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Mar 31With the Merger coming up soon, we have created an official steam group for the combined sites. It can be found at http://steamcommunity.com/groups/PonychanSteam

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128564 No. 128564 Locked Stickied [View]

Welcome to /fic/, the board for pony fanfiction and all things related to it! If you have any questions or just want to chat, feel free to drop by the #fic IRC.

Rules

  1. Threads and posts should pertain to written fiction.
  2. Threads should not be redundant.
  3. If you request a review of the same story from multiple people, let each of them know you have done so.

Note: All site-wide rules still apply.



No. 128883 [View] [Last 50 posts]
#Reviewer

As everyone should know by now, Equestria Daily has gone almost exclusively to short bullet-point reviews, except in cases where only a small number of items need to be corrected for posting. I enjoy giving longer reviews, but can no longer do so through Equestria Daily, so I will post them here. I will only do so for stories that in my estimation would have passed the old automoon system; others will get only the bullet-point treatment in the email.

This thread is only for the authors in question and me. They are free to ask questions or ask me to remove their reviews from the thread for any reason. For any other traffic, I will ask a mod to delete it. General questions about Equestria Daily or the pre-reading process should be posted here:
>>128414

Note that I won't give an exhaustive list of errors; I'll provide a representative list of the types of problems I find and leave it to the author to scour his story for the rest.

To avoid repeating myself, I'll post a few of the more common discussion topics up here; your review may refer you to one or more of these.

Dash and hyphen use:
Hyphens are reserved for stuttering and hyphenated words. Please use a proper dash otherwise. They can be the em dash (Alt+0151) with no spaces around it or en dash (Alt+0150) surrounded by spaces. Some usage (primarily American) employs only the em dash, while other usage (primarily British) employs an em dash for cutoffs and an en dash for asides. It doesn't matter which system an author uses, as long as he is consistent.
340 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 132165
Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

A few writing tics stand out. You lean on "as" clauses a lot, to the point they become repetitive. Every sentence in your second paragraph has one. There are seven in the first screenful, plus another "as" used for a comparative phrase. So I did a Ctrl-f for " as " and found 40. That's about one every 190 words, or 2-3 per page. That's actually not too bad, but when I look at where the instances occur, there's a cluster of them right here at the beginning and another about 30% of the way through. At the beginning, I'm also seeing a lot of "to be" verbs. It's impractical to excise them from a story altogether, but you should choose active verbs where possible, especially here, where you're trying to hook the reader. These verbs are not very engaging—it's more interesting to read about what happens, not what is—so it only helps to limit them here. Likewise, I've searched the story for the easier forms to find, and I get 227, which is nearly one every other sentence. There are 121 instances of "was" alone. That's how often something doesn't happen.

As long as I'm doing searches, here are other words that authors often overuse:
just: 52, getting up there, but not awful
turn: 13, good
walk/trot: 4, good
look: 42, fairly high, and they get clustered in places

Next, I notice that you're using a limited narrator. Kind of a shallow one, but limited nonetheless. So on the one hand, it's odd to see the occasional musing italicized as a direct thought, when we already have access to her thoughts through the narrator. There are times this can work, namely when it's important the reader know the though occurred verbatim or you want to phrase it as a first-person thought, but neither really applies here. On the other hand, we occasionally get statements like this:
>She sighed again a
>> No. 132170
Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>Ebony hooves echoed off the marble floor as a young white Pegasus fled along yet another corridor, moonlight streaming through the stained glass windows. Her pursuers kept pace, their constant orders for her to halt still within earshot.//
Let's start with the first paragraph, appropriately. Both sentences have an absolute phrase on the end, which immediately creates a repetitive structure. Also note that the "moonlight streaming" gives a still and peaceful scene that feels out of place with the action going on around it. Also notice how you repeat "halt" very soon after in the next paragraph.

>heir horns shined brightly//
"Shined" is the transitive past tense, like what you do to shoes or brass. You want "shone."

>The mare stiffened, then simply smirked. “Now, that won’t do at all, I’m afraid. You see—”
>
>Her form ignited with a burst of emerald flame, shattering the shield.

>
>> No. 132182
Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.

>Looking back on it I guess that was the point, ponies that naturally embodied the Elements without trying; all those years studying and training and I never even could have embodied an element.//
Comma after "looking back on it" to set off the participial phrase. And your first comma would work better as a colon or dash, I think.

