>Tag Team review thread
>memoriiiiiies

I hereby christen this thread - Awesome!

Flutteryay! LunarShadow is back! And you brought a friend!

Hello, Kurbz! Have you been around here before, like in TTG? Your partner has been immensely helpful with my story. You keep good company. I wish you both the best of luck. Lunar, I'm currently writing my next chapter, should be done by the end of the week. I'll post it here when it's ready.

In the meantime, I don't want to ask to be placed in the queue, since you've already looked at my story. But, would your friend by any chance like to take a gander? I think once Chocolate Milk finishes his last grammar sweep, I'll be submitting to EqD for round two, and I'd like as many eyes as possible. But only if you have free time.

Pic because Third Best Pony on Best Album is Best Thing.

Hello again Lunar!

Might you be interested in taking another look at my story? I know you reviewed it once, but I just got my first strike from EqD, so I've done some major revisions and polishing, and I'd like to hear your feedback.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FikaAFbB6puX7YPdEqxR0X3L_f3rvCzox9ZTWrzvUO4/edit

Of course, if you'd rather review fresh material, I completely understand. Just let me know.

>>100806
> Have you been around here before, like in TTG?
I roamed the Training Grounds for a month back in Fall and have had my own thread for a bit, but it was on and off. I have been around for quite a while dude :P.

>>100811
Tags and synopsis please.

>>100812

Whoops, sorry. Somehow, I missed there was a new face.

[Sad]

Synopsis: There was once a time when Luna and Celestia's rule was in its infancy. Thrust into power after her miracle of raising the sun, Celestia deals with the luxuries and responsibilities of being a ruler. After she loses control of her power, resulting in a national tragedy, she begins to wonder just what it means to be a leader with no pony and nothing to answer to.

Also, you only need to focus on chapter one at the moment.

>>100812
Ah-ha. So I'm just out of the loop. Gotcha. :)

Well, would you mind looking at my story?

Title: Bloodline
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria, a world that has not known violence like his in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this mad man no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fjlnV3sAAi5v6WN9bOXK8KFHq6KASGhraltiCQVp89g/edit

As I said, Lunar just looked at it, so feel free to say no if you think I'm being needy or something.

>>100806
> Hello, Kurbz! Have you been around here before, like in TTG?
>>100813
> Whoops, sorry. Somehow, I missed there was a new face.

Interesting strategy Kurbz. Tricking people into making your first derail something so... unique. You're always pushing the bar that much higher. ^^

The Sixth Age

[Sci-fi]. No other stock tags seem to apply.

Grim-lite. Adventure. Shadowrun.

Ivory spires that put to shame the mountain they're grafted to. Thousands of lives perched on a slab of iron bolted to the side of a cliff, with an artificial sun doin' its best to warm the shadows underneath. Then there's the aug-tech changin' the face of ponykind, runnin' right up against magic the likes of which the world ain't seen for centuries. This, all of this, is New Canterlot. A magical place, in the dangerous kinda way. It's everythin' you ever dreamed of, and everythin' you ever feared. For what it's worth, good luck out there, chummer. I think you're gonna need it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cw8L_1Z1ZbLr17QkCfDFSmnfrzhttObCktUWotCs-Jc/edit


Here's what my prereader said:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This story has a great deal of promise, but unfortunately it isn't really there, yet.

[List of Issues]
1) Language. You don't need to say shit, fuck, damn and such every line or three to emphasize how gritty a world it is. After all, there were very few cuss incidents in 'Bladerunner' and that movie pretty well set the tone for Dystopian movies.

2) You slipped up a few times and used numerics instead of typing them out.

3) Hyphen or Dash abuse. There's better ways to denote interrupted speech. Ellipses, or a single dash will do.

4) Capitalization issue. Is should not be capitalized there.

“This,” she said dramatically, “Is

[Suggested Fixes]

Take this over to Ponychan and ask for a review. I like your premise, but I do think you need a bit of help with the mechanics of things, here. When you resubmit, please include a link to the review thread so we can go over it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...Now, the version you see here isn't the same version the prereader saw. I've done my best to fix what he commented on before even taking this to someone else. Please give this a thorough technical look-- I want to know about my weak wording, bulky sentences, etc.

Additionally, I'd like some help with what I have of my third chapter. AzuNyan has already gone over it (on his own time, because he's a cool guy) but as you can see I'm not really taking his suggestions as gospel.

The previous chapters have seen a lot of polish; this one has not. So it's a slightly more "candid" look at my writing style, I suppose. It's also an action scene, which is a bit outside of my comfort zone.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1d1Ad83Bh__o8zZeaiAJ3sB0aKYbg55-dtlUw0k2v9jM/edit

Queue is updated. I had something else to say but can't remember at this moment, so have some Trixie instead.

>>100811

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You have all these double spaces placed throughout your story. They're literally everywhere. You don't need this. Single spaces will do.

2. You do have a few instances of excessive she said, he said, she said type dialogue. Don't be afraid to drop the speech tag and replace it with their action following the dialogue. The fact that you have quotation marks tells us somepony was speaking. The action afterwards will tell us who.

3. You have a lot of sentences that start out with Celestia gave... or X pony let out. This is just adding extra, unnecessary words when you could shorten it from "Celestia let out a kind laugh" to something like "Celestia laughed kindly."

Overall:

I honestly think that you try too hard to paint the picture via show vs. tell. You spend lots of time explaining almost every room, the landscape, etc... just remember to focus on what's important. There's a fine balance between providing only a narrow scope of things, showing just enough, and overloading our senses.

Otherwise, I still like this story. I think it has a decent pace to it and it does a good job of showing what is important. (Aside from showing a little too much of the unimportant.)

Keep writing my good friend!

This thread is awesome. A bit late to the party, but it needed to be said.

Anyhow, here's the first quarter of Volume 2 of Pipsqueak's Adventure Journal!:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b8ESWl_nt4OFjcL_E0K9E1gDCNfWriKtPTe_SVWgXFk/edit

^that's the directory, and the links to parts 1 and 2 are under Vol. 2. I won't be doing a "complete doc", but neither will I be doing single docs for each entry, for reasons implied in text. Do tell me if I haven't given you enough to go on; if that's the case, I'll finish up Interlude I and then re-submit to the queue.

>>100811
>>100974

Okay, I have completely finished my revisions to First Dawn, chapter 2:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/145As3Tz3cuXyS0tnqQa15FCRLd6If0TWNKrT_gl6fB8/edit

I completely rewrote the dialogue between Luna and Celestia based off of Umbra's suggestion, so please focus on that. Be harsh. It's an important exchange. Does it flow well? Is it showy enough? Does it feel emotional and genuine? Does it feel like an exchange between two sisters? Does it sufficiently convey Celestia's despair? Or does it feel forced and flat?

Thanks again, I look forward to your comments!

>>100811
Alright, just want to point out some stuff.

1. You describe everything, and it ends up being telly. You need to cut back on your scenic description and show what is important. Example: the description of the battlefield after Celestia incinerates it is good, but I don't give a flying fuck about her bedroom.

2. You add a lot of descriptions on small things that don't need them. This makes me think you don't trust your readers, which is understandable because they are stupid, but you have to trust them some or it ends up being a bad story.

3. Adverbs. Use less of them. They only weaken the prose and make you lean towards telling.

Now, to help you with telling, I have a short blurb. You are writing in third person limited, and that means that you are inside Celestia's head. That so, you need to interpret everything through her lens of the world. Your descriptions are based on her perception, whether it be accurate or not.

Oh, and you need to revise your synopsis. It shouldn't tell me what happens in your first chapter but rather lead up to it. I don't want to know events before I read them n'est pas?

>>100821
Hey, I'd like a minor change to my submission. Could you please focus on the third chapter?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iklATEf7vLfytY9UhJ4EIWk9rh0r9zMHU0SMGfdLK_s/edit

It's brand new, no one has looked at it yet. If you want to give the whole thing a once over, that would be great, but I really only need this one edited. Thanks! :)

I've sent this story into the Training Grounds queue, but being on the mid-to-longer side, it will likely sit there for a while. I'd be happy with just the first two chapters getting a good, solid look-see in the meantime. The first chapter is a bit out of line with the rest, as it steps away from third person limited (Rainbow Dash) in a few places.

This is written in present tense, so be prepared for that too. :) It helps so much with the escalating cliff-hangers in the later chapters, and I've tried to be very careful with that double-edged blade...

Rainbow Typhoon
[Adventure] [maybe light shipping/romance right at the end - or maybe not]
Rainbow Dash... Sometimes reckless, often daring, always loyal. Her one goal in life is to become a Wonderbolt, and with a little help from a hurricane, her fondest wish may come true. But storms are unpredictable, and a monster of a storm is the most unpredictable of all - and the most dangerous. The plans of a brave little pegasus mean nothing to a hurricane, and Rainbow Dash may end up facing far more than she can handle.

How far can you push a Rainbow?

GDOC: http://tinyurl.com/rainbowtyphoon
FIMF: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22148/Rainbow-Typhoon

Thanks for taking a look.

>>100858

Review running in doc.

Somethings of note:

1. You have a nasty habit of making a jump between two concepts without linking them. This is most noticeable at the beginning of chapter one and two. Make sure you connect two trains of thought, or it's not going to make sense.

2. That accent in the prologue is way overdone. It made reading slow as I had to determine what the slang meant and what the pony was saying. My advice is to pick a word or two, three at most, and change them. Slang is okay as long as you explain before you use it. I have an example in doc.

3. Your story has almost no thought whatsoever. This is passing up a very good opportunity to offer insight on your character, Daybreak. Speaking of her, she's relatively shallow. We know all of two things about her. What she looks like, and the fact that she's a professor. Not much else. There are plenty of points where you could reveal more about her, not only in thoughts, but in conversation between ponies like Ironwood. (I.E. Have her apologize to Ironwood, saying that having been raised by X class ponies may have warped her view a bit. See? That reveals the lifestyle she grew up in. Stuff like that.)

4. You have some odd sentence structure. I have them marked, and usually they're taken care of by rearranging the sentence. Sometimes, you need to change or add a word. It may take a bit, but reading your story outloud to yourself will make it well worth the time and you'll catch those sentences. Plus, you'll come across some smaller mistakes on your own.

5. Paragraphs: New idea, new speaker, new character, new paragraph. Remember that.

6. At some points, you have a habit of falling into the 'she said, she said, she said' type of writing. Don't be afraid to drop the speech tag and replace it with the next action. The quotation marks tell us there was speech. The following action will tell us who spoke and how they said it.

Overall:

My biggest concern right now is the prologue. It seems to serve no purpose right now other than a hook and you shouldn't have to use a prologue like that. In fact, so far, it barely relates to the story. It should be made clear what its importance to the story is really quickly.

Other than that, I can see a good concept starting to emerge, but it's not quite there yet. You took two chapters to introduce a character and start telling us what may be happening. I can see each of the 'special' ponies being an arc of several chapters, but hopefully, you'll reveal what this is all about and why the two mysterious ponies want research done on the 'special' ponies. And why they're paying such a handsome sum of money. Better sooner than later.

Well, that's my two cents worth of opinion and help. Perhaps Kurbz will be able to add to this. But for now, I will abstain from looking at your third chapter purely because you're already going to have enough to do with the first two.

Keep writing my good friend!

Honestly, I'm a little afraid of Ponychan review threads just scrolling through them. They look scary and lack a lot of friendliness, but EqD told me it was a must after I got rejected, and you guys seem pretty good at it...

Title: Red Sky
Synopsis: It has been years since Equestria last saw an imminent threat to the kingdom. The peace that ruled over the land is shaken when an unnamed stallion marches to Equestria, destroying everything and everypony that is foolish or unlucky to stand on his way. With his army, he conquers the land, finding near no resistance once Equestria finds that the Princesses have vanished and cannot save them. The ponies of Equestria are thrust into a reign of fright that even Discord, the God of Chaos would frown upon. All seems lost, but an ancient and seemingly-forgotten prophecy regarding the Bearers of Harmony brings hope to their hearts.

Tags: [Sad] [Adventure]

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WAUPCFE0NeWDHnUR-JFNqoLl6JWhUOcd9_KuEzKw2HE/edit?pli=1

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1htiI4lKVoswu5g4HZ2ynA0Ir9-bhZNHui_3Q_y1Xf1A/edit

Also, here is a link to what the pre-reader told me if you would like some kind of reference: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FXd0xDmqe-AekHWoAKqkUyTkYEURxS_V_c1qYqIh6cM/edit

Thank you very much if you decide to take a peek.

Unrelated: I don't get that 'training grounds' thing.

Naw, everyone here is just a softy that acts tough to not be accused of hugboxing. And they act tough cause they want the best for you. And they are fun to make fun of and because of that.

Talk to the ringleader of this place (/fic/) and you will see he is close to the nicest guy you'll ever find anywhere, actually, everywhere. So dont fear /fic/, although everyone involved should try to make more approachable or something.

Title: Clockwork
Author: That 1 Guy
Co-author: TimeForSP
Email: ArizonanBrony@gmail.com
Or: Alexd914933@gmail.com
Tags: [Sci-Fi] [Shipping]
Extra Tags: Steampunk
Synopsis: Clockwork is an oddity. He was born without his left wing. However, he has more than enough intellect to make up for it. Using his unique gift of engineering, he creates the first ever artificial wing and uses it to make his mark in history. Eventually, he acquires the unwanted attention of the Gryphon Empire and its allies. It's a good thing he has more than a few tricks built into that new wing of his.

Additional information: A sort of steampunk/rocketeer type story set about 10 years after S2.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NzsCTPIxDrI_pUFkS8elGRepoZUgX1yqjrDAUMHMqiE/edit


-----------------------------
From the Pre-reader:

"Dear Author:
I'm Pre-reader Grump, and I have the unfortunate job of telling you your story isn't ready for posting.


[List of Issues]
1) This should be 'some sort of community building project'

some sorts of community building projects
2) Phrasing. The way this reads, it SOUNDS like either his eyes or mane are carrying a studded football. Disturbing image, to say the least.
He
was a rather bulky pegasus pony with an unkempt brown mane that hid his
eyes carrying a studded football, which appeared to have his name
etched into it.
3) Punctuation error. Need an apostrophe to denote possession.
Clockworks name
4) Punctuation issue. Comma after 'least', not a period.
"Charger, you're last, but not least." Cheerilee said in a motherly
5) Nonsensical. What exactly do you mean, here? How can one ask anything 'mundanely'?
"What’s wrong?" Charger mundanely asked.
6) Charger has electrical cables in her mane so she can randomly shock the shit out of somepony. Er... why is she allowed to wander around like that by the authorities? o.o
7) Thesaurus syndrome. 'Deleterious'? Really? A fine word, but not used QUITE properly there.
She was the first pony to ask him those questions without deleterious intent.
8) Absurdly rushed plot. The two OC's become such fast friends so quickly, he gets the fire ruby at the end of the chapter.



[Suggested Fixes]

You've got to go to Ponychan and ask for a full review. I never made it out of the first chapter due to the aforementioned errors. I have no idea what other issues wait. If you decide to resubmit, then include a link to the review thread.

This is strike 1 of 3... review wisely.

-Pre-reader Grump"

*Note that the version he read is not the one you'll be reading.

>>101588
>Pic

>>101592
Hugs, hugs for everyone!
http://youtu.be/QdE62pb7B5Q
I like to consider my attitude to be the equivalent of a nuclear deterrent.

>>101562

Argh, there are probably dozens of individual things I want to talk about. You say you don't like talking in the comments, but that really would be the best way to do this unless you want to talk in #fic or in the chat window for the doc?

>>101630
>Pic

>>101631

Well, okay, two general things I want to talk about.

First, the prologue character's speech affect is hawaiian pidgin. The real life version is very distinctive and thick as hell. I wanted a very strong speech affect to be part of the character.

I understand what you're saying about my transitions. I have no idea how to fix that, sadly.

Finally, I don't use verbal 'thoughts' because it's very rare that I like it when other people do that. Internal monologues aren't realistic. When I think to myself, I almost never think in coherent words and internal monologue. Do other people? Is this an ADD thing? At any rate I do see some places where the narration would benefit from taking a closer look inside Daybreak's head, so thank you for this advice.

These are far from my only responses but they're some general things I want to talk about. Thank you for your good work.

>>100858
I followed Lunar on this one, so that's why I jumped to this. Now, for my in thread review.

This... concept isn't horrible. The lore behind it is somewhat interesting, but it can quickly devolve into "hey look at all my fancy technology!" Now, that said I want to address the issues your prereader had. They are all valid, but I think they did not go far enough. A lot of your fic is telling and doesn't show some of the key moments. That is probably the most serious thing, because it is the most arduous and difficult to fix. You'll have to reword entire sentences, and then adjust paragraphs for flow and structure.

After that, your OC names are bland and really just seem like boring corruptions of the Mane 6. It doesn't seem like you put much thought into them besides a surface level "Hmm, that sort of works" and then just run with it.

You have a lot of extraneous and clunky phrases that don't add anything. I think I marked them.

However, what is most concerning is the relationship between your prologue and the rest of the chapters. Better way to say it: the complete lack of relationship besides the mention of the tower. The first chapter really carries a different tone, and I don't see anything that relates it to the story. Well, besides the fact that they totally didn't steal the Elements of Harmony right?

