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Apr 17PonychanX version 2 has been released. [Thread]

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128564 No. 128564 Locked Stickied [View]

Welcome to /fic/, the board for pony fanfiction and all things related to it! If you have any questions or just want to chat, feel free to drop by the #fic IRC.


  1. Threads and posts should pertain to written fiction.
  2. Threads should not be redundant.
  3. If you request a review of the same story from multiple people, let each of them know you have done so.

Note: All site-wide rules still apply.


  • Be polite. “You’re an idiot. Twilight Sparkle would never hurt Spike,” can be revised to, “Twilight Sparkle would never hurt Spike.”
  • Before posting, think about whether or not what you’re about to say really adds anything to the conversation.
  • Stories are customarily accompanied by a title, a description, tags, and a link to the story in question (where applicable).
  • If someone thinks your story isn’t great, they might let you know. That might hurt your feelings, but that’s a risk you take when you open your work to feedback. Part of learning to write well is learning to take criticism.
>> No. 128565
  • >>128414 General – Ask an Equestria Daily Pre-reader Anything
  • >>121064 General – Recommendations/Requests
  • >>119870 General – Story Forge/Ideas
  • >>128937 Open reviews – The Training Grounds
  • >>128162 Reviewer – NickNack
  • >>128349 Reviewer – PinkieAnon

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128937 No. 128937 [View] [Last 50 posts]
#Reviewer #The Training Grounds
Previous thread: >>128053

Welcome one and all to the Training Grounds, the review thread authors and reviewers, both newcomers and seasoned veterans alike! With the closing of the spreadsheet, we’re going back to square one: just stories, reviews, and this thread right here. Things will be kept track of by hoof, wing, and/or claw with a listing every so often.

How to get a review: Post a story with its title, description, tags, and a link to it where applicable. Please include all of these in your post and not just a Fimfiction link to a title page.

How to review: Write what you think about a story (or review) and post it in a reply. Put a * in front of the subject field if you’d like your review reviewed.

List of unclaimed stories: >>129398

Last edited at Thu, Feb 13th, 2014 11:07

225 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 130171
Lets see if I can do this right.


(The story exists in the same universe as my Dressmaker story.) Rainbow Dash takes to the sky along with the Wonderbolts as they are incorporated into the Royal Air Force to battle against the mysterious Scourge, an enemy with no home nation that appears to be made up of creatures from across Equestria, though horribly disfigured. Dash must temper her flight skills into something more than stunts if she wants to survive as she faces death outside and animosity around her and the Wonderbolts.

Tags: War, Violent, Drama, Adventure, Action

>> No. 130211

Let's take you for a spin.

Next time though, the title of your story should be put in the Subject line on your post, preferably along with the words "Requesting Review" so it would look like "Requesting Review, Turbulence". Other than that, you did fairly fine.
>> No. 130218
Thanks for the tip. I look forward to the review.

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128162 No. 128162 [View] [Last 50 posts]
#Queue Slots: 2 #Serviced: 25

There is no "absolute" in this mundanity. Occasionally you get lost facing unreasonable burdens. In order to overcome, you need a firm conviction, penetration, and the ability to take action.

It's been a while, has it not? I'll begin this thread (quote notwithstanding) with a brief introduction: I call myself Nicknack in this fandom, but you may call me Nick for short if you please. I've been a writer and reviewer in this fandom, off and on, since March of 2011, and in that time, I've probably read, pre-read, edited, and revised over four hundred stories—though only thirteen of those are my own. For nearly a year, I've slacked on the "helping others" portion of writing; in my defense, I just wanted to get some projects finished. However, I've come to the realization that I'm always going to have a writing project or two on my plate, so it doesn't make sense to slack on paying forward the help that I've received on my own stories.

So then, a brief overview of the bi-directional expectations of this thread:

From me, you can expect that I will read your story and mention things I dislike and like about it. This is the fundamental role of a reviewer, and I seek to start there. If you have a particular focus you want me to give when reading your story, I will try to oblige; if you want your review done in a particular format, I will try to oblige. You can reach me on gmail at nick.nack.137@gmail.com, or you can reach me on Skype for instant messaging at simply "nicknack137" (minus the quotes).

You cannot expect that I will edit any text in your story or leave a quota of comments. I will leave comments in a Google Docs file if the permissions are available, however, this will be a "as I see the need" basis.

