A question, though. You wouldn't happen to have any tips on how I can better provide scene description? I was thinking about this and I realized that it's pretty much a hallmark of all my stories. I think of my characters in whitespace, more or less, and the problem is that I feel that almost all scene description that I write is wasted space that's bogging down the reader. I can't just go and describe the scene upfront without writing a wall of text and when I try to describe the scene through action, I find that I'm making the characters only do an action for the sole reason of describing the setting, and at that point I'm not advancing the action of the story, I'm just giving the appearance of advancing the story.

To use your example, I feel that I'm writing "and Nightmare Moon glanced around the bar so that the readers could know what it liked."

In other news, I think I might be crazy.

Also, would third-person omniscient "camera" like I'm doing still work or do you think more traditional third-omn, diving into the minds of each character, would work better?

>>117287

>You happen to have any tips on scene description?

I would like to think I do.

Here's how I usually handle scene description:

One would say that if it doesn't advance the plot in any way, then it's unneeded. In the case of character development, this is untrue. Good character development relies upon narrative as well as action and dialogue to build that specific character and make them rounded and realistic.

Now, here's my point with this. To address two questions you raised, third limited is a great way to use character exposition, especially since you're focusing on one character and their interactions with other characters, which, in turn, define the other characters. However, for this type of story, third omni is a great way to go. I would recommend discarding the use of 'camera' third omni and instead focus on what you call 'traditional' third omni. Just make sure you withhold information that can be implied or can be used more effectively later on. Otherwise, you're infodumping.

Now, the last part of the answer:

A great way to introduce scene description, especially in a third omni story, is to relate the characters to their environment. What do they like about it? What do they hate about it? What makes them come back time and time again or even only once?

Not only does it help to build the scene, but it also helps to build the character.

If you really want to know what I'm talking about, there's always reading, and I don't mean read fanfiction. That ain't gonna cut it.

For modern literary examples, I recommend:

Skippy Dies by Paul Murray

...and that's about it, since I'm just finishing it up myself and have a looooong reading list ahead of me. :D

Aaaaanyway, I won't be able to get to any of the fics in ma queue yet, as I'm currently participating in the MLPchan /fic/ competition. I'll get back to reviewing come Tuesday, though I start school next week and it will get very slow.

Cheers!

-Figments

Hey man,

Whenever you get around to my story (I believe I'm next) I just wanted to let you know that the biggest issue on my mind is,

"What do I need to do to get past the grammar filters and onto the pre-readers at EqD?"

Thanks for your time,
Anthony

>>117342
Well thank you good reviewer. That was a perfect answer to my question. I also appreciate the recommendation. I'll be adding that to my reading list AKA the list that's taking me far too long to get through. I've been "reading" Pride and Prejudice for what, a month now? Must. Read. Faster.

I wish you luck on your competition. Now for me to get to my rewrite...

I'm sorry for such a long delay and leaving after a few comments in your doc. School has been really dragging me down the past few days, giving me barely enough free time to actually review. I will try, however, to finish your stuff by Monday.

My sincerest apologies.

-Figments

>>118404
I figured school or something was bogging you down. Wait until you're graduated and only have a full time job to worry about. You won't know what to do with your free time.

Whenever you get around to it is fine.

>>118801

Don't worry. As you probably saw, I already started your review and am moving on to the second chapter.

Also, new trip!

Ugh. Four APs really takes a lot of time out of my day. Sorry for the lateness of your review, Cadero, but it seems like it's going to be delayed again.

Sorry about this.

>>119011

Hi there! I know that I'm just barging in here unannounced and that you probably don't even know who I am, but I'm going through the same thing this year (four AP classes; woohoo!), and I thought I could give you some advice. I put aside exactly two hours every night, 8-10 p.m., to do my reviews, no more, no less. If you make it like an appointment and limit how long this appointment can last, you'll find that you will get more work done, usually only because the mental stress of thinking of the reviews all the time is gone---you'll only think of your reviews during the appointed time.

By the way, I'm taking AP Physics, Literature and Composition, Government, and Calculus. What AP classes are you taking?

>>119058

>Calculus is AP

Boy I wish I had that luxury.

If you must know, here it is as follows:

AP English Literature, AP Psychology, AP Chemistry, and AP Music Theory.

I had the grades to take AP Statistics, but having 5 APs is worse than having four, so I opted out.

>>116210

Welp, thanks to a sudden burst of free time (that and my AP teachers are really lax and barely dish out homework), I got this review done!

Apologies are due, however, to both the length of time that it took and for skipping over PonyCadero. Sorry man, but since this is one part and yours is four, I gotta wrap this one up before tackling that one.

Anyways, onto your review!

Plot & Storytelling Bravissimo, author! You did a great job of balancing exposition, action, and story all in one piece! I gotta say that this is a fic that I’d love to see highlighted.

However, there are still a few things you need to clean up.

>Vinyl’s dialogue

Man, was it inconsistent. You literally bounced back and forth between British Vinyl and American Vinyl to some Old Lady From The 40’s Vinyl.

That’s a lot of Vinyls, man.

You need to decide on her speech mannerisms. The prose actually seemed to leak into the dialogue, and it made it a bit hard to differentiate between the two.

Next up is that big story dump when Vinyl is at Tavi’s grave. I just felt that in no possible way would she be able to recall all that stuff. I’d go through and fix it, because it’s unreliable as it stands.

Other than that, not really much is there besides what I pointed out in the doc.

Grammar & Mechanics Okay, buckle down, because this has more to do with your prose than anything else.

It’s okay to use contractions. In fact, since creative writing is a sort of informal wordsmithing, it’s very OK to use contractions.

It simplifies it and makes it easier to read and better for flow.

Overall I have to say, this is one really great fic. At least in my opinion, if that’s anything to go by. Good job, author. Just touch up here and there and you should have one fine piece on your hands!

Welp, I’ll get to the rest of your fic tomorrow, PonyCadero. So long as this queue doesn’t get backed up with fics.

Cheers!

-Figments

I'm sorry about being unable to view your fic, Cadero. I've been thinking for the past few days if I should shut down the thread, and it looks like I've come a decision.

Because school is taking up a lot of my time, I ask that a mod please lock this thread until further notice.

I'll do reviews in the TG from time to time, but having a dedicated queue looms over my head and makes me feel guilty.

So, I'm shutting down the queue until further notice.

Thanks for sticking with me and I hope I can do business with you next time!

Locked by OP request