I said most of it in the document, but I'll give a quick list of things.
-Show v. Tell
+let the reader decide how to feel about things and inspire it in them
+body language, tone, facial expressions
+cut down on adverbs
-Cut unnecessary things that make irrelevant details seem important
-Your phrasing was shit for a good bit of it. No single fix, but everything should flow together smoothly.
-Trim the fat
-You openings and endings ruin your hooks and cliffhangers just to tell us that Celestia and Luna are trolling from the background. I suggest cutting them for the most part and letting the narration with Daybreak enthrall the reader and leave the manipulator as a mystery for now.

>>101815

Stuff.

I should say, you've both done a very good job at nitpicking ways to tighten up questionable structure and wordy sentences. Which brings me to a point of contention.

The narrator's voice often tells from a character's point of view. Almost every example of "narrator-speak" is because I'm talking about something in terms of how it seems to a character. Whatever, though-- If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

I can understand perhaps 80% of where you needle at "telling" language, and will probably change around 60% of it.

A lot of what Kurbz really hated is what a couple of reviewers-- I'll name Golden Vision because he's the most recent-- liked. The first chapter's opening exposition dump, for example. So, the reason I want to talk so much about this stuff isn't because I don't think you're capable of giving good advice. It's just, I'm hesitant to do radical changes so easily.

You definitely caught a lot of places where a show would be more graceful and flavorful. If you're bored by things like the weather report that happens as Daybreak leaves her house, I'll try to trim it and make it into "telling" later. I understand that kind of advice.

But...

>Those lights, Chaser had learned long ago, were meant to make the ponies who lived in the plate's shadow feel less like they were entombed under the weight of an entire city. Stars. She needed to make it through this so that she could see those stars after all.

Yes the telly nature of this makes it clunky, but I want to communicate this information and I want to do it now. I could maybe add some action to Chaser yearning to see the stars, but in the end I would still end up probably having to "tell" that the lights are meant as artificial sunlight and that Chaser wants to live long enough to see the damn stars and all I'd have successfully done is add some nice sensory description at the cost of making this paragraph longer.

There's an interesting example of where you're probably right about telling dragging my writing down, but I'm a little concerned about what to do instead. What exactly do you replace a single sentence character description dump with? I see that the writing is boring, but why would I want to make it more fluid but three times as long?

Perhaps I should "show" a little bit via Daybreak being disturbed by her extensive augmentation, but I kind of wanted that to be implied instead of explicit, and I would still want to "tell" simple things like the color of her freaking hair. How do you "show" a simple appearance without emotion

I'm rather attached to the names Daybreak and Ironwood. I readily admit that Shimmer, Spectra, and Victoria aren't great. Hmm.

>>101818
>A lot of what Kurbz really hated is what a couple of reviewers-- I'll name Golden Vision because he's the most recent-- liked. The first chapter's opening exposition dump, for example. So, the reason I want to talk so much about this stuff isn't because I don't think you're capable of giving good advice. It's just, I'm hesitant to do radical changes so easily.
Radical changes aren't fun. The purpose of the exposition dump at the start is what? It isn't a great hook. It is a world building, and I think I pointed out a place where it would fit in more naturally.

>Yes the telly nature of this makes it clunky, but I want to communicate this information and I want to do it now.
Internal dialogue is a technique that is very useful for a reason.

>There's an interesting example of where you're probably right about telling dragging my writing down, but I'm a little concerned about what to do instead. What exactly do you replace a single sentence character description dump with? I see that the writing is boring, but why would I want to make it more fluid but three times as long?
Showing is inherently longer than telling. It is the nature of writing. While it is longer, it is more enthralling for the reader. Immersion is the key. Immerse the reader, and they will fly through the story.

>How do you "show" a simple appearance without emotion
You link it to something. You give it an action that brings it to attention of the perspective character, or something noteworthy like dirt or something. This is one of the hardest things to do with OCs.

>I'm rather attached to the names Daybreak and Ironwood. I readily admit that Shimmer, Spectra, and Victoria aren't great. Hmm.
Daybreak is meh. Ironwood is acceptable. The rest are crap.

Before I begin, let me explain why this fic came to be. I'm a Sonic fan and a Brony. I enjoy both of the best things both fanbases have to offer, but I am sick of seeing the hostility between the two. I'm on a mission to bring the best out of both fanbases, or at least change the way people Bronies look at any kind of pony work featuring Sonic characters. Yes, what I'm basically attempting is a fanfic suicide mission, but I think I can pull it off. If you do not like the idea of Sonic in any MLP work, then I advise you not to read further. But, if you decide to give this a chance, then I promise you, you won't be disappointed.

Title: Chaotic Harmony.
Tags: [Crossover][Adventure]
Synopsis: What started out as a perfect day quickly turned sour as Sonic and his friends got into a fight, breaking up the bond the group held so strong for years. When the Chaos Emeralds warp Sonic and his former friends to Ponyville, they soon find out that not everything is what it seems in this new idealistic world. Now, the gang is set on another adventure with their new friends, but can they bring harmony within themselves?

Episode 1: Arrival.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uwds20srHvgl_ianZ6KhxBl6rvT3_mz2e8Jy6uahJUI/edit

E-mail:
Samuri_Segtendo@yahoo.com

Thanks for taking the chance to read this!

>>101588
I've already recieved a mini-review in the IRC that has brought attention to some major flaws I need to kink out, so I will be revoking this submission to not waste your time on something is being changed. Thank you for acknowledging my fic, though.

>>101821
When you request a review from another reviewer, you must inform both of your reviewers that you've made an additional request. This helps cut back on redundant reviews and keeps needy authors from spamming review requests. Also, remember that you should not have any more than two active review requests at any one time.

>>101824

To be honest, I didn't think the last review thread was active, since I submitted it a few days ago with on reply.

>>101826
As this thread's OP says, read the sticky. That clause is in it.

If that review thread is going nowhere, retract your request and ask in a different one.

Huh...I've never seen reviewers team up before. Well, all the better, then!

1) Tags: Random, Comedy

2) Title: W.O.M.P.

3) Twilight Sparkle knows better than anypony that exams are serious business. Particularly when that exam is a final exam. Particularly-er when that final exam determines whether she graduates from the Canterlot School For Gifted Unicorns. But exams aren't always normal. Or fun. Or non-homicidal. Join Twilight as she treks through an exam full of acronyms, insults, and general insanity.

4) Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t0R6HqmfVQ_AgZXDR6yn2N2BPPy2BQ310j-77kAwaHY/edit

NOTE: The AI character's dialogue is funniest when read in this voice from Portal 2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgAjsI_d2eU

Just a thought.

To both of you, thanks very much! In bocco al lupo.

Addendum: Also posted in TTG.

>>101026

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. I dislike the Dinky you portray in your story. You make her sound like some sort of bully, when I know it wasn't your intention. I would be willing to bet that there would be fans that would jump down your throat for it, too.

2. You have a smattering of misplaced paragraphs. Mostly descriptions that are sort of added in almost as an afterthought. Make sure that they go with the idea they're expanding upon.

3. You don't describe the other ponies of the group. In fact, you don't even describe Jangle beyond his ears. That's kinda important. Please, don't leave us in the dark.

Overall:

This is hard... trying to find a balance between readable and realistic journal of a young colt. I like the concept so far, and I like where it's heading.

Keep up the good work and please, continue writing!

>>101026
>I dislike the Dinky you portray in your story. You make her sound like some sort of bully, when I know it wasn't your intention. I would be willing to bet that there would be fans that would jump down your throat for it, too.
In contrast, I like your Dinky. She isn't particularly mean, but she doesn't open up to him and sets up several Checkov's Guns that could be very interesting.

Mostly in doc, and short here because journal formats are hard to edit without a through understanding of the author-character. Oh, and I detest them, but I won't let my bias in the way here.

1. You need to put commas before your coordinating conjunctions, which you are missing in most places.

2. It sets up a lot of Checkov's Guns, but I'm not sure if you can fire them all. Namely, you have a real point of interest with Dinky, but bringing her back into the story may not be easy and end up forcing a hammish solution.

That's all I've got. I wish I could help more, I just can't in good faith edit it thoroughly without knowing exactly what you're trying to portray.

All that said, I think this is actually a decent concept, and it even made me not hate it outright and it has two elements that normally do that (journals and Pip). Kudos.

>>102017
>>102054
Awesome! My first thought was, "Oh, so the kidnapping was fine", so that means I won't have to change anything significantly. I'm relieved that it wasn't boring. I had an inkling that it might have been.

Replies, in no particular order:

>RE: Otherlower
Self - other
Raising - lowering
Self-raising flour -> other-lowering -> Otherlower

Yeah, that's all I got. ;_;

>RE: Adventure Journal!
The words on his book are "Pipsqueak (the Valiant)'s Adventure Journal!". He used to use "Greetings". At one point in Vol. 1, he decided that "Greetings" was too long a word, and then thought to himself whether he should just call the journal "Journal", but decided against it. So it's a stylistic quirk. I also had Cheerilee fix up his "tole" problem, only for him to forget it, btw.

>RE: glowy eyes dude in the inn
"Wasn't red, but purply" -> a half-heartened attempt at suggesting Vinyl Scratch. Even so, "Clupea" is the scientific name for the herring, or so says Wikipedia. The Crimson Clupea... well, you can see where that goes. Glowy-Eyes-Possibly-Vinyl doesn't show up any other time.

>RE: Dinky
I'm going for the antisocial, shelled sort of Dinky, one that's easily offended, has a harsh tongue and repressed by years of bullying. I'm also going to ship her with Pipsqueak MWUAHAHAHAHAbut not until they're much older. So it'll be a love-hate thing until one day they wake up and realize "Hey, you're not so bad after all".Or maybe not. I haven't planned that far yet. I blame manga. Basically, one really unhappy child who thinks everypony's an idiot. Tsundere, almost. She also happens to be the child of CaughlinMare!Derpy, who removes her mask of idiocy in the comfort of her home and works on advanced magitech stuff, which, despite Derpy's best efforts, freaks Dinky out.

>RE: And abuse, because, run-ons, etc.
That's why I have you guys, to make my ramblings coherent. <3 Duly noted, and I'll comb through the chunks to tone those down. Honestly, I didn't know about some of the dialogue punctuation myself - not capitalizing dialogue within a sentence, for example - so that's an eye-opener. "trying to find a balance between readable and realistic journal of a young colt" - couldn't have said it better myself. The next part is a normal, third-p. limited narrative interlude, though, akin to a break, so we'll see how that works out.

>RE: pony descriptions
I'll slot some of those in, though I'd rather refrain from directly describing them. That's how I got away with Lucky Die/Mayor Mare, after all; and going to lengths to describe Jangle would mean having to go to lengths to describe the CMC et al.. Maybe an offhand joke about blood not showing up on Jangle's red coat, or something.

Much appreciated, and I'll get cracking. Thank you!

>>101327

Review running in doc.

Some things of note:

1. It annoys me to no end that people insist on using speech tags such as 'she said, asked [character]. You could seriously drop it and follow up with an action. I.E. "Why the hell are you using speech tags?" LunarShadow turned and glared at the poor author. (Quotation marks tell us that somepony spoke. Question mark tells us it was a question. LunarShadow tells us who spoke. Turned and glared gives us an idea how it was said.) There, do you get it now?

2. You have ponies randomly disappear. I point these out. Also, at one point, you just have some ponies appear from nowhere. I also point this out. Fix it, have them come from somewhere.

3. There are two scenes I want to talk about. The first being the whole beginning part with Rainbow Dash and the set up for further shipping. I don't like this, and I'll tell you why. It doesn't connect to anything in the story other than 'Lol, hey guys, I wanna ship too.'. In all honesty, I don't think this story is going to have an atmosphere you can maintain while also shipping. It's simply not long enough. I think you could imply feelings for other ponies via worry for them, wanting to make sure they're safe, etc... (Implied shipping). But I don't think you could pull downright shipping.

The other scene is the whole 'other students bully Lickety' scene. Where were the adults? I thought Cheerilee had gone to supervise them. I don't know about your elementary school experience, but whenever there was just randomly a group of people gathered like the ponies were, teachers were all over us in seconds trying to find out what was going on.

Overall:

A little short for my taste. Doesn't show anything real important until the end. 'Twas a lot of writing for a single point.

And honestly, I liked your picnic idea better. I would replace the Dash x Big Mac exposition with a picnic like scene. But that's just me. Also, to lengthen it, I wouldn't stop at the discovery of the body. I would end with Twilight getting the medic, taking Berry to the morgue, a slightly closer look at her... wounds, and the conclusion that it wasn't just a creature that killed her. Have them make the connection that there's somepony or something running around... and there may be more deaths.

And that's it for me. We'll see what Kurbz has to add. Until then, keep writing my good friend!

>>102274
Thanks once again for the critical eye, friend!

Some rebuttals:

1. I'm keeping the Mac/Dash thing, because it's not a ship. To me, "shipping" is when two characters fall for each other. In my story, Big Mac and RD are already together. There will be a minor hint drop as to how they got that way, but I'm not focusing on that, because it's not important to the main plot. If I had some scenes with Lyra and Bon Bon or Octavia and Vinyl, it wouldn't be a ship fic. You may argue that because it's not a fanon-wide accepted relationship, it's not the same thing. You may be right, but I like it. Plus, just trust me. It will tie together in a BIG way.

2. I know the chapter is a little short on meat. This was intentional... kind of. Think of it like a sacrifice play. It doesn't accomplish a whole lot, but it puts the necessary elements in place for the grand slam next time. Again, trust me. The next chapter is when Barlow finally meets the ponies. From there, sh*t will get real.

>>102274
Alright, I was going to start through tonight instead of completely cramming, but since you sent off to Equestria Daily I'll wait until you get the response.

Friendship is Forever
tags: [Grimdark]
additional tags: [adventure] [conspiracy] [fear of death]
(25 chapters)

Not to be confused with the other "Friendship is Forever." When something goes terribly wrong at the Grand Galloping Gala in Canterlot, Twilight Sparkle and friends are thrust into an adventure like they have never experienced before.

Google docs:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qfpLIWQbu5VyTYiYvylEZ-Lz2nvaaNN5uHtmQ-LAfs8/edit

Fanfiction.net
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7052018/1/My_Little_Pony_Friendship_is_Forever

(note that the FF version has italics which refused to copy over to google docs for some reason.)

Before Equestria Daily implemented the 3 strikes rule, they sent this back to me saying only that I had "show, don't tell" issues which I then attempted to fix with an extensive revision. (a prereader said it was "postable" otherwise but I didn't put too much stock in that since it wasn't posted.) I want to make sure I'm very thorough before I try to submit it again, so all criticism will be appreciated. Still, I'd like to focus primarily on "show, don't tell" issues. (The prereaders said they were more prevalent in later chapters.) Thanks.

That just proves how long I've been gone. Whoa.

Okay, while I'm working on extensive revisions of Earthside, I'm going to drop a fic in your thread soon. I'm not sure what tags it would have, but the entire fic is about one pony's perception compared to how the world sees what he sees, and how they perceive him.

It's got tinges of Dark in it, so I'm delving into my true roots of writing here.

>>101265

Review running in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You have all these single sentence paragraphs. Or they're two sentence long. Honestly, you could either move them to join the previous paragraph, the next paragraph, or split them up between the last and next paragraph.

2. You really reinforce the fact that Celestia's crying. Every paragraph or two you tell us how tears are welling up again, or threatening to come out. You could tell us once, maybe twice if you feel it absolutely necessary. In the meantime, the reader is going to assume she's still crying unless you show or tell us she stopped.

3. Those extra spaces. They are not needed. Find and destroy them.

Overall:

Yeah, this is one of two beginnings type stories that I like. Except for the excessive telling us that Celestia's crying, I liked this chapter.

Keep up the good work!

I'll be doing the prologue of Bloodline tonight. Whether or not I go past that depends on my ability to stomach HiE and murder.

>>101622

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You have a case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LuS). It is a writing ailment in which the author finds the need to use coat/mane colour, a specific trait of a pony, or race of a pony to describe who's doing what. Please, don't be afraid to use pronouns. They will do, and we don't need constant reminders of what a pony looks like.

2. You have a habit of repeating words in your paragraphs. A good rule of thumb is most words are only usable once in a paragraph. (Words like I, she, and... are acceptable.)

3. Several times, you have paragraphs that jump around. Make sure there's a logical connection between each paragraph. This will avoid confusion. I do believe I mark the several instances.

4. You have a habit of using obscure words. You sound like you picked up a thesaurus and picked words at random to appear more intelligent. Often times, simple words will do. The only reason you should really use a thesaurus is when a word is starting to become repetative.

5. Ellipses: They are used in several cases. When there is a large pause, when a character cuts themselves off from speaking, and when a character is finishing a quote they already started. (Or when a quote has words before it in the same sentence, but they are irrelevent.) Don't end paragraphs with them. Lastly, remember to place a space after them, and don't capatilze the letter of the word afterwards unless it's supposed to.

6. Now, the characters:
Clockwork: Flat. We only learn a few things about him. We know he's brown, has a white mane, and his cutie mark. We know he has only one wing and red eyes. We know he's a wuss/emo. And that's about it. There is a good post in Vanner's thread about creating OCs. Go check it out. It's the first post after the OP: >>80961

Charger: A little less flat than Clockwork, but only just. We only know that she's orange all around. She carries a tazer with her. She can't stand bullies. She has no cutie mark. And that's about it. Maybe a few more odd tidbits. Again, check out Vanner's post.