To give myself as much balanced time as possible, I'm limiting the queue of stories I will take on at any given time to two. If a third story gets posted
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>> No. 130201
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So, some guy told me that I should drop this off here and I'd get a super-good review. Now I'm all excited.

Oh, this is chapter twelve. Will that be a problem?

Title: Equestria's Secret Service (Ch12)
Words: Lots.
Plot: I'm sure you'll pick up on it.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zMIEU3nCV_Emaq8c7DhR5gtqmspaWMke4LxxRywhXcw/edit
>> No. 130215
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My queue abruptly got a lot busier than it has been, and I've also noticed you posted this in TTG as well. So I'm going to focus a little bit more on the first (shorter) chapter of this.

I'll start with grammar/style, since that's generally the easiest thing to point out in a story. For Rarity (the narrator), you've got a lot of sentence fragments. I'm not sure how well they fit her voice; I found it off-putting to try to read them in her voice.

Another point I'd work on would be your comma use and sentence structure. You've got a lot of parenthetical asides and participle phrases to clarify nouns and verbs in your sentences, but I'm usually of the conviction that these can generally be worked around.

For example, in your opening:

>At least, that is what the recruitment office told me. Left alone as my friends took up their places in protecting Equestria, our home.

The second sentence is a fragment, which should be avoided. But if you want to make the point that Equestria is the governing body that these ponies have gone to defend, you could rework that as this:
>> No. 130217
You could tell perhaps that the first chapter was actually written for a thirty minute prompt. That's why it is lacking in any meat. I intended for it to remain as such but people enjoyed it so much I added another chapter to it.

So you are completely right. I need to give it a good working over, expand it a lot and give it some good TLC before I think about continuing it.

Thank you.

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124229 No. 124229 [View] [Last 50 posts]
#Single fic #Discussion #Comedy #Sci-fi #Human

The Official ARTICLE 2 discussion thread is back.

The Princesses find an alien creature barely clinging to life at the scene of a terrifying crash. Can the Combined Power of the Elements of Harmony save it, or more importantly, should they save it?

This thread is for the general discussion of the fanfic - A2. As seen on EqD, FimFic, and Fanfiction.

163 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 129702
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He's probably fine.
>> No. 129745
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He's fine.

>> No. 130210

Seriously though, can we get a status update?
What miscellaneous fuckery is Muppetz up to now, instead of posting a new chapter?

I heard there was an April Fool's chapter, but I missed it.
Does anyone have a backup, since it appears to be taken down now?

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82860 No. 82860 [View]
What are some tips for making very realistic characters?
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>> No. 83483
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Pick something here and there, basing on what you want a character to be. I lost a lot of respect to certain genres (manga/anime and some new TV shows among others) because of the absurdity of certain parts. Mostly with things like being a super genius at age 15 or stuff like that.

One of the things to keep in mind is, at least from my point of view, is giving a character an age adequate to his or her feats and knowledges. I'd use one of my characters from a non-pony story as an example, but I don't know if that's appropriate.

Anyway, the main idea is, the more experience a character has in life, the older it should be (seriously, Gaussian function cries in pain for every boy/girl genius that appears on another episode or sitcom)

Also, either a young character has been doing the thing he's good on since he was born (being playing football, swordfighting, spellcasting you name it) or he or she wouldn't be able to be such a genius. That's the rule of the ten thousand hours, which prays that, in order to be an expert on something, you have to practice ten thousand hours total (that's two hours a day, every day, for fourteen years). Luck has its limits. (Though I shouldn't be the one to talk about this despite molding it slightly in order to not making the character, but the scene believable from a certain perspective)

What I really mean with these things is that I want to see some middle aged ponies/characters being the main character, be it a veteran soldier, an old wizard or anything like that once in a while.
>> No. 130199
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Up from the depths...

I'm saying this thread is notable, and worthy of living again.
>> No. 130209
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Minjask approves.

Actually, since I'm here anyway. I may as well add my thoughts on characters (granted I'm not particularly good at voicing what's in my head, I'll make an attempt).

Well, I suppose I should start with what I usually do to create a character, and see if I can expand my thoughts from there.
First, they need a purpose. What is the purpose of this character? Are they the main character, or a support character? Background? Cameo assist?
After determining the purpose of the character, I create a design that best suits this purpose, though usually my imagination does the work. Characters can be story driven, or they can drive the story. Sometimes both. I prefer to let my characters show me themselves as the story develops.