>I knew, I knew,
Keep in mind that she's writing a journal here. How do you handwrite italics? When emphasizing something in handwriting, you'd naturally make it darker (use bold font) or underline it.

>Celestial//
Typo.

>I'm getting off topic now.//


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131375 No. 131375 [View] [Last 50 posts]
#Reviewer #The Training Grounds

Previous thread: >>128937

Welcome one and all to the Training Grounds, the review thread for authors and reviewers, both newcomers and seasoned veterans alike! Do jump in and participate if you can. New reviewers, editors and authors are always welcome! After a year of low activity we finally hit autosage, and it’s time for a new thread. Put some wood on the fire, sip some cocoa/tea/coffee/wine or whatever your drink is, and let’s ship some ponies get those quills moving.

How to get a review: Post a story with its title, description, tags, and a link to it where applicable. Please include all of these in your post and not just a Fimfiction link to a title page.
Remember that while reviewers love to read, they will often lean towards being critical. Don’t be discouraged—use their criticism to improve your writing!

How to review stories: Write what you think about the story (or review) and post it in a reply. Writers want their work to shine so point out faults with gusto, but don't avoid compliments either—if something makes you smile, a few kind words can add a lot to your review.
Put a * in front of the subject field if you’d like your review reviewed.
[hide] tags are useful for long replies.

77 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 132177
(I hope you like Fo:E sidefics)

Title: Fallout: Equestria - Spectrum

Description: A cowardly pegasus civilian finds himself thrown into the horrors of the Equestrian Wateland.

Tags: Gore, Dark, Crossover, Adventure

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sbgj05JfKQNZ4v5Lfc5iT4PHcQlHb9R8qP2o-_wG6vY/edit?usp=sharing (That should take you to the Table of Contents page, the story itself is linked from there. I've only got a Prologue and 2 Chapters thus far.)
>> No. 132179
>>132177
Hi, just a tip: it would be helpful to reviewers if comments were enabled in googledocs, so that any issues with the text can be highlighted directly.

Last edited at Wed, Apr 15th, 2015 20:47

>> No. 132181
>>132179

Oh, herp derp, thought I did that already :/

There, now people should be able to comment on it.


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132176 No. 132176 [View]
#Collection #Random #scary twisted

the dark sounds came through the night as the mane six head to their beds to sleep. when twilight went to bed, a mysterious mare sneeked into the castle, and stole a ball of dark energy. in the morning, twilight got up from her bed.

" good morning spike: she said streching her legs.
"twilght, have you notice something weird about ponyville lately"
when twilight looked out the window, she say that ponyville was turned into a dark twisted verson of itself.

to be continued.
>> No. 132178
bro I'm on the edge of my seat, don't leave me hanging... if you don't deliver I'll think ur a faget


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103290 No. 103290 [View] [Last 50 posts]
#Reviewer #Crossover #Seattle_Lite #Nicknack
Welcome to the meat grinder, the thunderdome, the jungle, the ninth circle of... yadda, yadda, yadda. This is a review thread, and it features two of the oldest and best, in our obviously humble and totally unbiased opinion reviewers on /fic/. We’re happy to help, but you should probably meet us halfway. So, without further ado, have some...

RULES
FORMATING:
Your post submission should include: Title, Genre Tags, a Synopsis, Word Count, and a Link to the story. We strongly prefer Google Docs. If you give us a picture of words, get fucked Don’t send us pictures of text.

Failure to submit properly will be met with swift retribution. You probably won’t get a review, certainly not from Seattle.

CONTENT:
Anything not allowed on Ponychan (gore, porn, all that good stuff) is not allowed to be posted in this thread. If you have something that falls outside of the acceptable content guidelines of Ponychan, you can email it to either of us, but the review will be done in private. If we hate it, we get to let you know without Ponychan mod intervention. Granted, as you’re probably showing us dicks in this scenario, so that’s a fair trade. Any fics involving Snails, a rock,
422 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 131210
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131210
>>105879

>mfw I actually made this post
>> No. 132174
>>104671
Well, hello there. This is Ingrid Kostron, the person who created the image your using to advertise your work on google docs. Please be advised that the image is copyright, I own it and you are using it without permission.
>> No. 132175
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132175
>>132174

Before we get down to business, let me first say welcome to Ponychan; grab your imaginary muffin, pull up a leather recliner, and enjoy the reading. It isn't often we have non-fans here (I will admit to full assumption here. Do feel free to correct me if I am mistaken), so I am admittedly curious as to why you are here and why you even care.