Overall:

Can't say I really enjoyed reading this story. Flat characters, not much of a plot. Not much world building either. The chapter consists of Introducing Clockwork and Charger. One incident of bullying. And finally, they're best friends after a week. The characters weren't very memorable. Yeah... and I'm not really sure what the story is going to be out beyond the 'They're going to end up in bed' direction. give us more to go off of.

For this, I would suggest that you reoutline the story and rewrite the chapter. Keep trying, my good friend.

Also, consider retitling your story.

>>101379

Review in doc

Some things of note:

1. You seem to switch between en dashes and commas... a lot. Pick one and stick with it. Preferably commas. I'm no grammar expert and I won't pretend I am. But I'm pretty sure there are bunches of commas you could get rid of. Your best bet? Take this to ttg eventually and request a grammar nazi.

2. All those ellipses that end those one liners or those paragraphs. Often times, a period will do just fine. Other times, you'll want some sort of action to follow.

3. Your Rainbow Dash is in character for the most part. The only issue I have is at the end of chapter two when she becomes all mopey and Emo Dash. This seems to clash with canon. If you'll notice, the biggest example we have of her having a breakdown is at the Best Young Fliers Competition. And even then, it wasn't a sad breakdown, it was a 'Oh shit, oh shit! What have I gotten myself into?' type breakdown.

Overall:

Meh, this story isn't really doing it for me. Now wait, before you say anything, it isn't because of poor writing. It's because it's cliche. This idea's been done a hundred times over. SoarinxDash shipping? Go to fimfiction, do an advanced search with Soarin, Dash, and romance and I'm sure you'll have five pages of stories to sort through.

As with all cliche fictions, I pose this question. What are you going to do that will separate your story from the others?

Other than that, keep writing my good friend!

>>100821
Prologue
Mechanics are very good, and should be considering how many reviewers you've run this through. Barlow doesn't get a whole lot of characterization outside of his obsession with Pomeroy. We don't see any motivation, or history outside of the Pomeroy thing. That said, he doesn't seem overly important in this chapter. It makes Pomeroy seem magnitudes more important to the story.

As for Pomeroy, his character is well done. You certainly capture the way he thinks about people well, and that is something rare. The crazed and deranged angle works for him, though I am not a fan of how severe it is. Consider this small idea: if a serial killer was so crazed, he/she wouldn't be able to control his/herself and have a higher percentage chance of being caught. Most serial killers act, in public at least, fairly normal. Now, considering that, if he has been on the run for months, then he certainly could have been driven mad.

For scenes, I'll just use a cop out and say that I agree with Nick. Switching away from Pomeroy's perspective as he starts the portal-ceremony-sacrifice-whatever really kills all the tension.

Chapter 1
Ugh, where to begin. The entire first half of the fic is spent telling us that he has arrived, which isn't bad. It gives Twi and Luna reasons to be suspicious. Overall, the chapter is cohesive and well done. You do skirt gore with the murder at the end, and that is certainly enough to scare a lot of people away. I suggest ending it a bit earlier. The key to skirting the edge like this is to let the reader fill in the details.


Chapter 2
Completely underwhelming. The flashback only serves to show the enmity between Barlow and Pomeroy, and even then it is meager in that regard. The rest of the chapter is fighting the manticore and then passing out. It really doesn't capture me the way the others have. One last issue: what the fuck man? Pomeroy becomes a pony, but Barlow doesn't? You have a lot of explaining to do, and even then I would bet that your logic isn't very sound. Also, cut down on some of your descriptions. I know you're trying to avoid the gore, but you took it a little too far. We don't need to see so much blood, and we REALLY don't need to see the meat in the manticore's teeth.

Chapter 3
Well, I don't know what to say. The shipping, and yes when you have two characters romantically involved at any level it is shipping, is forced and unneeded. Cut it from the plot, it is tangential and doesn't add anything. In fact, I think I know what you're doing with it. You're going to kill Big Mac/Rainbow Dash later and use the shipping to ramp up the effect. But it won't work all that well because our main protagonists are Twilight and Barlow, only one of which has somewhat of an interest in the relationship, and even then it would only be in a way that consoled the living partner. It'd take a shit ton of doing, and you'd have to rewrite the shipping as it is now, to pull it off. Cut it, and focus on the dark killer shit.

Now, I want to address one thing: your repeated submissions to Equestria Daily. Yeah, this isn't going up there. And if my understanding is right, it never will. It isn't your grammar. It isn't your story telling. Those are both good, if skirting the edge a bit. It is your content. Quite simply, Equestria Daily isn't going to put up a fic like this. That is not to say it isn't good, I like parts of it, but they aren't going to post something so dark and bloody. Sorry dude, it just aint going to happen.

Also, I lied. I don't see why this needs to be humans. I'll just cite what NickNack said in his review, though I'll add one thing. Instead of humans, consider using ponies or some sort of shape-shifting monster. It'd cut out the shitty HiE element (it is inherently shitty) and take away some of the stigma this has.

>>103483

Thanks for walking through the first two chapters with me, Lunar. It's fun doing it live, despite GDoc's quirks. I think there was a good bit of improvement as a result. Your comments have been preserved through the Review link in the document - at least the ones that weren't resolved immediately.

1) I've tried to keep my dash use confined to style guide regulations. (Not to say I won't break a rule now and then.) :)

2) I removed a bunch of those. A few remain inside dialog or thoughts as is common in novels.

3) Dash's emotional state at that point in the story is very similar to her state in the Best Young Flyer Competition, but not as immediate. In both cases she is very unsure about her ability. The competition was imminent and her insecurity took the form of extreme nervousness.

In this story she has the same problem, but magnified to a much larger scale and farther in the future. Instead of becoming nervous, it settles in as dread. The more time one has to mull over shortcomings, the bigger those shortcomings will appear.

Anti-spoiler: Performing as a Wonderbolt in the biggest venue they have, in front of thousands... After the BYF Competition, would she even be able to take to the air in that situation? Or would she be completely petrified?
Actual spoiler:She won't even get that far. Nothing goes as planned for Dash in this story. I do my best to break her down let her put herself back together—hopefully stronger than before—as many times and in as many ways as I can. She has SO many more challenges ahead.

So here she is juuust starting to realize what she's gotten herself into. Her dream conflicting with her own lack of inner confidence, visible between the cracks in her blustering outer confidence.

I don't know if I'd call her few moments of doubt emo, but she's terrified, through and through, and only starting to realize just how much.

That said... Maybe I can improve my depiction of her thoughts at that time. All that description HERE does nothing for the story. :D

4) Cliche DashxSoarin. This isn't a shipping fic. If even hints at shipping make it one, I shall remove the hints. And have now done so.

Please take a look at the last full page of chapter 2 again, if at all possible. I think I've managed to preserve what I wanted the scene to be about, and removed every trace of shipping.

Except for the comforting wing-over-back. That's still there. I just can't see that as erotic, since for a four-footed person with wings, it's a whole lot easier to throw a comforting wing around someone, blanket-like, than to use a leg. Softer and more comfortable too. But head canon is head canon. Bu if you can ignore THAT, let me know what you think of the rest. ;D

And with that, I thank you heartily for the review. I'm always sad that reviewers never make it to chapter three and beyond, because that's when all the best stuff starts happening. But I can say this: With your help, and the help of other fine reviewers here on ponychan, the first two chapters are getting better and better.

>PIC: The only pony shipping I'll have in this story.

>>103498
Hmm, thanks for the sage advice, friend.

1. On the RD/Big Mac thing. No, that is NOT where I'm going with it. I have something completely different in mind. Though, I agree it seems a little... superfluous at the moment. I put it in there because I find the ship cute, and I wanted the challenge of writing a relationship. It will tie into the main plot in a big way further down the line. Or, it would have...

2. I agree, upon further reflection, that I could do this without humans and the story would be a little more simple. Even taking into account the further plot developments in the works, nothing really major would have to change if I made Barlow a normal OC pony. Sure, I'd lose some of the culture clash of humans and ponies, but I guess that's an acceptable loss. I'm debating on if I should do a major rewrite or not. I DO want to get to EqD. I just feel it's a major goal I want to attain, a kind of acknowledgement of my hard work. Plus, I want people to read my story, and the only way to really ensure that is to make it there. I can put the whole thing on FIMFiction, but it's no guarantee that anyone will read it. On that note...

3. I disagree they wouldn't post it because of gore. Examples:
A) The Night That Never Ended- No less than three ponies have been beaten to death on screen, and Fluttershy kills a bunny. FLUTTERSHY. KILLS. A BUNNY that right there is more OOC and gory than anything I've written.
B) Silent Ponyville- Numerous depictions of Cupcakes-level violence.
C) Pony Space- They torture Fluttershy, and Derpy loses an eye. 'Nuff said.
And as for gore in my story, so far we have a small description of a dead child (pretty up there, I admit, but nothing over the top, really. Just one sentence), the moments right before a murder of a background pony, and the death of a wild animal. Again, not too big, I feel.

Thank you for the kind words you offered. Every now and then I get slightly emo about writing this. Like, what's the point if only ten people ever read it? Why put myself through the stress of writing and the trouble of getting beat-down by editors? But then I get people who say they like my take on the HiE angle. But as you said, it's an uphill battle. I might have bitten off a bit more than I can chew for my first story ever, but it's the story I wanted to tell. Now I just need to decide if it NEEDS humans, which I think it might not.

>>101821

Review of the first few pages in doc. And yes... I am dropping this. The mistakes are just too big and numerous for me to actually review. It'd get to the point where comments would taper out due to me refusing to comment on repeat mistakes.

So, have some things of note:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LuS): You have it. It is using coat/mane colour, specific traits of established characters, or character race to describe who's doing what. Use pronouns. Use their name. But don't go around repeatedly saying things like 'The purple unicorn looked at her friend'. This was an issue in the first few pages, and I don't see why it wouldn't be an issue for the other pages to come. Fix it.

2. Holy hell are you passive. You're so passive that it makes Fluttershy seem aggressive. So many 'X was Y' sentences. There are better ways to write it. I.E. "Twilight was pre-occupied with dishes and wouldn't be able to go to the party if she didn't finish." (Passive) Switch to "Twilight furiously scrubbed dishes as she tried to hurry and finish so she could go to the party." (Better) This is an issue that I am sure will continue through the whole story. You'll need to go through and try to catch as many as you can.

3. Info dumps: You take time out of your writing to tell us huge bunches of information that are either unneeded or would do better in other places. An example would be you dragging us through the descriptions of each character. It's not just a "Sonic the blue hedgehog" type descriptions, which I would be slightly more okay with. It's "I think there's the possibility that you're an idiot, so here, Tails has two tails and can use them to fly" type descriptions. Seriously, the majority of your readers would be fans of both the pony fandom and the Sonic fandom. Most will be familiar with who Tails is and who Eggman is, etc... And for the readers you catch who aren't familiar with the Sonic universe, you don't need to slap us in the face with the information. There will be time to explain what each character is and what makes them unique. Don't baby us please. I did not go through school to be treated like a child.

4. He said, he said, he said. The speech tags should be gone for the most part. The quotation marks will tell us there was dialogue. What comes after will tell us who spoke and how it was said. Often, an action will do well. Please, we are aware that there was dialogue.

Overall:

As of now, there is no way this is ready to be shown to anyone other than those that traverse FF.net. I can't say there's anything hooking me in either. It's a party with info dumps... woohoo. Sarcasm ahoy, mateys!

You're writing this for two fandoms, right? I would suggest having two versions of the story. A pony version with the first few chapters rearranged to start with the pony. The rest of the chapters would be arranged accordingly. And then have a Sonic version that starts as is and continues as you probably have it planned.

Now for the bad news: I suggest you scrap what you have and completely rewrite the chapter. If they reviewer, who's supposed to endure whatever you throw at him, can't get passed the first few pages, the readers won't get much further.

So, good luck my friend. And yes, I enjoyed the Sonic TV show. I was a light fan, but did nothing in the fandom. And no, this really isn't cutting it for me.

>>101265
Wow... what to say? Um, let me sum it up: this story ain't going anywhere in it's current incarnation. A quick listing of the reasons.

1) Your phrasing is weak and passive everywhere. I suggest you look at what nouns are important to the sentence and what verbs can be used to make it better.

2) Luna is a flat statue, and Celestia is bipolar. Your characters have little to nothing interesting about them as written.

3) Your plot is just teenageish Celesita is angsty over an action that has repercussions. You haven't introduced anything, and by this point you should have shown at least some inkling of a further plot. So far, you have spent two chapters on building this angsty Celestia that you are doing nothing with.

4) Explanations. In the second chapter, you mention more about where Celesita and Luna came from, but offer nothing in the way of explanation. You give us these hints but don't give us anything in reference to them. Unless this is a story about them being "anomalies" you don't need to bring it up. Basically, unless you're doing this as an origin story, discard the excess fat.

>>104677

First of all, I kinda owe you a bit of an apology. I was working on this fic hardcore before I went on vacation, then while I was on vacation, I had a bolt of inspiration for another story I was working on. This, combined with Seattle_Lite telling me to rewrite huge chunks of the story, hse caused me to put this story on the backburner. I actually forgot it was in your queue. This is my fault, and I should have let you known that I've moved on from the story at this point in time.

However, I WILL come back to it eventually. And I WILL make it good. I don't care how long it takes. I've rethought huge chunks of the story and characterization. I've also done a bunch of writing and reading since I got home from vacation, and I like to think I've improved a good bit recently. I actually feel bad that you had to wade through this muck that I wrote a month ago. Again, I'm sorry I did not alert you about these circumstances before. I honestly forgot. Your remarks will not go to waste.

However, still allow me to reply to your review, if only to help me put your advice to work in future writing that I do, not just this story.

Your first two points are absolutely true. Nothing to argue with there. When I do get back to writing this, my new story opener will address the poor characterization, as well as give more back story.

I guess I didn't envision Celestia being "angsty," since I thought her behavior was justifiable given that she just murdered a ton of ponies on accident, but maybe it was a bit too over the top? Maybe I'm just being dumb, but I don't think getting upset over that sort of thing makes a pony "bipolar." As far as her getting upset over an action that has repercussions, I think her reaction was very understandable. If that sort of thing happened to you, do you think you'd just be able to go "Whoops, I accidentally killed a bunch of people, sorry about that"? Her action has MASSIVE repercussions, not "I accidentally broke a window and don't want to own up to it" repercussions. So while I agree her character DEFINITELY needs work, I will have to disagree with you a bit on the point of her being angsty.

Now, your fourth point. This IS intended to be an origin story. Again, my new intro, when I get to writing it down the line, will make this more clear.

This is the main thing gnawing at my head: what are some methods of introducing backstory without being too blunt or breaking flow? Flashbacks and dialogue, I'm assuming? Exposition is still one area I need to work on.

Well, I think that's everything. Again, I'm sorry you had to hack through this mess of writing I just dumped in your lap. I just did a quick read through of the chapter, and I'm honestly embarrassed. I'm better than this now. So thank you for giving this the thrashing it deserved, and I hope you didn't waste too much time looking at it.

Title: The Eighth Passenger
Tags: [parody] [sci-fi]
Synopsis: Parody of the 1979 science-fiction horror film "Alien". Follows the plot and setting of the film, but the protagonists of FiM (and Derpy), along with their associated characterizations, replace the film's cast.

Currently, 3 chapters covering about 1/3 of the material (so an estimated 9 chapters total when it is complete.)

Google Docs link:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mN1AS_6SDOufjtenfigWujg4vKGvsa1oALAYh5TbuXw/edit

As per the recommendations from EqD, I'm looking for an in-depth review of my in-progress fiction, as the pre-reader corps simply doesn't have the time to give every fic dedicated, thorough feedback.

To give some details of myself and understand where I am coming from:
I am NOT a writer, as in, I don't consider writing my craft and have no aspirations for it. I DO write... it's something I've done for a long time, but as an enjoyable pastime. I discovered long ago that I don't have the drive or passion of a dedicated writer, though. I write for entertainment in the same way most people play a video game for entertainment.

The main effect this probably has is that my writing manifests weakly from a technical standpoint. And as far as the EqD feedback goes, that was a big concern.

Despite all this, I am interested in feedback. I don't have a serious concern with growing better as a writer, but that shouldn't be misconstrued as a lack of interest. Doing things like uploading writing to the internet, submitting it to EqD, etc., are all done because they're complimentary; there's no harm in trying. The absent of drive just means I really lack the ability to foresee where I can carry things. I could receive the most incredible feedback in the world and maybe it would help me. Or maybe it wouldn't. There's no way to know without trying, and I can't see it being NOT entertaining to try.

Thank you for consideration and time!

- Zurock

Alright, I'm not entirely sure how this whole Chan thing works, but i'll but a post here

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/31624/Immortal-Time

My story Immortal Time. A one shot, sad, slice of life... still working on it, but is nearly done, should be finished in 24 hours, no promises though.

It's been a long time... annd we still have over a decade to go luna.. .where did i go wrong...

My name is princess celestia, here i have written a small colection of my thoughts, vary of daily problems to... that event. Mainly that event. Basicly this is a look though my eyes. If you have found this, I implore you to read it.

I hope you'll be able to proof read and reivew this when it's done.