For a main character, obviously they need something to draw the reader in. Pity is a cheap method, and should be avoided unless it's crucial to the story. A minor character flaw which might also drive the story, and provide a beautiful character building moment later on is usually what I look for. Then I need to balance it, of course, with some prominent skill the character posesses, that may or may not be crucial to the plot (these two steps can be done in either order, as long as they are done one after the other).

No. 128883 [View] [Last 50 posts]

As everyone should know by now, Equestria Daily has gone almost exclusively to short bullet-point reviews, except in cases where only a small number of items need to be corrected for posting. I enjoy giving longer reviews, but can no longer do so through Equestria Daily, so I will post them here. I will only do so for stories that in my estimation would have passed the old automoon system; others will get only the bullet-point treatment in the email.

This thread is only for the authors in question and me. They are free to ask questions or ask me to remove their reviews from the thread for any reason. For any other traffic, I will ask a mod to delete it. General questions about Equestria Daily or the pre-reading process should be posted here:

Note that I won't give an exhaustive list of errors; I'll provide a representative list of the types of problems I find and leave it to the author to scour his story for the rest.

To avoid repeating myself, I'll post a few of the more common discussion topics up here; your review may refer you to one or more of these.

Dash and hyphen use:
Hyphens are reserved for stuttering and hyphenated words. Please use a proper dash otherwise. They can be the em dash (Alt+0151) with no spaces around it or en dash (Alt+0150) surrounded by spaces. Some usage (primarily American) employs only the em dash, while other usage (primarily British) employs an em dash for cutoffs and an en dash for asides. It doesn't matter which system an author uses, as long as he is consistent.
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>> No. 130175

I don't really see the issue with Scoot's aunt as piling on. It's not in addition to her inability to fly. It's the root cause. We are drilling down past the obvious and moving into her true motivations. She can't fly because she's got all this mental baggage weighing her down, and this is the baggage.

Now, having said that, I'm sure I can find a way to do it that is more satisfying. You are certainly correct that Luna should take a stronger stance in some direction regarding that revelation. I'll be revisiting it in a few weeks and I'll work on that.
>> No. 130176
It's possibly not piling on if you give it a reason for being there, but you hadn't made that connection before, so it felt more like being there for the sake of being there. Neither Scootaloo nor Luna alleged any sort of causation. If Luna's not going to bring it up, then it'll take some thought as to why she doesn't or why it never occurs to her. If this kind of anxiety has this result, Scootaloo certainly can't be the first pegasus who's ever experienced it. And be careful wandering into orphaned/abused Scootaloo. It's a cliched enough thing that you have to get it just right, or it does little more than induce an eye roll.
>> No. 130197
Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

There's no inherent comparison for the simile here, as velvet doesn't have to be dark.

>She looks up with a feeling of unease.//
There are times you can get away with this, but right here at the beginning of the story is somewhere you need to forge a connection with the reader. Read the section on show versus tell at the top of this thread.

>Where is the herd?//
This has a nicer sound to it, but technically a group of ponies is a string. I wouldn't blame you for ignoring that.

>Where is.. is... the thing.//

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121064 No. 121064 [View] [Last 50 posts]
#Collection #Discussion

Here is a thread for people to post their recommendations so new people can get a general picture of the highlights of fiction in the fandom, or for people to ask for recommendations.

1.) No self-promotion, your work should stand for itself and make others want to refer to it.
2.) Provide tags and some small additional information for people to know what they are heading into.

1.) Do post on this thread and promoted works that deserve the attention.
2.) If you see people asking for recommendations, direct them here and ask them to delete their thread.

That is all.
164 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 130194
> But I like to believe that this is because he really cares for the series and wants to see it do better than what it has done.

You forgot this part.

If I made a mistake and chose the wrong words, then that is my problem. But I hope that you aren't seeing things that aren't there.
>> No. 130195
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> wants to see it do better than what it has done.


Not too much you can do to avoid it. Not everyone is going to take the same reading from anything, but I hope you can see how it comes across that way.
It's the combination of ideas that the show needs to be better (which is a sound subjective statement), and that Nyx is interesting enough to have a universe to expand upon (also subjective).

