Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.
A few writing tics stand out. You lean on "as" clauses a lot, to the point they become repetitive. Every sentence in your second paragraph has one. There are seven in the first screenful, plus another "as" used for a comparative phrase. So I did a Ctrl-f for " as " and found 40. That's about one every 190 words, or 2-3 per page. That's actually not too bad, but when I look at where the instances occur, there's a cluster of them right here at the beginning and another about 30% of the way through. At the beginning, I'm also seeing a lot of "to be" verbs. It's impractical to excise them from a story altogether, but you should choose active verbs where possible, especially here, where you're trying to hook the reader. These verbs are not very engaging—it's more interesting to read about what happens, not what is—so it only helps to limit them here. Likewise, I've searched the story for the easier forms to find, and I get 227, which is nearly one every other sentence. There are 121 instances of "was" alone. That's how often something doesn't happen.
As long as I'm doing searches, here are other words that authors often overuse:
just: 52, getting up there, but not awful
turn: 13, good
walk/trot: 4, good
look: 42, fairly high, and they get clustered in places
Next, I notice that you're using a limited narrator. Kind of a shallow one, but limited nonetheless. So on the one hand, it's odd to see the occasional musing italicized as a direct thought, when we already have access to her thoughts through the narrator. There are times this can work, namely when it's important the reader know the though occurred verbatim or you want to phrase it as a first-person thought, but neither really applies here. On the other hand, we occasionally get statements like this:
>She sighed again a