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No. 113998
>>113664 >>113884
No GDocs = all your dirty laundry gets aired in public. Hell, GDocs would have seized up, anyway, so at least this way, you get your review sooner.
>Soft music drifted through the air, lightening the atmosphere of the dingy drinkery.
This paragraph isn't indented like the rest.
>Silky moonlight beamed its way through the windows, probably the most radiant of the light sources in the building.
I don't think you need the "in the building" part. That light source isn't in the building.
>Only a few ponies were around, and only one was sitting at the bar itself...
Lose the ellipsis. Unless a narrator is first-person or is communicating indirect thought, it's improper for him to trail off, get interrupted, ask questions, state opinions... basically anything but tell us what's happening.
>this would never happen
Excusable in dialogue, but this/that/these/those make poor pronouns. They have vague antecedents that are often large chunks of text, and so end up being self-referential to the narration. You don't want to be reminded that you're reading a story. Try to find an appropriate noun to put after it.
>would never happen, she'd never been one for sulking
This comma forms a comma splice. A comma cannot be used to link two independent clauses. Basically, the parts before and after the comma can both stand as complete sentences, so a comma is invalid. Split into two sentences, add a conjunction, or punctuate it with a semicolon or em dash instead.
>the bitterness of cider
I'd use "the cider" or "her cider." And cider's a pretty sweet and tangy drink to be described as bitter.
>I guess this is it then, huh? she thought to herself.
The italics already tell me that it's a thought. Tagging it as such is redundant, unless you're going to use it as an opportunity to attach an action to the sentence as well.
>Her thoughts were interrupted when an orange mare in a stetson hat sat in the stool beside her.
Stetson is a proper noun. I'm actually not a stickler for this, but the hat AJ wears technically isn't one of those.
>The newcomer didn't give her a second glance, she just waved down the barkeep and placed her order.
Another comma splice. I foresee many in your future.
>A few moments later, a second mug of cider sat upon the counter, complimenting the first.
"Complementing," unless you mean the cider has nice things to say.
>The newcomer smirked.
I don't know why you're pushing the reveal of who this character is so hard. It's not a surprise.
>“Then why would ya be in here on a night like tonight? Ain't you usually hittin' the clubs with Pinkie Pie round this time?”
Be consisitent on spelling ya/you. There are times when it does makes sense to do one or the other based on how the sentence is inflected, so if that's your game, okay. But just be warned that a little accent goes a long way. You don't want to make it hard to read, and "ya" falls in the gray area. As a fully licensed Southerner, I easily take exception to authors' treatment of her accent. You need an apostrophe on "'round," and make sure it goes the right direction. Smart quotes often get leading apostrophes wrong, and you may have to paste one in.
>Rainbow suddenly seemed to have a headache.
Be very careful with seem/appear/look. If it appeared that way to Applejack, fine, but I have no indication that the narrator is speaking from her perspective. To RD or the narrator himself, "seem" is unnecessary, because either one would know exactly whether or not she had one.
>but a tear still fell onto the counter, dampening the soft pine.
A single tear? Cliche ahoy! Also, who in their right mind would built a bar counter, which is supposed to be able to take a beating, from pine?
>She felt broken, like her world was falling apart around her ears.
"She felt broken" is incredibly telly. Here's an emotional high point, so you have to sell it. Those words give me the information, but don't draw me into her predicament at all. How would an independent observer know she felt broken? Give me her body language, her facial expression. Lead me to make that conclusion myself, and I'll be much more engaged in the story. And "around her ears" is a strange place to have a world crumbling. Just axe "ears." I have no idea why they're there.
>“Look, Sugarcube,” she said softly.
Why is Sugarcube capitalized? It's just a term of endearment, like "dear." It's not a name.
>“Ah think its high time we talked about this.”
"Ah" is also a bit on the "overdoing it" side of accents. People will hear her lines in her voice. You don't have to force the issue. It's more about word choice and folksy expressions than accent. "It's." If you keep confusing its/it's, I may turn to violence.