I'm trying not to cut into your original post entirely, because you have a reasonable subjective opinion, and I haven't investigated Reality Check in detail.
If my opinion gets involved, I think I'll have to avoid him personally, but that's because I really am not a fan of single character driven monologues, Nyx, HiE, fanfic parodies, Nyx, or Nyx.
Your mileage may vary.
>> No. 130196
Oddly enough, in that case, it is in the Nyx universe that he gives Spike an epic sized Crowning Moment of Awesome.

If that isn't enough, then you might like his Alicorn Saga that starts with Parting Words. In that, instead of Twilight going Alicorn, it's the whole Mane Six. And it doesn't stop there.

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130133 No. 130133 [View]
Forgive me if I'm circumventing some kind of queue by posting a thread here (I've never been to this board, and the rules are rather vague, IE how do you tag), but there is something really bothering with my writing style that I feel is making it too repetitive, but I don't know how to get around it.

I'll drop a few paragraphs of the beginning for an example. Beware, it's slightly grimdark.

I awoke, but all I saw was darkness. I felt around with my hooves, yet they could barely move, like something was pushing against them, though I think ‘felt’ isn’t the best word to describe it. I ‘felt’ nothing. No temperature, no bed beneath me, not even my own skin. In a moment of panic, I began to thrash about, getting very claustrophobic. I flailed my hooves as far as they could go, and soon began to notice that I was breaking through whatever I was trapped in. With one final push, one hoof broke free, jolting up into the open space, and a wave of relief washed over me.

I began to uncover more and more of myself, and, eventually, pushed my upper body upright. A dim, blue light became visible, and I could now see the clumps of dirt falling away from my form. I shook off what remained and looked around to get my bearings. It was the middle of the night, Luna’s full moon shining brightly against the speckled night sky. I was lying in an open field, mildly spotted with trees, with stones rising up from the ground in an organized fashion. They were all identical, rectangular slabs stood upright with rounded tops. Beyond them, I could see a single, small building sitting by itself upon a hill, a lantern burning by the door.

I stood up on all four of my hooves, and promptly fell flat on my face. I prodded the ground with my front legs, trying to get a footing, before I got a glance at what kind of condition they were in. Where there should have been a lush coat there was only exposed meat, and, in some places, bone. I jumped back in shock, as if I expected the diseased flesh to lash out and bite me, and landed on my back. Looking down over the rest of my body, I saw the true extent of the damage; I was frig
9 posts omitted. (Expand)
>> No. 130183
I'll definitely try that spoiler paragraph thing. The other problem I forgot to mention is this... fear(?) every time I open up my story. It's like I get so nervous, like once I open up this document a clock is ticking for me to be productive, to actually have accomplished something or I'll feel like a lazy piece of shit at the end of the day. I know this is a common problem but I just can't find a good way to relax and get over it.
>> No. 130184
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Somethin' else you could do is try some poetic run-ons, or a simple reordering of your phrases.
Example you wrote:

I awoke, but all I saw was darkness. I felt around with my hooves, yet they could barely move, like something was pushing against them, though I think ‘felt’ isn’t the best word to describe it. I ‘felt’ nothing. No temperature, no bed beneath me, not even my own skin.

How you could write it:
I awoke, opening my eyes to see...

...darkness... nothing. I wasn't even sure I had opened my eyes at all.

Reaching out, I could numbly sense what could best be described as a barrier; it didn't give me any sensation other than the fact that it stopped my hoof from continuing. I couldn't feel it. In fact, I couldn't feel anything.

>> No. 130193
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That's not going to be easy to start with, but should get easier with time. You honestly just need to not worry about wordcount so much. Just write. If you write 50 words in an entire hour, that's 50 more than you had previously. Learn not to think so down on yourself, and be grateful that you made any progress at all.

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128349 No. 128349 [View]

Do you have any short story (less than 10,000 words) that I could try to review please? (No shipping, comedy, crossover or random, please, for many reasons I can't work on them) I've the feeling that I can't write for my life, but I think I'd be more lucky if I reviewed fanfics instead of writing them.

Warning: I've never done this before, so don't expect me to do something great, or even correct. Actually, see this as an exercise. It'd be even better if an actual prereader reviewed the same story and we could compare our points of view.