It's the first time i used pony chan... and it's 6 in the morning... night.. kind of.

Alright, I'm not entirely sure how this whole Chan thing works, but i'll but a post here

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/31624/Immortal-Time

My story Immortal Time. A one shot, sad, slice of life... still working on it, but is nearly done, should be finished in 24 hours, no promises though.

It's been a long time... annd we still have over a decade to go luna.. .where did i go wrong...

My name is princess celestia, here i have written a small colection of my thoughts, vary of daily problems to... that event. Mainly that event. Basicly this is a look though my eyes. If you have found this, I implore you to read it.

I hope you'll be able to proof read and reivew this when it's done.

It's the first time i used pony chan... and it's 6 in the morning... night.. kind of.

>>106223

I'm sorry. One, you did not read their OP. Two, I'm pretty sure this is a dead thread.

I haven't seen either posting around on Ponychan in a long while.

>>106226
Oh for bloody sake... I'll have to see somethimg else then

Okay guys. Heyo. I did read the messages of the other two, but I just wanted to ask for myself:

Are you guys still here, and if so, are you willing to review Earthside? If so, I'll be done P3 of Shadow Protocol sometime next week.

>>106922

I think I've seen LunarShadow post once since the last review. I wouldn't be surprised if neither Kurbz or LunarShadow actually check pchan unless it's an absolute necessity.

Seriously, I think they're pretty much gone from the scene.

Alright bitches. I'm back for a time. I decided I don't like leaving this unfinished, so I'm back to finish up the queue, maybe more but don't fucking bet on it. Things to be expected: I don't give one shit about how you feel, and I'll review till I want to slap you. For now, queue is closed by me and any other requests should be sent to my email. Now, down to business.

>>104732
Queued.

>>106223
*** addressed you.

>>106922
Email and see if one of us gives two shits.

>>107267
Uh... Heads up, I think your email got botted. I've gotten two messages from it that look like spam.

>>107406
Taken care of.

ATTENTION ALL INTERESTED PARTIES! THIS THREAD IS NOW OPEN TO RECEIVING STORIES FOR REVIEW!

That's right, you heard me correct! Kurbz and I have decided that we are ready to press forward with this thread. As usual, please read the OP before posting

As of now, the queue has been cleared. To all those who were in queue, we are deeply sorry we never got to you. Feel free to resubmit, but everyone has been removed as of now.

Please note that there is one major change:

Instead of us both reviewing a story, we will be doing claims. Check the queue on a regular basis to see if either Kurbz or myself has committed to reviewing your story.

LET THE FUN BEGIN!

Yay, you're back! Got a new one for ya.

Title: Under A Luminous Sky: Chapter Three- The Devil You Know
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, Mystery
Synopsis: Tragedy strikes Ponyville when a body is discovered on the outskirts of the Everfree. As the townsponies grieve, an enigmatic stallion arrives at Ponyville Library, dispatched by the Princess herself. When more blood is spilled, Twilight and her friends, along with this strange pony, must work together to solve this puzzle before it's too late.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AXWvZ7xTNuj1PTk9ZB4-A8_NVMsH8l3IMnAEUSHRn5w/edit

>>110142

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You still have issues with PoV. If Twilight has her eyes closed, she cannot see the cracks forming in the rock. Things like that.

2. The mood of your characters seem to really bounce. Twilight starts hopeful, moves to annoyed, then to perfectly friendly, eventually suspicious, then accepting. All this at the drop of a hat. She's OoC. I think you're going for a mood like that ground zero episode where Twilight misses a letter to the Princess. Go rewatch it.

3. You miss some important things, like the library being closed. Yet, you go into extreme detail about Twilight's experiment. Also, that letter. It infopukes on us stuff that isn't relevant yet. In fact, it appears to be in there purely for filler words. How much of it do we really need to know. I would cut it down to Twilight just thinking about certain parts. I.E. Have her agree that it's been all to long since she's seen him. Have her chuckle at the thought of Cadence writing his speeches.

Overall:

Meh, this chapter sorta falls under the catagory of "I have a bunch of information that I want to tell readers, so I'll put it into one chapter and get it out of the way". Nothing really happened than introducing the OC. Give the chapter more meaning! Make things happen. Sprinkle what information we need through the chapter, don't dump it.

>>110163
Wow, thanks for the quick turn around!

A few responses:

>The Letter
Yeah, I know. I just wanted to do a little world building. I thought about just having the narrator summarizing it, but that felt "telly" to me. Should I do that instead?

>One, he's with the RIS. He probably knows all about Ponyville. Two, the hospital isn't exactly hard to find. It's whole purpose would be defeated if it were.
Yes. But, if you read that previous chapter, Celestia wants the agent to keep a close eye on Twilight. So he's making a reason for her to stay near him.

>Twilight's attitude towards Bentgrass
Okay, yes, he's a government official. But how would YOU treat an FBI agent who broke into your house? I respect the system as much as the next guy. Hell, I AM the system. But under those circumstances, if it were me, he'd be looking at the business end of a shotgun.

>The R.I.S./F.B.I/I.R.S.
I was actually going for the N.S.A. Most people, if you ask what the N.S.A. does, they might say something about spies, but they don't really know.

Also, I kind of feel I should have asked you to read the first couple of chapters first. The R.I.S. IS the office that handles tax law and accounting, but they have a "secret" division, Division Six, that handles violent crime and unexplained phenomenon. But the way I see Equestria, violent crime isn't something that happens very often, so they wouldn't need a whole branch of government to handle it. Also, I get the feeling that no one likes to talk about it, it's something people try to forget, so it makes sense to me that Celestia would hide it beneath some layers of BS, namely, the tax office.

>Library being closed
Again, I'll give you this one. Changed!

>Canon is he shoots flames, they teleport whatever he breathed on to Celestia. Don't break canon here. Readers will throw a hissy fit.
True. However, this takes place a few years after season two. In my mind, Spike would have grown up enough to be able to control it. It's been done in numerous stories before, so I'm not too worried about backlash.

>Okay, she's a bit OoC by the way she treats Spike when he talks to her, and then suddenly normal.
Well, she's going through trauma. She lives in an almost utopian world, where bad things don't happen too often, and she stumbles across a mutilated corpse. That would through you for a loop.

>Bentgrass's accent
I picked up that readers get annoyed about reading accented dialogue. I figured it'd be easier to just describe it. My favorite book has a character with a Louisiana accent, and it's never directly said, just inferred by his place of birth and descriptions like I used. Should I just say screw it and write him like most write AJ?

>Lack of anything happening
Well, the point of the chapter is introducing Bentgrass and showing Twilight dealing with trauma. I thought I pulled it off.

Wow, I had to explain a lot. That's not a good sign...

But something tells me if you'd read the previous chapters, it might have made more sense. Still, some excellent points. Thanks as always, friend!

Hello,
Here I have my story Easy Flier.
Synopsis: Scootaloo had a fun filled fillyhood in Ponyville with her friends trying to earn their cutie marks. Now seventeen, Scootaloo, still without a cutie mark, is being pressured by her parents into a future she doesn't want. What will it take for her to find her calling? What adventures will she face? What places will she go? What ponies will she meet?
Tags: Adventure
Link: Chapter 1 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GeMkp84iga3Jooz_sK8Jpt9GfrBHmWxYnleuADtnNMw/edit
Chapter 2 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BQXx_e-ZWt7NzNn0LqhBner83paAIgF7F6guDerYgyU/edit
Total word count (for both chapters) is 6,290. This fic is unifinished.

Title: Lux Equestria.

Snyopsis: All Twilight wanted was to have a picnic with her friends and mentor, but things are rarely that simple. After accidentally causing the revival of an old foe, Twilight and her friends are forced into playing a game of hide-and skeek involving the Elements of Harmony... which takes place seven years in the future. Friendships will be tested, hearts will break, lives will end and harmony will turn out to be a fickle thing indeed. Oh, and Daring Do teams up with Derpy.

Tags: Adventure, Dark, Sad, Shipping, Comedy.

This is a work in progress and I plan on it being quite a long one and I hope that's okay. I put comedy in the tags because I try to use a lot of humor in the dialogue and narrnation, especially in the earlier chapters, so I thought it should put it on there. Also, I'm new to GoogleDocs. I'm fairly sure comments are enabled but I don't know how to check that. If they aren't I'll try and find out how to enable them. I'm trying to get posted onto Equestriadaily and I'm on my last strike so I would really appreciate a review, with emphasis on grammar and syntax but any and all criticism is appreciated. Thank you.
Link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B3rqK-pmbspvbnMxSW4yX2phdDg/edit?pli=1

>>110183

> The letter
Having it in there is perfectly fine. Making us read through the whole thing is not the best course of action. What I suggest is that you choose the most important information. (I would pick Cadence is back, Shining Armor was promoted, and they want to visit.) It would go something like this. 'Twilight gets the letter. You show us her reading it. She mentions to Spike that Cadence is back from her peace tour and that as soon as Shining can get a day off from his duties as general, they want to visit with the foals. Remember that placing action around that will also help advance the story.

> But, if you read that previous chapter
Would have helped. But meh, it works. Also, he's with the government, he could just order her to follow him. Also, they have a common goal. Twilight is law abiding and the agent is investigating the death of Berry. Seems like a good reason to follow him when he asks. But that may be because I'm rational and she isn't quite.

> In my mind, Spike would have grown up enough to be able to control it
Meh... iffy on that one. I'm going by the wiki here and it doesn't mention anything about him developing his green flame. However, it doesn't say he can't either. I tend to lean towards no development because it seems more like a spell given to him by Celestia.

> That would through you for a loop
Yes that would. But even in the Ground Zero episode, her attitude slowly degrades from normal Twi' to crazy Twi', and then her actions are consistent. She just comes off as bipolar in this chapter.

> write him like most write AJ?
Yes please.

> the point of the chapter is introducing Bentgrass and showing Twilight dealing with trauma
Very lightly. The majority of the chapter said, "I'm haunted by the death of Berry, but here's a letter. You showed us very little of what she was actually thinking/feeling. It feels rushed. And then the agent at the end? That's the part where your chapter does well. You'll have to explain more, but I feel we got enough for the moment.

Yeah, if you have to stop and explain things, it probably means you should tweak it, even if just slightly. Write on!

>>110265
You're in queue, but before anything happens, I want you to do some things. One, comments aren't enabled. Two, you linked us to a .docx which is weird as hell. Three, you have 98 pages. Very few reviewers would actually go through all 98 pages. So I'm gonna walk you through setting this up in an acceptable format:

1. Go to Google.
2. Go to Google Drive.
3. Create a document.

That should create a basic document which will be in an acceptable format.

4. Copy paste one (1) chapter into this document. Make a new document for chapter 2, etc...

5. Go to share in the upper right-hand corner of the document.
6. Move the dot from private to anyone with the link.
7. Under "who can access", there is a slot saying anyone who has the link can view. Click on the blue link and change that to comment.

Also, your formatting is a tad weird in the fact that you have your spacing set to 2 so there's a line between lines. Set it to 1.15. (Or if you just personally put a space between each line, remove it. It'll make your story look less formidable.)

I can't guarantee we'll get through the whole thing, or even through chapter 2, but one of us will help.

As for grammar, neither of us are exactly grammar nazi's, but we'll catch what we can. Try this app to catch basic mistakes. It'll help in the long run: >>102154

Good luck! I'll check back later to see if you've changed things up for us.

>>110259
Lunar claimed this in the queue, but I'm stealing it. Resolve the comments from a month and more ago, and I'll hop to it.

As this queue is open again, I'd like to re-enter my original submission, if possible. Here are the details again.

Title: The Eighth Passenger
Tags: [parody] [sci-fi]
Synopsis: Parody of the 1979 science-fiction horror film "Alien". Follows the plot and setting of the film, but the protagonists of FiM (and Derpy), along with their associated characterizations, replace the film's cast.
4 chapters currently complete of an estimated 8 or 9.
Google Docs link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mN1AS_6SDOufjtenfigWujg4vKGvsa1oALAYh5TbuXw/edit


ORIGINAL POST:
>>104732

As always, thank you for your time and any consideration or feedback.

-Zurock

[Title] From the Mouths of Fillies
[Tags] Sad
[Synopsis] Not everything is as it seems when Dinky visits her mother in the hospital.
[Link] https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c-EbYZHvtDFo8CfWLDunSplPB1LqM1G5YcgCW9iIv2A/edit

To whom it may concern:

I offer my story, "From the Mouth of Fillies for your consideration. My overall goal with this story is to secure a place in the Pony Fiction Vault; I recognize that this is no small ambition, and as such, I ask that you crucify my fic wherever it needs it.

If I have made any mistake, blunder, or faux paus, however minor, please let me know.

Thank you,

Comma-Kazie.

>>110286
Okay, I fixed it up. I hope this is what you wanted and that you enjoy Lux E!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gnYC-zqB3lpKP_Qtr3EJ8cPkMEYowTQqe8FYzrt3QSc/edit

>>110337
Alrighty, it's all good to go!

>>110522

Review in doc.

Somethings of note:

Well, I'm dropping this right now. Why you ask? Because I'm going to recommend you rewrite this story from the ground up. In it's current state and even with my help, or the help of a dozen reviewers, it's not going to make it up onto EqD anytime soon. No use blowing your last strike right now.

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: using mane/coat colour, profession or talent, or race of a pony to tell us who's doing what. Don't do this. We know that Rarity is that white and purple unicorn. We know that Spike is the little dragon. Things like that are a no-no. Use pronouns.

2. You have an issue with the one character acting per paragraph. If you're going to have a character do a significant action, that character needs it's own line/paragraph. Mostly, you have the start of the next paragraph placed with the end of the previous paragraph.

3. Commas: You're going to need a grammar nazi for this one. I know how they work, but my explanation is rather lacking. My advice is to google the rules and look on a trusted site. Other than that, read sentences outloud and listen for the pauses. That's usually where a comma will go.

4. Your prologue is rather lacking. It tells us all of two things over a page, and then cuts off. You could either really extend it or just cut it and sprinkle the information in it around the first chapter. I suggest extending it like this:

>Discord goes over why his plan failed previously.
>Discord goes over his next plan and talks about how he can use the flaw in the EoH to escape.
>He talks to this mysterious evil that might be interested in joining him.
>Hint at him escaping to imply that the EoH are indeed vulnerable.

5. The way you tell your story, you have a lot of narration. It's as if you're in the story pressing pause and play to tell us the story. You aren't. Much of this can be taken care of with action from the characters or their dialogue and interactions with others. Don't personally tell us the story, write the story through the characters.

6. You have questions in your story that are phrased in such a way that you're asking the reader to answer. They didn't come to answer questions, they came to read. 90% of those questions should be rewritten to be in dialogue (I.E. A pony asking another pony.) or in thought. (A pony asking him/herself.) It's smoother and allows for an easier transition into the next part of your story.

Overall:

The hook could be better. I wasn't too terribly impressed with an info dump for a prologue. However, I can see where you're going with this. You're throwing together a "what if all the evils combine" type scenario. It's just poorly executed at the moment. Like I said, I highly suggest rebuilding from the ground up on this story. Focus on the first chapter first, then get that reviewed, get that down, and then focus on chapter two. Writing multiple chapters is nice, but right now, you'd just be piling more work on yourself than you'd want to work on at one time.

Good luck!

Hello mates, how are you doing this fine night? Lovely isn't it? Anyways, I'd like you to review a story of mine. It's kinda still in the planning stages for now, kinda a rough draft. I have an idea of where I want to ultimately take the story, but before I go and write ten chapters I want to know if my current writing style and stuff is good, and my grammar is decent.


[dark] [Adventure] [sad-ish]

Title: Pending. (naming things Not exactly my thing xD)

Synopsis: Rune is a criminal of the worst sort, he's a murderer, conpony, and generally not a very nice pony. He annoyed the princesses on a daily basis, and his skill with the darker arts of magic didn't help either. However, he is betrayed and ends up having to start his life over in Las Pegasus. A year later, the Royal Guard tracks him there, and he is forced to flee across a desert to a small town called Silent Hoof Oasis. There he will attempt to start his life over again. His general bad attitude and introverted tendencies will make it hard, but a ghost from his past will see that he has no time to rest. He must now save the small town from a gang of murderers and thieves, and battle his own demons at the same time. He recounts the tale to his daughter one night before a meeting with the Canterlot Ambassador.

However, in the present, things are becoming more unstable in Equestria. New and wondrous technology is being developed at alarming speeds thanks to a very important scientific discovery, and the threat of an attack on Equestria by an unknown enemy becomes ever more apparent. Luna and Celestia push for global peace to help with this threat they know is all too real, but the other nations of Equestria aren't as eager to ally themselves with the peaceful ponies, the only who seem willing to help are the strange new creatures that inhabit a newly found continent that was recently discovered.

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rqXv4Bc2oCKNOy902HOJuXXRzK_F0eXzzQBKES_9iq0/edit

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yewb6CxGMZ01OIEztMMocl7GRD17yiyeLGDFbMvL3bE/edit

The story takes place both in the past in the present. More so in the past during the first part, but the past will eventually catch up to the present, and every single detail from the past is going to be important, at least I'm going to try and make it that way. What can I say, I have high aspirations xD

So review the two chapters at your leisure. Tell me if It's any good at all, or If I should just do a complete rewrite, or just scrap the idea completely.