Has him using the image negatively impacted your business? Has he smeared your name amongst all equine-based artists, turning you into a laughing stock no-one can take seriously?

This line of questioning comes about because, I am assuming (again, correct me if I am mistaken) you must have googled your own name or someone you know has googled your name and cared enough to notice the few MLP based images scattered amongst all the others. Which, to be fair, considering you draw horses for a living, seems should be expected given the current state of the internet right now with us low-brows cluttering up everywhere with the stuff. We even crowd into non-horse related material. We are truly a plague society has not dreamed possible since the Bubonic era.

So, if only to satiate my boredom and admitted curiosity, might I ask why you felt compelled to warn someone who makes no money from your work and, indeed, without whom I would have never even known of your existence, against using your drawing of a horse-skull to make what may be nothing more than a temporary thumbnail to a fictional story that will possibly see no more than a few thousand readers at absolute most?

Sincerely,
WB, one of many low-brow schmucks on the internet.


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132172 No. 132172 [View]
#Discussion

The following thread is a composition of my ramblings and thoughts on the title subject matter. Subject may drift and deviate from off course into incoherent ramblings, in which case feel free to disregard and mock with no restraint. Thread itself is an exercise of burning off steam in a temporary manner in hopes of earning sympathetic commentary, if there is indeed any to be had.

Pretentious dialogue is inevitable, as such it is advise to the sane readers here to avoid this thread outright entirely if they are not looking forward to perpetuate what will probably end up as a flame thread of little to no value. Expect OP angst in some major form or another. (In this case, prepare your best forum weapons to mock as such accordingly.)

Logical fallacies probably present in some form. Proceed to destroy such items accordingly as you see fit.



-------

As an individual who has been invested with the show and fandom itself since roughly around the Season 1 mid-late game of March-April, I have bore witness to countless fanfiction produced by fan-writers. Within many of the fics were countless worlds and the possibilities, each author having their own mythos woven into the basic fabric that left much open to interpretation. For a person such as myself, the world for this fandom was wondrous and most tantalizing. Never had I seen such a crushing force of creativity given form from a fandom that was so young yet vibrant. I suppose you could say I was enthralled by the sheer scale of possibilities the show's lore allowed for back then.
>> No. 132173
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132173
Why so insecure? The point of posting anon is so you can say what you think without having to worry about how you sound to others.

For me, the open-world creativity was also a huge part of the appeal in the beginning. The indeterminacy, the feeling of anything being possible, it was exhilarating. Now there is a lot of canon and if you want to adhere to all of it, it can feel constraining.

To me, George Pollack's Tales remains one of the best fanworks. Some say it has aged badly. I disagree. The wild divergence from canon is a feature, not a bug.

In general I'd have to say that I prefer stories which piss in the face of canon--and more importantly, fanon--and do their own thing uncompromisingly. While such works are usually not remotely plausible within the world of canon, they are more free to have integrity in the sense of being a unified whole. They are free to do what the logic of the story itself dictates should be done, rather than merely following an approved set of tropes and pre-existing ideas that have grown hoary with age.

Many people use OCs for such projects, but OCs don't have the same impact. The key, in my opinion, is to look at the characters of the show more as archetypes than as fully fleshed-out characters. The canon represents merely one set of possibilities for these archetypes to realize, and tells one set of stories that could possibly be told using them. The same goes for the universe, Equestria. It is the world of possibilities, a Dream Land. Equestria is every bit as compelling a setting as Middle-earth. Everything you need to know about Equestria to write about it, you can learn from watching the first two minutes of the pilot episode. What's essential about it is not its exact geography, not that it exists here or there or has these boundaries; what's essential about it is what it means.

I would personally like to see more inventive stories that explore the possibilities for this world and these character archetypes in ways that haven't been explored before. If that means contradicting canon, so much the better.


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132167 No. 132167 [View]
#Author

Oi. What happened to Boomsick Mick?


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132132 No. 132132 [View]
#Reviewer

Post a link to a story, tell me how long it is, and leave a short statement about what your major goals were in writing it, and I'll do my best to help you out.

Three rules:

- I will not review stories with scenes intended to sexually arouse the reader. Stories do not need to be explicit pornography to fall under this prohibition.
- I will not review crossovers if they assume reader knowledge of the other background universe(s).
- I will not review the same story more than once. Total or near-total rewrites are the only exception to this rule. (New chapters of previously reviewed stories are allowed.)