>Lookie here, Dash, everypony who's ever seen you round her kin read ya like a book!
"Kin." No. Over the line. Particularly confusing, since it's actually a word. I took me a minute to realize that wasn't what you meant. Again, 'round needs an apostrophe.
>don'
No.
>Rainbow crossed her arms
>arms
>“She can stay gone for all I care; stupid Twilight!”
Misused semicolon. You can use sentence fragments in certain circumstances, but not in cunjunction with a semicolon. Just make a new sentence.
>But ya can't lie tuh me.
"tuh." You haven't spelled it that way yet. Why are you starting now? Just no.
>so why don'cha stop beatin' around the bush an jus' say it?
Usually seen as "dontcha." Now you're going to spell out "around?" "Jus'" is over the line. Your accent writing is incredibly inconsistent.
>silencing the pegasus.
I'll just mention this once. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS) is the tendency to refer to characters by things other than pronouns or their names. It doesn't bother me that much, but just make sure you don't overdo it. All things in moderation.
>The corner of the cowpony's mouth perked up in an advisory fashion.
I don't even know where to begin... An advisory fashion? What does that even mean?
>“And why, do you think that?”
There is no possible reason in the universe for that comma to be there.
>She lowered her head in shame.
Watch "in/with <emotion>" phrases. They short-circuit showing language. We should be able to deduce her mood from the lowered head, so we don't need the rest. You can add a bit more description if you want to be absolutely clear.
>“And why is that?”
AJ's dialogue is very dry here. She doesn't seem to be genuinely interested. She sounds more like a shrink trying to get someone to talk out their own problems. She's not really the type for that.
>“...Because I'm a coward...”
This doesn't sound like RD at all. She's more the type to keep up a front than spill her guts like this. Not that it can't be done, but you have to connect the dots to show me how she gets there. Over a short time at a bar, she goes from not even acknowledging AJ's arrival to baring her soul? And if she cal tell AJ, why not Twilight, since those stakes are even higher? For that matter, why is AJ even buying cider? She makes her own...
>“Well, Dash,” Applejack leaned back in her seat.
Your speech tag has no speaking verb.
>“Ya know what ya halfta do, don't 'cha? Pony up! Or are you jus' gonna sit here an' feel sorry fer yerself like some kinda loser?”
"Halfta?" Really? What is the "l" doing in there? This accent writing is just too much. It's hard to read, you're inconsistent about your intentional misspellings, and when you do use them, you don't always spell them the same way.
>she didn't know, sadness?
Use a period instead of a comma, consistent with how you did the following words.
>are ya Dash?
You've been pretty good about using commas in instances of direct address, so I'll assume this one was just an oversight. You need a comma before "Dash."
>That did it.
Weak "that" again.
>She would have used her wings, but after about eight rounds of hard cider, she didn't exactly trust her coordination.
When has lack of coordination ever stopped her?
>pent up
hyphenate
>five minute
hyphenate. These compound modifiers require hyphenation.
>Not a huge problem, Rainbow Dash was more of a “just wing it” pony anyway.
That comma would work better as a dash.
>to at least get
Split infinitive. More a guideline than a rule, but it's preferred not to place other words between "to" and its verb, unless it's really the least awkward way to word the sentence.
>A simulation played through her mind:
Just use a period. Ending with a colon breaks the sentence across paragraphs, which only works well if what follows is something written, like a letter or a passage from a book. Even then, it's not necessary to do so.
>It's like, two o'clock in the morning!
I get that this is Twilight as interpreted by RD, but I still don't see Twilight speaking that line. She's not the type to use "like" in that fashion.
>Twi'
Direct address needs a comma, and you don't use apostrophes with shortened nicknames.
>but a young dragon
Okay, this is getting annoying. For the second time, you introduce a character and postpone mentioning who it is as if you're trying to create a mystery, while it's completely obvious who it is.