Dear Kurbz,
I noticed that in the queue the link for my story is the first chapter. Are you going to do both chapters at once, or do one chapter first, then have the second chapter later on in the queue?

>>110710

We just link to the first chapter. It's how it is with all stories. He'll get to as many as he gets to. And honestly, I couldn't give an accurate number. The link is just so we have something in gdocs under your name.

Hello, gentlemen. Rest easy, this’ll be a short one.

I’ve already submitted this to the Training Grounds, but I figure it won’t hurt to cast a wider net while I wait for it to cycle through that thread’s queue. Besides, you can always use more feedback, right?

Title: Star-Crossed - Prologue

Tags: [Adventure],[Normal]

Synopsis: A mysterious figure steals into Canterlot Castle in the dead of night, setting a chain of events in motion that will affect not just the Mane Six, but will ultimately decide the doom of all of Equestria.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16eobzl74GXtc_9tfJK3LNbZjh13ThyB4J8f1fLVg6ic/edit

Like I said, this is a short submission, clocking in at only 2434 words. It’s just the prologue, after all. I’m mostly concerned with gauging readers’ initial reactions to the story. Does it grab one’s attention? Are my characterizations solid? Does anything strain the suspension of disbelief?

I look forward to your responses. Thanks in advance!

>>110684
First of all, I want to thank you for taking the time to review my work and for offering your criticisms. Scrapping the prologue was something someone suggested to me a while back, but now that two other people have come to the same conclusion I have to agree that it is unnecessary. The whole reason I succumbed to LUS was because I felt that using pronouns too much would start to get annoying, but I think you definately have a point. Commas and semicolons were the reason I kept getting rejected from EqD. I put them wherever I thought there should be a pause but my perception was wrong too frequently. The narration was supposed to be coming from the perspective of Twilight, not from a disembodied voice. The questions were meant to be her thinking to herself and not the narrator asking the reader. So thank you for bringing my attention to that issue. Thinking on it I was really dumb for trying to do that while writing in third person. I agree with you that the prolouge is unnecessary and so I've deleted it. I also decided to take your advice about a rewrite. I want to keep the charm I had, or at least attempted to have, with the original but have a more interesting introduction and tense atmosphere. Thank you very much, I deeply appreciate your assistance.
Sincerley,
JJN Whitley

>>110710
>>110713
Yeah, if you put in more than one link per cell the links don't work. Aside from going to the bank and a feed store tomorrow I should be able to get yours and maybe 8th Passenger done (might not if the movie is on Netflix).

To the two new stories: I'll edit y'all into the sheet in a few hours. From there it shouldnt take too long.

>>110518

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. The biggest issue is that you start with first person telling and then suddenly, you add dialogue as if it were third person. Pick one or the other and stick with it. I would highly suggest sticking with the 1st person telling journalistic feel. With dialogue, your story loses a lot of the innocence you give Dinky and the story just isn't as powerful.

2. You have Dinky living with Rainbow Dash, correct? How? Dinky is a unicorn and can't walk on clouds. That makes it awfully hard for Dinky and Dinky's sister to live with Rainbow Dash. I would recommend changing out Rainbow Dash for a unicorn. It could be Rarity (Who would probably adopt the two because similar pony race and the fact that she's the element of generosity.). It could also be a background unicorn. That'd be harder, but doable.

3. You have a small issue with determining if things should be past tense or present tense because they're ongoing. I point out the few I saw, but I may have missed some. Make sure to go through and make sure everything refers back to events properly. (The biggest one was > which was kinda weird... The issue there being was should be is because Dinky thinking that event is weird is an ongoing action.)

4. Scene breaks. Make sure you have them if there's a significant lapse in time or a significant change in scenery that you don't naturally work up to. I point out one, but there's probably another. Another review would probably catch any other scene breaks you should have.

Overall:

Maybe I'm just a heartless bastard, but the emotional impact this had was very small. Like I said earlier, the dialogue where Rainbow Dash and others speak instead of implied speech really took away from the story. Your story hinges on a foalhood innocence that's taken away when you try to come as close as possible to telling us what's actually going on. The sadness comes from the fact that Dinky is so innocent, but we as the reader can infer what she does not. This whole piece had a journalistic feel. Take out the dialogue and replace it with implied speech for more feels.

Also, the emotion showed by the other ponies because they know what's going on fell really flat. They all had the same base emotion and that's it. That's fine, but there needs to be more. Fluttershy might become withdrawn, Rainbow Dash might start acting erratic, Rarity might become melodramatic, Pinkie Pie might revert to that crazy depressed Pinkie. Stuff like that has much more emotional impact than "They cried a lot".

You have a nice story that had feels, but it was nowhere as powerful as it could be. Work on the emotional side of things and you could have a good sad story on your hands. I wish you luck!

Oh, and one last thing before I go. Retitle your story. It implies that we're going to get multiple perspectives when we don't. I suggest "From the Mouth of a Filly".

>>110718

Short story, so I quickly plowed through it.

Anyways, review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You miss out on so much opportunity for thoughts. In fact, you have so many lines that should be thoughts, but aren't. You could show us much better what Shining is thinking. You could hint at who this mysterious pony is through his/her thoughts, but still leave us in suspense. Go through and double check and change parts to thoughts. Add thoughts. You could make the story that much better by adding thoughts.

2. Questions: you have several points where you ask me, the reader, them. Don't do this. Most of the questions are directed at the pony who's asking them. I.E. Thoughts.

3. Lavender unicorn Syndrome: You have a light case of it. You use mane/coat colour, talent, or pony race to describe who's doing what in several scenes. Use pronouns or their name.

Overall:

The suspense sort of fell flat without the thoughts... up until the last sentence. If I read on, it would be because I want to find out more on that particular subject.

The first paragraph and the next line afterwards are also narrated when you could delete them and re write them as part of the story without narrating it for me. Do this, please!

Otherwise, your prologue is pretty good. Don't know why it couldn't be a chapter 1 since it seems to directly relate to the story to come, but whatever.

Keep writing my good friend!

Hey y'all,

I've already got two strikes from EqD. I submitted this to the Training Grounds some time ago, got a review, and thoroughly revised based on said review. Now I'm submitting again for another round of Ponychan reviews before I send this in for the third and final time.

So, I'll put this here while I wait for the Training Grounds to get around to me, because frankly I could use all the help I can get.

Thanks

Title: Spike's Story
Author: Quintus
Tags: [Normal]

Synopsis: A visit from Twilight's parents prompts Spike to investigate his own origins.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y5FwA8N74GAX2i-GBnEu_IYsvemDPlPwuGoJZQbOg6M/edit

This is a one-shot, please review in its entirety. (6445 words)

>>110765
Most of what you pointed out was a quick fix (I cannot BELIEVE I screwed up that bit with the word order), and what's left I'll tackle with my editors.

Thank you very much for taking the time to help me out with this story! I very much appreciate it.

Hey, I come from /mlp/
Can you tell me how bad this story is?
Title: Befriending Pinkamena
Dark, Mysterious, Humanized
Sypnosis:
You are Aanon. You messed up this time. You are now being held prisoner. But now, the boss of the guards has a special assignment for you. He wants you to befriend a certain pink haired girl. But something is.. off about her.

http://pastebin.com/u/Aanon

>>110781

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!?!

*Cough* Now that I've gotten that yelling out of my system... go read the rules. Your story isn't in queue until you do as the rules say. Specifically, rule 6, sentence one.

> Google Documents with comments enabled is a must.

Feel free to come back when you're done that.

Hey Lunar,

I see that you've queued my story, but you seem to have put someone else's synopsis in place of mine. Just a heads up.

>>110259
Chapter 1
So, basically this chapter is Scootaloo being angsty by a lake. It's an interesting take, but it doesn't go deep enough yet. We get a glimpse of her father trying to get her a job, but we don't see anything else. We see her thinking a lot, but damned if we know why. Essentially, you don't show her motivation well. That, and it lacks a lot of the emotional intrigue that a chapter this based on character desperately needs. You have good dialogue attributions for it, but rarely any of the body language I would expect, or the expressions. Basically, she sits there wailing and doing nothing with her body.

Issues:
>comments in doc
>lots of telling and little showing
>phrasing is questionable a lot.

Surprisingly clean on grammar (most telling has some serious grammar flaws too), but that's probably due to Nixon and Choco. Chapter 2 later today.

Chapter 2
You know, after chapter one I thought this could get better. It had a chance to redeem itself, but it fell flat. Let’s start out with the good: your grammar is clean from what I could tell. Well, that’s it for the good. Now, let’s look at the bad.

Your narration is choppy and has no flow, the characters don’t seem to act believably, Sun Shine is obnoxious, the descriptions are beige and boring, the phrasing of the piece is very poor, and quite honestly, this lost the focus of the Scootaloo-father relationship that held the drama before. For most of those, there is no quick fix. I suggest going and reading. Just grab good books from your local bookstore. George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire is good for this. But just go read, and as you read pay attention to the diction, syntax, and how the author creates the images.

The last point is the most distressing. You spend almost all of chapter 1 focusing on Scootaloo’s relationship with her father, and how that drove her away. You made it the source of conflict, and then in this chapter it disappears. As you try to bring in the Scootaloo-running-away conflict, you’re fighting your own story and set up as you do. Get the conflicts to flow, and pick one to focus on through both chapters.

>>110769

Thank you very much for your review. It was as brutally honest as I could have asked for.

Several points of yours had already occurred to me, but it was nice to have them confirmed. Now I have greater impetus to fix them. Anyway, some comments of my own, since I have a strange compulsion to put my thoughts down in text.

>You miss out on so much opportunity for thoughts.

A very thought-provoking thought. I’m not sure why I’ve just left the characters to wallow in my prose, but I’ll definitely fix that. As you said, that’ll help the suspense, and will probably help with Shining Armor’s characterization. Judging from your comments, I didn’t get the point across that he’s being a bit overly-protective, even paranoid.

>Lavender Unicorn Syndrome

I understood this to be the overuse of such language in describing the characters, which I thought I’d avoided. Now, I’m not debating the definition; I just hadn’t realized that any descriptors of that nature were such a taboo. That’ll definitely be changed.

I’m also thinking of giving a complete re-write to the beginning scene, given your reactions to it. I’ll also tweak the scene in Shining Armor’s apartment. When I started writing, I think I had it in mind to have the Princess summoning him to the castle after the fire had been handled, then I switched it for some (dumb) reason.

Thanks again. Would you be up for another review after I finish the second draft?

Title: The RED Cataclysm
Tags: [Comedy][Crossover][Dark][Human]
Synopsis: There's usually a cataclysm of some kind when the RED Team makes contact with another universe. As the Soldier, Pyro and Medic were quick to find out, MLPG4-Prime would be no exception. (Crossover with Team Fortress 2.)

If it's not too much trouble, could one of you take a look at Chapter 2 for me? The link is here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zqti4QLgLo70uHwwY1Kw6wOIQkN7JTNT6SloroJU5eM/edit

By the way, Chapter One's really more of a prologue. It introduces the human characters and builds up the world of TF2 a little, which is helpful if you're not familiar with the source material. I've already gotten Professor Hugbox to take a look at it, but if you want to read it before reviewing so you know what's going on, the link is here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lCRxle5BMVECVB-Z20_mOlW9g1dSatrJQfn2MU5ywvQ/edit

Thank you in advance for your time.

>>110782
How about now?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z5KFX3zAWzD7raor39ohWz_DpgnwWz0owxpokKkppZA/edit
Can you tell me how bad this story is?
Title: Befriending Pinkamena
Dark, Mysterious, Humanized
Sypnosis:
You are Aanon. You messed up this time. You are now being held prisoner. But now, the boss of the guards has a special assignment for you. He wants you to befriend a certain pink haired girl. But something is.. off about her.

>>110805

Yeah, we can. But I will tell you right now that your formatting is weird as hell. I've personally never seen a greentext story. But, we have nothing in the rules against it, so we'll eventually get to it.

Also, any reviewer you get out of /mlp/ (At least, this is the impression I get), will look at your format and go eww... You might want to consider taking a more common format.

Do you guys take super longfics? The guy who was reviewing me from the beginning (Vanner) no longer does reviews, and I've been leery of dumping 110k words on someone and asking them to review all of that AND new chapters.

>>110821

Well, we'd be willing to work with you, but not all 110k words at once. We'd probably work better if we just did 1 or 2 chapters at a time.

>>110822
Okay, then. I've been putting the chapters out in groups of two to four so far anyway. So I'll fire the first one to you.

[Title] The Age of Wings and Steel
[Tags] Adventure, Dark
[Synopsis] In the ancient land of Equestria, three hundred years after the fall of Princess Luna, the kingdom of the ponies finds itself on the brink of disaster. Political squabbles and personal grudges threaten to tear the country apart in a bloody civil war, and on the southern border of the kingdom a greater threat lurks: the remnants of the empire of the griffons seek revenge for the destruction of their ancient home. As Princess Celestia strives to keep her fragile nation from falling apart, she sends a young pony on a quest to the northern lands that border Equestria in order to gain their allegiance against the griffons. This unlikely messenger is Rye Strudel, one of the rarest breed of pony: a pegacorn, the stunted half-breed son of a guard and a baker. Rye must struggle to overcome his heritage and save Equestria... for if he cannot, there may be no home to come back to.

Chapters 1-4:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LXKG0kk6muj4BJUooEdtXOidCae5c1bdbHuz7Zd3GcY/edit

Forewarning you on the things everyone seems to hate in fics: lots of original characters, it does have darker elements as the story progresses (though I've done my best to make sure it never turns grimdark), and an "alicorn" character. So Caveat Lector.

>>110835
I like OCs and dark, so I'll break the rule (because I know Lunar wants it too) and we'll both work on it.

>>110705

I didn't catch this before, but your comments aren't enabled. As soon as you do that, I'll get to reviewing your story.

>>110773

Some things of note:

1. You have a nasty habit of sticking to he said, she said, with almost every piece of dialogue. It needs to stop. It needs to be broken up. You need to have a good mix of speech tags and dialogue without speech tags. For speech tags do more than just "[dialogue]" pony said. How did they say it? Did they mumble it? Did they grunt it? For dialogue without speech tags: often, your next sentence will tell us who spoke and how they spoke. Just make sure to get a good mix of both in.

2. You also have a habit of skipping over scenes. It's not cool. You could expand on those scenes to give us more insight into the story.

> After that, it was like a dam had broken. They caught up on everything, shared stories and made jokes—and all the while, I just watched, twirling the ice cubes around my empty glass.

> Starlight filled the time with some matter-of-fact questions to Twilight about what she had been doing in Ponyville

Scenes like these, and I'm sure you have several more of them scattered through the story, should be shown, not told.

3. That leads me into the next point. Your story is telly. You tell us that Pinkie Pie took their order, but you don't show us. It lacks the emotion and action that could be there. Things like her bouncing and pulling a notebook from nowhere. Half scribbling as she tries to keep up with their orders. Stuff like that. It isn't an issue in that scene only, it's an issue everywhere.

4. You add in a scene where Fluttershy comes in and she's OoC. Other than "Oh look, I want Fluttershy in this story too." it serves no purpose. I'm sure you mean to use it later on, but you could easily make use of it now and avoid the Chekhov's gun. Perhaps he overhears Pinkie and Fluttershy talking about something that gets him thinking about his own origins?

5. Speaking of origins. You take your damn sweet time getting to the story. Roughly half of it is spent on idle chatter between Twilight and her parents. Take time to try and work in him thinking about families and such. Perhaps he asks Twilight and she ignores the question because she's busy cleaning for the visit from her parents. Perhaps Twilight tells him to stop reading a book on dragons and he complains that he's still trying to find out who his parents might be. Stuff like that. Otherwise, you're just dragging us through meaningless banter.

Overall:

The concept from they synopsis is a good one. But you fail to deliever any semblence to that synopsis in the first part of your story. Readers will get bored and they will leave before finishing. That is not what you want. Work on that hook. I would recommend a near total rewrite. Essentially, tear the story down back to the bones (a rough outline) and rework it from there.

I would like to also point out that hasbro has already done a "Spike searches for his origins" episode. You need to do something that sets apart your story from the show and it needs to be something right off the bat. That'll tie in with a good hook.

I'm sorry I had to suggest a rewrite, but I sincerely believe in the long run, you will benefit from it. Take care and I wish you luck.

>>110705

And for you just in case you didn't see. I need comments enabled in your story before I can review.

So I'm looking for some help on this one, particularly in the grammar/formatting department. I got strike on EqD primarily over those issues, but if you want to do anything with content as well, you have my gratitude.

This is one of the issues the EqD reader hit me on, and it sort of just really confused me. The story is left 'aligned', which I thought meant the same thing as being left justified. I guess not(?). I submitted it to them via FiMfiction, and your only options there are centering and left alignment. Anyway, 'quote' is below.

'3) Inconsistent spacing. I'm fairly certain you're center-justifying this document. Don't. Justify it left, please.'