As for me, I stick to giving overall impressions and analysis with a focus on improving your storytelling. I do not generally do line-by-line editing, spellchecking, grammar lessons, or large numbers of GDocs comments.

Longfics take longer to review and I reserve the right to skip them to clear the queue of shorter fics first. Depending on how much activity this thread ends up attracting, I may also go on hiatus periodically to avoid burnout.
13 posts omitted. (Expand)
>> No. 132156
>>132155

Haha, what? A quick glance tells me this story must be inspired by Finnegans Wake.

For the sake of the Auld Lunar Princess, I'll see what I can do.
>> No. 132162
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132162
>>132155

First of all: I wish your statement of purpose had been more detailed and/or useful. You might not want to air all your mysteries to your readers, but since I’m trying to give you some kind of intelligent feedback on your story, it wouldn’t hurt you to crack open the darkroom a little and let me see what’s going on in your head.

Now then. On a first reading, I tried to follow the events of the story--working on the assumption that the story actually had events--and found I was completely unable to.

On a second reading, I think I can discern a character called Darling in the opening and the concept that she’s in bed with him. The theme of sex is conveyed by phrases like “soft rousings powdowned her neithers”, “Loveylosey, have a floozy”, “beside” (bedside), and “Clitted and cracked, she rode the bedozing gray and brown cuddlumpus down” which incidentally gave a clue to the identity of “Darling”.

I took a few years of Latin but I have no clue what “Tenumbria” could be referencing. I could only think of the word penumbra.

Once “A cottage crossed the threshold” I lose all sense of space. I can’t tell at all if this is supposed to be in a dream Luna’s journeying through or what. I did recognize the fragments from the first hundred letter word in Finnegans Wake which supposedly represents the Fall, but I don’t see the relevance.
>> No. 132163
>>132162
>Overall I think you were at least half trolling me by submitting this to my thread.
I will admit that Lunnas Ache was an attempt to surpass both Hot Shot and Hugh Jelly in JaAm Adventures [writeoff.me] and A Basilisk For One [writeoff.me] in terms of sheer brain-breakage.

>I took a few years of Latin but I have no clue what “Tenumbria” could be referencing.
tenebrous + umbra

It's very shadowy, okay.

>Now a hundred letter word. Entirely unintelligible to me except for some words that are spelled a bit like “apple” and “pinkie”.
Actually a direct quote from the Wake. Finnegansweb describes it as "applause terms".


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132153 No. 132153 [View]
#Discussion #Crossover

A crossover fic between abridged series like Ultra Fast Pony, Mentally Advanced Series, Friendship is Witchcraft, woth the canon series and/or eachother?


No. 132106 [View]
#Discussion

What are some good fanfics out there? Stories that revolve around either halo, skyrim, WOW, military, humans, or rainbow dash are what interest me the most. But anything

Last edited at Sat, Feb 28th, 2015 22:48

>> No. 132107
>>132106
I'm afraid I can't point you in any direction for your preferred genres.
And I'm desperately trying to avoid a plotbunny now.
>> No. 132144
>>132106
Core, https://www.fimfiction.net/story/54469/core,is a solid story about a Officer Training which pretty much no one writes about. In fact the author had to interview several people who went through it to get a decent picture.

It's part of a larger series but as a fic it stands on it's own and covers Rainbow Dash going through officer training in the airforce so she can become a blue angel eventually.


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132109 No. 132109 [View]
#Single fic #Normal #Comedy

Welp, looks like FIMFiction is a complete wasteland for getting any kind of meaningful feedback on your story. I tried the FIMFic General on /mlp/ and got no takers, so here I am, /fic/, seeking your help.

I'd like someone to tell me what they think of this ongoing fic I've been working on since October. I tried to go for a balance between mild believability and general silliness, and I'm just not sure if it's actually all that funny. Can anyone help me?

Trigger warning!
-This is a comedy centered around the two most hated characters that I can think of: Blueblood and Flash Sentry. Though, I'll have you know that they aren't interpreted as what you've seen in the show.

-Covers somewhat adult ideas. Not for those easily offended by the idea that our beloved candy-colored equines have sex like all other mammals. It is not, nor will it ever be, straight up clop.

Behold!
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/200595/doing-his-duty
>> No. 132124
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132124
I've been looking at this for a week, and I just can't do it.