>He looked out at the world tiredly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
"looked out at the world tiredly" is awkwardly phrased, plus is just a telly version of what you've given us afterward.
>It's two o'clock in the morning?
Is he asking her or telling her?
>Without a plan, Rainbow felt a bit intimidated by prospects of the future.
Really clunky phrasing, plus I doubt she'd actually come to that realization in her current state. Isn't that precisely how she even got to the library? By hurtling ahead without a plan?
>Dash tore her brain apart searching for something to say.
"searching for something to say" is a participial phrase. You need to set those off with commas.
>Dash shifted her hooves uncomfortably, she suddenly found it hard to meet the drake's eyes.
Comma splice.
>Rainbow didn't need any further direction, she knew the library inside and out:
Comma splice, and that's a pretty unusual usage of a colon. It's not wrong, but it'll be a bit off-putting to the casual reader.
>Twilight's room was the last door on the left side of the hallway adjacent to the stairs.
Iirc, her room is simply the only one at the top of the stairs.
>A few moments later, a tired, bedraggled unicorn opened the door.
You just used the word "bedraggled" not long before this. The more unusual a word is, the more it will stick in a reader's head, and the longer you have to go between uses to keep it from sounding repetitive.
>It was amazing how, even though she had just woken up, Twilight still looked as pretty as her namesake.
As pretty as her namesake what? Twilight? There's nothing inherently beautiful about twilight. You need to build an image.
>Her mane was scattered, strands of hair boldly rebelling against gravity, sticking straight up, and out of the sides of her head.
The last comma is unnecessary, and consider that the majority of a mane grows from the neck.
>But the coup de grace was her spirit: most ponies would immediately turn away anypony that visited in the middle of the night—not Twilight!
Umm... not really. Most ponies would assume that a late-night visitor had good reason to be there, particularly when that visitor was trusted by Spike enough to let her in.
>down right
one word
>“Look, you can't go to that school.” she said finally.
The quote should end with a comma since you're transitioning into a speech tag.
>“I-It's just that—”
The second "I" in the stutter should be lower case. It's not starting the sentence anymore.
>“Well, Rainbow Dash,” she rumbled. “You certainly didn't seem to have a problem earlier today when I told you all.
This isn't technically wrong, but the quote feels more like it should flow as a single sentence. Transition back into it like so:
"Well, Rainbow Dash," she rumbled, "you certainly...
Let me also say here that Twilight's reaction is horribly out of character. She's immediately going to jump to rage when it's clear her friend is upset about something? Suppressed annoyance for the sake of being helpful, I can get, but not outright anger.
>“Before what?” Twilight growled.
She just growled. Don't overuse your more unusual speaking tags.
>Twi'
Ugh. I won't mark any more of these. Just sweep through and fix them.
>Oh, shoot, Twilight was mad! Nothing Dash was saying was coming out right. She had to think of something fast before things got worse!
The first sentence is okay as an exclamation because it reads as RD's indirect thought, but the last one reads more as the narrator's voice, so the exclamation doesn't feel right there.
>“You know what Rainbow?”
Direct address comma missing.
>pony kind
Recommend one word, as in "humankind."
>developed a cloud walking spell
Cloud-walking. And she didn't develop it. She looked it up.
>Rainbow nodded, she didn't think that Twilight would ever truly be able understand the elation that her presence had given her.
Where to start... Comma splice... Missing a "to" before "understand." And the ending phrasing is awkward. Be more descriptive than "elation," and it'd be better wording it more like "...understand the elation she was feeling" even if left as-is, in order to avoid the ambigious uses of "her."
>“ Look,
extraneous space
>Her tongue felt limp, it wouldn't move
comma splice
>She felt like she'd swallowed something cold and runny.
This is just strange. I'm not getting your imagery at all.
>would have lead to
led
>For the first time in what felt like years, Rainbow felt like she was going to start crying.
Repetitive use of "felt."