I've attached all three links below. Thank you very much for your time.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IlB4ZjqiNWysJRFLr_qrcsJ6HvIrUMnj3-3_Tbsveik/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cZ7YyRoe9FH8V_uSwCr1KUpcFGHfQtB55B35Bz-b9iU/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UrbSDuE18FTJQOKq_kMw6meN4ZISeVMrh_jj__uwTbw/edit

[Title] Where Loyalties Lie
[Tags] Dark, Adventure, and (eventually) Romance
[Synopsis]While accompanying a friend to Canterlot, Rainbow Dash stumbles upon a conspiracy against Princess Luna. Stopping it costs more than she could ever have imagined, stealing Dash's hopes and dreams and replacing them with a new and unwelcome future: the Honor Guard. As she confronts countless threats against Equestria, Rainbow is forced to decide: is protecting what she loves more important than getting what she really wants?

>>110892

First of all, thanks for looking at my story.

Second of all, damnit.

This story has been through about twenty drafts and two rewrites already. I really thought I had something good this time. Now I'm just wondering if I really have any hope as a writer. Damnit.

Just a note, as I probably should have noted this earlier: yes, I've seen Dragon Quest. This story was in the works before that episode was announced, and I decided to stick with it because, honestly, I thought I had something to offer that the episode didn't (e.g. Spike never actually learns where he came from in the episode). I decided not to adjust my story to accommodate developments seen in Season 2, rather I let my story stand as a sort of fanon alternative.

*Sigh* I'll see what the Training Ground has to say, and then... I'll see what I can do.

Thanks.

This is a review request to Jmozziel! It's about time I submit this already, so that I can get my story back up in the air. I've been working on this chapter since late January to February, but ever since February I've had a lot on my mind and I've found myself extremely busy. Now though I've found that I have a lot of free time on my hands, and there's nothing that's giving me writer's block due to worry. So without further stalling, here's the third chapter of Hell's Angels! And if you want to re-read to remember what happened, here are the first two as well, but you already reviewed them.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4484/1/Hell%27s-Angels/The-Prince-and-the-Unicorn
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4484/2/Hell%27s-Angels/The-Ambassadors-of-Chaos

And the third chapter that actually requires reviewing, https://docs.google.com/a/millenniumwow.com/document/d/1YreuSn3vliqPJSTik1Kothh4eLaQj9f0g6qiQDKqVk4/edit

>>110923
>Chapter 2
>facepalm
>looks at clock
>4:17 AM

>>110897

Apologies if I'm asking out of turn here, but did you miss my post, decide not to review it, or some other error? I got skipped over in your queue, is the only reason I'm asking. Also, I forgot to attach my cover image with the original request (which, I guess, everyone does in these threads), so here it is. Thanks to CunningFox on deviantart for the image.

Thanks a ton in advance,
-Loyal Liar

>>110932

That was my fault. I jumped at Zamoonda's post. I really enjoyed his story and wasn't really focused when I updated the queue. I'll add you in a few seconds.

Working on The 8th passenger at the moment. Edited in a few of my claims in the document. Also, going to take a few days off while I move.

>>110897
If you could, it'd help to have a pastebin copy ofthe entire rejection letter. That way which ever of us takes it will have a starting place to help you more specifically.

I'm sorry to say, but I can't go any further. I've left a ton of comments, but my browser is freezing with every new comment I leave. I've spent hours plodding through and commenting already, and my normally slow review speed is just going to get slower as I have to wait for the page to reload with each comment. However, I do think I know where most of your problems lie.

But first, I want to address your synopsis.
>Parody of the 1979 science-fiction horror film "Alien". Follows the plot and setting of the film, but the protagonists of FiM (and Derpy), along with their associated characterizations, replace the film's cast.
Okay, so what are you telling the readers here? Simple. You're saying "I took Alien and replaced it with ponies." That isn't interesting. There is no explanation for why these ponies are in this situation and hold the ranks they do. Just from this, it sounds like a search and replace crossover, and those are boring as shit. Why? Because if it is literally Alien-with-ponies, why don't I spend the time I'd spend reading your story watching Alien and/or MLP? It would be a much more interesting experience. You're asking the reader to ignore everything about the MLP universe except the base characterizations and just accept that they're in this new situation that doesn't mesh with the show at all. That doesn't fly. You have to give reasons, motivations, explanations for this stuff.

Now, onto the systematic issues.

Good
grammar was clean and shiny.
You have a detailed grasp of the setting in your mind

Bad:
Your writing lacks conciseness and is wordy
Massive Show and Tell issues
Narration is often choppy and lacks flow
Phrasing and syntax issues are everywhere
Pacing is as slow as a glacier at the start
Hook seems to be missing

Let's take them one at a time.

>lacks conciseness and is wordy
In writing fiction, you don't want to take the long way around to say something. You want to say it concisely and get it out there. Otherwise, you end up with long, sprawling sentences that the reader has to pick through, digging for a small piece of not very important information.This is tiring, and quickly loses the reader's interest. If Rarity gets out of bed, say so. Maybe she does it, and wavers a little. Some description is fine, but to spend a ton of words describing something is really quite wasteful and makes it hard to read for very long.

>Show and Tell
I won't tell you too much on this. Check the Editor's Omnimbus and Ezn's Guide (links in the sticky) for detailed explanation. Basically, it is a relationship between the action and the actor as defined by your sentence structure. The actor is part of the action, but isn't the active doer. Actors are doers, they should be doing the actions.

>Choppy narration
Your sentences don't flow together. The paragraphs are disjointed. Really, there is no linkage of ideas between each individual part of the piece. Words relate to each other, but sentences have some relation, but more often than not it was a jagged switch of ideas. That can be a good rhetorical technique, but in this case it wasn't even close. It was often and consistent and it detracted from the story.

>Phrasing and syntax
This is... one of the more common issues that bugs me. It's hard to describe, but simply put: the way you phrase the actions is awkwardly read, and needs refining. There is no simple fix to this, I'm afraid. I will offer you the advice I've offered before: read. Read everything you can. George R.R. Martin, Anne McCaffery, Ray Bradbury, Vonnegut, etc. Anything published will have decent phrasing. Study how they phrase things and learn from it. Note: fixing your phrasing should help some of the flow and wordyness issues. The problem with your syntax is that it often implies a certain order of events that is impossible, or it will be so confusing and muddled with extraneous phrases that it is hard to discern what the main idea of the sentence is. Despite what classical literature's example teaches: the idea is not to confuse the reader.

>Pacing is slow
The first page and an eight is spend describing the machines coming on and the ponies waking up. The pacing is glacial. It takes forever for just about anything to get done in the first part of the story. It is primarily because of how much you describe. You have what seems to be a near perfect mental image of what happens, and you try and share it. Every little bit of it. You have to ease up and let some things go implied by actions and reactions. You can't describe everything.

>the hook
Honestly, your hook right now is "Alien". Which is a pitiful excuse for a hook. You can't expect the idea of "oh! An Alien crossover!" is going to draw in readers very well. You need something to happen, whether it advances the Alien plot or if it is just a conflict among the characters. You need some source of conflict earlier. The closest example to this I can think of is the original Dead Space. It opens as they come out of hyper space, and in the first few minutes we get two major pieces of information: 1) the emotional hook of Issac's dead-notdead girlfriend and 2) the plot that they are there to repair a ship, which they find. It has two ways to grab you, and it works because it doesn't make you sit around waiting to be hooked, which is what I felt with your story.

This is a story obscured by many issues, but somewhere... somewhere deep, deep down there is a good idea in there waiting to be brought out well.

I got your message, Lunar.

Honestly, thank you for trying to encourage me... but forgive me if I don't feel very encouraged after I failed to hold your attention through a 6k word one shot. If you really think I've got potential, and you still want to help me, I've got a few issues I wanted to bring up that I could use help with. After typing them out, though, I realized they were kind of rant-y... so I'm not sure if I should post them. It's not that I want to argue with you, but I am starting to get a little frustrated with this whole thing, and I'm sorry about that.

If you'd still like to hear it, maybe I can e-mail you. My address is under my name.

Thanks.

Hey,

I'm new to Ponychan, as am I new to fanfiction in general, and as such I figured it wouldn't hurt if I had some more experienced eyes look at my story.

Title: Harmony's End
Tags: Adventure, Dark, Crossover
Synopsis: This is the account of a Twilight Sparkle changed by a rotting world. This is the tale of a quest most horrific and of deeds most vile. This is what a unicorn had to do to save Equestria. This is how harmony died.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/31075/Harmony%27s-End

Some comments:
First and foremost, a heads-up: I've already submitted this for a review in another thread (still awaiting results), but being the needy bastard that I am, I'd like to see what multiple people think of this fic. The more feedback I get, the better I get, right?

As for the fic itself, it is a crossover with a really old video game which I simply adore for its setting, storytelling and atmoshpere, all of which I tried to build into / recreate in the fic in an Equestrian setting. To the best of my knowledge, I am the first person to attempt crossover with the game, too. Contains mild gore (and sexual references at few places) without going too explicit; the goal is creating the mood, not to have a mindless gorefest and killing. And since the game is such an obscure title, I wrote this specifically so that anyone who has never heard of it will still understand the fic. In fact, it might be a better read for someone who does not know where the story is headed..

Also, the fic is still ongoing, and is already getting rather lengthy: about 19000 words at the time of my posting this. I won't ask for you to review all that, only the first four chapters: "Sunset", "Honesty", "Ever afraid", "Woe to the conquered".

Looking forward to your opinions - thanks in advance!

Title: The Powers of Harmony
Tags: Adventure, Slice of Life
Synopsis: Half the power of the Elements of Harmony is transferred to the Bearers during the battle against Nightmare Moon. Celestia discovers this, but withholds the information. The Mane Six continue their lives, unawares.

Two months later, Celestia sends thirteen members of the Royal Guard to monitor the Bearers as they manifest and develop their new abilities. However, the members of the Guard are not what they seem, for they carry a secret of their own.

Chapters Requested: Just 1 & 2. If you want to do more, go nuts.

Feedback desired: Obviously anything is fine, although I'd love it if you could give me your opinion on the pacing of the story, your thoughts on the plot, and what I can do to improve it in your opinion.

Link: https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B46rC7HFv-bHaTk4SFdEMVZmeGM/edit

Comments are enabled.

>>110991

As of right now, you are not in the queue. When you resubmit with a gdocs link rather than a fimfiction link, we'll gladly take a look at your story.

See rule 6 in the OP for reference.

>>111027
>>110991

Oops! My bad!

Here's a Gdoc link to Harmony's End: https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0Bxk5TKFpc67oT09jWFNDOUQ0eTg/edit

Hopefully it works.

Would you mind reading my fanfic, and letting me know what you think of it?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18IMNTBWIdzkB9sZm-k02H8-jaB84V4-Q8nJ1tczh9Qk/edit

>>111220

Sure, absolutely. However, you need to follow rule number three in the OP. I'll update the queue in a bit, folks.

>>111226
Yes, sorry!
-Title: Ride of the Valkyries
-Tags: Dark, sad
-Synopsis: After her squadron suffers heavy losses in a battle against the Changeling army, Major Rainbow Dash must face an inquiry to discuss the circumstances of the battle. How long can she maintain her composure while reliving the deaths of her friends?

Title : The Price of Failure

Tags : Sad

Synopsis :

For one to rise, and to prosper...

Another must fall, and must fail.

Link : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xt3oKxD4TRi2-M0O6alUuF116u2OeD-HIB2QvKGH5A0/edit

Note : Very, very short one-shot (Just over 600 words. Wat.). An idea that got stuck in my head all the way back when I first heard 'This Day Aria', specifically the line "In my heart there is no room."
What was taking up the room in her heart?

Title: Miss Mary
Tags: Normal, Sad
Synopsis: After getting into a little trouble at school, Scootaloo must visit grouchy old Miss Mary every day after school for a week. This experience is something that Scootaloo dreads each and every day... is there anything she can get out of it? At all?
Gdocs link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dPA1aGx0J6i1ZK_TQgNKYo5DnycS2qEt1wztTPdbSnw/edit

Hello there! This fic has been rejected from EqD, but I'm apparently close! My prereader seems to like the story from what I can tell.
Apparently my issue lies in a bit of comma abuse and my writing falls flat in some areas. I have also had issues with writing dialogue, but I have done a lot of research in how to properly write it and I don't know what I'm still doing wrong with it. If you see what the issue is, that would be wonderful. I really appreciate your time and I hope the Gdocs link works properly. I was having a little trouble with it...

>>110835

Okay, review is done. Sorry it took so long, but real life intervened. Do you know how dangerous and fun it is to drive in circles while your friends try to sit on the trunk? Anyways, comments in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Ellipses: You have a habit of ending paragraphs and dialogue. Don't do this. Usually, a period will do fine. Either that, or you can reword it so you don't need the ellipses. The other suggestion is to add an appropriate speech tag.

2. You use "he said, she said" a lot. Well it is fine to have [dialogue], he said, you can use other speech tags. How did they say it? Did they growl it? Did they whimper it? What? It can go a long way to showing the moods of ponies. Also, facial expressions are associated with the way things are said, so it gives us a bit more to go off of other than a poker face.

3. You have questions in narration. Questions directed at the reader when it should be directed at a pony or the character who would be asking it. Most can be reworded as thoughts. Do so, please.

4. You were doing fine with LuS. It was almost negligible in the first two chapters. Then it sorta built to a level in which you do need to address it. Remember, pronouns and names are your friend.

Overall:

An interesting piece, but you take so many words to just describe. You detail things out on a very high level. I know part of telling the story is showing us the world, but sections like these:

> The Princess’s writing couch and rug lay in the center of the room, from where she sent messages all across the kingdom. Her bed, a big four-poster piece of furniture, sat in the corner by the window.

Are a bit too detailed. Ask yourself, "Is the reader going to care about where her message cushion is set and it's specific purpose?"

This is a piece I would continue on with. It's got an interesting concept...

sorry if I sound a little repetitive... I feel sleepy. I just want to sleep, but you get the idea. I like your story and in general, it's pretty well written.

>>110923
>>111219
>>111232

Mommy... I'm tired. Oh so tired and cold. Can I just lay here and sleep?

>>111591
Sweet dreams.

>>111587
Thanks for the review! A few comments, clarifications, and questions:

>Ellipses
Yes, thanks for pointing those out. There are several that can be replaced by semicolons, periods, or even commas, and I'll be fixing those. There ARE, however, about two specific instances where I wanted that trailing off effect, namely “Failing the infantry officers’ physical, on the other hoof…” and “Well I didn’t hear a story, really, just a rumor that that at the officers’ exams yesterday there was a weird pegac—er, that a pony had, um…”

>On said tags
This is something I think we're going to disagree on. The best description I've heard is "The word 'said' is so unassuming and flavorless that it fades into the background, permitting the dialogue to take the front stage." I do use other tags, but very sparingly, and only when I feel that the dialogue itself can't convey the emotion behind the words. At its heart, it's an issue of show vs. tell, and using an abundance of speech tags is redundant at best and distracting at worst (see the prologue of Eragon for a good example of ridiculous speech tags). You have pointed out to me a few unclear dialogue attributions, though, and I'll make the necessary changes there.

>Speaking of redundancies...
You caught quite a few in there, I'm a bit embarrassed. I'll be fixing those.

>Rhetorical questions in the narrative
This is something of a prose style thing, I fear. I'll explain my aim and you can tell me if you think it's still really awful. My object with the limited third-person perspective is to put the narration inside the character's head, meaning that the world is perceived through the lens of their thoughts, and that reflects in the narration. While direct sentences and questions get the italicization treatment, more vague feelings of curiosity, fear, and excitement get left in the narration to prevent any characters from thinking "I am curious".

>LUS
Now this is an interesting one. I've tried to excise as much as I can from the story overall, though you did catch some that escaped the purge (especially some awkward ones regarding Inger). There is one particular case, however, that is fully intended, and it's (as you noticed) in the fourth chapter. Since the chapter is taking place from Inger's point of view, once again the narration reflects his thought processes. In Inger's mind, Rye is simply labeled as a pegacorn, and Inger's dislike of the race (they have a rather bad reputation that will be elaborated on somewhat in later chapters) colors his perception of Rye. Thus, every time Rye's mentioned from Inger's point of view, he's simply "the pegacorn". Celestia calls him by name (as she does with every character in this, if you check the council chapters), but Inger doesn't use his name until later chapters.

>people vs. ponies
Argh. This is a plague on my pony writing. I'm generally pretty good with the puns and word substitution, but this particular word gives me trouble. It just sounds so cheesy to say "We must protect our ponies from the invaders!" I get the impression that they're talking about normal horses they own. But I'll fix it, because every reviewer catches at least one instance of it in my stuff and calls me on it.

Thanks again for the review. I'll go through the doc and leave more specific comments/revision notes.

>>110923

Comments in doc. Sorry if the last few pages are a bit lacking, but by the end, it was nearly impossible to comment due to freeze.

Some things of note:

1. Ellipses: You end quite a few paragraphs with them. Don't do this. Most would be fine as a period while others should have a speech tag after them. I marked a few as examples, but you'll have to find the rest on your own.

2. LuS: At first I thought you were going to be relatively fine. Then, several pages in, it started creeping up. By the end, I could have marked a case of it nearly every other paragraph. Remember, pronouns are your friend. In the same token, make sure you're clear on who that pronoun refers to. I.E. Look back and see who the last s/he was. Use names when necessary.

3. He said, she said: Despite what others say, I strongly dislike an overabundance of the speech tag "said". Other tags accomplish the same thing and give us more than a poker face. Said is emotionless and I don't like that.

4. You also have nasty habit of writing sound into the story. Don't tell us the sound, show us the sound. Imply it. I.E. instead of crack!, use something like: The door slammed shut with a crack.