> ten hundred fifteen.
Made me spin off, looking for notation for how military time would read it, and after distracting me for about an hour:
Your meeting is at 1812 [Eighteen-Twelve] hours.
http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/35006/how-should-one-say-times-aloud-in-24-hour-notation

Which still doesn't entirely make sense, except that your notation says that the time is 1000 15, which is entirely wrong (Ten hundred being 10 o'clock, so 1015 would still be ten fifteen).

If I get that distracted, there's something seriously lacking.

> It was as if he had multiple personality disorder and could call on it like a unicorn calls on magic.
>> No. 132140
>>132124
Ah. I almost lost hope for this thread.

Let me start with the "in my defense..." stuff
>I really screwed up the military time line, and have no excuse

>It's the job of a guard to be quiet, still, and vigilant all day. That being said, guards can't be all Robocop when they're not guarding anything. The point I was trying to make is that he was trained to suppress his personality while on duty, and he was good at it.

>The first chapter is indeed SoL, but it progressively picks up into an adventure, eventually going the worldbuilding route when the Maretonia arc begins. In the long run, adding the Slice tag for just one or two chapters would be pointless.

>You don't really address how he would live for a thousand years without being affected by the crystal empire


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132127 No. 132127 [View]
#Discussion

>Readin'
>Writin'
>Watchin'
>Drinkin'
>> No. 132128
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132128
>Reading
What Walmart tells me to read. Did you know the trash compactor isn't a fun slide that you can put any part of your body inside of? I didn't know we had a trash compactor until they brought it up.

But not long ago I flipped through my old review thread and read some things. Good old memories.

>Writing
Dick all. I still watch the show, and sometimes I'll visit you guys, but I'm decidedly out of the game.

>Watching
Jo Jo.

>Drinking
>> No. 132129
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132129
>>132128
Oh, is that what's going on? Now I see.

>Readin'
See previous two posts. Fluttershy-Sombra & Flash Sentry.
Also EAH fic in tab 3, SwanQueen over in tab 6, Blender Reference Manual, watching for Azula fics in tab 1,

>Writin'
Reviews o'course.
Plus I keep bouncing yet another Winx AU in one hand, EAH Evil Queen on the backburner, and a recent rewatch of Sailor Moon is trying to spawn an unrelated idea of it's own.

>Watchin'
>> No. 132130
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132130
>>132129
>Corned Beef and Spinach.
I'm jelly. I wish I could eat a good corned beef and cabbage more often. But then again, that causes "rocket farts" as my dad puts it.


No. 132122 [View]
#Single fic #Comedy #Grimdark

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9260226/1/Lightening-Fluttershy-s-Dark-Sky

The third installment of the Fluttershy's Dark Sky series. This one is about Rarity becoming a ninja time god and Fluttershy becoming King Sombra. Nothing out of the ordinary.
>> No. 132125
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132125
FF.N huh?
I'm just saying, that's a terrible site to get reviews from. Copy and Paste and all. Still...

Your first paragraph terrifies me to the core. And your story is nice and dense, impenetrable to human eyes.
This is a terrible advertisement for not only this story, but all your stories.

I'm actually not going to read any of it, plus I'm going to try to avoid any of your other works as well.

Why? I kept skimming this chapter you've offered up. I see all caps dialogue used in place of descriptive writing. Ellipsis use with what should be screaming. Onomatopoeia replacing what should be story.

Plus this is the first link I've seen of yours, and it's to a story that would make more sense in the middle of a long running soap opera. You're way past adorably retarded at this point actually.
>> No. 132126
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132126
>>132122
I should be nicer.

It's nice that you're a prolific writer.

It's nice that you have interesting ideas of what you want to do with the characters.
It'd be nicer if you let the characters dictate the story, rather than the other way round.

It's nice that you drive the story with dialogue.
It'd be nicer if that dialog was more than HA HA x 23 or all caps screaming more often.

It's nice that your story ideas are unique.


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132089 No. 132089 [View]
Well, I’m sure the word is well enough out by now for most of you, but I’ve joined the Marine Corps, and I’m headed off for Boot Camp soon March 2nd. I’m signed on for four years of active duty, so I don’t know if I’ll ever see or talk to you guys again. I’m an electronic communications mechanic, so odds are I’ll be able to access a computer now and then, but I can’t be sure so I just want to make sure I’ve said this. I’m gonna miss you all, and as part of my goodbye, I’ve written a short blurb on what I’ll miss the most about all of you. I know some of them don’t seem like it, but these are from the heart, so I hope they’ll help you remember me as much as they help me remember you.