>somebody call a fire pony, I've found a hydrant and a siren
Suggest "firepony" as in "fireman." And this comment is just weird. It sounds like it's trying to be a joke, and I see the imagery of tears gushing as if from a fire hose, but the use of "hydrant" and "siren" is strange. Why would someone just "find" them, and why would doing so necessitate summoning a fireman?
>“Twilight,” She started hurriedly.
capitalization error
>“Go,” Twilight sniffled.
"Sniffled" is really stretching it as a speaking verb.
>Something wet slid from Rainbow's eye and down her cheek.
A single tear again? sigh This phrasing is just weird, too. "Something?" Ooh! I wonder what it could be!
>It looked like she'd never again be welcomed within its walls...
Ellipses in narration. Nope. it's not even needed here.
>triple check
hyphenate
>double checking
hyphenate
>he growled
By now, I'm noticing that your character grumble and growl an awful lot of the time. It's getting grating to see those two speaking verbs so often.
>I'm sorry Spike
direct address
>“Good,” She released him from her embrace.
I'm assuming you meant the comma to be a period, since you capitalized the next word and don't have a legitimate speech tag.
>He began grabbing anything he could reach, stuffing them indiscriminately into whatever bag they would fit in.
"them" has no clear antecedent. You also have a dangling preposition, but it's not a horrible one. However, I think you can just delete the "in," since the "into" already covers the location, makingthe "in" redundant.
>When the floorspace was clear,
Two words, and the comma shouldn't be there.
>No time to check them, Spike, we have to go!
Second comma is a splice.
>ponyville
capitalize. Seriously, did you edit this?
>goodbyes
good-byes
>Dropping her bags onto the ground, she approached them.
Antecedent for "them" is vague. Use something like "her assembled friends."
>Where the heck is Rainbow Dash? She thought worriedly.
Same rules as quotations. "She" should be lower case.
>With a pang, she suddenly remembered the events of the previous night... morning... whatever one calls two A.M.
A pang of...? It's never used in isolation like this. Indirect possessions are often clunky. Consider changing "the events of the previous night" to "the previous night's events."
>A tear came to her eye.
Does nopony have the capacity for more than one tear?
>Applejack noticed and came to investigate.
So of all the ponies there, who expressly showed up to see Twilight, only AJ noticed? And asking a couple of questions constitutes "investigation?" Particularly since she already knew what RD was up to, I'd think she'd already be curious, even before she saw how Twilight was acting.
>The words rocketed out of her, every syllable was like a punch to the gut.
comma splice
>...stood around in utter shock.“You what?”
Missing a space after the period.
>Her jaw dropped comically, but her eyes glistened deeply in the mid morning sunlight.
Don't undermine the serious emotional tone of this scene with the "comically." mid-morning
>“I agree, darling. That is most... barbaric.”
It's kind of obvious who's speaking here, but you should still say. You can really only go without identifying speakers when there are only two participants.
>“Oh dear,” Fluttershy admonished.
"Admonished" is a transitive verb. It requires a direct object, and the speech doesn't count since its direct object needs to be whatever or whoever is receiving the admonition.
>I'm very disappointed in you Twilight Sparkle!
direct address
>ALL ABOARD!
All caps are discouraged, except possibly for Royal Canterlot Voice. Use italics and choice of speaking/action verbs to communicate intensity.
>last minute
hyphenate
>This is her last time here fer a while, let's send 'er off right!
comma splice and overdone accent
>They stood there for a moment, each friend sharing their love for one another.
Very telly and overly saccharine.
>They said thier goodbyes
their, good-byes
>goodbye
good-bye
>It's gonna get lonely around here.
Huh? Why wouldn't Spike be going with her? She's still raising him, and he's her assistant.
>found her room, happy to find
repetitive
>It was enough to pull a tear out of Twilight's eye
Time-release tears, huh? She gets one per page?
>all of Ponyville faded from view...
Please stop ending scenes with ellipses.
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