5. That font and font size is rather weird. I don't get it. But I suppose that is up to you. Personally, I would change it. However, keep it the same font and size as the other published chapters.

6. The one big plot hole that annoys me is the fact that Theranius is cut up so badly that he's practically dead, yet you have Rarity give him temporary strength as if he hadn't been injured at all. The problem is that Rarity is sick and disoriented. How is she casting such a high tier spell?

Overall:

This chapter was mostly interesting because of the tid bit of history at the beginning. The rest was interesting, but it felt confusing overall. Once a few reviewers go through, it'll be well worth the read. As of now, it is very subpar with the rest of your story.

I wish you luck with the continued success of your story!

While this may sound a little disappointed, this story is still one of the more interesting stories I've had the chance to review.

>>111232

Comments in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Extra spaces: You have a handful of them scattered through the document. Make sure you catch those.

2. The thoughts seem focused on her anger over the wedding and the ponies. But then it shifts so suddenly. There's almost no transition between modes of thought. (Anger to sadness). This needs to be done slightly better.

Overall:

A cute short story. It is sad in a way. A bitter sad. Not tear jerking, but still sad. Personally, I think this is just the groundworks to what could be an excellent sad story.

Keep writing my good friend!

Or it could tear it to pieces. Anyway a few notes about this story.

Yes, its not very original. No, it's not a self insert. Character's name was conceived before coming to ponychan and I've really been trying to get away from any implications of it. Grammar might not be the best.

Title: Scribes are Weird (Pending Title)

Tags: Adventure, Slice of Life.

Word Count:7237

Synopsis:Ghostwriter is Celestia's personal scribe, a humble position he loves, but has gripes about. Ponies may respect his position, but not him personally and he's sick of it. When Celestia sends him to Ponyville to interview the Elements of Harmony’s wielders, Ghost just hopes it’s better than that ‘City of Fakers’. But between explosions, pirates, and rock farms, Ghost will find himself on more oddball adventures than he can count.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YdbTwDIFhE4FJxe3qnXVe5-3M-2V6F-C4wbqnwbroTA/edit

>>111654
Also this is in Golden Vision's thread, and I asked soundslikeponies to give it a quick passover.

I'd like to drop my story, The RED Cataclysm from the queue now. Honestly, you guys seem busy enough already, and I've progressed far enough past the part in the story I asked you to review that I don't think the review would be very convenient. Thanks anyway.

>>111656
Oh well. I was going to work on it tonight, but as you wish. Just one question: why no Spy?

>>111681
Well, in my headcanon, the Spy's one of the most civilized individuals on his team. He's smart, clever, adaptive, and able to blend in well, by virtue of what he does for a living. That's all well and good, of course, but it means the Spy would be perfectly well-behaved and do his best to fit into Equestrian culture during his time in Equestria. And that doesn't lend itself very well to comedy.

>>111685
I disagree. The way you just described the Spy is as a classic straight man.

In comedy, the straight man exists to represent the everyday, mundane, and ordinary. It is the sharp juxtaposition between the jokester's point-of-view and that of the straight man's that produces humor.

In the same vein, the Spy's ability to smoothly integrate with pony society would contrast with the chaos and ineptitude of his teammates, and there's funny to be found there.

Most of the speech in the story are lines from the song This Day Aria (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzsxfO7dBlA), just modified into past tense. Specifically Chrysalis's parts, so those aren't really changeable. The italics are her singing the song, and when the italics end, she's speaking normally. Think I'll put something at the beginning to indicate that clearer.

Double spaces are a habit I've had ever since I first typed on a keyboard. Start of each sentence, double space it. I'll probably go back and swap them out for single.

Uhm, just out of curiosity did i do something wrong? I haven't even gotten a confirmation that you accepted it for reviewing. its right here: >>111654

>>111930

Nope. Just missed on accident. I'll enter the info in after this movie.

Thank you.

>>111219

Review running in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Your paragraphs tend to get rather large. Remember, new character, new idea, new paragraph. There's one more, I swear. But my brain went on the fritz.

2. Those dashes: You use them like commas. This is especially a problem when you use them in place of commas during dialogue. Most of the time, you end dialogue with a comma followed by the speech tag. "[dialogue]," [Speech tag]. Or some variation thereof.

3. This brings me to the "he said, she said" issue. I've been yelled at for disagreeing with people on whether "said" should be used for most speech tags. However, I will most likely never change my view that "said" is bland, boring, and makes me picture a poker face. Personally, I try to find speech tags that show emotion. I.E. Growled makes me picture contorted in anger. Sighed makes me picture a longing/sad face. Words like that go a long ways towards helping show vs. tell.

4. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LuS): You have a mild case. It isn't very noticeable until the second chapter where you keep referring to Applejack as the orange-coated earther. LuS is using coat/mane colour, profession, a quality, or race of pony to describe who's doing what. Most cases are easily dealt with when you replace them with a pronoun or the pony's name.

5. Both Twilight and Applejack seem OoC. Applejack less so than Twilight and you quickly fix it.

Twilight: Through the whole story, she sounds preachy and depressed. You should honestly build up to it. She's living a normal life. She's happy. She doesn't have much to complain about. Then she starts noticing things going wrong. She becomes worried. Her friends are acting strange, she begins to challenge the way things are going. She breaks when the murder takes place. As you have it, she just jumps to one mood that's OoC for Twilight. Especially for that long without context.

Applejack: As i say in doc, she's the Element of Honesty. Often, fanon gives her the ability to discern true intent. Yet, here you have her unable to determine that Twilight isn't telling her the whole truth. Then you finally give a reason for her strange, erratic behavior. Again, build up to it. Show us her slow descent into distrust of Twilight.

Overall:

You are treading dangerous waters with your story. One wrong step and you will fall into writer's oblivion. However, if you step carefully, and you seem like a very capable author, I could see this being something great within the fandom.

Now, to quickly address why I only did two chapters. I want you to focus. Too many chapters and you'll trap yourself in a circle of dissatisfaction. If it's not one chapter, it'll be the other. If you cut it down to two for the moment and wait for them to go somewhere other than review threads, you'll find the other chapters will come easier. Plus, the pre-readers are likely to not touch all four chapters you have. And to top that off, you have two chapters after the first two go somewhere all ready for a quick and easy update. It'll give you time to draft up and write more, especially if you play it right. I.E. Release the first two, and once they go somewhere, wait a week before releasing the third chapter and then another week before releasing the fourth. See? Lots of time to come up with a satisfactory chapter 5, 6, 7, etc...

Good luck, my friend! I honestly feel that this has lots of potential. I hope to see you in my thread again.

>>112053

Thanks for the review! You made some good points which I'll keep in mind going forward. However..

You know, I promised myself that I would not moan about any points a reviewer makes - "having to explain it means it's bad", I thought. There is, though, one thing that I think deserves some discussion here: the characters being, well, out of character. Particularly, Twilight.

As I've stated in my original post, this is a crossover fic - or, perhaps more precisely, a homage. The video game I base it on has a very distinct narrative style which I try to echo in the fic, part of that Twilight being bitter and cynical as she is. As the initial description of the fic says, "this is the account of a Twilight Sparkle changed by a rotting world." That means that everything in the fic is being told by Twilight that has already 'been through' the story and has seen the ending, which in turn left a permament mark on her psyche. The exact reason for her mental descent into darkness will be revealed as the fic progresses.

So knowing all that, what do you think?

>>112057

> part of that Twilight being bitter and cynical as she is.
That's fine and dandy. I have no problem with Twilight being a bitter and cynical mare, but given her character, she'd at least mention why she changed. She just sort of changes. She strikes me as the type that does everything for a reason.

I would personally have her mention how things were normal. Sure, they had progressed, but ponies were happy. I was happy. That is, until things started to take a turn for the worse. [List of reasons Twilight has started to turn bitter.]

If you don't mind me asking, what video game?

>>112059

The thing is, the change is sudden and near-instant. Twilight does not even notice it happened until much later, the same way a person - I'd imagine - does not notice that they're going crazy. It is a reveal I'm keeping for further along the story. I realise this is.. clunky, at best, but the readers are meant to simply "roll with it" before being hit by something of a twist. If I were writing a fic by myself, I wouldn't tread down this path, but this is actually one of the most important things in the game and I'm inclined to do the same.

Oh, the video game itself is called "Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain". While it spawned several sequels, I'm focusing only on this first game.

Also, a semi-related question.. suppose that I fix the objective mistakes (formatting, phrases, grammar, typos..), do you think that this fic would have a chance at Equestria Daily? I realise that you might be in no position to judge it just like that, but surely you have a better knack for deciding than I do.

>>112061

> do you think that this fic would have a chance at Equestria Daily?
I think they'd have issue with Twilight just being bitter right off the bat. Probably not as much as me. I think it would be rejected on a pass through, but I think they'd say it's close. But I could be miles off mark.

At this point, I personally think it'd be worth running it by them because it looks close. If it gets rejected, they rejection e-mail will point you in the right direction or at least give you a starting point for your next reviewer. If it gets up, then I was slightly off and congratulations.

Alright, you guys are fine with long stories, right? I got a 20k one-shot for ya.

Applejack's Tempest
Slice of Life
Synopsis: Applejack lives comfortably in her life of thankless farm work. Sometimes, though, she can't help but feel insignificant beneath everything life keeps throwing at her. When her little sister asks her to help practice for a school play, she is reminded of her own youth, back when she dreamed of being a famous actress in Manehattan. But that was all just childishness, she keeps telling herself. However, with a some subtle encouragement from Rarity, Applejack does something that she never thought she would ever again.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m7HAV3SR3w6-xzG-jiplNvS3Wh6UnxHVocAeGcH7BpI/edit

This got rejected by EQD. The reasons were understandable, but the pre-reader had issues with the pacing. I'd love it if you could elaborate on that.

Title: A Solemn Summer Night

Tags: [Shipping] [Sad] [Tragedy]

Synopsis:
Set a couple decades in the future, Applejack is on death's doorstep. Having been confined to the hospital, she wants to spend her last night with her wife, Rainbow Dash, outside of the walls of the hospital— as a free pony.

Links:
[1,900 words] Chapter 1: http://tinyurl.com/assn01
[2,200 words] Chapter 2: http://tinyurl.com/assn02

Notes:
I'd like to try for EQD with this, so feel free to tear it apart as much as you'd like. I'll probably eat my hoof later for saying that, but hey, I'm here to get better!

If you need to contact me for whatever reason, feel free to email me at fanfiction@krazyweb.net.

Thanks,
KrazyTheFox

Hello. Yes, it's me again.

After getting the same complaints about Twi majorly OOC from multiple sources, I had to admit that something was wrong. I spent the past few days reworking the second chapter so that it now serves as a transition between a (more) IC-Twi and the OOC-murderer-Twi. I feel that I managed to strike a delicate balance between what a new reader might expect and what I actually want to do - but I'd like to hear your thoughts. I also experiment with a new concept for Celestia as a true, burdened eternal ruler. I also did my best at fixing the numerous formatting mistakes.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T-KSpLgtfycp8OLY3_8J9Nf0nxgMiV32hNvIzXxEAjs/edit

(Chapter one is largely unchanged, although I did change a very few phrases so as they reflect a less-bitter Twi.)

Permission granted, comments enabled. I think. I'm still a novice at this.

>>111227

Review in doc. However, comment stream has gotten to long for me to continue reviewing efficiently. So, I'll give you my thoughts and apply them to the entire story.

Some things of note:

1. Dash seems inconsistant. I understand that times have changed, but why has she changed so drastically? I don't see Rainbow Dash anymore. I see an OC with Rainbow Dash's name tacked on. You tell us she's confident, always has been. Later on, you tell us she's dropping out of the squadron because she's not confident. You tell us she's sore and stiff, but you don't tell us why except for "It's unusual for her age, but it's there". You tell us she can't fly like she used to, but she performs a sonic rainboom.

Your other characters, you give them special powers, but don't explain them other than, they have them. You throw a half-hearted theory about why Pound Cake can do his shield thingy, but then just drop it. Your story is missing so much for the characters. They're half cooked, so to speak.

2. The flashbacks are poorly done. They're used as a way of showing us what actually happened while Dash gives her report to Princess Celestia. However, you tell them like it's happening here and now. Flashbacks are in the past, yet you have them in present tense. This needs to change.

3. Ellipses: You abuse them so badly. For the most part, they're used to indicate long pauses in dialogue. That and when a character cuts themselves off while speaking. They aren't really used in narration. And most of the time, a comma would do fine. If it isn't a comma, it should be a period.

You also have a slight issue with using them to end paragraphs. Don't do this. Usually a period will do. If you feel that they're necessary, and they're in dialogue, end with a speech tag.

4. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LuS): using mane/coat colour, profession/talent, pony race to describe who's doing what. Use pronouns instead. Your case is rather light, but still there.

5. Questions in narration: Don't do this. They need a target, a solid target. The reader is not a solid target because they are not in the story. Direct the question in one of two ways: Either at the character who is asking it (thoughts), or at another character (dialogue).

6. There are some slight formatting errors. Watch for those paragraphs that weren't indented properly in the copy/paste transfer. Watch those double spaces. Watch that coding for italics and centering. Though, I suspect most of this is result of the copy/paste.

Overall:

Eh... I'm iffy about this story. It feels like you're showing me one chapter of a large story. There's almost no context as to why things are happening overall. You just say, there's a war and stuff happened. Wars are long. They take time to explain. This feels like the third or fourth chapter of a longer story. Without the rest of the story, I am rather unimpressed at the moment. If it were to come with more chapters... that might be a whole different ballgame.

Keep writing my good friend.

>>110835
Next few chapters:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n8KBDMx6dP_4vcLe5LTQeBbQbrzH9_gwGH9NJgn7agQ/edit

>>112510
To be honest, I'm considering other chapters. One more for each character.
I'll take all of your notes into consideration on my next day off, and fix the story as needed, but I'm not going to change the way I played with perspective in the story. To me, that would be a matter of artistic compromise.

>>112510
How does this sound(I'll word it better when it's all added to the story):
Her confidence has been shaken over the last year by a series of small injuries. Her ability to control her direction at high speeds is clumsier than it used to be, and occasionilly, her wings can give out on her. So, she CAN still fly at high speeds and perform rainbooms, but faces a serious risk when doing so.
Sound better?

>>111443

Very small review in doc.

I'm really sorry, but gdocs is giving me a really hard time about commenting. I had about 2 or 3 pages more of comments and the document crashed, losing all of those comments. If I continue like this, it'll take way to long for a single review on a single chapter. So, I'll leave you my final thoughts and you can apply it to your whole story.

Some things of note:

1. You have a slight issue with LuS: Lavender Unicorn Syndrom: Using mane/coat colour, talent, profession, or status (Earth pony vs Pegasi, Filly vs Mare... etc...) to describe who's doing what. Use pronouns. It'll save you a boat load of trouble.

2. Here's a good rule of thumb while writing an episodic story: If it isn't seen in show, don't use it in the show. I.E. We never see a camcorder in the show, so it'd be safer to avoid the technology argument and not use it.

3. Show vs tell: You have lines like this one:
> Shockingly, this wasn’t the highest amount of bandages Scootaloo has ever had on at one time.

Ask yourself, am I narrating this scene, or does the story show it? If you picture yourself sitting in a chair reading that outloud, it's probably telly. Show in action, thought, or dialogue.

4. Ellipses: You tend to use them like commas. They're used for long pauses. Commas for shorter pauses. Most of the time, a comma will do. That or a period and just start a second sentence. Also, I didn't really notice it, but I'll tell you now, don't end paragraphs with an ellipses. Most of the time, a period will do.

Overall:

This has the potential to be a really good "lesson story" with a good moral at the end. Once you fix this up, whether it be through this review or a second review elsewhere, it should have it's moment in the limelight on EqD.

Again, sorry I could barely review it. I feel useless, but I know you'll get something from this.

>>112712
> her wings can give out on her.
This doesn't sound like a small injury. With something like that, she would have removed from the squadron on the basis of disability. Tell us what shook her confidence. Give us small details about her past injuries that prevent her from performing at 110%.

The problem is you need to find a balance in why she can't perform like she used to without going as far as giving her a disability that would cause her honorable discharge from the squad.

>>112595
Noted.

>>112373
Also noted. However, I might make you wait for Kurbz because getting a review by the same person over and over for the same parts
isn't that productive.

>>112295
>>112094
>>111941
Sorry... neither me nor Kurbz are particularly fast when it comes to reviewing in this thread. We'll get to you over the next few days.

Thanks guys!

>>112978

I see, that makes sense. And I don't mind waiting, so please, take your time. Although, I figure it might be best for him (her?..) not to jump in at the second chapter with no context, so here's a link to chapter one:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Jc9JhyV4SqN7XE_A586a0w9A8Nz4_-qsfhJb3ZvOe3A/edit

And just for the sake of being being neat, here's the link to chapter two again (also supplied at the bottom of the chapter one gdoc):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T-KSpLgtfycp8OLY3_8J9Nf0nxgMiV32hNvIzXxEAjs/edit

>>112984

Thank you.

I'll talk to her when I see her on steam next.