Despite its low traffic and visibility, /fic/ will always be my home as a writer. It’s where I realized how little I knew, and where I learned what I know now. I’ll never forget the people listed here.



Ion-Sturm
The devil of /fic/. Never afraid to be brutally honest with someone. Caustic, blunt, and a cynical asshole to the core. He brought such energy to the board that it was just never the same without him. Also known for his wicked-awesome, creepy gifs. I grew to love those. And the final irony is that when I first came to /fic/ he said I wouldn’t last 200 posts; and while not a single one of my threads has made it that far, I’ve stayed here far longer than he has. Fate has a funny sense of humor. I’ll miss you, Ion.

Roger Dodger
Certainly the most level headed and down to earth member of the old /fic/ crew. Where he led, the crowd followed (even across sites). It felt like a mark of acceptance the day he commented on my first thread.
1 post omitted. (Expand)
>> No. 132095
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132095
If life is like a river, then the writers and reviewers of /fic/ are like the stones within its bed, worn down by the current until either the softer rock is peeled away to reveal the brilliance hidden deep inside, or scattered into dust and whipped off into oblivion.

Perhaps this is a gentle current, tearing you from your place in the riverbed and casting you about the waters with all the other stones, before settling back into your place, battered and thinned but still strong as ever. Perhaps it is something stronger, ripping you from your place of comfort and throwing you to someplace new, where different adventures and different stones await your arrival, far from that which was your old home.

I don't know which case shall be truer nor, in the end, which shall give you greater joy. In either event, I shall nonetheless wish you safety and happiness in your endeavors. And, wherever you might go, know you touched those around you in ways both large and small, and know that our well-wishes go along beside you in your journeys.

Farewell for now, Bleeding Rain. I wish you luck, and may you find your place in this odd, odd world we call home.
>> No. 132104
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132104
A friend of mine said of his military service, "You won't like it, but you won't regret it."

You'll have plenty of time to unplug and mull over what is and isn't important to you. If you've never experienced being physically fit, you'll come to respect the strength of mind that comes with strength of body.

Good luck. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.
>> No. 132110
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132110
Good luck out there. Make sure you don't emulate The Samurai and get shrapnel where it doesn't belong, eh?

Do as the picture says, so that we may square off one day in the future. And also because you like this stuff. Hell, send me an email and I'll collect all of the gifs into a .rar for you.


File 142480491734.jpg - (146.73KB , 840x952 , twilight_sparkle_corrupted.jpg )
132094 No. 132094 [View]
#Sad #Dark #Adventure

Ok... I see no one cared about my last thread... so how about this.

Here's my fic, critique if you care. I would be very thankful.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/249419/the-nightmare-that-came-to-ponyville
2 posts omitted. (Expand)
>> No. 132101
>>132096
Thanks for the heads up. I don't usually go on these types of sites, but a friend recommended it to me so here I am.

I like to think I'm competent enough to not have to read the instructions, but since you had to tell me this, just shows what i know.
>> No. 132102
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132102
>>132097

ouch, those are some heavy hitters.

The only reason, I added the second description was because Fim Fiction said I had too. (In retrospect I probably could have added a single character to bypass the system)

I already knew there would be some grammatical mistakes because I'm only decent at proof reading, not great. As for the Zecora thing, i did look it up because i wasn't sure, i guess i used a bad source.

As for you not liking it in general. I guess I picked a bad writing style for this fic. Maybe i was trying to get too many ideas down too quickly, or maybe i just suck.


Would you prefer it if i wrote it something like this?
>> No. 132105
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132105
>>132102
Well, it's kind of a run on paragraph and hard to read.
And onomatopoeia like *splat* in prose is really questionable.
fallowed by Intense heat - Combo. Misspelling and capitalization error.
And you end up repetitive really quickly: The, It, and A especially.
It does seem to give the passage a passive voice. The roar explodes out, Twilight doesn't seem to have control over it or anything really. Or her eyes. I never really understood passive and active voice entirely, but this removes the characters capacity to act because they're are no longer choosing to act.
The smirk bursts onto her face, instead of Twilight smirking. It removes her capability to act on the story.

> Is that what your looking for?
No, it's not the events that take place in the story that I have problems with. I'd like to like the story actually.

Oh, you edited it after the last time I looked at it. That's... that's great.


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