Last edited at Fri, Nov 29th, 2013 08:15

39 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 129807
Ah, missed this:
>Are you sure you want to put that song here? Same thing for the EQG reference. Equestria dwellers aren't supposed to know them.
The story is a ostensibly a comedy, so I'm going to wave the Rule of Funny card here. Also, Equestria Girls is debatable since the main cast sings it, even if it isn't within the context of the show, but that's just speculation.
>> No. 129808
You can edit your previous post ;) I've nothing to add with the newest version. I hope that your story gets the attention it deserves.
>> No. 130189
Title: No Place for a Dressmaker in War

Word Count: 5,683 total

Description: First Rainbow Dash, then Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie and then Applejack. All of them joined the war effort one after another. Twilight was always part of it, even before the newspapers first announced the approaching conflict. Rarity was left all alone in Ponyville. There was no place for her. Even with her accomplishments, war is an entirely different beast.

But a friend doesn't let their friends go through hard times alone. Rarity must join the efforts somehow. But what place does a Dressmaker have in War?


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130140 No. 130140 [View]

How do I review the proper way? What do I need?
>> No. 130141
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Do you mean in the more general 'How Does One Review', or in the 'How Does One Review Here'?

For reviewing in a more general sense, it's simply a matter of becoming hyper critical of media, yet not giving into the completely human desire of wanting to abandon things that you feel are bad.

Then you have to expose yourself to as many things as possible.

Then you have to look at things that are bad, figure out why you don't like them, find out how to convert that into words, and find out how to convey those words in such a way to at least change the thing that is bad in the first place.

Practice helps.
Find something you really don't like, and figure out exactly why you don't like it, what you do like about it, and what you would change about it to get it closer to what you do like about it.

There's tons of words you can learn to direct those thoughts, and you have to accept that not everyone will agree with your assessments; but that's pretty much the core of critiquing.
>> No. 130173
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I second this. I never thought about it before, but I actually go through those exact steps in my head when I write reviews.
>> No. 130185
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A fun example came to mind.
Star Wars Episode II.

When I first saw it, I did not like it. It caused rage to bubble up, and I would spout gibberish to any one who would listen. I would get so incensed I would eventually lose the capacity for speech, attempting to communicate through gestures and guttural sounds.

That was horrible reviewing. It was all emotional and instinct with little actual content. I could convey that I didn't like it, but people didn't or couldn't understand why. Most people agreed, but would say things like "The Yoda fight was pretty cool". They soon learned to stop doing that around me.

Three years later, and Episode III came out. By this time I was starting to get on my feet logically, even though I didn't know it at the time. I still hated the movie, but now I could understand why. It wasn't the movie as a whole that failed, but parts of the movie had failed me.

I didn't have all the words I needed to convey it (I hopefully never will), but I understood story structure and how it failed. I understood characters, character motivation, and how it failed. I understood story arcs and how it failed. I could understand what I wanted to see from the film, and how it did not give me even that.
I learned to use my words to paint a picture of a similar story, made with the same pieces even, that would have been more interesting. Several times over.

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32807 No. 32807 [View] [Last 50 posts]
As you may be able to tell by my chosen moniker, I enjoy me some Warhammer 40K. And the thought of smashing two settings so thematically opposed together... amused me. So it should be no surprise that I've been picking away at something of a crossover fanfic.

Using MLP as the starting point (obviously), I imagined what it would be like if Equestria became more like the Imperium. What I shot for was something in between, with the rough edges of the granddaddy of grimdark, while still retaining some of the ponies' lighthearted, cartoony nature. Hopefully I succeeded.

Unfortunately, I'm something of a sluggish writer on projects as large as this appears to be, so updates will likely be few and far between. Comments, criticisms and suggestions are always welcome. And I've always found encouragement to help motivate me too. ;)
So with probably some further ado, here is chapter one:
If the response is good, and I get some more written, I'll get it out to other venues.
61 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 129056
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Back again, and still plugging away at this thing. I actually was going to keep going with the scene in this chapter, but it was getting a little long, relatively, and I decided to intertwine the rest with another scene in the next chapter.

>> No. 129071
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Good for you! I hope you are able to see it thru.
>> No. 130174
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Well, that took a while. It's actually my longest chapter to date, by word count, but it still probably should not have taken as long as it has. Still, I'm undeterred. Hopefully getting closer to some parts I've been excited for will keep me motivated.


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130090 No. 130090 [View]

Needed, suggestions for the new drinking game.