Come at me, Kurbz! I'm ready! Teehee

>>112978
It's all good. Take all the time you need! I know how life can be. :P

>>112990
Hello, um... is your queue open? I hope it isn't, but I see nothing that says it's closed so, here goes.
I ran this one through Applejinx, and I'm satisfied with the characterization thus far, so:

For your consideration.
Title: Showmare
Tags: [Sad][Slice of life]
Synopsis: Homeless and struggling to survive, Trixie returns to Ponyville two years after losing everything to the Ursa.

This has not yet been proofread by anypony other than myself, so just warning you on that. Oh and a link, that would be nice wouldn't it? Here ya go. https://docs.google.com/document/d/17XJeELnpIFBDyouSpbaTrbTq4V2oWi76hb2LYSpQsAo/edit

>>112975
No worries, no worries! You have helped more than enough, and I thank you!

The only thing I have to say is my reasoning with the video camera (because I did worry about that when writing).
In hearts and hooves day, it was revealed that video games are canon during the song "The Perfect Stallion," so I just assumed that video cameras would too. I know that Sibsy has described Equestria as a sort of pre-industrial revolution world, but there have been plenty of instances of more advanced technology.
Not trying to argue, I'm just stating my opinion.
Again, thank you!

Hi there, I would like to submit my fic for a review:

Title: Lyra Heartstrings: Ace Attorney
Tags: Tragedy, Comedy, Crossover
Synopsis: A crime has taken place in Ponyville, and Octavia is the main suspect. Vinyl needs to find a defense attorney before her sister's trial begins. However, not a single lawyer agrees to help them. When everything seemed lost, one mare agrees to take on Octavia's case... the best defense attorney in Equestria: Lyra Heartstrings.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AC00G4WyA4HIlYrhINr8e6P8YSvv2Bvs_qvuc0APQgc/edit

So, yeah, if you can take a look, I would be very happy. Thanks for your time.

>>113058
Why that link >112990 appeared I have no idea

It happens when you click on a number. It will automatically appear in your message post. :D

>>113109
Well thanks, but I kinda knew that, notice the link in that response. I was referring to the specific link mentioned, because I hadn't remembered actually clicking on it.

>>112978
Would you mind taking another look at it? I've revised it, taking the vast majority of your notes into account. I'd like to know how much it's improved, and if you think it would stand a chance of getting into EQD.
If it's too much trouble, then it would be all right if Kurbz did it instead.

A note to all people:

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, this thread may be shutting down for good. However, it will not shut down before all the stories in queue or waiting to be queued are reviewed. There will be another update later today.

As of now, though, we will not be accepting any more submissions. Anyone who posts a story will be ignored. Thank you for your time.

>>111654

Argh! Google is being a glorious asshat and not allowing me to review at the moment. Comments in doc and I'm mostly done. However, even if I don't finish, you're gonna have plenty on your hands to do.

Some things of note:

1. Speech tags: Not bad, you don't use "he said, she said" to the point where it's just dull. However, you do seem to use "he thought" a lot after thoughts. I'm gonna advise against this because it's already evident when you write a thought.

2. Emotions: I've seen happy, worried, and curious. Not a wide variety of emotions there. Give us a better picture of emotions. Show us their face. Use other tags beside "sigh". Use your vocabulary.

3. Characters:

Ghostwriter: Seems a bit inconsistent with himself. He lacks confidence, then suddenly he's confident. Then he slides back to a state in which he is no longer confident. That's okay, but you need to work it in. Show his growing confidence, the give him reason to backslide.

He's also a sue. We know barely anything about him. He's socially awkward, he likes his job, he has a kitsune. That's about it. Then we find out that he's the personal scribe to Princess Celestia, he's a powerful mage, and he's instant friends with Twilight, who just happens to know him but not know him. Also, you hint at future shipping but it's poorly done. You merely mention that Ghost had a crush on Twilight and then drop it. As of right now, Ghost is paper thin and would be blown away under any scrutiny from any reader.

Applejack: She's fine... until she demands that Ghost casts his magic on the rest of the farm. She's a very polite character. She would ask him politely.

The best I can offer on how to avoid suedom in regards to characters meeting other characters is an analogy and it'll go far towards helping your character avoid the sue.

Meeting characters is like discovering new factions in any MMORPG. True, you start friendly with some, but most start out neutral. You have to do quests, favors, etc... with them to earn favor or reputation. It should be like this with most characters. Most aren't going to start out unfriendly towards any given character, but they're not going to be all cheery "Hey there! I like you" either. Most will start out "Hey, I don't recognize you. My name is X. What's yours?"

4. Show vs. Tell: You tend to narrate information for us. You tell us that Twilight recognizes that Ghost is knowledgeable. You tell us that Ghost is frustrated, but you don't show us. You're trying to paint us a picture with your words, not just merely tell us that Twilight knows.

5. Your story is jumpy at points. The most notable are when Twilight just starts recognizing Ghost and when he just happens to discover the library. It's as if you grew bored of writing the scene and decided to skip to the end of it. Please don't. It makes you look lazy and that's the last thing you want the readers to think about you.

6. You tend to narrate information for us. The best example I could find: Twilight smiled. Ghost was definitely knowledgeable.

Don't tell us this, show it to us. Have her say it, not you. If it's in her perspective this would do well as a thought. If it's not, something like: "Wow, you really know your stuff." would work well. (Please don't use that. It's only an example and not really in character for Twilight.)

Overall:

This feels really close in plot to the season one pilot episode. Pony is recluse so Celestia sends pony to Ponyville to get out a bit. I can almost feel the disaster coming.

By all means, you can make this a good story. But as it stands now, it needs heavy work. It's almost to the point where I'd suggest a total rewrite, but not quite.

I wish you luck!

>>113496
Alright. First, thank you for looking over my work. I'll work on the thing you pointed out. As far as Ghost goes well...

Curses! I wasn't trying to have him come off as socially awkward but merely shy, and have a lesser form of social anxiety which amounts to shyness and not liking being stared at.

So I want to address a few things you addressed in the doc.

-Okay, one second he's reading and yawning. Next second, you're narrating his life. Next second he's waking up. When did he fall asleep? Where's the scene break?

Okay when Ghost said he needs better sleeping habits it wasn't because he fell asleep it's because he was still up.

-And then she suddenly knows Flare's name. How? He didn't introduce himself and you made it clear that she didn't recognize him.

Except he did with this line right here: “My friend needs your help,” the fox said as he sat in front them. “See, my name’s Flare. I work as an assistant to Ghostwriter, the Princess’ scribe.”

-Who just carries their books around? Also, didn't Twilight lead him somewhere in the library so he do things like drop his stuff off?

Alright, valid thing. What i'll need to establish earlier is that Ghost always has those things with him. It contains a very important book and his rune supplies.

-He just /happens/ to know about plant disease /and/ how to cure it? Not only does he cure the single tree, he cures EVERY tree.

Another valid point. This wasn't ment to be a cure more of a medicin to help the trees fight it. I'll work on getting that across better. Also Ghost didn't know what the trees had just that the rune would help.

-Wasn't the whole point of being dropped off just outside of town to be /not/ noticed? What's causing ponies to look at him?

His robes and he's someone they haven't seen before.

-How 'bout no. Making history refers to actually doing something noteworthy. He's merely recording it.

This was meant to be a joke. Ghost is writing a historical archive which is history therefor literally making history. Would that come off better if i italicize literally?

Any way that's it you may find some of them as just excuses, but I'm determined to make certain elements of Ghost work.
...
It's just gonna need work.

(I'll try and clear out some of the comments so you can finish up if you want.)

>>110805
I've spent a long time trying to figure out what to think about this. But I'm still not sure. You formatted it like a green text story, but only for narration. All the dialogue is written semi-normally. Your grammar is screwed to hell, but such is the nature of green text stories. Often, they don't use complete sentences, and neither do you. Commas are iffy at best, and missing in places. Oh, and your spacing makes it a complete pain in the ass to read. I suggest dying the lines beginning with > green.

I tried to divine a plot, but I'm really not sure if there is one. Aanon is a none too subtle reference to anon, but I don't get the motivation or reasoning.

There is almost nothing I actually understand about this story. My only advice would be to distill the idea, and rewrite it in a more normal format. That would help solve a great many of your issues.

>>113508
The docs clear of most comments, save for a few I'm keeping that point out thing that aren't quick fixes, so if you would like to finish it, I would appreciate it, but would also understand if you don't.

>>113496
Also, by the way...

>This feels really close in plot to the season one pilot episode. Pony is recluse so Celestia sends pony to Ponyville to get out a bit. I can almost feel the disaster coming.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing. Truthfully, that's kinda what I was going for.

>>113492
Ah, will that include future chapters? If so, I should find another review thread, I need someone to look over my newer stuff, and that's about 100k words in...

>>113525

I'll be dropping my e-mail and list of people I'd like to see throwing stories at me. You'll be on the list.

>>113184

Unless you're on your third strike, throw it at EqD. Worse come to worse, they reject it and then you proceed with caution.

Should I expect that second look ony Harmony's End at all? Seeing as it's marked as already reviewed in the queue doc, I'm not sure what to think.

I mean, if you say that you're dropping it for whatever personal reason, I perfectly understand that - I just want to know about it.

Hey just curious: >>113058 Am I even in the queue? I've been checking the document and it stops at 7/20, so my story's not there. Was the queue closed and I just didn't know about it? If this won't be looked at for a while, I'd like to know so I can send it elsewhere. Who knows how long it might sit in the Training Grounds.
Thanks in advance.

>>112094

I'm gonna call it here. Only a few pages and the document is already starting to crash. You're gonna have plenty to do in any case. Either you didn't tell us all the pre-reader said or the pre-reader only gave the one reason for rejection, but had many more.

Some things of note:

1. Your story starts really passive. You use was and the like nearly every sentence. Then suddenly, you're fine for a few paragraphs. Then you tend to slip backwards. That should be your first and foremost thought at the moment.

2. Show vs tell: You tend to narrate what's happening, especially when a character is thinking. You tell us that AJ is thinking, but you don't show it. It's like you're hurrying through the scene. Showing the thoughts rather then telling us that AJ thought will go a little ways towards slowing the pace to a more acceptable level.

3. Of the few pages I reviewed, I can right away tell you two places where you could add scenes that don't even need to be big, but will go a ways to slowing the pacing.

3a. When AB comes up and tells AJ about the play, it's just sudden and out of no where. You have it like AB just went to school. May I remind you that a tornado just hit Ponyville. There's not gonna be any school. Like I suggest in doc, add a scene where AJ goes into town to survey the damage there. Have her stop at the schoolyard and perhaps she notices Cheerilee struggling to do something. AJ helps and they talk a bit. In passing Cheerilee mentions the play. AB comes up or AJ asks AB later and AB expands upon it.

3b. Apple Bloom wants AJ's help, right? Well, she kinda disappears after the one scene. I would suggest having Apple Bloom help AJ and then they could have a whole scene where they talk about AJ's past in acting. Bam! You slow the pacing a bit.

4. Applejack feels out of character. You try to hard to get southern with her that you forget the rest of her. The AJ you have seems overly frustrated, easily distracted, and almost air headed. Yeah, she has every right to be frustrated, but she wouldn't remain frustrated. She's the type to stomp her hoof, say, "What the buck is this crap?" and then shrug and do her job. As for easily distracted, she's not sleep deprived enough for that. Even in the applebucking episode, she was extremely focused. She's also not an airhead. She's a focused mare, not one to let herself get distracted.

Rainbow Dash seems out of character as well. I finished the scene and I only see a mean Rainbow Dash. She's fine up until she actually hits AJ with a cloudbolt. Then she runs up and turns just downright nasty. She'd be caring. She probably wouldn't actually "yell viciously". Yell, sure, but not viciously.

5. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LuS): Using coat/mane colour, skill/talent, or pony race to specify who's doing what. Names and pronouns are your friends. Save LuS for stories that explode into epics. I'm sure that if you were to talk to a professional editor rather than a free to review reviewer like me, they'd be able to tell you when it's okay to use. Even then, I'd bet it's still rare.

6. The scene with the cloudbolts. Why is it there? It seems like your looking for a reason to put AJ into a woozy state. While plausible, its kinda awkward to deviate that much from the main story to further the plot in a single point. Applejack works on a farm. There are plenty of ways to get her injured. Also, Rarity sorta just appears from nowhere. Where did she come from? Why is she at the farm? She tends to avoid the farm because of how dirty it is. Then they just sort of jump to the boutique in a matter of seconds. AJ isn't that fucked up at the moment. She's aware enough that you could show them walking there. That'll help slow the story a bit.

7. That leads me into time. I mention in doc about how it feels like it starts off at night, goes to morning, passes into the afternoon, goes to evening, then doubles back to just after noon. I am aware of the passage of time, but it's poorly executed. Show us the time passing. You don't need some monster scene to do this, either. Just connect the passage of time with Applejack's work.

Overall:

Yeah, I think there's a lot the pre-reader didn't tell you. You've got a lot of work to do and I didn't even get that far. All I've said will apply to the entire document.

You haven't gotten to what you've promised us. You promised us AJ doing something in regards to acting. Yet, you've briefly mentioned a play and then dropped it. I had the same issue with a crossover of mine. I started too far from the action, the meat of the story. It completely ruined it. At this point I would suggest scrapping the story and instead of focusing on the repairs of the barn, focus on Apple Bloom pressing AJ for details about her past while they work. Then eventually, have AB leave and show us AJ going on this journey that Rarity apparently prompts her to take. It'll work wonders.

I wish you luck with your writing.

>>112295

Review in doc.

Somethings of note:

1. Dialogue: The only complaint there is the good rule of thumb I mention in doc and the fact that most of your dialogue is separated from the action. If your previous paragraph or line has action done by the pony who's going to speak, the dialogue will go with the action.

2. Thoughts: In the first chapter, they just randomly start. It seems awkward and out of place. You should establish in the beginning that you're going to be showing us Rainbow Dash's thoughts. And this story could really benefit from her thoughts.

Overall:

I want to throw you over a cliff. Wait... that sounds meaner than I intended, but I'm gonna keep it cause it accurately shows my frustration with you. It's not frustration because you gave me a crappy story or anything. Au contraire, this has the potential to be a very good bittersweet story. But you have several issues that make me want to yell and scream.

1. You just say that AJ and RD are married and leave it at that. You expect us to just accept it without explanation. You don't even tell us how long they've been married until the middle of the second chapter! How? Why? Explanations! You need them! You have 26 years or shipping and you just expect us to take it for granted! This is where RD's thoughts come in. You don't have to tell us in detail, but you need to give us explanations! How did they get together? Why did they get together?

2. Anything Rainbow Dash x Applejack is so cliche at this point. It's been beaten to death! I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't auto rejected on that point alone unless you have a godlike explanation for it when submitting. You'll want a godlike synopsis as well.

Again, I want to throw you over a cliff because you have so much potential for a beautiful cliche story, yet you expect us to wait for that beauty to emerge in the third chapter. You have the bare bones of a story in the first two chapters. No one likes to start off with the bare bones of a story. They want to get right into the meat of it! Add RD's thoughts. Add explanations. Give us something to go off of!

Do I want to throw you off a cliff? For the third time, yes. Is it because I hate you? No. It's because you have so much potential, but you're throwing it away for the sake of holding out on us and promising that you'll give us the good stuff later!

I wish you luck in revisions. And I truly do hope that this story succeeds.

>>114376
Thanks so much for taking the time to review this. It's intended to be complete as a story in its current form and is a prequel to other fanfics I have planned, but as you've shown me, it clearly doesn't stand up on its own near well enough.

You have plenty of excellent criticisms that I'll take to heart and really work off of. A lot of work, sure, but it'll be worth it if it means improving this.

Thanks again!

>>114170

Thanks for taking time to review. I'll take your advice in mind.

I regret to inform you that this thread is closed. Permanently. Kurbz has his own queue elsewhere of authors that he regularly reviews for and talking to him, I get the impression that he's backed up. He also sounds like he's close to burned out, if not already a little tired of /fic/. And I am unwilling to hoof it alone. If I want stories, I'll snipe one out of ttg or from one of the many queues that welcome outside help.

I could write a huge post trying to excuse both myself and Kurbz, but that would be petty and make me feel bad. If it helps anyone, though: It appears that as the first tag-team thread in a long while, it's sparked several reviewers to follow likewise. Or, that's what I like to tell myself. I wish those reviewers good luck. They're certainly doing much better than I am.

To all stories in queue. At this point, I'm sure you've given up hope of a review from either of us, and I'm deeply sorry we put you through this anticipation only to have it all flop. I do hope you managed to get a fair review elsewhere as so you weren't sitting on your bums, twiddling your thumbs. I wish you all luck with your stories. And yes, even the ones I didn't like or suggested complete rewrites for.

To those interested, I.E. like my style, I've dropped my e-mail in this post. As long as you aren't sending me 10k+ word stories, I'll at the very least give a fair opinion. I may give a full review via e-mail, or I may not comment at all beyond my opinion. But feel free to try your luck.

Sincerely,
LunarShadow

P.S. I will be reporting this sometime this afternoon before I go to work to get this thread locked (7ish hours from now.). If you have anything you'd like sorted out, be sure to post before then and I'll try my best to sort it out.

P.S.S. I did not include Kurbz's e-mail for a reason. So please, don't ask if you can get it to request him for any story.

Godspeed, you magnificent bastards.

Locked?

If not, lock please?

Thread locked at request of the OP.