We simply need a fic related situation that makes you want to imbibe, and the number of shots (or sips, whatever) that situation creates in you. Here's a few common ones to get started:

- Celestia's Sun (1)
- Luna's Moon (1)
- Canon Character has access to Author's Knowledge (1)
- Gushnor's Anything (5)
- Author Character has access to the Author's Knowledge (5)
- Main Canon Character falls for OC ( 1 - 5 shots varies on OC Quality )
- Mary Sue OC ( Bottom's Up )
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>> No. 130144
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>Mid chapter author commentary
People actually do this?
>> No. 130152
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It can be used to create a dialogue between the author and audience.

So yes, there are people that will shoot their prose in the foot to comment on the activities in their own story. LOL

Internet Abbreviations (3)
Unexplained Abbreviations (1 per)
>> No. 130157
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I'm just adding this for fics in general, not specifically MLP:

1 ounce vodka
1 ounce gin
1 ounce white rum
1 ounce white tequila
1/2 ounce Triple Sec
2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
1/2 cup cola, or to taste
2 lemon wedges

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130115 No. 130115 [View]
#Collection #Shipping #Grimdark

Not entirely a fanfic per say, it's a collection of entry's.

I found this person kicking around tumblr and they've done a strange thing with their tumblr. Instead of doing the whole pictures in the form of a comic thing like LMR or many many many other pony tumblr's do. This person has made 1 picture for their "entry" and the rest is written in a 1000+ word entry.

It seems interesting to me, the use of stockholm syndrome and all that but I don't know...

What do you guys think?

I think the tumblr will fail, based on the fact that no one has the patience to read a tumblr instead of view pictures like most tumblrs allow you to do.

Here is the tumblr:
>> No. 130143
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Pretty sure sexual gore material sits on the borderline of what is acceptable on Ponychan.

It won't fail structurally. One entry does not a 'collection' make.
People have been writing things on tumblr for years.

It'll fail because there's no build up, limited cross advertisement, and seems to be pretty limited interest. That's not the structure's fault at all.

There's actually a number of fic writers that do fairly well on tumblr, with similar structures. This is just a bland concept done badly though.

Of course, I'm not being fair to it. But I've gotten really good at reading books by the cover. When the first sentence: Coughing, coughing is what woke her. Comes off clumsy with just a hint of stuff up smugness, it makes me long for the simple complexities of Cupcakes.

It'd probably come across more relatable from a first person pov, as the story seems to have skipped all intent of set up, as it assumes I know who Colgate is.

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105631 No. 105631 [View]
This is more of a rant than a discussion, but it’s one very long and detailed question, so once somepony responds it will be a discussion. This gets kind of psychological so bear with me here.
What is it about fan fiction writing that causes such powerful and realistic emotions to be felt by the reader? It has occurred to me recently that all a writer really does is collect and accumulate a very large number of symbols and arrange them into a specific pattern designed to relate different events to the observer. The reader then views these various symbols and draws up a story from it, but why do we as readers “feel” such strong emotions during some stories. We know they are purely works of fiction, yet somehow we are able to trick our minds into believing that they are actually happening just long enough to trigger an emotional reaction. I use the term “we” loosely for reasons that can be explained later, but I wish to know what aspect about an assortment of words and letters that allows this trick of the mind to occur. Comedy seems the easiest to spark a reaction from; you don’t need to go into much detail to find Twilight’s poofy hair comical, but still, what is it about these things that we find funny. Is it simply the way the hair looks, or rather that it is a harmless unfortunate situation that Twilight finds unpleasant? Why do we find this funny? Sad is more difficult to pull off effectively. I could tell you that Derpy was abused and then abandoned by her mother, and left to die out in the wilderness, but that didn’t make you cry did it? If I were to relate to you the events in a longer and more detailed manner, given it was done skillfully enough I could probably bring you to tears, as did the writer of what I’ve just described. But what allows that to happen? Why is it that we are able to subconsciously convince our tear ducts to overflow when we read about such injustices? Granted I have to do it consciously I am still able to cause it to happen, and I would just like to know why? What is it about the writing that makes us feel so sad? Is it that just a tremendous injustice was done? Certainly not,
26 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 130116
This looks like a fitting thread where to post this.
I have written a description of season 1's feel with tons of comparisons and allegories.
My question is how do I write it more beautiful and clear? more speechful and poetic.

It's like sitting in a small girl's room party in which we're reading stories and playing with our dolls. The room is so small and everything is so childish, yet so blindly accepted that we don't even notice how awkward we look. We don't think about the outside world, we just focus on our small comfortable and relaxing little room where everything is already established and there are no new things and no surprises except for the ones we make ourselves. We cause the castles to fall and rainbow dash to win the young flyer's competition, we cause the ursa major and the parasprites to invade, and we let the ponies interact naturally, in smart cutsie ways. We don't even ask ourselves how do our stories and imagination compare to others, we're so narrow minded we don't know about any other worlds but the small comfy Equestria… akin to a farmer taking care of his crops everyday… like the small neighborhood, but one which we find endearing, with a little bit of class from the french butler serving my food as I view the countryside's meadows.

The everfree forest, nightmare's banishemnt and other stuff are the only things left with mystery, and even those things, we know it's border so well that it doesn't worry us if it'll ever be too vast to explore, so small we don't even worry we'll ever get lost, we only worry about the wildlife which will present itself in our faces. It's such a laidback and peaceful life filled with a charm of magic and finesse, and with a little dash of mystery and action. It's like a hospitable version of the dungeons and dragons world, where the wildlife has been tamed enough for a person to find out it's a nice balance between farming and adventuring. Take out that last piece of wildlife even found in opponents such as black snooty the Nightmare horse and there is no more mystery and stuff to do.
>> No. 130118
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We're all still here. More or less. In a way.

Looks like two lumps of text, and I'm not even in hyper critical mode yet.

I'm thinking you'll have to use shorter paragraphs more. You're trying for a poem, but with the pacing of a report.

>We don't even ask ourselves how do our stories and imagination compare to others, we're so narrow minded we don't know about any other worlds but the small comfy Equestria… akin to a farmer taking care of his crops everyday… like the small neighborhood, but one which we find endearing, with a little bit of class from the french butler serving my food as I view the countryside's meadows.

Like this? This is one sentence that would be better defined if you slowed it down. Spread it out. Slowed down and enjoyed the words rather than the concept. Plus Semi-Colons brah.
>> No. 130167
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you still post creepy and/or disturbing gifs?

No. 130097 [View]
#Author #Single fic #Normal #Crossover #Sad #Grimdark

this is not finnish but i need it reviewed for corrections and edits. THanks

Hotel Equestria
By TrueWGU (CaptainAmericanWhiteGoatUniverse)

In a dark stormy sky. Cool wind in my mane. Warm smell of apples, rising up through the clouds. Up ahead in the city I saw a shimmering light. My wings grew heavy and my sight grew dim. I had to land for the night. There she stood in the doorway. I heard the magic flow; and I was thinking to myself, “This could be heaven or this could be hell.” Then she lit up the lamps, and she me the town. I heard voices down the streets, I thought I heard them say. Welcome to the Hotel Equestria! Such a lovely town, such a lovely town, gotta calm down. Ready a room at the Hotel Equestria. Any time of year. Any time of year. You can find us here.
Her mind was full of friendship. She was an alicorn. She had a lot of really, really great ponies she called friends. How they took out Discord, sweet magic. Some fight to remember, so fight to forget. So I called AJ, “please bring me my cider,” she said, “We haven’t had that friendship here since Nightmare Night.” And still those ponies are calling from far away. I woke up in the middle of the night just to hear them sing, “Welcome to the Hotel Equestria! Such a lovely town, such a lovely town, gotta calm down. They’re living it great at the Hotel Equestria! What a friendly mare. What a friendly mare. With other friends.
Dark building on the cloud tops. A rainbow pegasi; and she said, “We are just prisoners here of the Pegasus device,” and in the great royal hall, they gathered for the feast. They fought it with their magic but they just can't kill the beast. Last thing I remember, I was flying for the door. I had to find the passage back to the land I was before. “Relax,” said the royal guard. “You can fly away all you want, but you can never leave!”
Many ponies are una
>> No. 130099
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Like watching a car crash, but not nearly as interesting. That first line requesting edits with its horrid Shift key use screams "Troll" but the rest of it isn't bad enough to fit the bill.

You'd be better off reading good, published work than writing at this point. You'll learn more and won't have to deal with people like me (assuming you don't choose to read Twilight or its ilk, ugh).

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